Haters Back Off (2016) s02e07 Episode Script

[GASPS.]
Oh, hi.
I didn't see you there.
I'm Miranda Sings.
Famous actor, dancer, model, magician, amusement park, person.
That's right.
There's a world all about me, which is why you don't wanna miss it.
We've got rides, we've got games, we've got hot dogs with my face on 'em, and so much more! [CHUCKLES.]
I'm just a regular man, and I love Miranda World.
I'm just a regular woman, and I love Miranda World.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's called Miranda World, and it opens today.
[SIGHS.]
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
Jim! What are you doing? - I thought she was you! - What? - I had to kiss her because [STAMMERS.]
- Wait, wait, wait.
We're playing the kissing game! We're playing the kissing game! - [CHUCKLES.]
Yes! Yes, we are.
- We're playing the kissing game! Just a kissing game.
That's it.
That's what we're doing.
Kissing game? I never heard of that game before Oh! It's a real game.
It's a real game.
You tell her the rules, Jim.
Well, you kiss people and you get points, and the amount of points you get are are determined by the rules, and the rules are very strict.
- And those are the rules.
- [BETHANY.]
Yes.
Rules.
Lots of rules! Complicated.
[CHUCKLING.]
But it's really complicated.
It's a really complicated game.
It's a kissing game.
[BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY.]
[GASPS AND EXCLAIMS.]
How many points is that? Uh Three points.
Hey, Mom, do we have any spare light bulbs that we can use to [GRUNTS.]
What are you doing? Yes! Three more points! No, actually, kissing Emily is a negative one.
Oh That makes sense.
[SIGHS.]
God! What is going on? [STAMMERING.]
The kissing game because Miranda caught Uncle Jim trying to kiss me, which made perfect sense 'cause we were playing the kissing game, you know? Emily, you've heard of the kissing game, right? You've heard of it? You've heard of it? [SIGHS.]
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Yes.
The kissing game is a game that I've heard of before.
Oh.
[YELLS.]
- Oh! - Yes, 16 points! Jim, what did I tell you about kissing me on the mouth? [SIGHS.]
Don't do it.
Right.
Don't do it.
Let's get out of here.
Such tender kisses from such a rugged man.
[SIGHS.]
- Three more points! - [LAUGHS.]
- We're still playing! - Three more points! [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Oh! You're so tense, Bethany.
I'm gonna book us a relaxing table for two at the Lobster House.
You deserve it.
Jim, we can't afford that.
We can't even afford to pay rent.
Well, at least we got each other.
And now that we got the kissing game, we can kiss wherever and whenever we want.
Our kissing troubles are solved.
Shall we kiss, milady? Hmm? My daughter just kissed me on the mouth, okay? So, between the bills and the kissing game, and It's just getting to be too much for me.
I guess I didn't realize things were that bad.
I know just what I can do to help.
You're gonna get a job? [CHUCKLES.]
No, you take care of the job and the money stuff.
That sounds very stressful.
But I will tell Miranda about our love.
No, no, no.
That will only make things worse.
I know, Bethany.
That's why I'm going to do it.
No, I don't care who does it.
I just don't want her to know.
I hear you loud and clear, Bethany.
Sit tight.
I'll go tell her.
No, Jim.
Jim! Oh, my God.
Does this look like a place that's gonna sell some paintings or what? - This looks great, Dad.
- Yeah.
That's because I used old lead-based paint instead of that cheap latex stuff.
I really want the cornflower white to pop since Dom and Yoni are coming.
- Who? - Dom and Yoni.
They're my most artsy friends.
Yoni doesn't even shave her armpits.
And Dom, he didn't even go to college.
He went to a collage.
Well, it means a lot that you would invite your friends to this.
Are you kidding me? That's exactly what rich hippie friends are for.
- There she is.
- Okay.
Perfect.
Petting Zoo, check.
Did you get the sheet for the parachute ride? - Check.
- Okay.
Did you cut a money slit in the float for the daddy saddle ride? Yes.
It's a nice thick slit.
Did you stuff the pants on my statue yet? Dang it! I forgot.
Uncle Jim! Now is not the time to slack off, okay? Everything has to be perfect.
Stay focused! Okay! Okay! [GASPS.]
[JIM.]
Yeah.
You are very good at stuffing.
[MIRANDA SIGHS.]
Yes.
Nice and thick, just how I like it.
[JIM.]
Just gonna leave the hanger on, because sometimes women's body parts have points.
- [MIRANDA.]
Sticking parts out.
Bones - Bones.
[MIRANDA.]
Stuff that right in here.
Make you look just like you do in real life.
Yes.
I have a little bit more lumps than the average lady.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yes.
You do.
Yes.
Very proud of you for that.
Lumpy in the front, flat in the back.
Just like you.
Always said that since I was a little girl.
Aw.
Speaking of complimenting ladies, there's, uh, something I'd like to talk to you about.
You know, when an uncle and a mommy share a bed, it's I can't wait to see the look on Patrick's face when he sees I did all this without him.
Patrick, huh? Can you believe that butt nugget? He was sneaking around behind my back, having a secret relationship.
And lying to me about it.
To my face.
[WHIMPERS.]
Patrick did all that, huh? You're gonna forgive him, right? - Are you crazy? No way! - Oh.
See, this is why you're the only man I will ever trust.
You would never do something like that to me.
You would never lie to me, you'd never sneak around behind my back.
No.
Never take off a girl's clothes.
Truthful Uncle Jim who doesn't take off anybody's clothes.
That's that's me.
That's what they used to call me in school.
[MAN.]
Miranda.
[MIRANDA.]
Holy smokes.
- A customer.
Welcome to Miranda World.
- [GASPS.]
Welcome - Oh, nope, sorry.
- Don't touch my tookie.
Is this place open? A bunch of people just got here.
- Really? - [GASPS.]
[JIM BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[GASPS.]
Customers! Mom, get out here! All hands on deck! Miranda, man the rides.
I'll get the money bucket! Bethany, make the Miranda dogs! Okay.
Hot dogs.
I'll fire up the microwave.
We don't have time! Serve them room temperature! [AMANDA GASPS AND CHUCKLES.]
- [EXCLAIMS SOFTLY.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Your handling is flawless.
You're super talented.
Thank you.
Well, that was the first time I've tried it on a human hand, so I'm sure there's room for improvement.
Can I be honest with you, Patrick? These aren't human hands.
What? - That was just a little joke there.
Uh - Oh, good.
No, I am 100% human person.
Oh [SIGHS.]
Funny.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING.]
Oh, you're getting a bunch of texts from your friend, Miranda.
- [AMANDA.]
Is everything all right? - Uh Yeah, it's nothing.
- Miranda World is opening today.
- Oh! Uh - We should go.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
- [SCOFFS.]
- I wasn't planning on it.
- [CELL PHONE VIBRATING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Sounds like she really wants you to go.
- Yeah, no.
I'm sure it's not a big deal.
- [CELL PHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING.]
- Hmm? - Hi.
Can I get a picture? Oh.
Sure.
- Oh, you wanna be in it? - Yeah, I just paid for it.
But you're gonna ruin it.
Oh! Excuse me.
No, no, excuse me! Rides, merch, pictures with Miranda! Yeah, there you go.
Uh-huh.
One for you.
Have a fun time! [CHUCKLES.]
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Hi.
I see you're touching my doll.
Stop it.
Just because this is a petting zoo, it doesn't mean you can touch my things.
I don't want you guys to get your dirty hands all over my stuff before Patrick gets here.
Thank you.
Whoa, whoa! Stop! Excuse me.
Sir, sir, sir, stop! This is an exit-only hole.
Okay? If you're gonna be here, please at least look like you're having fun, so Patrick gets jealous, okay? So, let me see your smile.
Oh, gross.
Okay, just don't smile.
Don't do anything.
No, stop, stop! Look what you're doing! Look what you did! You made my face all meaty! How would you feel if your ex-boyfriend was coming over, and I threw meat all over your face? How would you like that? [GROANS.]
This is a disaster! Oh, hey, big bro.
[CHUCKLES.]
I was hoping to run into you.
Remember how when we were kids, you used to give me advice on girls and life, - and stuff like that? - Yeah, yeah.
I think I see where this is going, Jim.
Don't tell that woman who's not your girlfriend that you have a tail.
Oh, no, no.
She's mine.
I took your advice, and I sealed the deal.
It is sealed.
[CHUCKLES.]
Really? All right, let me hear some details.
Well, it was pretty wet.
Oh, yeah.
I love the sound of that.
What else? Uh that's pretty much it.
Just a wet kiss.
Oh, Jim.
But the problem is she has this daughter Whoa.
Baggage.
You gotta get out of there quick.
But I am too deeply in love with her for that, and I love the daughter.
[CHUCKLES.]
She is the best.
I mean, just the best.
But we're trying to keep our lovers' fling a secret from her, and I don't know how much longer I can do that.
I mean, I had to invent this crazy kissing game lie.
Wait, wait, wait.
You said "kissing game" Are you talking about Bethany? Yes.
- Have you been kissing my wife? - Uh Uh Yeah.
You know what? That's fine.
A lesser man would feel threatened, but I've got lots of cool stuff going on in my life.
I've got a walk-in closet, I've got a glass stove Well, Kelly, if you have a glass stove, you don't need a woman's embrace.
I'm feeling great about this.
Actually, I'd assumed that you guys had gotten that out of your system years ago.
Probably took her so long 'cause she's still in love with me.
Yeah, that's it.
But, I don't know how to tell Miranda about our relationship.
[CHUCKLING.]
You don't tell her anything, 'cause she's gonna freak.
Thanks, Jim.
I always feel so much better when I compare myself to you.
[CHUCKLES.]
That was the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Whoa! Stop! Stop! Do not go up on that.
You're gonna ruin it.
If you wanna ride it, you can watch me, and pretend it's you, okay? So Just watch this.
Okay, just close your eyes, pretend it's you going down on the roller coaster.
Ready for this? It's gonna be so fun.
[GRUNTS.]
[EXCLAIMS.]
See? So fun.
Okay, we've seen it, we can go now.
[AMANDA CHUCKLES.]
Okay, sure.
[PANTS.]
Patrick.
Hi! I didn't know you'd be here.
What a surprise! You texted me 37 times.
Hmm? We're super excited about Miranda World.
It looks really great.
It looks really great, doesn't it? So great.
You brought her.
That's so neat.
Okay, well, nice seeing you.
Oh, no.
Wait! No, stop! [STAMMERING.]
I need help.
Oh! Uh, sure.
With what? Um Uh Oh My butt.
I need you to stuff my butt.
Can't you tell it needs some stuffing? It's a little flat in the back, needs some more cushion for the pushin'.
- Uh Um - Miranda Stuff my butt.
Oh, and, Patrick, I have a different job for you.
Let's see.
What is the furthest away? Oh, yes, the Daddy Saddle Ride.
You can run that.
But be careful when you're getting inside.
It has ashes in it from a horrible day.
Well, actually, we, um We have plans We would be happy to help.
Right, Patrick? Right, Patrick? You'd be happy to help? That's what she said.
Right.
[BETHANY.]
Here's your hot dog.
Hey, Miranda, um, did Uncle Jim talk to you? What the heck is going on, Mom? I didn't mean to, and we were gonna tell you These are supposed to have my face on them.
Hello? No one's going to buy them if my face isn't on them.
[BETHANY STAMMERS.]
- Sorry.
I - Okay.
- Just break it.
Okay.
- [GRUNTS.]
Start over! Oh, my gosh.
[GASPS.]
Kind of thought they'd be here by now.
But you know these art types.
They like to feel pursued, so Let me just give them a call.
Hey, Dom, it's Kelly.
Yeah, I know you blocked my number, but I got a new one.
Hey, the reason I called, wondering if you guys are coming over today.
Yeah, okay.
But when you see it, you're going to buy the whole thing.
Okay, is Yoni there? Dom? Dom? Dom! Damn it.
Hey, Dad, it's okay.
No, it's not okay because I need people to see your work, sweetie.
People need to see your work, and Daddy's got plenty of connections.
Cheryl loves art.
Hi, Cheryl.
It's Kelly.
Do you remember that piece of art that we bought together? I don't think it matters who paid for the art, Cheryl.
Okay, anyway, the reason I called She's coming right over.
[THUDDING.]
Don't touch her again.
You're gonna mess up her hair, okay? Just leave her.
Oh! Amanda, where are you going? I don't think my butt's done yet.
I I just need to find Patrick.
We have reservations for a date tonight.
I just don't wanna be late.
[CHUCKLES.]
But, yeah, um, thank you so much for inviting us, and letting me help by stuffing your butt.
A date? Oh, that's so fun.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Yeah, I'm really excited.
Before you go, could you help me out with the teensiest little favor? Sure, no problem.
- Can you just step right this way? - Okay.
- Just have a seat.
- Oh! I just need your help so bad.
Uh, what is this? Oh, I just need you to test the Slurpee dunk tank for me.
[GASPING.]
Aw That's too bad.
Now you can't go on that date.
Did I do something to you? Did you do something to me? Hmm, let me think about that.
Yes.
You stole Patrick from me.
He was mine, until you came along and seduced him, and made him take off your clothes.
The worst part about it is that it was my magic outfit.
[CRIES.]
Wait, wait, what? It was my magic outfit he put on you.
Can you believe that? The audacity! And to think I gave him a snail frame.
No.
I was letting him buy that outfit back from me.
We We weren't even dating then.
What? No No, he's a cheater.
Do you know Patrick? Patrick is the most honest, sweet, loyal guy I've ever met.
He would never cheat.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
I need a towel.
[EMILY.]
Hi.
Welcome.
Hi, if you have any questions, we're here to help.
I might be in the wrong place.
I'm looking for Miranda bobbleheads? Really? Why? I collect bobbleheads.
Miranda's gift table is outside.
Well No, no, no, no, no.
You're in the right place.
Here you go.
Uh I bet you don't have any paintings of a bobblehead, which is what we have here.
Like this one.
You just look right into the painting, and you see a 3-D bobblehead coming at you if you look just right at it.
You see that? I'm not seeing it.
Okay.
Well, that's because a lot of people don't see it the first time, 'cause you gotta look past it, is the trick.
And even if you never see it, your friends are gonna see it, and $500 is a small price to pay to impress your friends.
- Am I right? - Dad? I kind of just like regular bobbleheads.
Well, you're a terrible friend! Dad, what are you doing? Okay.
[SIGHS.]
I'm just gonna go outside, and rustle up some more business for us.
Okay? This is going great.
Just how we planned.
[GRUNTS.]
- [THUDS.]
- [GROANS.]
Hi.
Hey.
Remember the last time we were inside Uncle Jim? Yeah, I remember.
You told me I was beautiful and sweaty and then we kissed.
I should get going now.
Me and Amanda have plans, so Oh, no, she left.
I pushed her in a pool of Slurpee.
You what? Pushed her in a pool of Slurpee.
Listen, this has all just been a big misunderstanding.
Now we can be together.
What is wrong with you? "Now"? "Now we can be together"? [SHAKILY.]
You've wasted so much of my time.
And I [YELLS.]
I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them! And it's not you! [COIN CLATTERS.]
Hey, did you tell Miranda about us? Because I can't tell if this is just her normal aggression or if it's more like she's What are you doing? Jim! Bethany, look at this.
[EXCLAIMS.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you did it! You're my hero.
You saved the house.
House? No, no, no.
This money is to buy a bank and finish the Five Phase Plan.
How are we gonna get to Broadway if we use this money for rent? Jim, we're not going to New York.
We need this money.
Oh I see what this is about.
You know what you should do about your money problems, is talk to Kelly.
Oh, Jim.
No.
He is good with finances, and he gives great advice.
Just today I told him about us, and I decided not to tell Miranda.
Why would you tell Kelly about us? Oh, don't worry.
He's not in love with you anymore.
Besides, he says he has a glass stove.
No! No! If Miranda finds out about us from Kelly, it'll be a nightmare.
So now I have to go tell her myself before Kelly opens his big mouth.
Kelly's got a perfect-size mouth.
Miranda, what's wrong? Oh, sweetie, come here, come here.
[SNIFFLING.]
- Do you want a hot dog? Are you sure? - [SNIFFLING.]
There, there, Miranda.
It's not a sad thing your mother and I are in love.
- Jim.
Jim, no - It's a happy thing.
No, no.
I'm just glad that now we can laugh about all the sneaking around and lying directly to your face that we've been doing.
It's a good thing.
What? Is this some sort of joke? - No.
It's true.
- [SNIFFING.]
No.
No, Mom.
He's my uncle, you pervert! Break up with him! - No.
- [SIGHS.]
Uncle Jim, break up with her! We need to go to Broadway right now! Um [SWALLOWS.]
Miranda, the trip to New York has been postponed.
And we're using the money to pay for rent.
I'm sorry, Miranda! I'm sorry I'm in love with your mother.
[SNIFFLES.]
Hey, Miranda.
Go away.
[SNIFFLES.]
[SIGHS.]
You know, I heard about Jim and my wife.
I think it's pretty weird.
You know, they betrayed both of us.
I keep thinking to myself, how could my brother do that to me? But we're better off without them.
You're right, you know.
I came back for you.
Yeah.
That's because we're alike.
We both got talent.
Going places, legit.
And you wanna know what I keep thinking? Let's leave these liars behind.
What do you say I take you to New York City? Okay.
She'll come around.
And, besides, I've solved all our money problems.
We've got a good thing going here.
[THUDS.]
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
- [CRASHING.]
- [BETHANY SCREAMS.]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING.]