Kevin Can Wait (2016) s02e07 Episode Script

1 - Hey.
- Whoa! Look at you! It's the biggest pitch of our career, right? You want to be a winner, you got to dress like one.
Well, it's much better than your normal look Sweatpants and a Mets shirt.
That has a name.
It's called "couchletic.
" Okay.
So, I have an idea for the pitch today.
Don't need new ideas.
Let's just stick to the plan.
Let me finish, all right? I'm just thinking, instead of some of the small talk, we punch him right in the throat with a sizzle reel.
- A what? - A sizzle reel! It's, like, a commercial that sizzles.
Check it out.
Ready? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Hi.
I'm Kevin Gable.
And as a police officer for the last 20 years, I know security, and you are not secure.
Fact! Last year alone, over $12 billion dollars of property was stolen.
Fact! Every 1.
6 seconds, a crime occurs.
One just occurred.
Fact! Want to talk violent crimes? Let's talk about them.
Why not? Let's get it out there.
Last year alone, 1.
2 million in the U.
S.
occurred.
And that's why you need Fact! Monkey Fist Security.
We're not afraid of street trash like this.
Fact! When it comes to protection, we're top'a the list Just pick up the phone and call Monkey Fist Security Let me guess.
Shot that yourselves? Okay, there's the negativity.
- You said it was coming.
- Okay.
First of all, in one shot you have Rootger shouting "Fact!" like he works for us, and then, in the next shot, you're arresting him.
Okay, my brother was supposed to do it, but he had to get something lasered off the back of his knee.
And by the way, where was I? I'm not even in this thing, and I'm your partner! What'd I say? You said, "She wanted the spotlight for herself".
Okay.
How How much did this cost? It was nothing.
It was 700 bucks.
Are you kidding me?! It's called marketing! Am I crazy? We do not need a sizzle.
Please, let's just stick to the plan.
Okay.
I'm very sorry for thinking outside the box.
Okay, for this meeting, I need you to stay inside the box, all right? Please, just focus.
- Focus? - Yes.
I Believe me, I have plenty of focus.
I'm always focused! Hey, if you're worried about focus [PILLS RATTLE.]
take one of these.
I just said I'm not worried.
I got focus, I'm fine, I don't need that.
It's just a vitamin, you know.
- 100% herbal.
- I don't want it, man.
Hey, cry baby.
It's crushed dandelions with Vitamin C.
Take one before the meeting and you'll be locked in like a mountain lion.
Mountain lions are cool.
I am not your ordinary guy [SIGHS.]
We land this account, and, I mean, it is a game-changer.
I mean, look around! The guy doesn't even have security cameras up.
He needs us.
Five toy stores across Long Island This could be huge! Are you okay? You're sweating.
Wh Yeah.
You didn't You didn't take one of Rootger's pills, did you? No.
Don't worry about me.
I am locked in, okay? I am a mountain lion.
All right, just remember, when we get in there, you stick to the plan, okay? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Exactly.
I'll do some small talk, and then, get him laughing and then, you hit him with the stats and all the boring stuff.
All right, okay.
Just Just keep it light, keep it short.
Okay.
Hey, look, you don't try and put a saddle on Seabiscuit, all right? You just go along for the ride.
Okay, they did put a saddle on Seabiscuit.
Okay.
I mean on his winning spirit his spirit You don't put a saddle you don't saddle it up.
All right, all right, fine, fine.
You let it go.
All right? I'll talk about my kids, 'cause they love coming here, that's a good thing to do.
- Good, good, good.
- I'll bring that up.
- Connection that's good.
- I like it.
And then, I'll talk about Florida, too, 'cause I looked it up, the owner's got a place in Florida.
Okay, that's all good material, just stop now.
Yeah, okay, yep.
Oh, there it is.
Look at that.
The crown.
That's what he wears in all the commercials, right there.
What? He's the prin He's the Prince of Toys.
Look at this and this is the Drawbridge of Savings! This is all here! I got to get a picture.
Got to give me a shot.
Here.
No, uh, we are here for business.
No, hey, just get a picture, okay? Quickly.
And make it look like I'm wearing the crown Get it at the angle.
You've got to get low.
Okay.
Get lower, so it's not yeah.
I can't in this skirt! - All right.
- Look at that.
Da-da-da! Come on, do it.
Okay, come on.
They're calling us in.
Here we go.
Yeah.
It's all blurry! [STAMMERS.]
Could have been so cool! [IPAD DINGS.]
Oh.
Table 4 wants a meat supreme pizza, no peppers.
All right.
On it.
Boy, I got to tell you People ordering on iPads When I first heard the idea, I wanted to punch you.
But But it's working out! Great job, kid.
Great job.
Hey, babe, your friends are here! Oh, fantastic.
They just met with an angel investor over our app.
Hoping for good news.
Oh! Me too, babe.
- Go get them! - Okay.
Mwah! All right, Dave, slap some good news on me.
The investors passed.
Oh, Dave.
They felt that an app that lets you feed your fish from your smartphone was "useless".
Useless? You can feed your fish from your phone.
Am I missing something? I know! It's a game-changer for people in the fish community! Exactly! Okay, but we got to keep the positivity flowing.
[SIGHS.]
How can you keep saying that? We've been rejected 17 times.
Yeah, but we've got one more investor in New Jersey that might be interested.
There's always one more investor, and they always say, "No.
" I think this is end of the line.
What about our mission to revolutionize home fish management? I think the fish are just gonna have to look out for themselves.
Thank you guys for coming, but I'm not sure if we need security here.
I keep an eye on everything and [CHUCKLES.]
I lock my doors, so That's a great start, but maybe we can offer you some additional security that you might find useful.
All right.
all right, go ahead.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
First of all, Mr.
Prince, thank you so much for having us here.
We're both very comfortable, and we feel warm.
Uh I love your commercials.
Aw, thank you.
You know, we got 62 of them.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's almost a record in Long Island.
Ron's Crab Shack has 71, so I made the mistake of eating there once.
[CHUCKLES.]
I got to tell you, the crab was fake, but the food poisoning was not.
Ron is a dear friend of mine.
No, good guy, definitely.
Hey, uh, wh-wh-wh-why don't you tell him about your kids? Yeah, that's a good idea.
I have kids, and they love coming here so much.
They have a very good time, and I'm sure yours do, as well.
I don't have children.
Yeah, you do.
I-I-I saw them in the commercial.
BILL: Those are actors.
My wife had an emergency hysterectomy.
She almost died on the table.
Ooh-pow.
Well, I guess that's good, though, 'cause it frees you up, time-wise, and you can go down to Florida, right? Excuse me? You've got a place down there, right? Boca? Yeah.
You have one down there, as well? I do.
Okay, Bill, Bill, are you No, no, no.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Where's your place? It's in Boca.
It's at, uh, it's out on the point.
You know, where it juts out.
I'm not familiar with a point in Boca.
It's kind of it's right by the, uh, the ice cream place.
You ever see the ice-cream place down in Boca? So good.
What's the name of it? I think it's called, uh I think it's, uh, Boca Boca Cream? Or, uh it's, uh, Mocha Boch Mocha Bocha? VANESSA: It's an ice-cream place, we get it.
Okay.
So we ran crime statistics in the area, and then we Adoption! What? Yes.
That's what you should You ever think about it? You need kids, right? And the kids, they need a home.
And what better place to grow up than a nice toy store? What an environment, right? I mean, I can't think of a better place.
Can you think of one? [QUIETLY.]
I can tell you, that vitamin's kicking in.
It's kicking in.
Hey, mountain lion! How did it go? I'm on pinching needles.
Go ahead, tell him.
I screwed it up.
No.
Nobody screwed it up.
We just didn't get this one.
Did you take the pill? Yep.
Not good.
He was a little chatty.
And I was sweating a lot.
Ah, I bet you took it on an empty stomach.
Yeah, like that's possible.
Okay, that was mean, and I am sorry.
It's fine.
I deserve it.
I blew it back there.
You have every right to be mad.
I am not mad.
Look, there's lots of other business out there.
We'll just get the next one.
Okay, I see what you're doing here.
You're doing that thing where you pretend not to be mad and you're acting all cool, like, "Ooh, I'm cool".
I'm not acting anything.
You're my partner! This just didn't go our way.
Well, let's get it to go our way, all right? Call Bill back.
Tell him I had a mini-stroke.
- No.
- Yes! - We'll get a second chance! - No.
No.
Stop.
I am not calling Bill.
Let's just let this go.
I-I-I won't take the vitamin next time and I'll be totally relaxed.
Oh, relaxed? I have something for that, too.
It's made out of melatonin and maple syrup.
They use it to calm down animals at the zoo.
Hey, kid, you tell her the good news? [GASPS.]
The investors changed their mind? They want to buy your app? [CHUCKLES.]
Not that good of news.
Um, Enzo asked me if I wanted to be the manager.
Yeah, not as good.
But I mean, you're gonna tell him "No", right? I don't know.
I mean, the app is all but dead, whereas, manager of Enzo's, I mean, that's a real thing.
And I'm good at it.
Enzo was telling me that profits are up since I've computerized the place.
Yeah, but, babe, I mean, we had a plan.
[IPAD DINGS.]
Oh, sor I've got to go.
Mwah.
Little low on pretzels.
Fill her up.
Kendra.
- Kendra! - What? [SIGHS.]
I'm sorry, what? - You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just I'm worried about Chale.
He's talking about giving up on his app and working here full-time.
Yeah.
Sounds about right.
He's at that age where a man starts to die inside.
What? No! I don't want that for Chale.
Maybe you could talk to him.
- Me? - Yeah.
You had a dream that went differently than real life, you know.
Are you saying I tasted failure? - No.
I don't mean - No, no, no.
[CHUCKLES.]
I have.
I have sipped from the cup of failure more than once.
Like your '80s rock band? Ugh, I forgot about that.
See? You had something you were passionate about and you let it slip away, and I just I don't want that for Chale.
You know, we could have been huge.
It's just that the other guys didn't want it as much.
Like Larry, you know? He missed our showcase.
"Oh, I got to see the birth of my daughter".
He already had a daughter.
How different could it be? Yes, I would like to cancel my massage.
The reason? Oh, my boss panicked in the big meeting and, uh, let's just say that my employment here is on shaky ground.
All right, Sharon.
Thank you.
Bye.
Hey, where's Vanessa? Oh, she said she was going to the doctor.
My guess? Woman stuff.
That's perfect, 'cause I'm going back to the toy store, and this time, I'm doing it alone.
Oh, you need a pill? No! No pills.
No, I'm just gonna go in there, and I'm not leaving till I get the account.
Gonna to be like the champion that I am, you know.
And I'm doing it for me, I'm doing it for you, I'm doing it for everybody here at The Fist! - Hey, there.
- Hey.
Oh, um, everyone's out at the moment.
Do you want me to tell them you stopped by? Uh, no.
I'm actually here for you and where you're going in life.
Wh-Why? Well, you know, you're my nephew now, and I just want to make sure you don't make the same mistakes I made.
Are you talking about the time you shaved your eyebrows? I didn't shave them.
I was lighting my grill.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about the fact that I was once part of a, uh, very promising rock band.
I actually hate the fact that I walked away from it.
I-I just don't want that to happen to you.
Oh.
Well, why don't you just go back to it? What's that, now? The band why don't you just, you know, start it up again? Oh, nah.
Too old.
Oh no, no, no.
You're never too old to follow your dreams, especially if it's something you're good at.
Interesting.
It seems to me, if being in a rock band is what you want to do, then you should do that.
You're right.
I mean, Larry's girls are off to college this year.
Richard's new heart valve is working fine.
There's not a lot holding us back.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's the spirit! [LAUGHS.]
Rock 'n' roll! Hey, thanks for the pep talk, Chale! Okay.
Deep breath.
You can do this.
Whoa.
What are you doing here? Um, I am shopping for toys.
I mean You came here to pitch to him again! No.
I needed one of these - these.
- I can't I cannot believe you.
What happened to all that stuff about "letting this one go"? Okay, what I really meant was you letting it go.
I mean, you couldn't even focus on a focus pill! "Why don't you adopt kids? Maybe you won't be so sad.
I like ice cream.
Choca, Mocha, Choca-Mocha!" Okay, for the last time, I took a supplement from a trusted colleague, all right? It didn't work out.
Sorry.
Okay.
We are making a scene.
Let's go inside.
In.
Let's go.
- In where? - In here.
All right, look We need this account, okay? So, I thought it would be best just to leave you at home where you can sizzle-pitch by yourself.
- You should be ashamed.
- Ugh.
Coming here behind my back.
Honestly, you really think that I Hold it, hold it.
You know that's for an infant, right? It'll never hold you.
Yeah, okay.
I wasn't gonna sit on it.
It's for this.
I was gonna do this.
Is that what you were gonna do? Yeah, yeah.
Very comfortable, by the way.
Just admit it you came here to pitch him, too.
Okay, maybe I did.
Because I can get this account, I just need a second chance.
Oh, come on.
You can't stay focused.
I'm a different guy now! I'm telling you, I'm off the sauce, I'm totally clean! Look, let me pitch you.
I'll pitch you, and I promise you, it'll be magic.
Fine, just do it.
You're never gonna shut up until I hear it.
Go, go! Give me a second here.
You ready? [SIGHS.]
Mr.
Prince.
Are you Are you gonna do that with your hands? Yeah.
It's called "pyramid hands.
" - It's very powerful.
- Okay.
Mr.
Prince, I need you to ask yourself this question "Why do I need Monkey Fist Security?" And then, the doctor was like, "At this point you can take the scab off and it would be fine.
" And I was like, "I-I totally disagree, because I think it's gonna leave a scar".
Look at above the brow.
- In the brow? - Yep.
- Nothing there? - Mnh-mnh.
And it back on the other thing In conclosion conclusion These are all the reasons you should choose Monkey Fist.
[QUIETLY.]
Pyramid hands.
Okay, so, we know it wasn't the pill.
So, here's how it's gonna down.
I'm gonna do all the pitching, and you just sit there and say nothing.
- Yep.
- Okay.
What the heck? What time is it? [SCOFFS.]
It's 10 after 8:00! [CHAINS RATTLE.]
There's chains on the door.
We are locked in here.
They don't check the bathroom for children or adults.
Now we're trapped inside a toy store that we wanted to provide security for.
It's a good look.
Relax.
I already texted Rootger.
He'll get the message, grab some bolt cutters, and he'll get us out of here.
Why don't we just call the cops? That's a good idea.
"Yeah, hello.
We are two retired police officers.
We're kind of trapped inside of a toy store.
Uh-huh.
Oh, and it's a funny story 'cause we own our own security company.
[LAUGHS.]
Hello? Hello?" Boy, if you pitched as well as you do fake phone calls, we would have had that account.
I'm just curious are you trying to sink our business? Just, like, actively trying to do it? Because in a partnership You're a 12-year-old, you know that? Okay Oh! I am warning you, I do not play well with oth Knock it off! Okay.
- Let's do it.
- Oh! Hey, all right, stop! Stop it, stop! Yep.
Yep.
What? I g I got an idea.
What? The crown.
What about it? We get it, we grab it, we move it to Mr.
Prince's office.
He comes in the morning, he realizes it's been moved, and he's like, "Huh, we need security!" Who's he gonna call? Okay.
Well, even if I agreed to this, I mean, how would we get to it? Oh, I'll get to it.
You just be thankful you've got a partner who thinks outside the box.
Okay.
Oh, and one more thing.
Okay, when I get up there, just get ready to catch the crown, okay? - Hey.
- Hey.
I just had the most interesting conversation with your uncle a real eye-opener.
Oh, babe, that's great! It's official.
You are looking at the new manager of Enzo's.
What? But didn't Kyle talk to you about, you know, following your dreams? He did, and that's what I'm doing.
I am so confused.
Look, Kyle is getting his band back together in his 50s, which made me realize I have forever to do my app.
But right now, the one thing that I really want is just to have a dependable job, you know, and I can start looking after my wife.
Babe, we'll be okay.
You don't have to do this.
No, no, I do! Trust me, this is the right move! Look, I came in here tonight with a pep in my step, and all I want right now is my woman to just jump into my arms! Jump into my arms! Have at it! - Or we can just hug.
- Yeah, that's better.
[SMOOCHES.]
I All right, I-I already regret this.
Hey, I've done my calculations perfectly, okay? If I get enough speed coming down here and hit that trampoline at the right velocity, that momentum's gonna carry me to the crown.
Gravity will take over after that.
Okay, nothing's scarier than you talking science.
You just worry about one thing, all right? If I don't get enough speed by those LEGOs, as I'm coming down here, I need you to tell me to bail out, - all right? - Got it, yep.
Let's do this.
[SLO-MO VOICE.]
Bail out! [SLO-MO VOICE.]
What? - [NORMAL VOICE.]
You okay? - [STRAINED.]
Yeah.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
ROOTGER: Hello, hello.
Oh.
Rootger's here.
The plan should have worked.
[CHUCKLES.]
You really got to let it go.
But we proved to him he needs security.
We got locked in his place and basically trashed it.
Should've worked.
Look, the toy-store account is gone, okay? It's just time to move on.
Okay, fine.
I want to re-address the sizzle reel.
Oh, my God.
Listen to me.
I reshot it.
Rootger is out.
He was horrible.
I get it, you know.
But Kyle's in now, and he's much more natural.
Really good.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Vanessa, Kevin.
Oh, Mr.
Prince.
I know I told you I wasn't interested in security, but one of my stores was broken into last night.
Whaaaat? That's terrible! It's just made me realize that you guys were right.
I need to hire you.
24/7, 365, all my stores, starting immediately.
Ye-Of course, thank you.
Yeah, thank you very much, Mr.
Prince.
And let me say, you are in good hands, 'cause we're we're a very strong team, and we like to think outside the box, yeah.
Also inside the box.
Yeah, but mostly mostly outside.
- It's a balance.
- It is a balance.
- Okay.
- It's a balance.
- Yeah.
- Thank you very much.
So, my neighbor across the street has a security cam.
It takes picture every 10 minutes.
We got a picture of the guy in the act.
First order of business Find this maniac.