Lovejoy (1986) s02e07 Episode Script
National Wealth
Regarde ca.
Il y a des gens ici.
C'est pas normal.
Ce que tu fais, previens le quartier général de ta radio, OK? Qu'est-ce que vous faites? - Rien.
- Posez ca.
- Vous etes qui? Vous avez un papier? - Je travaille ici.
Vous travaillez pour qui? Je ne sais pas.
Papiers? Vous avez pas de papiers? Ca, c'est quoi, ca? Hey! Arretez! Arretez ou je tire! Pass me that webbing stretcher, Eric.
Listen to this.
"Last week, another chateau in northern France was sold.
"The Japanese Yan Zi Corporation paid 10 million francs "for what will become their European headquarters.
"The value was substantially reduced "after thieves had stripped the house shortly before the auction sale.
" The Japanese can afford it.
Well, I know that, Lovejoy, but that's not the point.
- What is the point? - The point is, are we ready? It says in here that 1992 is gonna be a time of great opportunity for companies who are ready.
Yeah.
Well, are we ready? Oh, I think so.
Don't you? "Britain is no longer an island.
"It is part of the European state, "and companies who want to survive 1992 must start making executive decisions right now.
" They're right, Eric.
And my number one executive decision will be whose turn is it to make the tea? (Tuts) That's typical of you two.
Can't take anything seriously.
Well, don't look at me, I've made it for the last three times.
It's your turn, Lovejoy.
"Architectural theft.
" In plain lingo, that's nicking anything from fireplaces to statues.
This is the worst kind of stealing.
Taking the art and craftsmanship that's taken centuries to build up.
The cultural heritage of a nation, and once it's gone, you can't get it back.
Can you imagine a Victorian fireplace in a Tokyo apartment? A Louis XV table in a California beach house? No, it just ain't the same.
And these people, they tear the sinews and the heart out of the nation.
They strip it of its national wealth.
And what have we got left in England, if not our past? (Phone) Lovejoy Associates.
Yes, Eric Catchpole is one of our field agents.
He called on you and now you'd like Mr.
Lovejoy to call? Um, where and when? Carlton Grange Three o'clock this afternoon? L-I didn't catch the name.
Madelene Gil Madelene Gilbert Who was that? Uh, where are you going? To get changed, of course.
- What's with him? - I don't know.
He was fine until that phone call.
- Ha! Stone the crows.
- Tinker! All set? Who is this woman? Woman? Madelene Gilbert is a motion picture star of premier magnitude.
Madelene who? I don't expect you to have heard of her, Eric, but Lovejoy, frankly I'm shocked.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Waterloo Bound, Midnight In Mayfair Not to mention The Lady In Black.
And the unforgettable Goddess Of Sahara.
Bit before our time, Tink.
Ah, Lovejoy.
Even now there are those who would give their right arm to meet Madelene Gilbert.
And by jingo! I'm one of them.
Drive on! Remember, Lovejoy, we are about to meet one of the greatest stars of the cinema.
Just you remember, Tinker, that we're here in a professional capacity to discuss antiques.
But I must get her autograph! When the time is right.
Good afternoon! We have an appointment with the lady of the house.
Miss Gilbert is expecting you.
Good morning.
Good afternoon.
Ah.
I knew Miss Gilbert would be a lady of exquisite taste.
They're here, madame.
Mr.
Lovejoy And Mr.
Tinker.
Oh, this is an honor, ma'am.
You stole my heart when I was very, very young and have kept it ever since.
Oh.
H-How sad.
Um, Michael, do you think we could have the tea for our guests? Certainly, madame.
When you announced your retirement, ma'am, it was a black day for this country.
The British film industry has yet to recover.
To have lost the finest actress of her generation, the most beautiful, the brightest star of the silver screen.
Please stop.
I finished with all that sort of thing a long time ago.
Time will run back and fetch the age of gold.
Ah, are you familiar with Milton, Mr.
Lovejoy? Oh, I was under the impression I was here to talk about antiques.
Yes, of course.
And do please stop calling me ma'am.
I'm not royalty, you know.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Michael will explain my predicament.
I find it all rather upsetting.
Madame has had a recent bereavement and now faces considerable death duties.
Oh, my deepest sympathies.
Was it your husband? Oh, no, no, no.
He died years ago.
No, it was, um Jo-Jo.
- Jo-Jo? - The late master's pet chimpanzee.
Oh, I see.
To avoid death duties, my husband, many years ago, made over a deed of gift to Jo-Jo.
Unfortunately, he omitted to tell the authorities that John Joseph, as he called him was, um a chimpanzee.
The authorities are now aware of this and are claiming not only the original death duty but substantial penalty payments and interest.
(Madelene) They say the deed is invalid.
It's all too embarrassing.
Your associate, Mr.
Catchpole, recommended you most highly.
But I'm afraid past experience has taught us that someone in madame's position can so easily be taken advantage of.
So, you wouldn't mind a little confirmation of my own.
Mr.
Catchpole informed us that you are what is known in the trade as a"divvy"? Mm-hm.
So, you wouldn't have any trouble telling us which of these is reproduction, and which is the genuine article.
To help you, this one Michael, just give it to me, will you? Silver-plate, leaden pitch infill early 19th century, British, moderate quality, value about £8,000.
Ah, yeah, this is stunning, isn't it? Paul de Lamerie.
About 1730, solid silver.
Cast It's magnificent workmanship.
Value 50 grand and up.
Any more games? No more games, Mr.
Lovejoy.
You passed my test as soon as you entered the room.
One can tell everything about a man by his deportment.
If one knows how to look.
That's quite a compliment coming from you, a lady of your standing.
- I have a question.
- Oh, by all means, Mr.
Lovejoy.
Why me? Why not Sotheby's, for example? Many years ago I managed to step out of the spotlight and I have no intention of stepping back in.
We quite understand, ma'am, and guarantee you absolute discretion.
So, will you help me with the sale? How could we refuse the request of a beautiful lady? (Lovejoy) You're right, Tink.
She's a lovely lady.
Life is nothing but an endless process of decay.
My usual, thank you.
Aren't you due back in the shop window by now? Eric, you have no class.
If it means dressing like that, I'm glad I haven't.
Eric, old chum, you'll be pleased to know that all those days spent knocking on doors have not been in vain.
If it's money you're after, forget it.
Now, do you remember you walked selflessly up that long, twisting path to Carlton Grange? No.
And there met one of England's greatest screen goddesses? Mm no.
I think I'd remember a screen goddess.
Madelene Gilbert.
Oh, Madelene Gilbert! That old dear.
No, I never met her.
Bloke wouldn't let me in.
But I left him one of our cards.
There were some real gems here, Tinker.
As one would expect.
It's criminal she has to sell any of them.
Well, we'll see what we can do.
I don't know what you two are getting so sentimental about.
Think of the commission.
Eric, antiques are not just any old commodity.
They have a special relationship with their owners and we have a special relationship with them.
Sorry, Lovejoy.
I mean, how would you feel if you found a stranger picking his way through your Led Zeppelin collection? - Yeah, I see what you mean - There are more important things than money.
We're dealing with a lady of unique sensibility.
Exactly.
Now, I'm gonna leave you two here to finish off.
What about a sales room, Tink? She doesn't want any publicity.
This little lot would attract the best dealers.
We need a sale room with discreet London connections.
Got it.
Old Sam Barns at Delauneys.
We'll use the Cambridge sale room.
Old Sam Barns is dead Sam Barns.
But Delauneys is perfect.
Can I help you? Oh, hello.
Yeah, I'm Lovejoy.
I'm looking for Mel Ford, the auctioneer.
I spoke to his secretary.
You spoke to me, and I'm not his secretary.
I'm sorry.
No offense.
Uh just tell him I called and I'd appreciate rescheduling the appointment.
Mr.
Lovejoy I'm Mel Ford.
Melanie Ford, the auctioneer.
Well Things are looking up.
I thought You thought wrong.
What can I do for you? Well, I've got a client who has got numerous items to sell.
I was going to put them in your next sale but I'm sure there's lots of other auctioneers who would appreciate the business.
I'm sorry.
Mr.
Lovejoy I'm sorry.
But I get sick and tired of people assuming that because I'm a woman I cannot possibly be an auctioneer.
Please.
Delauneys will be glad to handle your business.
Do you have an inventory? Preliminary valuation.
This looks promising.
George II satinwood games table? What condition? My client is a lady of impeccable taste.
I think you should view the items with me tomorrow, after I take you to lunch.
- Mr.
Lovejoy - No "Mr.
" Just "Lovejoy".
Lovejoy, if I had been a man, as you expected, would you be asking me out to lunch? (Chuckles) Certainly not.
I'll pick up the tab.
Bill, please.
- Well, thank you very much, I enjoyed that.
- So did I.
Tell me more about how you became an auctioneer.
Well, as I said, I read Classics at Cambridge and then I applied to all the major auction houses.
The ones who bothered to reply suggested I was over-qualified, so they advised me to take a secretarial course.
That's why I snapped your head off yesterday.
Anyway, I went in as a sale room assistant and worked my way up.
Where next? London, head office.
Maybe even the international circuit.
It's not the money, it's where the major pieces circulate.
And where the major players are.
Well, yes, but they don't interest me so much.
But what about you? It's clear you've got the talent for this business.
What happened? - What do you mean, what happened? - You have a great eye and the reputation.
- And you like beautiful things.
- Oh, I do, I do.
Perhaps trop chercher la femme is your problem, or as I suspect in your case, les femmes? Didn't say you studied languages as well.
I'm French.
Well, half.
Which half? My mother comes from Bordeaux.
Your father? My father? He's English.
What does he do? Uh, not much actually.
He's from a titled family with no money.
I'm afraid he's one of those people who grew up accustomed to not working.
Ah, Michel.
I know you'll find this one worthwhile, Michel.
Then after that, that's it.
We're quits.
Are we? Yes.
That's what I thought we said.
Where is the owner? She's in her room, packing.
She's staying the night with friends.
This kind of thing can be very traumatic, you know.
She couldn't bear the thought of seeing her lifetime turned into an inventory.
There's some beautiful things here.
How much can we include in the sale? I want to keep it to a minimum.
- Death duties or tax? - Death duties.
How do you know? It's usually one or the other.
Just remember, Mel, that the client is a very special lady.
I want everything to go as smoothly as possible.
You have my word.
Now, why can't you tell me who she is? I'm going to find out anyway.
All in good time.
Tell me, do you get a buzz out of running an auction? First time I was terrified.
You have to very firm with some of the dealers, especially the Germans.
One sign of weakness and they're all over you.
Do you think it helps, being a woman? I've got one or two tricks to heat up the bidding.
I bet you have.
(Engine revs) Eric! Problem? - It won't start, Lovejoy.
- She's never done this before.
British, you see.
Reliable as a bulldog.
And just about as ugly.
Jump in.
I'll give you a lift home.
- Where do you think you're going? - With you, aren't I? No, you're not.
You'll think of something, Eric.
I didn't realize you meant your home.
It's not.
Actually, this is where my father lives.
Thought Daddy had no money.
Not a bean! He's house-sitting.
The owner is abroad.
It's nice work if you can get it.
I hope you didn't get the wrong impression.
I didn't know the house was empty.
Anyway I fancied a swim.
If you wanted your wicked way with me, you should have said so and I needn't have got wet.
(Phone rings) Hello? Dad! Fine.
I'm with a friend.
OK.
Bye.
How is she? Says she's missing you.
(Michel) Bon Look, you don't really need me on this trip, do you? Oh, yes.
I do.
Prét pour le camion.
On y va.
Some days life takes on a whole new meaning.
The green grass, the birds on the wing.
The whole wondrous nature of planet Earth becomes a perfect, mystic fusion.
- Well, for me anyway Thank you.
- (Cork pops) Tink! Yes, put a bottle on my tab for you and Eric, would you? Sounds as if you're getting your oats, Lovejoy.
No, no, no.
I was just phoning to see how Miriam is.
(Whispers) It's my car.
How are you getting on, Eric? Give us a chance, she's only been here a week.
No, I mean Lovejoy's car.
Oh.
Still a bit of a non-starter.
It's still a bit It's not ready yet, Lovejoy.
Gotta keep at it.
Come along, Scotty.
Ooh, there we are.
That's it, Lucy, sit.
Sit, darling.
There's a good girl.
There we are.
Bon, tenez-vous préts pour le camion.
I once thought of becoming an auctioneer.
You don't seem to have done too well as a dealer.
Well, you know.
Easy come, easy go.
Oh.
Does that apply to your women, too? Mm-hm.
Conceited bastard! Hey, Max.
Go! (Muffled) Les deux vases.
Les trois peintures.
Pas le lustre.
Et puis tout ça.
- Tout ça? - Yes.
Michael! What do you think can have happened? I'll investigate, madame.
Good God! Madame must not see this.
It'll break her heart.
Lovejoy! Something terrible's happened and they won't tell me.
Ah, Lovejoy.
You saved us a journey.
In here.
Oh, my God! Detective Sergeant Armstrong.
The butler was saying how you were organizing a sale of the house contents.
Yeah, was.
Looks like someone beat you to it.
- The whole house? - Paneling, even some of the floorboards.
Unbelievable.
I was here yesterday, taking stock.
Taking what? Whoever did this knew exactly what they were doing.
Yeah.
- Where were you for the rest of the time? - Hm? After you were taking stock.
I was with a friend.
You don't think I had anything to do with this, do you? - What kind of friend? - A lady friend.
- Mind if I talk to her? - Not at all.
Lovejoy was with me.
We never left each other's side.
You see, Officer, we spent most of the time in bed, making love.
- Oh, I see.
- Anything else? Not for the moment.
(Whispers) Thank you.
What?! It's not possible! Madame! But did you have to tell him everything? I mean, put it quite so bluntly.
I only told him the truth.
And you didn't tell me everything.
- Hm? - That this was Madelene Gilbert's house.
Oh, no! Madame (Lovejoy) Is she OK? (Groaning) So silly of me to faint.
It was such a shock.
Oh, Madelene.
Everything'll be all right, hm? The police'll soon catch these villains and I'll help you sort out the insurance.
I'm I'm afraid I don't have any insurance.
But you must have.
My husband didn't think we needed it.
He said we couldn't afford the premiums.
I guess that puts me in a bit of a pickle, huh? - Well, it could be worse.
- No it couldn't.
You gotta hand it to those blokes.
I mean, nicking a painting's one thing but a staircase? How do you move a thing like that, never mind sell it? You've got a point there, Eric.
Where do you sell a staircase? Hello, Mel? Yeah, thank you for backing me up this morning, I owe you one.
How about you come over tonight, I'll open up a can of one of my Brazilian specialities.
Well, tomorrow night.
Well, another night.
Well Yeah, but I Well, I'm sorry too.
- Has she blown you out, Lovejoy? - No, it's just As a matter of fact, I think she has.
Well, that's women for you.
Totally irrational.
How to shift a staircase.
That's the key to all this.
(Eric) It's not our problem, though, is it? The police are dealing with it.
Anyway, I think the butler did it.
No, seriously, he is a bit odd, isn't he? Well, he knew the house was empty.
Not a chance, Lovejoy, he's been with her for 40 years.
He was her dresser at Gainsborough Pictures.
Besides, if she drops off, he cops the lot.
Who do we know in architectural salvage, Tink? With the kind of quality those characters thieve? Three or four yards in the whole of London.
How's Miriam, Eric? Never been better.
Do you think she'll get me to London and back? London? Ah, well maybe.
Check her out.
Hello.
Yes, you might be able to help me.
I have a client who wishes (Eric) I don't know why he's doing this.
Why doesn't he just let the police deal with it? There are two things in life Lovejoy holds dear.
- Women and antiques.
- Exactly.
And right now, both have been taken away from him.
I told you a little porky pie on the phone.
What you're looking for isn't here but I may be able to get my hands on some of it.
Money's no object but it is urgent.
You know what the aristocracy's like.
- We're here merely to serve - Yeah, tossers.
If you're prepared to do a joint deal, cash commission, I might be able to move things along pretty quick.
Yeah, I don't see why not.
He's given me the name of a Major Sullivan.
Apparently he's a bit of a snotbag, talks like he's got a mouthful of marbles, ex-SAS and hard as a rock but I shouldn't let that put me off.
He's got a boat moored out near Windsor.
Hello? Ahoy! Ah! Major Sullivan.
I was told that you could help me with certain things that I require for a client.
- Who gave you my name? Let's say he's a cross between a landscape gardener and an interior designer.
Yes, well, I think you've got the wrong person.
Perhaps you should see my list of requirements.
I'm not a dealer, Mr? Oh, Hyatt.
Roger Hyatt.
Hyatt and Hyatt Antiques, Epsom.
Well, as I said before, Mr.
Hyatt, I'm not a dealer.
I occasionally relocate architectural antiques for buyers with means and imagination.
- Of course.
- Do you have a card? Left them in the Porsche.
Good day, Mr.
Hyatt.
Lovejoy.
Get in! What the hell are you doing here, Lovejoy? Do you know who you've just been talking to? I thought so but no doubt you'll tell me anyway.
What are you doing here? This isn't your patch.
The man you've just harassed, apart form being a Falklands hero and a veteran of Northern Ireland, is also a security adviser to Scotland Yard and Interpol.
So, why were you disturbing his very precious and extremely limited leisure time? He wanted to sell some of his medals.
(Armstrong) Stop the car.
Another wisecrack like that and I'll dump you in the bleedin' river.
We had a tip-off.
The gang that pulled the raid at Carlton Grange are planning something in this area.
Surely not.
Coincidence you're here, too.
This is Ajutant Alain Bernard of the DRS, French Gendarmerie.
He believes this gang has been operating in France for several years, where they are wanted for numerous crimes, including murdering a policeman.
Can I have a word with you, Mr.
Lovejoy? Do you know what this is, Mr.
Lovejoy? Oh, it's sweet, but uh I'm afraid I don't speak much French.
Commission Rogatoire Internationale.
With this document, I can interview any British subject.
Well, bonne chance mon brave, but I think with me vous étes floggin' a dead 'orse.
- Je vous demande pardon.
- What's it got to do with me? Perhaps nothing, Mr.
Lovejoy.
This is where I'm staying.
If I hear anything I'll give you a ring.
The girl.
Melanie.
Ask her about Michel Le Mor.
Right? Police or no police, Sullivan's our man.
Stick to him and he'll lead us to Le Mor and the rest.
That's all very well, but if this Frenchie fellow has killed a policeman, he's not gonna lose any sleep over bumping us off.
- Don't worry, Tinker, I'll look after you.
- That's what I'm afraid of.
Sullivan's boat is moored here, right? And it's called Ocean Roamer II.
Right? Right.
Off you go.
- What, now? - Mm.
Now.
- Lovejoy, it's the middle of the night.
- Exactly.
Sullivan's not gonna leave in the middle of the night, but he might in the morning.
Remember Eric, it is the early bird that catches the worm.
What are you gonna be doing while we're risking our necks with cop killers? Well, I've got to pop into Delauneys tomorrow morning and then I'll get over to you.
Oh yeah? Make sure the bird's all right.
Yes.
But if you need me, you can ring me there.
Come on, Eric.
We'll get further refreshment on the way.
Last supper more like.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
Long time no see.
This isn't easy for me, Lovejoy.
Please don't make it any harder.
I said all I had to say on the phone.
I was speaking to a French policeman yesterday.
He said I should ask you about Michel Le Mor.
It's just somebody I knew.
Oh, he's somebody you knew.
Yeah, we met in Bordeaux and, uh - And, uh? - He was charming and sophisticated.
I fell for him in a big way.
I didn't know at the time that he was a criminal.
What's worse, even when I did I kept on seeing him.
This French cop thinks he turned over Carlton Grange and he thinks me, you or both of us tipped him off.
Now, I didn't, did you? Of course not.
It's a coincidence, it must be.
If you think I would tell him anything voluntarily, you're very wrong.
Who are you protecting, Mel? It won't help in the log run.
You know that, don't you? He said it would be the last time, Lovejoy.
You're right, it never will be.
It's my father.
I suppose I introduced them.
My father owes him a lot of money.
I'm sorry, Lovejoy.
I didn't want you to get caught up in this.
- Where's the next raid gonna be? - I don't know.
It could be anywhere.
I want a list of Delauneys' current clients and anyone else you can think of that you mentioned to your father.
(Boat engine starts) (Rock music on headphones) - I have over 30.
I can't check them all.
- (Phone) - We can call and see if any are empty.
- Delauneys.
Yes.
- Hello? - Sorry, Lovejoy, we've blown it.
He's gone.
What do you mean, gone? Sullivan.
He's taken the boat and everything.
It can't have been more than half an hour ago.
Ah.
Well, um, he went to get some sarnies.
Ah! You want something doing, do it yourself! Hello? Lovejoy? Lovejoy? - These houses are on the water, aren't they? - Water? - You know.
Rivers, canals.
- Yes.
Why? Because that's how they had to shift the stuff.
Carlton Grange is on the water, the French chateau.
Sullivan.
Water.
That's how they move it.
They float it down the rivers.
We've really blown it this time.
How did a thing that big get past you? Oh, that's right.
Blame it on me.
At least I was out here.
I suppose Lovejoy's not too pleased, eh? Well, you could say that.
This one's down to us, Eric.
- Go! Go! - All right! When I said hire a boat, I meant hire a boat with an engine! This is all they had left.
We've got it for the rest of the day.
Rate you're going we'll need it for the rest of the month! I'll soon get the hang of it.
Ooh! (Tinker yells) You landlubber! Look.
Nothing quite as ambitious as a staircase, I hope.
No.
Plenty of furniture, fireplaces, and a rather nice statue sitting in the garden.
How will you move it? I'll make her fly.
An antique dealer came to my boat yesterday.
- Did he leave a name? - Hyatt, Roger Hyatt.
Mean anything? No.
What did he want? I'm not sure.
Architectural antiques, I think.
(Chuckles) (Beeping) We've narrowed it down to eight.
Maybe we should call the police now.
- (Phone) - Delauneys.
Yes.
It's Tinker.
Yeah.
What? The raid.
That's where it's gonna be.
Today.
- How do you know? - I haven't got time to explain now, Lovejoy.
There's pictures of Carlton Grange.
- I'm on Sullivan's - (Footsteps) (Quietly) boat.
Tink? Tinker, how? Broad daylight.
Yes, I want to speak to Ajutant Alain Bernard, please.
Well, I want to leave an urgent message.
Yeah.
Michel Le Mor will be at Higham Hall, Walgrave, p.
m.
Today.
Be there.
Lovejoy.
(Horn) Tinker.
Tinker? Eric, where is Tinker? Well, search me.
How did you get here? Courtesy of Nigel Mansell here.
He called me from the boat.
Then he must still be on it! £25,000.
I pay better than your pension, yes? Huh! I'm freezing! Any chance of me nipping off for a change of clothes? Not at the moment, Eric.
Oh, here we are.
(Eric) Ha! Fancy a big house like this being on mail order.
My mum does that, it's probably the same firm.
Well, mind you, it's more likely to be a member of staff, isn't it? Cook or summat like that.
Or a butler (Both) Shut up, Eric! They're not coming, Lovejoy.
I knew they wouldn't.
(Helicopter) Allons-y.
Oh, no.
Come on, James.
Cheeky devils! I hope Bernard got my message.
- Two 18th century chiffoniers.
- 18th century chiff Three, four Make that four Bergama rugs.
- Berg who? - Bergama.
Where the hell is Bernard? - Gennaio stonework vase - Ge Gen Four Hepplewhite dining chairs, Eric.
- Hey.
- It's about time.
(Siren) Come on.
Bernard! - Finally made it, eh? - Yeah.
- Take it easy.
- Come on.
- What is it? - He's my father.
C'est Le Mor.
Stay with them.
(Boat engine stops) Michel, t'es foutu! Help! Help! Lovejoy! Help! - Hello, Tink.
- It's all right, we can manage.
Lovejoy, it's marvelous.
I can't thank you enough.
And in order to show my appreciation, there's something I want you to have.
No, I couldn't possibly accept that.
Lovejoy, I insist.
Well, thank you.
I don't know what to say.
Without you and darling Tinker, I would have nothing.
Are you sure that's not the original Paul de Lamerie? Oh, course not, it's a copy.
Darling Tinker, now what can I give you? Could I have your autograph? # La-di-da, la-di-da, la-di-da (Humming) # Here we go, here we go # (Classical music) Magic.
(Lovejoy) Hello.
(Sighs) Lovejoy It's my father's bail.
It's ridiculous.
They want an enormous amount of money and I'm short of about 8,000.
I'm sorry, Lovejoy.
I've tried everywhere.
You know, if there's any other way.
Easy come easy go.
We'll get him out.
In the morning.
Il y a des gens ici.
C'est pas normal.
Ce que tu fais, previens le quartier général de ta radio, OK? Qu'est-ce que vous faites? - Rien.
- Posez ca.
- Vous etes qui? Vous avez un papier? - Je travaille ici.
Vous travaillez pour qui? Je ne sais pas.
Papiers? Vous avez pas de papiers? Ca, c'est quoi, ca? Hey! Arretez! Arretez ou je tire! Pass me that webbing stretcher, Eric.
Listen to this.
"Last week, another chateau in northern France was sold.
"The Japanese Yan Zi Corporation paid 10 million francs "for what will become their European headquarters.
"The value was substantially reduced "after thieves had stripped the house shortly before the auction sale.
" The Japanese can afford it.
Well, I know that, Lovejoy, but that's not the point.
- What is the point? - The point is, are we ready? It says in here that 1992 is gonna be a time of great opportunity for companies who are ready.
Yeah.
Well, are we ready? Oh, I think so.
Don't you? "Britain is no longer an island.
"It is part of the European state, "and companies who want to survive 1992 must start making executive decisions right now.
" They're right, Eric.
And my number one executive decision will be whose turn is it to make the tea? (Tuts) That's typical of you two.
Can't take anything seriously.
Well, don't look at me, I've made it for the last three times.
It's your turn, Lovejoy.
"Architectural theft.
" In plain lingo, that's nicking anything from fireplaces to statues.
This is the worst kind of stealing.
Taking the art and craftsmanship that's taken centuries to build up.
The cultural heritage of a nation, and once it's gone, you can't get it back.
Can you imagine a Victorian fireplace in a Tokyo apartment? A Louis XV table in a California beach house? No, it just ain't the same.
And these people, they tear the sinews and the heart out of the nation.
They strip it of its national wealth.
And what have we got left in England, if not our past? (Phone) Lovejoy Associates.
Yes, Eric Catchpole is one of our field agents.
He called on you and now you'd like Mr.
Lovejoy to call? Um, where and when? Carlton Grange Three o'clock this afternoon? L-I didn't catch the name.
Madelene Gil Madelene Gilbert Who was that? Uh, where are you going? To get changed, of course.
- What's with him? - I don't know.
He was fine until that phone call.
- Ha! Stone the crows.
- Tinker! All set? Who is this woman? Woman? Madelene Gilbert is a motion picture star of premier magnitude.
Madelene who? I don't expect you to have heard of her, Eric, but Lovejoy, frankly I'm shocked.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Waterloo Bound, Midnight In Mayfair Not to mention The Lady In Black.
And the unforgettable Goddess Of Sahara.
Bit before our time, Tink.
Ah, Lovejoy.
Even now there are those who would give their right arm to meet Madelene Gilbert.
And by jingo! I'm one of them.
Drive on! Remember, Lovejoy, we are about to meet one of the greatest stars of the cinema.
Just you remember, Tinker, that we're here in a professional capacity to discuss antiques.
But I must get her autograph! When the time is right.
Good afternoon! We have an appointment with the lady of the house.
Miss Gilbert is expecting you.
Good morning.
Good afternoon.
Ah.
I knew Miss Gilbert would be a lady of exquisite taste.
They're here, madame.
Mr.
Lovejoy And Mr.
Tinker.
Oh, this is an honor, ma'am.
You stole my heart when I was very, very young and have kept it ever since.
Oh.
H-How sad.
Um, Michael, do you think we could have the tea for our guests? Certainly, madame.
When you announced your retirement, ma'am, it was a black day for this country.
The British film industry has yet to recover.
To have lost the finest actress of her generation, the most beautiful, the brightest star of the silver screen.
Please stop.
I finished with all that sort of thing a long time ago.
Time will run back and fetch the age of gold.
Ah, are you familiar with Milton, Mr.
Lovejoy? Oh, I was under the impression I was here to talk about antiques.
Yes, of course.
And do please stop calling me ma'am.
I'm not royalty, you know.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Michael will explain my predicament.
I find it all rather upsetting.
Madame has had a recent bereavement and now faces considerable death duties.
Oh, my deepest sympathies.
Was it your husband? Oh, no, no, no.
He died years ago.
No, it was, um Jo-Jo.
- Jo-Jo? - The late master's pet chimpanzee.
Oh, I see.
To avoid death duties, my husband, many years ago, made over a deed of gift to Jo-Jo.
Unfortunately, he omitted to tell the authorities that John Joseph, as he called him was, um a chimpanzee.
The authorities are now aware of this and are claiming not only the original death duty but substantial penalty payments and interest.
(Madelene) They say the deed is invalid.
It's all too embarrassing.
Your associate, Mr.
Catchpole, recommended you most highly.
But I'm afraid past experience has taught us that someone in madame's position can so easily be taken advantage of.
So, you wouldn't mind a little confirmation of my own.
Mr.
Catchpole informed us that you are what is known in the trade as a"divvy"? Mm-hm.
So, you wouldn't have any trouble telling us which of these is reproduction, and which is the genuine article.
To help you, this one Michael, just give it to me, will you? Silver-plate, leaden pitch infill early 19th century, British, moderate quality, value about £8,000.
Ah, yeah, this is stunning, isn't it? Paul de Lamerie.
About 1730, solid silver.
Cast It's magnificent workmanship.
Value 50 grand and up.
Any more games? No more games, Mr.
Lovejoy.
You passed my test as soon as you entered the room.
One can tell everything about a man by his deportment.
If one knows how to look.
That's quite a compliment coming from you, a lady of your standing.
- I have a question.
- Oh, by all means, Mr.
Lovejoy.
Why me? Why not Sotheby's, for example? Many years ago I managed to step out of the spotlight and I have no intention of stepping back in.
We quite understand, ma'am, and guarantee you absolute discretion.
So, will you help me with the sale? How could we refuse the request of a beautiful lady? (Lovejoy) You're right, Tink.
She's a lovely lady.
Life is nothing but an endless process of decay.
My usual, thank you.
Aren't you due back in the shop window by now? Eric, you have no class.
If it means dressing like that, I'm glad I haven't.
Eric, old chum, you'll be pleased to know that all those days spent knocking on doors have not been in vain.
If it's money you're after, forget it.
Now, do you remember you walked selflessly up that long, twisting path to Carlton Grange? No.
And there met one of England's greatest screen goddesses? Mm no.
I think I'd remember a screen goddess.
Madelene Gilbert.
Oh, Madelene Gilbert! That old dear.
No, I never met her.
Bloke wouldn't let me in.
But I left him one of our cards.
There were some real gems here, Tinker.
As one would expect.
It's criminal she has to sell any of them.
Well, we'll see what we can do.
I don't know what you two are getting so sentimental about.
Think of the commission.
Eric, antiques are not just any old commodity.
They have a special relationship with their owners and we have a special relationship with them.
Sorry, Lovejoy.
I mean, how would you feel if you found a stranger picking his way through your Led Zeppelin collection? - Yeah, I see what you mean - There are more important things than money.
We're dealing with a lady of unique sensibility.
Exactly.
Now, I'm gonna leave you two here to finish off.
What about a sales room, Tink? She doesn't want any publicity.
This little lot would attract the best dealers.
We need a sale room with discreet London connections.
Got it.
Old Sam Barns at Delauneys.
We'll use the Cambridge sale room.
Old Sam Barns is dead Sam Barns.
But Delauneys is perfect.
Can I help you? Oh, hello.
Yeah, I'm Lovejoy.
I'm looking for Mel Ford, the auctioneer.
I spoke to his secretary.
You spoke to me, and I'm not his secretary.
I'm sorry.
No offense.
Uh just tell him I called and I'd appreciate rescheduling the appointment.
Mr.
Lovejoy I'm Mel Ford.
Melanie Ford, the auctioneer.
Well Things are looking up.
I thought You thought wrong.
What can I do for you? Well, I've got a client who has got numerous items to sell.
I was going to put them in your next sale but I'm sure there's lots of other auctioneers who would appreciate the business.
I'm sorry.
Mr.
Lovejoy I'm sorry.
But I get sick and tired of people assuming that because I'm a woman I cannot possibly be an auctioneer.
Please.
Delauneys will be glad to handle your business.
Do you have an inventory? Preliminary valuation.
This looks promising.
George II satinwood games table? What condition? My client is a lady of impeccable taste.
I think you should view the items with me tomorrow, after I take you to lunch.
- Mr.
Lovejoy - No "Mr.
" Just "Lovejoy".
Lovejoy, if I had been a man, as you expected, would you be asking me out to lunch? (Chuckles) Certainly not.
I'll pick up the tab.
Bill, please.
- Well, thank you very much, I enjoyed that.
- So did I.
Tell me more about how you became an auctioneer.
Well, as I said, I read Classics at Cambridge and then I applied to all the major auction houses.
The ones who bothered to reply suggested I was over-qualified, so they advised me to take a secretarial course.
That's why I snapped your head off yesterday.
Anyway, I went in as a sale room assistant and worked my way up.
Where next? London, head office.
Maybe even the international circuit.
It's not the money, it's where the major pieces circulate.
And where the major players are.
Well, yes, but they don't interest me so much.
But what about you? It's clear you've got the talent for this business.
What happened? - What do you mean, what happened? - You have a great eye and the reputation.
- And you like beautiful things.
- Oh, I do, I do.
Perhaps trop chercher la femme is your problem, or as I suspect in your case, les femmes? Didn't say you studied languages as well.
I'm French.
Well, half.
Which half? My mother comes from Bordeaux.
Your father? My father? He's English.
What does he do? Uh, not much actually.
He's from a titled family with no money.
I'm afraid he's one of those people who grew up accustomed to not working.
Ah, Michel.
I know you'll find this one worthwhile, Michel.
Then after that, that's it.
We're quits.
Are we? Yes.
That's what I thought we said.
Where is the owner? She's in her room, packing.
She's staying the night with friends.
This kind of thing can be very traumatic, you know.
She couldn't bear the thought of seeing her lifetime turned into an inventory.
There's some beautiful things here.
How much can we include in the sale? I want to keep it to a minimum.
- Death duties or tax? - Death duties.
How do you know? It's usually one or the other.
Just remember, Mel, that the client is a very special lady.
I want everything to go as smoothly as possible.
You have my word.
Now, why can't you tell me who she is? I'm going to find out anyway.
All in good time.
Tell me, do you get a buzz out of running an auction? First time I was terrified.
You have to very firm with some of the dealers, especially the Germans.
One sign of weakness and they're all over you.
Do you think it helps, being a woman? I've got one or two tricks to heat up the bidding.
I bet you have.
(Engine revs) Eric! Problem? - It won't start, Lovejoy.
- She's never done this before.
British, you see.
Reliable as a bulldog.
And just about as ugly.
Jump in.
I'll give you a lift home.
- Where do you think you're going? - With you, aren't I? No, you're not.
You'll think of something, Eric.
I didn't realize you meant your home.
It's not.
Actually, this is where my father lives.
Thought Daddy had no money.
Not a bean! He's house-sitting.
The owner is abroad.
It's nice work if you can get it.
I hope you didn't get the wrong impression.
I didn't know the house was empty.
Anyway I fancied a swim.
If you wanted your wicked way with me, you should have said so and I needn't have got wet.
(Phone rings) Hello? Dad! Fine.
I'm with a friend.
OK.
Bye.
How is she? Says she's missing you.
(Michel) Bon Look, you don't really need me on this trip, do you? Oh, yes.
I do.
Prét pour le camion.
On y va.
Some days life takes on a whole new meaning.
The green grass, the birds on the wing.
The whole wondrous nature of planet Earth becomes a perfect, mystic fusion.
- Well, for me anyway Thank you.
- (Cork pops) Tink! Yes, put a bottle on my tab for you and Eric, would you? Sounds as if you're getting your oats, Lovejoy.
No, no, no.
I was just phoning to see how Miriam is.
(Whispers) It's my car.
How are you getting on, Eric? Give us a chance, she's only been here a week.
No, I mean Lovejoy's car.
Oh.
Still a bit of a non-starter.
It's still a bit It's not ready yet, Lovejoy.
Gotta keep at it.
Come along, Scotty.
Ooh, there we are.
That's it, Lucy, sit.
Sit, darling.
There's a good girl.
There we are.
Bon, tenez-vous préts pour le camion.
I once thought of becoming an auctioneer.
You don't seem to have done too well as a dealer.
Well, you know.
Easy come, easy go.
Oh.
Does that apply to your women, too? Mm-hm.
Conceited bastard! Hey, Max.
Go! (Muffled) Les deux vases.
Les trois peintures.
Pas le lustre.
Et puis tout ça.
- Tout ça? - Yes.
Michael! What do you think can have happened? I'll investigate, madame.
Good God! Madame must not see this.
It'll break her heart.
Lovejoy! Something terrible's happened and they won't tell me.
Ah, Lovejoy.
You saved us a journey.
In here.
Oh, my God! Detective Sergeant Armstrong.
The butler was saying how you were organizing a sale of the house contents.
Yeah, was.
Looks like someone beat you to it.
- The whole house? - Paneling, even some of the floorboards.
Unbelievable.
I was here yesterday, taking stock.
Taking what? Whoever did this knew exactly what they were doing.
Yeah.
- Where were you for the rest of the time? - Hm? After you were taking stock.
I was with a friend.
You don't think I had anything to do with this, do you? - What kind of friend? - A lady friend.
- Mind if I talk to her? - Not at all.
Lovejoy was with me.
We never left each other's side.
You see, Officer, we spent most of the time in bed, making love.
- Oh, I see.
- Anything else? Not for the moment.
(Whispers) Thank you.
What?! It's not possible! Madame! But did you have to tell him everything? I mean, put it quite so bluntly.
I only told him the truth.
And you didn't tell me everything.
- Hm? - That this was Madelene Gilbert's house.
Oh, no! Madame (Lovejoy) Is she OK? (Groaning) So silly of me to faint.
It was such a shock.
Oh, Madelene.
Everything'll be all right, hm? The police'll soon catch these villains and I'll help you sort out the insurance.
I'm I'm afraid I don't have any insurance.
But you must have.
My husband didn't think we needed it.
He said we couldn't afford the premiums.
I guess that puts me in a bit of a pickle, huh? - Well, it could be worse.
- No it couldn't.
You gotta hand it to those blokes.
I mean, nicking a painting's one thing but a staircase? How do you move a thing like that, never mind sell it? You've got a point there, Eric.
Where do you sell a staircase? Hello, Mel? Yeah, thank you for backing me up this morning, I owe you one.
How about you come over tonight, I'll open up a can of one of my Brazilian specialities.
Well, tomorrow night.
Well, another night.
Well Yeah, but I Well, I'm sorry too.
- Has she blown you out, Lovejoy? - No, it's just As a matter of fact, I think she has.
Well, that's women for you.
Totally irrational.
How to shift a staircase.
That's the key to all this.
(Eric) It's not our problem, though, is it? The police are dealing with it.
Anyway, I think the butler did it.
No, seriously, he is a bit odd, isn't he? Well, he knew the house was empty.
Not a chance, Lovejoy, he's been with her for 40 years.
He was her dresser at Gainsborough Pictures.
Besides, if she drops off, he cops the lot.
Who do we know in architectural salvage, Tink? With the kind of quality those characters thieve? Three or four yards in the whole of London.
How's Miriam, Eric? Never been better.
Do you think she'll get me to London and back? London? Ah, well maybe.
Check her out.
Hello.
Yes, you might be able to help me.
I have a client who wishes (Eric) I don't know why he's doing this.
Why doesn't he just let the police deal with it? There are two things in life Lovejoy holds dear.
- Women and antiques.
- Exactly.
And right now, both have been taken away from him.
I told you a little porky pie on the phone.
What you're looking for isn't here but I may be able to get my hands on some of it.
Money's no object but it is urgent.
You know what the aristocracy's like.
- We're here merely to serve - Yeah, tossers.
If you're prepared to do a joint deal, cash commission, I might be able to move things along pretty quick.
Yeah, I don't see why not.
He's given me the name of a Major Sullivan.
Apparently he's a bit of a snotbag, talks like he's got a mouthful of marbles, ex-SAS and hard as a rock but I shouldn't let that put me off.
He's got a boat moored out near Windsor.
Hello? Ahoy! Ah! Major Sullivan.
I was told that you could help me with certain things that I require for a client.
- Who gave you my name? Let's say he's a cross between a landscape gardener and an interior designer.
Yes, well, I think you've got the wrong person.
Perhaps you should see my list of requirements.
I'm not a dealer, Mr? Oh, Hyatt.
Roger Hyatt.
Hyatt and Hyatt Antiques, Epsom.
Well, as I said before, Mr.
Hyatt, I'm not a dealer.
I occasionally relocate architectural antiques for buyers with means and imagination.
- Of course.
- Do you have a card? Left them in the Porsche.
Good day, Mr.
Hyatt.
Lovejoy.
Get in! What the hell are you doing here, Lovejoy? Do you know who you've just been talking to? I thought so but no doubt you'll tell me anyway.
What are you doing here? This isn't your patch.
The man you've just harassed, apart form being a Falklands hero and a veteran of Northern Ireland, is also a security adviser to Scotland Yard and Interpol.
So, why were you disturbing his very precious and extremely limited leisure time? He wanted to sell some of his medals.
(Armstrong) Stop the car.
Another wisecrack like that and I'll dump you in the bleedin' river.
We had a tip-off.
The gang that pulled the raid at Carlton Grange are planning something in this area.
Surely not.
Coincidence you're here, too.
This is Ajutant Alain Bernard of the DRS, French Gendarmerie.
He believes this gang has been operating in France for several years, where they are wanted for numerous crimes, including murdering a policeman.
Can I have a word with you, Mr.
Lovejoy? Do you know what this is, Mr.
Lovejoy? Oh, it's sweet, but uh I'm afraid I don't speak much French.
Commission Rogatoire Internationale.
With this document, I can interview any British subject.
Well, bonne chance mon brave, but I think with me vous étes floggin' a dead 'orse.
- Je vous demande pardon.
- What's it got to do with me? Perhaps nothing, Mr.
Lovejoy.
This is where I'm staying.
If I hear anything I'll give you a ring.
The girl.
Melanie.
Ask her about Michel Le Mor.
Right? Police or no police, Sullivan's our man.
Stick to him and he'll lead us to Le Mor and the rest.
That's all very well, but if this Frenchie fellow has killed a policeman, he's not gonna lose any sleep over bumping us off.
- Don't worry, Tinker, I'll look after you.
- That's what I'm afraid of.
Sullivan's boat is moored here, right? And it's called Ocean Roamer II.
Right? Right.
Off you go.
- What, now? - Mm.
Now.
- Lovejoy, it's the middle of the night.
- Exactly.
Sullivan's not gonna leave in the middle of the night, but he might in the morning.
Remember Eric, it is the early bird that catches the worm.
What are you gonna be doing while we're risking our necks with cop killers? Well, I've got to pop into Delauneys tomorrow morning and then I'll get over to you.
Oh yeah? Make sure the bird's all right.
Yes.
But if you need me, you can ring me there.
Come on, Eric.
We'll get further refreshment on the way.
Last supper more like.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
Long time no see.
This isn't easy for me, Lovejoy.
Please don't make it any harder.
I said all I had to say on the phone.
I was speaking to a French policeman yesterday.
He said I should ask you about Michel Le Mor.
It's just somebody I knew.
Oh, he's somebody you knew.
Yeah, we met in Bordeaux and, uh - And, uh? - He was charming and sophisticated.
I fell for him in a big way.
I didn't know at the time that he was a criminal.
What's worse, even when I did I kept on seeing him.
This French cop thinks he turned over Carlton Grange and he thinks me, you or both of us tipped him off.
Now, I didn't, did you? Of course not.
It's a coincidence, it must be.
If you think I would tell him anything voluntarily, you're very wrong.
Who are you protecting, Mel? It won't help in the log run.
You know that, don't you? He said it would be the last time, Lovejoy.
You're right, it never will be.
It's my father.
I suppose I introduced them.
My father owes him a lot of money.
I'm sorry, Lovejoy.
I didn't want you to get caught up in this.
- Where's the next raid gonna be? - I don't know.
It could be anywhere.
I want a list of Delauneys' current clients and anyone else you can think of that you mentioned to your father.
(Boat engine starts) (Rock music on headphones) - I have over 30.
I can't check them all.
- (Phone) - We can call and see if any are empty.
- Delauneys.
Yes.
- Hello? - Sorry, Lovejoy, we've blown it.
He's gone.
What do you mean, gone? Sullivan.
He's taken the boat and everything.
It can't have been more than half an hour ago.
Ah.
Well, um, he went to get some sarnies.
Ah! You want something doing, do it yourself! Hello? Lovejoy? Lovejoy? - These houses are on the water, aren't they? - Water? - You know.
Rivers, canals.
- Yes.
Why? Because that's how they had to shift the stuff.
Carlton Grange is on the water, the French chateau.
Sullivan.
Water.
That's how they move it.
They float it down the rivers.
We've really blown it this time.
How did a thing that big get past you? Oh, that's right.
Blame it on me.
At least I was out here.
I suppose Lovejoy's not too pleased, eh? Well, you could say that.
This one's down to us, Eric.
- Go! Go! - All right! When I said hire a boat, I meant hire a boat with an engine! This is all they had left.
We've got it for the rest of the day.
Rate you're going we'll need it for the rest of the month! I'll soon get the hang of it.
Ooh! (Tinker yells) You landlubber! Look.
Nothing quite as ambitious as a staircase, I hope.
No.
Plenty of furniture, fireplaces, and a rather nice statue sitting in the garden.
How will you move it? I'll make her fly.
An antique dealer came to my boat yesterday.
- Did he leave a name? - Hyatt, Roger Hyatt.
Mean anything? No.
What did he want? I'm not sure.
Architectural antiques, I think.
(Chuckles) (Beeping) We've narrowed it down to eight.
Maybe we should call the police now.
- (Phone) - Delauneys.
Yes.
It's Tinker.
Yeah.
What? The raid.
That's where it's gonna be.
Today.
- How do you know? - I haven't got time to explain now, Lovejoy.
There's pictures of Carlton Grange.
- I'm on Sullivan's - (Footsteps) (Quietly) boat.
Tink? Tinker, how? Broad daylight.
Yes, I want to speak to Ajutant Alain Bernard, please.
Well, I want to leave an urgent message.
Yeah.
Michel Le Mor will be at Higham Hall, Walgrave, p.
m.
Today.
Be there.
Lovejoy.
(Horn) Tinker.
Tinker? Eric, where is Tinker? Well, search me.
How did you get here? Courtesy of Nigel Mansell here.
He called me from the boat.
Then he must still be on it! £25,000.
I pay better than your pension, yes? Huh! I'm freezing! Any chance of me nipping off for a change of clothes? Not at the moment, Eric.
Oh, here we are.
(Eric) Ha! Fancy a big house like this being on mail order.
My mum does that, it's probably the same firm.
Well, mind you, it's more likely to be a member of staff, isn't it? Cook or summat like that.
Or a butler (Both) Shut up, Eric! They're not coming, Lovejoy.
I knew they wouldn't.
(Helicopter) Allons-y.
Oh, no.
Come on, James.
Cheeky devils! I hope Bernard got my message.
- Two 18th century chiffoniers.
- 18th century chiff Three, four Make that four Bergama rugs.
- Berg who? - Bergama.
Where the hell is Bernard? - Gennaio stonework vase - Ge Gen Four Hepplewhite dining chairs, Eric.
- Hey.
- It's about time.
(Siren) Come on.
Bernard! - Finally made it, eh? - Yeah.
- Take it easy.
- Come on.
- What is it? - He's my father.
C'est Le Mor.
Stay with them.
(Boat engine stops) Michel, t'es foutu! Help! Help! Lovejoy! Help! - Hello, Tink.
- It's all right, we can manage.
Lovejoy, it's marvelous.
I can't thank you enough.
And in order to show my appreciation, there's something I want you to have.
No, I couldn't possibly accept that.
Lovejoy, I insist.
Well, thank you.
I don't know what to say.
Without you and darling Tinker, I would have nothing.
Are you sure that's not the original Paul de Lamerie? Oh, course not, it's a copy.
Darling Tinker, now what can I give you? Could I have your autograph? # La-di-da, la-di-da, la-di-da (Humming) # Here we go, here we go # (Classical music) Magic.
(Lovejoy) Hello.
(Sighs) Lovejoy It's my father's bail.
It's ridiculous.
They want an enormous amount of money and I'm short of about 8,000.
I'm sorry, Lovejoy.
I've tried everywhere.
You know, if there's any other way.
Easy come easy go.
We'll get him out.
In the morning.