Happy Endings s02e07 Episode Script

Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer.
(Blows raspberries) (Sighs) Hey, nerds.
Why is everybody so quiet? Well, we ran out of things to talk about, so (Sighs) We were kinda hoping that you would come in with some news.
Oh.
(Alex chuckles) (Gasps) Big news! I worked my PR magic, and I got Dave and his food truck a spot on a major live morning show.
Here we go! (Alex and Jane) Oh! Wow, Pen.
(Brad) All right.
So what are we talking, "Good Morning America," or - Think less national.
- Ooh! "Good Morning Chicago.
" Think less morning and less tv and no tv.
It's a podcast about meat with a guy named Randy.
"Crazy Randy's Meat And Greet"? I-I love that guy.
He's super influential in the meat world.
Which means he's meaningless in the real world.
Oh.
Angie's gonna be here soon.
(Chuckles) Oh, that's nice.
Ohh.
I can't believe we're finally meeting - your high school girlfriend.
(Clenched teeth) - I don't know what you guys are so excited about.
A ton of people move to Chicago every day.
Penny, why are you talking out of the side of your mouth? Why are you talking about of the front of your mouth, weirdo? Wait a minute, Pen.
Are you jealous because Angie dated Max before you did? (Chuckles) No.
Yes, okay? I mean, she was the high school girlfriend.
I'm the college girlfriend.
It's a clash as old as the clash.
I have to hate her.
Jane gets crazy competitive about my exes.
- What? Pfft.
- Remember when she found out my high school girlfriend was a magician? Wait a minute.
What is that behind your ear? Oh, my God.
It's a quarter.
(Laughs) Penny, you have a little something right in your-- Oh, my God! It's another quarter! (Giggling) (High-pitched voice) Again! Again! Mm! (Laughs) Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Guys, just promise me that when Angie gets here, you'll be cool.
I mean, 'cause when I dumped her, it was just messy, and I hurt her.
Max, it's us.
We're totally cool.
(Brad and Alex) Yeah.
Right.
Okay.
Right.
Dave, don't put your hand out and then say, "here's five good ones for ya.
" Alex, do not tell her your theory about why the perfect murder weapon is a knife that absorbs blood.
- But it is.
- Brad, do not jump the gun on giving her a nickname too soon But I had "angina" locked and loaded.
And, Jane, when she says to you, "I've heard so much about you," do not respond with the classic (Creaky voice) "Oh, I hope it's all good things!" Aah-eee! (Normal voice) Oh, she's here.
You guys, I gotta warn you, I don't know how I'm gonna react to this, but it could get very ugly.
- Guys, this is Angie.
(Chuckles) - Hi.
(Chuckles) Hey, girlfriend! Get in here, you.
Ooh! Look at you.
Oh.
It's so nice to meet you.
(Chuckles) You are cuter than cute, cuter than a button.
Head to toe, you're a winner.
You're a big star.
I'm loving all of this.
(Whispers) I did not know I was gonna react like that.
(Both, clenched teeth) Neither did we.
Get on over here! - Come on! (Laughs) - Oh.
(Laughs) Come and join our game of funsies.
Mwah.
Mwah.
(Sighs) So what are you guys thinking about? Oh, the usual-- Water births.
I mean, what happens to the water after the baby's born? Bottle it, sell it.
Million dollars.
I meant, what are you going to order? Oh, nothing.
This place blows.
(Chuckles) Hey! (Singsongy) B-rad! What's up, girl? You weren't on IM this morning.
There was no one to make fun of Jensen's eye twitch with me.
Oh, I know.
I had a call But that thing was out of control, right? (Laughs) He was like (Nasal voice) "Well well" "Uh Gross point percentage.
" (Normal voice) I'm like, "dude, stop winking at me, you crazy son of a bitch.
" Oh, my God.
Uh, let's get coffee later (Chuckles) - Okay.
- And the maintenance guys are coming by to fish your wedding ring out of my AC unit.
Sweet.
Bye.
Fish your wedding ring out of her AC unit? You dirty whore! What, dude? I was just showing Vanessa the inscription on the inside of my wedding ring, and it fell in the vent.
Sure.
I see what's going on here.
(Singsongy) Brad's got a work wife.
Brad's got a work wife.
(Falsetto voice) totally a work wife! Okay, I went playground.
You went hair band.
Dude, she's not my work wife.
We just joke around in the office and stuff.
(Both, falsetto voices) a work wife! (Normal voice) You're right.
Hair band was better.
Yeah, it's-- it's better.
I stand corrected.
Listen, man, don't worry.
We're not gonna tell Jane.
We get the code.
This is not a code situation.
Well, you'd better hope Jane doesn't notice you not wearing that wedding ring, or you are done-zo.
What? She's not gonna even notice.
(Door creaks) Where's your wedding ring? (Gasps) Damn.
You are one hot, skinny little witch.
- How did you know that? - 'Cause it makes (Door closes) A very distinct clicking sound on the doorknob.
Yeah, I am that good, so where is it? (Chuckles) Oh, funny, funny story.
So I'm showing your beautiful inscription to a co-worker of mine, this girl Vanessa (Whispers) - Yeah.
- And, uh (Laughing) It falls right into an AC duct.
I mean, it just drops.
(Laughs) How about that? (High-pitched voice) "Curse you, gravity!" - Grr! (Chuckles) - That's what I said right when it happened.
(Chuckles) - I bet you did.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna get it back tomorrow, though, so yeah.
- Oh, good.
Good, good, good.
So, um, who is, uh, who's Vanessa? Oh, just a friend from work.
Cool.
I'm gonna go, uh, change, - go to the gym.
- Yeah.
Get on up there.
- Yep.
- Okay.
(Chuckles) Should I be worried about this? No.
She's just his work wife.
Just his work wife? (Gasps) (Whispers) I have no idea what that means.
A work wife is just someone you flirt with at work.
It's totally harmless, totally normal.
I have two work husbands, three work ex-boyfriends, one work stalker, and one work dog.
(Gasps) You should get a work husband! Really? Yes.
Although, when you flirt, - just be careful.
- Oh, right, no.
I don't want to lead him on.
Yikes.
(Chuckles) No, you're just terrible at flirting.
- You do this weird, like-- May I? - Yeah, yeah.
Kind of, uh, a weird eye blink (Nasal voice) And then you get a shimmy shake, and you're doing your arms, and you're just (Normal voice) And then you start asking all these insane questions, and somehow it always ends up with your fingers in your mouth, like (Nasal voice) Aah.
Aah.
Aah.
Aah.
Yeah, and that's not sexy.
(Mouth full) What? Oh, boy.
(Sighs) I should have never went over to Jack's.
All he wanted to do was have sex.
Al, he texted you at 11:00 P.
M.
What did you think was gonna happen? I thought maybe he wanted to have a late European dinner.
Al, look how he spelled "come over.
" I thought it was the European spelling.
(Whispers) It's not.
Ugh.
Don't guys just ever want to make out anymore? Try a closeted gay guy.
Every one I've ever dated has been such a great kisser.
Even Max was a good kisser? Especially Max.
The guy who once found a cricket in his mouth? What can I say? That gay's got mouth game.
I know that sounded gross, but I really meant it as a compliment.
Okay, what do you think of this accent rug I'm thinking of getting Angie as a housewarming gift? Pen, that's, like, almost $200.
- I know.
- I thought you hated her.
Oh, I hate her.
I just don't want her to know I hate her, so I'm gonna be overly nice to her, so when she starts to like me, I can hate her even more.
And then when she's least expecting it, you'll bake her a cake.
Yes! And I'll spend hours decorating it.
Ha ha ha ha! Is that your evil laugh? It's not great.
Ugh.
Look at her.
I have had just about enough of this one.
- Okay, I cannot (Whispers) Fake it one more second! (Alex) - Shh.
(Normal voice) Hey, girlfriend! Lookin' hot.
(Chuckles) I am so stealing this sweater.
- Not if I steal yours first.
(Laughs) - Aah! (Laughs) (Chuckles) What are you guys doing here? Oh, we, uh, just ran into each other in the street - and decided to have a drink.
- Dave is so sweet.
He's gonna show me around Chicago from the steak truck.
Ah.
Two of my favorite people hanging out.
It's like when Mike Myers and Kanye West tried to raise money for hurricane Katrina.
(Angie) - Exactly.
(Max) - Yeah.
- Well, I gotta go.
Um, Dave, I'll see you tomorrow.
- Ohh.
Max, I'll call you tonight? If the levees don't break.
Okay.
(Laughs) (Chuckles) - Bye, baby girl.
(Angie and Max) - Bye.
(Alex) - See you.
- Bye, bye, bye.
No.
Mnh-Mnh.
You and Angie-- Not happening.
- Why? - Because dudes don't date other dudes' ex-girlfriends.
Max, you're gay.
So? What-- I cannot-- You-- I have-- Oh-- I-- You know what? I'm invoking the code.
Ohh.
(Brad gasps) (Effeminate voice) "Oh, no, he didn't.
" (Gasps) "Oh, no, he didn't just say, 'oh, no, he didn't.
'" "yes, he did.
" "Girl, you lyin'.
" "Bitch, I ain't lyin'.
It's the code.
Shoot.
" (Chuckles, normal voice) What? You di-n't.
(Whispers) You did.
You can't invoke the code.
The code doesn't apply.
Look, the code clearly states-- She is my ex.
You cannot have sexual relations with that woman.
First of all, you're gay.
Fine.
I guess you wouldn't mind if I started dating Alex.
(Chuckles) Good luck with that.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
Good luck with that? (Chuckles) Hey, uh, you just have (Chuckles) You just have, like, a little It's, like, an eyelash or something.
(Chuckles) Max, what are you doing? I'm-- Oh, my God.
He's kissing her like she has a penis.
Doesn't bother you at all? Still nothin'.
Yeah.
(Chuckles) What? Is it, like, a bajillion degrees in here? All right.
Let me sit you down.
The truth of the matter is that my breakup with Angie was hard, and I really broke her heart, and I don't want to see her get hurt again.
All right.
I don't get it, but if you don't want me to see her again, - I-I won't see her.
- Thank you.
Ugh.
Why is Angie, like, trying to destroy our gang, right? What a slut.
Pen, Angie's not a slut.
We didn't do anything.
What a tease.
She's actually pretty cool.
What a bitch.
Pen, this whole work husband thing is way harder than I thought.
All the good ones are taken.
I waited too long.
I was so focused on work, I forgot to get work married.
(Knock on door) (Exhales deeply) Oh, you know what? I gotta go.
I'll call you back.
Hello, Mrs.
Kerkovich-Williams.
I thought you'd like to know, there will be birthday cake today at 3:30.
Oh, thank you, Hector.
You know, I was gonna have an after-lunch hard candy, but Mnh-Mnh.
(Chuckles) Now I'll wait, so Yeah.
(Chuckles) Mm.
(Laughs) Hey, Hec.
Why don't you stick around a bit, you know? So, uh, what you up to? What's your sitch? Just delivering mail.
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How's that work? I go from each office to the next.
Some riveting stuff.
Yeah.
So, uh, do you, uh Lick each package, huh? (Mouth full) 'Cause I do.
I am a big licker.
(Chuckles) I just arr.
(Laughs) (Sighs) And you said, "I lick everything, from little envelopes to big packages.
" In my defense, I do lick every piece of mail.
It is the only way to make sure it's completely sealed.
Then you sucked your fingers, showed him how you can fit an entire stapler in your mouth, and proudly demonstrated how you are "No stranger to the 3-hole punch.
" (Mouths words) Punch.
Yeah.
So just to clarify for me, that was wrong? Yes.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Steven.
It's okay, Jane.
I see this stuff in HR every day.
My job is 80% busywork and 20% figuring out who keeps drawing the genitals on Sharon's bagged lunch.
Well, it wasn't me.
Every time I draw genitals, it ends up looking like Brad Garrett.
(Laughs) (Chuckles) Hard candy? (Chuckles) Hey.
(Gasps) Ohh.
Wouldn't this be gorge in Angie's apartment? What are you talking about? I thought you hated her.
I do.
What is wrong with me? (Gasps) What about this coatrack for Ange? I could sand it, stain it, toss on a matte gloss-- I have a sickness.
Yeah, plus I think Angie already has a bear coatrack.
Oh.
Oh, about Angie-- You don't think I was too harsh with Dave last night, do you? Max, you were totally right.
These are things that we can't control.
It's like when you suddenly start having feelings for somebody, and the world tells you that you're crazy, and that it's never, ever gonna happen, but you still want it, you know? What the hell are you talking about, and why are you holding my hand? Huh? Whatever.
(Chuckles) No big deal.
Who cares? I got you a scarf.
I got one, too.
We can wear them if we ever go snowmobiling or, like, send out holiday cards.
Okay, crazy lady.
I'm gonna go get a churro.
Oh, get me one.
(Mouths word) Or we could share yours.
(Smacks) (Laughs) Oh, my God.
Please tell me you do not have a crush on Max now.
No! Of course not.
Wait.
Does he have a crush on me? What did he say? Tell me everything.
He didn't say anything.
Honestly, I think he's freaked out by you.
So he's thinking about me.
This is unacceptable behavior.
I'll allow it.
(Clicks) Babe.
Babe, babe.
What are you-- What are you doing? - Got my ring back.
- Oh, good.
(Laughing) Wasn't really a joke.
I know.
I was just thinking of something my new friend Steven said today.
Oh.
(Laughing) Who's Steven? Oh, no one.
No one.
I mean, some may say he's my work husband, but-- (Deep voice) Who might be saying that? Okay, don't get all Mr.
T on me.
(Grunts) You have a work wife.
I can have a work husband.
Vanessa is not my work wife.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Do you have coffee with her every day? Do you have more than one nickname for her? Um Vanestle crunch.
Vanecessary roughness.
The Vanessa monologues.
Vanesticles.
Vanasturbate.
It's Miss Jackson, if you're Vanasty.
Ugh! Okay.
Fine.
I have a work wife, but it's totally innocent.
Nothing's going on between us.
Nothing's going on between Steven and me either.
Good.
Well, I want to meet your work husband.
Well, I want to meet your work wife.
Fine.
We should all do something together.
Well, let's have our work spouses over for drinks.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
That won't be weird at all.
Right, like when your mom started tweeting.
How not weird was that one tweet about menopause? (Chuckles) "Shuttin' down the fallopes.
Hashtag menopause.
" (Both) Not weird.
So how's the apartment coming? Good.
Penny's been super helpful.
She bought me a chandelier and a bread maker.
Well, she loves you.
(Chuckles) - Oh, yeah.
(Chuckles) - Oh, yeah, I got an idea.
Mm.
Tonight let's go down to the united center and paint a Hitler mustache on the Michael Jordan statue so he looks like present-day Michael Jordan.
Oh, my God.
I want to do that so bad, but I can't.
I'm seeing Dave.
Oh.
Yeah.
We've been hanging out a little bit.
Really? Yeah, he's a great guy.
Yeah, I love him Mm-hmm.
The way Penny loves you.
(Chuckles) Ohh.
(Chuckles) Hey, why don't you go grab us a coffee? - Okay.
- I'm gonna sit here and stew in my own anger for a second.
Welcome to "Crazy Randy's Meat And Greet"! Today we will be "meating" Dave Rose, owner of The Steak Me Home Tonight food truck! So, Dave, how did you come up with the name? (Stilted voice) Well, it's funny, Randy.
Do you remember that song "Take Me Home Tonight"? Great story! You know what? Actually just stick to questions about Dave's signature sandwich.
I got another story for ya, crazy Randy A story about how this guy steals other people's ex-girlfriends! Hey, Max.
Try kissing me again.
It'll kill Dave.
Come on, Al.
You've gotta stop.
Max, yes, I am still seeing Angie, but I don't get it.
You dumped her in high school, and you're gay.
(Chuckles) Oh.
(Gasps) (Chuckles) If Harvey Milk could hear that You know what, Dave? All codes are off! It's a code war! Oh, God.
Turn it off.
- What's a code war? - Ohh.
It's hell, crazy Randy, pure and unadulterated hell, especially when you're dealing with a dirtbag like this that doesn't respect the codes that hold our civilization together.
You want to know another code this guy doesn't respect? The health code.
That's right, CR.
This freak likes to prepare all his meat in his underwear! No, no! No, that is not true.
That is not true! (Mouths word) The closer I am to fine the closer I am to fine the closer I am Hey, buddy.
To fine Okay, it happened one time.
It happened one time.
It was summer.
The AC broke.
The meat was going bad.
I knew I needed to sell it fast.
I was wearing a hairnet.
No, I wasn't.
Good-bye.
Okay.
You know what? We're done.
(Bell dinging, flippers clacking) So you guys are really in a code war, huh? Those are rough.
Yeah, it's getting kinda ugly.
Max, what have you done to my shirts? Oh, yeah.
No more dress code, bro.
I turned all your T's into super deep V's.
You're welcome, my man.
He messed with your v-necks? Damn.
That's like messing with a straight man's crew necks.
Yeah, well, don't worry, 'cause I'm about to make my first strike.
Yeah, your hair does look like it's from a catalog from an '80s barbershop.
(Men laugh) Hey, soldier.
Can I buy you a drink? Sure.
No more wingman code.
Well, the joke is on you, because he's not a soldier.
He works at a Kiehl's, so ha! Hey, Vaneedle in a haystack.
Whoa! Oh.
(Chuckles) Whoa.
Oh, that's your bra, which is holding up your breasticles.
(Chuckles) Uh, s-sorry.
I'm just gonna be outside while you put them things away.
Girl, you trippin'.
(Chuckles) No, stay.
I'm just changing for our drinks.
Can you come here and help me zip this up? Uh, sure, yeah.
I'll just I don't feel-- - Come on.
I'm not gonna bite.
- I don't feel uncomfortable doing that at all.
(Chuckles) - Right.
- There.
Yep.
Oh, that's your butt.
I'm sorry.
(Chuckles) A little higher.
Yep.
(Strained voice) - Uh - And Aah! I'm married! (Chuckles) Ohh.
You know, uh, I was thinking maybe we should reschedule the drink thing - for, like, a later date.
- No way.
- No way you're bailing.
- No? I want to meet Jane, scope out my competition.
Competition? Let's go, Bradster.
(Pats chest) This is gonna be fun.
Listen.
Max, we brought you here to have a serious conversation.
I love your shirt, but I just need to do this, if you don't mind.
There it is.
(Chuckles) Why is she rubbing her baby hand on me? Just ignore her.
Seriously though, this code war between you and Dave-- It's out of hand.
No, it's not.
Aah.
What are you doing? That's a load-bearing column! I don't care.
No more building codes, bro.
You live here, too! Ha! But your name is on the lease.
Ha ha! I forged an addendum with your name on it! Ha ha! You're bluffing! Ha ha ha! I am bluffing! Don't hit another pillar, please! You just don't understand 'cause you're not guys.
This is what we do.
We razz each other.
I razz him.
He razzes me back.
I razz him.
He razzes me back.
I give him a tight home permanent while he's sleeping, he razzes me back.
Wait.
What now? We ran out of codes, so I, uh, came up with a new one-- Hair code for men.
You look like Keri Russell after she ruined "Felicity.
" You look like John McEnroe's sister.
You look like a huge lesbian.
Hey! There they are.
Hey, honey.
Can I talk to you real quick-like? Don't be rude.
Introduce me.
Uh y'all.
Jane, we really need to talk.
No, I want you to meet Steven.
How are ya? Hey, how tall are you, man? Like, 6'4".
How tall are you? (Groans in nasal voice) Jane, uh, can we talk? Vanessa, why don't you have some wine? And I'm gonna go visit accounts receivable.
That's what us HR guys call the bathroom.
(Laughs) He does! I've heard you say that.
- I've so heard you say that.
(Laughs) - All right.
Okay, man.
(Chuckles) - Talk time.
- Okeydoke.
(Lowered voice) Listen, I was wrong about Vanessa.
(Sighs) It's totally not innocent.
She wants me.
- What? - Yes.
She wants me bad, Jane.
I knew she couldn't resist my tight, sweet-smelling body.
I mean, look at this.
It just smells too nice.
Excuse me? Oh, come on.
You were half-naked in your office.
You had me zip you up.
(Chuckles) You want to be way more than my work wife, okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I am not your work wife, okay? (Chuckles) Uh, if anything, you're like my work dad.
What? I mean, aren't you, like, 48? I'm 29.
I could never think of you like that, ever.
Ew.
- Uh - I mean, there's no way (Chuckles) I could ever (Inhales deeply) Ew.
Two "ew"s? Pssh.
What a relief.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Ohh.
Glad we, uh, cleared that up.
Yeah.
Okay, you know what? (Inhales deeply) Honey, I'm sorry.
He didn't realize that your relationship (Sighs) - Was just fun and innocent - Yeah.
Like Steven and me.
(Exhales deeply) All right.
Who's ready to get freaky? Brad, pick a girl and meet me upstairs.
You are the head of HR.
(Whispers) What are you doing? I know.
That's what makes it so awesome, right? It's like, who are you gonna report me to, me? I'm God! (Chuckles) I'm gonna need these.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
Your hair.
You look like a Jonas Uncle.
Oh, yeah.
It's a perm accident.
Max did this to me.
Okay, what is going on with you guys? (Sighs) Okay, Max didn't want me to date you because he broke up with you in high school and broke your heart.
Dave, Max did not break my heart.
I broke up with him the summer after we graduated.
- What? - Yeah.
I knew he was gay.
He just didn't know it yet.
Oh, wow.
Um Angie, I-I can't go on this date tonight.
I gotta find Max.
Okay.
Um, do you want me to run inside and get you a hat? Oh, God.
No, no.
I look terrible in hats.
Oh, Jane, I never asked you.
How's it going with that whole work husband thing? We just decided to be real wife and real husband.
(Mouths word) Save all the flirting for each other.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- What you about to do, girl? - I don't know.
What's this? - What you-- Oh, you're not about to do what I think.
- Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
(Chuckles) (Giggles) - Ohh! - Deeper.
(Jane and Brad) - Aah! - Temple Grandin.
- It's Pat.
(Whispers) Cow.
(Groans in nasal voice) (Normal voice) You look good, man.
I look like a Quaalude dealer.
Max, can I talk to you for a sec? Anything you gotta say to me, - you can say in front of my real friends.
- Fine.
I know that you lied and that Angie broke up with you in high school.
- Okay.
Scootch, scootch, scootch.
Nothing to hear here.
(Chuckles) - No.
Max, don't go anywhere.
Come on.
I love you.
Huh? I mean, we all Love you.
Just (Sighs) Fine.
This is so stupid.
I guess Angie did dump me, and I guess that she was the first person I was ever in love with, but I guess even though I didn't realize it at the time, I was in love with her here and here, but I was definitely not in love with her down here.
Mm.
Talkin' 'bout my penis.
- We got that.
We got it.
- Could not have more clear.
- And my scro.
(Brad) - Okay.
Mm.
(Chuckles) I get it.
The code is not about sex.
You loved this girl, and she broke your heart, and I got your back, man.
I would never do something like that to you.
- Thanks, dude.
- Max, I guess I always thought - I was the most special girl in your life.
- Oh, no.
(Chuckles) You are.
You are.
It's just, Angie's special to me because she was my last straight relationship, but you-- you were my first gay relationship.
Wait.
What? Dating you was like dating a super gay dude, but it was awesome and great and gave me the strength and courage to come out, so Aw.
That is weirdly sweet.
- Wanna make out? - No.
- For old times' sake? - Hey, wait a second.
- Uh, what about me? (Chuckles) - No.
Oh, God, Al.
I don't know how we're gonna get this through that giant, blonde doll head of yours, but I am gay.
- Hell-er.
- I like dudes.
Never gonna change.
Okay.
I know.
I understand.
(Sighs) But I bought you a harmonica! (Jane) - Did you ask for a harmonica? - Why? No, I didn't ask for a harmonica.
Oh, my God.
He doesn't need a harmonica.
You are losing your mind! Ohh.
Penny, I don't think I can do this.
If you want to get over him, you have to watch.
(Grunts) I can't look.
Come on.
Be strong.
Ohh! I can't do this for you.
(Pants) If you're gonna love it, you gots to love all of it.
That's it.
I'm out.
Crush over.
You, my friend, are an animal.
(Door closes) You don't got to show off for your friend.
Get down here.
Okay.
(Chuckling) There you go.
Come spend a Sunday with daddy.
Fine.
Why don't we (Laughs) Ow! Ow.