Inside Comedy (2012) s02e07 Episode Script

[music.]
- WE WERE TALKING ABOUT TIM - YEAH.
- CONWAY.
- YES.
- THE FUNNIEST HUMAN ON EARTH.
- I THINK SO.
YOU KNOW, THERE MAY BE PEOPLE ALMOST AS FUNNY, BUT I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY FUNNIER.
- NO, NO.
YOU CAN'T-- I MEAN, THERE IS NO SERIOUS CONVERSA-- WELL, WHY WOULD YOU WANT A SERIOUS CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE LIKE TIM? - [laughs.]
WELL, I HAVE HAD A FEW WHEN WE GO OUT TO DINNER OR SOMETHING.
- OF COURSE.
- BUT THEN WHEN HARVEY AND HIS WIFE, DEBBIE, AND TIM AND SHARKY, HIS WIFE, AND WE'D ALL GET TOGETHER FOR DINNER, I ALWAYS SAID, "YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER," BECAUSE YOU CHOKE.
YOU CAN'T EAT WITH THOSE GUYS WHEN THEY WERE ON, YOU KNOW.
- RIGHT.
NOW, DID TIM AND YOU START WITH THE GARRY MOORE SHOW? - I WAS A REGULAR PERFORMER ON THE GARRY MOORE SHOW, AND TIM CAME ON AS A GUEST A FEW TIMES.
SO THAT'S WHEN I FIRST WAS AWARE OF TIM CONWAY.
I MEAN, WE DIDN'T BOND AT THAT TIME OR ANYTHING.
BUT IT WAS YEARS LATER WHEN-- YOU KNOW, THAT HE GOT ON MCHALE'S NAVY, AND I THOUGHT HE WAS FUNNY AND HE HAD ALL OF THESE DIFFERENT SHOWS ON THAT WERE CANCELED - YES.
YES.
- AFTER 13 WEEKS.
SO HIS--IN THOSE DAYS, - RIGHT.
- [laughs.]
HIS LICENSE PLATE WAS "13 WEEKS.
" - YES.
RIGHT.
- AND THEN WE HIRED HIM TO BE A GUEST ON OUR SHOW, AND HE BECAME A SEMI-REGULAR ON OUR SHOW.
AND THEN HOW SMART WERE WE, OR HOW DUMB WERE WE? WE DIDN'T MAKE HIM A REGULAR WEEKLY PERFORMER UNTIL THE NINTH YEAR.
- OH, REALLY? REALLY? - YEAH.
DUH! YOU KNOW.
AND, UH-- BUT HE WAS ON JUST ABOUT EVERY OTHER WEEK.
- AND THEN HARVEY ALSO-- I MEAN, IT WAS SUCH A WONDERFUL GROUP.
AND JUST THE PEOPLE WERE WONDERFUL.
- HARVEY WAS ONE OF THE BEST COMEDIC ACTORS YOU COULD FIND.
HE COULD DO EVERYTHING.
HE LOOKED LIKE THE PEOPLE HE WAS PLAYING.
HE COULD DO ANY ACCENT.
AND HIS TIMING WAS THAT OF JACK BENNY'S.
- OKAY, WHERE YOU HEADED? - UH, LOS ANGELES.
- LOS ANGELES.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
ALONE? TRAVELING ALONE? - YES.
- ALL RIGHT.
LOS ANGELES, OKAY.
- MM-HMM.
- "L" - UH, WANNA HURRY IT UP THERE? - "O" - I'VE GOT FIVE MINUTES BEFORE THE PLANE-- - "S.
" LOS.
THERE WE ARE "ANGELE.
" - DON'T YOU HAVE A STAMP THAT HAS THE WHOLE THING ON? - "S.
" "LOS ANGELES.
" OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, TRAVELING ALONE? - YES, I AM ALONE.
YOU ASKED ME THAT BEFORE.
- ALL RIGHT, FIRST OR SECOND CLASS, PLEASE? - HUH? - FIRST CLASS? COACH? - YES, FIRST CLASS.
NO, FIRST CLASS.
- OH, FIRST CLASS.
I'M SORRY.
WELL, WE'LL DO ANOTHER ONE, THEN.
- WHAT? - GATE TAKE THIS.
OKAY, UH, WILL YOU BE USING THE RESTROOM AT ALL ON THE TRIP? - YOU MEAN ON THE PLANE? - YES.
- OH, I DON'T KNOW.
PROBABLY.
- NOW, THIS IS A TEMPORARY.
IF YOU DO DECIDE TO USE IT, THEN THE STEWARDESS WILL STAMP THAT FOR YOU, OKAY? - YOU KNOW, YOU WATCHED THE SHOW TO SEE THE BREAKUP TOO.
- I KNOW.
WE'VE BEEN ACCUSED OF-- I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN CRITICIZED A FEW TIMES ABOUT THAT.
- OH, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
- WELL YOU KNOW, AND HARVEY NEVER-- NONE OF USE EVER PLANNED TO BREAK UP.
- OF COURSE NOT.
- WE ALL CONSIDERED OURSELVES VERY PROFESSIONAL.
- SURE.
- BUT YOU GET CONWAY ON A ROLL - SURE.
- I'M SORRY, I DARE ANYBOD-- AND YET, WE DIDN'T WANT TO STOP TAPE.
AND IT WAS THAT DELICIOUS FEELING YOU GET, LIKE WHEN YOU WERE A KID IN SUNDAY SCHOOL, AND YOU COULDN'T REPRESS WHATEVER MADE YOU LAUGH - YES.
RIGHT.
RIGHT.
- OR IN A LIBRARY OR WHATEVER.
YOU KNOW, AND SO-- BUT EVERYBODY-- MOST PEOPLE HAVE SAID IN FAN MAIL AND EVERYTHING THAT THEY JUST WERE WAITING FOR THOSE MOMENTS TO SEE WHO COULD LAST.
- AND ALSO, WE ARE LAUGHING AT HOME AS WELL.
SO IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S NOT FUNNY.
SO YOU COULD SEE WHY-- - YEAH, THEY WERE IN ON IT.
- THEY WERE IN ON IT.
- YEAH.
[upbeat music.]
[music.]
- WHO WOULD YOU SAY IS AN INFLUENCE? - CAROL BURNETT WAS A BIG INFLUENCE.
WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, I NEVER MISSED HER SHOW.
I MEAN, HER SHOW-- THE OTHER THING ABOUT THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW WAS THEY ALWAYS LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE HAVING THE BEST TIME.
- THEY WERE.
THEY WERE.
- THEY WERE.
I KIND OF FEEL LIKE THAT'S KIND OF HOW WE ARE AT CURB, 'CAUSE AS YOU KNOW, WHEN WE'RE ON SET - YES.
- WE HAVE THE BEST TIME - SO MUCH FUN.
- IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
- A LOT OF LAUGHING.
- LAUGH NONSTOP.
LARRY'S THE WORST.
LARRY'S MR.
GIGGLES.
- YEAH.
YEAH.
- BUT, YEAH, THEY ALWAYS LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE HAVING A GREAT TIME, AND I THOUGHT, "WELL, THAT-- THAT'S--I WANT TO DO THAT.
" AND ONE DAY, A FRIEND OF MINE IN COLLEGE TURNED TO ME-- WE WERE WATCHING CAROL BURNETT-- AND SHE SAID TO ME, "YOU COULD DO THAT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU COULD DO.
" AND THAT WAS ONE OF THE FIRST TIMES I THOUGHT, "YEAH, I COULD DO THAT.
" AND I GRADUATED THAT YEAR, AND I STARTED TAKING ACTING CLASSES.
AND I WAS EXTREMELY DISILLUSIONED BY ACTING CLASSES.
- WHY? - IT WAS ALL, YOU KNOW, GO SIT IN THE CORNER AND PRETEND YOU'RE A PEAR FOR A HALF AN HOUR.
AND I JUST HATED IT.
AND I WAS EXTREMELY LOST, AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.
STAND-UP WAS NOT SOMETHING I EVER THOUGHT OF IN MY LIFE.
- RIGHT.
YOU STARTED ACTING, AND ONCE ACTING WASN'T FOR YOU, THEN "WHAT ELSE DO I DO?" - HOW DO I GET ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE? I HAD NO IDEA.
AND I WENT INTO A DEEP, DEEP DEPRESSION, ACTUALLY.
AND I WORKED IN A RESTAURANT, AND THE ONLY WAY I USED TO MAKE IT BEARABLE FOR ME WAS BY IMITATING THE CUSTOMERS.
AND THE CUSTOMERS WERE ALL LIKE THESE-- THESE JEWS FROM LONG ISLAND, YOU KNOW.
SO I USED TO DO ALL OF THEM AND MY GRANDMOTHER AND ALL THESE CHARACTERS.
- HOW WAS YOUR GRANDMOTHER? WHAT WAS SHE LIKE? IT WAS ACTUALLY MY FRIEND LISA'S GRANDMOTHER [raspy voice.]
WHO WAS A VERY HEAVY CIGARETTE SMOKER.
[normal voice.]
AND SHE USED TO SELL HOT CLOTHING OUT OF HER APARTMENT.
AND SHE WOULD ALWAYS BE [raspy voice.]
"I HAVE FOR YOU-- "I HAVE GO-GO BOOTS.
I HAVE, UH-- I HAVE A NEW ITEM, THE ORGANIZER.
" [normal voice.]
AND, YOU KNOW, WHATEVER.
BUT BECAUSE I DID ALL THESE CHARACTERS, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DO LIKE A CAROL BURNETT KIND OF A LIFE.
- SURE.
YES.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE CAROL BURNETT STUFF.
- BUT THAT WASN'T HAPPENING.
NOBODY WAS KNOCKING DOWN MY DOOR.
- RIGHT.
- SO FRIENDS THAT I WAITRESSED WITH KIND OF SAID, "WELL, GET ONSTAGE AND DO STAND-UP.
" AND I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT STAND-UP.
" SO, WHEN I FIRST GOT ONSTAGE, I JUST DID THESE CHARACTERS.
AND I JUST WOULD DO THAT FOR THE FIRST COUPLE OF MONTHS.
I WAS TOO AFRAID TO SPEAK.
- MM-HMM.
- AND THEN I REALIZED THAT I HAD TO DEVELOP A VOICE AND BECOME A COMIC.
THE TRICK TO ME WAS, HOW DO I BE THAT PERSON THAT WAS SO FUNNY SITTING IN MY KITCHEN WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS AND PUT THAT ONSTAGE? - YEAH.
- IT'S--IT'S REALLY HARD.
- THAT'S WHY STAND-UP IS SO HARD--FINDING THAT VOICE.
- FINDING THE VOICE.
AND I THINK THAT-- I THINK THAT EVERY REALLY GOOD STAND-UP HAS A POINT OF VIEW AND A VOICE.
- YEAH.
AND THEN--THEN YOU MADE FRIENDS WITH THE OTHER COMEDIANS, AND THEN YOU'RE IN A-- YOU'RE IN A BUSINESS.
- AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M A COMEDIAN.
AND AFTER ABOUT THREE MONTHS OF DOING STAND-UP, I REMEMBER THINKING, "THIS IS WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO.
THIS IS WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING.
" - YEAH.
WELL, I HAPPEN TO AGREE WITH THAT WHOLEHEARTEDLY.
- [laughs.]
- THIS IS WHAT YOU WERE BORN TO DO.
- BUT I COULD HAVE NOT ENDED UP DOING IT.
- BUT YOU DID.
- I DID.
- AND THAT'S THE GOOD PART.
- YEAH.
YOU KNOW HOW THE HEAT WEARS OFF IN A RELATIONSHIP AFTER TWO YEARS, AND IT'S JUST-- FOR ME, AFTER TWO YEARS, NO MATTER HOW HOT I AM FOR THE GUY, AFTER TWO YEARS, I ALWAYS REACH THAT POINT WHERE I BOLT OUT OF BED ONE DAY AND JUST SAY TO MYSELF, "I DON'T THINK I WANT THIS THING BEING CONSTANTLY SHOVED DOWN MY THROAT.
" AND THAT'S IT.
IT'S OVER, YOU KNOW? [laughter.]
FIRST TWO YEARS, YOU'RE INTO IT, YOU CRAVE IT.
AFTER TWO YEARS, YOU'RE LIKE [rasps.]
YOU KNOW.
SO WHY GET MARRIED? I HAVE COUPLES IN MY FAMILY-- THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED, LIKE, 50, 60 YEARS, AND THEY HATE EACH OTHER, BUT THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.
YOU KNOW THESE COUPLES? MY AUNT SYLVIA AND MY UNCLE BEN, THEY THINK IT'S NORMAL TO TALK TO EACH OTHER IN THIS DESPICABLE KIND OF WAY.
LIKE, MY AUNT SYLVIA WILL BE ON THE PHONE HAVING SOME CONVERSATION WITH HER FRIEND, AND MY UNCLE WILL BE IN THE NEXT ROOM, SCREAMING SOMETHING LIKE, "WHERE'S MY SOCKS?" YOU KNOW, SO SHE'LL BE IN THE PHONE, "YOU KNOW, GLORIA, IT'S VERY SAD TO FIND OUT "THAT YOUR SON WANTS SUCH A MUTILATING OPERATION.
"IT'S IN MY DRAWER, NOT YOURS! "WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, YOU MORON? "YOU CAN'T FIND A LOUSY SOCK? "AND I THINK I SPEAK FOR BEN WHEN I SAY WE CARE.
"WHY DON'T YOU SPEAK TO HIM? "HE'S SO GENTLE AND KIND AND UNDERSTANDING.
"BEN, YOU IDIOT, PICK UP THE PHONE.
"IT'S GLORIA.
SHE SAYS HER SON IS A WOMAN "TRAPPED IN A MAN'S BODY.
"BUT, GLO, THINK OF THE BRIGHT SIDE.
THERE'S THE SHOPPING YOU'LL DO.
" THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW.
THEY THINK IT'S NORMAL.
MY MOTHER AND FATHER, THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED 40-SOMETHING YEARS.
EVERY TIME MY FATHER TURNS HIS BACK, MY MOTHER DOES THIS TO ME-- [mouthing words.]
[upbeat music.]
[music.]
- NOW, THE GARRY MOORE SHOW-- I REMEMBER SEEING YOU ON THE GARRY MOORE SHOW AND JUST THINKING THAT YOU WERE AMAZING.
IT WAS JUST SO INCREDIBLE TO SEE YOU ON THAT, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHY I WATCHED THE SHOW.
THAT'S WHY MOST PEOPLE WATCHED THE SHOW.
AND BEFORE THAT, WERE YOU ON BROADWAY-- - ONCE UPON A MATTRESS.
- BEFORE--BEFORE THE GARRY MOORE SHOW.
- WELL, ACTUALLY, IT HAPPENED THE SAME YEAR.
AND, OH, MAN, I HAD THE TWO JOBS OF A LIFETIME, YOU KNOW.
BUT I WOULD DO--REHEARSE FOR GARRY'S SHOW DURING THE DAY.
WE'D TAPE THE SHOW FRIDAY NIGHTS OH, AND THEN I WOULD GO AND DO THE SHOW EVERY NIGHT.
BUT THEN WHEN WE'D TAPE THE SHOW ON FRIDAY NIGHTS, WE'D FINISH RIGHT ON THE DOT AT 8:00.
I'D RUN DOWN, GET ON THE SUBWAY, AND HEAD FOR MATTRESS DOWNTOWN - AMAZING.
- IN THE VILLAGE AND DO THE WEEKENDS.
- A FULL BROADWAY PLAY.
- FULL BROADWAY PLAY.
AND THE MATINEES OVER THE WEEKEND.
SO THERE WERE TIMES WHEN I DIDN'T HAVE A DAY OFF.
- SO YOU'RE DOING THE TELEVISION SHOW DURING THE DAY AND THEN THE BROADWAY SHOW AT NIGHT.
- RIGHT.
- UNBELIEVABLE.
- WELL, I WAS ABOUT 12, SO - YOU DON'T LOOK BACK.
- YEAH.
- AND IN ONCE UPON A MATTRESS, I KNOW THERE'S A SONG, I'M IN LOVE WITH A GIRL NAMED FRED.
- UH-HUH.
DID YOU EVER DO IT? - NO.
- YOU'D HAVE BEEN A PERFECT PRINCE.
- OH, REALLY? - YEAH.
- I KNOW [music.]
BRAVO, BRAVO - [music.]
BRAVISSIMO BRAVO YEAH.
- BRAVISSIMO--I KNOW--YEAH.
- THAT'S FRED.
THAT'S--YEAH.
- WHAT WAS YOUR SONG? WHAT DID YOU-- - SHY.
- WHAT WAS THAT? - SHE SINGS-- WHEN SHE COMES OUT OF THE MOAT.
SHE'S A PRINCESS FROM THE SWAMPS, AND SHE'S THERE TO AUDITION FOR THE PRINCE'S HAND IN MARRIAGE.
AND SHE'S JUST FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS.
AND HIS MOTHER, THE QUEEN, IS VERY EVIL, AND SHE DOESN'T LIKE WINNIFRED-- FRED--AT ALL.
BUT I COME OUT OF THE MOAT, AND I JUST SING [music.]
I'M SHY, DA DA DA DA, I'M SHY ONLY REAL LOUD, AND I'M AFTER ALL OF THE GUYS.
YOU KNOW, ALL OF THE KNIGHTS IN SHINING ARMOR AND ALL THAT.
- WHAT A PERFECT INTRODUCTION TO YOU.
- YES.
- WILLING TO GO FOR IT ALL.
- WELL, I WAS JUST ALL OUT, LIKE A TOMBOY.
- JUST GOING FOR EVERYTHING.
- EXACTLY.
- JUST REMARKABLE.
AND THEN TO-- I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE DOING IT AT THE SAME TIME.
- YEAH, I WAS IN MATTRESS FOR A YEAR.
AND IT RAN A LONG TIME BECAUSE GARRY MOORE WAS SO TERRIFIC.
HE PLUGGED THE SHOW ALL THE TIME, AND THEN AT ONE POINT, WE DID THE WHOLE FIRST SCENE ON THE GARRY MOORE SHOW - OH, HOW GREAT.
- WHERE I DID COME OUT AND SING SHY.
SO IT WAS HE WHO HELPED MATTRESS LIVE.
- BEFORE ONCE UPON A MATTRESS, DID YOU DO OTHER PLAYS? - NO.
- NEVER.
SO THIS WAS YOUR FIRST? - I--YEAH.
I HAD TO JOIN EQUITY.
YOU HADN'T EVEN JOINED EQUITY? - NO.
- AND JUST--DID YOU HEAR ABOUT AN AUDITION? DID AN AGENT TELL YOU? - NO.
WHAT HAPPENED WAS, I HAD BEEN AUDITIONING.
RICHARD RODGERS, THE COMPOSER, WAS GOING TO REOPEN BABES IN ARMS.
SO I AUDITIONED FOR THAT, AND THEY WERE ALL VERY ENCOURAGING.
AND I REMEMBER I WAS RAISING MY KID SISTER IN NEW YORK, AND I WENT BACK TO THE APARTMENT.
I SAID, "I THINK I GOT IT.
" YOU KNOW, "I'M GONNA--" AND THE PHONE RANG, AND THEY WERE GOING WITH A NAME.
- OH.
- AND SO, UM I STARTED TO KIND OF CRY.
AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN I LEFT UCLA TO GO TO NEW YORK AND MY CLASSMATES GAVE ME A PARTY, THEY SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, CAROL? WHAT'S GONNA BE THE FIRST THING YOU DO?" AND I SAID, "I WILL WORK FOR GEORGE ABBOTT.
THAT'LL BE MY FIRST SHOW.
" THE WONDERFUL MUSICAL-COMEDY DIRECTOR.
HE WAS THE DADDY OF THEM ALL.
- YEAH, PROLIFIC-- DID EVERYTHING.
- AND I JUST KIND OF SAW MYSELF WORKING FOR HIM.
AND SO THEN I'D LOST THIS.
WITHIN FIVE MINUTES-- MY SISTER-- SHE'S 13 AT THE TIME-- SHE SAID, "NOW, SISSY, DON'T WORRY.
"YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS SAY, 'IT WASN'T YOUR TIME.
IT WAS SOMEBODY ELSE'S TIME TO GET-- YOUR--ONE DOOR CLOSES,'" ALL OF THAT.
- MM-HMM.
- THE PHONE RANG, AND IT WAS BILL AND JEAN ECKART WHO WERE PRODUCING A LITTLE SHOW OFF BROADWAY CALLED ONCE UPON A MATTRESS, BEING DIRECTED BY GEORGE ABBOTT.
- AMAZING.
- AND THEY SAID, "COULD YOU COME DOWN NOW? HOP ON A SUBWAY AND COME DOWN NOW," BECAUSE THEY'D SEEN ME ON A COUPLE OF-- LIKE, THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW I'D DONE AND SOME OTHER THINGS.
AND I I WENT DOWN, AND I SANG FOR MR.
ABBOTT AND THE PRODUCERS.
AND THEN CAME HOME-- THE PHONE WAS RINGING, AND I HAD THE JOB.
- AMAZING.
- I KNOW.
- YOU WISHED IT INTO YOUR LIFE.
- I DID.
I JUST SAW IT.
- YEAH, YOU SAW IT.
I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE IN OUR BUSINESS COULD GIVE YOU SOME VERSION OF THAT, YOU KNOW? - SURE.
- YOU WISH SOMETHING FOR-- YOU JUST SEE YOURSELF DOING IT.
- YOU DON'T KNOW HOW, BUT YOU SEE THE END RESULT.
- YEAH.
- AND IT'S AMAZING.
[upbeat music.]
[music.]
- SO DO PEOPLE ALWAYS-- I KNOW THEY DO.
THEY HAVE TO ASK YOU, "CAN YOU TELL ME TO," WHAT? - PEOPLE--OH, GOD, IT'S BECOME SO TEDIOUS, DAVID.
BUT THAT HAS BECOME MY LIFE, WHERE PEOPLE ARE WALKING UP TO ME, CONSTANTLY BEGGING ME-- BEGGING ME, AND GETTING UPSET WHEN I DON'T TELL THEM TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES.
"CALL ME A FAT FUCK.
HERE'S MY CELL PHONE.
MY HUSBAND'S BALD.
CALL HIM A BALD MOTHERFUCKER.
" THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE IS NOW.
AND IT ANNOYS ME SOMETIMES, BUT AT THE SAME TIME, YOU KNOW, IT COULD BE WORSE.
- YEAH, IT COULD BE WORSE, AND IT'S NOT.
BUT THEY THINK IT'S YOU.
THEY DON'T REALIZE THAT THAT'S NOT HOW YOU TALK.
THIS IS NOT YOUR-- - UNLESS I'M PUSHED.
THE ONLY TIME I GET LIKE THAT IS WHEN I'M DEALING WITH CUSTOMER-SERVICE ISSUES.
- YES.
- WHEN I GET THAT LEVEL OF ANGER-- WE RECENTLY HAD TO GET A NEW STOVE AND MICROWAVE.
AND, YOU KNOW, WE ORDER IT.
YOU KNOW, I GOT THE BEST MODEL.
AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S INSTALLED, AND WE PAID ALL THIS MONEY, AND IT BROKE WITHIN, LIKE, TWO DAYS.
AND I CALLED, AND IT'S GONNA TAKE THEM THREE WEEKS TO REPLACE IT.
THIS KIND OF THING-- I BECOME SUSIE GREENE.
THEN I GO SUSIE GREENE ON PEOPLE.
- YES, AS YOU-- - BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S INTERESTING? I THINK, ACTUALLY, AS I'M THINKING ABOUT THAT, I THINK THAT THAT'S WHY SUSIE GREENE TOUCHES A NERVE IN PEOPLE, BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE FEELING HELPLESS ALL THE TIME AND ANGRY AT THEIR HELPLESSNESS ABOUT THESE KINDS OF THINGS.
- SURE.
SURE.
- YOU KNOW, PRESS 1 IF YOU WANT TO-- AND THEN PRESS 5, AND THEN, YOU KNOW.
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU'RE DISCONNECTED ON THE LINE.
AND I THINK THAT I GIVE PERMISSION TO PEOPLE TO BE ANGRY.
- I GOT THE SHARPEST JEWISH DIVORCE LAWYER IN TOWN.
- HE'S TERRIFIC.
- YOU LIKE BURT, HUH? - I LIKE HIM A LOT.
YEAH.
- YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU AND I EVER SPLIT UP, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
WE GET A DIVORCE, 50-50.
YOU TAKE WHATEVER 50% YOU WANT, I'LL TAKE WHAT'S LEFT.
NO--NO ARGUING, NO NEGATIVITY.
- WHAT, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YOU THINK WE'RE GONNA HAVE A NICE DIVORCE IF WE EVER GET DIVORCED? NO FUCKING WAY.
I'M TAKING YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, MISTER.
I'M TAKING YOUR BALLS, AND I'M THUMBTACKING THEM TO THE WALL.
YOU'RE GONNA GET NOTHING OUT OF IT.
YOU MENTION THE "D" WORD ONCE IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE, YOU'LL RUE THE DAY YOU EVER MET ME! [upbeat music.]
[music.]
- DID YOU FEEL YOU MISSED ANYTHING IN YOUR CAREER THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE WANTED TO DO? A MOVIE THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE WANTED TO DO? - NOT REALLY, DAVID.
I THINK, YOU KNOW-- I DON'T THINK I'M ANY GOOD IN MOVIES.
I'M REALLY A WAR HORSE.
I LIKE TO, YOU KNOW, KNOW THE CURTAIN'S GONNA GO UP.
YOU GO OUT, AND YOU DO IT, AND THE CURTAIN COMES DOWN.
BUT THE SITTING AROUND AND WAITING AND THE LIGHTING AND THE THIS AND THE THAT.
AND WE DID OUR SHOW AS IF IT WERE A LIVE SHOW - CORRECT.
- AS FAST AS WE COULD GO.
- A BROADWAY SHOW EVERY FRIDAY OR WHATEVER.
- A BROADWAY REVUE.
- MUSICAL.
REVUE, RIGHT.
- YEAH, AND SO I WAS REALLY SPOILED IN THAT.
AND SO, NO, THERE ARE NO, REALLY, REGRETS BECAUSE I'M REALLY HAPPY - WHAT A WONDERFUL CAREER.
- THAT MY TIME, ACTUALLY, AND A LOT OF PEOPLE'S TIME, HAPPENED IN THE GOLDEN AGE OF VARIETY - CORRECT.
- WHICH DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE.
- NO.
- SO I'M HAPPY THAT I WAS THE AGE I WAS AT THE RIGHT TIME, BECAUSE THERE WERE-- WHEN WE WERE ON, THERE WERE SOMETIMES AS MANY AS NINE VARIETY SHOWS.
THE SMOTHERS AND SONNY & CHER AND LAUGH IN AND FLIP WILSON AND DEAN MARTIN.
AND IT WAS JUST THIS WONDERFUL GROUP.
- IT WAS A WONDERFUL TIME, YOU KNOW.
I DON'T THINK IT'S THE LOOKING BACK AND SAYING, "OH" YOU KNOW, FROM OLD-TIMERS LOOKING-- IT REALLY WAS A GOOD TIME.
- IT WAS A GOLDEN TIME.
- I REMEMBER FOR ME TOO, IT WAS JUST SO MUCH FUN TO GO TO WORK AND-- - WELL, I REMEMBER BEING IN NEW YORK AND JUST STARTING OUT AND WANTING TO FIND OUT HOW EVERYBODY WORKED OR WHATEVER.
REMEMBER THE COMEDIAN MILT KAMEN? - YES.
SURE.
- WELL, HE AND I BECAME BUDDIES, AND HE STOOD IN FOR REHEARSALS FOR SID CAESAR.
AND SO HE SAID, "WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME AND WATCH A REHEARSAL SOMETIME?" AND I SAID, "YEAH.
" SO HE SNEAKED ME INTO THE UPSTAIRS BALCONY.
AND I LOVED CAESAR'S HOUR.
I LOVED THE SKETCHES.
AND, YOU KNOW, IT WAS A LIVE SHOW.
- YES.
- AND, UH SO I WATCHED THE REHEARSAL, WHERE THEY WERE DOING A TAKEOFF ON INHERIT THE WIND.
AND HE WAS CLARENCE DARROW AND ALL, AND HOWIE WAS ON TRIAL, AND CARL WAS THE PROSECUTING ATTORNEY.
SO I'M WATCHING THIS, AND THEN THEY COME UP WITH THE VERDICT.
AND THEY SAY, "WE FIND THE DEFENDANT GUILTY.
" AND THAT'S WHEN SID GOES, HE SAYS, "YES, YOU THINK HE'S GUILTY, BUT HE'S NOT, AND I'M GONNA PROVE TO YOU HOW HE'S NOT GUILTY.
" AND HE'S GOT THE SUSPENDERS ON, AND HE HAD THIS GREAT, FANTASTIC MONOLOGUE.
AND I THINK THE COURTROOM BURST INTO APPLAUSE OR SOMETHING, AND HE GOT HIS CLIENT OFF.
SO I THOUGHT, "OH, THAT'S GREAT.
" NOW, I RAN HOME SO THAT I COULD SEE IT.
IT'S GONNA BE LIVE NOW.
AND I'M WATCHING IT, AND THEY'RE DOING THE TRIAL, AND THE GUY--FOREMAN-- THIS IS ALL HE HAD TO SAY.
"GUILTY.
" AND SO HE SAID, "WE FIND THE DEFENDANT NOT GUILTY.
" AND HE JUST FROZE.
AND EVERYBODY FROZE, AND I THOUGHT, "THEY CHANGED THE SCRIPT.
" THE GUY HAD LOST IT.
- THE GUY WENT UP ON HIS LINES.
- WENT UP ON HIS LINES, FOUND HIM NOT GUILTY WHEN HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SAY "GUILTY.
" ONE THING TO SAY.
AND SID GOT UP, AND HE SAID, "YOU SAY HE'S NOT GUILTY, "BUT I KNOW EVERYBODY IN THIS COURTROOM "THINKS HE'S GUILTY.
AND I'M GONNA PROVE TO YOU WHY HE'S NOT GUILTY.
" I MAY BE PARAPHRASING THIS, BUT HE - YEAH, HE MADE IT WORK.
- HE MADE IT WORK.
NOW, THE NICE END TO THIS STORY IS I THINK THIS POOR GUY WAS ON HIS WAY OUT THE STAGE DOOR AND GONNA FLING HIMSELF IN FRONT OF A SUBWAY TRAIN.
- OF COURSE.
- YOU KNOW, HE WAS JUST AND WHILE THE COMMERCIAL WAS ON BEFORE THE "GOOD NIGHTS," SID RAN OUT AND GOT HIM, AND HE SAID, "IT'S OKAY.
COME BACK NEXT WEEK.
" - HOW SWEET.
COME BACK.
- "IT'S OKAY.
COME BACK NEXT WEEK.
" I MEAN, THAT, TO ME, WAS-- - EVERYTHING.
- YEAH.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, IF YOU'VE DONE THIS A LOT, YOU CAN IDENTIFY WITH ANYONE MAKING A MISTAKE, AND NOT GETTING IT RIGHT.
- OF COURSE.
I KNOW.
BUT YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD HAVE PUSHED HIM UNDER THE TRAIN, YOU KNOW? - GREAT.
I'VE ALWAYS SAID, AS A DIRECTOR, MY GREATEST QUALITY IS THAT THERE'S NO LEVEL OF INCOMPETENCE THAT I CAN'T IDENTIFY WITH.
- [laughs.]
- IF SOMEONE DROPS SOMETHING ON THE SET-- IF I WAS IN THAT JOB, THAT WOULD BE ME.
SO I'M VERY CALM ABOUT ALL OF THIS HAPPENING.
- THAT'S SO SWEET.
[upbeat music.]
- SO NOW WE'VE BEEN DOING CURB FOR YEARS.
- IT'S AMAZING BECAUSE THE FIRST SEASON, WE WERE LIKE, YOU KNOW-- WE WERE JUST LIKE-- YOU KNOW, "I GOT A BARN, LET'S DO A SHOW.
" - RIGHT, RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW? AND YOU REALIZE THE FIRST SEASON, WE DIDN'T HAVE TRAILERS, WE DIDN'T HAVE DRESSING ROOMS.
THE CREW DIDN'T EVEN HAVE PORTA POTTIES.
- YEAH.
RIGHT.
- TALK ABOUT IMPROVISING.
YOU KNOW, WHERE THEY GONNA, YOU KNOW, GO TO THE BATHROOM? - AND ALSO, THE IMPROVISING HADN'T BEEN WORKED-- IT WASN'T LIKE ANYONE WORKED IT OUT IN ANY WAY.
- NO.
WELL, WE HAD THE OUTLET-- WE HAD THE OUTLINE.
- YOU HAD THE OUTLINE, YEAH.
BUT LARRY JUST SAID, "WE'LL IMPROVISE.
" - "WE'LL JUST IMPROVISE.
" WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
BUT THE THING THAT PEOPLE MISUNDERSTAND ABOUT CURB IS THAT IT'S NOT JUST THIS FREE-FOR-ALL IMPROV.
EACH SCENE IS SO LAID OUT AND SO DELINEATED-- EXACTLY WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN IN YOUR SCENE.
AND SO THAT WHEN YOU KNOW YOUR CHARACTER, LIKE I KNOW MINE - YEAH.
- AND YOU KNOW YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE OTHER CHARACTERS, IT WRITES ITSELF, IT REALLY DOES.
- YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE TO BE GOOD AT IT, WHICH YOU ARE.
YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.
- RIGHT.
- IT'S NOT EASY.
BECAUSE I REMEMBER THE SECOND SHOW WAS MARY STEENBURGEN AND TED DANSON, RIGHT? - OH, WHEN THEY'RE BOWLING.
- THEY'RE BOWLING.
REMEMBER THAT BOWLING SCENE? - YEAH.
UH-HUH.
- AND THEY WERE PETRIFIED OF IMPROVISATION.
I MEAN, THEY WERE REALLY-- THEY SAID, "DAVID, WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO--" THEY WERE SO NERVOUS ABOUT IT.
AND, YOU KNOW, LARRY WAS, YOU KNOW, WHISTLING, CAREFREE.
- YEAH.
BUT IT'S INTERESTING ABOUT TED AND MARY.
AND TED HAS BEEN SO INCREDIBLE ON THE SHOW OVER THE YEARS.
A LOT OF ACTORS TELL ME-- JUST, YOU KNOW, COME UP TO ME ON THE STREET, OR I MEET THEM SOMEWHERE, AND THEY TELL ME THEY'RE PETRIFIED AT THE THOUGHT OF IMPROVISING.
- RIGHT.
RIGHT.
- WHEREAS, MOST, I THINK, COMEDIANS ARE NOT.
- NO, COMEDIANS AREN'T.
AND NOW THERE'S AN IMPROV COMMUNITY, SO THEY'RE NOW DOING IT.
BUT A LOT OF THIS IMPROVISATIONAL STUFF WAS UNLEASHED BY CURB.
AND PEOPLE DUP-- THE REASON IT HASN'T BEEN DUPLICATED IS YOU DON'T HAVE LARRY'S GENIUS FOR WRITING THIS STUFF.
- AND I ALWAYS THINK THAT-- I MEAN, LARRY HAS A LOT OF GENIUSES.
- RIGHT.
- BUT I THINK THAT LARRY'S TRUE GENIUS IS STORY.
- YES.
- I REALLY THINK THAT HIS SENSE OF STORY-- AND WHEN YOU READ THE OUTLINES-- WHEN I GET THE OUTLINES IN THE BEGINNING OF THE SEASON-- AND, YOU KNOW, WE HAVE COMIC BRAINS.
AND YET, I READ THOSE OUTLINES, AND I JUST THINK I HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE GOT THERE.
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE GOT TO THE PLACES WHERE HE'S GOING IN THOSE OUTLINES.
IT'S JUST-- IT'S MIND-BOGGLING TO ME.
- BUT ONE OF THEM OCCURRED AT A DINNER WE HAD, RIGHT? - WE WERE HAVING DINNER ON YOUR BIRTHDAY WITH SOME FRIENDS OF OURS, AND I DON'T REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED, BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED WHERE LARRY WAS TALKING ABOUT BECOMING THE SOCIAL ASSASSIN, OF TELLING PEOPLE THE TRUTH.
- YES.
AND THEN HE TOOK OUT HIS NOTEBOOK, DIDN'T HE, AND WROTE DOWN, "SOCIAL--" - "I GOTTA WRITE-- I HAVE AN IDEA FOR THAT EPISODE.
"THAT'S A GOOD IDEA FOR EPISODE FOUR.
I HAVEN'T WRITTEN THAT ONE YET.
" AND HE WROTE IT DOWN, AND-- - AND WE SHOT IT.
[upbeat music.]
[music.]
- AND WERE WOMEN-- WERE THERE ANY COMEDIENNES THAT INFLUENCED YOU? - I LOVED LUCY.
OF COURSE.
EVERYBODY LOVED LUCY.
HOWEVER, THAT WASN'T MY THING, DOING A SITCOM.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- ALTHOUGH SHE BECAME A VERY, VERY, VERY CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE, AND A MENTOR, AND SHE CALLED ME "KID," AND WOULD GIVE ME ADVICE, AND EVERYTHING LIKE THAT.
BUT I JUST LOVED THE WAY SHE COULD CLOWN AROUND AND JUST DO THINGS LIKE THAT.
BUT IT WAS REALLY THE MUSICAL-COMEDY REVUES THAT-VARIETY - VARIETY REVUES.
RIGHT.
- AND SO THAT WAS MY DEAL.
AND I REMEMBER ED WYNN CAME ON--YOU KNOW, THE WONDERFUL OLD COMEDIAN.
HE CAME ON GARRY'S SHOW ONCE AS A GUEST, AND WE WERE KIND OF SITTING AROUND THE TABLE AND TALKING.
AND HE DEFINED THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN COMICS AND COMEDIC ACTORS.
- MM-HMM.
- HE SAID, "COMICS SAY FUNNY THINGS.
COMEDIC ACTORS SAY THINGS FUNNY.
" - THAT'S--YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT DEFINITION.
- LIKE JACK BENNY GOING, "WELL.
" - RIGHT.
YEAH.
- YOU KNOW.
THAT DOESN'T LOOK FUNNY ON THE PAPER - NO, NO.
JUST A MAN STANDING THERE LIKE THIS.
- GOING, "WELL.
" BUT HE-- - RIGHT.
YEAH.
- IT'S ALL THE SILENCES.
IT'S NOT ALWAYS WHAT YOU SAY.
- RIGHT.
- IT'S IN THE LOOKS AND THE MOMENTS IN BETWEEN, THE SPACES AND ALL OF THAT.
SO MOVIES.
WHEN YOU WERE WATCHING MOVIES, WHAT WERE--WHAT-- - MY MOVIES WERE MICKEY AND JUDY.
- MICKEY AND JUDY.
RIGHT.
- MICKEY AND JUDY.
AND I WAS RAISED BY MY GRANDMOTHER IN THE '40s, AND WE SAW UMPTEEN DOUBLE FEATURES A WEEK.
AND THAT WAS A KINDER TIME FOR THE MOVIES, YOU KNOW? THE BAD GUYS GOT IT, THE GOOD GUYS MADE IT.
AND SO THAT THERE WAS NO CYNICISM, REALLY.
- RIGHT.
- AND SO I GREW UP WITH THAT IMPRINT THAT EVERYTHING WAS GONNA TURN OUT LIKE MICKEY AND JUDY.
SO WHEN I LEFT AND WENT TO NEW YORK-- I'D NEVER BEEN ANY FURTHER EAST THAN TEXAS-- I WASN'T SCARED BECAUSE I DIDN'T-- AND I REALIZED, YOU KNOW, IF I-- AGAIN, IF I WAS TURNED DOWN FOR A PART EVEN WHEN I WOULD AUDITION, AND THE GIRL NEXT TO ME WOULD GET IT, I WOULD THINK TO MYSELF, "OKAY, IT'S HER TURN.
IT'S NOT MY TURN.
" - THAT'S A GREAT APPROACH.
- YOU KNOW, AND MY TURN WILL COME, AND IT DID WITH ONCE UPON A MATTRESS.
- YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER WATCHING MOVIES IN CANADA, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THERE WAS A DIRECTOR.
I ALMOST DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THEM AS ACTORS.
I'D BELIEVE THE MOVIE.
- I DID TOO, GROWING UP.
- YEAH.
SO YOU'RE GETTING A MORAL CODE FROM THE MOVIES.
- EXACTLY.
YES.
- WHICH I FEEL I GOT AS A KID.
AND IT STAYS IN YOU, EVEN WHEN YOU FIND OUT-- - EVEN WHEN YOU'RE OLDER AND EVERYTHING ELSE, IT'S THAT "IT'S NOT MY TURN YET.
" BUT MICKEY AND JUDY, THEY PUT ON A SHOW IN THE BARN, AND THEN IT WOUND UP ON BROADWAY.
WELL, OF COURSE.
- COULD YOU JUST TELL ME TO GO FUCK MYSELF AT THE END OF THE SCENE RIGHT NOW? - YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN, DAVID, BUT THE PROBLEM IS I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
AND YOU'RE ONE OF MY IDOLS.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- [in character.]
FUCK YOU, DAVID! [laughter.]
- THANK YOU.
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING THIS.
- THANK YOU, DAVID.
THANK YOU.
I LOVED DOING IT.
- THANK YOU.
- GOOD TO SEE YOU, SWEETHEART.
- WE'RE DONE? GOOD? [applause.]
- THANK YOU.
[laughs.]