Growing Pains s02e07 Episode Script
186969 - Do You Believe in Magic?
[BEATBOXING.]
[SINGING.]
Baby [BEATBOXING.]
Ooh, ba-ba-baby [MIKE BEATBOXING.]
Dad.
Mike, you promised me you'd be studying for your speech-class exam.
-I am.
-Well, start over.
I don't get it.
I was wearing headphones.
JASON: Study, Mike.
[PHONE RINGING.]
All right! Hello? Hey, Boner, my man.
How you doing? Yeah, I could use a study break.
Whew.
Um.
Yeah, yeah, the arcade sounds great.
Wait a second, I'm broke.
Do you think you could lend me like? All right, all right, I'll pay you back for that and for this, okay? -Oh.
Hold on a second.
Oh, Carol-- -Not a dime.
Boner, I don't know.
Hold on a minute.
-Oh, Benny, my man.
-Not a chance, Mike.
Bone, this could take a couple of seconds.
You wanna hold? Okay.
Don't go away.
BONER [OVER PHONE.]
: No problem.
I'll wait right here.
Ben, my little compadre.
Huh? Ben, you know, when you look at me suspiciously like that, it hurts.
Good.
Ben, come on.
I mean, we're brothers.
You know, this is our time to bond.
Before you know it, you'll be a grown man and-- You'll be in prison.
All right, okay, fine.
If you don't wanna see this card trick that you could use to win big money off your trusting little friends.
-How much money? -Plenty.
Get the cards.
I thought Dad said you weren't supposed to be playing cards with Ben anymore.
Hey, we're bonding.
Okay, pick a card, any card and I'll tell you what it is.
And I'll bet, say, a dollar on it.
Okay, all right, you don't have to bet a dollar.
Let's make it a pretend dollar.
It's the queen of spades.
-Seven of diamonds.
CAROL: Ha! Gosh, why did I mess up? Here, let me try it again.
The ace of hearts? -Nine of diamonds.
-You owe him $2.
Pretend dollars.
Gosh, why isn't this working? I bet my allowance.
Four dollars.
Real dollars.
Ben, it's really sleazy of you to take advantage of me like this.
Five dollars more.
Hey, come on, guys.
And another buck.
[MIKE SIGHS.]
Okay, what is it? Jack of diamonds.
Thank you very much.
I'm only 10.
What's your excuse? BONER [OVER PHONE.]
: Hello? Mikey, are you there? Hello? Hello? Hello? BONER: Ben? Is that you? [DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES.]
JASON: Mike? Are you still studying? Yo, Dad, I'm on it.
Eat this.
Look, you're skating on thin ice.
I just went down to the arcade for a half an hour after Boner calls me and he doesn't even show up.
[BONER WHISTLES.]
BONER: Mike.
-Boner? BONER: Mike.
Hello? Boner, I was just down at the arcade for a half an hour.
Where you been? Oh.
Bone, why didn't you just call and tell me you were waiting on the phone? Mike, no wasting time.
You're supposed to be working on that speech.
MIKE: Gotta go, Bone.
So have you settled on a topic? Well, it's a little early, Dad.
Well, what are your choices? [LAUGHS.]
Uh, Dad, you know how you always said you never wanted to push me? Well, you're pushing me.
Did you tell Dad about all the money you stole from us? What? Uh, no, she doesn't know what she's talking about.
Just between you and me, I'm worried about her.
Did you spend all that money at the arcade? Ben, of course, has several cylinders misfiring.
You were down at the arcade playing video games? Uh, that's a very complicated question, Dad.
Try me.
I was definitely not playing video games.
But you were there.
For a very short time.
-With my money.
-And mine.
-I won it.
-You stole it.
From a little kid too.
Hey, whose idea was it to bet? Dad, look, I tried to talk them out of it.
I mean, all I wanted to do was study.
So you conned your own family out of money? Well, I wouldn't put it exactly that way.
Mike, when are you gonna learn that conning people will only hurt you? -Oh, please.
-Mike, I'm talking about your future here.
You know that nine out of 10 con men end up running circus sideshows? I want something better for you than hanging out with bearded ladies and Renaldo the dog boy.
Okay, my topic is Indecent Exposure.
It's interesting to note that in some places in the world the only part of the female body that by law must be covered is the face.
If you've been to a convenience store lately you can clearly see where that law comes from.
Nah.
-Mom, what are you doing home early? -I need an insurance form.
My tooth is killing me.
Look.
Look what I got.
-What, Ben? -This.
Oh, boy, a rock.
It's not just a rock.
It's a magic rock.
Aw, that's nice, honey.
Yeah, Vinnie Babotz sold it to me for only 5 bucks.
Oh, Ben, Ben, Ben.
What, what, what? Ben, honey, you're so trusting.
That's a bad thing? Not from where I sit.
You've gotta stop being an easy mark for every two-bit con man in the neighborhood.
No offense, Mike.
But, Mom, this is a magic rock.
It can do anything.
Ben, think.
If Vinnie really had a magic rock, why would he sell it to you for 5 bucks? He said he liked me.
As soon as I get back from the dentist I'm calling Mrs.
Babotz and getting your ma-money back.
Where is that stupid form? Let Mom find her stupid form.
-Let Mom find her stupid form.
-Oh, brother.
Ben, please.
I'm in pain here.
Stop Mom's pain.
Stop Mom's pain.
Ben.
Please.
Tsk.
Great.
Oh, here it is.
What? The form.
Like I said, the rock is magic.
Oh, Ben, it's just a coincidence.
-How's your tooth? -Well, it's.
Fine.
If that rock's magic, I'm a gorilla.
That can be arranged.
No, I couldn't believe it.
Not one cavity.
The x-rays showed nothing.
-My tooth is in perfect condition.
-Of course.
I think we've heard quite enough about magic rocks.
But Vinnie Babotz got the rock from the old MacGregor sisters.
Everybody knows they're witches.
The magic rock didn't help their teeth.
They don't have any.
We know it's important to believe in something.
But believing in something that isn't real can let you down.
But it cured Mom's toothache.
-It did stop hurting.
-Don't you start.
I did find the insurance form, stuck to the bottom of the drawer.
Maggie, insurance forms are always stuck to the bottoms of drawers.
Where have you been? Dad, without magic, how do you explain the miracle of life? The mystery and the wonder of the universe.
The imagination of a child.
Wayne Newton's entire career.
[JASON SCOFFS.]
Must you take cheap shots at the man who brought us "Danke Schoen"? What about all those guys on TV who cure you if you send them money? My heroes.
But the point is, Ben, if there were any such thing as magic rocks that the only place you could find them would be California.
In fact, I'm sure that people out there are just tripping over them.
Well, maybe your magic rock can finish the laundry for me.
-Honey.
-A mother can dream.
I've gotta hit the books.
Mike, books are those square paper things that frighten you.
Speaking of books, Mike-- Uh, I know it's a school night, but I have to go to Boner's and check research for my speech.
-Sure, Mike.
-But, Dad, I-- Sure? Yeah, you can go just as soon as you clean up your room.
Ahh.
Dad, I thought my room was my space.
Your space smells.
Oh.
[GROANS.]
Perfect.
JASON [FROM DOWNSTAIRS.]
: Mike, you call that clean? How does he do that? Hey, Mike, I'll clean your room for a buck.
All right.
You're on.
Thanks, Benny.
Magic rock, clean Mike's room.
-Magic-- -No, no, no.
Ben, Ben.
You gotta clean my room for real, okay? It's already clean.
See for yourself.
Give me my dollar.
Ben, you can't cl-- Hey, Ben.
Ben, we gotta talk.
[CAROL GIGGLES.]
He's hooked.
[BOTH GIGGLING.]
You can't have it.
You can't touch it.
-It's mine.
-Come on, Benny.
Have I ever told you how much I hate being called Benny? Yes, many times, and I'm just now getting the message.
-Good.
-Look, Ben, what's your hurry? I gotta go.
I have many miracles to perform.
-Okay, one quick thought here-- -Back.
All right, all right, don't point that thing at me.
[CAROL SNORTS THEN GIGGLES.]
Shh, shh.
[MAGGIE & CAROL GIGGLING.]
-He bought it? -Oh, yeah.
He sure did.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Boy, you psychiatrists sure know how to run a scam.
[MAGGIE LAUGHING.]
Thank you.
What an easy mark.
He was ripe for the plucking.
Ha-ha-ha.
Our purpose here is to teach Mike how it feels like to be conned and to get back the 10 bucks he took from you and Ben.
You're right, of course.
[MAGGIE & CAROL LAUGH.]
-What a sucker.
-What a pigeon.
I love this.
Yes, you know, we could sell those magic rocks and we could make a fortune.
You could give up the paper, I could give up my practice.
We could all go from town to town, fleecing and bilking people.
Then we could get arrested and we could sell our story to Hollywood.
TV movie of the week, The Seavers: A Life of Crime.
Farrah Fawcett could play you.
I'd be played by Richard Chamberlain, of course.
-And in part one, maybe-- -Jason? Yes? You have a certain quality that gets on my nerves.
I just think you guys are enjoying this a little too much.
Does Molly Ringwald do TV? Now, stop it.
I'm sure right about now, Mike is learning his lesson.
Ha, ha.
Yeah.
Following Ben around like a little puppy.
[CAROL & MAGGIE LAUGH.]
Richard Chamberlain.
[MAGGIE LAUGHING.]
Now, how much were you offering again? Thirty.
Five.
Thirty-five dollars, Benny.
What was that? Benjamin.
Better.
Fifty.
-Ben, I don't have 50.
-Yes, you do.
Your birthday money from Grandma and Grandpa.
It's in your second dresser drawer under your National Geographics.
Okay, okay, all right.
Hmm.
So I'd have the money but I'd still have to take the garbage out every night.
All right, I'll do the garbage for a month.
And clear the table every night? Why, you littleterrific kid.
Of course, Mom and Dad could never know how much you paid me.
-No, I'll tell them that you gave it to me.
-No.
Tell them you paid me 10 bucks.
-No more, no less.
-Hey, fine, whatever.
I just need some kind of magic for my speech class tomorrow.
-So it's a deal, right? -I'll sleep on it.
The first thing I'm gonna do is turn him into a snake.
Nah.
I'm too late.
Then the doctor washes his hands, they hose down the room and that's it.
This concludes my speech on where babies come from.
Any questions? No, no.
That.
Whew.
-That was extremely, ahem, thorough.
-Oh, thanks.
However, I can't help but wonder if it really wouldn't have been more effective if you had used the proper names for the, uh, ahem, parts of the body.
-I thought I did.
SCOFFENGERIO: Yeah, heh.
Uh, you may sit.
Uh, Mr.
Stabone, please, could you take your visual aids with you? [SCOFFENGERIO SIGHS.]
Let's just take a moment here, okay? And catch our breath.
Great speech, Bone.
Thanks a lot, man.
I knew a third of my grade depended on it.
[SIGHS.]
All right.
Well, now, let's see who's next.
Mike Seaver.
Watch this, Bone.
[WHISPERING.]
Great speech.
Great speech.
Great speech.
What's your topic? -[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Uh, magic.
-Oh, magic.
Ha, ha.
Thank goodness.
Ahem.
Great speech.
Great speech.
Not yet it isn't.
Magic.
Rock.
Ahem.
Uh, magic.
Johnson? Mike, I'm having a little trouble following this.
Ah.
Magic.
Mike, I think you've overdone the, uh, pregnant pause.
Not a word, Mr.
Stabone.
[WHISPERS.]
Look, I can't fail.
I can't fail.
You wanna bet? Mike, either finish your speech or take your seat.
Look, you gonna help me out here or what? -I've been conned.
-Okay, that's it.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Right, that's it.
Con jobs.
-I beg your pardon? -That's the real title of my speech.
You're gonna love this, Mrs.
Scoffengerio.
Okay, Con Jobs: Friend or Foe.
Now, anybody can be a victim.
You don't believe me? You all look pretty intelligent but I just made you believe I didn't know what I was doing up here.
Ha.
So foolish.
-Hi, Mom.
MAGGIE: Hi, honey.
JASON: Hey, Ben, what you got there? -It's a catcher's mitt.
A Buzzy Babone autographed model.
Ben, Buzzy Babone's a bum.
He couldn't catch a cold.
-You bought that? -Yeah.
Where'd you get the money? Uh-oh.
You were supposed to get your money and CarolÂs money back from Mike.
I did.
-Ten dollars? -Yeah.
-Total? -No.
-Ben, how much? -Fifty bucks.
And I think he's learned his lesson.
Ben.
Ben.
Hold it.
You swindled your brother? We all did.
Here's your cut, Mom, Dad.
Here you go, Carol.
What's this? Ben, we were trying to teach Mike a lesson, not con him out of $50.
Fifty bucks? Ha-ha-ha, what a chump.
[MAGGIE & CAROL LAUGHING.]
Oh.
Jason, this idiotic scheme of yours has gotten way out of hand.
[JASON SCOFFS AND DOORBELL RINGS.]
Well, I was just trying to teach him a simple moral lesson.
I don't know what went wrong.
Boner.
Come in.
Where's Mike? Don't try to hide him.
-What's your problem? -He took advantage of my innocence.
Pardon me? Mrs.
Seaver, he ripped me off.
He sold me this rock and told me it was magic.
-No.
BONER: Yeah.
I almost got killed taking Dead Man's Curve on my skateboard.
-You didn't.
-I did.
I figured with this rock I could boldly go where no man has gone before.
Boner, it's not a magic rock.
No kidding.
And I'm out 60 bucks too.
It's gone up.
We'll talk to Mike as soon as he gets home.
So will I.
Jason, let's give Boner his money back.
Let's everybody give me their money back.
Come on, give me that.
CAROL: Tsk.
All right, this is, uh-- Ben, you've even cheated us on the split.
Hey, I did most of the work.
Why, you little double-crosser.
What is this, Miami Vice? Okay, this is $50 and a genuine autographed Buzzy Babone mitt.
Hey.
Ooh.
He's my favorite baseball player.
Oh, thanks.
You guys are okay.
Oh, and tell Mike that I'm never speaking to him again.
Aw, never mind.
I'll tell him when I see him tomorrow.
Well? I am good.
Oh, yes.
Fifty bucks and a new catcher's mitt.
-You can keep the mitt.
You earned it.
-Oh, thanks.
Uh, could I have the rock too? -What for? -Oh, I'm sentimental.
-Yeah, here.
-Hey.
Bone, relax.
It's worthless.
You think so, huh? What? I had this rock in my chemistry class.
Mr.
Rimble offered to buy it from me.
-What? -Yeah, he's a collector.
It's called tourmaline or something like that.
Very rare.
He's gonna give me 200 bucks for it.
-Bone, this isn't fair.
-I know.
Ain't it great? [BONER LAUGHING.]
Oh, well, fine.
But did it ever occur to you when you con somebody, you always get hurt? Some people never learn.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
All right, that's lights out, you guys.
I think Mike and Ben have learned their lesson.
Well, I hope so.
They've learned that you can't lie to people.
You can't abuse their trust.
You're not gonna get away with it.
People get what's coming to them in this world.
MAN [ON TV.]
: Coming up on the news, former President Richard Nixon is honored tonight at a thousand-dollar-a-plate dinner.
[SINGING.]
Baby [BEATBOXING.]
Ooh, ba-ba-baby [MIKE BEATBOXING.]
Dad.
Mike, you promised me you'd be studying for your speech-class exam.
-I am.
-Well, start over.
I don't get it.
I was wearing headphones.
JASON: Study, Mike.
[PHONE RINGING.]
All right! Hello? Hey, Boner, my man.
How you doing? Yeah, I could use a study break.
Whew.
Um.
Yeah, yeah, the arcade sounds great.
Wait a second, I'm broke.
Do you think you could lend me like? All right, all right, I'll pay you back for that and for this, okay? -Oh.
Hold on a second.
Oh, Carol-- -Not a dime.
Boner, I don't know.
Hold on a minute.
-Oh, Benny, my man.
-Not a chance, Mike.
Bone, this could take a couple of seconds.
You wanna hold? Okay.
Don't go away.
BONER [OVER PHONE.]
: No problem.
I'll wait right here.
Ben, my little compadre.
Huh? Ben, you know, when you look at me suspiciously like that, it hurts.
Good.
Ben, come on.
I mean, we're brothers.
You know, this is our time to bond.
Before you know it, you'll be a grown man and-- You'll be in prison.
All right, okay, fine.
If you don't wanna see this card trick that you could use to win big money off your trusting little friends.
-How much money? -Plenty.
Get the cards.
I thought Dad said you weren't supposed to be playing cards with Ben anymore.
Hey, we're bonding.
Okay, pick a card, any card and I'll tell you what it is.
And I'll bet, say, a dollar on it.
Okay, all right, you don't have to bet a dollar.
Let's make it a pretend dollar.
It's the queen of spades.
-Seven of diamonds.
CAROL: Ha! Gosh, why did I mess up? Here, let me try it again.
The ace of hearts? -Nine of diamonds.
-You owe him $2.
Pretend dollars.
Gosh, why isn't this working? I bet my allowance.
Four dollars.
Real dollars.
Ben, it's really sleazy of you to take advantage of me like this.
Five dollars more.
Hey, come on, guys.
And another buck.
[MIKE SIGHS.]
Okay, what is it? Jack of diamonds.
Thank you very much.
I'm only 10.
What's your excuse? BONER [OVER PHONE.]
: Hello? Mikey, are you there? Hello? Hello? Hello? BONER: Ben? Is that you? [DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES.]
JASON: Mike? Are you still studying? Yo, Dad, I'm on it.
Eat this.
Look, you're skating on thin ice.
I just went down to the arcade for a half an hour after Boner calls me and he doesn't even show up.
[BONER WHISTLES.]
BONER: Mike.
-Boner? BONER: Mike.
Hello? Boner, I was just down at the arcade for a half an hour.
Where you been? Oh.
Bone, why didn't you just call and tell me you were waiting on the phone? Mike, no wasting time.
You're supposed to be working on that speech.
MIKE: Gotta go, Bone.
So have you settled on a topic? Well, it's a little early, Dad.
Well, what are your choices? [LAUGHS.]
Uh, Dad, you know how you always said you never wanted to push me? Well, you're pushing me.
Did you tell Dad about all the money you stole from us? What? Uh, no, she doesn't know what she's talking about.
Just between you and me, I'm worried about her.
Did you spend all that money at the arcade? Ben, of course, has several cylinders misfiring.
You were down at the arcade playing video games? Uh, that's a very complicated question, Dad.
Try me.
I was definitely not playing video games.
But you were there.
For a very short time.
-With my money.
-And mine.
-I won it.
-You stole it.
From a little kid too.
Hey, whose idea was it to bet? Dad, look, I tried to talk them out of it.
I mean, all I wanted to do was study.
So you conned your own family out of money? Well, I wouldn't put it exactly that way.
Mike, when are you gonna learn that conning people will only hurt you? -Oh, please.
-Mike, I'm talking about your future here.
You know that nine out of 10 con men end up running circus sideshows? I want something better for you than hanging out with bearded ladies and Renaldo the dog boy.
Okay, my topic is Indecent Exposure.
It's interesting to note that in some places in the world the only part of the female body that by law must be covered is the face.
If you've been to a convenience store lately you can clearly see where that law comes from.
Nah.
-Mom, what are you doing home early? -I need an insurance form.
My tooth is killing me.
Look.
Look what I got.
-What, Ben? -This.
Oh, boy, a rock.
It's not just a rock.
It's a magic rock.
Aw, that's nice, honey.
Yeah, Vinnie Babotz sold it to me for only 5 bucks.
Oh, Ben, Ben, Ben.
What, what, what? Ben, honey, you're so trusting.
That's a bad thing? Not from where I sit.
You've gotta stop being an easy mark for every two-bit con man in the neighborhood.
No offense, Mike.
But, Mom, this is a magic rock.
It can do anything.
Ben, think.
If Vinnie really had a magic rock, why would he sell it to you for 5 bucks? He said he liked me.
As soon as I get back from the dentist I'm calling Mrs.
Babotz and getting your ma-money back.
Where is that stupid form? Let Mom find her stupid form.
-Let Mom find her stupid form.
-Oh, brother.
Ben, please.
I'm in pain here.
Stop Mom's pain.
Stop Mom's pain.
Ben.
Please.
Tsk.
Great.
Oh, here it is.
What? The form.
Like I said, the rock is magic.
Oh, Ben, it's just a coincidence.
-How's your tooth? -Well, it's.
Fine.
If that rock's magic, I'm a gorilla.
That can be arranged.
No, I couldn't believe it.
Not one cavity.
The x-rays showed nothing.
-My tooth is in perfect condition.
-Of course.
I think we've heard quite enough about magic rocks.
But Vinnie Babotz got the rock from the old MacGregor sisters.
Everybody knows they're witches.
The magic rock didn't help their teeth.
They don't have any.
We know it's important to believe in something.
But believing in something that isn't real can let you down.
But it cured Mom's toothache.
-It did stop hurting.
-Don't you start.
I did find the insurance form, stuck to the bottom of the drawer.
Maggie, insurance forms are always stuck to the bottoms of drawers.
Where have you been? Dad, without magic, how do you explain the miracle of life? The mystery and the wonder of the universe.
The imagination of a child.
Wayne Newton's entire career.
[JASON SCOFFS.]
Must you take cheap shots at the man who brought us "Danke Schoen"? What about all those guys on TV who cure you if you send them money? My heroes.
But the point is, Ben, if there were any such thing as magic rocks that the only place you could find them would be California.
In fact, I'm sure that people out there are just tripping over them.
Well, maybe your magic rock can finish the laundry for me.
-Honey.
-A mother can dream.
I've gotta hit the books.
Mike, books are those square paper things that frighten you.
Speaking of books, Mike-- Uh, I know it's a school night, but I have to go to Boner's and check research for my speech.
-Sure, Mike.
-But, Dad, I-- Sure? Yeah, you can go just as soon as you clean up your room.
Ahh.
Dad, I thought my room was my space.
Your space smells.
Oh.
[GROANS.]
Perfect.
JASON [FROM DOWNSTAIRS.]
: Mike, you call that clean? How does he do that? Hey, Mike, I'll clean your room for a buck.
All right.
You're on.
Thanks, Benny.
Magic rock, clean Mike's room.
-Magic-- -No, no, no.
Ben, Ben.
You gotta clean my room for real, okay? It's already clean.
See for yourself.
Give me my dollar.
Ben, you can't cl-- Hey, Ben.
Ben, we gotta talk.
[CAROL GIGGLES.]
He's hooked.
[BOTH GIGGLING.]
You can't have it.
You can't touch it.
-It's mine.
-Come on, Benny.
Have I ever told you how much I hate being called Benny? Yes, many times, and I'm just now getting the message.
-Good.
-Look, Ben, what's your hurry? I gotta go.
I have many miracles to perform.
-Okay, one quick thought here-- -Back.
All right, all right, don't point that thing at me.
[CAROL SNORTS THEN GIGGLES.]
Shh, shh.
[MAGGIE & CAROL GIGGLING.]
-He bought it? -Oh, yeah.
He sure did.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Boy, you psychiatrists sure know how to run a scam.
[MAGGIE LAUGHING.]
Thank you.
What an easy mark.
He was ripe for the plucking.
Ha-ha-ha.
Our purpose here is to teach Mike how it feels like to be conned and to get back the 10 bucks he took from you and Ben.
You're right, of course.
[MAGGIE & CAROL LAUGH.]
-What a sucker.
-What a pigeon.
I love this.
Yes, you know, we could sell those magic rocks and we could make a fortune.
You could give up the paper, I could give up my practice.
We could all go from town to town, fleecing and bilking people.
Then we could get arrested and we could sell our story to Hollywood.
TV movie of the week, The Seavers: A Life of Crime.
Farrah Fawcett could play you.
I'd be played by Richard Chamberlain, of course.
-And in part one, maybe-- -Jason? Yes? You have a certain quality that gets on my nerves.
I just think you guys are enjoying this a little too much.
Does Molly Ringwald do TV? Now, stop it.
I'm sure right about now, Mike is learning his lesson.
Ha, ha.
Yeah.
Following Ben around like a little puppy.
[CAROL & MAGGIE LAUGH.]
Richard Chamberlain.
[MAGGIE LAUGHING.]
Now, how much were you offering again? Thirty.
Five.
Thirty-five dollars, Benny.
What was that? Benjamin.
Better.
Fifty.
-Ben, I don't have 50.
-Yes, you do.
Your birthday money from Grandma and Grandpa.
It's in your second dresser drawer under your National Geographics.
Okay, okay, all right.
Hmm.
So I'd have the money but I'd still have to take the garbage out every night.
All right, I'll do the garbage for a month.
And clear the table every night? Why, you littleterrific kid.
Of course, Mom and Dad could never know how much you paid me.
-No, I'll tell them that you gave it to me.
-No.
Tell them you paid me 10 bucks.
-No more, no less.
-Hey, fine, whatever.
I just need some kind of magic for my speech class tomorrow.
-So it's a deal, right? -I'll sleep on it.
The first thing I'm gonna do is turn him into a snake.
Nah.
I'm too late.
Then the doctor washes his hands, they hose down the room and that's it.
This concludes my speech on where babies come from.
Any questions? No, no.
That.
Whew.
-That was extremely, ahem, thorough.
-Oh, thanks.
However, I can't help but wonder if it really wouldn't have been more effective if you had used the proper names for the, uh, ahem, parts of the body.
-I thought I did.
SCOFFENGERIO: Yeah, heh.
Uh, you may sit.
Uh, Mr.
Stabone, please, could you take your visual aids with you? [SCOFFENGERIO SIGHS.]
Let's just take a moment here, okay? And catch our breath.
Great speech, Bone.
Thanks a lot, man.
I knew a third of my grade depended on it.
[SIGHS.]
All right.
Well, now, let's see who's next.
Mike Seaver.
Watch this, Bone.
[WHISPERING.]
Great speech.
Great speech.
Great speech.
What's your topic? -[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Uh, magic.
-Oh, magic.
Ha, ha.
Thank goodness.
Ahem.
Great speech.
Great speech.
Not yet it isn't.
Magic.
Rock.
Ahem.
Uh, magic.
Johnson? Mike, I'm having a little trouble following this.
Ah.
Magic.
Mike, I think you've overdone the, uh, pregnant pause.
Not a word, Mr.
Stabone.
[WHISPERS.]
Look, I can't fail.
I can't fail.
You wanna bet? Mike, either finish your speech or take your seat.
Look, you gonna help me out here or what? -I've been conned.
-Okay, that's it.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Right, that's it.
Con jobs.
-I beg your pardon? -That's the real title of my speech.
You're gonna love this, Mrs.
Scoffengerio.
Okay, Con Jobs: Friend or Foe.
Now, anybody can be a victim.
You don't believe me? You all look pretty intelligent but I just made you believe I didn't know what I was doing up here.
Ha.
So foolish.
-Hi, Mom.
MAGGIE: Hi, honey.
JASON: Hey, Ben, what you got there? -It's a catcher's mitt.
A Buzzy Babone autographed model.
Ben, Buzzy Babone's a bum.
He couldn't catch a cold.
-You bought that? -Yeah.
Where'd you get the money? Uh-oh.
You were supposed to get your money and CarolÂs money back from Mike.
I did.
-Ten dollars? -Yeah.
-Total? -No.
-Ben, how much? -Fifty bucks.
And I think he's learned his lesson.
Ben.
Ben.
Hold it.
You swindled your brother? We all did.
Here's your cut, Mom, Dad.
Here you go, Carol.
What's this? Ben, we were trying to teach Mike a lesson, not con him out of $50.
Fifty bucks? Ha-ha-ha, what a chump.
[MAGGIE & CAROL LAUGHING.]
Oh.
Jason, this idiotic scheme of yours has gotten way out of hand.
[JASON SCOFFS AND DOORBELL RINGS.]
Well, I was just trying to teach him a simple moral lesson.
I don't know what went wrong.
Boner.
Come in.
Where's Mike? Don't try to hide him.
-What's your problem? -He took advantage of my innocence.
Pardon me? Mrs.
Seaver, he ripped me off.
He sold me this rock and told me it was magic.
-No.
BONER: Yeah.
I almost got killed taking Dead Man's Curve on my skateboard.
-You didn't.
-I did.
I figured with this rock I could boldly go where no man has gone before.
Boner, it's not a magic rock.
No kidding.
And I'm out 60 bucks too.
It's gone up.
We'll talk to Mike as soon as he gets home.
So will I.
Jason, let's give Boner his money back.
Let's everybody give me their money back.
Come on, give me that.
CAROL: Tsk.
All right, this is, uh-- Ben, you've even cheated us on the split.
Hey, I did most of the work.
Why, you little double-crosser.
What is this, Miami Vice? Okay, this is $50 and a genuine autographed Buzzy Babone mitt.
Hey.
Ooh.
He's my favorite baseball player.
Oh, thanks.
You guys are okay.
Oh, and tell Mike that I'm never speaking to him again.
Aw, never mind.
I'll tell him when I see him tomorrow.
Well? I am good.
Oh, yes.
Fifty bucks and a new catcher's mitt.
-You can keep the mitt.
You earned it.
-Oh, thanks.
Uh, could I have the rock too? -What for? -Oh, I'm sentimental.
-Yeah, here.
-Hey.
Bone, relax.
It's worthless.
You think so, huh? What? I had this rock in my chemistry class.
Mr.
Rimble offered to buy it from me.
-What? -Yeah, he's a collector.
It's called tourmaline or something like that.
Very rare.
He's gonna give me 200 bucks for it.
-Bone, this isn't fair.
-I know.
Ain't it great? [BONER LAUGHING.]
Oh, well, fine.
But did it ever occur to you when you con somebody, you always get hurt? Some people never learn.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
All right, that's lights out, you guys.
I think Mike and Ben have learned their lesson.
Well, I hope so.
They've learned that you can't lie to people.
You can't abuse their trust.
You're not gonna get away with it.
People get what's coming to them in this world.
MAN [ON TV.]
: Coming up on the news, former President Richard Nixon is honored tonight at a thousand-dollar-a-plate dinner.