Lead Balloon (2006) s02e07 Episode Script
Rita
I didn't take the money.
It might look as though I did, but I'm not a thief.
I'd like to think you're telling the truth, I really would.
It wasn't me.
What more can I say? That was great.
Yeah, I totally believed you.
You really found the character.
Yeah, you're either a very good actor or a very good liar.
Thank you.
Well, like I say, we're filming in Shepperton, so this scene should just take a day.
That's fine.
I can always move things around.
Good, well, we'll be in touch.
Unless you've got any questions? Yeah, I was wondering, so is that his first name or his surname? Driver? Because that's quite unusual.
That's his job.
Yeah, he doesn't really need a name.
Good, great.
That's what I meant.
If he did have one, what would that be? Well done, you.
- That's brilliant.
- Yeah, well You see! And you thought you'd blown it.
No, it's just that I put the director on the spot, asked him one or two questions he hadn't thought of.
But he's obviously big enough to handle it.
So I think we'll work well together.
You're going to be in a film with Rita Stetler! I know, it's amazing, isn't it? Wait till I tell my mum.
Three Days rn Paris is one of her all-time favourite films.
Yeah, mine too.
Well, it is now.
In fact, I must make a point of watching that.
You and Rita Stetler! My day doesn't seem so glamorous now.
Oh, come on, don't put yourself down.
You do some good stuff.
What? Another series of Geriatric World.
That's not coming back, is it? Surely they've all died by now? Remember that Scottish one? It was like she was talking in Morse code.
Right, I'm off.
I've left a note for the electrician.
What? When he comes to do the extra sockets.
Oh, yes Do we really need all these extra sockets? Just throw out some of the gadgets.
We don't need yoghurt makers and waffle irons.
You shouldn't keep buying them, then.
He won't get in your way.
He'll be working in here.
He'll still be in the house, though, won't he? Whistling and using the toilet and God knows what.
Who is he anyway? How do we know he's any good? - Michael recommended him.
- Michael?! Yeah.
Well, you know how fussy Michael is.
If he says he's good, I'm sure he will be.
No, he won't.
He'll be some weirdo he's met on the Internet playing World hammer.
How much is he charging? It doesn't matter.
You're a film star.
What do you mean, you've "heard of her"? Rita Stetler is one of the biggest movie stars of all time.
OK, so she was big in the '50s, but what's she done since then? Three Days ctn Paris is in most people's top 20 films.
- That's one movie.
- She's made hundreds of movies.
Name one other.
Oh, dear I think we know what this is about? You're jealous.
ct Who, me, jealous? - You're jealous.
- I am not jealous.
- You are jealous.
- I'm not jealous.
- You're jealous, jealous, jealous I am not jealous, and now you're being childish.
Sorry to disturb your work Yeah, I was just explaining something to Marty.
- Electrician is here.
- Fine.
I'll be through in a couple of minutes when I've finished explaining what I was explaining.
Jealous.
Thanks, love.
Now, then, where do you want these sockets? Basically we need a double over there so we can use some sort of (MOBILE RINGS) Oh, I'd better just get this.
Hello? Yeah, I just got here.
Yeah.
A bit shorter actually.
I know.
No, go on.
Oh, definitely - no question.
Miles offside.
No, he didn't even look at the linesman.
Yeah.
Yeah, look, I'd better go.
See ya.
Sorry about that.
Now, where were we? - Yep, so we need a double - Did you see it last night? - What? - The match.
I mean, that had to be a red card, didn't it? It was a two-footed tackle.
I didn't see it.
No? Well, they're bound to show it again.
He's lucky he didn't break his leg.
- I'm not really interested.
- Yeah? Who do you support, then? - I don't support anyone.
ct you're not Arsenal, are you? Ughhh! No, I don't support anyone.
I have no interest in football.
Oh, right.
What, you're a rugby man, then? No, I don't follow that either.
I just don't like sport.
You should have seen that tackle, though.
Got to be a red.
Good.
We need a double one over there, so we can plug in Right.
Well, I'm going to have to turn off the electric for a bit.
Yeah, that's fine.
In case you've got computers in the house.
It's a laptop, so it doesn't matter.
Oh, right.
OK, well, I'll crack on, then.
Is there any more of that tea, love? Please, I am not "love" - I am Magda.
- What's that? Spanish, is she? - No, I'm not Spanish.
They've got some good teams.
Real Madrid.
I am not Spanish Barcelona, Valencia - they're quite good these days.
- Que pasa? - She's not Spanish.
Come on, Rick.
No, no, we need to know.
Oh, dear.
My mistake.
Only 980,521 results for Rita Stetler.
"Leading American Actress Da-da-da-da.
"Close friends with Bing Crosby "Films include WeDctnced rÃlIDctwn, A Long Way To Rip" A Long Way To Rio.
That's what I meant - "A Long Way To Rio , "and the classic romance Three Days ctn Paris, "for which she was nominated for an Academy Award.
" OK, OK.
She's a legend and you've got a walk-on part in her movie.
I'm sorry.
I was being ungracious.
- Congratulations.
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Apology accepted.
I'm glad we can have these little chats.
What do you mean, walk-on? - The walk-on part in the movie.
- It's not a walk-on part.
You said it was only one day's shooting.
It's a cameo.
There's a big difference.
OK, it's a cameo.
Yet again, I'm in the wrong.
It's a very important scene - it's right at the start of the film.
My character gets accused of stealing money from Rita Stetler.
Yeah So did he do it? Good question.
I'm afraid I can't tell you that.
Don't want to spoil the film.
Well, let's hope you don't.
So, what's your character's name? - Dave.
- Dave who? - Dave Driver.
- What is it, a porno or something? Yes, that's right, I'm a porn star and I'm in a sex scene with a 78-year-old woman, but the money's great, so (LAUGHS) Sorry to interrupt.
I've got to switch the power off for a bit, it's just in case Yeah, you don't have to keep telling me.
I've got a laptop.
Just thought I'd let you know.
All right? How you doing? - See the game last night? - Unbelievable.
That was so offside.
That's what I said.
Didn't I say that? Who do you support, then? you're not Arsenal, are you? Get outta here.
No, I'm a Spurs man.
What about yourself? United? Manchester United.
- Is that where you're from? - Oh, yes.
Those aren't United colours you're wearing.
Well spotted.
Sorry for the wait - problem with the hummus.
Oh, well, we didn't order hummus.
No, but there was a problem with the hummus, it had to be attended to, hence the delay in preparing your sandwiches.
OK.
Glad we cleared that up.
One of my suppliers has had a family bereavement and the upshot - no hummus until tomorrow morning at the very earliest.
Yeah, I suppose we'll all have to muddle through somehow.
- You'd think, with hummus - Michael - Did Rick tell you he's in a movie? - A movie? Yeah, they're gonna cast me in a film - it's a bit embarrassing really It's a cameo.
More of a special guest appearance.
Should be a challenge.
Oh, who else is in it? Anyone I'd know? Yeah, Rita Stetler.
She's a big name from the '50s, Hollywood.
Friends with Bing Crosby? You're in a film with Rita Stetler? Yeah.
My father is her number one fan.
- You're kidding me? - I was brought up on Rita Stetler.
I remember when the Roxy was open, they'd show old '50s films on Sundays.
Father insisted on taking us.
God help us if we made a noise.
Sounds fun.
Yes, only my brother Christopher would pinch me to make me yell out.
One time he brought a pen-knife and stuck it my leg.
You can imagine.
Painful.
I'm afraid I screamed and, understandably, Father lashed out.
Oh, well, happy times.
Anyway I don't suppose you could get her to sign something for Father, could you? Yeah, I expect so.
Only he's got quite a collection of memorabilia.
I'll get her autograph.
Rita's very easy-going.
Oh, well, that's fantastic.
Father will be thrilled.
RightI'd better see if I can source some hummus from somewhere else.
"Rita's very easy-going with things like that" Jealous, jealous.
Hello, Magda.
Everything all right? No.
Listen to him.
- This is the keeper - I cannot stand to hear this.
All morning.
Right, I've had enough of this.
I'll sort it out.
The referee is where you are.
Maybe a couple of feet back from that.
Now he's gone in on him, like this - two-footed, from behind.
That is a red card.
Sorry.
How's it going? Not bad.
I've almost finished the prep.
I was just going to pop out for a spot of lunch and then crack on.
- See you in a bit.
- Yeah, well, don't be too long.
Do you mind not talking to him? He's supposed to be working.
Couldn't help it, Dad.
He kept going on and on about football and that.
Yeah, we tried to leave Yeah, and Ben's got, like, some course work to do.
Working with kids and stuff.
Yeah, they're disadvantaged and that so, you know, just trying to tying to motivate them and, you know, be a role model.
You're going to be a role model? Yeah.
Oh.
Well done on the film, Dad.
Yeah, thanks.
Yeah, so is that going to be in, like, the cinemas? It's a film, Ben.
That's where films are shown.
Yeah, course, yeah.
Some films do go straight to DVD.
Yeah, well, not this one.
It's got Rita Stetler in it.
- She's a really famous actress.
- OK.
Huge star in the 1 950s.
Great.
Well, maybe old people will like it.
Yeah.
Good luck with the motivational thing.
Thanks.
That's me for today, then.
Right.
Is it all done? I'm gonna need another day on it.
I've left everything up and running, so you've got your TV, lights That's good of you.
- Have you got Sky? - Sorry? - Have you got Sky? - No.
Cos they're showing the highlights at 1 8.
30.
Well, if you'll remember, I don't really watch football, so that's OK.
No.
I expect your mate'll be watching, though? Yes, I dare say.
So what time tomorrow? Oh, make an early start, I think.
Is ten all right? - Ten? - See you tomorrow.
All day he is asking me, "Have you seen goal?" Really? "Offside ct what is ref doing?" I know.
"Why have he not send off red card to him?" And all day he is eating.
"Any more biscuit, love?" Yeah.
Typical.
Very lay Englishman.
Well, you get people like that in any county, Magda.
It's not just an English thing.
- Might be a bit racist.
- No, I think is English.
In my county, this job must be done, man will come, one hour, finish, thank you, goodbye.
Yes, but over here we have regulations.
Rewiring has to be done properly.
You can't just fix it with a coat-hanger and say you've done it.
Now you are being racist.
ct Racist? No, I'm not.
- Yes, if you say we fix electric with coat-hanger.
Not really, because you told me that when you first arrived here.
You told me your uncle was electrocuted Ah, yes! He was coming out of toilet at swimming pool.
There, you see? But was not coat-hanger, was wire from bicycle.
Still, it's not ideal, though, is it? He is coming out of shower.
Yeah, I know.
I don't want to hear it again.
And he's touching light switch, and swimming pants have zzzz! - Yeah, I remember.
- And then his wife - Had to take him to hospital.
- had to take him to hospital They had to sell their lory, didn't they? I have never come closer to walking out of a meeting.
Yeah, but it's Geriatric World.
That's what makes it popular.
Now they're pushing it too far.
The producer openly asked the medical adviser if there was anyone who might only make it to about show four.
Well, you know what happened to the ratings when that wheety one died.
- Gladys? - Yeah.
Yeah, but it was really sensitively handled and it was completely unexpected.
It's Geriatric Ward.
It can't have been that unexpected.
Just wasn't as cynical, somehow.
Anyway, how did you get on with Alan? Who? - The electrician.
- Oh! Don't ask.
He's so lay.
He's done nothing.
What is it with the English? - He's made a start, hasn't he? - He's put a dust sheet down.
How long does it take to put a couple of sockets in? It should be one hour, thank you, finished, goodbye.
Tell him to get on with it, then.
Every time I go near him, he starts droning on about football, and he's rude to Magda.
I told you what would happen if you get someone recommended by Michael.
Well, take it up with Michael.
I was going to, but he was in the middle of a hummus crisis.
OhMichael's father is Rita Stetler's number one fan.
- Really? - Obsessed with her, apparently.
Michael's father, obsessive? - Who'd have thought? - I know.
He's got memorabilia and everything.
I said I'd get her autograph for him.
Oh, that was sweet of you.
Well, why not? It's no trouble.
(MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH) It's pretty dark here I'm seeing things with clarity and foresight I'm worried that my dreams might Not be my destiny It's all around me In my blood and in my body like a whirl of mist I have to bite and clench my fist as I'm likely to explode I've been like this before I've been like this before It won't happen again It takes time growing up But patience is all that you need.
- You're really gonna do this? - Yeah, why not? Because you said you'd get HER to sign it.
Oh, come on, Marty.
Do you really think I'm going to ask Rita Stetler for her autograph? Why not? Because you don't ask your co-star for an autograph.
She'd look at me and think, "Who is this guy?" It's just not done.
She'd be flattered.
Especially with the old poster.
She'll think I'm a fan, some kind of stalker.
Do you think she's going to ask for my autograph? - I'm guessing no.
- Exactly.
So me signing it for her is the proper thing to do.
I hope Michael's dad sees it that way.
He'll never know.
Look, this is her version of her signature.
That's mine.
- You can't tell the difference.
- I still think you should ask Rita.
Why complicate things? Watch.
- That poster's worth 800 bucks.
- It's not worth that much.
It is, I looked it up online.
The French ones are collectors' items - they all had a mistake on them.
Well, it'll be worth even more when it's signed, won't it? - Sorry, I'll just have to switch - Just a minute! I was just going to say, I'm gonna have to switch the power off.
How much longer will you be? Not long.
Just a few safety checks, then I'll be off.
Signing autographs then, are you? Yes.
I bet you get asked quite a lot, don't you? Yeah, quite a lot - it's something you get used to.
Did you see the highlights last night? They all said it was offside.
Every last one of them.
Well, apart from Alan Hansen (BLENDER WHIRRS) See, Magda? Working.
He's done a good job.
Yes, but three days it has taken him.
In my county, we can build block of flat in three days.
Yeah, but not very nice ones.
And they have been known to fall down when it snows.
Hi, Dad, you all right? Hi, Sam, Ben.
How's the thing with the kids going? Yeahit's not good.
Really? What's the problem? Well, they're just lay.
Yeah.
Taking the piss, really.
- Yeah, there's nono get up and go.
- You are working with bad children? Well, they're not bad, Magda, they're disadvantaged.
No, most of them are bad, as it goes.
I think one way to teach these people is for police to come and Hm.
Well, that's a thought.
But the police aren't really like that over here.
Sometimes they are.
Thanks.
Yup.
Here's to having the house back to ourselves.
Oh, your mobile rang.
Did it? - Alan did a good job.
- Three days that took him.
Well, he's thorough.
That's why Michael uses him all the time.
This'll probably be him now.
"Don't use the sockets, they're dangerous.
"Did you watch the match last night?" Wha What? What is it? Rita Stetler's had a stroke.
Oh, no.
How is she? She's in hospital in LA.
She was on her way to the airport.
- Poor thing.
- I know.
They'll probably cancel the movie now.
I meant poor Rita.
Yeah, well, obviously, that's the main thing.
- Oh, no! - What? Michael's dad, he gave me a poster to get signed.
Well, just give it back.
He'll understand.
It's not that simple.
- You haven't lost it? - No, of course not.
- Or damaged it? - No.
The thing is, it turns out it has actually been signed.
- How? - Well, it sort of has.
I mean, it is her signature.
- But I did it.
- YOU did it?! I thought it would be easier that way.
Easier than what? Why do this now? Why not wait till she recovers? - She's not going to recover.
- Well, how ill is she? I told you, completely ill.
Forget about her.
She's had a stroke.
She's buggered.
Thank you, Doctor, you've been very kind.
What are you gonna say? I'm just gonna tell him the truth.
- Michael - I've heard the news.
Father rang.
It's very sad.
Isn't it? Poor Rita.
Thing is, about the poster.
Oh, don't worry about that, I understand.
There's no way you could've got her to sign it.
I should explain - There's no need to explain.
- There is, sort of I'll just give it back to him.
Before you do that, there's something you should know.
See, thing is, when I heard that Rita was unwell my immediate thought was, "Poor old Michael's father.
Now he's not going to get her autograph.
" So I thought, "I know, I'll sign it and then he won't be disappointed.
" Sorry, I don't understand.
What are you saying? Nothing, really, it's just that Are you saying you signed my father's poster? Yeah.
Not my name obviously - Rita's.
Anyway, it was only when Mel saw it, it started me thinking.
Cos she said, "I know you've done that - "with the best of intentions" - What have you done? "and it is very realistic, but do you think that was a good idea, signing it?" Sit down, Michael.
You don't look too good.
And I said, "What?! Are you saying it would have been better to leave it unsigned?" So anyway, you'll definitely get away with it.
- No.
He'll know you did it.
- I don't think so, it is very accurate.
He always knows when you're lying.
He was a barrister.
Michael, it looks exactly the same.
She never left America.
There's no way she could have signed it.
It's fine.
All you have to say is I flew to LA Oh, God - nose bleed.
- Pass me a tissue.
- Here, use this.
I'll be all right in a minute.
Why did it start bleeding like that? It's a trauma response.
I used to get them a lot as a child.
I see you've got hummus back on the menu.
I'm so proud of him.
At last, one of my clients has had the guts to say no to something.
He's just not going to do it? No.
He said it was exploiting old people and it was beneath him.
Beneath him? Didn't he do SewdqeSedrch? So what'll happen to Geriatric World? Will they just pull the plug on it? - No.
- Be quite ironic, wouldn't it? They'll get a new presenter Actually, that is quite funny - I'll make a note of that.
probably another one of my clients.
cthgy should do Celebrity Geriatric Ward.
Maybe I could get Rita on it for you.
Sorry, bit sick.
So how did it go with Michael - the poster? Yeahall right.
He wasfairly calm.
I told him to say that I flew to LA for the day and got her autograph.
Think his father will believe that? Yeah, it happens all the time when you're in the film business.
It's just that Michael doesn't strike me as a very good liar.
(DOORBELL RINGS) No, don't do that! Just once! Ah, hello again.
Come in.
Just come from Michael's cafe, have you? - Yes, Rick eats there most days.
- Can't say I care for the food there.
Well Of course, he had a very good job in the City.
- But he couldn't handle the pressure.
- It wasn't so much the pressure Do you know Christopher? His brother.
Very successful.
Lives in South Africa.
Did very well out of apartheid.
Stuck with it, you see.
Anyway, Michael tells me you managed to get my poster signed.
Yes, quite strange, really.
Just after you gave it to me, I got called out to a meeting in LA with Rita, so I took it with me, which, as it turns out, was just as well, because, well, the very next day, you know Poor Rita.
- So you flew out to meet her? - Yeah.
- And where was this meeting? - In Los Angeles.
I know.
You said that.
Where in Los Angeles? It was at her house.
And what address would that be? What's the matter? Having another one of your nose bleeds? No, I'll be fine, thanks.
Sothe address of the house where this meeting took place? North Crescent Drive.
Nice house.
Don't remember the number.
Her chauffeur drove me there.
Very good.
Just a little quiz.
I love my Rita trivia! Well, come on, come on, let's have a look.
I see.
Hang on a second, I've got something here that should Rita's autograph from 1 9q8.
Remarkable! Look at that! Hasn't changed in 60 years.
Rick, thank you.
I can't tell you how much this means to me.
Any time.
Well, I think this calls for a drink, don't you? That was amazing.
How on earth did you know where she lived? - Always do your homework.
- I totally believed you.
Well, I have been told I'm a very good actor.
I hope you like sherry.
Very nice.
Thank you.
Your health! And to Rita, a speedy recovery.
Sorry, I'm just going to have to switch the power off for a bit.
Oh, hello.
Funny seeing you here.
You know Alan, do you? What's that doing here? I was round at his house when he signed that.
I want to get high but I really can't take the pain Cos you blow away my soul like a hurricane
It might look as though I did, but I'm not a thief.
I'd like to think you're telling the truth, I really would.
It wasn't me.
What more can I say? That was great.
Yeah, I totally believed you.
You really found the character.
Yeah, you're either a very good actor or a very good liar.
Thank you.
Well, like I say, we're filming in Shepperton, so this scene should just take a day.
That's fine.
I can always move things around.
Good, well, we'll be in touch.
Unless you've got any questions? Yeah, I was wondering, so is that his first name or his surname? Driver? Because that's quite unusual.
That's his job.
Yeah, he doesn't really need a name.
Good, great.
That's what I meant.
If he did have one, what would that be? Well done, you.
- That's brilliant.
- Yeah, well You see! And you thought you'd blown it.
No, it's just that I put the director on the spot, asked him one or two questions he hadn't thought of.
But he's obviously big enough to handle it.
So I think we'll work well together.
You're going to be in a film with Rita Stetler! I know, it's amazing, isn't it? Wait till I tell my mum.
Three Days rn Paris is one of her all-time favourite films.
Yeah, mine too.
Well, it is now.
In fact, I must make a point of watching that.
You and Rita Stetler! My day doesn't seem so glamorous now.
Oh, come on, don't put yourself down.
You do some good stuff.
What? Another series of Geriatric World.
That's not coming back, is it? Surely they've all died by now? Remember that Scottish one? It was like she was talking in Morse code.
Right, I'm off.
I've left a note for the electrician.
What? When he comes to do the extra sockets.
Oh, yes Do we really need all these extra sockets? Just throw out some of the gadgets.
We don't need yoghurt makers and waffle irons.
You shouldn't keep buying them, then.
He won't get in your way.
He'll be working in here.
He'll still be in the house, though, won't he? Whistling and using the toilet and God knows what.
Who is he anyway? How do we know he's any good? - Michael recommended him.
- Michael?! Yeah.
Well, you know how fussy Michael is.
If he says he's good, I'm sure he will be.
No, he won't.
He'll be some weirdo he's met on the Internet playing World hammer.
How much is he charging? It doesn't matter.
You're a film star.
What do you mean, you've "heard of her"? Rita Stetler is one of the biggest movie stars of all time.
OK, so she was big in the '50s, but what's she done since then? Three Days ctn Paris is in most people's top 20 films.
- That's one movie.
- She's made hundreds of movies.
Name one other.
Oh, dear I think we know what this is about? You're jealous.
ct Who, me, jealous? - You're jealous.
- I am not jealous.
- You are jealous.
- I'm not jealous.
- You're jealous, jealous, jealous I am not jealous, and now you're being childish.
Sorry to disturb your work Yeah, I was just explaining something to Marty.
- Electrician is here.
- Fine.
I'll be through in a couple of minutes when I've finished explaining what I was explaining.
Jealous.
Thanks, love.
Now, then, where do you want these sockets? Basically we need a double over there so we can use some sort of (MOBILE RINGS) Oh, I'd better just get this.
Hello? Yeah, I just got here.
Yeah.
A bit shorter actually.
I know.
No, go on.
Oh, definitely - no question.
Miles offside.
No, he didn't even look at the linesman.
Yeah.
Yeah, look, I'd better go.
See ya.
Sorry about that.
Now, where were we? - Yep, so we need a double - Did you see it last night? - What? - The match.
I mean, that had to be a red card, didn't it? It was a two-footed tackle.
I didn't see it.
No? Well, they're bound to show it again.
He's lucky he didn't break his leg.
- I'm not really interested.
- Yeah? Who do you support, then? - I don't support anyone.
ct you're not Arsenal, are you? Ughhh! No, I don't support anyone.
I have no interest in football.
Oh, right.
What, you're a rugby man, then? No, I don't follow that either.
I just don't like sport.
You should have seen that tackle, though.
Got to be a red.
Good.
We need a double one over there, so we can plug in Right.
Well, I'm going to have to turn off the electric for a bit.
Yeah, that's fine.
In case you've got computers in the house.
It's a laptop, so it doesn't matter.
Oh, right.
OK, well, I'll crack on, then.
Is there any more of that tea, love? Please, I am not "love" - I am Magda.
- What's that? Spanish, is she? - No, I'm not Spanish.
They've got some good teams.
Real Madrid.
I am not Spanish Barcelona, Valencia - they're quite good these days.
- Que pasa? - She's not Spanish.
Come on, Rick.
No, no, we need to know.
Oh, dear.
My mistake.
Only 980,521 results for Rita Stetler.
"Leading American Actress Da-da-da-da.
"Close friends with Bing Crosby "Films include WeDctnced rÃlIDctwn, A Long Way To Rip" A Long Way To Rio.
That's what I meant - "A Long Way To Rio , "and the classic romance Three Days ctn Paris, "for which she was nominated for an Academy Award.
" OK, OK.
She's a legend and you've got a walk-on part in her movie.
I'm sorry.
I was being ungracious.
- Congratulations.
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Apology accepted.
I'm glad we can have these little chats.
What do you mean, walk-on? - The walk-on part in the movie.
- It's not a walk-on part.
You said it was only one day's shooting.
It's a cameo.
There's a big difference.
OK, it's a cameo.
Yet again, I'm in the wrong.
It's a very important scene - it's right at the start of the film.
My character gets accused of stealing money from Rita Stetler.
Yeah So did he do it? Good question.
I'm afraid I can't tell you that.
Don't want to spoil the film.
Well, let's hope you don't.
So, what's your character's name? - Dave.
- Dave who? - Dave Driver.
- What is it, a porno or something? Yes, that's right, I'm a porn star and I'm in a sex scene with a 78-year-old woman, but the money's great, so (LAUGHS) Sorry to interrupt.
I've got to switch the power off for a bit, it's just in case Yeah, you don't have to keep telling me.
I've got a laptop.
Just thought I'd let you know.
All right? How you doing? - See the game last night? - Unbelievable.
That was so offside.
That's what I said.
Didn't I say that? Who do you support, then? you're not Arsenal, are you? Get outta here.
No, I'm a Spurs man.
What about yourself? United? Manchester United.
- Is that where you're from? - Oh, yes.
Those aren't United colours you're wearing.
Well spotted.
Sorry for the wait - problem with the hummus.
Oh, well, we didn't order hummus.
No, but there was a problem with the hummus, it had to be attended to, hence the delay in preparing your sandwiches.
OK.
Glad we cleared that up.
One of my suppliers has had a family bereavement and the upshot - no hummus until tomorrow morning at the very earliest.
Yeah, I suppose we'll all have to muddle through somehow.
- You'd think, with hummus - Michael - Did Rick tell you he's in a movie? - A movie? Yeah, they're gonna cast me in a film - it's a bit embarrassing really It's a cameo.
More of a special guest appearance.
Should be a challenge.
Oh, who else is in it? Anyone I'd know? Yeah, Rita Stetler.
She's a big name from the '50s, Hollywood.
Friends with Bing Crosby? You're in a film with Rita Stetler? Yeah.
My father is her number one fan.
- You're kidding me? - I was brought up on Rita Stetler.
I remember when the Roxy was open, they'd show old '50s films on Sundays.
Father insisted on taking us.
God help us if we made a noise.
Sounds fun.
Yes, only my brother Christopher would pinch me to make me yell out.
One time he brought a pen-knife and stuck it my leg.
You can imagine.
Painful.
I'm afraid I screamed and, understandably, Father lashed out.
Oh, well, happy times.
Anyway I don't suppose you could get her to sign something for Father, could you? Yeah, I expect so.
Only he's got quite a collection of memorabilia.
I'll get her autograph.
Rita's very easy-going.
Oh, well, that's fantastic.
Father will be thrilled.
RightI'd better see if I can source some hummus from somewhere else.
"Rita's very easy-going with things like that" Jealous, jealous.
Hello, Magda.
Everything all right? No.
Listen to him.
- This is the keeper - I cannot stand to hear this.
All morning.
Right, I've had enough of this.
I'll sort it out.
The referee is where you are.
Maybe a couple of feet back from that.
Now he's gone in on him, like this - two-footed, from behind.
That is a red card.
Sorry.
How's it going? Not bad.
I've almost finished the prep.
I was just going to pop out for a spot of lunch and then crack on.
- See you in a bit.
- Yeah, well, don't be too long.
Do you mind not talking to him? He's supposed to be working.
Couldn't help it, Dad.
He kept going on and on about football and that.
Yeah, we tried to leave Yeah, and Ben's got, like, some course work to do.
Working with kids and stuff.
Yeah, they're disadvantaged and that so, you know, just trying to tying to motivate them and, you know, be a role model.
You're going to be a role model? Yeah.
Oh.
Well done on the film, Dad.
Yeah, thanks.
Yeah, so is that going to be in, like, the cinemas? It's a film, Ben.
That's where films are shown.
Yeah, course, yeah.
Some films do go straight to DVD.
Yeah, well, not this one.
It's got Rita Stetler in it.
- She's a really famous actress.
- OK.
Huge star in the 1 950s.
Great.
Well, maybe old people will like it.
Yeah.
Good luck with the motivational thing.
Thanks.
That's me for today, then.
Right.
Is it all done? I'm gonna need another day on it.
I've left everything up and running, so you've got your TV, lights That's good of you.
- Have you got Sky? - Sorry? - Have you got Sky? - No.
Cos they're showing the highlights at 1 8.
30.
Well, if you'll remember, I don't really watch football, so that's OK.
No.
I expect your mate'll be watching, though? Yes, I dare say.
So what time tomorrow? Oh, make an early start, I think.
Is ten all right? - Ten? - See you tomorrow.
All day he is asking me, "Have you seen goal?" Really? "Offside ct what is ref doing?" I know.
"Why have he not send off red card to him?" And all day he is eating.
"Any more biscuit, love?" Yeah.
Typical.
Very lay Englishman.
Well, you get people like that in any county, Magda.
It's not just an English thing.
- Might be a bit racist.
- No, I think is English.
In my county, this job must be done, man will come, one hour, finish, thank you, goodbye.
Yes, but over here we have regulations.
Rewiring has to be done properly.
You can't just fix it with a coat-hanger and say you've done it.
Now you are being racist.
ct Racist? No, I'm not.
- Yes, if you say we fix electric with coat-hanger.
Not really, because you told me that when you first arrived here.
You told me your uncle was electrocuted Ah, yes! He was coming out of toilet at swimming pool.
There, you see? But was not coat-hanger, was wire from bicycle.
Still, it's not ideal, though, is it? He is coming out of shower.
Yeah, I know.
I don't want to hear it again.
And he's touching light switch, and swimming pants have zzzz! - Yeah, I remember.
- And then his wife - Had to take him to hospital.
- had to take him to hospital They had to sell their lory, didn't they? I have never come closer to walking out of a meeting.
Yeah, but it's Geriatric World.
That's what makes it popular.
Now they're pushing it too far.
The producer openly asked the medical adviser if there was anyone who might only make it to about show four.
Well, you know what happened to the ratings when that wheety one died.
- Gladys? - Yeah.
Yeah, but it was really sensitively handled and it was completely unexpected.
It's Geriatric Ward.
It can't have been that unexpected.
Just wasn't as cynical, somehow.
Anyway, how did you get on with Alan? Who? - The electrician.
- Oh! Don't ask.
He's so lay.
He's done nothing.
What is it with the English? - He's made a start, hasn't he? - He's put a dust sheet down.
How long does it take to put a couple of sockets in? It should be one hour, thank you, finished, goodbye.
Tell him to get on with it, then.
Every time I go near him, he starts droning on about football, and he's rude to Magda.
I told you what would happen if you get someone recommended by Michael.
Well, take it up with Michael.
I was going to, but he was in the middle of a hummus crisis.
OhMichael's father is Rita Stetler's number one fan.
- Really? - Obsessed with her, apparently.
Michael's father, obsessive? - Who'd have thought? - I know.
He's got memorabilia and everything.
I said I'd get her autograph for him.
Oh, that was sweet of you.
Well, why not? It's no trouble.
(MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH) It's pretty dark here I'm seeing things with clarity and foresight I'm worried that my dreams might Not be my destiny It's all around me In my blood and in my body like a whirl of mist I have to bite and clench my fist as I'm likely to explode I've been like this before I've been like this before It won't happen again It takes time growing up But patience is all that you need.
- You're really gonna do this? - Yeah, why not? Because you said you'd get HER to sign it.
Oh, come on, Marty.
Do you really think I'm going to ask Rita Stetler for her autograph? Why not? Because you don't ask your co-star for an autograph.
She'd look at me and think, "Who is this guy?" It's just not done.
She'd be flattered.
Especially with the old poster.
She'll think I'm a fan, some kind of stalker.
Do you think she's going to ask for my autograph? - I'm guessing no.
- Exactly.
So me signing it for her is the proper thing to do.
I hope Michael's dad sees it that way.
He'll never know.
Look, this is her version of her signature.
That's mine.
- You can't tell the difference.
- I still think you should ask Rita.
Why complicate things? Watch.
- That poster's worth 800 bucks.
- It's not worth that much.
It is, I looked it up online.
The French ones are collectors' items - they all had a mistake on them.
Well, it'll be worth even more when it's signed, won't it? - Sorry, I'll just have to switch - Just a minute! I was just going to say, I'm gonna have to switch the power off.
How much longer will you be? Not long.
Just a few safety checks, then I'll be off.
Signing autographs then, are you? Yes.
I bet you get asked quite a lot, don't you? Yeah, quite a lot - it's something you get used to.
Did you see the highlights last night? They all said it was offside.
Every last one of them.
Well, apart from Alan Hansen (BLENDER WHIRRS) See, Magda? Working.
He's done a good job.
Yes, but three days it has taken him.
In my county, we can build block of flat in three days.
Yeah, but not very nice ones.
And they have been known to fall down when it snows.
Hi, Dad, you all right? Hi, Sam, Ben.
How's the thing with the kids going? Yeahit's not good.
Really? What's the problem? Well, they're just lay.
Yeah.
Taking the piss, really.
- Yeah, there's nono get up and go.
- You are working with bad children? Well, they're not bad, Magda, they're disadvantaged.
No, most of them are bad, as it goes.
I think one way to teach these people is for police to come and Hm.
Well, that's a thought.
But the police aren't really like that over here.
Sometimes they are.
Thanks.
Yup.
Here's to having the house back to ourselves.
Oh, your mobile rang.
Did it? - Alan did a good job.
- Three days that took him.
Well, he's thorough.
That's why Michael uses him all the time.
This'll probably be him now.
"Don't use the sockets, they're dangerous.
"Did you watch the match last night?" Wha What? What is it? Rita Stetler's had a stroke.
Oh, no.
How is she? She's in hospital in LA.
She was on her way to the airport.
- Poor thing.
- I know.
They'll probably cancel the movie now.
I meant poor Rita.
Yeah, well, obviously, that's the main thing.
- Oh, no! - What? Michael's dad, he gave me a poster to get signed.
Well, just give it back.
He'll understand.
It's not that simple.
- You haven't lost it? - No, of course not.
- Or damaged it? - No.
The thing is, it turns out it has actually been signed.
- How? - Well, it sort of has.
I mean, it is her signature.
- But I did it.
- YOU did it?! I thought it would be easier that way.
Easier than what? Why do this now? Why not wait till she recovers? - She's not going to recover.
- Well, how ill is she? I told you, completely ill.
Forget about her.
She's had a stroke.
She's buggered.
Thank you, Doctor, you've been very kind.
What are you gonna say? I'm just gonna tell him the truth.
- Michael - I've heard the news.
Father rang.
It's very sad.
Isn't it? Poor Rita.
Thing is, about the poster.
Oh, don't worry about that, I understand.
There's no way you could've got her to sign it.
I should explain - There's no need to explain.
- There is, sort of I'll just give it back to him.
Before you do that, there's something you should know.
See, thing is, when I heard that Rita was unwell my immediate thought was, "Poor old Michael's father.
Now he's not going to get her autograph.
" So I thought, "I know, I'll sign it and then he won't be disappointed.
" Sorry, I don't understand.
What are you saying? Nothing, really, it's just that Are you saying you signed my father's poster? Yeah.
Not my name obviously - Rita's.
Anyway, it was only when Mel saw it, it started me thinking.
Cos she said, "I know you've done that - "with the best of intentions" - What have you done? "and it is very realistic, but do you think that was a good idea, signing it?" Sit down, Michael.
You don't look too good.
And I said, "What?! Are you saying it would have been better to leave it unsigned?" So anyway, you'll definitely get away with it.
- No.
He'll know you did it.
- I don't think so, it is very accurate.
He always knows when you're lying.
He was a barrister.
Michael, it looks exactly the same.
She never left America.
There's no way she could have signed it.
It's fine.
All you have to say is I flew to LA Oh, God - nose bleed.
- Pass me a tissue.
- Here, use this.
I'll be all right in a minute.
Why did it start bleeding like that? It's a trauma response.
I used to get them a lot as a child.
I see you've got hummus back on the menu.
I'm so proud of him.
At last, one of my clients has had the guts to say no to something.
He's just not going to do it? No.
He said it was exploiting old people and it was beneath him.
Beneath him? Didn't he do SewdqeSedrch? So what'll happen to Geriatric World? Will they just pull the plug on it? - No.
- Be quite ironic, wouldn't it? They'll get a new presenter Actually, that is quite funny - I'll make a note of that.
probably another one of my clients.
cthgy should do Celebrity Geriatric Ward.
Maybe I could get Rita on it for you.
Sorry, bit sick.
So how did it go with Michael - the poster? Yeahall right.
He wasfairly calm.
I told him to say that I flew to LA for the day and got her autograph.
Think his father will believe that? Yeah, it happens all the time when you're in the film business.
It's just that Michael doesn't strike me as a very good liar.
(DOORBELL RINGS) No, don't do that! Just once! Ah, hello again.
Come in.
Just come from Michael's cafe, have you? - Yes, Rick eats there most days.
- Can't say I care for the food there.
Well Of course, he had a very good job in the City.
- But he couldn't handle the pressure.
- It wasn't so much the pressure Do you know Christopher? His brother.
Very successful.
Lives in South Africa.
Did very well out of apartheid.
Stuck with it, you see.
Anyway, Michael tells me you managed to get my poster signed.
Yes, quite strange, really.
Just after you gave it to me, I got called out to a meeting in LA with Rita, so I took it with me, which, as it turns out, was just as well, because, well, the very next day, you know Poor Rita.
- So you flew out to meet her? - Yeah.
- And where was this meeting? - In Los Angeles.
I know.
You said that.
Where in Los Angeles? It was at her house.
And what address would that be? What's the matter? Having another one of your nose bleeds? No, I'll be fine, thanks.
Sothe address of the house where this meeting took place? North Crescent Drive.
Nice house.
Don't remember the number.
Her chauffeur drove me there.
Very good.
Just a little quiz.
I love my Rita trivia! Well, come on, come on, let's have a look.
I see.
Hang on a second, I've got something here that should Rita's autograph from 1 9q8.
Remarkable! Look at that! Hasn't changed in 60 years.
Rick, thank you.
I can't tell you how much this means to me.
Any time.
Well, I think this calls for a drink, don't you? That was amazing.
How on earth did you know where she lived? - Always do your homework.
- I totally believed you.
Well, I have been told I'm a very good actor.
I hope you like sherry.
Very nice.
Thank you.
Your health! And to Rita, a speedy recovery.
Sorry, I'm just going to have to switch the power off for a bit.
Oh, hello.
Funny seeing you here.
You know Alan, do you? What's that doing here? I was round at his house when he signed that.
I want to get high but I really can't take the pain Cos you blow away my soul like a hurricane