Hey Arnold! (1996) s02e07 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(WIND BLOWING)
(DOGS BARKING)
(CAT HISSING)
Look, there it is.
The mothership.
That is so cool.
I bet they attack
the Earth tonight.
TV ANNOUNCER: Tune in
to the Z Files next week
when aliens attack the Earth.
Next week?
(BOTH SIGH)
Ah, I can't believe you kids
can watch that garbage.
The writing is terrible.
TV ANNOUNCER:
Next, it's UFO Tonight
with your host Douglas Cain.
UFO Tonight,
I love this show.
UFO's, flying saucers,
they loom large
in the imagination
but, indeed,
do they exist?
We now know that this Earth
is watched closely
by intelligences
greater than man's.
We are scrutinized
and studied.
This small spinning fragment
of solar driftwood.
As your host, and reporter,
and writer, and producer,
I will be your guide
on your quest
to make contact on
UFO Tonight.
Okay, you couch potatoes,
enough with this
boob-tube twaddle.
Oh, come on, man.
It's time for our meeting
about the annual
boarding house
Halloween party.
Hey, Grandpa,
can Gerald and I
help out this year?
Oh, no, Arnold.
Halloween
is a serious business
and it's not for kids.
No, no, no, Arnold,
the purpose of Halloween
is to scare
the living daylights
out of everyone
until they scream
bloody murder
and beg for mercy.
Oh, ho, ho, I do love
a good Halloween prank.
And this year, we're gonna
do it better than ever.
Now go to bed.
Mr. Hyunh, let's start
with our costume
committee report.
The costume committee report
is as follows:
Grandma will be a witch.
Like that's a stretch.
Ernie will play
the executioner.
Wait a minute.
You said I was
gonna be Frankenstein.
No, this year,
I play Frankenstein.
You and what army,
old man?
You told me last year,
you'll play
the bride of Frankenstein.
Yeah, I play.
Let me play Frankenstein.
(BOTH CONTINUE ARGUING)
So, our usual
Halloween plan, Arnold?
No, Gerald.
This year,
I think the grown-ups
need a good scare.
And I think it should
involve aliens.
Perhaps across
an immense ethereal gulf
intellects vast, cruel
and unsympathetic
regard this Earth
with envious eyes.
Hi, Dad.
Shh. Quiet, Olga,
I can't hear the TV.
It's Helga, Dad.
Whatever.
Go sit down somewhere,
I can't see.
(SIGHS) How many times
is he gonna call me Olga?
Does he think it's funny
or something?
Oh, criminy!
Reporting accounts
of actual encounters
with alien creatures
too hideous to describe.
More thing
than sentient being.
(LAUGHS)
I can't believe this guy.
Every week it's another
close encounter.
Raise you a nickel.
I'll see your nickel.
You know it's all a fake.
That's a nickel to you, Bob.
And I raise you a dime.
I'm telling you
it's true, you guys.
That Cain guy's an expert.
He knows what
he's talking about.
You mean, you believe
that junk, Bob?
Believe it?
Of course, I believe it.
I had a close encounter
myself once.
MIRIAM: Oh, Bob,
please don't start.
Happened nearly 20 years ago.
I was driving a pick-up
full of cut-rate
Canadian transistors
across North Dakota.
(MUSIC FADES OUT ON RADIO)
All of a sudden,
radio starts acting funny.
Grass all around me
is blowing flat,
and there's this weird light
coming from all directions.
Next thing I know,
I'm wandering around
in the parking lot of the
Royal Forks smorgasbord.
How the heck
did that happen?
Did anyone else
see the flying saucer, Bob?
Nope, I was
the only witness.
You don't believe me, do you?
Mark my word,
flying saucers do exist,
and we're gonna
see aliens someday.
And they're gonna look
exactly like
that.
(CARS HONKING)
And we're gonna look
exactly like this.
But Helga,
I wanted to go as pirate.
No, Viking.
How about clowns?
We're all going as aliens,
'cause the whole purpose
of Halloween
is to scare people
and make them give you candy.
Now, here's the deal.
Rhonda, Nadine and Eugene,
get the silver fabric.
Sid, you scrounge up
some foil.
We're gonna need lots
and lots of foil.
Harold, you get
the face paint.
Hey, football head
and tall hair boy,
you in or out?
Out. We've got something
planned for Halloween night.
Hey, what if you guys
all come as aliens
to my house?
We're having a party.
(ALL CHEER)
Wait a minute.
You're inviting
the whole class over?
They'll be our alien
invasion, it's perfect.
If we time this right,
we'll scare Grandpa
and the boarders
right out of their minds.
(KIDS GIGGLING)
KIDS: Trick or treat?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Trick or treat.
Okay, here you go.
Here's one for you.
Oh, what are you?
Ah, I miss the spread
by one lousy point on
Ugh, come on,
I gotta win something.
What's going on?
Dad. Dad.
What?
What do you think
of my costume?
It's fine.
Dad, you haven't
even seen it yet.
(GRUNTS) Helga, what?
I'm trying to figure out
how much I lost
on football yesterday.
Dad, I just want you
to look at the costume
I'm wearing.
There, I see it.
You satisfied?
How could Green Bay
win again?
Another touching
father-daughter moment.
If anyone needs me,
I'll be out soaping windows.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Trick or treat.
Oh, oh.
You all look so adorable.
Why don't you help yourself
to some worms and cockroaches?
(SCREAMING)
Ha, Happy Halloween.
You can't be Frankenstein.
No, I am Frankenstein.
(PLAYING BAGPIPES)
Suzie, what did you do
with my cape?
I think
it looks great, Oskar.
I have 16 holes
in my fingers.
I don't know
what more you want of me.
GERALD: Got it.
Well, Arnold.
It's showtime.
It's 7:49.
I told Helga to bring
everyone over at 8:00.
(STATIC ON RADIO)
Hey, Arnold,
I see them.
They're four houses down.
Let's go, Gerald.
It's time
for the alien attack.
(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING)
We interrupt this broadcast
to bring to you
a special bulletin.
A large saucer-like craft
of unknown origin
is reported to have landed
on the outskirts of the city.
GRANDPA: What?
Oh, quiet, everybody.
Whoa, whoa, quiet everybody.
Something's going on.
I repeat, there are reports
of an alien spacecraft
landing on the outskirts
of the city.
I'm at the scene
where a small crowd
has gathered
around the scorched area
where a saucer-like craft
has landed.
Wait. Wait.
The top of the craft
seems to be opening.
Unscrewing,
like a huge lid.
Now it's opening,
and something
is coming out.
Oh, my.
Several of them.
Silver with huge
bulbous heads.
I can hardly bear
to look at them.
They're so revolting.
(STAMMERS)
This is a joke, right?
Uh, Mr. Cain, sir,
this is Smitty.
CAIN: Come in, Smitty.
Uh, yeah, sir.
Could I come back
to the station now?
It's Halloween night tonight.
No, you cannot
come back to the station.
It's All Hallows' Eve.
The perfect night
for aliens to try and
infiltrate our planet
disguised as humans.
I sent you out
to look for signs
of paranormal alien activity
and that's what
you will continue to do
until your shift ends
at ten o'clock.
But I
Over and out
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
Mr. Smitty.
SMITTY: I can't believe this.
Like I'm really gonna find
aliens on Halloween night.
GERALD ON RADIO:
total of eight aliens
have climbed out
of the spacecraft.
Oh, I see their leader.
If possible, this one
is more hideous and
Holy cow!
They've now left
the landing site
and are proceeding
to the east side.
I believe they're headed
down Vine Street.
Vine Street?
Our Vine Street?
(ALL GASP)
SMITTY: Vine Street?
(TIRES SCREECH)
Oh, my gosh, the aliens.
(DIALS PHONE)
I gotta get this on tape.
Douglas Cain here.
Boss, Mr. Cain,
I found aliens.
Great Scot, man,
get it on video.
Now, listen.
We all know there's
no such thing as aliens.
Now, let's all calm down.
This is not time for panic.
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
(ALL SCREAM)
It's just a door,
you ninnies.
Yes?
Trick or treat.
(SCREAMS)
It's the aliens!
They're here.
One side, gramps.
(ALL SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING) Mommy!
CAIN: Smitty.
Come in, Smitty.
I've lost the picture.
I'm surrounded
by incompetence.
Well, Miriam,
the kid's out
trick or treating.
It's you, me and the wheel.
CAIN: You, out of that chair.
I'm taking control of
What now?
We interrupt
this broadcast
to bring you
a special bulletin.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have grave news.
Radio transmissions
were picked up tonight
in the east-side neighborhood
below Wells Ridge.
Reporting that
aliens have landed.
I knew it.
I knew something funny
was going on tonight, Miriam.
Before we lost contact
with our reporter
at the scene,
we received
this video fragment.
I think the meaning
of this footage
is self-evident.
Aliens have indeed
landed among us.
They intend
to take no prisoners,
and their ultimate goal,
clearly, is to enslave
the human race.
Just a moment,
just a moment.
I'm receiving
a radio transmission
from the scene,
an unknown source.
GERALD ON RADIO:
I see it, huge,
like nothing
I've ever seen,
the mothership.
I repeat,
it's landed on Wells Ridge.
And it's huge, with bolts
and rings of lights around it.
The mothership.
Arnold,
kill the lights.
Stinky.
Come in, Stinky.
The eagle has landed.
I don't see
no eagle here, Arnold.
But I'm gonna go ahead
and plug in the mothership.
It's pretty, Arnold. Over.
(CRACKLING)
Hey, all them
other lights went out.
Now, ain't that
a coincidence. Over.
Look, it's the mothership.
OSKAR: (CRIES)
It's the end of the world.
Stinky? Stinky?
Oh, well.
I wonder if our little
radio show scared anybody.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Oh, mama Yoni,
what a night.
Oh.
Sorry, short man.
I thought you were a package.
Now, where have
you two been?
Can't you see that
aliens are attacking
and the city's in flames?
Slow down, Grandpa, it was us.
We did it to scare you.
We did a radio show
on the roof. It was us.
This is no time
for jokes, boys.
Look, there's
their mothership.
Grandpa,
that's the water tower.
Stinky's up there.
He lit them with
Christmas lights.
Who? What?
Well, what about them
silver bulbous
ugly-looking creatures
at my front door?
That was Helga and Harold
and all the other kids
in my class.
Hold the phone!
That was you on the radio?
Yeah. We used
your old transmitter
from the attic
and set it up
so you guys would
pick up the broadcast
at the Halloween party.
Yeah, check this out.
We interrupt this program,
to bring to you
a special bulletin.
Aliens have landed.
Well, what do you know.
That was you.
Ooh, very impressive.
Hey, what about Douglas Cain
flapping his gums
about it on TV?
How'd you convince him?
Wait a minute.
Douglas Cain was talking
about it on TV?
Yeah. A special bulletin
just like your prank.
Except he was showing video
of the same aliens
that came to our front door.
The news is all over town,
the city's in panic.
Uh-oh.
The TV station must have
picked up our radio show.
Grandpa, what happened
to Helga and the kids
after you saw them?
(SCREAMING)
(ADULTS YELLING)
Well, short man,
looks like we better
go save your friends.
Hop in, boys.
(ENGINE STARTS)
Pooky, what are you doing?
It's a bad night to be out.
Don't wait up.
Crazy old bird.
(TIRES SCREECH)
(HONKING)
MAN ON RADIO:
This is the emergency
broadcast system.
Aliens have landed.
pouring into the streets
and beepers
are jammed everywhere.
Beepers are jammed?
That tears it.
Now it's personal, Miriam.
Oh
They don't know I've been
waiting for them, Miriam,
ever since North Dakota.
And this time, I'm ready.
Bob, please.
Can't we just enjoy
the candlelight?
You and me have had this day
for a long time, baby.
Stay in the house, Miriam.
And don't open the door
for any blasted aliens.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
We're not aliens.
We're just a bunch of kids
out trick or treating
dressed as aliens.
Don't be fooled by them.
That's what all aliens say.
Get it through
your thick head.
We're just a bunch
of fourth graders.
This is just make-up, see.
Hey, it won't come off.
Get them.
Get the group.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh, that was brilliant.
The face paint
won't come off.
What kind did
you get, anyway?
I got
I got something called
permanent exterior latex
'cause I figured
we'd be outside all night.
Oh, criminy.
I'm surrounded.
It's all a fake.
GERALD: It's a hoax.
It's a Halloween trick.
No one believes us,
Grandpa.
I don't think
they can even hear us.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(ALL GASP)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Holy macnema, hey, amore
Harvey.
HARVEY: Yeah.
Big Bob here.
Ha. You look out
your window lately?
HARVEY: You better
believe it. Yep.
That's right.
There's a big mothership
parked on the Ridge, huh?
You guys all laughed at me
when I said we needed
an invasion plan.
You called it, Bob.
Aliens do exist, you know.
It looks like
they mean business.
Darn right, they do.
So do I.
Are you with me?
Yeah, I'm with you, Bob.
Let's go kick
some alien butt.
All right.
Meet the Butcher
at 45th and Madison
You there,
be careful with that.
That may be the last
make-up kit on Earth.
Do we have any power yet?
No, not yet, Mr. Cain.
Only outside the city
and parts of the west-side.
Well, I'll get word
to the rest of the country
and Planet Earth as long
as I can draw breath.
Yes, sir.
Let's not sit here and wait
for the aliens to enslave us.
To Wells Ridge.
ASSISTANT: To Wells Ridge.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
BOB: Ha, look at these
pathetic losers.
They don't stand a chance
against the aliens.
(MUTTERING)
I surrender.
Hail conquering heroes
from outer space.
Oh, yeah, that's good.
That's good, very good.
Make friends right away,
good.
Please don't hurt me.
My liege,
I come bearing gifts.
Hey, isn't that
the school principal?
Yeah, it's Principal Wartz.
Oh, but what if
they take me hostage?
Hmm. Ah, I'll offer
to lead them to the children.
Actually, that's good,
that'll work.
What you got there, Wartz?
Nothing.
Nothing much.
A few, uh,
assorted trinkets.
Chocolates, nylons.
I don't get it.
You little worm.
You were gonna surrender
to the aliens, weren't you?
No, no, I swear.
Yeah. Well, listen,
and listen tight.
Either you grow
a spine pronto
and join the fight
for the human race,
or I'll send you home
to Mrs. Wartz
in a chocolate box.
I'm with you all the way.
Go, humans, go.
Go, humans, go.
Fight, fight, fight.
Oh, just sit down
and shut up.
This is all
your fault, Helga.
If we'd only
dressed up like pirates.
HELGA: Put a sock in it,
you weird little gerbil.
(PANTING) I can't
do it anymore, Helga.
I can't run.
All right, suck it up
you bunch of whiners.
Let's keep going till we get
to the top of the ridge.
No one will find us there.
Howdy, Helga.
You fellas
having a fun Halloween?
Fun? You think
being chased up a hill
by an angry mob is fun?
They think we're real aliens.
You don't say?
I wonder if it's on account
of Arnold and Gerald and me
playing that Halloween prank
on the radio
saying the aliens
were attacking the planet.
You mean,
this whole alien attack,
it is a prank?
I reckon so.
Arnold thought it up.
Arnold!
Did you hear something
just now, Gerald?
No.
I've got a bad feeling
about Helga
and the other kids.
I wonder how they're doing.
BOB: Ah, the mothership.
Okay, it's payback time.
Here's the plan.
You see these beepers?
Yep.
I've strung together six dozen
of my top-of-the-line model
and wired them
to an egg timer.
When I cross this wire,
it'll start a chain reaction
that'll blow that mothership
back to the Stone Age.
I'm going to the top
of the ridge.
First sign of aliens,
I'll wave,
and then you launch
the beepers.
Go, humans, go.
Go, humans, go.
Fight, fight, fight.
CAIN: As the city below
lies in darkness and ruin,
I'm obsessed by the fact that
I may be the last living,
award-winning reporter
on Earth.
And as I bring you
what may be
my final report
before the end
of the human race,
I know that the hill top
is gripped in eerie quiet.
ALL: The aliens!
Mr. Pataki, stop.
(GROANS)
Nobody move.
I've got your repulsive
little leader.
Dad, it's me, Helga.
Huh. You do
sound like Helga.
Oh, it's happening.
My worst fear.
The aliens
are taking over my mind.
You're gonna pay for this.
This is astonishing.
The large, hulking man
is about to ring
the alien leader's
scrawny neck.
But now, an odd
football-headed boy
seems to be trying
to stop him.
ARNOLD: Mr. Pataki, stop.
It really is Helga.
Not now, kid.
I'm saving the world.
That's the signal.
Fire.
(TIMER TICKING)
(KIDS SCREAMING)
Helga. Is that you?
Is that really you, Helga?
Hello! It's been me
the whole time,
you big goof.
Holy cow.
I almost killed
my own daughter.
I'm a monster.
(ALL CHEERING)
(CRACKLING)
Bingo.
BOB: Well, what do you know,
it wasn't an alien spaceship.
It was the water tower.
As the whole wild affair
is exposed
as a ridiculous hoax,
I can assure you
that Douglas Cain
is a big pompous windbag.
Let's all go home
and get some sleep.
What do you say?
ARNOLD:
I'm glad everything
worked out, Grandpa.
I'll never do a prank
like that again.
Oh, what are you
talking about?
You terrified the entire city
and nearly caused
the end of the world.
Oh, oh.
I'm proud of you, boy.
Proud.
Here, have some candy.
Ooh, these are cockroaches.
GRANDMA: Happy Halloween,
everybody. (LAUGHS)
(MUSIC PLAYING)