Ideal (2005) s02e07 Episode Script

Oh, Jesus! Me head's full of wasps.
- All right, Judith.
What are you doing here? - I was worried about you.
Didn't want to leave.
-Are you all right? -I think so.
Them mushrooms were way too strong.
I tried easing myself down with some red wine.
And cider.
Oh, and sake.
After that is a blur.
In fact, before that it were a blur.
Well, the last guest left, and I suggested we tidy up a bit.
-and then you just collapsed.
-It's an old army trick.
You were completely unconscious.
Barely breathing.
I was worried about you.
Your skin was very cold to the touch.
Was it? Eh? Bet that were a right turn on for you.
Surprised you didn't try to take advantage of us.
Bloody hell, Judith! So, how was it for you? How do I compare to a dead man? You were fantastic, Moz.
-You're so heavy and immobile.
-Well, they are amongst me best qualities.
- It won't happen again.
- Hey, hang on.
Lets not panic.
I don't mind, honest.
It's just if you ever do it again, -will you promise me one thing? - Okay.
Will you videotape it for us? So that at least I can enjoy it later.
- It might make me overly self-conscious.
- It's alright.
I'll be unconscious, so you can be conscious for the pair of us.
Come on.
Let's go down Arndale later.
We could go halves on a camcorder and some Rohypnol.
Cake? Right, coming to bust you tomorrow morning at 6, which means you and me have got to clear out every last speck of weed and hash.
-Oh, and all your pipes and bongs and all that.
-Me treasured heirlooms? I were gonna hand them down to the next generation.
No, don't worry.
I'll stick them in the storeroom down at the station.
Bring them back on Monday.
I can't believe we're having to do this.
It's not as if I deal smack or crack.
It's only a bit of weed.
I mean, it's a non-addictive drug, for God's sake.
I should know.
I smoke it every day.
So, we meet again.
Only this time, it is you that is the reflection.
Ridicule is nothing to be scared of The name's Bond, James Bond.
And as Dennis Taylor lines up, all he needs is the black.
Ooh, hi-hi.
He's a pygmy with leprosy and a touch of Tourette's.
Isn't he scrummy? It's breaking my heart, is this.
It took me years to collect all this lot.
I were gonna open a museum.
Best get this lot in the van, and then we'll get the White Widow out of the loft.
Aye.
I'll put the kettle on.
Eh, got us a pint of milk and a pack of biskies.
Remember, an army marches on its stomach.
Yeah, well, there's room for an army to march on your stomach, isn't there? Eh? Do I take the mickey out of your funny nostrils? -What's funny about them? -They're all squared-off.
Look like two little letterboxes on your face.
-They don't, do they? -Yeah.
Deal with it.
Well, come on.
Get a wiggle on.
Eat me, you deserve me.
- Are you sure? - Positive.
Didn't hear you come in.
Nearly dropped me five meat supreme.
Eh? Beef, chicken, ham, pepperoni, and liver pate stuffed-crust.
-You all right? -I don't know.
I was out and I was feeling faint.
I just need to sit down.
Come through to the front parlour.
Put your feet up.
It's looking very neat and tidy in here.
What's going on? Turning it into a showhome or what? Yeah.
I'm getting rid of all me hash and me dealing gear.
Really? Why? Making a fresh start? -Yeah, that's the one.
Making a fresh start.
-You are giving up dealing? Yeah.
It's about time I hung up me scales.
I'm about 80 in dealer years.
Are you doing this for me? To get me to move back in? Yeah.
So, do you fancy it? Let me get this straight.
You are giving up dealing and you're gonna get a proper job? Well yeah.
Eventually.
We got to take it step by step.
Don't want too many shocks to me system.
I mean, DSS has a lot to offer a bloke like me.
Dole cheques for a start.
But yeah, once everything's settled down.
I mean, once the baby's born, I'll look for a new job.
This is a bit of a turnaround.
Come back, Nicki.
It's not the same without you.
Before you, me life was going nowhere, and then you come along and - And what? I hitched a ride to nowhere with you? - No.
-You bring out the best in me.
-Well, that doesn't say a great deal, does it? What about the baby? I thought you hated kids.
Well, yeah, but Well, kids are like farts, aren't they? You hate other people's and relish your own.
I love you, Nicki.
I've always loved you.
I'm really looking forward to doing some serious daddying with you.
Best get that.
Trying to run a Trying to run a family home here.
MOZ: All right, hang on.
Aye, aye.
Got your milk, and HobNobs were two-for-one.
Oh, eh? Packet each.
Nicely.
We can have a race.
-I've only got half an hour, so we best crack on.
-We'll clear the loft, then we're done.
-What's up in the loft? -Nowt I think I might have stashed a sixteenth up there.
Best to check.
-You're being very thorough, aren't you? -Yeah, well I want this fresh start to be as fresh as possible.
-You all right, Nicki? -Yeah, you? Yeah, not so bad.
Helping Moz with his spring cleaning.
-Why? -He's a public servant.
-Right.
You make a brew, I'll make a start.
-Aye.
Aye, go on then.
Nicki, I wish you'd come and stay with me.
I'd be able to take you on, you know? Take me on? What am I? Some sort of stray puppy? You You and the baby.
Left it a bit late to mention this, haven't you? Where were you during the morning sickness months? Well, for you, I'd even take promotion.
Besides, I've got into the idea of parenthood.
You know, it's -It's bound to be a doddle.
-Oh, is it? And what is it that you imagine? Me, over at yours, drowning in nappies and bibs while you're over here bonging yourself senseless? No-no, I'll be there for you.
Obviously, I'd have to show me face on the beat occasionally.
Crime don't fight itself.
Apart from inter-gang crime, that fights itself.
Come on, Nic, how about it? What about Moz? -He can look after himself.
-MOZ: (YELLING) Can I have a biscuit? I'll let you go.
Cookie Monster needs you.
There you go, fella.
-How are Triffids? -It's a bloody nightmare.
We need the Changing Rooms team and Ground Force and bloody Carol Vorderman just to be on the safe side.
Here.
Let me have a go.
We've to get these moved without Nicki seeing them.
Why? It's your house, innit? You can do what you want.
Not quite.
She's thinking of moving back in with us.
-You what? -Fingers crossed.
Told her I was giving up dealing.
-You're not, are you? -Well, it's difficult to say.
Should be due some paternity leave.
Could always take a job-share with Psycho Paul.
Right.
Let's get these ladies into the little black dresses.
-Hiya, Nicki.
-Jenny! Oh, congratulations! - Who's this, then? Boy or a girl? - Boy.
-Girl.
-Oh, sorry, yeah.
I meant girl.
- Can I hold her? - Yeah, help yourself.
Oh, Jenny, she's so beautiful.
-What are you gonna call her? -Jenny.
After me.
Aw.
And how was the labour? Oh, agony.
Total agony.
The worst thing is, is dragged on for nearly an hour.
- An hour? Well, that's great! - No, it were awful.
Missed Hollyoaks.
I best get a move on, you know.
There's loads going on down at the station.
What? Do they let you take your own toys in on a Friday? You know we found that fella's body, Craig Dawson, -bringing in half of Manchester for questioning.
-Still, nine months on, you'll not catch the killer.
I mean, you lot, you're not exactly like Silent Witness, are you? Yeah.
We're just like SIlent WItness.
It's state-of-the-art, you know, policing today.
We do fingerprints.
We've got dogs.
-What's up? -Nowt, it's just Look I've got a confession, but Hang on.
I best get me notebook.
They might have found that body in a chippy, but he died here.
Downstairs.
On my couch.
Don't tell me this.
I'm a copper, I don't need to know.
-It weren't my fault.
-I'm not listening.
-I said, ''Take him out clubbing.
'' -(SHOUTING) La la la -Cartoon Head were tripping.
He shot him.
-La la la -Cartoon Head? -It's always the quiet ones, innit? Best pull him in, then.
-You know, this makes you an accessory.
-No, I couldn't stop it.
It happened so fast.
Please, fella, don't accessorise me.
-I don't know, Moz.
-Please.
I've got to be here to look after Nicki and the baby.
Please, you -You wouldn't want to see us in prison, would you? -No.
No, no.
Of course not.
You're gonna have to have her back, Jen.
My breasts are filling up.
- What with? - Well, milk? Oh, yeah.
I've been getting that.
It's going to be right handy, innit? What, with the baby and all.
-Yeah, that's right.
-Felix? -All right, Jenny? -Hiya.
Look, Moz, it's a baby girl.
Nice one.
What's What's it called? -Jenny.
After me.
-Right.
That'll be easy to remember, then.
Yeah.
That was my thinking.
-Do you want to hold her? -Why? Is she too heavy for you? -No, he means because it's nice to hold babies.
-Is it? No, you're all right.
Shouldn't be passing her round.
She's not a spliff.
I mean, I'll I'm gonna hold your baby.
I mean, our baby.
We'll hold it together.
Listen, I've got something to do, so I'll I'll just close the door.
Protect the baby from the draught.
Oh, that is so thoughtful.
He's gonna make a great dad.
All right, fella.
Job's a good one.
I'll try and keep you out of that murder investigation, -but I'm not promising owt.
-Cheers, mate.
Eh, you deserve that promotion with all the extra work you're doing.
Oh no no, don't.
I'll find out about it this afternoon.
Fingers crossed for failure.
If you don't get it, come round, we'll celebrate.
I'll see you tomorrow morning anyway.
I'll be coming round to bust you.
Alright, yeah.
See you then, then.
- See ya, Nicki.
- See ya, Jen.
Thanks for bringing little Jen round.
Bye! For somebody's looking forward to being a dad, you're not too bothered about her baby.
That's cause I got no natural bond with it.
Its DNA is just a mixture of Jenny off the block and Harry Potter, innit? It'll be different with ours.
Cause ours will be a mixture of Nicki and Moz's DNA, won't it? Yeah, I suppose.
Forgot me hat.
-There you go.
-Cheers.
Can I give you a lift anywhere? Brand-new CD player in panda.
No, thanks.
I'm gonna rest here a while.
-Right.
See you soon.
-Yeah.
Maybe.
- D'you want a coffee? - No, ta, Moz.
-Tea? -No, ta.
Gaviscon? Bong? You all right? I've been having little contractions for about an hour.
But they just stepped up a gear.
Can you phone the midwife? It's under M.
Midwife? Do you mean a taxi? Shouldn't you be getting to hospital? I'm not having a hospital birth.
I'm having a home birth.
Yeah, but in your own home, surely.
I mean, Sangita's home.
There isn't time for that.
I can feel it.
I thought you said you were into having this baby.
Yeah, but I mean There is time to get to Sangita's if you want to.
It's early days, you know.
Your waters haven't broke yet.
- Alright, Moz? This is Carmel.
- Hi.
I came to your party yesterday, but we did not meet.
Is someone gonna tell me what the fuck is going on? No, no.
We didn't.
While I was here, I think I How do you say it? I cracked my nut and lost my memory.
Lucky for me, my boyfriend was there to help me.
What? Your boyfriend? Yeah, Carmel lost her memory and I'm helping her get it back.
Can you sell us an eighth? No, I can't.
-Please, he's on probation.
-I would if I could, but I can't, so I won't.
I ain't got any gear.
I'm making a fresh start.
Come back on Monday.
-I can see you want us to leave.
But, first I must use your toilet.
That's cool? So she loses her memory, and you tell her you're her boyfriend? -Yeah, I'm on probation.
-Ten out of ten for ingenuity.
Bits and bobs have started coming back to her.
She's remembered that she works as a dancer down at Sexorama.
That's me favourite kind of rama.
Oh, well, looks like you've hit the big time, dating a lap dancer.
No, she's not a lap dancer.
She's a go-go dancer.
We're in love, Moz.
Nowt can spoil that.
Well, nowt except for her getting her memory back and realizing you're not actually her boyfriend.
Ah yeah, but by that time, yeah, I'll have worked me charm and have got in under the skin.
Mind, I don't like the idea of her working as a dancer, do you know what I mean? Down there, with all them blokes leering at her, dirty, dirty, dirty Colin! If you love her, let her go-go.
What is that? What's going on? It's just me girlfriend.
She's in a little bit of labour.
Oh, Nicki's having a baby! Oh, and we're just stood here chatting to you.
Sorry, Moz.
Didn't realise.
No, you're all right.
To tell you the truth, it's nice to get a break from all the screaming and swearing.
Oh, okay.
Well, good luck, then.
Come on.
Oh, listen, do you know if Psycho Paul's got any gear at the moment? -I don't know.
Go ask him.
-Psycho Paul? -That name sounds familiar.
-You must be thinking of Psycho Pedro.
On your marks, get set, go! Oh, don't make me laugh.
-Who was that at the door? -Just Colin and his girlfriend.
I didn't know he had one.
How long have they been together? For as long as she can remember.
Where's that midwife got to? Must be an hour since you rung her.
Yeah, must be.
I'll just ring her again.
Oh, and give Sangita a ring.
Let her know where I am.
-Hello, Alice Wolfe speaking.
-Hiya, Nicki Davis gave me this number.
She's just gone into labour.
Said you were gonna be her midwife.
-Yeah, that's right.
-Great, can you get here as quickly as you can? When you get here, can you say you were stuck in traffic for an hour? I'm sorry? And if you're passing shops, a pack of Rizla Green.
- She's on her way.
- Oh! Well, she'd better hurry up! Cause I don't think I can do this on my own.
Hey, you're not on your own.
You got me, love.
I'll help you out.
Reminds me when we went to our first date.
Remember? You got totally paralytic in that nightclub.
Threw you out for knocking that bouncer unconscious.
He was asking for it.
Anyway, how is that like this? Well, I was so worried about you, I left the club and sat on the pavement with you all night, didn't I? While you spewed your guts up.
No, you didn't.
You went and bought a chicken vindaloo.
Yeah, but I bought it for you.
Hiya, I'm Alice Wolfe, the midwife.
I'm here to see Nicki Davis.
-That were quick.
-Yeah, well, I only live on the next road down.
Great.
Well, let's not tell Nicki.
She wouldn't understand.
Hey, was you me old post-woman? Yeah, I retrained.
Me husband reckons I just like delivering stuff.
There'll be another midwife joining us shortly.
-Why? It's not twins, is it? -No, it's just the way we work.
-She's been delayed.
-Right, well, we'll say that she's you and you're her and you're here 'cause she's running late.
Right.
Is there anything I can do for you? Probably not? -There certainly is.
-What? Stick the kettle on, I'm spitting feathers here.
Hiya, Nicki, I'm Alice, your midwife.
-Hiya.
-So how are you doing, love? - Oh, I'm glad you're here.
- Is it getting a bit painful? -Yeah.
-Yeah.
Well, I'll soon have you sorted.
-Don't worry.
-Okay.
Lie back.
You comfy? Okay.
There you go.
That's right.
-Hiya, Bri.
-Hi Hi.
Feeling better now? You want another dose of smelling salts? No I'm fine, don't worry.
A couple of years of counselling, I'll be light as rain.
Well, you see, the thing they never tell you about labour is, it is actually much more difficult for the man.
I don't know how women cope with having a vagina.
-Honestly, it gives me the shivers.
-Me, too.
Different kind of shivers, mind.
I feel sorry for you, Brian.
You'll never understand how special and precious women are.
I'm just gonna shut this door for a bit.
ALICE: There Just give it a go and see if it helps.
There you go.
-Oh, oh, no.
No, thanks.
It's really not me.
-Okay.
Right.
Let's have another look at you.
Here we go.
-Yeah.
-Right, okay.
- Got another one coming, so breathe through it.
- Oh, yeah.
Breathe through it.
Oh, yeah.
That's the money.
Give us another go.
Right, I'm off to float down Canal Street, so I will see you later.
That's it, push! Good girl, good girl, come on.
-I can't do it! -You can! Now, come on, push! That's it, that's it.
There it is! There it is.
-It's a boy! -Hey, what's happened? Are we done? He's here, Moz.
He's here.
-ALICE: Well, done.
-Moz.
He's here.
Look.
For someone who's been inside for the last few months, he's got quite a tan on him.