Human Resources (2022) s02e07 Episode Script

1
[playful music playing]
[Dina hums]
Tony, it's Waffle Wednesday.
Your favorite.
- Eh, I'm not hungry.
- [gasps] Honey, why so blue?
I don't know, Dina.
I think I lost my mojo.
I haven't given a creature
a cold in weeks.
Hey, we all get in a slump sometimes.
But remember how good you feel
when you get creatures sick?
Last time I checked,
nothing gets your germ dick harder.
- Dina! The kids will hear.
- [chuckles]
- They can watch for all I freakin' care.
- [door opens]
- Daddy!
- Speak of the little devils.
Look what we drew.
[germ girl] He's got fever and diarrhea.
- That's because of you.
- Now, off to work.
And, hey, if you get 'em real sick,
I'll have a big, wet slice of Dina pie
waiting for you.
[chuckling] Oh, I do love wife pie
before dinner.
- No fair! We want Mommy's pie.
- Yeah.
Mwah. Mwah. When you're older.
- [chuckles] All right. Bye, everyone.
- Bye, Daddy.
"My lawyers will be in touch."
"Sincerely, comma,
your son, comma, Joe Franklin."
Here goes.
Fingers crossed
he touches his face very soon.
[gasps] Oh, good! He's gross.
Holy cannoli, I'm in the nose!
[sneezes]
- Bless you.
- Aw, shoot. Am I getting a cold?
Looks that way. Hi, I'm Tony.
Oh, hi. I'm Joe, uh
Should I go home?
I don't wanna spread a cold around.
Right. Good call. But maybe
you should get a cup of tea first?
[coughs]
Yeah. I-I guess that should be fine,
as long as I don't make out with anybody.
There's my Morning Joe.
Get over here, bubby.
Where's my breakfast kiss, huh?
Oh. Hey, buddy. No breakfast kiss today.
I-I think I'm really coming down
with something.
Eh, I'm not worried about that shit, pal.
I never get sick, okay?
Come on. French me, I dare you.
No way he's gonna kiss him, right?
- Okay.
- Oh my God, he is!
- [kissing, moaning]
- Oh, more tongue, Joe. More tongue.
[groans] It hurts. Every time.
Dina, I'm doing it! I'm multiplying!
- Who's Dina?
- She's our wife, and you love her.
- Good luck out there.
- Likewise.
[Joe] Mmm.
See? Told you. I'm freakin' invinci
[coughs]
Oh God, I'm sick.
I'm gonna sneeze all over these donuts.
- No, no, don't! Sneeze anywhere else.
- [wheezing]
I can't control where.
- It's a reflex. It's already happening.
- No, Gil.
- Come on! What?
- Aaaa-choo!
- Woo-hoo!
- We're an office cold!
Ho-ho! We're all gonna bang
our wife tonight.
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- That's just the way you make me feel ♪
A-ha
So good, so good, so fuckin' real ♪
- So good, so good, so fuckin' real ♪
- A-ha ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
It's like I'm powerful
With a little bit of tender ♪
An emotional, sexual bender ♪
Mess me up, yeah
But no one does it better ♪
There's nothing better ♪
That's just the way you make me feel ♪
- [employees coughing]
- If you're sick, go home.
- Don't be a hero.
- Oh, God.
[sneezes]
Cannonball!
- [coughing continues]
- Ugh! [grunts, coughs]
Oh, shit. Am I getting a cold?
My throat's all scritchy-scratchy.
[sneezes]
Connie, you sound sick.
Why don't you come back to my place,
and I can take care of you.
Eh, that's okay. I'll be fine.
Oh, come on! I'll make you
some monster-ball soup.
Really? Homemade? Like from s-crotch?
Only the best for my baby.
I'm not your baby.
But my brain hurts,
and my joints are throbbin'.
- Take me home and nurture me.
- Yay!
There, there. Get all cozy-wozy
in Maury's beddie-weddie.
It is pretty nice and warm.
- Yeah, that's right.
- [coughs]
- 'Cause I pee-peed the bed for you.
- [coughs]
Oh, listen to that cough.
[chuckling] I really got in there.
Do you want a spready and a tucky?
Uh, I'm a little gross
for sex stuff right now, Maury.
[chuckles] No, silly. A spready
- [grunts]
- Oh!
and a tucky.
A tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck.
Oh, shit. I'm snug as a bug in a carpet.
Now let me give you
some backie scratchies.
That's okay.
I really don't like to be fussed over.
- Oh, Lord.
- You like that, don't you?
Yeah. I need you, Maury.
You You need me?
I do. I need you
to take care of baby Connie.
Oh, you're so vulnerable and helpless.
[coughs]
More backie scratchies please.
Oh, shit. I hope you never get well.
[both] What's that?
I said, uh, "Get some rest, pumpkin."
[chuckles]
I'm gonna start the soup,
so if you need me,
I'll be squatting over a pot on the stove.
A little more of that.
Oh, that'll take her out.
[Connie] Mmm!
Smells funky in here, Maury.
Connie! What What are you doing up?
- I'm actually feeling a little better.
- No!
- What?
- I meant, uh, no, please, have some soup.
I really put my balls into this batch.
Oh, thanks, but I'm not super hungry.
Come on.
Just have a little taste for Daddy.
Oh, I'm okay for now. Thank you, baby.
Just open your goddamn mouth.
- What?
- I-I just mean
[sighs] Connie, I know you're a strong,
independent monstress
I am.
But you deserve to be taken care of
every once in a while.
And it would mean a lot to me, Maury,
if you'd just relax and have some soup.
Oh, you're right. I'm sorry.
[sighs] Let me just take a little slurp.
- Yeah. There you go.
- [blowing]
[slurps] Oh!
Hey, this does taste yumm
[Connie grunts]
- What the fuck?
- Wakey wakey, Madame Sleepyhead.
[Connie] Maury, what the hell did you do?
I gave you a super spready-tucky,
just the way you like it.
[grunts] This tucky is too tight!
And don't be alarmed,
but he also seems to have dressed you up
like Toddlers and Tiaras?
Ahh! I look like
Designing Woman Delta Burke.
Yeah, I did you up pretty.
Don't you like it?
- Ugh, that's disturbing.
- You gotta help me, germ boy.
Hmm Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
I got a way to help us both. Big sneeze.
[sneezes]
What? How is that gonna
- [sneezes]
- [gasps]
- Tony, you're a genius.
- [coughs]
- Oh no, Maury. Something wrong?
- [coughs]
It's just a little sniffle.
[coughs] Nothing serious.
No, no, no, you're getting a cold.
- You need to let me take care of you.
- [ominous music plays]
Now just loosen my tucky a little,
and get into bed with me.
Yeah, no. You need your tucky,
so you can rest in your place.
But it's your turn to be babied, baby.
Oh, fuck. Okay, yeah. Whatever you want.
Kiss me, my girl, before I am sick.
Yeah, sure. Whatever, Daniel Dave-Lewis.
[Maury] Oh!
[groans]
What? [laughs]
I'm in a super tucky now.
[in sing-song] Connie,
I'm ready for my poison soup.
Fuck that!
You're off your fuckin' rocker, Maury.
And you're bad at doing makeup.
[gasps] You take that back.
I spent four hours on your face.
I was out for four hours?!
No, way longer. For a second there,
I thought you weren't gonna wake up.
Fuckin' crazy-ass lunatic!
Connie, wait. I had to poison you
so you would need me.
Welp, guess it's just the two of us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do me up nice and pretty. [coughs]
[coughs]
Are you sick, Petra?
If you're sick, you gotta go home.
Relax, it's just allergies.
I am not "just allergies."
That is offensive, ma'am.
Well, whatever you are,
I'm gonna destroy your ass
if it's the last thing I do.
[slurps, gargles]
- [snorts]
- Oh no!
Not ginseng and vitamin C.
That's the secret combination.
That's right, motherfucker!
I feel better already.
Only the weak get sick.
A cocky denier,
roaming free and touching things?
Mwah! [chuckling] This day
just keeps getting better and better.
- [fast-paced orchestral music playing]
- [coughs]
[sneezes]
[buzzes]
- What up, Kitty?
- [grunts]
[clears throat]
[germs laugh]
[coughs]
Whoo!
[coughs]
Uh-uh-uh!
I've got shit in here
you do not wanna come
face-to-face with. [chuckles]
- [shrieking]
- Oh my God! Thanks for the heads-up.
Ooh, Petra, you don't look so hot.
Stay away from me, girl.
I am way too busy to be sick.
Oh, fuck off, Hope. You don't [coughs]
You don't do shit.
Whoo! My slump is over, baby!
Mmm! I can taste that wife pie now.
Hey, Van. I just wanna say fuck you
for getting me fired from Sarah's team.
[coughs]
And as I'm screaming at you,
I can tell you're really sick,
but I'm just gonna keep going,
because I chose my tone
before I even got here.
Emmy, I feel like shit. I'm going home.
- But I'm worried about Sarah.
- Ugh.
I mean, without me,
she's gonna shut everyone out,
just like you shut everyone out.
Well, I'm shutting you out right now
because you're annoying.
- What is the matter with you?
- [coughs]
Why are you like this? [screams]
How do you get yours so square?
Yours is, like, seriously goals.
Van is a fucking bitch,
and I'm fucking pissed. Hello.
- Oh. Do you wanna hate on her?
- I do.
Girl, you have come
to the right place. Pop off.
- First, she got me fired
- Irredeemable bitch.
- Right?
- Hate her.
Then I try to talk to her,
and she's, like, fully mean for no reason.
- She thinks she's so cool.
- Cool? Her name is Van.
Bitch, was the other option Station Wagon?
[laughs]
She strings me along for weeks
without so much as grazing my vagina.
Yikes.
Also, being an alcoholic "party girl"
is not a personality. I should know.
And all that drinking shows.
Bitch's skin is crackin'.
Face lookin' like a suburban sidewalk.
Also, someone has to say it
Drag her ass
back from whence she came, Emmy.
Her forehead? Too. Big.
[laughs]
[both] Fuck her.
Hate feels so good.
I know, right? Look around.
We are thriving.
And, wait, none of you are even sick.
Ja, ja, none of us are even sick.
How is that even possible?
U-Upstairs, everyone is sick.
[sneezes]
- Oh, shit.
- Uh-oh.
Anthony, we have another sickie.
- [ominous music playing]
- [breathes heavily]
- God, no. Please! Please!
- [breathes heavily]
[Emmy] Uh, what is he doing?
Oh, girl, that's just Anthony Piñata.
He's our office popper.
- [employee whimpers]
- "Popper"? What does that mean?
Why is he squeezing him so hard?
His eyes are bulging out.
I'd close your mouth if I were you.
[screams]
Ahh! [spits, coughs]
- Tried to tell you.
- Rochelle, what the actual fuck?
- Ugh!
- You were wondering why no one's sick.
Anthony Piñata
just pops anyone who gets infected.
Stop the spread, baby. Stop the spread.
Oh, God. Can you get a cold
from brains in your mouth? [sneezes]
- Huh, guess you can get me from brains.
- Oh, shit.
[breathes heavily]
Emmy, run!
[screams]
[ominous music playing]
[gasps]
[in slow-motion] No! Emmy!
[gasps]
[panting]
[Anthony sighs]
[gasps] No, Anthony Piñata, please.
I don't wanna get popped. Please!
[Rochelle whimpers]
[sneezes]
Oh, what happens when that happens?
[sighs]
[ethereal music playing]
[grunts]
Good Lord.
- Oh!
- [thuds]
Wow. Anthony Piñata,
you are dedicated to your job.
[screams]
[crying] Eww!
Jesus Christ.
Every time I go to the Hate Department,
I end up covered in guts.
[employees moaning]
Noodle my hole, Spaghetti Man.
[moaning]
- [Mazola] Bellissima!
- Shit! Sorry, Mona. [sneezes]
- Hoo! Oh, right into the whoopee!
- [Mona moans]
I'm gonna cream soon.
Yes, Pasta Daddy. Mommy's hungee. [growls]
[Tony] Ohh!
- Cacio e pepe!
- [Mona screams]
[hums]
[coughs]
Shit. Am I sick?
- Seems like it.
- Oh, this is bad.
Mona, if you're sick, go home.
Don't be daft, Grace. I'm a sex maniac.
If I leave, I'll fuck 20 creatures sick
by the time I get home.
- We need the box.
- [dramatic music playing]
- Really? The fucking box?
- Uh, what's the box?
You could just learn
to control yourself, Mona.
Oh, fuck you! Hurry up!
I'm almost horny again.
No, seriously, guys, what's the box?
Um, Grace, I have to admit,
I-I'm a little scared.
- Sure. You'd be crazy if you weren't.
- I'm I'm sorry. What?
When she's gone
more than 15, 20 minutes without sex,
she gets intense.
- Wait, what do you mean, "intense"?
- Here's your tranq gun.
If you don't think you can get her,
I would use it on yourself.
[gasps]
You can do this.
- [breathes heavily]
- Hello, Jose.
Hello, Mona. [whimpers]
Um, I'm supposed to ask you
to put your hands behind your head
[chuckling] while I slide your food in.
- I don't know. Just please do it.
- Of course, darling.
- Ahh!
- [yelps]
[laughs]
Let me out, Jose.
I'll make it
[sniffles]
worth your while.
- With all due respect, no, thank you.
- [screeching]
Okay, then let me out
or I'll fucking kill you.
No. I'm just supposed to watch you
till your cold passes.
That's my job.
Fuck this. Get me out of here,
somebody, please.
- [thud]
- [grunts] Ooh! Ow!
- I hope you're happy, Jose.
- Oh, I'm not. I'm not happy at all.
What is that? Why do you line
all your dildos up like that?
- [sighs] It's chess.
- Teach me.
You wouldn't like it.
There's no fluid transfer.
Please, Jose, it's got dildos in it.
For God's sake.
I need something to distract me
from all the sex I'm not having.
- I don't know.
- I'll be good, I promise.
[sighs] Okay, fine. I'll teach you.
Oh, well, okay, we're starting right away.
So, that's a bishop.
And we can only move that diagonally.
[gasps] It also seems to go up and down.
Up and down. [moans]
[scoffs] You know what?
Just Just forget it. Forget it.
No, no, I'm sorry. Please teach me.
[deep breath]
[Jose] Okay. Let's continue.
In chess, it's never about the next move.
It's about the next six moves.
This is called a pawn, and this is a rook.
[orchestral music playing]
- No!
- Uh-uh-uh.
- Good job, Mona.
- Oh, it's such a mindfuck!
[grunts]
[snores]
[Jose giggles] Look at that. Checkmate.
Oh, yes.
Oh, wow, Mona,
you didn't pull me through the hole
and fuck me to death.
I didn't. I guess I just want
to play chess with you. [gasps]
If you continue like this,
you you, my dear,
could be one of the greats, you know?
Without sex on the brain,
I have such clarity.
I can see the board in every dimension.
- [gentle music playing]
- Oh, Jose, this is sublime.
[exhales] Um
Well, good night, Mona.
Good night, Jose.
Okay, this is very touching.
[crowing]
- Hello, darling.
- Oh.
I see you're you're not sick anymore.
No, Jose. I suppose I'm not.
But you could still play chess, right?
[chuckles] I mean, you have a gift.
Just because you can have sex now,
doesn't mean you can't play chess, right?
Shh. That's exactly
what it means, you fool.
- [gentle music playing]
- [beeping]
[sighs]
[sighs] Oh, what could have been.
- [whoosh]
- Mm.
[thuds]
[coughs, sniffles]
- [computer chimes]
- Last-minute meeting? [coughs]
Shit. I feel like my lungs
are full of hairy snot.
But you're not gonna stop working, right?
What? Of course not.
Sick days are for kindergarteners.
[coughs] All right. Come on, Petra.
Okay, okay, here she comes.
Here she comes. Action!
Wow!
- What work we have.
- Work is what we are currently doing.
Hmm, something is off here.
Ooh, a 5-hour Energy!
- Cocaine junior.
- Uh
[suspenseful music playing]
- Wait. No, no, no! It's a trap!
- Ahh!
- You sons of bitches!
- Gnaw your foot off and wriggle away.
- [grunts]
- [Walter] Uh-uh.
Easy now, girl. We had to.
You're infecting everyone in the office.
Walter, when I'm through with you,
you'll be begging me
to let you kill yourself.
Ahh! That was
an unnecessary escalation, Petra.
- [Petra grunts]
- [phone chimes]
"Your Brother PTH107B Label Maker
has been delivered."
Oh my God!
The premier label-making experience
is sitting on my doorstep.
And a day early.
Oh, what I wouldn't give
to be home right now,
labeling my belongings,
organizing, categorizing
[Petra] I will fuck you up
come Tuesday, Grace.
You know the rules.
Anyone who's sick has to go home.
Huh Anybody who's sick has to go home.
Well, I do feel a little feverish
with anticipation.
[fake cough]
Oh, rats. I seem to have come down
with the thing everybody is getting.
- Heading out, Pete?
- [coughs]
Oh, yes, I am very sick. [coughs]
Otherwise, you know, I'd stay here
because work hours are for work.
Indeed. Well, do let me know
if you need a cuddle buddy.
Uh, okay.
[Petra] I'm free!
Fuck Grace forever. [grunts]
Goddamn you. Get off of me!
[sneezes]
- Oh, dear, right in the mouth!
- [Petra kicking]
[coughs]
[sneezes, clears throat, sighs]
- [romantic music playing]
- Hello, gorgeous.
I really shouldn't be here right now,
but you tempted me, didn't you?
I am going to open you up nice and slow.
Hoo-hoo!
They packed you so tight.
[gasps] You're even more beautiful
than your picture.
[beeps]
I hope you had a nice rest on my porch,
'cause I am gonna put you to work.
Where no one's ever gone before ♪
And if you want more, if you want more ♪
- I know what you want.
- More, more ♪
- Oh, you want one too?
- Then jump ♪
- For my love ♪
- Shhh.
- Jump in ♪
- Refrigerator.
- And feel my touch ♪
- Flour.
Jump if you want to taste
My kisses in the night ♪
- Lamp.
- Then jump for my love ♪
- Nipple one. Nip two.
- I know my heart can make you happy ♪
- Jump in ♪
- [beeping]
No! No!
There must be more tape.
There must be. [sighs]
Why didn't you order refills,
you son of a bitch?
[intriguing music playing]
Jackpot! OfficeMax may be closed,
but I am not gonna let my baby go hungry.
- Mwah! [gasps]
- Well, now I've seen it all.
Uh, uh, no! [nervous chuckle]
It's not what it looks like.
Really, Pete? Really? [sniffles]
Because it looks like
you lied about being sick
and are now pilfering office supplies.
[blows nose]
You're right. I feel disgusting.
As you should.
You're a malingerer and a thief. [coughs]
I'm a bad Rock
and I deserve to get sick for real.
- Give me your germs, Lionel.
- Really?
Okay, here goes.
- Mwah!
- Gah! Jesus, man!
I meant give me your coffee cup.
I-I just thought
You said give me your germs.
I thought you were flirting.
I absolutely was not.
You workplace-harassed me.
- Oh, uh, please don't tell.
- [scoffs] Just give me that.
This is amazing.
People are asking to get me now.
[sneezes]
- [groans]
- How you doin', Van?
- 'Cause I am having one heck of a day.
- Ugh.
- I feel like shit.
- Oh, because of what Emmy said to you?
What? No. I I didn't even hear
what Emmy said to me.
She said you're the queen
of shutting people out. Is that true?
Ugh, just leave me alone.
- Hi, Van.
- [gasps grunts]
- What the fuck?
- Oh, who's this?
I'm one of her first clients.
You must have cared about me, right?
Oh, are you trapped alone
with your demons?
That's my favorite kind of sick.
Both of you, just fuck off. [groans]
- Hey, Van.
- Ah! Jesus!
God, we had so much fun together
till I went blind and died
from drinking bad moonshine.
Why are you guys here?
I thought you cared about me.
Did you not care about me either?
No, you're just a client.
I've had, like, a million clients.
Was I just a client to you?
- I thought we had something special.
- [grunts] Stop.
- Just stop it.
- You know ghosts can go through walls?
Why don't you care about me?
- Why don't you care about me?
- Why don't you care about any of us?
Of course I care about you.
I just wish I didn't.
- Why?
- Why?
- Why?
- What did we do?
You all died, okay? You died.
And I don't wanna think about that.
You're just like
You're like fucking goldfish.
You're here one day
and you're gone the next,
just flushed down the toilet,
and it's awful.
It's not awful. The briefness
of human life is what makes it beautiful.
I don't know, man. I died young.
The point is, Van,
you don't need to feel bad
for the goldfish.
- We're okay.
- Again, I'm pretty pissed.
But it's not your fault, Van.
You don't have to be sad.
I'm not sad. I'm fucking angry.
I have to lose every single one of you.
You just go and go and go
and leave me behind every time.
Oh my God, Van.
Aww. You have to live forever,
and then watch all of us die.
- That must suck.
- I think we need a group hug.
- No! No, no. I don't like to be hugged.
- Come on.
I'm so sorry. Sh-Should I be in the hug?
Get off me, all of you.
Okay, you know, I'm just gonna hop in.
Maybe it's weird if I'm not.
No. Stop! Ahh!
I need space! I need space!
[Van screams]
[panting]
Wow, Emmy was right.
You really do shut everyone out.
You can't even accept a hug
in your dreams.
Please, Tony, just leave me alone.
- Oh, okay. Sorry.
- [Van groans]
[Petra grunts]
My home life sucks!
I miss my computer.
Ah! To heck with Grace.
She can't tell you what to do.
If you wanna go to the office, girl,
you go to the office, okay?
What the hell's going on around here?
It's only 10:45.
What a bunch of lazy assholes.
Totally. Ooh, let's go lick
all their phones.
What the heck is that down there?
- Oh, it's you.
- [coughs]
Were you going crazy
stuck at home too?
God, no. Girl, I wish I could take a day.
But it's a total clusterfuck
down there on Earth.
Oh, you mean with the wars,
and the terrifying rise
of authoritarian populism?
They're also ruining the planet.
They're fucked.
Well, it's my job
to make them think they're not.
- Oof. That's a hard job.
- [coughs]
You got that right.
You know, Hope, it pains me to say this,
I mean, like, seriously, but
maybe you work harder
than I give you credit for.
Petra, girl, you're going soft on me.
[chuckles]
Uh, no. That's the cold talking.
Wow. What a great day.
Got my numbers up, made some friends,
and progressed some storylines. [chuckles]
- Oop! Time for dinner.
- [rings bell]
- [sneezes]
- Yahoo!
Goddamn it. Right on the keyboard.
[playful music playing]
[both] Daddy's home!
There he is. How was your day, sweetie?
Honestly? Great. You were right.
I got so many creatures sick,
and I think I taught 'em a few things.
See? That's my Tony. I'm so proud of you.
Dinner's almost ready, by the way.
And my Dina pie's
been cooking all afternoon.
I've been thinking about it
all day. [chuckles]
- We sure are lucky, aren't we?
- You know it.
Dina, I'm gonna go get cleaned up,
and then, the rest of our lives.
[whistles]
[Tony sighs]
[alarm blaring]
No.
- [whimpers] No!
- [dramatic music playing]
[boom]
I love you!
[rumbling]
No!
Fuck you, Tony.
I hope I killed your whole fucking family.
Let me clear my throat ♪
Oh! ♪
Have mercy, babe, ha! ♪
I hope ya don't mind ♪
Let me clear my throat ♪
Get your hands in the air, let's go! ♪
Get your hands in the air, let's go! ♪
It goes a little something like this ♪
- Ah huh ah huh ah ♪
- Goddamn ♪
If y'all wanna party like we do ♪
If y'all wanna party like us ♪
Lemme hear ya say
Ah ah ah ah ah ♪
Ah ah ah ah ah ♪
If y'all wanna party like we do ♪
If y'all wanna party like us ♪
Lemme hear ya say
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪
Now when I say uh, you say ah ♪
- Uh! ♪
- Ah! ♪
- Uh! ♪
- Ah! ♪
Now when I say hey, you say ha
Hey! ♪