Hot In Cleveland s02e07 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Okay, sit.
You'll only get the treat if you sit.
So sit.
Now I have to sit.
Oh, who's this guy? Where did he come from? He's the oldest dog at the shelter where I volunteer.
Oh, I love rescue dogs.
They're so grateful and happy.
I wish there were rescue men.
He'll never get adopted unless he learns a cute trick or two.
Well, I see he's mastered the art of licking himself.
Thank God men can't do that.
It's hard enough to get 'em away from the TV.
You see why the staff calls him Dummy.
Oh, he'll be fine.
I have the gift with animals.
I call it "the gift.
" I know how they feel, I know what they think.
What's he thinking now? What we're all thinking Why doesn't Joy dress her age? Good morning, all.
I have an announcement to make.
I'm going to make a sex tape, and you're all going to help.
We begin after coffee.
Oh, and who is this handsome fellow? What are you talking about? Well, surely I'm not the only one in the room who sees a dog.
He's visiting from the shelter.
Now back to us supposedly helping you with a sex tape.
Yes.
Well, as you all know, I am on the verge of financial ruin, and my agent said that a leaked sex tape could generate enough media buzz to really jumpstart my career.
Okay.
So who's the lucky guy? Actually, my agent said that the new trend in leaked sex tapes is girl on girl, and I said, well, I know just the girl.
Don't look at me! Or me.
I'm fighting the I.
N.
S.
Just to stay in this country.
A sex tape is the last thing I need popping up on my Google search.
Well, I was thinking of Melanie.
Me? I've never even done it near a mirror.
Wait.
Did you not ask me because I'm not stacked enough? Oh, Joy, don't hate me.
Hate the Internet perverts who run Hollywood.
And I knew you would say no.
How come you didn't know I'd say no? Well, I did, but it's just so much easier to wear you down.
Not this time.
Oh, come on.
It's not like we're really gonna do anything.
I mean, there won't be any touching or nudity.
That's some sex tape.
All right, I admit I'm a little outside of my area of expertise.
I mean, I've never made a sex tape.
I don't even understand them.
Well, you see, when two people love each other very much, they get a camera and Wait.
When would you even watch it? After Dexter.
The only reason I'd make a sex tape would be as a teaching tool.
You know, get one of those little laser pointers.
"More of this, less of that.
"Whoa, slow down there, cowboy.
" Oh, come on, Mel.
We're friends.
You know, we do things for each other.
Yes, for each other, not to each other.
But you asked me to buy you stamps.
Really? You're comparing buying stamps with making a sex tape? No, no, you're right.
I mean, buying stamps is so much worse.
I have to go to the Post Office.
You just have to go upstairs.
Okay, no.
No, not in a million years.
No, never.
I am loving the passion.
You know, my therapist doesn't believe me when I tell him these stories.
What's that, dear? Dummy says he thinks you're too far gone for therapy.
Well, then good-bye, old, useless dummy.
and your dog.
Oh, perfect! Is it too much to ask for coffee lids that fit coffee cups? Tell me about it.
The place downstairs, right? And the lines are so long everyone with their complicated drink orders now.
This morning, I'm in line for 20 minutes and the woman in front of me finally gets to the counter and the guy says, "what can I get you?" And she says, "let me think.
" I mean, what was she thinking about for the last 20 minutes? At least your guy said, "what can I get you?" Mine said, "what can I do you for?" I hate that.
People are so annoying.
People are the worst.
- Hi, I'm Joy.
- I'm Gordon.
I'm sorry, but what time is your appointment? It's 12:00.
Mine must be 1:00.
I hate bloody daylight savings time.
Me, too.
It's like jet lag, but you don't get to go anywhere.
That would make a good tweet.
- I hate Twitter.
- Me, too! Okay, I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Recycling.
Hate it.
I mean, I do it, but it's so annoying.
It's like high-maintenance garbage.
You know, I know why I'm here, but I don't see how a beautiful woman like you could possibly need a therapist.
I would think you could just solve your problems by looking in the mirror.
Unless your problem's Narcissism.
So why are you seeing Dr.
Morgan? I'm sorry, but I don't know you that well.
That's true.
I could be some kind of violent psychopath in need of serious treatment.
Are you? No.
You? - Joy? - No.
- What? - I'm sorry.
I was answering his question.
No, I'm not a psychopath.
Right, Dr.
Morgan? You know I can't talk about specifics in front of patients.
Yes, but you can say that much, can't you? "She's not a psychopath.
" I'm giving you permission.
Joy, isn't your appointment an hour from now? Let's talk about it then, okay? Okay.
But I'm not a psychopath.
Gordon? I'll see you in an hour? See you in an hour.
You know what, I'm gonna double up next week.
I'd rather spend the next hour with you.
You like Mexican food? - Hate it.
- Me, too.
Oh! It's chilly in here.
I'll either have to get my sweater or knit faster.
I'll turn up the thermostat as soon as I finish these bills.
And I'm out of stamps.
Who do you have to sleep with in this place to get stamps? Oh, yeah Victoria.
Oh, here's my sweater right here.
Oh, poor Dummy.
The only thing he can do is shed.
I just met the greatest guy.
Oh, congratulations.
Where? At my therapist's office.
Oh, a more cautious congratulations.
No, no, it's okay.
I mean, obviously, he's screwed up, but we had such a connection.
There's a chance we are screwed up in completely complimentary ways.
What's he like? Well, that's what we're about to find out.
What are all those files? When Dr.
Morgan left to take a phone call, I noticed Gordon's files on his desk, so let's divide them up and look for red flags.
All right.
You stole his files? Isn't that a little unethical? I know, and I wouldn't have done it, but I might be deported in a month, and I don't have two years to get to know him to see if he's marriage material or not.
Well, I think it's brilliant.
I wish I'd seen my third ex-husband's files before we got married.
Although, I suppose he could have hid his being gay even from his therapist.
He was president of the Victoria Chase Fan Club.
I don't think he was hiding it from anyone.
The fan club hasn't been the same since we lost him.
This person's a psycho! That's my file! You stole your file, too? Wouldn't you? Well, yeah, I would, yeah.
Oh, this is great.
It says Gordon likes assertive women.
I'm assertive.
I stole these files.
Ooh, it says he's ready to get married soon, so no commitment issues.
And here are his sex fantasies.
Oh, look, a particular favorite of yours, I believe.
Yes! I won't even need a laser pointer.
Oh, and he also has the standard girl-on-girl fantasies that everyone loves.
Not everyone.
Oh.
He hates walks on the beach, too.
Again, this is all about my career.
I mean, the sex is just simulation.
It's only my desperation that's real.
Uh-oh.
This says Gordon has Oh, please, don't say peanut allergy.
That just freaks me out.
They eat the wrong thing, their head swells up like a basketball, and there goes your evening.
No, he has a heightened fear of being spied on or watched.
That's all? Don't you see? We're doing what he fears most.
We're making his nightmares come true.
Hey, I'm in your file.
P.
S.
Right back at ya.
Oh, that must be Jasmine Breeze.
Who? Well, when you wouldn't co-star in my fake sex tape, I hired a professional.
You hired a hooker? She comes from a very classy escort service.
You can tell because the a-s-s in "classy" is capitalized.
All right, all you have to do is hold the camera.
Here's the power button, and there's the zoom, and Oh, although it's high-def, so, you know, don't zoom.
You want a cup of tea? I'm good.
You know, um, while we're waiting, I'm just I've been wondering something.
See, I'm out in the dating world again after a very long marriage, and, um, well, you would know, what is it that guys are really looking for these days? Well, it's more what you say than what you do.
Oh.
But you still gotta do it, too.
Right, got it.
You know, they say the most erotic organ is the brain.
Yeah, I get a lot of requests for the brain.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I was just putting the finishing touches - on the script.
- Script? Uh "I can't believe I'm making love "to Daytime Emmy-winner Victoria Chase.
" Do people really talk about your awards when they're in bed with you? Well, they do if they're smart.
Wait.
Script, camera, uh I get paid extra for being a porn star.
Now, wait a minute.
Why is everyone in porn a "star"? Are there no porn character actors? Look, Jasmine Breeze, I don't have any more money.
Now, this video is gonna get me work, and when I get paid, I promise that I'll pay you.
Promise? Promises don't pay my tuition to Law school.
You're in Law school? Well, I didn't have the grades for Dental school.
No video unless you pay double.
You know what? Just go.
And rest assured, I would have acted your ass off.
I get paid extra for that, too.
Well, this is awkward.
No.
My problem with modern art is that if I could do it, it just doesn't seem like art to me.
Mm-hmm.
I probably shouldn't have insulted that one piece so loudly in that echoing lobby.
Well, how could you know the artist was standing right behind us? And I suppose that third-grade class was going to learn those words eventually, right? Look, I know we've only been dating for a couple of weeks, but there's something I'd really like to ask you.
Yes.
You can eat the french fries off my plate.
Thank you.
Mmm.
This is a real sense memory.
You know, I was a chubby kid, so my parents wouldn't let me order them.
But my sister would let me eat hers off of her plate.
I really loved her for that.
What a lucky thing I ordered them then.
You know me so well.
It's like we met in a past life or something.
I mean, we have cut through months of that getting to know you business, and we're connecting on the big stuff.
This feels really right, doesn't it? It does.
I love an assertive woman.
- I know.
- Hmm? Now.
Because you just said it.
Kiss me again.
Well, I suppose I could get publicity the old-fashioned way shoplifting.
Well, Winona Ryder got a lot of press.
Seriously? Breaking the law? Aw, you're right.
I'd just look like a copycat.
Ooh, you could punch out a paparazzi.
If we had paparazzi around then I wouldn't need the attention.
Melanie, where is your head? Having Tom Brady's baby might be fun.
Now you're thinking.
Hey, how was your date with Gordon? Wonderful.
Uh-oh, what's wrong? Here.
Tell us all about it.
I really, really like this guy, and not just from his files, but for who he really is.
So I've decided I have to be completely honest with him.
You're gonna tell him that you took his file? Oh, God, no, he'll never know that, or my real birthday.
No, I need to tell him I might be deported soon, and I'm scared of what his reaction might be.
He's gonna be crushed.
Yeah, just like we are.
Yeah, but what if he's not? What of he says, "Oh, that's too bad, "it's been fun," instead of my secret crazy wish where he says, "let's get married "and get you a green card "and work this all out"? Well, maybe you should ask your therapist how to tell him.
Or better yet, tell Gordon at the therapist's office.
That way if he dumps me, at least I'll have somewhere to cry for an hour.
I was looking for Dummy.
What's going on here? Oh, we're just all feeling a little sad.
All right, already, I'll do your sex tape.
Oh, God! Really? Don't worry about it.
I brought two.
Hey.
And they're not made of paper, so we don't have to recycle.
Joy, did I get the time wrong this time? No.
I knew you'd be here, and There's something I need to tell you.
Okay.
Well, it's not definite but I'm having problems with my green card.
And there's a good chance I might be deported very soon.
Oh.
Wow.
Well, we can't let that happen.
I mean, I don't want that to happen.
I'm so relieved you said that.
You could stay, right? if someone married you, like in those movies.
Oh, I hate those movies, but I would do that.
I hate those movies, too, but I would let you do it.
I mean, we hate too many of the same things not to stay together.
- Cirque du Soleil.
- Jazz.
- Flying.
- Flying? Oh, yeah, didn't I tell you that? Deathly afraid, can't get on a plane.
That wasn't in your files.
I went from "I love you" to a restraining order in under ten minutes.
On the plus side, that's a personal best for me.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
Oh, so am I.
I swear, I haven't felt this hurt since Kyle stood me up at the altar.
I know it doesn't make any sense.
I've only known Gordon for a few weeks.
I wonder what Dr.
Morgan would say if he were still speaking to me.
He'd say you're finally letting your intimacy barriers down.
And allowing yourself to feel pain? It's a real step forward in dealing with your abandonment issues.
Mmm, it has been a recurring theme in your last ten sessions.
You all read my file.
Wouldn't you? Yes.
And maybe you're right.
Maybe I have made a little emotional progress.
I guess I should be happy I'm so miserable.
Oh ho ho.
Dummy says he feels bad for you.
What's that, Dummy? There's a pitcher of margaritas trapped in the fridge? Well, floozies, Dummy has a home right here.
Oh, yay! - That's wonderful.
- Yay! And look how happy he is.
Well, we finally have a man in the house.
And he's big and hairy like a Cleveland man.
And frightened of the thunder like an L.
A.
man.
Even if he can't do anything else, he made me feel better.
Maybe he can console us when one of us loses a man.
Oh, get your rest, Dummy.
Ooh.
Oh, my agent says to hold off on the sex tape.
There might be an opening on Celebrity Rehab.
Oh, they just want to figure out which addiction is gonna get me the most camera time.
How come I can't restart my career? And how come I can't hang onto a man? And how come every time I drink margaritas, I feel like I could have sex with anyone? Now you tell me?