It's a Date (2013) s02e07 Episode Script
Should You Re-connect With An Old Flame?
1 # Theme music (Sighs) Somebody's working late tonight.
Yeah, got a call coming through from London at ten.
I've got a call coming through, too.
From Snack Town in about two-and-a-half minutes.
Oh.
Oh, I see the staff rugby game's coming up.
I know.
They changed it to touch rugby this year.
No tackling.
The boys in Security are ropeable.
Our team name was the Whooshkas 'cause when we tackle we yell, 'Whooshka!' When are we going to yell whooshka now? What the hell? Have you seen this? Well, he looks like a cool dude.
Arjuna.
No, not Arjuna.
His name is Matt Simons and he is not a cool dude.
And he is definitely not full of love and light.
He's full We were together, but it got messy.
Court order kind of messy.
If the girl I loved took out a court order on me, I'd still find a way for us to be together somehow.
I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.
(Microwave beeps) Mm.
BEC: She's twerking.
Well, that's how girls with low self-esteem dance these days.
Yeah, yeah.
I know what twerking is, Becs.
I was a bit of a dancer back in the day.
I was even in a video clip.
It got to number 38.
And, er, it was played on Video Smash Hits.
Were you famous? Well, I wouldn't exactly say famous, but, you know, I was recognised down at Woollies once.
Really? Are you going on a hot date? No, a booty call.
You know a booty call? I message my ex and I go over there and we Yeah, yeah.
I know what a booty call is.
You should do one.
It's empowering.
Yeah, and who's gonna want to booty call with me? Just message your ex on Facebook or something.
Nobody too recent.
Just, like, you know an old flame or the one that got away.
And then take a selfie in bed together, send to your ex-fiance, and tell him to suck it! And then practise this.
Twerk.
Mm.
(Chuckles) Love you.
Yeah.
Me too.
(Vacuum cleaner whines) Ronnie, it's Harry and the Blowfish, mate.
Without me, it's just the Blowfish.
Harry Harry, look, we've been talking.
Oh, hi, Ronnie.
Yeah, hi.
Er, Mum, can you give us a little bit of room, please? We're having a band meeting.
Look, the boys have decided, mate.
You're constantly late.
You didn't even rock up to the sound check on the Goldie.
Special circumstances, yeah.
I was having sex with a hostie.
OK, she works for Jetstar, but it still counts.
Look, we're getting too old for this shit, alright? Davo's on dialysis twice a week.
He's had a skin cancer cut out of his neck last Thursday.
His old man keeled over a fortnight ago.
By the way, did you bang his missus? Define missus? As a result of your generosity, we have put 63 children through school, we have provided vaccinations for all of the children under the age of five, and we've established the first local women's netball team in the district.
Unfortunately, the Chang Mai SWAT kats, they haven't been able to win a game this season but they play with such heart and such gusto, um Er, lokah samasta.
(Speaks Sanskrit) Namaste.
AUDIENCE: Namaste.
(Audience continues applauding) # Joannie's got a new pair of jeans # So hot to touch Ooh, you know what I mean # Joannie's got a new pair of jeans So hot to touch Oh, it's kind of obscene, hey-hey! Steve, I've got a million ideas for new cover band names.
I have, yeah.
Bon Jovial.
Like that, hmm? What about Red Hot Harry Peppers? Huh? One Erection? MUM: 180-degrees for 45 minutes, no longer.
Mum, I'm a 45-year-old man! I know how to warm up a bit of moussaka! Oh, yeah, cheeky boy! Yeah, Dave, sorry about that, mate.
So, how's the dialysis going? (Dave hangs up) Davo? Yeah, well, you get ready for the backlash, malakka! You understand? 'Cause I'm announcing it on Facebook today.
'Harry Ganaris leaves Harry and the Blowfish.
' Yeah, take that! # Joannie's got a new pair of jeans Yes, I've got a new pair of jeans Hey-hey (Phone rings) # Joannie's got a new pair of jeans Yes, I've got a new pair of jeans.
Hey-hey! Hello, Matt.
Oh, it's Arjuna now.
Yeah.
I'm never gonna call you that.
It's Matt.
Matt Simons.
This is a joke, right? You're helping the sick and needy? Last time I saw you, you were crying, naked, in a 7-Eleven, doing unspeakable things to a Bubble O' Bill.
Wow, that was, like, two or three lifetimes ago.
(Scoffs) Are you OK, Lizzie? 'Cause your vibe, it's a bit What are you (Gasps) Has that been sore? Nup.
Share a meal with me.
Matt It's Arjuna.
Well, there is the matter of the court order I have against you.
Then why did you come here? Um Well, then, it's a date.
My God! Oh, what did I tell you, eh? That was a Harry Blowfish special.
Yeah! Wow, I needed that.
(Laughs) (Chuckles) Yeah.
(Blows) What's that smell? Hm? (Inhales) (Fire alarm beeps) Oh, no.
I burnt the moussaka! Oh, Lizzie, Lizzie, Lizzie.
I have meditated on this moment for many years now.
I just want to take this opportunity to say something to you, something that's long overdue.
I wanted to say .
.
just thank you.
Really? Not 'sorry'? No.
No, no, no, Lizzie.
My message is one of thanks.
You showed me the light.
'Showed me the light'? Matt, you smashed my windscreen.
You swore at my mother.
And .
.
I'm pretty sure you shat on our doormat.
Yeah, I agree.
It wasn't a good time.
The 7-Eleven - I mean, what happened? Well, you're asking the wrong question, Lizzie.
Am I? Yeah, the more interesting question is, 'What happened next?' Is it? Yeah.
It's hard to believe that from such depths of despair that my destiny would become so vivid.
Was that before or after you shoved a Bubble O' Bill down your pants? That was after.
I so wanted to be David Bowie.
I so wanted to be Paula Abdul.
Yeah.
(Sighs) But, er, maybe we could make that up? Hm! Just give me five minutes to reload, babe.
No, I'm saying now that you're not in Harry and the Blowfish, maybe maybe you could branch out a little.
You know what? I want to start my own cover band.
Tell me which one you like more.
Right.
PowderHarry.
Harryfinger.
Or you could do originals.
Originals? Harry, I know Joannie's Got A New Pair Of Jeans wasn't exactly Ziggy Stardust, but I know you've got it in you.
I think you're a genius, and who's to say you couldn't have an even bigger hit.
I mean, I bet you've got, like, a hundred songs in you.
Yeah, that's where the money is, isn't it? I've got this friend and he's got this night - it's like a singer-songwriter thing.
And it's a really respected industry night.
It's where Pete Murray was discovered.
I can't wait to be discovered.
Yeah, well, I think there's one this week.
Can you really do that for me? Sure.
On one condition.
(Gasps) I kind of like your conditions.
(Laughs) Yeah, any condition! Yeah! You know, Lizzie, when that security guard took me down as I ran from that store, not only did he knock the wind from my guts And dislocating my shoulder, which is a wound that I choose not to remedy.
It's a scar that I'll seek not to heal.
But something happened when I hit that car park pavement.
All the darkness was just pummelled out of me.
And the veil lifted, and I felt this coolness just spread over me.
Yeah.
The Bubble O' Bill had melted in your undies.
Where did you go? You just disappeared.
You know, the day you took the court order out on me, I knew I had to go far, far away.
I'm sorry, Matt.
No, it's Arjuna.
Matt, the court order may have been an overreaction, but Mum was still really upset about the doormat.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I mean, despite a temporary relapse in Bangkok, I headed into the mountains of Chang Mai where I met a monk who worked with the poor and the desolate and I joined him.
And we provided the impoverished with food, water, shelter and the occasional glossy magazine.
Yeah, I lived with Brother Jupati for about seven years and I studied amongst many, many wise sages.
Yeah.
I read Shantaram.
Have you read it? Oprah recommends it.
No.
I've been meaning to.
I work long hours.
It's a beautiful read.
Yeah, no, it's definitely on my list.
You know, if you welcome me back into your life, I can assure you your doormat will never be soiled ever again.
SHARNA: So it starts at eight.
BECS: Is it true you invited Ross and his new girlfriend? Just because he broke off a nine-year engagement and is now expecting twins with a yoga instructor doesn't mean Ross can't be friends with me and my Rock-star boyfriend.
Hey.
HARRY: Bit of room in the back, eh? Chicky, chicky! Yeah.
(Chuckles) Oh, you smell nice.
Love All by Raffa.
Oh.
Yeah, it's, er, very strong.
This is good.
So, Lizzie, you've heard so much about me.
How are you going, Lizzie? Last year, I made more money than my parents did in ten.
Oh, congratulations.
Thank you.
That's fantastic.
That's what you always wanted.
You were always the ambitious one.
My lack of ambition always frustrated you.
It's one of the primary reasons why you broke it off with me.
All I can say, Lizzie, is was it worth it? Well, you I mean, it's not that easy to (Whispers) Lizzie.
When was the last time you smoked a spliff? Hey, Trevy, how are you? Oh, I'm good, good, good.
This is Harry Ganaris.
Hey! You look familiar.
Have you played here before? Yeah.
Harry and the Blowfish.
Yeah, but that was before.
You're Harry now.
Didn't we have to call an ambulance? Davo.
He got stung by a bee.
That's right.
On stage, too.
During Let Her Cry.
Who gets stung by a bee on stage? Davo.
Oh, if there's a bee in the venue, it'll always find Davo.
SHARNA: OK, so there's this buzz and people are talking - the right people are talking about you.
You audition for X Factor.
Wait.
Whoa, whoa.
Hold it right there.
Harry Ganaris does not do reality TV shows.
Why not? Why would I let some ex-boy band manager prick tell me I'm singing for my life, eh? Don't make me laugh.
Fuck those dickheads! I do not do those shows.
You might want to head backstage.
Joint's starting to fill up.
You're on in about ten.
Hey, er, don't forget to spray the stage, huh? Bees.
Only happened once, mate.
It's not an ongoing issue.
Starting to get really nervous.
It's difficult without all the guys around.
Ronnie used to give us a bit of a pep-up talk.
Steve would massage my back, you know.
Shoulders.
And Davo would be Oh, Davo was busy taking his blood-pressure tablets.
Oh.
Do you really think I can do this? Here.
I made you a little something, but open it backstage.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Does it come with batteries? (Chuckles) Harry, they don't want Hootie.
They want Harry.
Now go get discovered.
And there she is! (Laughs) (Laughs) How does that feel? Yeah, pretty good.
Look at you! I can't.
I'm too busy looking at you.
(Both laugh) Do you really believe in all this stuff? You know, the Zen and the karma and the Yin and the Yang and the chanting! Sama-what! (Laughs) And Tantric.
I mean, is that even a real thing or is that just something Sting made up? Oh, no, Lizzie.
That's a very real thing.
Oh! But is this Tantric? Yeah, it's a variation! Is your shirt off? Yeah! Really? 'Cause I can feel some cheesecloth on my back.
(Matt cries out) (Hollers) Oh! Oh! Matt, is this still Tantric? Yeah! Why not? I can still feel your shirt.
Oh! Ohhh! (Hollers) (Matt cries out) Oh! Oh, maybe take your shirt off.
No, no, no.
Shirt on.
Is that Tantric, Matty? Yeah, shirt on is Tantric.
Ohhh! Ahhh! And by the way, my name's Arjuna-aah-aah-aah! Someone's here.
Is someone else here? Yep.
Why are we even here? It's important to Sharna, and she just called out of the blue and invited us.
She just wants to show off her new bloke.
Well, I get to show you off too, don't I? Hm, come on.
Please, just for me.
Just pretend to have a good time.
Hi! Hi, Sharna! Hello, Ross.
How are you? And hi Hi! Oh, Amy, sorry.
Amy, this is Sharna.
Sharna.
Um, my God! Ross never said how pretty you are! Ross, she is so pretty.
So, this is, er this is exciting.
Yeah.
You and Harry, you're back together? Back together? Oh, that's very funny.
It's not like we're in high school or anything, but, sure, why not - we're 'going together' if you're into labels and all that.
So, yeah, Harry, he's got this new song and, well, there's a fair bit of buzz about it, actually, yeah.
What's it called? Um, it's it's a surprise.
Harry swore me to secrecy.
What's the vibe? Like, Arctic Monkeys or The Black Keys? No, no, no, no, it's more, um .
.
you know, if The Beatles were making music again and Bob Dylan wrote them a song.
And Bono.
Yeah, it's a real social comment.
Wow.
Wow.
That sounds amazing.
Yeah.
No pressure.
(Laughs) I'm sure it'll be great.
Yeah.
Hey, Sandy, it's Lizzie.
I won't be coming in today.
Something's come up.
Can you cancel my one o'clock with the Campbell Group? Yeah, I know, but this is important.
Yeah, no, no.
I'm good.
I'm really good.
OK, ta.
Bye.
Hello! Wakey-wakey! (Giggles) What the fuck?! What is it? What you on about? What the fuck is that on your back? Oh, shit! It's not what you think! Really? Because I think it looks like a tattoo of me being .
.
by an elephant! Lizzie, well, I was still angry at you! I told you about my Bangkok relapse.
I'd come out of a full-moon party and drank some unlabelled Thai whiskey with some Red Bull and Why would you want an elephant to do that to me? My pelvic floor wouldn't survive that! Do you know how much that would hurt? Oh, Lizzie, please! I would literally never sit down again, even on an ergonomic chair! Lizzie, this is not a part of me.
This is not who I am! It is a part of you, Matt.
It's all over your back! Lizzie, please! No, I can't believe I did this.
Lizzie! OK, now, look, our next performer has been performing other people's songs in cover bands for 20-odd years.
But he's finally seen the light.
Please welcome to the stage, the artist formerly known as Harry G.
Here he is - Harry Ganaris! (Applause, cheering) Thank you.
Hello.
Sorry.
I'm a little bit nervous tonight.
It's the first time up here without the rest of my band .
.
Harry and the Blowfish.
I'm Harry.
This is only the second song I've written, believe it or not.
Er, and I'd like to dedicate it to a very special lady.
Put your hand up, Sharna Moon.
Come on! (Cheering, applause) If it wasn't for her, I would not be here tonight.
This is all 'cause of you.
Love ya.
WOMAN: Whoo! Let's get started, eh? Here we go.
(Taps dance beat with feet) # Am I the only one getting hot in here # I feel the temperature rising # Well, it looks like somebody's about to go down # Down, down # Into my # Dutch oven, Dutch oven # Feel my heat when you're stuck under the sheet # Dutch oven, Dutch oven # There is no relief under a fitted sheet # Dutch oven, Dutch oven # When you're stuck down in a corner it feels like you're in a sauna # Dutch oven, Dutch oven # If you want to be my lover, then get under my cover Dutch oven, Dutch oven Lizzie! No, Matt! Listen, I've been meaning to get it lasered off for years.
I'm gonna get it done today because I felt something last night and I know you did too.
That wasn't Tantric sex last night, was it? No.
No, no, no, it was.
And it was you, it was me.
Look, I know you felt the same thing as I did last night.
And if I'm wrong, then just tell me that I'm wrong.
(Gasps) Oh Oh, why did it have to be an elephant? (Weeps) Lizzie! # Dutch oven # If you want it soon and be a prisoner under my doona # Dutch oven # Oh, Dutch oven # Dutch oven # I'm not naive I know you can't breathe Dutch oven.
Thank you! (Scattered applause) Yeah! Whoo! Thanks, mate.
Wow.
That's Harry G.
HARRY: Ganaris, Ganaris! Ganaris.
Look, er, I think we all need a bit of a break after that.
But please stay.
I mean, I I can see, like, you know, where he's coming from.
I mean, it's it's yeah, it's, like, about, you know, the .
.
suffocating nature of oppression and and politics and .
.
and stuff.
Excuse me.
I can (Chuckles) Hey.
What was that? You made me do this.
And now we've got a hit on our hands! What? Huh? What a rush.
Let me tell you, I could not have done this without you convincing me.
Huh? Am I the only one getting hot in here? If you'd like to take a look at these summaries Excuse me, Lizzie.
Sorry to interrupt.
Not a good time, Sandy.
There's a man in Thai fisherman pants and a cheesecloth shirt asking for you.
Usually I wouldn't let him in, but he said that you had Tantric s Sandy thank you for this.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
His back is bleeding profusely.
Are you guys right for biscuits? What are you talking about? Dutch Oven - is this the masterpiece you've been working on all this time? Shit.
I knew you wouldn't get it.
Look, I'm sorry.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Is it about governments or oppression or No, you idiot, it's about farting on someone's head underneath the doona.
You inspired it.
I inspired it? Yeah, when you came over the other night for the booty call, remember? I Dutched you that night.
I'm sorry, Harry, but it was awful.
It was like Right Said Fred if Right Said Fred suffered dual head knocks.
H-h-h-hang on! Are you calling me a rip-off artist? Oh, Jesus, Harry, you don't even understand insults! Listen to who's talking over here, eh? What about the candles? You think candles are a new thing? They've been around, like, for hundreds of years.
There was one when Jesus was born! Harry You know what - how could you do this to me? How could you do this to me, eh? You don't get it, do you? This was meant to be amazing.
I thought you would be amazed.
I didn't think you were going to be like one of those .
.
one of those fucking judges on The X Factor.
Oh, Sharna, you made me believe in myself.
What a shitty thing to do.
We were supposed to be going home now and have amazing victory sex.
Instead, I'm going home to have an angry wank! Put that on one of your candles.
What have you gone and done? Well, I wanted to show you that I was serious.
I got it changed.
Go on, take a look.
(Groans) See? See how the elephant, he's not doing you from behind anymore.
He's protecting me.
That's right.
Wow.
That's beautiful.
(Groans) Lizzie .
.
I believe in us.
You've awoken a spirit, and when the spirit is this alive and this strong, then it's our destiny to pursue it.
Oh, last night was amazing.
And I did feel like my old self a little.
And I won't deny that felt good.
And I can see you have changed.
Oh, God, this is crazy.
I think I'm about to agree Lizzie.
Lizzie.
You make me so happy.
And I do understand that there's a few things that you need to do here to to tie up the loose ends.
But when you do resign, we'll move to Chang Mai and we'll live with Brother Jupati, and we'll wash the feet of the poor, and we'll hand-feed rice to the lepers, and the Chang Mai SWAT Kats, they do need a taller goal defence, and it'd be perfect for you.
I mean, you're quite tall for a woman.
And I assure you that the feeling that you get will be infinitely more powerful than anything that you read on a profit sheet.
Do you feel the power of our love is invincible? Yep.
Yep.
Tonight, I'll cook us a dal curry.
And then maybe we can pick up where we left off last night.
I'll wait for you in the foyer.
Oh, no, Matt.
You don't have to wait for me.
I've got a full day's work ahead.
Yes, and we've got the rest of our lives to catch up on.
Mm.
I can wait.
Namaste.
OK.
Oh.
Hello, Security? Amber, come and lay Ugh! Amber, come and lie Ah! Namaste! GUARD: Whooshka! (Matt groans) Oh, my shoulder! A wedding? Bit of a big deal, isn't it?
Yeah, got a call coming through from London at ten.
I've got a call coming through, too.
From Snack Town in about two-and-a-half minutes.
Oh.
Oh, I see the staff rugby game's coming up.
I know.
They changed it to touch rugby this year.
No tackling.
The boys in Security are ropeable.
Our team name was the Whooshkas 'cause when we tackle we yell, 'Whooshka!' When are we going to yell whooshka now? What the hell? Have you seen this? Well, he looks like a cool dude.
Arjuna.
No, not Arjuna.
His name is Matt Simons and he is not a cool dude.
And he is definitely not full of love and light.
He's full We were together, but it got messy.
Court order kind of messy.
If the girl I loved took out a court order on me, I'd still find a way for us to be together somehow.
I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.
(Microwave beeps) Mm.
BEC: She's twerking.
Well, that's how girls with low self-esteem dance these days.
Yeah, yeah.
I know what twerking is, Becs.
I was a bit of a dancer back in the day.
I was even in a video clip.
It got to number 38.
And, er, it was played on Video Smash Hits.
Were you famous? Well, I wouldn't exactly say famous, but, you know, I was recognised down at Woollies once.
Really? Are you going on a hot date? No, a booty call.
You know a booty call? I message my ex and I go over there and we Yeah, yeah.
I know what a booty call is.
You should do one.
It's empowering.
Yeah, and who's gonna want to booty call with me? Just message your ex on Facebook or something.
Nobody too recent.
Just, like, you know an old flame or the one that got away.
And then take a selfie in bed together, send to your ex-fiance, and tell him to suck it! And then practise this.
Twerk.
Mm.
(Chuckles) Love you.
Yeah.
Me too.
(Vacuum cleaner whines) Ronnie, it's Harry and the Blowfish, mate.
Without me, it's just the Blowfish.
Harry Harry, look, we've been talking.
Oh, hi, Ronnie.
Yeah, hi.
Er, Mum, can you give us a little bit of room, please? We're having a band meeting.
Look, the boys have decided, mate.
You're constantly late.
You didn't even rock up to the sound check on the Goldie.
Special circumstances, yeah.
I was having sex with a hostie.
OK, she works for Jetstar, but it still counts.
Look, we're getting too old for this shit, alright? Davo's on dialysis twice a week.
He's had a skin cancer cut out of his neck last Thursday.
His old man keeled over a fortnight ago.
By the way, did you bang his missus? Define missus? As a result of your generosity, we have put 63 children through school, we have provided vaccinations for all of the children under the age of five, and we've established the first local women's netball team in the district.
Unfortunately, the Chang Mai SWAT kats, they haven't been able to win a game this season but they play with such heart and such gusto, um Er, lokah samasta.
(Speaks Sanskrit) Namaste.
AUDIENCE: Namaste.
(Audience continues applauding) # Joannie's got a new pair of jeans # So hot to touch Ooh, you know what I mean # Joannie's got a new pair of jeans So hot to touch Oh, it's kind of obscene, hey-hey! Steve, I've got a million ideas for new cover band names.
I have, yeah.
Bon Jovial.
Like that, hmm? What about Red Hot Harry Peppers? Huh? One Erection? MUM: 180-degrees for 45 minutes, no longer.
Mum, I'm a 45-year-old man! I know how to warm up a bit of moussaka! Oh, yeah, cheeky boy! Yeah, Dave, sorry about that, mate.
So, how's the dialysis going? (Dave hangs up) Davo? Yeah, well, you get ready for the backlash, malakka! You understand? 'Cause I'm announcing it on Facebook today.
'Harry Ganaris leaves Harry and the Blowfish.
' Yeah, take that! # Joannie's got a new pair of jeans Yes, I've got a new pair of jeans Hey-hey (Phone rings) # Joannie's got a new pair of jeans Yes, I've got a new pair of jeans.
Hey-hey! Hello, Matt.
Oh, it's Arjuna now.
Yeah.
I'm never gonna call you that.
It's Matt.
Matt Simons.
This is a joke, right? You're helping the sick and needy? Last time I saw you, you were crying, naked, in a 7-Eleven, doing unspeakable things to a Bubble O' Bill.
Wow, that was, like, two or three lifetimes ago.
(Scoffs) Are you OK, Lizzie? 'Cause your vibe, it's a bit What are you (Gasps) Has that been sore? Nup.
Share a meal with me.
Matt It's Arjuna.
Well, there is the matter of the court order I have against you.
Then why did you come here? Um Well, then, it's a date.
My God! Oh, what did I tell you, eh? That was a Harry Blowfish special.
Yeah! Wow, I needed that.
(Laughs) (Chuckles) Yeah.
(Blows) What's that smell? Hm? (Inhales) (Fire alarm beeps) Oh, no.
I burnt the moussaka! Oh, Lizzie, Lizzie, Lizzie.
I have meditated on this moment for many years now.
I just want to take this opportunity to say something to you, something that's long overdue.
I wanted to say .
.
just thank you.
Really? Not 'sorry'? No.
No, no, no, Lizzie.
My message is one of thanks.
You showed me the light.
'Showed me the light'? Matt, you smashed my windscreen.
You swore at my mother.
And .
.
I'm pretty sure you shat on our doormat.
Yeah, I agree.
It wasn't a good time.
The 7-Eleven - I mean, what happened? Well, you're asking the wrong question, Lizzie.
Am I? Yeah, the more interesting question is, 'What happened next?' Is it? Yeah.
It's hard to believe that from such depths of despair that my destiny would become so vivid.
Was that before or after you shoved a Bubble O' Bill down your pants? That was after.
I so wanted to be David Bowie.
I so wanted to be Paula Abdul.
Yeah.
(Sighs) But, er, maybe we could make that up? Hm! Just give me five minutes to reload, babe.
No, I'm saying now that you're not in Harry and the Blowfish, maybe maybe you could branch out a little.
You know what? I want to start my own cover band.
Tell me which one you like more.
Right.
PowderHarry.
Harryfinger.
Or you could do originals.
Originals? Harry, I know Joannie's Got A New Pair Of Jeans wasn't exactly Ziggy Stardust, but I know you've got it in you.
I think you're a genius, and who's to say you couldn't have an even bigger hit.
I mean, I bet you've got, like, a hundred songs in you.
Yeah, that's where the money is, isn't it? I've got this friend and he's got this night - it's like a singer-songwriter thing.
And it's a really respected industry night.
It's where Pete Murray was discovered.
I can't wait to be discovered.
Yeah, well, I think there's one this week.
Can you really do that for me? Sure.
On one condition.
(Gasps) I kind of like your conditions.
(Laughs) Yeah, any condition! Yeah! You know, Lizzie, when that security guard took me down as I ran from that store, not only did he knock the wind from my guts And dislocating my shoulder, which is a wound that I choose not to remedy.
It's a scar that I'll seek not to heal.
But something happened when I hit that car park pavement.
All the darkness was just pummelled out of me.
And the veil lifted, and I felt this coolness just spread over me.
Yeah.
The Bubble O' Bill had melted in your undies.
Where did you go? You just disappeared.
You know, the day you took the court order out on me, I knew I had to go far, far away.
I'm sorry, Matt.
No, it's Arjuna.
Matt, the court order may have been an overreaction, but Mum was still really upset about the doormat.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I mean, despite a temporary relapse in Bangkok, I headed into the mountains of Chang Mai where I met a monk who worked with the poor and the desolate and I joined him.
And we provided the impoverished with food, water, shelter and the occasional glossy magazine.
Yeah, I lived with Brother Jupati for about seven years and I studied amongst many, many wise sages.
Yeah.
I read Shantaram.
Have you read it? Oprah recommends it.
No.
I've been meaning to.
I work long hours.
It's a beautiful read.
Yeah, no, it's definitely on my list.
You know, if you welcome me back into your life, I can assure you your doormat will never be soiled ever again.
SHARNA: So it starts at eight.
BECS: Is it true you invited Ross and his new girlfriend? Just because he broke off a nine-year engagement and is now expecting twins with a yoga instructor doesn't mean Ross can't be friends with me and my Rock-star boyfriend.
Hey.
HARRY: Bit of room in the back, eh? Chicky, chicky! Yeah.
(Chuckles) Oh, you smell nice.
Love All by Raffa.
Oh.
Yeah, it's, er, very strong.
This is good.
So, Lizzie, you've heard so much about me.
How are you going, Lizzie? Last year, I made more money than my parents did in ten.
Oh, congratulations.
Thank you.
That's fantastic.
That's what you always wanted.
You were always the ambitious one.
My lack of ambition always frustrated you.
It's one of the primary reasons why you broke it off with me.
All I can say, Lizzie, is was it worth it? Well, you I mean, it's not that easy to (Whispers) Lizzie.
When was the last time you smoked a spliff? Hey, Trevy, how are you? Oh, I'm good, good, good.
This is Harry Ganaris.
Hey! You look familiar.
Have you played here before? Yeah.
Harry and the Blowfish.
Yeah, but that was before.
You're Harry now.
Didn't we have to call an ambulance? Davo.
He got stung by a bee.
That's right.
On stage, too.
During Let Her Cry.
Who gets stung by a bee on stage? Davo.
Oh, if there's a bee in the venue, it'll always find Davo.
SHARNA: OK, so there's this buzz and people are talking - the right people are talking about you.
You audition for X Factor.
Wait.
Whoa, whoa.
Hold it right there.
Harry Ganaris does not do reality TV shows.
Why not? Why would I let some ex-boy band manager prick tell me I'm singing for my life, eh? Don't make me laugh.
Fuck those dickheads! I do not do those shows.
You might want to head backstage.
Joint's starting to fill up.
You're on in about ten.
Hey, er, don't forget to spray the stage, huh? Bees.
Only happened once, mate.
It's not an ongoing issue.
Starting to get really nervous.
It's difficult without all the guys around.
Ronnie used to give us a bit of a pep-up talk.
Steve would massage my back, you know.
Shoulders.
And Davo would be Oh, Davo was busy taking his blood-pressure tablets.
Oh.
Do you really think I can do this? Here.
I made you a little something, but open it backstage.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Does it come with batteries? (Chuckles) Harry, they don't want Hootie.
They want Harry.
Now go get discovered.
And there she is! (Laughs) (Laughs) How does that feel? Yeah, pretty good.
Look at you! I can't.
I'm too busy looking at you.
(Both laugh) Do you really believe in all this stuff? You know, the Zen and the karma and the Yin and the Yang and the chanting! Sama-what! (Laughs) And Tantric.
I mean, is that even a real thing or is that just something Sting made up? Oh, no, Lizzie.
That's a very real thing.
Oh! But is this Tantric? Yeah, it's a variation! Is your shirt off? Yeah! Really? 'Cause I can feel some cheesecloth on my back.
(Matt cries out) (Hollers) Oh! Oh! Matt, is this still Tantric? Yeah! Why not? I can still feel your shirt.
Oh! Ohhh! (Hollers) (Matt cries out) Oh! Oh, maybe take your shirt off.
No, no, no.
Shirt on.
Is that Tantric, Matty? Yeah, shirt on is Tantric.
Ohhh! Ahhh! And by the way, my name's Arjuna-aah-aah-aah! Someone's here.
Is someone else here? Yep.
Why are we even here? It's important to Sharna, and she just called out of the blue and invited us.
She just wants to show off her new bloke.
Well, I get to show you off too, don't I? Hm, come on.
Please, just for me.
Just pretend to have a good time.
Hi! Hi, Sharna! Hello, Ross.
How are you? And hi Hi! Oh, Amy, sorry.
Amy, this is Sharna.
Sharna.
Um, my God! Ross never said how pretty you are! Ross, she is so pretty.
So, this is, er this is exciting.
Yeah.
You and Harry, you're back together? Back together? Oh, that's very funny.
It's not like we're in high school or anything, but, sure, why not - we're 'going together' if you're into labels and all that.
So, yeah, Harry, he's got this new song and, well, there's a fair bit of buzz about it, actually, yeah.
What's it called? Um, it's it's a surprise.
Harry swore me to secrecy.
What's the vibe? Like, Arctic Monkeys or The Black Keys? No, no, no, no, it's more, um .
.
you know, if The Beatles were making music again and Bob Dylan wrote them a song.
And Bono.
Yeah, it's a real social comment.
Wow.
Wow.
That sounds amazing.
Yeah.
No pressure.
(Laughs) I'm sure it'll be great.
Yeah.
Hey, Sandy, it's Lizzie.
I won't be coming in today.
Something's come up.
Can you cancel my one o'clock with the Campbell Group? Yeah, I know, but this is important.
Yeah, no, no.
I'm good.
I'm really good.
OK, ta.
Bye.
Hello! Wakey-wakey! (Giggles) What the fuck?! What is it? What you on about? What the fuck is that on your back? Oh, shit! It's not what you think! Really? Because I think it looks like a tattoo of me being .
.
by an elephant! Lizzie, well, I was still angry at you! I told you about my Bangkok relapse.
I'd come out of a full-moon party and drank some unlabelled Thai whiskey with some Red Bull and Why would you want an elephant to do that to me? My pelvic floor wouldn't survive that! Do you know how much that would hurt? Oh, Lizzie, please! I would literally never sit down again, even on an ergonomic chair! Lizzie, this is not a part of me.
This is not who I am! It is a part of you, Matt.
It's all over your back! Lizzie, please! No, I can't believe I did this.
Lizzie! OK, now, look, our next performer has been performing other people's songs in cover bands for 20-odd years.
But he's finally seen the light.
Please welcome to the stage, the artist formerly known as Harry G.
Here he is - Harry Ganaris! (Applause, cheering) Thank you.
Hello.
Sorry.
I'm a little bit nervous tonight.
It's the first time up here without the rest of my band .
.
Harry and the Blowfish.
I'm Harry.
This is only the second song I've written, believe it or not.
Er, and I'd like to dedicate it to a very special lady.
Put your hand up, Sharna Moon.
Come on! (Cheering, applause) If it wasn't for her, I would not be here tonight.
This is all 'cause of you.
Love ya.
WOMAN: Whoo! Let's get started, eh? Here we go.
(Taps dance beat with feet) # Am I the only one getting hot in here # I feel the temperature rising # Well, it looks like somebody's about to go down # Down, down # Into my # Dutch oven, Dutch oven # Feel my heat when you're stuck under the sheet # Dutch oven, Dutch oven # There is no relief under a fitted sheet # Dutch oven, Dutch oven # When you're stuck down in a corner it feels like you're in a sauna # Dutch oven, Dutch oven # If you want to be my lover, then get under my cover Dutch oven, Dutch oven Lizzie! No, Matt! Listen, I've been meaning to get it lasered off for years.
I'm gonna get it done today because I felt something last night and I know you did too.
That wasn't Tantric sex last night, was it? No.
No, no, no, it was.
And it was you, it was me.
Look, I know you felt the same thing as I did last night.
And if I'm wrong, then just tell me that I'm wrong.
(Gasps) Oh Oh, why did it have to be an elephant? (Weeps) Lizzie! # Dutch oven # If you want it soon and be a prisoner under my doona # Dutch oven # Oh, Dutch oven # Dutch oven # I'm not naive I know you can't breathe Dutch oven.
Thank you! (Scattered applause) Yeah! Whoo! Thanks, mate.
Wow.
That's Harry G.
HARRY: Ganaris, Ganaris! Ganaris.
Look, er, I think we all need a bit of a break after that.
But please stay.
I mean, I I can see, like, you know, where he's coming from.
I mean, it's it's yeah, it's, like, about, you know, the .
.
suffocating nature of oppression and and politics and .
.
and stuff.
Excuse me.
I can (Chuckles) Hey.
What was that? You made me do this.
And now we've got a hit on our hands! What? Huh? What a rush.
Let me tell you, I could not have done this without you convincing me.
Huh? Am I the only one getting hot in here? If you'd like to take a look at these summaries Excuse me, Lizzie.
Sorry to interrupt.
Not a good time, Sandy.
There's a man in Thai fisherman pants and a cheesecloth shirt asking for you.
Usually I wouldn't let him in, but he said that you had Tantric s Sandy thank you for this.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
His back is bleeding profusely.
Are you guys right for biscuits? What are you talking about? Dutch Oven - is this the masterpiece you've been working on all this time? Shit.
I knew you wouldn't get it.
Look, I'm sorry.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Is it about governments or oppression or No, you idiot, it's about farting on someone's head underneath the doona.
You inspired it.
I inspired it? Yeah, when you came over the other night for the booty call, remember? I Dutched you that night.
I'm sorry, Harry, but it was awful.
It was like Right Said Fred if Right Said Fred suffered dual head knocks.
H-h-h-hang on! Are you calling me a rip-off artist? Oh, Jesus, Harry, you don't even understand insults! Listen to who's talking over here, eh? What about the candles? You think candles are a new thing? They've been around, like, for hundreds of years.
There was one when Jesus was born! Harry You know what - how could you do this to me? How could you do this to me, eh? You don't get it, do you? This was meant to be amazing.
I thought you would be amazed.
I didn't think you were going to be like one of those .
.
one of those fucking judges on The X Factor.
Oh, Sharna, you made me believe in myself.
What a shitty thing to do.
We were supposed to be going home now and have amazing victory sex.
Instead, I'm going home to have an angry wank! Put that on one of your candles.
What have you gone and done? Well, I wanted to show you that I was serious.
I got it changed.
Go on, take a look.
(Groans) See? See how the elephant, he's not doing you from behind anymore.
He's protecting me.
That's right.
Wow.
That's beautiful.
(Groans) Lizzie .
.
I believe in us.
You've awoken a spirit, and when the spirit is this alive and this strong, then it's our destiny to pursue it.
Oh, last night was amazing.
And I did feel like my old self a little.
And I won't deny that felt good.
And I can see you have changed.
Oh, God, this is crazy.
I think I'm about to agree Lizzie.
Lizzie.
You make me so happy.
And I do understand that there's a few things that you need to do here to to tie up the loose ends.
But when you do resign, we'll move to Chang Mai and we'll live with Brother Jupati, and we'll wash the feet of the poor, and we'll hand-feed rice to the lepers, and the Chang Mai SWAT Kats, they do need a taller goal defence, and it'd be perfect for you.
I mean, you're quite tall for a woman.
And I assure you that the feeling that you get will be infinitely more powerful than anything that you read on a profit sheet.
Do you feel the power of our love is invincible? Yep.
Yep.
Tonight, I'll cook us a dal curry.
And then maybe we can pick up where we left off last night.
I'll wait for you in the foyer.
Oh, no, Matt.
You don't have to wait for me.
I've got a full day's work ahead.
Yes, and we've got the rest of our lives to catch up on.
Mm.
I can wait.
Namaste.
OK.
Oh.
Hello, Security? Amber, come and lay Ugh! Amber, come and lie Ah! Namaste! GUARD: Whooshka! (Matt groans) Oh, my shoulder! A wedding? Bit of a big deal, isn't it?