Lexx s02e07 Episode Script

Lexx 2.
07 Love grows I dream about your fragrance, and the splendour of your caress.
But most of all I dream about my life under your dress.
So when will we get naked, and ride on the rocket of love? When will I taste your sweet plum pie, my red haired pumpy dove? Oh - I see the handyman's come to fix things.
Welcome to the planet Orgasmos.
Are you ready to work? He's ready.
Are you sure he's up to it? Oh, he's up to it all right.
Then come on girls - let's open his toolbox.
Our machinery is top of the line.
It needs constant maintenance.
Attention to detail! Specialised parts! In fact, I think all systems require a complete overhaul Connections need tightening Gears need changing.
It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it, and do it, and do it! What'd you do that for? Tell me Rexel - are all men pigs? Oink! I remind you that you are on duty, and your vile little films are unauthorised use of the communications equipment.
Try studying the standard operating charter sometime.
So, er - anything interesting on the old screen there, robot? Not a thing - captain.
OK.
Good.
Good Captain Jebed.
Something bothering you, Lorca? Only the fact that the monitor indicates that we are illegally crossing the boundary into restricted space.
What? I had no idea.
Rexel, you're fired.
Again? We are towing category 13 biohazard material, captain.
Transport rule 5 provides strict penalties for those who transport category 13 material outside approved corridors.
Look - whatever this cargo is, the clients want it disposed of fast.
They're paying extra, and I'm accommodating them.
I will report this to the transport authority.
The transport authority? You mean the client.
OK Xev - what's it gonna take? To get you into bed.
State your terms, come on.
I'll do anything.
Stan, you're so - forward.
Oh no.
No no.
It's called desperate.
Look, I can't help it, I'm going out of my mind, jumping out of my skin - and don't tell me you aren't too.
Oh, I am.
Believe it.
So? So? No.
Look - pretend I'm Kai, OK? I don't care.
Xev - we've been out here forever, I need some love! I know - and if I could, I would, but - one look at you, and I can't.
OK, look, look, see - we don't have to touch, OK? Except when we have to touch, all right? Oh, give me something Xev, please! I'm sorry Stan.
I'm not getting what I want either.
Life is unfair.
OK.
OK.
Ladies of the universe! I am Stan - your man - Tweedle.
I am a superior example of the male human species, the guy who knows how to provide - shall we say the ultimate in sexual ecstasy.
You mean simpering idiocy! Ladies - the word is love, and I, am the word.
Whisper it soft, shout it strong, but Stanley's all night long, Stanley! Yes! I wanna do it.
- Do what? - It! I wanna do it, with you.
- I suspect that you mean sex? - Exactly.
My sex organ has not functioned for over 2000 years.
My sexual organ has never functioned.
And we both have a lot of catching up to do.
Xev, you are clearly - desirable, and beautiful, but now to me sex is just an intellectual concept.
I don't care if you're dead.
I don't care if you can only appreciate this in your mind, but I have a hyperactive libido and I need you now! I can't do this alone.
I can't do it at all.
I hate you.
I hate you! Respond, somebody, respond! I mean come on, I'm sure you've all had far worse than me - probably not that hot yourselves.
So contact me, come on, let's go! Lexx - keep listening for any incoming signals, I want to hear anything, and I mean anything, that may sound intelligent.
So that you can try to learn what intelligence is.
Understand, Lexx? Yes I do, Stan.
Scanner now online.
All systems functioning.
Oh no, the last of the men is dead.
What are we gonna do? We must have more men.
Lots of men.
Hot, hard men - all the time! I need a man right now.
I have encountered an intelligent signal Stan.
Stan Stan I have encountered an intelligent signal Stan.
Oh OK, let's hear it.
Emergency - this is a distress call from the planet Orgasmos.
We need men to come here.
We need men to serve our lust.
Here are the co-ordinates for our planet - Labial sector, quadrant Oral, parallel 69 point 69.
Plunge 90 degrees deep - Lexx - can you tell me what direction that signal came from? Yes I can, Stan.
Well, head straight for it.
Fast! As you command, Stan.
Fast as you can.
Faster than you can! Joy can be found in the little things of life.
Really, I love it.
Me too, captain sir.
Only thing better than action is more action.
Do the words pathetic disgusting male lowlifes have any resonance for you? Lowlifes, that hurts.
Pathetic and disgusting I'm entirely comfortable with.
Captain, I'm getting something on the scanner - some kind of magnetic disturbance.
Probably an ion field.
Visual? Negative, but I don't like it.
No visual, no issue.
There's your visual! We gotta blow the trailer.
- No! - It's gonna smash into us! Blow it! No, we don't deliver, we don't get paid! Put her in reverse.
We gotta get a run at this thing.
Hold her steady.
Build up some power, then when I say go, put the pedal to the metal.
I'll blow the escape pod at the same time.
That ought to give us enough thrust to break through.
- Crazy! - Maybe so.
Build up some thrust - steady, steady.
Wait, wait Hurry! Vital signs are down.
I'm blowing the pod Hull breach, engine room.
Gas leak, cargo trailer.
Damage to main engine.
Damage to guidance thrusters.
Damage to air supply.
Gas leak, cargo trailer.
Hull breach secured.
Gas leak terminated.
Damage to main engine.
Damage to guidance thrusters.
Damage to cargo trailer.
Hull breach, engine room.
Damage to guidance thrusters.
Lexx! Lexx, are we any closer to the source of that signal yet? I think so.
OK.
Right then, you got it straight huh? Now look, when we get there, we gotta - dive in at 90 degrees and, and thrust through something - damp, a swamp, no no no, something about two moons? Er, oh, I can't remember! And I can't wait.
Captain Jebed? Rexel? Are you there? Are you all right? Lorca - report.
How's the trailer? There's some damage, but the trailer seems OK.
I'm fine too, thank you for asking.
What is this stuff? Some kinda leaked cargo? Doubt it.
It's category 13 material, I expect we'd be dead by now.
Maybe we are.
What the hell is that? I don't know, but it looks like a really big bug and it's coming straight for us.
Hey, what's up with you? You know Xev - some guys like fleshy women, and other guys like 'em small and thin for that wraparound effect.
See, the smart shopper should look for what is most satisfying each day.
Now see, as a man of many and varied tastes, well, that's gonna be my approach.
I think you've finally lost your mind.
Veer left.
Veering with us! Right, right! Still on us.
I can't shake it! It's not working! Look out! Look out! What was that, Lexx? I adjusted my course slightly to consume a snack.
Abandon ship! The hatch is jammed! So Lexx - how're we doing? The snack was not very tasty.
Oh well, too bad Lexx.
Look - did you find the source of that signal yet? We've got to find that planet! What planet? One that I found.
I'm going there, and I'm gonna have an extremely good time.
We can find a necrophilia planet for you, drop you off.
Drop you on the floor! The signal is no longer being transmitted, Stan.
Well - well, you gotta relocate it.
Orgasmos, this is Stanley Tweedle.
Verify your location.
I'm a functioning man, I've got what you need! Come in! Come on, come on, let's go! So, er, have I got this right - we're inside a bug kinda thing? Yeah, you got that right - and that's where we're gonna get out - up there.
Congratulations.
You succeeded in getting us killed.
Not yet.
That's never happened before.
OK.
Come on, let's go! Go! What was that noise? I feel an upset in my digestive system.
Oh, well, really sorry to hear that Lexx, but right now we've got more important problems to contend with, like that planet Orgasmos signal and how you lost it, and how the hack we're gonna get it back.
Hang on! Rexel, get your knife.
Start cutting Hurry! Lorca, go! Go on, go! Move, come on, move! What are you doing now? Expelling the toxins that were irritating my digestive system, Stan.
Oh, that's nice Lexx, but can we get some focus back now? Orgasmos, Lexx.
Orgasmos, Orgasmos, Orgasmos! We're never gonna get through this, it's hopeless Hello? Orgasmos.
Orgasmos? Stan? What? I'm ready.
Xev! What are you saying?! Look - I can't hold out any longer.
Take me before I change my mind.
Don't toy with me Xev.
I can't take it.
Can you take this? Er - yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, Xev - we're gonna rock the heavens.
You won't regret this.
I already do.
Now shut up and kiss me.
Oh, more more more more.
Stop.
Ma'am - any chance of me getting some of that? Shower works pretty good.
You just give the ball a squeeze and that thing - squirts on you.
Thank you.
Say, er - did you guys, when you were on your ship like, you know, before Lexx ate it - did you happen to pick up a signal from a planet called Orgasmos? Not to my knowledge.
Orgasmos? It's really called that? Yeah, yeah, Orgasmos, yeah.
Yeah, I'm sure, very sure.
No.
I'm sorry.
OK.
Well, I - get yourself cleaned up.
It's OK.
I'm comfortable with my body.
OK, yeah, sure.
Your ordeal must have left you gentlemen very - hungry.
Starved, ma'am.
Ravenous.
Mmm - delectable Delightful.
Aren't you having any ma'am? Oh, not quite yet.
Once I start, I can't - stop.
Don't I get any? Serve yourself, Stan.
It's our guests who require - hospitality.
So, we lost our ship, we lost our cargo and we almost lost our lives - all because our captain can't play by the rules.
Yeah, well I don't like rules, but - I like to play.
What was your cargo? The worst kind.
Probably experimental gene drugs gone wrong.
What drugs exactly? They don't say.
Category 13 is all you have to know.
I just hope they don't damage your vessel.
The Lexx can digest just about anything.
Aren't you eating, mister? No.
The dead don't eat.
So - how did you guys miss that signal, that distress signal from the planet Orgasmos? What's so funny? It's a film, mister.
It's Bring Me To Hot Orgasmos, part 4.
Like a girlie video thing, it was playing on the Stripper before your ship ate us.
A video? Well, it's, er - it's hot in here.
Yes.
Sometimes it gets very - humid, too.
Sticky heat.
Very sticky.
Moist.
Big ship.
Yes.
Big.
Huge.
Big, and very - long.
Are you ready for some more? Oh, I'm - I'm ready.
Just a second.
I like to lick it.
I'm feeling sick.
.
I think I'll retire.
Stanley, I think you should be on the bridge.
Why? Because you have to fly the Lexx.
The Lexx can fly itself.
Gentlemen - would you please assist Stan with his responsibilities? Yes ma'am.
You know, she used to be ugly.
She was a cow! She got transformed into a love slave - only it didn't work.
Not at all! I'm so sleepy.
I think I may have to go and lay down in my bed.
Will you boys be OK? Yeah.
Yeah.
We have a problem with cockroaches here.
Cockroaches make me crazy.
Could one of you come with me and check the mattress? Captains first! Navigators second Cockroaches are a constant problem.
I'm programmed for pleasure.
I want it.
I need it - but I've never actually made love before.
I'm not even exactly sure what it is.
Will you - teach me? Higher education is my speciality.
Now, just relax.
That's it, oh yeah, just relax.
Lousy video! Paradise libida, no Orgasmos at all - Oh! Sorry to startle you, captain.
Oh, no problem.
I see you've had enough of those adolescent slobbering swine too.
Yeah.
I mean, no - I gotta go make my rounds.
I saw the way they treated you.
And that woman - obviously she didn't want anything to do with you.
Who, Xev? No, throws herself at me all the time.
But I , I choose to keep things professional, yeah.
Anyway, I really gotta go make my rounds.
It's been a while, hasn't it Stanley? A while what? You and I are in the same boat.
We both deserve much more than we get.
Well, yeah, that's true but - So - what do you say we change that equation? Are you all right? I think I must be over excited.
Well, don't be afraid of your emotions.
Nurture them.
Let them be your heart's guide.
I know I'm not pretty.
You're not exactly the catch of the day yourself.
But beyond the physical - that's where things get really interesting Well yeah, I know that, but - Stan? Trust me.
Together we can unleash the dog.
The dog? The dog of lust.
The one that howls inside.
Take me like a man, Stan.
I know you want to! Everything.
Show me everything Oh, I will.
Yeah.
Then I'll show you more.
That's good.
Oh, that's good.
I like it too - a lot.
You are so beautiful.
You are just absolutely gorgeous.
And you are wearing too many clothes.
Stanley, are you sick? No, no no no no, I'm OK.
You're overwhelmed, aren't you? I understand.
I didn't mean to be rude or anything - you shouldn't be rude either Here, let me give you a cuddle, a cuddle will make you feel much better! Oh yes, a hug, that'd be so nice.
Stanley, you tease.
I'll give you a lot more than a hug.
No, I didn't mean that.
Yes you did.
Come here! Stanley! Stan.
Some days are good days indeed.
I'm a girl.
I'm a girl! Don't just stand there, help me! Look - I want outta here right now.
What was that crap we were towing? What the hell is it doing to us? I'll tell you what it's doing to me.
It's turned me into - a woman! I don't know how I got it, but I intend to use it! Oh no.
What's happening? Well, for a start, Xev's gonna get herself some ass.
I can't.
I'm traumatised.
Me too! Wait until you see the trauma I'm packing.
Come on, sweet cheeks - drop 'em.
Your energy is too aggressive.
You just wanna use us and throw us away.
Yeah, maybe so - but I'll use you good.
Oh, Xev - darling - sir! I don't care if you've become a man on the outside.
It's the inner man I love - or woman - whatever! Thanks, robot.
I wish you had the equipment, I really do.
I don't know if it's the man in me, or the lizard in me, but suddenly I've become a lot less picky - up to a point.
Hey, don't start without me girls! They clearly introduced some kind of infection on board.
It appears that everyone has had their sex organs reversed.
It is a man made virus, designed to transport simple genetic codes to reverse the sex of those who were given it.
But this virus has several incorrect protein sequences that will cause progressive dementia, and lead to total cellular failure, killing any organism infected with it.
Within how long? Approximately 60 hours.
I would assume that is why it became category 13.
Stanley - come on out here! Something in my pants wants to meet you.
I'm a girl! It's OK, Stan.
No no no no, really.
I've got - girl parts! Oh, happy day! Can you do anything to stop it? By random gene splicing certain viral types, I can continuously produce examples until one is discovered to be a counter virus that would act as an antidote.
How long will that take? With the facilities onboard - about 7 to 12 years.
Then you should start now.
- Lexx? - Yes? Hello? What happened to your voice? I do not know.
Do you mind if I ask you something? Go ahead.
No.
I - I can't.
Please, ask.
Do you find me - I mean, am - am I - attractive? You are beautiful.
Thank you.
I'm gonna be sick.
Buck up, little buckaroo.
No - it's wrong.
Yes - it's right.
No, please, please don't do that, I - don't feel well! You feel terrific.
You know actually, you don't feel too bad yourself.
Strong, sweaty oh, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me! oh just - take me! I intend to.
You're mine, Stanley Tweedle.
I'm yours? Well? Well, what? You ready? No.
Well I am, and that's what counts in this relationship.
But - You've always wanted me - now you've got me.
What's the difference? Well, it's just that this is not quite how I expected it.
Yeah, I understand - me neither.
But this way or that way - you're on the bottom, Mrs Tweedle.
Come on baby.
Oh, gently.
Who's your daddy? Oh, who's your daddy?! OK Xev, thanks OK, but - no, I gotta go.
Don't leave, make me something to eat first.
The er - the virus that changed your sex will also kill you, within 60 hours.
That's not good.
Tweedle, you slut! What have you done?! The development of an antidote to your condition will take many years to develop.
In the interim we must put both of you into cryostasis.
Correction - Xev must enter cryostasis.
Stan must be killed and his corpse INCINERATED! I like being a man - but I 'd rather be a live one.
What was that? Running away, ladies? Oh, Oh Lorca.
It's horrible.
What are we gonna do? You're gonna lie down and spread 'em - and I'm gonna jump on and ride 'em.
You pig! Oink! I'm a man.
And I'm not.
What happened? Lexx, what happened? I did not feel good.
Now, I feel better.
An antidote, developed by Lexx's immune system.
Oh Lexx, you are one remarkable bug! I love you too, Stan.
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah, it's back.
It's back! Mine too, mine too! Well, I'm - glad that bit of fun's over.
Darlins - the funnins just begunnin.
What the hell? I am still unable to locate the Stripper crew, Stan.
Well, keep looking.
So, that's it? I'm no longer a virgin? In a certain sense, that is correct.
But you have experienced - a temporary, anomalous - condition, in which the normal state of your genitalia remained intact, so, yes, technically you are still a virgin.
Well, that's some comfort.
Stan, isn't.
Emergency, emergency - this is the planet Pornos calling for men.
We must have men.
We want to lavish our sultry bodies upon you, revelling in the forbidden pleasures of the flesh.
Respond, please respond! Oh, no.
No no no.
Vessel - our situation is desperate.
We live for love, and all of its carnal delights, but without men we're doomed.
Vessel respond, please respond! We need men - old men, fat men, ugly men - any kind of men! Save us, please save us! Ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà: DarkLight