Great News (2017) s02e07 Episode Script

1 ["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYS.]
Oh, Mommy! Everything looks so beautiful! I just want everything to be perfect for my little girl.
And to keep it that way Dave! Get the Saran! You got it, dear! So what's for breakfast? I already set the table for Christmas dinner, so we can't sit there till next Monday.
Here's a Pop-Tart! Please eat it over the toilet, but not the Christmas toilet! ["THE FIRST NOEL" PLAYS.]
Oh the seam isn't lined up.
Well, not everything has to be perfect.
Where were you? I need help! You said I could rebel at the mall! This is Deryck, we met at Afterthoughts when we both reached for the same magnetic nose ring.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Oh my God, Mom.
- There ya go.
I'm gonna need a Christmas fire.
The flue is broken, so go up on the roof and open it from there.
After that, bring down the Christmas piano.
It's a baby grand, and it's full of mice.
[KATIE HUMMING.]
Hey, what's this? You told me to make chocolate reindeer poops.
Oh, boy.
I thought we covered this.
Okay, poop is logs! Twix, Tootsie Rolls, Toblerone if it's a bigger animal! Does it really matter, Mom? What's the big deal? - What's the big deal? - Yeah.
- Did you hear that, Chris? - Oh my God! She wants to know what the big deal is.
It's Christmas! That's the big deal! [UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
What are you guys doing? We're writing Christmas cards to our family and extended family and friends AND FRENEMIES AND FRENAMILIES: that's frenemy family No, I mean why are you sending paper Christmas cards? Just use that app that searches your contacts and makes personalized Christmas videos for you.
Merry Christmas! I'm so blessed to have you in my life, [COMPUTER VOICE.]
Great Uncle Gary.
And I was so happy to hear about your [COMPUTER VOICE.]
Recent death.
Well, I just got off the phone with my ex-wife Darlene.
She's going on vacation, and she wants me to take our son, Petey, for the holidays! - Well, that's nice.
- Yeah, if nice stands for "Nothing in Common Estranged.
" I haven't seen the little guy in years! I mean he's a good boy.
Very precocious, so sharp.
I mean his teeth.
So who wants to babysit? Good morning! I have an exciting announcement! The network has been so happy with our show, they are giving us a special gift for the holidays.
- Ooh.
- What we'll be getting is to work on Christmas! [GROANING.]
You are a Grinch, and it's not just because you wear curly shoes.
They're Tom Ford, and I regret buying them! Yeah, Greg! You can't cancel Christmas and all the pressure and impossible standards that come with it! I have plans.
I'm supposed to be promoting my new diet book, "Portia Control.
" The trick is, people can't return the book, because the diet requires you to eat it.
If we have to work, I guess I'll just promote it on the show.
Oh, Katie.
What are we gonna do? I don't know, Mom.
Our perfect Christmas is ruined.
It's truly ruined! Ugh! ["O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL" PLAYS.]
It's beautiful! [PHONE RINGING.]
You're chipper, considering it's Christmas and I just picked El Gringo's Sushi Vat for lunch.
But that's exactly why.
Because we have to work, my mom can't make Christmas perfect.
Which means I can finally let go of this stress ball I've been holding on to all December.
[GASPS, WHISPERS.]
I compressed it into a diamond! Well, maybe it won't be perfect, but it can still be nice.
Like I was saying yesterday, if we can't be home for Christmas, we can - have a little Christmas here.
- [GIGGLES.]
Wait, who were you saying that around? Uh couple of people.
Justin, Gene Jizzburt.
Stop making up names to stall, Greg.
Did you say that in front of my mother? Did you fill my mother with the Christmas spirit? - [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
- I have been filled with the Christmas spirit! If we can't be home for Christmas, then we can bring Christmas here! In this box, and in many others still in my car and in cabs I paid to follow me, are all the things we need to celebrate.
Now, it's gonna take a little bit of teamwork and a lot of actual work! Wayne, I'm gonna need you to bake a gingerbread house and make it look exactly like this building.
Beth, I need you to help me drag in the tree.
Trees and I are not speaking right now.
Justin, you can be Santa Claus, because I know why.
And actually, I've been going to Weight Watchers for a year, so that's hurtful.
And Katie, I have a very special job for you.
Oh, is that how you're gonna do it? Wait, how did I mess it up already? You didn't even tell me what I'm doing! Well, I'm off to the train station to pick up my son.
Last chance, folks! Whoever volunteers gets to drive my Buick LeSabre.
Fully loaded! Broken heated steering wheel, so it gets really hot! Anyone? - I'll do it.
- Oh, great! Listen, if he tries to bite you, just shake a jar of change at him.
He's my bundle of joy.
Katie, I'm gonna need you to Help my boss in a location where you can't reach me? I'm on it, Mom! ["O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL LAST NOTES.]
Now boarding on track three, the New Jersey Transit Trenton Express - departing at 10:57.
- Hey there.
Are you Petey? Your dad said you'd be wearing a dinosaur jacket.
Are you my ride? Why are you talking to this kid, you sicko? - Oh, come on.
- You're Petey? - Yep, and you're a seven.
- Give me my Minions balloon.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Hey, can you carry your own suitcase? It's really heavy.
I think it might be making my scoliosis come back.
Quick what letter does my spine say? Oh, it's heavy 'cause it's filled with my latest entrepreneurial venture Dude Wine.
It's wine for dudes.
Eh, never mind.
It's too hard to explain.
Oh, hey! There's your dad.
Hello, son.
Dad.
Remember that old game we used to play? - No.
- Well, see ya.
- Wait, where are you going? - I have a lot of work to do.
But don't you want to spend time with your You two bond.
I don't want to be a third wheel.
But Let me know if you need pizza money! It's like I'm 11 years old again.
Try to spend Christmas with my dad, and he pawns me off on one of his whores.
Okay.
Well, I'm sure he's got something planned for you two guys after the show.
No way! He doesn't want to spend time with me.
He never did.
Hey, you want to get drunk? I've got 40 bottles of Dude Wine.
[HAMMERING.]
- You know what? What the hell.
- Cool.
Uh, hello? Why is no one doing their jobs? We are.
We're rehearsing the show.
No, your Christmas jobs! Carol, I know it's not fun to work on Christmas, but we do in fact have to work on Christmas.
We can't help you.
You are the one who told me I could bring the spirit of Christmas here.
I mean normal stuff! A wreath, hot cocoa from the Keurig! When we order lunch, perhaps we get a pie.
No, never came.
Well, I just wanted to make Christmas special - for my work family.
- We're coworkers, Carol.
Not a family.
End of story.
Fine.
Then Katie and I will do it ourselves.
That's basically what happens every year anyway, because Dave always has to volunteer at the soup kitchen.
[TRAILING NOTES OF "O, COME ALL YE FAITHFUL.]
" I'm sure you think I developed Dude Wine to make $1 billion and revolutionize society, but you want to know the real reason? Did it to impress my dad.
Finally hear those words every kid wants to hear: "Cool beans, son!" I know how that goes.
Every Christmas, my mom drives me insane.
I do everything that she asks, and nothing is ever perfect enough.
- There you are! - What do you need, Mom? Everything! Not to put pressure on you, but everybody flaked, so I need you to go to the candle store right now, or I'll die! All right, what kind of candles do you want me to get? Like pine scented? It's Christmas, not Arbor Day! Vanilla? It's Christmas, not Pudding Day! Look, Mom, why are you like this? Why do I want Christmas to be perfect for my daughter? No, this is not for me.
It has never been.
You think that year that you made me pose with a real reindeer for the Christmas card was for me? He humped my head, Mom! - What are you saying? - I'm saying I don't wanna be your Christmas lackey! I would rather spend the day listening to this guy brag about his strategy for playing craps.
Actually, I said I have a strategy for taking craps, but whatever.
Fine, if that's the way you feel, then I'll just do it myself! - That was too harsh.
- No, that was badass.
She was all like, "Do my stuff!" And you were like, "Suck this, bitch.
" Boosh! You know what? That's what I'm gonna do to my dad.
Didn't feel as good as I thought it would.
Well, that's because you used words.
You see, I'm going to use physical violence.
Now, I promised Sensei Tyler that I would never use the Punch of the Phoenix on a human man, but you're right, Katie.
My dad deserves it.
No, no, no, no, no! Deck the tree without a ladder Fall fall fall fall fall, I'll never fall Aah! Carol? I don't need your help! I got the star on top of the tree, and then I did a cool jump.
I'm fine! - Then what's that? - Ooh! Oh, that's me! Tonight you will be visited by three spirits.
Oh, gin, vodka, and tequila, I hope.
Ha ha ha.
I am so bad.
Anyway, what is this? You will be visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.
Wait, it's like I'm going to be in that movie? Wait, what is the name of that movie? Oh, gosh.
Okay, wait a minute.
Okay, there's a guy counting coins, but he wouldn't help Teeny Tom.
Oh, come on.
The Muppets did a good one, and Ace Ventura did a bad one.
You know what I'm talking about, it's Christmas It's a Christ Christmas - Carol! - Yeah, what's up? Yeah [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC.]
Are you the Ghost of Christmas Past? I am, and I'm going to take you back to a time long, long ago.
Before I or anyone I respect was even born.
Oh, come on.
[BELLS RINGING.]
Wow, where have you taken me? Are we on the set of "General Hospital"? Can I have a walk-on role? But I won't do a sex scene.
Okay, fine, if it's important to the story.
No, I've taken you to Katie's favorite Christmas.
Oh, I remember this year.
Katie and I were going to wait up for Santa, and Dave dressed in a red suit was gonna come down the chimney, but unfortunately, I forgot the plan, and I lit a fire.
Oh, man.
Dave really ruined Christmas that year.
But look how happy Katie is.
No pressure on her, or you.
Oh come on.
This couldn't have been Katie's favorite Christmas.
It sucked! It may not have seemed perfect to you, but it was to Katie.
Because everything she needed was already in this room.
No lesson learned.
Next ghost, please! Uh, hi! Are you okay? Have you talked to Petey? Yes, at least 30 times since he was a baby.
Okay, well you should probably talk to him now, because he's looking for you, and he's pretty upset.
- What? Why? - Well, Chuck, he came all the way out here to spend Christmas with you, and you ignored him.
You spent more time talking to that dolphin we had on the show to dunk a basketball! Dunker actually just sent me a very funny, very wet postcard.
You're Petey's dad, Chuck.
You can't spend one day a year with him? Be a little nice? Just pretend to be proud? Pretend? Why should I have to pretend? He's the most amazing kid in the world! Wait, what? Petey is my pride and joy! I've saved everything he's ever done! Look, this water filtration system won first place at the high school science fair.
Petey stole it from the nerd that made it, and turned it into an amazing bong! Oh And here's the courtroom sketch from his public urination trial! Acquitted, by the way! That's great! Oh, and have you tried Dude Wine? He sent me a bottle! The second I tasted it, you know what I said? Well, nothing to him, but you know what I said to Dunker? Phenomenal product invented by a phenomenal man.
Petey has no idea that you feel this way, Chuck.
- Why don't you just tell him? - Tell him? Dads don't tell their sons they're proud.
That's like the main thing that dads do.
Well, my dad never did it.
He worked constantly on the farm, and he avoided me like the plague.
When he died, he left me a watch, which was his way of saying here's this watch that you were afraid I was going to hit you with.
Now it is done! Just because you were raised that way doesn't mean that you can't do things differently with Petey, but he has to hear that you're proud from you.
You're wrong.
My dad never said that stuff to me, and look how successful and angry and divorced I turned out to be.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
[LIGHTLY SPOOKY MUSIC.]
Greetings! [GASPS.]
Oh! I'm the Ghost of Holiday Present.
Holiday? No.
I may not celebrate Christmas, but that does not mean that I do not have wisdom to share.
- Pass.
- Oy.
[POUNDING.]
Hey, should we be worried about what's happening over there? Back to you, Dad's nuts! Boosh! Eh, it's fine.
He promised me he'd wait to punch Chuck until after the show, so What, Greg? Christmas isn't all fresh, white snow in the morning, okay? Sometimes it's old, gray sludge in the gutter.
- Have you been drinking? - Nope.
I've been eating this Dude Wine bro-gurt.
It's Christmas, and you know what that means! Time to buy your friends shady gifts, hinting that they need to lose weight.
"Portia Control.
" This year, get a beach body you can be proud of.
Proud of proud of proud of [LIGHTLY TEASING MUSIC.]
Find it in bookstores or online I'd like to share a product as well.
Uh Dude Wine! It's a great wine for dudes! Recently approved by the FDA, the Fred Durst Association.
I support this product 100%! Merry Christmas from all of us at "The Breakdown.
" [NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
Maybe Christmas isn't sludge after all.
Maybe it's a snowy hill where father and son can forget the past and build a snowman of understanding.
Oh God.
They're gonna kill each other.
You're mad at me? This is what your babysitter told me you wanted! Yeah, maybe if you did it right! You didn't even mention any of the kick-ass ingredients! Or the fact that each bottle is kissed by a playmate! Prepare for the Punch of the Phoenix, Dad! I will not be spoken to this way I am your father! And an expert pitch man.
I have endorsed Unshredded Wheat, Ron's Toilet Girds, and Stanka, an instant coffee that takes forever! Well, what can I say? It wasn't enough! Petey, what is your problem? You're so ungrateful! Whatever! I didn't even want him to do it! It doesn't matter if you wanted him to do it or not, he did it for you! My God, you sound like Oh no, you sound like me! The babysitter's right.
You're an ungrateful bastard! Oh my God, Chuck, you suck too! Why can't you just apologize and hug? You want to know what hug spells backwards? "Gun!" Now I'm gonna punch you in the face! Punch, go! How'd you block that punch I just announced? You're not the only one who subscribes to Sensei Tyler's YouTube channel! - Punch! - Block! - Punch! - Block! - Punch! - Block! - Punch! - Block! - Punch! - Block! [BOTH GROANING, WHIMPERING.]
I'm gonna try a move on you now that you've never seen before, and you won't be able to get out of! I'm trying so hard to fight it off, but the only option I have is to retaliate with the same attack! I can't tell if this is beautiful or stupid.
It's both.
I gotta go find my mom.
Okay, you clearly just kissed the top of his head.
It's a classic Japanese mouth attack! It hurt, do it again! [BOTH SOBBING.]
Hey, guys! Guys, has anybody seen my mom? I'm afraid that she got upset and went home when nobody would help her.
Her stuff's still here.
Her coat, her purse, her Patterned holiday cube.
It's a Christmas present, dude.
How Jewish are you? Wait, it says "To Justin, Love, Carol"! She got us all presents! It's a Weight Watchers approved Chilean cookbook! It's a box set of "Call the Midwife"! It's a picture of my nemesis Karlie Kloss straining on a toilet! Yes! It's a paternity test identifying the father of my child! Oh my God! My husband? Come on.
Guys, just because Carol got us presents doesn't mean we should all feel guilty.
I mean [STRAINS OF "DECK THE HALLS".]
I hurted Mumsy.
Oh my gosh, she did all of this for us, and we couldn't lift a finger to help her! You know what? It is not too late to give my mom the Christmas that she deserves! She's gonna need her little elves now more than ever! I'm not an elf! Just because I baked cookies in a tree one time Oh, you mean right.
Yes, Katie, you find Carol, - we'll get to work! - Yeah! A wrinkle-free shirt! [SPOOKY YULETIDE MUSIC.]
- [GASPS.]
- Ooh.
I'm sure the Ghost of Christmas Future wouldn't mind if I took a few nibbles of his sandwich! [WHIMPERS.]
Are you the Ghost of Christmas Future? Oh! Why are we at a beach house? I thought you were supposed to show me some terrible future that would help me change my ways, but this isn't scary at all! Aah! Ah! A little crab! No! Girls, come on! Look, there's Katie.
Oh [GIRLS GIGGLING.]
And she has kids! I got everything I wanted.
Well, I guess I don't have to change my ways! Have a good summer, teach! [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING.]
Wait, it's Christmas? But Katie knows I hate warm weather Christmases.
Unless am I not with her? Oh, there I am.
Wait.
No! They're spending Christmas with the husband's mom? GIRLS: Grandma! No, it can't be! If she's grandma, then I must be Nana? No! Spirit, I've seen the error of my ways.
I've ruined Christmas for one and for all.
Please, whatever you do, don't tell Angie about this! I won't! [CACKLING.]
Angie! No! I'll change! I promise I'll change! ["THE FIRST NOEL" PLAYS.]
Boy, what day is it? - It's Christmas, sir! - Then it's not too late! Mom! I've been trying to get ahold of you! I am so sorry! I get it now! Whether I wanted it or not, you were doing this all for me.
And look, Carol! We all worked together to make Christmas nice for you! Oh, but don't you see? All o this, the perfect tree, the table-scapes, the stockings hung with care, it's all crap and who needs it? None of this is important at all! Mom, what are you doing? Stressing about all of this dumb stuff, it makes the holidays worse, not better! Come on, everybody! - Help me ruin Christmas! - Okay, are you sure? 'Cause this took us a really long time! Yeah! [CHEERING.]
[SCREAMING.]
["COME ALL YE FAITHFUL" PLAYS.]
- Sitting Crane Back Attack! - Yeah! It looks like a piggyback ride.
- It's not a piggyback ride! - Whee! Ah! You know what? This Christmas is perfect, Katie! Because everything I need is in this room.
Yeah.
Well, except Dad.
Wait, where is Dad? Hey, Dave, what do you say - we go get a drink after this? - No thanks, Miss New Jersey.
I'd rather go home and sit in the dark, waiting for my Carol.