Heartbeat (1992) s02e07 Episode Script

1
Heartbeat
Why do you miss when
my baby kisses me?
Heartbeat
Why does a love kiss
stay in my memory? ♪
Morning.
I want one of them bank drafts things,
you know, it's a bit like a cheque.
Yeah. For how much, sir?
It's all in here.
I'm afraid I've had it hidden
a bit near some pigs.
Right. Um, do you have
an account with us?
No. I'm afraid I've always
made me own arrangements.
I don't really trust anybody.
I'm not too sure about myself!
Money's quite safe with this
bank, sir. I can assure you.
Ah well, if you believe
that, you'll knit fog.
How much is it gonna cost me?
Nick!
Hello, love. I thought you
were out doing your rounds.
Didn't you hear me
trying to start the car?
Oh, don't say you've
flooded it again!
Of course I haven't.
It just so happens that my
car has to stand outside
all night in all weathers because
there isn't any room in here.
It's not surprising
it won't start!
Look, I'm late for the surgery.
Can I take this?
Well, no. She needs a bit of work.
The engine's pinking.
Pinking?!
Well, what am I supposed to do?
I tell you what, I'll give
you a lift on me bike.
I'll get Mostyn to
look at your car.
Why don't you just take this thing
apart and store it in cardboard boxes.
It'd be about as much use.
By the way, there was a phone
call for you. Peter Hughes.
Peter Hughes?
I told him to ring the surgery.
That's a voice from the past.
What did he say?
Well?
- "Is Kate there?"
- Oh, Nick, come on!
Kate, if one of your old boyfriends
from the university rings up,
I'm hardly going to interrogate them.
It's bad manners.
- He'll probably ring the surgery.
- Hm-hmm.
Thanks. See you later.
Okay. We'll send someone
round right away.
- Morning!
- Hiya, Nick. What was that, Alf?
Er oh, what's his name.
From the Oddfellows Hall.
Says he's been broken into
and flooded out. Vandals.
What do you mean, flooded?
He says you'd want to
see his new parquet floor.
- Looks like the Rocky Mountains.
- I don't believe it!
I've booked that place for a football
club talent contest on Saturday night!
Well, you'd want to find somewhere else.
I've hired a dinner suit!
I ain't got time! I haven't sorted out
the entrants yet, let alone the prizes.
You're all gas and no do!
I mean, you shouldn't
have volunteered.
To stay in with the committee.
Well, how far have you got?
I mean, I don't want to miss out
on being MC for the evening.
Oh, I've got these so far,
and well, these are keen.
- Oh, dear! Have you got any posters up?
- Posters?
Yeah, publicity!
That's what gets people in.
Oh, go round to the Oddfellows Hall.
I'll sort something out.
Cheers, Alf.
Better get moving, Phil.
Bellamy! My office.
You too, Rowan.
(SNIFFS) Now.
Now, you two are aware of
the recent bank robberies
in the North Riding, I take it?
There was that one in
Northallerton the other day.
Well, I've just had a call from the
manager of the Northern Provincial.
He's concerned about somebody
he's spotted hanging about there
the past couple of days - a woman.
Now, I think it's a load of rubbish,
but get out there, check it over
and put his mind at rest.
But don't take all day over it!
Right, sarge.
I noticed she was hanging
about yesterday,
then she was here
again this morning.
I was just going to ask her what
her business was when she left.
- What time was this?
- Soon after we opened.
Then I saw she's settled
in over the road
and she was watching our
regular money delivery.
And how often is that?
Every week, same day.
Nick, she's gone.
Excuse us.
What's new, pussycat?
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
What's new, pussycat?
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
Pussycat, pussycat
I've got flowers and lots
of hours to spend with you
So go and powder your
cute little pussycat nose
Pussycat, pussycat, I love you
Yes, I do
You and your pussycat nose
What's new, pussycat?
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
What's new, pussycat?
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
Excuse me. Lady who came in,
guest here, is she?
Oh, you mean Miss Smith?
- Couldn't see your register, could I?
- Course you can.
- How long is she staying?
- A few more days, I think.
So, if you take one of those
pills three times a day
for the next 10 days,
you should be fine.
- Thank you, doctor.
- You're welcome. Bye-bye, Mrs. East.
- Peter! What are you doing here?
- Waiting for you!
Nick said you'll run by.
I didn't realise you were
actually in Aidensfield.
Ya, I'm here for a few days' walking.
Staying at the road in Elsinby.
I thought I'd look you up.
Are you on your own?
Yes. My wife decided
to stay in London.
- How are you anyway?
- Fine. We both are.
Why don't we all go out for dinner?
- Great! When?
- Tomorrow night?
Drop round to the house later
on, we'll sort something out.
Nick will be delighted.
Why don't we meet for
a drink this evening?
DOOR OPENS
- Eight o'clock at the Aidensfield Arms?
- Great! Ya, see you tonight, then.
I'm afraid Oddfellows Hall
is a disaster zone, Alf.
CID found fingerprints on the pipe,
but that's not much help, is it?
So, we're stuck.
So why don't you try
the Aidensfield Hall?
Oh, will do.
When you've finished
gossiping, Rowan.
- perhaps you'd make out a report!
RINGS
Ashfordly police.
No, it's a talent contest, not a
Buddy Holly look-alike competition.
PHONE RINGS
Ashfordly police.
All sounds rather unlikely to
me, Rowan. Is that all she did?
Er sorry to interrupt, sarge.
Just had a call from
the George Hotel.
Apparently Miss Smith
has checked out.
They said we wanted to know.
Well, let's hope she weren't
Ned Kelly in disguise.
Don't waste any more
time on it, Rowan.
There's more important
things in life.
Now, a little bird tells me that
Greengrass has been bragging
about a windfall heading his way.
Do you know anything about this?
News to me, sarge.
Then I think you should find
out exactly what he's up to.
Don't you, Constable?
Yes, sarge.
- Will that be all, sarge?
- Carry on.
- Everything all right?
- He's just finished.
I cleaned the points and
give the battery a boost.
- Nothing serious, eh?
- Nah, just damp really. Cheerio.
- Bye.
- See ya.
- You see?
- Yeah.
Guess why Peter Hughes rang?
He's up here on holiday.
He's invited us to dinner
tomorrow night.
I can't tomorrow night.
Late shift.
Oh, Nick, he's only
around for a few days.
Well, you go if you want to.
- You don't mind?
- Why should I?
Well
Kate, if you'd wanted to marry
a millionaire brewing heir,
you would have done.
Where did I go wrong?
Think of all that money!
I said we'd meet him for a drink
tonight, as well. See you later.
- Hello, George.
- Hello, Nick.
- You started taking in guests again?
- Matter of fact, we have.
What's her name?
Smith. Mrs. Smith.
Why? What's your interest?
Oh, nothing special.
Now, what's all this I hear
about a certain mutual acquaintance
of ours coming into some money?
Greengrass? I heard he'd bought
a strip of Holtby Moor.
Holtby Moor?
You know, up beyond Fylingdales.
Can't think why.
It's bleak up there and
the strip he's buying
ain't even big enough to
feed a couple of sheep.
- All right. Thanks, George.
- Bye.
Hello, Nick! Long time.
Peter Hughes.
- Oh, yeah. I remember you.
- Can I buy you a drink?
And please don't give me that old
line about now while I'm on duty!
Old it might be, but
it happens to be true.
So maybe another time.
All right.
Hello, Alfred.
What are you doing here?
Delta-Alpha 24 to control,
you receiving, over?
Go ahead, Nick.
Alf, do you know anything
about Holtby Moor?
Get off it before
you're blown off it.
Thanks a lot, Alf.
The social side of this club's gone
right downhill since he got on the team.
- Here we go, boys!
- Here he is!
- Help yourself, lads.
- Cheers.
I hope your love life's
better organised
than this talent contest, eh Phil.
I hear there's been a postponement
due to lack of venue.
Well, don't believe
everything you hear.
I've just sorted an alternative out.
- Oh? What's that, then?
- The village hall.
It's all a bit rustic.
Centre of the village, this place.
Whatever it is,
it must agree with you.
Yes, it does.
Coming back here was the
best thing I could've done.
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.
Took me a bit of time
to see that, though.
I wonder where Nick is.
I left him a note.
It all seems a long way
from Trafalgar Square.
D'you remember that time
we nearly got arrested?
Yes. You never struck
me as the CND type.
Why did you come on that march?
I must have enjoyed the company.
Oh, Peter!
I don't suppose you see much
of that sort of thing up here?
We have CND demonstrations
here too, you know.
- Do you go on them?
- That's not the point.
Yes, it is!
You know, you're the last one
I expected to settle down and
become a responsible local bigwig.
Peter, you and I are in
danger of falling out.
- Kate, sorry to butt in.
- Oh, that's alright.
Phil Bellamy, this is Peter
Hughes, an old friend.
- Pleased to meet you, mate.
- And you. Hello.
Kate, you couldn't do
me a favour, could you?
Go on.
Well, you know this talent contest
we've got organised this weekend?
- Yes?
- Well, we're a bit short on judges.
Who have you got so far?
Alderman Halstead, Doc Ferrenby.
And I was thinking we could do with
somebody a bit younger on the panel.
I see what you mean.
- And somebody in your position
- With standing in the community?
- Exactly.
- A bigwig.
Shut up, Peter! I'd love to.
- Thanks, Kate. Talk to you later.
- You're welcome. Yeah.
Well, it's just that you'd
be the fourth person
to sing 'Where the Bee Sucks'.
Oh, yes! Oh, that would
be a very good choice.
Goodbye.
Don't worry.
I think you're safe from her.
Are you sure I can't
drive you home?
- No. It's all right.
- But I'd like to!
Really, there's no need.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay. Goodnight, Katherine.
Another pint, please.
Oh, eh, George,
I wanted to ask you.
Have you heard about
this talent contest thing?
Aye, village hall, this Saturday.
I'm doing my W.C. Fields.
Should go well.
RADIO: Pop music
I thought you were going to join us.
I had to get this finished.
You could have dropped
in and said hello.
How'd it go?
Fine, thanks.
- How is he?
- Same as ever.
Good.
Right.
I'd better put this back.
DOG BARKS
CRASH AND SCREECH OF BRAKES
Bloody hooligans.
Will he be alright?
Oh, we won't know until
we've got him to hospital.
Did you see what hit him?
I just heard a screeching as
he come round the corner
and a bit of a bang.
By the time I got out here,
all I could see were taillights
heading towards Elsinby.
Then I saw the bike.
There's a few paint traces here.
We'll see better in the daylight.
Would you mind if I leave
the bike in your yard?
I'll be up in the morning.
Course not. You will let me
know if if he's all right?
Yeah. Thanks, Mr. Aldham.
BANGING AT DOOR
What do you want, Claude?
We're not open yet.
- Where's George?
- Where are you going?
He's upstairs, having a lie-in.
- Good. It's you I want a word with.
- What for?
I was thinking about
this talent contest.
I think I know a way how
we can make a few bob.
I'm not doing anything
illegal, Claude.
Wait until you're asked!
No, I was thinking,
I could run a book.
You know, take bets
on the contestants.
If we could bring in a dark horse,
you know, like a professional act
they know nowt about, we could
make 'em favourite and clean up.
Who do you know with the talent?
That's why I'm asking you!
You're always on about these pop
groups you know in Liverpool.
What?!
You suggest I ask friends of mine
to come all the way from Liverpool
to play in Ashfordly athletic
talent competition?
Well, why not?
Claude, half my mates have
trouble getting out of bed
let alone travelling 150 miles
to the middle of nowhere.
I'll make it worth
their while, won't I?
Oh, you will, will you?
What, there'll be travel expenses,
accommodation,
bit of cash in hand.
How much were you thinking?
I'll make it worth their while.
Now open your mouth really wide.
- Say ah.
- Ah.
No, it doesn't looked
inflamed at all.
Well, I just wanted to make sure when
she say it was awkward swallowing.
She's singing in the
talent contest, you see.
Oh, right.
I don't think you've got
anything to worry about.
I heard you are to be
one of the judges.
Word travels fast.
She's ever so good, our Mavis.
Would you like to hear.
No really, I look forward
to hearing it on the night.
Well, goodbye Doctor and thanks
for setting our minds at rest.
You're welcome.
And thank you for the eggs.
- Excuse me.
- Oh yes, Mrs. Smith.
Is there a telephone I can
use somewhere private.
Of course. Just through there.
- Help yourself.
- Thank you.
- How's the doctor's car then?
- Oh, it's fine, thanks.
Did you hear about that
hit-and-run last night?
Aye, I heard about that.
We're looking for a blue car.
We found paint traces
on the bicycle involved.
- So if you hear anything
- I'll let you know.
Hey, watch it.
Excuse me Constable.
Can you tell me where to
find one CJ Greengrass?
The directions I have
aren't very clear.
Right. You want to go through
the village, bear right at the end,
and it's about half
a mile up on the left.
You can't miss it,
it's quite distinctive.
I wonder what that's about?
Looks like the taxman's caught
up with Greengrass at long last!
Poor old Claude!
Not before time, mind you.
It's not the robbery that's the
problem, I tell you, it's the getaway!
It simply doesn't work at the moment.
Unless I can sort it out,
there's absolutely no point
in going through with it.
Weeks of observation wasted!
Yeah, these'll get the
punters queuing up.
Right.
Now, listen.
I've got old Sanderson coming
round with a bottle of champagne,
but don't let Blaketon
see it, cos it's a prize.
Blimey, are they all like that?
Unfortunately, no.
I've got a teddy bear
and I've got a sort of hamper
from those grocers down the road,
but that's that.
You're disgusting, Ventress.
And tidy your desk up!
It's a disgrace.
That's what I heard.
What do you make of this?
I found it in her
wastepaper basket.
It's the Northern and
Provincial Bank!
Right, I'd better phone in.
Thanks, George.
- Hello there!
- Oh, hello, Alex!
It sounded like a busy
surgery this morning.
Are we going to have an
epidemic or something?
Nothing more serious than
stars in the eyes, I think.
Well, how do you mean?
I've spent the entire morning
being badgered by doting mums
telling me how their kids deserve
to win the talent contest.
Yes, of course, I heard.
You're joining us judges, eh?
Well, that's good news.
Have you been getting
visitors as well?
Hmm, I did, till I stopped
answering the bell.
I'm a bit worried about
the ethics of this.
In what way?
Well, they all seem intent
on giving me things.
In that case, my advice is
accept graciously any foodstuffs
but draw the line at cash.
Well, that's what I do!
Come on, let me open the door for you.
All the people down the street
whoever you meet, say I'm a bad boy
Say I'm a bad boy
Say I'm a bad boy
Even dear old Dad when he
gets mad, says I'm a bad boy
Says I'm a bad boy ♪
Good morning, Nick! Sorry
you couldn't join us last night.
Is this your car?
We're being very serious, aren't we?
It's a very serious matter.
Has the car been washed recently?
Yes, constable. This morning.
Where were you between
10 and 11 last evening?
Well, I rather think you know.
I was with your wife.
Then I left the pub here
and drove back to Elsinby.
Would you mind telling me
what this is all about?
There was an accident
on that road last night.
The driver didn't stop.
A cyclist was knocked down and we
found traces of blue paint on his bike.
Hit-and-run, you mean?
A man's still in hospital.
Well, I'm sorry. I can't help.
I didn't see anything.
Well, please don't go anywhere
without letting me know first.
I might need to speak to you again.
Well, Kate knows where I am.
Yes, sir. I spoke to the manager.
They're not due a cash
delivery till next week.
Meanwhile, the woman
seems to be staying put.
I've had her under observation
most of the day, and
and we'll be warned if she
shows any signs of packing up.
Right, sir.
Thank you.
(What are they up to?)
I rang the hospital this morning.
You won't get a statement
until tomorrow at the earliest.
Kate, don't take this the wrong way,
but did Peter leave the pub at
the same time as you last night?
I don't know. Why?
He was driving back
to Elsinby, wasn't he?
You're not suggesting he
was the hit-and-run driver?
Well, his car's the right colour.
Oh, Peter would have stopped,
I know he would.
But I have to consider
the possibilities.
You sure that's all
you're considering?
Kate, I was saving that.
A shilling, right. Pay up.
Fred Smith, shilling on.
Oscar Blaketon.
Ah, Mrs. Bromley.
What can we do for you?
Excuse me, Mr. Greengrass.
But is it true that you're taking
bets on the talent competition?
Yeah, that's right. I thought I
ought to provide the service.
You know, just for a bit of fun.
Well, tell me, how does it work?
Well, you either bet them to win or
each way to be in the first three.
I see. What price are you offering on
the Junior School's Sugar Plum Fairies?
Sugar Plum Fairies?
Ah, you can have it
for 20-1, Mrs. Bromley.
All right, we'll have £5.
- £5? What, to win?
- Each way.
£5 each way, huh?
£5 each way, Sugar Plum Fairies,
Mrs. Bromley, 20-1.
There is one car that
could be a suspect.
It's the right colour.
Any marks on it?
It's got a few scratches.
It's been newly washed.
Aye, to remove the evidence.
The driver said it was dirty.
Well, keep on to it, Rowan.
He's not getting away with this.
Three sugars.
Bellamy! You still here?
Your shift ended hours ago.
Yes, sarge. I wanted to
finish some paperwork
and clear me desk
for t' weekend.
About time at all.
This place is like a rubbish tip.
And would you kindly
tell me why there's a box
full of assorted provisions
behind your stool.
I uh, did my shopping before
I came in this morning, sarge.
Then, you might at least have
put it somewhere out of sight.
This is a police station,
not the bloody Co-op!
Champagne for your talent show.
Who's going to sign?
Will somebody kindly
tell me what's going on?
On your way, lad.
Been organising a talent contest
for the local football team, sarge.
- Champagne's a prize.
- During police time?
You've been wasting valuable
police time on frivolities?
Well, we all helped, sarge.
Spread the load a bit.
It's the local team.
Since when have you
played football, Ventress?
No, it's all down to me, sarge.
Then you'll have to take
the consequences, Bellamy.
I'll have to consider what action
to take very carefully.
Excuse me, my dear,
can you tell me the exact time?
- It's twenty-five past seven.
- Thank you.
It's all in the book.
Ten bob. All right?
There you go, Claude.
Another ten bob in the pot.
Don't worry, you'll get your share.
I've got Johnny's doing the clerking.
How about the lads?
Are they happy with the deal?
Yeah, as long as you throw
in a bit of beer money extra.
So long as they're worth it.
I mean, they are really
good, aren't they?
Claude, they're going to be on
Opportunity Knocks next year!
I didn't ask you that.
I asked if they were any good.
They're brilliant.
Right. Bring the sustenance.
- Dr. Rowan.
- Hello, Claude.
Evening Dr. Rowan.
What can I get you?
Nothing, thanks.
Is George around?
- Oh, he's rehearsing.
- Not him as well!
You can't escape it.
Between you and me,
he's a bit put out by the odds
that Claude's offering on him.
Greengrass is taking bets?
Yeah! He's asked me to
find him a dark horse.
A couple of lads I know
from Liverpool.
Claude thinks they'll win and he'll
clean up cos no-one's bet on them.
I shouldn't have said that, should I?
You won't tell your husband, will you?
Well, it depends whether
his scheme works or not.
What do you think?
Listen, I was going to ask George,
but you can probably tell me.
My friend last night, did he
come back in after I left?
Your husband was asking
me the same question.
Yup, he was still
here at closing time.
Oh.
TRAIN WHISTLE
Damn!
TRIPS ON STONES AND FALLS
Ooh! Ow!!
Alex? It's Nick.
I'm sorry to bother you, but
Kate's out for the evening.
I've just had a call from
the railway station.
There's been an accident.
All right. I'll see you there.
I've um split up with my wife.
You're getting ready to
ask me, weren't you?
What I was really doing here.
I'm sorry.
What happened?
I really liked myself
when I was with you.
We had a good time together.
Do you remember?
I haven't been that happy
since, to be honest.
Ever.
Yes, I do remember.
But it's a memory.
It's something that existed between
us that doesn't exist any more.
Can you seriously tell me
that you're happy here,
stuck in the middle of nowhere,
as a policeman's wife?!
I think I'd like to go home now.
Well, what were you doing here?
I was coming down the bank,
I lost my footing, I fell.
- Does that hurt?
- Yes.
- Do you feel that?
- Yes!
Alright. Well, I think
it's only a sprain.
Well, let's try and get
you to your feet.
- Upsadaisy!
- Now.
You think you can put any
weight on the foot at all?
- Yes, a bit.
- Good.
We'll get you down to the
waiting room over there.
There now. Careful.
That's the way.
We had a fight over you, you know.
Who did?
Short but memorably violent.
Nick and I.
He never told you, did he?
He's been keeping
secrets from you, Kate.
You had a fight with Nick?
You didn't seriously expect me to give
you up, without putting up a fight.
Don't be such a bloody idiot.
Come on, you're just saying that.
You haven't listened to
a damn word I've said!
You're just bored, Peter. Face it.
Go back to your wife and put a
bit of effort into your marriage.
Just go back to London.
- Can't!
- What?
Love to, can't.
Why not?
Because your delightful, impartial
husband has told me not to.
I'm a hit-and-run drunk driver.
Can't you tell?
I'm stuck right here
until he says I can go.
Dirty fighter, old Nick.
Bring the lady in here
and put her down there.
Carefully does it.
There now, there's a little
more light in here.
I think we'd better get you in for an
X-ray, just to be on the safe side, eh?
Aren't you Amanda Young?
Ah, yes, I am.
Oh, good gracious me!
I'm a great fan of yours.
I've read so many of your books.
Ah, what brings you to Aidensfield?
I am just doing some
research for my new book.
It all hinges around a false alibi.
You see, the villain has to
go across country at night
in time to catch a train.
That's why I was coming
down the bank.
It'll be a very boring book
but at least nobody will be
able to fault the timetable.
Do you realise you've had half the local
police force running around in circles?
We thought you were the lookout
for a gang of armed robbers.
No! Really?
What fun!
I did see some policemen asking
about me at the hotel in Ashfordly.
That's why I came
here to avoid them.
Well, that just made
us more suspicious.
Oh, I'm really sorry for putting you
to all that trouble, young man.
Seriously.
Well, there just might be
something you can do for us.
You never told me you
had a fight with Peter.
You what?
You had.
What's brought this up?
Peter has.
So you've had a
good evening then?
What happened?
It was hardly a fight.
He took a swing at me,
and then he fell over.
He was so drunk I'm
surprised he remembered.
Is that all?
What did you want? Blood?
Get off!
BEATLES: Twist and Shout
Well, shake it a baby now
Shake it a baby
Twist and shout
Twist and shout
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, baby now
Come on, baby
Come on and work it all out
Work it all out
Well, work it all out
Work it all out
You know you look so good
Look so good
You know you got me going now
Got me going
Just like I knew you would
Like I knew you would
Oh shake it a-baby now
- I don't believe it!
- I don't either.
Hey, George!
What's all that about?
He's only gone and sold Holtby
Moor to the Ministry of Defence!
He's made a fortune out of it!
At least £25,000!
They needed the whole lot,
and Claude went and bought a
few acres plonk in the middle!
The crafty old beggar!
- Good morning, Constable Rowan.
- Good morning, Miss Young.
- What's that?
- Your transport, madam.
If you'd like to go through
Excuse me, chaps.
May I introduce you to our
suspected bank robber
who is, in fact, Miss Amanda
Young, the detective novelist.
- How d'you do?
- How do you do?
More to the point, Phil,
the answer to your troubles.
How?
Well, didn't you notice that book
Blaketon was reading the other day?
He's a fan. And Miss Young has
offered to speak on your behalf.
Thanks very much. But what's
your interest in a talent contest?
- She's going to be one of the judges.
- Is she?
And I thought I might
offer a small cash prize,
just by way of an
apology to you all.
That would be much appreciated.
So, where is this
Sergeant Blaketon?
Through here.
KNOCK
Come in.
Sarge, Miss Amanda Young,
the detective novelist.
Miss Young!
Well, I I never realised.
Thank you, Rowan.
Well, I though you
looked familiar, but
well your photograph,
doesn't do you justice.
Oh, that ridiculously
flattering photograph!
I've asked my publishers to
change it, but they never do.
Take a seat.
This is a great pleasure.
I've read all your books.
I'm a great fan.
So, what brings you to Ashfordly?
Oh. I've been invited to
judge a talent competition.
A talent competition?
Really?
I like keeping my eye on things.
(CHUCKLING) Well, I agree.
Bellamy!
You should have explained
what a distinguished event
this talent competition is.
It's certainly something this police
station should be involved with.
Yes, sarge.
In fact, I think that
Sgt Blaketon would
like to take part in
the contest himself.
With you on the judges' panel?
I'd like that.
Uh what would you
be doing, sarge?
I haven't decided yet, Bellamy.
But something classical.
A piece from Gilbert and Sullivan,
or perhaps a dramatic recitation.
I do a very fine 'Green Eye
of the Little Yellow God'.
(SNORTS)
- Did you say something, Ventress?
N-no, sarge.
Right. Can I offer you a lift back
to Aidensfield, Miss Young?
That would be kind.
Sarge, could I have
a quick word, please?
Right. Will you excuse me?
Bellamy, tea. Ventress, chair.
Sarge, the Ministry of Defence
has just bought Holtby Moor.
Has it?
Well, it's got something to do
with Fylingdales, I suppose.
Yeah, only they had a bit of
trouble with one of its owners.
He didn't want to sell and
they needed his patch.
You don't mean who
I think you mean?
Well, they had to pay way
over the odds, sarge.
The word is, Greengrass has
made an absolute fortune.
I don't believe it!
They're saying he's made
at least £25,000 profit.
He's driving up and down Aidenfield
high street in a pink Cadillac.
CAR HORN
- You made it, lads!
- All right there, Gina, chuck?
Classy car for a classy act!
Hey, hey, hey,
mind the coachwork!
- Afternoon, Claude.
- What now, Constable?
What about all this then?
Bit better than that load
of rubbish I sold you!
Well, you be careful
where you park it.
Where'd you get it from?
I bought it off one of the
Yanks over at Fylingdales.
How d'you know about that land?
Aye. Business acumen,
it's called, Constable.
Besides, when I was doing a bit
of rabbiting, I saw them surveying.
With my silver tongue and a bit
of the dropsy, it worked wonders.
Anyway, you'll have to excuse me cause
I think I might be going to add to it.
- That's right.
- [indistinct]
Oh
Wish me luck.
You do realize if you make
any wrong decisions
half the village won't be
speaking to us tomorrow.
Thank you very much, Nick.
What do you think?
Fine.
Are you sure?
Yeah. You'll fit in with
all the other bigwigs.
Hey, you two.
You'd better be getting down
there in case you're called in.
I'm only waiting
for the relief staff.
Another pint.
I thought you're suppose to
be one of the organisers?
What's that lot got
to do with football?
Bellamy's Benefit, I call it.
Big waste of bloody time
like the rest of them.
Well, what have you got
to be so miserable about?
Just give us a beer, love, eh?
One, two, three, four.
Is that all right?
Quiet, please!
Phil, how are you getting on
with your spot? Alright?
I can't work it.
Do you know anything?
Evening, Constable.
What time are you on?
May I first of all say what a pleasure
it is to see so many of you here.
Now, we have a large number
of entries in the competition,
so, without further ado,
I'd like to introduce the judges.
First, all the way from London,
the well-known novelist,
Miss Amanda Young.
APPLAUSE
And from Ashfordly,
Alderman Halstead.
And from here in Aidensfield,
the distinguished Doctors
Ferrenby and Rowan.
APPLAUSE AND WOLF WHISTLES
Blimey, Nick. What have
you done wi' your missus?
I'm not sure.
From Elsinby, little Mavis Smith.
APPLAUSE
Once mother said 'My little pet
You ought to learn the alphabet'
So in my soup I used to get
All the letters of the alphabet ♪
Well done, well done.
(I wouldn't be surprised if
we hear that frightful song
a few more times
before the evening's out.)
Please welcome Oscar Blaketon.
APPLAUSE
There's a one-eyed yellow idol
to the north of Katmandu.
There's a little marble
cross below the town.
And a broken-hearted woman tends
How did he make sergeant?
while the Yellow God
forever gazes down.
(He was known as Mad Carew)
(I know that, Ventress.)
FAINT LAUGHTER
He was known as Mad Carew
by the subs at Katmandu.
He was hotter than they
felt inclined to tell.
But for all his foolish pranks,
he was worshipped in the ranks.
And the colonel's daughter
smiled on him as well.
HORN
There's a famous seaside
place called Blackpool.
That's noted for fresh air and fun.
And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom
I don't think I'll let him
do my motor again!
ALAN PRICE: Simon Smith
And His Amazing Dancing Bear
I may go out tomorrow if I
can borrow a coat to wear
Oh, I'd step out in style with my
sexy smile and my dancing bear
Outrageous! Alarming!
Courageous, charming
Oh, who would think a boy and bear
could be well accepted everywhere
It's just amazing how
fair people can be
Seen at the nicest places
Where well-fed faces
all stop to stare
Making the grandest entrance
Is Simon Smith and his dancing bear
They love us
Won't they?
They feed us
Don't they?
Oh, who would think a boy and bear
could be well accepted everywhere
It's just amazing how
fair people can be ♪
Now, next we have a late entry
who've come over from Liverpool
to be here tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Mersey Hounds.
APPLAUSE
Thank you.
These are the lads.
Give 'em some stick.
(OUT OF TUNE)
When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid
HISSING AND BOOING
of the dark ♪
LOUD BOOING
Hey, you! Watch where you're going.
You've just banged into my car!
Sod off.
Well, that's nice, isn't it.
Come on.
And now, from Aidensfield,
Miss Gina Ward.
APPLAUSE
We-e-e-ell
You know you make me want to shout
Look, my hand's jumping,
Look, my heart's pumping
Throw my head back
Come on, now
PC Rowan, can you
come outside, please?
Yeah.
He ploughed right into my car.
Now look, that's my car
there and that one's his.
And when I confronted him
he used a swear word at
me in front of my little boy.
That's where he crashed into mine.
Right.
I don't know what the world's
coming to, I honestly don't.
BANGING
Excuse me.
Well, come on, come on ♪
- Oi, what's your game?
- Get lost!
CLANGING
Say that you love me,
say that you need me
- Where are you going?
- Get off me. What are you doing?
- What do you think you're doing?
- I haven't done nowt!
- Get off, you're breaking me arm!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
- Come here. Well done, Alf.
- There you are, Nick.
I'll take him.
I only pulled a fuse out.
Now I want you from
the bottom of my soul
Yeah, yeah ♪
What have we got here?
Assault for a start.
D'you know this bloke?
- Yeah, Mark Sutton. He's on t'team.
- Take him, Phil.
Come on, it's just a bit of fun.
- This is your car?
- Yeah, so?
I've reason to believe you
left the scene of an accident
two nights ago without
stopping on Elsinby Road.
That's rubbish.
That and assault of a police officer
and driving while under the influence.
Come on, take him.
- What have you been doing, Mark?
- Nothing!
You all right?
Phil, we'll take him
down the station later.
You want to check his fingerprints.
I bet they match the ones
from Oddfellows Hall.
- But why?
- Dangerous game, innit?
- What?
- Football.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the
moment that you've all been waiting for.
If the judges have made their
I want a word with you, young woman.
Gimme the book.
Right. Would you like to
go up on stage, please?
Well now, third prize,
this remarkable teddy bear,
goes to Master Adam Hardcastle for
his splendid display of tap dancing.
APPLAUSE
20-1! Half his flaming family
backed him each way.
And now for the second prize.
This wonderfully generous cheque
from my fellow judge, Miss Young,
goes to Aidensfield Junior
School for their dancing.
APPLAUSE
It goes from bad to worse, this!
Watch Greengrass for this.
First prize, a bottle of champagne
and a surprise hamper,
goes to Gina Ward!
APPLAUSE
Nothing you can say can tear
Peter, can I have a word please?
I just wanted to let you know we've
found the hit-and-run driver.
Oh, so it's not me? Good.
Am I free to go now, constable?
Well, there's no need for you
to hang around here, no.
Well, I've finished here, anyway.
See you, Nick.
Talk about a mug and his money!
Ah, evening all.
Evening.
You know, I've done over £300 in there
in cold blood! I'll murder that Gina!
would make me untrue to my guy
My guy ♪
- You did well.
- I'm exhausted after that lot.
Greengrass is saying that you judges
cheated him out of some money.
Just call it natural
justice at work.
Fancy a dance?
And you in uniform. Why not?
Going to walk me home?
Play your cards right.