Living In Your Car (2010) s02e07 Episode Script

Do your time to pay the price for every thing you've done wrong, baby.
In your life, you get so high there's nowhere left to go but down.
Don't believe that no one cares 'cause we're here waiting for you, baby.
Do your time then come home for then come home for good.
I'm pursuing a dream, Steve.
A dream I've had for a very long time.
She took the money that she got from selling the house, and bought herself a share in a horse farm, and off she went.
They are so great.
How much you want for your wife? Oh! This is my home, my home is your home.
And my home your home.
No, no, no, no, my home, your home.
I've got trouble trouble on my trail I hear them hound dogs barkin' I got trouble on my trail trouble on my trail yeah, yeah yeah, yeah Hey there, country folk! Why is he wearing that? He probably thinks he's being funny.
Never really grew up, I guess? No, not much.
You look like an idiot.
It's the hat, right? I thought it was too much, but the guy at the rental place said no, that's bang on.
Well I hope you brought some proper work clothes.
Well, you're looking at them, sister.
Now just think J.
R.
Ewing, you know, to get possible investors in the mood.
Oh, you think you're here for my investment party.
Well, you said you needed help.
Yes, but not Look, you know what, talk to Barb, she'll tell you what needs to be done.
Hi, Steve.
Hey, Barb! You look like an idiot.
I know, but uh, that's kinda the point.
It's-it's kinda like a joke.
Think J.
R.
Ewing, mom.
Why would I wanna do that? There's something wrong with you, isn't there, Steve? Yeah, you're not evil like a lot of people think, but when it comes to common sense, you just have a hell of a time firing on all cylinders.
I've always held you in the highest regard too, Barb.
Let's go.
Okay but it's just a nice peaceful ride, right? Last one to the northern pond, a skanky ho.
Ha! Where are your work clothes? Okay, when you say work clothes? Her desire to punish and humiliate me apparently has no limits! Well, maybe she thought you needed the money.
So she should've just given me some.
Is that what people usually do? You make it sound like I beg on the street.
On a street, in a barn, look, she's not in a position to throw money at people who can't actually help us! This place is expensive to run.
So is that why she asked you to stay on as a partner? Your capital? And my management skills.
Lori would've been over her head here.
Truth is, if this tech company she's building takes off, it'll be better if she leaves the running of the farm entirely in my hands.
So, I'll leave it to you, then.
Okay, okay.
Leave me to what, exactly? The shovel's over there.
I'm sure you can figure it out.
It's okay to admit you fell off Lori, you don't have to be embarrassed.
He got spooked, okay? Okay.
Okay.
Well, he looks okay now, so How about we finish the race? Come on, I'll give you a head start.
I'm not getting back on the horse, it nearly fell and broke its neck because you wanna race.
I'll race you on foot, then.
What? We'll let the horses go, and race back to the farm.
What is wrong with you? Nothing, I just wanna race.
- Why? - 'Cause I wanna beat you.
- Why? - 'Cause I've always liked to beat you.
Ever since we were nine and ten.
Remember? Yeah, I remember.
Fucking psycho.
Mr.
Unger? Yeah, hi.
Edward Edward, is that-is that you? Uh-huh.
Holy! I haven't seen you since you- well, you were very young.
What's that, ten, twelve years ago! Yeah, when uh, Mrs.
Unger was riding at Aunt Barb's school.
Barb's your aunt? I never knew that.
Not my real aunt, my mom's been her housekeeper for years And I just What are you doing? Well, since getting out of prison, I've tried my hand at a number of adventures.
I meant uh, right now.
Oh, well, right now I'm Uh, I can't believe I'm about to say this, I'm shovelling shit into this bin here.
Yeah, it's the wrong bin.
The manure bin's over there.
That one's for feed.
Oh.
I won! Yes! Did you see that? I beat her! I beat her every time! Every single time.
- It's just weird, isn't it? - Sure is.
Where are your horses? Oh, we let them go, they're following us back to the farm.
We're the only ones who broke a sweat, so you're not gonna have to worry about too much of a rubdown, Steve.
Why-why you telling me that? Because that's your job.
Edward will show you how it's done, okay, Edward? Just so he gets the hang of it? Yeah, no problem, I'll bring them in.
Yeah okay, I'm sorry to spoil your fun here Lori, but you know I'm still pretty nervous around horses, Well, get over it.
You wanted a job, and I gave you a job.
You know very well this isn't the job that I thought you wanted me to do.
Well, that's the job I'm giving you.
No, but I mean on the phone call, it was oh Steve, Steve, I really- Well, it would be a blast to hang around and listen to the two of you bicker.
But I'm gonna go check on mom.
She started a new heart medication, and she's not responding to it well.
Hey Lor, how about a swim across the lake tonight? You mean, race across the lake, don't you? Yeah.
Yes, I do.
I hate her.
Oh, okay.
So uh, why are you still her friend? Oh, because she needs me, Steve.
Needs to beat you at things, you mean.
Yeah, now more than ever.
'Cause she hates the fact that Barb's my partner in the farm.
She hates the fact that I'm starting my own company, the only thing that makes her happy is that you've become such a colossal loser.
Yeah, so.
Is that why you've got me shovelling shit? Yeah, because I want her to see that I'm enjoying your downfall more than she is.
I gotta go rest for this goddamn swim tonight.
Lori, you know what? You should really be using me at this thing, I'm sure I can help.
Help clear the room, maybe.
There's a very good chance people would just rush to the door the moment they see your face, you know.
There's a lot you don't understand about running a business, Lori! A lot less than you think, pal.
What are my parents doing here? Oh, they're thinking of putting money in my company.
Oh really? They never put any in mine! And that's why they don't live under a bridge.
What's he doing here? Oh, it's nice to see you too, Dad.
W-we're not gonna invest in anything he's involved in! That's okay, she's only using me as a stable boy.
Smart girl.
Well maybe you wouldn't have had to take so many shortcuts if you'd come up with a product as good as hers.
A product that can actually help people function better as they age.
Oh, come on.
Some computerized voice telling me when to go to the toilet, and take your pills.
Could be a life saver.
Some people need to be reminded that they've taken their pills.
Or that the pills they're about to take are actually their wives'.
It helps people remain as independent as possible.
And that system is just one of the many products geared to the aging boomer population that Lori has in development.
We're very proud of you, sweetie.
Thanks, it means a lot.
Yeah, parental support can sometimes mean the difference between huge success, and dismal failure.
Quiet, Steve.
Why don't you guys head into the house, and Mary'll show you your room, and I'll see you at dinner.
You're looking a bit stupid, dear.
Who are all these people? Oh, innovators.
When Kate introduced me to Max and Clare, I had no idea there was a huge community of innovative people out there.
Just looking for someone to believe in them and their products.
Really? So how did you go about picking the products to believe in? Just listened to my gut.
What the hell kinda car is he driving? Oh, he bought that when mom was in Europe.
And what the hell's she wearing? She's in mourning.
For whom? All of her Polish friends were murdered last week.
You mean those mobsters your father sold her to? What are you talking about? Those were her friends in Warsaw! "Sold her to.
" You know, you've become a real jerk.
Hey, that's what he told me! Hi, honey.
Hi, Dad.
How you doing? She can't tell you.
Grandpa Phil found out that Polish women aren't allowed to talk when they're in mourning.
I don't think that's true, Dad.
Yeah, and even if it is, the woman isn't Polish, for God's sake! Hey! She grew extremely close to those people! So we should let her honour their memory, all right? It's only for a year.
Where you going, Kate? To see Edward.
Who's Edward? Oh, Barbara's housekeeper's son.
He works in the barn when he's not in school.
Ah No wonder she was so eager to come along.
Really, Edward? I'm not sure how I feel about that.
No one cares how you feel about that.
Besides, they're just friends.
She was only sixteen only sixteen.
But I loved her so oh but she was too young to fall in love.
And I was too young to know Oops.
Knock, knock, hello! What the are you doing here? I'm a potential investor.
What the hell are you doing here? Yeah well, I thought Lori might need me close at hand.
Why? For business advice! - What else? - Comic relief.
So are you gonna show me my room? Oh, please.
My dress shoes need polishing.
Where's your idiot partner? You mean Marty? He's no idiot.
Oh, Neil.
Yeah, yeah.
He still taking meetings on the coast, is he? Maybe, ah truth is, Neil and I are taking a break from each other.
You dumped him.
I just thought a little hiatus would strengthen our- He dumped you.
Now you're just being stupid.
I'm gonna go find the little boys' room.
Yeah, you know if any more of Lori's former boyfriends are gonna show up? Boomers still hold most of the power in the marketplace.
If you find a product they need, you will make money.
Uh, when they developed sensitive teeth, there was a special toothpaste.
When they needed help with uh, their aching joints, wrinkling skin, sexual dysfunction, products to address those problems were available almost immediately.
And now when they're reaching a point in their life when the thing they value most, their independence, is seriously threatened, we're gonna offer them a product that will help them keep it.
Success is guaranteed, success on a huge scale.
Thank you.
Jeez! Are you okay, Dad? Gaah! Oh yeah, yeah.
I-I was just overcome with pride.
Um that was a sensational presentation, honey.
On behalf of everyone here, I can say that uh Bitch! What the hell? You are still a genuine nutbar, aren't you, Lola? Oh, go to hell! You two thought I was gonna sit here, and watch you make eyes at each other all night? Oh, really! And now you've made me break my vow of silence, you deceitful bitch! Is there some way this loon can be sedated? What's this vow of silence? Yeah, she's in mourning for a bunch of Polish gangsters.
What's going on with Lola and Barbara? Yeah, well your grandmother has always believed that uh Phil and Barbara had an affair.
Will you stay out of this, please? That's why your mother stopped taking riding lessons here.
Is that true, mom? No, uh We really couldn't afford them anymore, after my dad lost his Scrap metal business.
So you don't think that they had an affair? Yeah, sure she does! - Shut up! - Really! Um excuse me sir, you have an important call from Los Angeles.
Oh, yes.
What are you doing? Bethany suggested I join you after I finished my domestic chores.
Oh, she did, did she? Yeah, she said you would be okay with it.
Don't you see what she's trying to do? You mean, besides being civil? She's trying to sabotage me, you moron! No one's gonna invest in the company if they think you're involved! Okay Uh excuse me everyone, can I just have your uh, your attention please? Yeah, I just want you all to know that I have nothing to do with Lori's venture.
I'm just here for the food.
Oh yeah, me too.
And the wine.
Yeah, great.
Jeez, what was that for? I told you not to look at her! Come on, I was looking at her because she looked at me! I'm telling you, Phil, you start up with her again, and you are both dead meat, and I mean it! If you'll all excuse me, I am feeling a little queasy! Oh Edward, do you mind helping me upstairs? I can help you, mom.
Oh no dear, no, you stay and enjoy yourself.
I'm-I'm sure it's nothing.
Don't anyone worry, okay? No problem there, horse face! Addle braieded bitch! Don't even go for it.
Go for what? You are just sitting here trying to come up with some bullshit excuse so you can go and join her! Sweetheart, you've gotta get a hold of yourself! I agree.
Shut up, slut! Here, suck on that! Suck on How dare you?! What is wrong with you? I need help out here! What happened? Oh! Oh my God! What happened? What happened? - She just collapsed! - I'm calling 911! Thank you! Do you really think you should be filming this? Someone needs to record the events, you know, in case anyone wants to litigate.
- Is she breathing? - Oh! She is my mother, I will ask if she is breathing! Is she breathing? What are you- what are you doing?! Get off of her! No, he's doing- he's helping her! He's molesting her! Let me in there! She needs mouth to mouth! No! You're just looking for an excuse to stick your tongue down her throat! Get the hell away from her! No, Kate! I'm gonna do it! Oh! Ah! Lori! I'm gonna demand an autopsy.
I'm sorry? Well, it just occurred to me that Bethany had some compelling reasons to want her mother gone.
Such as? Barb shared the farm for one reason.
Once she's got that, she'll probably come after me! Is there any chance that you accidentally overmedicated yourself today? She's a bad person.
Who knows how far she'll go for her own gain, or to screw me over! Oh okay, I know she can be you know, a pain in the ass, and she's a bit self serving, but a murderer? I just don't think we should discount the possibility.
Look at her, I mean, what is wrong with her? Her mother hasn't even been dead for 24 hours.
Yeah, she's probably trying to get herself in one of his TV shows.
Yeah.
What exactly is going on with them, anyway? Oh, get over Steve, he's a good kid.
No, if he kisses her on the forehead in public, what does he do in private? Shhh! Ahem! I-I know that some of you Think that this is a bit too soon to be doing this, but my mother taught me to get things done as soon as possible.
Well, sweetie, by that she probably meant sometime after the funeral.
I guess you didn't know her as well as you think.
She told me that there were explicit instructions in the will that meant it had to be read right away.
Okay now, for the record, in case anyone decided to dispute the will, we thought that we should record this This momentous occasion.
Who's we? - Me.
- Of course.
Now will you verify that this is your mother's signature? Yes, it is.
- To- yes, my darling Lori, - what?! It has a blessing to have you with me these past few months, and our friendship has given me such joy, and it is my great pleasure to leave you my precious horse Matlock.
I know you will treat him with the love and the respect that he deserves.
Ex-excuse me, is this the right will, because Lori wasn't in it before! She redid it when they became partners in the farm.
- How do you know that? - She told me.
She also said there was a registered copy at her lawyer's office in case anyone tried to dispute it.
Why would she think that anyone would try to dispute it? And to my daughter Bethany, whom I love very much despite her many flaws, I leave my vintage cars, and my property in Boca Raton.
And finally, to my beloved Edward That's it?! To my beloved Edward, my son, the light of my life, I leave the rest of my estate, including my share of the farm.
My mother doesn't have a son! That's pretty much it, the rest are incidentals for staff, you did quite well in here, Mary.
No, no, no, this is not going to stand up in a court of law! You! You pulled this! I had nothing to do- Oh, you show up, she changes her will, he's suddenly her son?! Actually doll, I've got a copy of his birth certificate right here.
Can I see that? Born on October 12th, to Barbara Malone, and the initials Father P.
K.
P.
K.
! As in Phil, the cheating bastard Klein! Come on! We didn't do that, come on! You've been trying to get in her diapers all weekend! That was a long time ago! You son of a whore! It happened a couple of times.
A couple of times?! - Oh, come on! - You did it to her a couple of times? You prick! Sit down, and shut up, or I'll cut your balls off! So I guess that my grandfather is your father, and you're my uncle? - Oh, no! - What a bummer, eh? I finally find a great guy, with a good sense of humour who thinks that I'm awesome, and he might be my uncle? I wouldn't worry about it too much.
He doesn't look anything like me.
I'd like proof a little bit more concrete than that.
Yeah, well that's what we're looking for.
Come to think of it though, the timing works just right, 'cause your mother was taking riding lessons here, and Barb and I Okay, no details, please.
Uh well, sure.
But uh, I mean, even if he is my son, he'd only be your half uncle! Great! Phone bills from 30 years ago, newspaper articles, old horse show programs? The woman kept everything! Yeah, she was very sentimental.
It was one of the things that aha! - What? - She kept a diary.
Let's see Dammit, ends in '71.
Well, maybe there's-here.
Here's another one.
- Let's see.
- Let's see what's in this one.
Here it is.
He can't be my child, he was born in October, and we'd stopped Uh seeing each other, you know, um The previous August, so.
That's great, then.
Yeah Says here the father That's the P.
K.
? She was sleeping with Paulie Kipman? Who's that? Her gardner! She was quite the busy woman.
Yeah, you might say that.
What's wrong, this is great news! You don't have an illegitimate child, and-and I'm not in love with my uncle! I guess I kinda liked the idea of having a son.
Oh, especially a son who just inherited a valuable horse farm? Oh, come on honey, really! - Holy shit! - What? You know that horse that Barb gave your mother? Matlock? Matlock, whatever.
He's a nasty! Wait, he's a-he's a what? It says here he's from a farm down south, from a line of nasty horses, he was sired His father was Nasty Chicken! He was a champion! Nasty Chicken? That's a ridiculous name for a horse.
Well, Matlock's that much better, really? But-but the Nastys are the most important bloodline in the sport! So that means that mom's horse is worth a lot.
Oh, yeah.
Most importantly, its value as a breeder.
You certainly know a lot about this stuff, Grandpa.
Do I? Thank you.
Where you off to? I wanna tell Edward that we're not related.
Great.
- What's wrong? - Kate.
Well, Steve, what's wrong with Kate? Well she What are you guys doing? Oh, are these the investment forms? Okay, so how much did they put in, Lor? Okay Steve, tell me what's going on Ten thousand? Really? Okay, well let's see.
That's uh, what? Ten thousand more than they invested with me.
Get over it! I would like to Dad, I really would, but it's kind of difficult, you know? Tell me what's going on, is Kate okay? Yeah, she's- well, it depends on what you mean by okay.
You know, she's I caught her She's making out with Edward.
- Where? - In the stable! Was her shirt off? What? Was it? What? I don't know! I mean, I didn't get that good a look! Did you ever talk to her about condoms? Well, either of you? - No - I mean no, I mean she's-she's almost seventeen, and she knows so much about everything already, so.
Well, sometimes the most important things can slip through the cracks, dear.
She's right.
Shit! Never fails to amaze me how easy it is to pull their strings.
And it's just as much fun now as it was the first time.
Yeah, like when we told them we were joining that swingers club.
Or when we said we were going to describe our first orgy to them.
Yeah.
You know, whenever I feel a little down, I just have to think of them sitting there with that stupid look on their faces, and I cheer right up.
But Lori owns the horse now.
Why do we have to steal the semen? Because we need some, in case the will is challenged in court! You-you want us to jerk off a horse? Yeah, I don't think that's what it's called.
I don't care what it's called, that's what it is! You've gotta understand we're talking about very valuable DNA here! Nothing is valuable enough to make me wanna do that! Yeah, I find that hard to believe.
What's that supposed to mean? Yeah, but look at all the things that you've done for reality television.
Okay.
There is a big difference between what I am willing to do to create compelling programming, and-and-and jacking off a goddamn animal! Which I'm pretty certain is illegal, by the way.
You're both gonna have to be men about this, if you want in on it.
I don't see how you can equate manliness with bestiality! Yeah, me neither, Phil! Really Steve, I thought you'd recognize a good idea when it was presented.
Well, sure okay, I mean, but if the horse just handed you know, the - Semen.
- The-over to us, then that would be one thing, but come on! Okay, look.
We'll hold it for you.
We can do that, right Steve? Yeah, okay, yeah.
We'll hold, you tug.
No, no, no, I'm pretty sure this is a job for younger men.
See I've got the ideas, the contacts, I know where to take the stuff once it's Out? Out.
I mean, it's only fair you guys do the rest.
Are you in, or out? Where's the jar? I told you to bring a jar! How are we gonna put it all into a little jar? Well, he didn't say a little jar.
The bucket's better, trust me.
Huh, haven't you ever seen a horse ejaculate? Uh no, have you? Just trust me! There's nothing more humbling than an angry equine penis.
What are those towels for? Well, I wasn't actually planning on touching the horse.
You're gonna masturbate a horse without touching it? I'm fairly certain that the actual touching breaks all kinds of laws! And the towels make it better somehow? Well, better for me, anyway.
Okay, we'll just cross one hand over the other, move the loop in the towel up and down.
Okay? You take one en of the towel, take the other end of the towel, loop it over, now we just move it back and forth like you're drying yourself off! Okay, no, no, forget about it, that's just-that's absurd.
It's too complicated.
I'll just do it myself.
- Really?! - Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Shit! Okay! Aaah! Well, what other reason could there be? Nobody would do that to a horse unless they knew the sperm was very valuable.
I don't know why she didn't leave it to me! Maybe she hated me.
All I know is I get that shack in the swamp, and my good friend walks away with a multimillion dollar racehorse! And why? Why? Just because my mother couldn't keep her fucking legs closed? In front of her crook of a father? Oh, and that child, that little bastard child of that union? He walks away with this entire farm? It's bullshit! No, I am not letting this happen.
Do you still have that horse trailer? Good.
Okay.
Now we have to wait until all these pathetic assholes clear out of here.
So what are you saying? He's saying this proves he was right about the horse being valuable! I heard the words from her own mouth.
Multimillion dollar racehorse.
So what do you want us to do? He means since we are unable to complete our first assignment.
No, it really is a very hard thing to do.
Well, that's all right, I've changed plans.
What, you're gonna hire a professional horse masturbator? We're not gonna take the semen.
We're not? No.
We're gonna take the whole friggin' horse.
Take the horse? For safety, it's worth a lot of money, sweetheart.
And I have reason to believe that Bethany is planning to abduct it! What are you talking about? I overheard a telephone conversation she had with her accomplice.
We have reason to think that Bethany might- MAy have murdered her mother.
Yeah, it's only a theory.
Oh, I wish Marty was here with his insightful narration.
This'd make a fantastic fuckin' episode.
Episode of what? Anything! So you wanna hide the horse that Barbara gave me because It's capable of producing millions of dollars worth of sperm.
Right, and you wanna Hide it away before Bethany can get her hands on it.
Because the horse is more valuable than I am? Who knows what she's planning to do to me! Well, probably nothing, but It'd make a great plot point.
Except that if I'm out of the picture, she can do whatever she wants with the horse.
Did-did that occur to anyone? So you want us to protect you too, somehow.
You mean hide her, with the horse.
Oh! Slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, stop, stop! Shhh! Jeez, this thing is a a bugger to manoeuvre.
Slamming the door? Okay, where's the horse? Steve went to get it.
I told you to have him waiting here! Oh yeah, we're gonna stand around with a stolen horse, waiting for you! Hey, are you all right, Steve? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I wanted to warn Edward.
What, about Bethany? Yeah, yeah, he could be her next target! You mean, after she kills Lori? Not that we're gonna let that happen! - Yeah, right! - Right.
Phil, where we taking him? Well, I've got a buddy with a farm an hour away, we can keep him there until we get things sorted out.
Okay, come on.
Right up here, come on boy, it's gonna be fine.
Come on, there's a good stallion.
What the hell do you fucknuts think you're doing? Hey, it's all right, we're just airing him out.
You're stealing my horse.
No, no, this isn't your horse, okay? Barbara left this horse to Lori.
I'm having that bullshit will overturned.
Obviously my mother was out of her mind, so put the animal back in the barn! No, I'm sorry, we can't do that.
I said, put it back, Steve.
Or do you want me to get very, very angry with you? No, no, I don't, but- it's my horse! No, he's not! And we're not letting you take him! Oh, give me the horse! You're the one stealing it! Forget the horse.
I'll just take his seed.
- His what?! - His seed! - Do it! - What are you-? Well, that's what this is all about, isn't it? I just want my fair share.
That is a violation of this horse's rights! Oh please, you were doing exactly the same thing last night.
Yeah, but we stopped beususe it made us feel bad! Oh, you stopped because you couldn't figure it out.
Why don't you stick around, watch, learn.
Oh Jesus, come on boy, come on! Toby, would you give me a hand? There's no way I can let this moment go undocumented.
Jesus, what is she He's not enjoying this at all! Oh, you well, could've fooled me.
Step away from the horse! Shit! Just- I'll do it! Besides the bestiality charge, you might wanna look into the possibility that she murder her mother.
Oh, you're nuts.
I didn't murder my mother.
And even I did, Steve, it's none of your goddamn business! She's so weird! Who called the cops, anyway? Edward did.
Yeah, I had no idea what was happening.
I thought someone was breaking into the stables.
So what about Matlock? Yeah, yeah, what's going to happen to the horse? He can stay here, and hopefully, people will stop invading his privacy.
So this is a good idea, right? Yeah.
You wanted out of the farm? Yeah, Edward's buying me out at a generous price.
He's a good kid.
I know.
Here.
What's this? I'm investing in your business.
Oh, my God Kate, where did you get this kind of money? Saving, investing, working hard, nothing sinister, Mom.
OhUh I-I-I can't I can't take this kind of money.
I trust you.
I think it's a wise investment! A system to help demented boomers could be very lucrative.
Hey, don't get all sentimental.
Just take it, and work your butt off to make me a profit.
All right?