Happily Divorced (2011) s02e07 Episode Script

Happily divorced is shot before a live audience.
In the last ten years, this show has taken me on some amazing adventures.
But the nyiragongo region of the Congo is one of the most dangerous and exhilarating places I've ever been.
Oh, my God.
this is terrifying.
Ah, look at this.
He just got off the plane, he hasn't even settled in yet and already he's fighting a crocodile.
Oi, he's got a knife.
No matter how much I beg you, do not let me look at the picture on this box.
Ooh, I found a corner.
What are you watching? Life passing me by.
What do you mean? I mean this.
There's a whole world out there, and I'm sitting here on a Saturday night watching you making a puzzle of mount rushmore.
Ahh! Thanks a lot for ruining it, big mouth.
What happened to us? I had such high pes for our divorce.
I mean, we were gonna sell our dream house, travel apart, find the perfect men.
Ah, company, thank God.
Wa-wa hey, don't answer the door at 9:30 at night.
You don't know who's out there.
They could kill us.
Not if we bore them to death first.
Oh, thank God, Judy.
Listen, franny, I can't stay.
Why? Do you have any white roses? I'm going to a party, and everybody's gotta bring something white.
Bring me! Bring me! I thought tonight was puzzle night.
It's not just puzzle night.
We're also making lemon squares.
I'm busting out of this joint.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whose party is this? A friend.
Well, a friend of a friend.
It's a new age singles party with everybody teaching you a bunch of rituals from around the world.
I love a ritual party.
Since when? Since I hate this.
Well I think the whole ritual thing is a load of crap.
But, they're gonna have an in-n-out burger truck.
Just give me five minutes.
Oh, wait hold on, hold on, hold on.
You're going to some friend of a friend of a friend's house in the middle of the night? Yes, Peter, that is the difference between us.
I am not afraid to take risks.
Excuse me, when have I ever been afraid to take risks? Like, our whole lives.
"Maybe we shouldn't go rock climbing.
" Maybe we shouldn't eat Sushi.
Maybe we should get to know each other "better before we get married.
" All right, that one had merit.
She was certain that he was the one and only but their union always seemed a little forced she got married anyway turns out that he was gay they're still in love but now she's happily divorced so this is what happens after the 10:00 news.
Who's the guy that invited you to the party? Who said I was invited? Be cool we are such bad girls.
We're crashing a party? Do you understand what "cool" means? Ooh, the in-n-out burger truck's here.
Hurry! Please, everyone, gather round these large bowls of pudding.
Ooh, dessert first.
There's a ritual I like.
The first ritual is from Norway.
One for the men and one for the women.
There is something very special in the pudding.
Boy, I hope she didn't see the help.
There is a single almond in each of the bowls.
The two people that find the almonds are destined to be soul mates.
- Ugh.
- Come on, Fran.
You said you wanted to try something new.
I know I did but this is just the stupidest thing Hey, look at that! I got it.
All right, Judy, you had enough pudding.
I got it too.
I got it too.
The next ritual is from Amsterdam.
We will pass around the pipe.
I'm in! Hi.
- I'm Adam.
- Hi, I'm Fran.
Wow, we both got the almond.
You know what's so funny? I don't even like nuts.
You have no idea what a plus that is.
I've got to be honest with you.
I was standing right there, I was checking you out, hoping that you would get that almond, and then when I saw you shove your friend aside and dive for it, I knew you were my kind of woman.
- You caught that, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Well, when I see something that I like, I go for it.
- Oh.
- What do you do, Adam? Commercial fisherman.
Yup, have my own boat.
Tuna mostly, down in San Diego.
Wow, you know I watch deadliest catch.
That's dangerous.
Is that how you hurt your arm? Oh, yeah, I just, uh pulling up a hammerhead shark.
Mmm, I hear ya.
Look at this.
Curling iron meugas.
Yeah, this stuff kinda goes with the territory.
It's why it's so hard to find a crew.
Plus you're out in the middle of the ocean for months at a time on a tiny little boat, surrounded by nothing but men.
You know, my ex is looking for more work.
Sorry, you're gonna be on my crew you have to be really smart.
Oh, well, how do you know he's not smart? He let you get away, didn't he? Good-night, Judy.
Okay, Mr.
Peter.
I finished taking the dog for a push.
You know, Fran's the one who wanted this dog and I'm stuck taking care of it.
Yeah, that must suck for you.
Where is Ms.
Fran anyway? Isn't she in the shop? No, I've been playing solitaire on the computer for the last hour.
I don't do well on my own.
I need structure.
I'm gonna see if her car is here.
You know, she insisted on going to that weird party last night.
I don't know what's gotten into her.
I think I do.
Oh, uh, Adam, this is - Peter.
- Peter.
Peter, Adam.
I met Adam at the ritual party last night.
- Peter.
- Adam.
Hey, Fran told me all about your, um, living situation.
I think it's beautiful.
Thank you, I'm sure she would have told me all about you had she written me a text saying that she'd be out all night.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I could send you one now.
It'll be much shorter.
Two words.
Last night was magical.
Wasn't it? Mmm.
- Nice meeting you, Peter.
- Yeah, you too.
I will see you tomorrow, moonlight.
Aw.
Bye.
Ah.
"Moonlight"? Really? That's what he calls me because of my aura.
"Aura" he wants to get into your pants.
Look, I thought we had a rule, if one of us gets lucky or in this case, unbelievable lucky Right? God, he looks like that guy on our paper towels.
The point is, we agreed that we would text each other if one of us was not coming home.
Like the time I got locked in the blockbuster parking lot.
Oh, Peter, I had the best time with Adam last night.
We walked along the beach barefoot and I wasn't even afraid of getting hepatitis "b".
And he made a big fire right in the sand.
Well that's against code.
He don't care.
He's a free spirit.
He meditates, he drives a boat, he wears a necklace made out of the bones of a sea creature.
Well, it sounds like you two have a lot in common, except for everything.
Well, I don't expect you to understand.
They haven't made a puzzle about it yet.
Why don't you just eat your toast? I'm not hungry.
You don't have an appetite? Oh, you know what? I took a great picture of the sunrise on my cell phone.
Let me Oh, I must have left my purse in his jeep.
Who are you? Oh, what's all this? I went shopping.
Oh, really? Where'd you go? Macy's? Bloomingdale's? Afghanistan? Adam is taking me camping this weekend.
Shut up.
I didn't say a word.
Ooh, I like that.
You needed a new makeup bag.
For your information, Adam told me to pack light.
So everything I need for a weekend in the forest is right there.
Ms.
Fran, I have the rest of your bags.
Shut up.
Cesar, what did you do? You put the dog in the bag? I thought she was one of your uggs.
Cesar, she's just a poor old girl looking for love.
Are we still talking about the dog? So, moonlight Lovett is going to rough it? - Yes I am.
- Mm-hmm.
Fran, you know where you go to the bathroom in the woods? In the woods.
Well I don't care because I number two too? Fran, if you're really serious about going out into the wilderness with no electricity and no plumbing, there is one thing that you must promise me that you will take.
- What? - Video.
Why can't I try something new? You certainly did.
Being gay is different than sleeping in a tent.
Except for brokeback Mountain, which was super hot.
You know, just because we never did this doesn't mean that I never wanted to do it.
Maybe I always wanted to do it, but I never got to do it because you didn't want to do it.
Give me a break.
When have I ever not let you do something that you wanted to do? Oh, remember the time I wanted to keep having sex for the rest of our lives? You know, this whole blame Peter thing? Getting a little bored with it.
You think that's boring? Try living with you.
Hey, at least I accept who I am, Fran.
You don't find me pretending to have a good time in the bush.
- Petey! - Hey.
What's wrong with him? His wife is camping with a gorgeous fisherman up in the big bear.
So what's the problem? Was he your boyfriend first? Glen, he's not my boyfriend.
Maybe he likes younger men.
Maybe a little grecian formula in the hair Are you not listening to me? Are you not listening? Sweetheart, there's a reason why your wife is in the woods with your boyfriend.
He's not my boyf Why does Fran come here? - I don't know.
- Beats us.
You guys think I'm boring? - Oh - Boring? You like women, you like men, you turned me on to chicken sausage.
You're anything but boring.
Right? Peter, sweetheart, where is this coming from? From your crazy daughter.
No, no, that does not sound like her.
Well nothing sounds like her anymore, Dori.
I don't know who she is.
Honestly.
Why can't things just stay the same? Darling, things never stay the same.
Your wife is growing, and if you don't grow too, then she might just move on without you.
If she leaves me behind then Who am I gonna be with? You know, we're not blood-related.
Oi, I'm exhausted here.
Every muscle in my body hurts.
How long was that drive? Some wine will make you feel better.
Come on, come on.
Maybe it'll settle my stomach a little bit.
I'll tell you, that bag of trail mix is going right through me.
If you wanna use the woods, I'll come with you.
I would rather die.
Look, Fran, you know we don't have to stay up here if you're not feeling it.
No, I'm enjoying myself.
I want the whole camping experience.
Now what exactly would that be? Do you like puzzles? Kiss me.
What the hell was that? We're fine.
It's only dangerous if food is left out.
Oh, okay.
Quick question, is trail mix food? Why? Well, I didn't want to waste it so I sprinkled it outside to feed the little creatures of the forest.
Fran, you know that includes bears.
Like booboo? Big.
No bowtie.
How could there be bears? We're only 45 minutes from the Gucci outlets.
Okay.
Wait, wait! You're gonna lea me alone in here with bears out there? Unless you wanna eome w.
No, no, you go.
I'll get the next one.
Oh, be careful, be careful.
Adam? Adam? Oh, oh, oh! I'm gonna die.
Pepper spray, where's my pepper spray? Where's the button? Short spurts, short spurts.
- Sorry! - What did you? What did you do? I thought you were a bear! I thought you were a bear! It was a raccoon! I can't see.
Okay, calm down.
I will drive you down the Mountain.
Can you drive a four on the floor and double clutch it? If it's an automatic.
You like my new hat, Peter? Yeah, it's perfect for hunting wabbits.
Well I'm sensing that you're annoyed and I get it.
I just want to say that I think that we're not going the right way.
I distinctly remember making a turn at a little baby dear.
You do know they move, Fran.
It's not the country bear jamboree.
They don't stand in one spot and play a tambourine.
All right, I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to help.
You know what, I don't need you help, Fran, because I googled the directions.
That's what boring people do.
Oh, I knew you were gonna take that the wrong way.
Oh, really? "You're boring.
" If you were a drag queen, "your name would be melba toast.
" Exactly how am I supposed to take that? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I just, you know, I got scared.
I saw myself sitting in that house 20 years from now.
So I'm not a camper.
But I took some risks.
I grew as a person.
It's not like anybody got hurt.
Hello? Adam, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Somebody's fisherman is a little crabby.
Did you do something to your hair? no.
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
Oh, my God.
Why? I thought it would make me look boyish.
Yeah, Bob's big boy-ish.
Adam, I wish you could see this.
Oh, Peter, you listened to me and you tried to change too.
That's so sweet.
Well, when you said you were growing, I thought I better grow too or I'm gonna lose my best friend.
Oh, honey.
I never wanted you to feel like you would lose me.
I always go to such extremes.
Parties at 10:00, poopin' in the woods Why do I have to be such a wildcat? If I want to expand my horizons, I should start small.
Like with a pottery class.
Oh, I'd love that.
That sounds fun.
Right? So we're both growing.
Yeah, we are, and the important thing is there's an in-n-out burger.
Pull over, I'm starving.
You people are crazy, I am blind! I need to go to the hospital! Oh, of course.
Of course, Adam.
Sorry.
What's the matter, sweetie? I'm just thinking about how far we've come.
We're different people now.
And we had to go to hell and back to get here.
Well, change is always painful.
Now is this an eye or a nipple? In its lifetime, the albatross will fly enormous distances over the ocean.
But despite its extensive travels, she will always return to the same place and the same partner until death.
What a schmucky bird.
The male secures his bond with the female through the use of a goofy but affectionate dance which enthralls her.
I got it, I got my corner! - I got my corner - Yay.