Kevin Can F*** Himself (2021) s02e07 Episode Script

1
Think after several decades you'd
be just a little bit better at this.
No! We're banned for life.
This whole thing is weird and stupid.
You really don't need to
worry about that anymore.
You remember my partner Bram?
He asked me to plant
evidence for him once.
And everybody knew.
This is Patti at a gas station
in Vermont.
I know she's wrapped
up in something bad.
Sam, I don't want to leave.
What? Your great life here?
- Yeah.
- I mean, Tammy
She is a problem.
But now I know how to
take care of my problems.
I introduce them to Kevin.
You tried to kill Kevin.
Hey.
You wanna hear a crazy story?
Hey, Kev, I forgot to
tell you I, um
I talked to Tammy about that
fire that caused the blackout.
And she agreed with me and
said it looked suspicious
and that she'd look into it.
Tammy said arsonists can do
some pretty serious prison time.
Don't you feel safer now
that she's on the case?
No. No, not at all.
Uh
uh
Ah.
Babe, I've got a confession to make.
And I think you should sit down.
I'm lying down.
Right. Uh, guess I should lie down, too.
Um
I started that fire.
What?
What fire?
Not Not the one that
caused the blackout.
Yeah. That fire.
I also started two
other pretty big ones,
but that's the main one
for this conversation.
Oh, this is not good.
Tammy's a great detective.
Have you heard of the
Butcher of South Worcester?
- No.
- No one has.
Tammy caught him before he
could even start butchering.
Good Lord.
It's shocking that she's
not higher up on the force.
I bet she's hiding something
weird on her record.
She's good.
She's not gonna rest
until the arsonist
Well, you, I guess is behind bars.
Oh! What are we gonna do?
I guess I'm gonna have to take on Tammy.
Get her over here on my
turf and work my magic.
Hey. It's late, what are you doing?
Well, a plan as important
as this can't wait.
I got to jump into action, get serious.
So you're going to the bar.
Well, there's a reason
that "drinkin'" rhymes
with "thinkin'."
It's because I'm good at both.
Don't worry, babe.
Kev-o's on this!
Sleep tight!
Okay.
Okay.
Whoa.
You doing yoga or something?
What?
Oh, no, I'm just trying clear my head.
Sorry.
Why are you sorry?
No, I'm not I'm not sorry.
I just I don't know what I'm saying.
I haven't slept in two days.
Because you're just so excited to die?
No. 'Cause I feel like
I forgot something.
What'd you forget?
Well, if I knew, I'd be able to sleep.
Like, I feel like I dropped something
and I feel it next to me.
And I'm trying to figure
out what it is, and I'm
I'm lying there wide
awake just convinced
if I don't pick it up, something
terrible's gonna happen.
You know what I mean?
That you
dropped something?
See? I'm not making
any sense. I'm sorry.
No, I'm not sorry. I'm not
I'm not sorry.
- I
- Hey.
It's okay.
It's okay.
So, you can't sleep either?
I haven't slept since I watched
"The NeverEnding Story."
Ugh.
No, this is pretty
much every night for me.
God, that sucks.
I like this time of night.
It's quiet.
Usually.
But, hey, maybe now
you can get some sleep.
You know what you dropped.
I have been on the receiving
end of his bullshit for 15 years.
Why can't I just once
have it work for me?
Well, you can, but have it work for you
so that Kevin gets you
a new vacuum or something.
- A vacuum?
- No.
Is that what you think a woman
should get out of her marriages?
No, that's not what I think a woman
should get out of her marriage.
No, that was stupid.
But I'm not sure you get
moral high ground here.
You know, you are about
to ruin another woman.
I'm not ruining Tammy. Kevin is.
Yeah, because you're pushing him to.
No. I'm just nudging in a direction.
And after that Who knows?
You know how it'll end.
Okay. Can't we j
Focus on pulling your weight here, okay?
Yeah.
I'm losing faith.
Is it possible that
this makes my apartment
- even more depressing?
- No.
This makes your apartment depressing.
This is festive, okay?
I have a vision.
Allison
if Kevin's decided Tammy's a problem,
she won't be a cop in three days.
Okay, well, maybe she
shouldn't be a cop.
She planted evidence for her partner.
Maybe she's asking for
what's coming to her.
But she's Patty's girlfriend.
Well, maybe Patty deserves better.
- Allison
- Sam!
This is how I stay.
Okay.
I just want to make
sure you're still you
on the other side of it.
I know what I'm doing.
Okay, I know I still got something.
- Thanks, D.
- Yeah.
Sleeping pills, anti "anxiety" pills
And good old pain killers.
But those will knock you right out.
Yeah, well, I'll take
anything at this point, so
- Thank you.
- Take 'em.
Insomnia is no joke.
Dr. Gaetz put me on
just about everything
when I wasn't sleeping
those couple of months.
And did uh, did any of them work?
Well, what worked was me making Chuck
buy a mattress that wasn't 45 years old.
You up all night
thinking about something?
Uh, vacation, stuff like that?
Yeah.
Stuff like that.
Okay.
Well, I'm I'm here, you know.
As long as you need.
Thanks, D.
I don't deserve it.
Hey.
Sure you do.
You warned me about Neil, huh?
Should've listened
to you the first time.
Eh, I spent Chuck's block party savings
bailing him out a couple of nights ago.
You bailed him out? I, uh
I thought he was supposed to be
stuck in there for the weekend.
He probably should be.
I I took him home,
and he kept drinking.
Barely even looked at me.
Eventually he just got fed up
and then he stormed
out of his own place.
I I haven't heard from him since.
Mm. Yeah.
Allison, I'm I'm trying
really hard not to care
but but I kind of
think he's losing it.
What do you mean?
He kept talking about
this crazy story he had.
I mean, it was it
was It was really awful.
I wouldn't even wanna repeat it.
I know that all marriages have problems.
Mm-hmm.
But what Neil said you did to Kevin?
I I'm I'm starting to think
that he should be in a padded
room in Danvers
and not in a jail cell.
Hang on!
Neil.
- What?
- Neil. The thing I dropped.
The thing that's about
to blow up it's Neil.
Shocker, but my brilliant plan of
"hope he approaches this rationally"
isn't working.
What do you mean?
Isn't he sweating out red
wine in the drunk tank?
- Nope.
- Wait
- Nope, nope, nope.
- What?
He was bailed out days ago
He hasn't been home yet?
No. Did Kevin bail him out?
No, Diane did.
Diane.
Diane, like your aunt?
Yeah they're They're
They're seeing each other.
Seeing each other.
Like because he's at the
package store all the time?
Mm. No. Because they meet
up at Worcester View Suites
to have sex.
What? Since when?
Well, I Like a month or so.
And you knew this but didn't tell me?
I thought it was over, okay?
Anyway, Diane bailed him out.
She doesn't know where he is.
He's probably wandering
around the streets
of Worcester, drunk
Is he okay?
Oh. Hey, Tammy. Sorry, I
didn't know you were here.
Oh, nothing to be sorry about.
- Do you want me to help find him?
- No.
No. Well, what you said before
You know, he needs to learn
how to take care of himself.
Yeah, yes.
He's got to figure
this one out on his own.
I-I can't do this anymore.
Are you sure?
He's an adult.
Okay. Well, uh, stay strong.
I'm gonna get out of here
and leave you two alone.
I'm heading out, actually.
I'll walk out with you.
- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.
Milady.
Hey.
You think Neil's
actually gonna be alright?
Uh, I think he's capable of more
than people give him credit for.
Uh, your husband asked me
to come by your place
when he gets off work.
You have any idea what that's about?
Kevin? I never really know with him.
Sorry.
Hey, it's Ridgeway.
Can you give me a heads-up
if anyone comes in
by the name of Neil O'Connor?
- What?
- Patty.
Uh, I have to go find Neil.
Just call me back,
and I'll explain, okay?
I just saw you. Why Why
didn't you pick up the phone?
You okay?
Neil?
Hey, Dad! Congratulations!
I see that growth on
your arm disappeared!
What? I didn't have a growth on my arm.
Sure you did, her name was Lorraine.
Did you guys break up?
I mean
did you guys break up?
No, we did not break up.
She just doesn't love
coming around here.
Oh. Great.
Ah, that must be Tammy.
Alright, you want an arsonist?
I'll give you an arsonist.
Scram, old man!
"Entree-voo sivoo plate."
Welcome to my Sherlock "home,"
Detective.
Can I offer you a water?
Sure, thanks.
Here's the thing I
didn't expect you to say yes,
so I don't have any water available.
Touché.
I have things to do.
What do you need, Kevin?
Here's the thing
I've been thinking about
all this "arson" stuff
that Allison mentioned,
and I've decided to
help my Boys in Blue.
And Girls! Girls can wear blue, too.
You must have a point.
Not only do I have a point,
Detective, I have a culprit.
The real man who started that fire
My foreigner neighbor who loves soccer!
That's a photo of your
neighbor taking out the trash.
Trust me, he's a baaad banana.
I know the neighbor
you're talking about.
Bad banana, right?
He doesn't fit the profile.
An arsonist is usually low intelligence,
completely socially
inadequate, a real loser.
That's not true!
I mean, our neighbor
is not like that at all.
I agree. Ah.
Don't worry, Kevin. We'll find the guy.
We'll make it a priority.
I promise.
Alright, Tammy, you wanna play hardball?
I can play hardball.
What's that, son?
Can you not interrupt
me when I'm acting like
I'm in a cool movie scene for once?!
Ugh!
Oh, sh Sh
Can I help you?
- Hello?
- Hi.
You lose your room key again?
Uh, no. I don't have a room here.
Are you sure?
Yeah. Yes.
Huh. Okay.
Uh, it's $20 an hour, $80 for the night.
Uh, no, uh, I don't want a room.
I'm I'm looking for a friend.
Uh, Neil O'Connor?
He has shorter hair now.
He comes with Diane McAntee.
Kind of an odd couple.
I thought they were kinda cute.
Okay, so you you know them.
Uh, is he here?
Hmm. Okay.
Okay, what?
Nothing.
Wh What just What
just happened to you?
Look, telling you if he's
here is against motel code.
"Motel code"?
Of conduct.
As a general rule,
I don't rat out anyone's husbands.
- Or wives.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
He's not my husband. Or boyfriend.
God, um, no. I am
I'm worried about him.
Really w Really
worried. So, can you, um
Can you please just
tell me if he's here?
I guess I'd have to worry,
too, if your "buddy" was here.
But, no, he's not.
I think they were in here
last week, but that's it.
Thank you.
I'm assuming Neil's not here?
Uh, no.
- You're
- Yup.
Same as you. Of course.
That's, uh That's really nice of you.
You don't have to do that,
though. 'Cause I'm happy to.
I I checked the Seas. Rosetti's.
And I checked the
hospital, the drunk tank,
and the gazebo behind the library
where he likes to smoke weed.
Well, I guess neither of us listen
when Patty said she didn't want help.
Hm. Well, Patty doesn't always
know what's best for her.
Come on. You're not gonna say
that that's not fair to her
or I really don't know her?
Nope.
Allison, I told you to back off.
You instigate, and you
got her into this shit.
And you're only thinking about yourself.
Now, you might not be on that video
but I feel like you were
right there next to her.
What, you're not gonna say anything?
I just don't think I can say anything
right to you at this point.
What?
Whoa. You cleaned.
Yeah. I had to do something.
I saw the light. I thought it was him.
- Is he still not
- No.
Patty, we have to find him.
He's like a live grenade
running around town.
He told Diane everything.
He was wasted, so she didn't
believe him, but we got lucky.
Tammy's looking for him.
She is? I told her not to.
Well, it's Tammy, alright?
Jesus, when will this ever stop?
Wait a minute.
What does any of this matter?
Well, Tammy's a cop,
and we're criminals.
If you want to look at
it in black and white.
No, what does this
matter if you're gone?
Neil can say whatever he wants.
That's the point, right?
And I can blame you for everything.
You just have to go
soon.
Um, I didn't want to say
anything until I thought
it was possible,
but I, um
I want to stay.
You You do? Why?
And I-I think I can, but I
know you're only helping me
so you can get me out of here.
And I pulled you into this, so if you
If you still want me to go
No.
I don't.
What do we have to do?
Um, okay.
So, call Tammy, tell her
to stop looking for him
'cause I need to him first.
Okay. I can come with you.
No. Just stay here
in case he comes back.
Okay. But if you find
him, bring him back here.
- We'll talk to him together.
- Okay.
And I will try to figure out,
um, other places
he might be, okay?
- Maybe Kevin knows.
- Alright. Whoa.
Hey.
Allison go home.
Get some rest.
You're not gonna find him tonight.
We'll figure it out.
Promise?
Promise.
Good night.
Good night.
Hey, babe.
Which is better Classic, or
flip-ups?
Uh
- Uh, both.
- Ah!
I like the way you're thinking lately.
Wicked smart.
Smart? I'm out of it.
This morning I tried to brush my teeth
with your nose hair trimmer.
That is so gross!
I have to put that thing up my nose!
You know, I think I'm
gonna go with the classic.
I've got to go down to
the Police Department today
and I wanna look appropriate.
The Police Department?
Oh, no, does Does Tammy know
that you're the one who set the fire?
Not yet.
I tried to throw her off my
scent, but she's very good.
To be fair, you have
a very pungent smell.
Strange notes of vanilla.
That's just cake.
But I made some phone calls,
and turns out, shockingly,
that you were right.
Tammy is totally shady.
Apparently, she planted evidence
to help that partner of hers,
you know, the one who
died on the toilet.
By the way, I think that's
an incredibly manly way to go.
- He was peeing sitting down.
- I take back everything I said.
Anyway, I'm got to go to
the ol' police station to see
if I can use this info against Tammy
before she tosses me in jail.
Now, before you go trying
to talk me out of it
That's smart.
Wow.
I want to encourage
more of this behavior.
Remind me to tell Neil to
do something nice for you.
From me.
That's
almost thoughtful.
Speaking of Neil, uh,
have you seen him lately?
Uh, not since I Usain
Bolt'ed from the cops
and he abandoned me by running
too slow and getting arrested.
That is his own fault.
But he's been out for a few days,
and Patty's getting worried.
Well, he's probably at Maloney's.
Did you guys boycott
that place when they said
you couldn't lean over the bar
and drink directly from the tap?
So rude!
- My lips barely touched the spigot.
- Touched the spigot, I know.
But that place does have Keno,
and you know how Neil loves
to get lost in the numbers
when he gets out of jail.
You should probably go check there.
That is actually, uh, very helpful.
So, thank you.
Hey, Allison?
You're welcome.
Awww! God, right in the eye.
Damn it, right in the eye.
Neil.
Neil.
What the hell are you doing?
Playing Keno.
You know what I mean.
Diane bailed you out.
You disappeared for days.
No one knew where you were.
Oh, sure, like suddenly
you're concerned about me.
I'm concerned that you
told Diane what happened.
You cannot do that.
Okay.
Okay, how about I take you home?
We get out of here, and
we can talk about it?
I don't want to talk to you.
But I need a ride.
A ride home?
No, somewhere else.
It's urgent.
And you're going to take me there.
- I
- I mean, I could always hitch-hike.
Take a crowded bus.
See if anyone wants to
hear a really good story!
No I'll take you.
I will take you, okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Oh.
You'll pay for these.
Thank you.
I know this whole thing
has taken a toll on you.
And it's taken a toll on me, too.
You know, no one wanted this to happen.
Stay left at the fork.
Yeah.
I know I haven't said this, but I
I am sorry.
For a lot of things.
And I feel like on some
level, maybe you are, too.
Maybe we've both made mistakes,
and maybe we can get past them.
I can if you can.
You look like shit.
I feel like shit.
Yeah. Join the club.
Right here, right here,
pull into this lot.
Your urgent thing is skating?
Wait here.
No, I'm not gonna wait here.
I'm not gonna say anything!
Just wait here.
- Allison?
- Hey. Hey.
I found him.
You did? Is he okay?
No. No. He's a mess,
but he's gonna be fine.
Oh, God.
So, you talk to Diane and Tammy,
but we have to keep people away until
Until we can figure this out.
Okay. Uh, are you coming back here?
Uh, soon.
We had to make a detour.
But we'll be back. So, talk to Diane.
Talk to Tammy.
And I got him.
Okay. I'll see you soon.
Bye.
This is Tammy. Leave a message.
Hey, uh, I've been calling you.
A lot. Um, I found Neil, he's fine.
So you just, um
If you could please just call me back.
Goddamn it!
What happened?
Those dicks banned me a couple weeks ago
and they still won't let me back in.
What? You got banned from an ice rink?
I thought this was the
one of places you were,
like, well regarded.
It was a stupid accident,
it wasn't my fault.
And they still won't Ugh!
This means a lot to you?
Okay.
Come on.
Come on.
Hey.
Patty.
You know Allison doesn't
work here anymore, right?
Yeah. I know.
Uh
I came to talk to you, actually.
We found Neil, he's okay.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. He's on his way home.
And I just wanted to say thank you
for bailing him out the other night.
But you should know, if you're
gonna, like, be around him,
this is what he does, you know?
He goes on a bender for a couple of days
and then comes back just in time
to eat whatever delicious meal
you just made for yourself.
I'm not gonna be around, so don't worry.
I'll leave him alone.
No, D
That's not what I
meant. I just If y
If you're gonna hang out
with Neil, you got to
Well, I worry about you, not him.
I'm a big girl, Patty.
I can take care of myself.
Okay, well, you started
this thing with him,
so I guess we could both say
that your judgment's
just a little bit off.
I'm sorry.
When I met Chuck, it was
It was like a choice, you know?
I decided to love him.
But with Neil, it's
Wait. You love Neil?
I don't know.
Maybe I just don't want to be alone.
And maybe there's not
always a difference.
Uh, you're good.
What?
How?
Kevin. He knows the guy
who drives the Zamboni.
Big Mike Galante.
Kev kept promising to
introduce me, but never did.
Yeah, well, I guess he pulls
some weight around here,
and "Mrs. McRoberts"
pulls some weight, too.
Uh, so I said you made a mistake
and that you were sorry.
And, um, there's a pair of skates
at the front desk for you, so
Have fun.
Hey! Where you going?
My buddy Doug's. He lives around here.
Well, I just spent the last hour
pleading with a guy named
Big Mike, and you're leaving?
I don't care about skating anymore.
So you're just wasting my time?
No, it's for Patty.
I got us both banned,
and she likes coming here
on her birthday.
You're doing something for Patty?
Someone should, right?
She's been through enough.
Yeah, all the stuff you put her through.
Me?
Since you started coming
around, I barely recognize her.
She's all
different.
- Worse.
- No. She's not.
She never bottled me
in the back of the head
before being friends with you.
Never almost murdered someone.
Shut up, Neil!
You know I can make your life
a lot more difficult, right?
- You don't need to.
- I don't need to?
- You told Diane.
- Yeah.
And I told my buddy Doug,
and two kids I met on the bus.
Jesus, I told Kevin when I found out.
- What?
- He laughed.
He didn't listen to me at all.
No one listens to me.
No one.
You can make my life more difficult?
I'm not a problem for you.
I've never been a problem for you.
So, please
just stay the hell away from me.
And Patty.
Okay?
Hey, you.
I've been calling you.
How long you been here?
I let myself in.
I figured it was okay.
We're about to live together.
Of course. It's fine.
I just I didn't know you were here.
Except I don't I don't think we can.
Live together.
What
We can't?
I really wanted to ignore this.
I've done my best to ignore a lot.
Um, and I thought if
we moved in together
and kept moving forward,
but that wasn't the problem.
Allison's not the problem.
This is.
And I'm sorry. I can't let it go.
Tammy, let what go?
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
You can take it.
I've seen enough already.
Okay?
That's you.
I don't
At a gas station in Vermont,
minutes before a trucker was
assaulted for his pain pills.
The same pills we found on Nick Wyndorff
when he was shot at Allison's house.
The thing is, that video
doesn't mean anything.
And I can't prove it's you.
You were smart. You used
cash. You kept your head down.
But I know it's you,
and that's got me asking
a lot of questions.
And that's a problem for you.
I'm sorry.
But
I am not following any of this.
Neither am I.
But I will.
I mean, you can tell me now,
and we have a chance of
figuring this out together.
Or I can start getting
answers on my own.
I
I don't know what to tell you.
Okay.
Good luck, Patty.
Wake up, sleepyhead!
I'm not sleeping.
Uh, well, maybe you should
'cause you're looking
lived in.
That's not a compliment.
Well, here. Drink this.
It'll help you get some shut-eye.
Oh.
Is this clearance beer from Deftos?
Yeah. "Worcester's Pride"!
Oxymoron.
Shame they had to put it on
sale because people in this town
wouldn't support a local brewery.
They found two human fingers in one can.
Allison, they already found two fingers.
How many more could there possibly be?
Eight.
Will you just celebrate with me, please?
Okay. Okay.
Fine. What are we celebrating?
Well, I took care of my
little Tammy's Gonna Arrest
Me For Arson problem.
- You did?
- Well, we did.
And all you have to do
is sign this completely
confidential affidavit
swearing that you saw her plant evidence
after that guy broke in here.
And, remember, you're not telling a lie,
you're just writing your name near one.
God, we make such a great team!
Ah.
Welcome to the winners' circle.
Whoo!
Oh.
Allison, she knows.
Tammy knows that I was in Vermont,
she's about to know everything else.
She was asking a lot of questions.
She knows that we have
a connection to Nick
and it's all my fault.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
I'll fix it.
So, when the dentist told me
he'd have to extract the molar,
I looked him square
in the eyes and said,
"You can't handle the tooth!"
You've told that one before.
I don't get it.
"Tooth" sounds like "truth."
Oh! Okay. I still don't get it.
Well, you know what I don't get?
The fact that you two just celebrated
your one-month anniversary
by going to Costco
and you didn't bring me back
a single Kirkland Signature item.
No vitamin water, no batteries,
not even a rotisserie chicken,
which you know is a loss leader.
And to think I let you live here.
Well, actually, we've
been discussing that and
Hey, have you guys seen Allison?
Yeah. I was just
thinking the same thing.
We got to get Allison in here
She always laughs at my jokes.
Since when?
Wait, didn't Allison
say she was going on
one of those fancy walks?
A hike?
A hike!
That was yesterday.
Hang on!
Ah. Hey, boys. What's up?
Kev, um
have you seen your wife
in the last 24 hours?
Um
- No.
- No.
Well, Kevin, this is Allison's.
It was found on a hiking trail.
We think there's been an accident.
Where is she?
I don't know.
Not exactly.
But she left something for you.
If you end up wanting the place,
it's first, last, and security deposit.
Pretty standard.
This area has some of the best
ice fishing in all of Maine.
Last week my husband caught four
lake trout on his first drop.
Mm.
Do you fish, Ms. Fron ch Fronch?
Um, no, I
Gertrude's fine.
Well, season's over anyway, I guess.
So, what do you plan to do in Danforth?
Sleep.
Allison.
Allison tried to kill you.
I'm trying to fix this.
I don't want to know what you're doing.
This is your best bet
for a new identity.
Are you an actual idiot?
What?