Lopez (2016) s02e07 Episode Script

1 [speaking Mandarin.]
Ay-yi-yi-yi.
Wow, that's impressive.
You speak Chinese.
It's Mandarin.
Because that's my factory in Shanghai.
I mean, it's a bitch because, used to be fine with just Cantonese.
Anyway, I just doubled our grill order.
Oh, my God, double? We're not even through dinner.
Hope I can sell all those grills.
Oh, you guys will be able to sell them, no problem.
You and Hector.
Ah, right.
Right, right, Hector.
The kid has got charisma.
Where did you find him? Uh, you know, Hector kind of found me.
Oh, like a cute little lost puppy.
Yeah, like a puppy with a rap sheet.
Puppy on parole.
I prefer dogs that are a little bit older.
You know, they're loyal, they have incredible character.
When you want them, they're there.
When you're in bed, they cuddle up next to you.
Mmm, mmm.
Yes, I do love dogs.
You know, Lori, I'm not in a hurry, but I haven't seen a waiter in hours.
They know I like my privacy.
Oh.
Well, then I'm getting the bill, okay? Mmm, there is no bill.
I own the place.
Nice.
All right, next time, I'm taking you out.
How's Wednesday? - Perfect.
- Okay.
Can I pick you up around 8:00? No, I don't know where I'm gonna be, so I'll pick you up.
Okay.
You're so far away over there.
[patting seat.]
I won't hurt.
Are you starting to trust me? [clears throat.]
I'm getting there.
Good.
[laughter.]
What a night, huh? I know.
What did I tell you? Olly.
Mom made coffee and soup.
You want some? Yes.
No, wait.
Rachel, we don't have a meeting.
Is everything okay? Everything is great.
And there's great buzz on Baxter's draft of "Valleys.
" Okay, but he hasn't even turned in yet.
Olly, buzz is buzz.
Yeah.
Buzz is buzz.
I know buzz is buzz.
You don't have to tell me buzz is buzz.
Bees everywhere.
Ugh, I better get to work.
Yeah, you better.
Oh! - [door shuts.]
- What was Rachel doing here? Oh, I met Jason and Rachel at that showcase that you wanted me to go to, but Jason had to go home to his wife, so me and Rachel kept the night going.
Girl can da-ance! She slept over.
Like a slumber party or Oh.
You and Rachel.
Wait, are you lesbians? No.
I mean, I don't know about Rach, but I'm not into categories and limits like your generation.
I'm only two years older than you.
I know, and Rachel couldn't believe it.
Jason.
I specifically told you to keep having sex with Jason.
I am.
Jason and Rachel work together.
Damn it, Pfeiffer, do not mess this up for me.
I'm not, I didn't know it was gonna be a problem.
Yeah, because you never think anything is a problem.
Fine.
I'll stop seeing Rachel.
Yes! Or no, don't.
Don't break up with her, 'cause then she's gonna be upset.
And she's gonna cry at work and Jason's gonna be like, why are you crying at work? And then everything's gonna go sideways.
Just Could you just keep everyone happy? Yes, sir.
Don't ever do that to me.
That's a thing I do.
This is mine.
Hey! And stop asking if you're gonna use this in real life.
- [bell rings.]
- Mm-hmm.
Now, get, get! Get on up out of here.
Oh, not you, Manolo the cholo.
Yes, Miss Wendy? I enjoyed watching you rap up there on stage the other night.
You looked real cute.
Thanks.
No one's ever called me cute before, except one time in jail.
I had to break his nose with a cafeteria tray.
Oh, well, he had that coming.
I noticed your grades have been slipping, though.
Is everything all right at home? Yeah, I got no excuse.
The work is just getting tougher.
Or maybe I'm just dumb.
Manolo, you are not dumb.
What a stupid thing to say.
I need to find a way to get through to you.
I think you need a little one-on-one attention.
What do you say you come over to my condo, maybe Thursday, 8:00? Thanks, Miss Wendy, that would be great.
I'm gonna send you my address, but I won't be using my school account, I'll be using my Hotmail account.
You got two e-mails? Damn, you're successful.
[giggles.]
Damn, George.
This grill gets it done.
I will give it a six hollas.
Six hollas? What's that? I'm blowing up so big, Olly got me a gig at Holla.
It's like Yelp, but even better.
It's got six stars instead of five.
Oh, that's one better.
That's a game-changer.
Yo, G, check this out.
This picture of Coco and your writer is on TMZ.
Oh, yeah, look at that.
Wait a minute, but there's no mention of "Valleys" or anything, huh? - Nah.
- Damn.
So check this out.
Lori gave me an app that tracks the real-time sales of the George Lopez Grill.
- Damn! - Yeah.
And you know, she wants me to do a show next Next week if you wanna You wanna do it with me, if you got [clears throat.]
you know, it's a good time.
Seriously? Thanks, George.
Wait, hold up.
Is this, like, a job? Yeah, it's kind of like a job, Hector, but here's the thing.
It's very important, okay, because we are professionals that you have no fraternizing with any of the ladies at GBN, okay? Because it's important to stay professional with, like, anybody in shipping or anybody at the top, you know, like the boss, like Lori, you know.
Uh-huh.
But what about you and Lori? Sounds like y'all had quite a little celebration.
Okay, listen, we're colleagues.
We're equals, okay? So we spend time together.
That's fine, you understand, Hector? Uh no.
Okay, so if Lori and I date, that's cool, but I think if you get involved with her, I think it's a violation of your parole.
- Wha - And the penal code.
You know what? I'm gonna go look that up right now.
It's in the high 800s.
Ah, George.
Great news.
I booked you a college gig.
I thought I couldn't do standup.
That's the best part.
Technically, this isn't standup.
I booked you through the Latino Student Union as a guest lecturer.
Oh, my God, that's great, Olly, thanks.
Right? The theme is Latinos in new media.
This is exactly what you need to make yourself more relevant.
You, doing your thing in a room full of young, hip millennials.
- It's perfect.
- What school is it? You're gonna like this part.
San Fernando Valley University.
Oh, that's a school in the old neighborhood.
Oh, you You think they'll give me, like, an honorary degree or something? I can ask.
Ask if they give me a doctorate, if it includes being able to write prescriptions.
George.
Hey.
Great to see you.
I've been looking forward to this all day.
Oh, me too.
Had the most stressful day at work.
Some activists in Guangdong are trying to knock it down to a 14-hour workday.
How dare they? [laughs.]
Don't piss 'em off, 'cause the world is running out of ethnicities to exploit.
Well, I hope you're hungry because there is this great new Basque place downtown.
Oh, nice.
I'm picking up the check this time, okay? You don't own this place, do you? No, not yet, but I really can't wait to see if the changurro is any good.
I've never actually bought a restaurant - without tasting the, uh - Changurro.
[cell phone ringing.]
- Pardon me for one second.
- Sure.
Mr.
Wu? Yeah, it's so nice to hear from you.
[speaking Mandarin.]
- How how.
- How how.
Oh, good question.
Let me check my notes.
- You coming out? - Yeah.
Okay, oh, all right.
- [whispering.]
One second.
- Okay, sure.
Oh, okay, let me get that.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
You in? Yeah.
[speaking Mandarin.]
Hey, George, this is gonna take a while.
- Do you mind driving? - Uh, no.
Let me just run and get my keys.
No, no, no, this, right here.
All right.
Yeah.
Oh, and take the 2.
There's never any traffic.
Oh, okay.
[speaking Mandarin.]
Is the temperature good? [Manolo.]
So jefe, how did you deal with Lori? [George.]
Beautiful.
Let me tell you something.
Lori knows what she wants.
A less confident guy might be intimidated, but not me, I'm secure.
Totally secure.
Hey, you can tell I'm secure, huh? Very secure.
You see, Manolo, that's why I like you, you get me, man.
Ooh, there is already a lot of chatter about your lecture.
Yes, I've noticed an increase in hate tweets from racists.
And an increase in grill sales.
I wonder if there's a relationship there.
Oh, and they agreed about your honorary degree.
It's gonna be in arts and letters.
Oh, man, arts and letters, I like that.
Hey, Manolo, look at us, man.
You with a high school diploma and me with a university degree.
When we get 'em, we should drive up and down Glen Oaks with our cap and gown, honking the horn.
You know, this place would be good, too, for like, a storyline for "Valleys.
" Hmm.
You know, college.
Drugs and sex.
I wonder if they have a lacrosse team.
[man.]
Build the wall! [crowd chanting.]
Build the wall! Build the wall! Build the wall! Hey, assholes.
Still no wall? What are you waiting for, permits? Ha ha! Hey.
Hi, George! We are so happy to have you.
I'm Stephanie, head of the CCLL Student Outreach Committee.
This is Bjorn Swetbrot.
Bjorn Swetbrot? Are you Mexican? Argentine.
My parents moved there from Norway in the '80s and had me and then moved to L.
A.
I guess you could say I'm a dreamer, except that I'm fully documented and I'm a U.
S.
citizen.
Yeah, you don't have to apologize.
But it never hurts.
I'm the head of the Chicano-slash-Chicana- slash-Latino- slash-Latina student movement.
Right.
Wow.
Well, congratulations.
For saying all that, I got something for you, I got one of my new George Lopez grills, one for each of you.
Oh! So, you ready? Listo.
That means ready.
Right this way.
Hey, did you see the protestors out there? Yeah, but don't worry.
They aren't allowed on campus.
They have to stay behind the sidewalk.
We're trying to do the same thing with the Young Republicans.
No, invite 'em in, I can take it.
Mix it up a little, put 'em in their place, and who knows? Maybe if I make 'em laugh, we might be able to change their mind.
I have heard them say the most offensive things.
They don't believe in safe speech.
Come on, man.
Sticks and stones.
We used tear gas on them.
- [rhythmic clapping.]
- Oh.
It's showtime! It is my pleasure to introduce a pioneer of racial and gender egalitization and one of the great Latin ex-performers of our time, George Lopez! [applause.]
Muchisimas gracias.
And I wanna say, how are ze doing tonight? [laughter.]
That is a non-gender biased pronoun.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, listen, I'm honored to be on your campus.
The last time I was here, the cops were called pigs and I was being busted for holding a lid.
That's when weed was called pot and you had to get it from your cousin, the shiftless weed dealer, and now you get it from your cousin, the weed doctor.
Weed rules! You know, I'm still kind of adjusting to Donald Trump being president, I gotta tell you.
- [booing.]
- Right? I'm not saying that he's our first fascist president.
Wait a minute, I think I am saying that he's our first fascist president, huh? That's right.
Donald Trump has a problem with immigrants, I say, stop marrying 'em.
Let me tell you something.
I don't know what problem Donald Trump has with Mexicans.
He sucks! That's right, he sucks.
He don't like Mexicans.
Let me tell you something.
Donald Trump is Mexican.
He's got all the signs.
He's got kids from three different women.
[gasping.]
- He don't pay his taxes.
- Boo! And he's not taking a salary for being president.
Only a Mexican could take a job from a black guy and do it for less money.
[booing.]
Hey, come on, I'm making fun of Trump.
- These are jokes.
- Racism isn't funny! Maybe not in your hands.
That's why you leave it - to a professional.
What are you doing? - Cut his mic, Lance.
Listen, go back and stand over there in the dark where you were.
Lance, you touch that mic, I'll unscrew your fist and I'll throw it on the top of this [bleep.]
auditorium.
Listen, you guys.
Are you really afraid of hearing words? I'm talking about freedom of speech here.
[booing.]
You guys are booing freedom of speech? It's the number-one constitutional right that you have.
That's why it's number one, it's the most important, and number two is the right to bear arms.
- [booing intensifies.]
- Make him stop! Listen.
You should be able to hear anybody say anything.
If I wanted to say that I thought Donald Trump has made America great and he belongs on Mount Rushmore, I hope that you would think that that was a joke, all right? Come on.
So what What, now you're gonna just leave? You know what? You're a bunch of useless pussies.
Entitled pussies.
Let me give you a tip into your future.
Pull up to the next window, please.
I still want my degree.
Where's that girl with the green t-shirt? Hey, green girl, I see you.
I still want that degree.
I just lost it.
I didn't even notice.
They booed the Constitution! And not laughing at your jokes.
That too.
Hey, we gotta get you some contacts.
I can't wear them.
My eyes are too dry.
Hello.
Wow, that was fast.
What? Uh, nothing.
Just the tweets.
- And the Instagrams, wow.
- So what now? College kids hate me as much as racists do? No.
You know what? It's no big deal.
Nobody pays attention to college kids anyway, 'cause they're always protesting things like Halloween and the national anthem and they're all on Adderall anyway.
What about building up my relevance with a younger, hipper audience? Let's circle back on that.
Hmm.
I think we got a case.
So the denominator is five.
That would make "X" 12? That's very good, Manolo.
You are really starting to learn algebra.
Thanks.
But what I really want to learn about is Wendy's bra.
Manolo, what makes you think you can talk to me that way? Sorry, I just assumed because your hand was creeping up my thigh.
Oh, so it is.
This damn thing has got a mind of its own.
Wait, wait, wait.
Now, we have to keep this relationship a secret.
We have a relationship? Do you want a relationship? Hell, yeah.
Okay, good, well, get on over here, then.
Wait.
George says not to.
What? Who the hell is George? George Lopez, my boss.
Oh.
Well, it is against school district policy for me to be dating you, but that's why we have to keep it a secret.
Sort of makes it exciting, doesn't it? Yeah.
Have you done this with a student before? No.
Oh, you know what you want? Hi.
I'll have an order of tacos al pastor and an order of beef tamales.
Mm-hmm.
Why don't you go to Taco Bell with the rest of the gringos? [man.]
Or get some kale! Gringos love kale.
Yeah, why don't you go eat some kale? What are you talking about? "Latinos for Trump?" What? My God, Latinos for Trump, there's no such thing.
Oh, it gets worse.
A white supremacist group posted the picture and has been retweeting it constantly.
Their social media presence is really impressive.
I can't believe this.
Like, I didn't peg you for a white nationalist, George, but that can explain why you always get testy with me.
Well, at least they're saying some very nice things about you and there's a lot of likes, and you can't say this isn't relevant.
Are you crazy? It's bad relevant.
It's very bad relevant, yeah.
I've gotten a lot of calls from the network - that I'm not returning.
- You see? This is gonna screw up "Valleys" for me.
- Oh, shoot.
- What now? Ah! The President of the United States just weighed in on this.
"George Lopez is one of the good ones, fantastic.
" Son of a bitch! This is great news,jefe.
Maybe now you can stay.
Man.
Of all the white people to support me, why couldn't it be, like, the United States Tennis Association? Why's it gotta be white supremacists? I could get some of the guys from the old gang to give them a beatdown.
Nope, I think that's a clear parole violation.
Yeah, that's right.
That It is a violation.
So, listen.
We don't want to hurt any hatemongers, all right? If some of your friends just happen to find out where those dudes are and want to take matters into their own hands, allegedly, I don't want you involved or a thousand feet from something that's not happening.
I think I got it.
Oh, and jefe, I was gonna go over to Wendy's and study, if it's okay with you.
Yeah, man, of course, Manolo, you can study all night.
So you're not disappointed with me for making honey with money? Come on, big sexy! Hell, no, man.
It's your time now, all right.
And there's a lot of gray areas in that now.
Oh, like you and Lori? Yeah, like me and Lori.
I don't even know where I stand with Lori, man, it's hard to tell with her.
But we're going out tonight so I gotta - [phone alert.]
- What's this? From Olly.
The network is trying to track me down to discuss the situation.
Don't answer my phone.
Now I can't answer my phone! If you're going out with Lori, do you want Hector to drive you? No, she's gonna pick me up.
She's picking you up again? That don't sound like my macho friend George Lopez.
No.
Doesn't sound like me, but you know what? The way things are going right now, I just need a little sunshine on me, man.
Let somebody else make sure everything's all right.
If the phone rings, don't answer it.
I'm avoiding the network.
Not a problem.
I don't answer anyway.
Why are you avoiding me? I'm not avoiding you.
Yes, you are.
I just heard you say it.
And by the way, this thing with George is bad.
Well, if expanding your demo is bad, then, yeah, it's bad.
Disaffected angry white people could bring in a 40 share.
Sure.
If we got all of them, but a lot will still be watching "Blue Bloods.
" And we might have trouble holding them for a second week when they find out George isn't really a racist.
True.
But, what if they come for the hate and stay for the quality programming? Hey! I'm starving.
Worked up quite an appetite last night.
Oh.
Hey, you're here already? I'm walking out the door.
[Hector.]
Ryan Seacrest loves it.
[Lori.]
I know, he does, doesn't he? [clears throat.]
Hey.
Hey, George.
What's up? No loitering, vato, move along, eh? - Okay.
I'll see you Monday.
- Bye.
Monday? What, are we doing a show Monday? Hector is, we're trying some things out.
So come on, George, let's get going.
What are we gonna do, go to that restaurant with the privacy? I want to take you someplace else first.
Is this, like, one of those underground nightclubs that I've heard so much about? Or do you own this place? 'Cause I heard of a place called The Vault.
Is that it? I want to show you something.
Okay.
Thank you.
Wow.
This place is more private, even, than that restaurant.
No one can hear me scream.
Not that I scream.
Do you know what you're holding? "Hey, hey, hey.
" The Grill Cosby.
This warehouse is filled with Grill Cosbys that I cannot do anything with.
So all those allegations of, you know, abuse? Alleged.
I'm a comedian, so I gotta kinda stay neutral.
One controversy can kill a product.
I have 50,000 George Lopez grills on a fast boat from China and I am not filling up another warehouse.
George, I teamed with you to expand my Latino market, not to shut it down.
I like you.
Fix this.
How?