Lovesick (Scrotal Recall) (2014) s02e07 Episode Script

So you invited me all the way across town to tell me that you have a venereal disease? Yep.
Pretty much.
Cool that you feel that you can share that with me.
How's it been? Is it an itchy one or a scary one or what? Yeah.
Thing is, erm, you might want to get tested for it too, Jonesy.
- What with - With what? You know.
[chuckles.]
Not sure that I do know What with us having sex.
[chuckles.]
Um, Dylan, we've never had sex.
[door opens.]
Angus is here.
I'm making waffles.
Waffles, Dylan.
That ain't your waffle face.
How do I do this? I I can't get her out of my head and now there's this.
[sighs.]
All right.
Waffles might be a start.
Maybe not a long-term solution, but [Angus.]
Morning! I was just telling Luke about my sperm.
- How are the little fellas doing? - Not good.
There's plenty of them and they're good at swimming, but they're terrible with directions.
None of them can find the egg.
They keep going round in circles.
It's incredibly depressing for them and me.
[exhales.]
Parlez-vous.
Let's go out.
We all need a night out.
- Definitely.
Pub? - No.
No.
I need a change of scene.
Something that isn't listening to noise records in my room or moping over a pint.
I want to go out like a premiership footballer does.
- Or or a pirate.
- [gasps.]
I don't want to think about it.
I need to have a massively good time.
A lads' night out with raucousness.
- Are you allowed? - Well, nothing else has worked.
Maybe my sperms are stressed.
Maybe a few drinks could loosen them up and get them thinking about Helen's eggs.
Are you with me? Do you need to ask? No, but it's polite.
Well, thank you.
I gratefully accept.
[laughing.]
So what is the secret to a long and happy marriage? [Fiona.]
Ooh, my goodness.
Well, the key thing is listening to each other.
And swinging.
[Mal.]
Oh, God.
[laughing.]
He's joking.
[laughing.]
Oh, no, right.
Richard wouldn't last five minutes at a sex party.
He'd be thrown out for discussing the rugby.
[both laugh.]
- Now, I'd just like to take a moment to - [whispers.]
He's actually standing up.
raise a glass to the happy couple.
[sighs.]
Er, I've completely lost my train of thought.
But the general thrust was, here's to the pair of you.
- [Fiona laughs.]
- [Evie chuckles.]
To Malcolm and Evie.
Evie.
- [Richard laughs.]
- [Fiona.]
Cheers.
- Well done, darling.
- Oh, yes.
It was very moving.
Now, before we go, have you made contact with the village church yet? The reverend's expecting you.
Oh, erm, well, we're actually getting married in the city.
[Mal.]
Er, well Erm Mum and Dad suggested we do it at theirs.
- Marquee in the garden.
- Er Er, that sounds very nice, but it's also the exact opposite of what we've already agreed.
Well, nothing's booked.
It's not a big deal.
Well, the marquee is at least partly booked.
We had to put a deposit down for it.
And for the brass band.
Tell me you've discussed the brass band.
- Trumpets and tubas and stuff? - Erm Oh, yes, well, so you have discussed it.
A brass band? Something for the older generation.
- I wish you'd let me brush your hair.
- My hair's fine.
- Would have taken me two minutes, mate.
- Oh, it's like a temple of fun! There's booze.
There's people in their finery.
There's gambling.
Oh, it's like a James Bond film without the sex and violence.
Okay.
Saddle up, gentlemen.
We're about to take down the king of games, roulette.
So named because it'll rue the day it let me spin its shiny, shiny wheel.
Go big or go home.
Whoa! Put the boys to bed.
It's man hour.
That's fucking great game chat, Angus.
I'm proud of you, man.
Well done.
Well done, baby.
No more bets.
Yes.
[croupier.]
Seventeen black.
- Was that going big? - Yes.
I went big.
That was my entire stack.
Now that you've gone big, are you gonna go home? You need to listen to Angus about game chat, okay? This guy's putting his heart and soul into it.
- Shape up, Dylan.
- Sorry.
We're on a lads' night out.
- Shape up.
Understand? - Yep.
Sorry.
[Evie.]
Getting married in the city is the one thing that we agreed.
[Mal.]
Well, not agreed.
Discussed.
And it's a really good marquee.
So you've already seen pictures? [scoffs.]
Wow.
Well, I can forward you the e-mail Or not.
Look, it's just an option.
And who wants that option? Apart from your mum and dad.
So you're leaning towards a city wedding? I'm leaning towards feeling extremely frustrated with you.
Maybe the feeling's mutual.
[Dylan.]
Hmm.
And I'll hold.
- Who holds on a 12? - It felt risky.
[exclaims.]
You promised you'd go big.
How was that going big? I was under a lot of pressure! I made a call! [sighs.]
What's happened to us? How did we forget how to do this? Angus is drinking rosé.
You're holding on a 12.
I also have ordered a glass of rosé.
We're supposed to be partying like pirates.
Dylan? Luke? - Ah! - Jonesy? - [Jonesy laughing.]
- What are you doing here? I'm playing Lady Luck to some fella that I'm dating.
I say dating.
It's more like seeing.
- [Dylan.]
Hmm.
- Seeing sometimes.
- Are you stalking him? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Stand there while I peek over your shoulder.
- [both laugh.]
- Oh, it's brilliant to see you guys! - How long has it been? - Since uni maybe? Pretty sure last time I saw you, you were wrapped in a Spanish flag - catching olives in your mouth.
- [laughs.]
Yeah, hardly narrows it down.
- Oh, classic Jonesy.
- So what are you doing these days? - I am drinking tequila with you guys.
- Now we're talking! - Come on! - Do you wanna bring your date? - I don't! - Okay.
- I'll just tell Angus.
- [all cheering.]
Eh I'll catch you guys up.
I keep rolling the dice and shouting numbers and everyone thinks I'm doing a good job of it.
I have no idea how the game works.
- Are those all yours? - Erm, oh, I think so.
Unless I'm looking after them for everyone.
- [huffs.]
- Do you know the rules? Everyone seems to be worried about something called "snake eyes.
" Forget the rules, dude.
You're on a fucking streak! You ride those dice all the way home to mamacita! - [blows.]
- [dice clatter.]
- [both.]
Yeah! - [all cheering.]
We we could compromise.
What is the compromise between a city wedding and a marquee in the countryside? - A garage in the suburbs? - They've paid the deposit.
How about we keep the marquee but you choose the music? [laughs.]
Is that a joke? Nothing's been finalized.
No firm decisions.
Thanks for keeping me in the loop.
[sighs.]
Do you know what? I'm out of here.
There's a firm decision for you.
Don't be childish.
Me, childish? You're a policeman in his 30s that can't say no to his parents.
[chuckles.]
I'm not going to eat you.
This is the only place where there aren't any cameras.
If I paid bar prices every time I went out I'd have to sell a kidney.
I don't think they'd accept one of yours, Jonesy.
[laughs sarcastically.]
Mmm.
Thanks.
This is helping.
- Helping what? - I'm trying to move on from someone.
Ooh, who? Evie.
Evie? [inhales sharply.]
- Oh, that's brutal.
- [chuckles.]
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
Mmm.
This feels like movement.
So give me a kiss.
Just doing my bit for the cause.
Keeping you moving.
[people cheering.]
Go all in for a big finish.
Uh All of it? [Luke.]
Do it, dude.
Double it or kiss it goodbye.
It doesn't get any bigger than this.
It's what lads do, isn't it? It's what fucking pirates would do! Yes.
I'm doing it.
All of it.
Everything on the next roll! Ah! [panting.]
Yeah? [blows.]
[grunts softly.]
[whispering.]
Come on.
[exhales sharply.]
Did I get snake face? Dude.
You won.
- Yeah! - [all cheering.]
[upbeat music playing.]
ã2,500 in cash.
[chuckles.]
I can't put it in my bank account.
Helen would notice.
Well, she doesn't know I'm here.
I told her there was a database crisis at work.
"Database Crisis" sounds like a band Dylan would like.
[laughs.]
[Angus.]
What shall I do with the money? You could dig a lot of wells in places that don't have enough wells.
Or you could invest it.
I know a couple of great tech start-ups that are crowdfunding.
- You guys are the worst lads ever! - Why? I mean, yes, but what's your take? One day, you're gonna be old, looking back on your lives, and this night is gonna be yet another night where you went for the solid, safe, reliable, kill-me-now option.
So, no, you are not going to invest it or give it to charity, or bank it or spend one more minute looking at it.
You are going to blow that on cocaine and hookers! - Strippers and champagne? - [inhales sharply.]
Ooh.
Jonesy, you are like the patron saint of partying.
One night Two and a half grand to burn! [Jonesy grunting.]
Devastation! - [Dylan.]
Whoo! - All right, you! We want your most expensive bottle of tequila, every lemon you possess and a bucket in case I throw up.
[all.]
Yeah! [Luke.]
Fuck yeah! [doorbell rings.]
[cell phone ringing.]
[indistinct.]
I'll be back in a sec.
How's it going with the parents? They having second thoughts about you? Where are you guys? I want to come out.
Uh we're not really doing anything fun.
Ah, this is brilliant.
- Sounds like it's brilliant.
- Yeah, er It's really just a lads' night out.
- Where are you? - We're going to a strip club.
- It'll be disgusting and disappointing.
- Which one? My phone battery's about to run out, so write this down quickly.
In about 15 minutes we're leaving to go to Lu Luke? Luke? [Luke grunts.]
Top me up.
- Who was that? - Er, wrong number.
- You were talking to them for a long time.
- They were very persistent.
- [Angus chuckling.]
- [cell phone ringing.]
[Dylan.]
Ooh.
Hold on.
Yeah, I'm confiscating that.
Real lads don't take phone calls.
Jonesy! - Lead us to our doom! - [all whooping.]
Come on! [hip-hop music playing.]
Overpriced champagne and you get to throw money at people.
This is the place to burn a couple of grand.
You had me at champagne.
Let's get this party started! [all.]
Whoo! Oh.
Hello.
So do we buy our drugs off you or is there another system here? I think you've had your fun for the night.
Hey, Curly.
Show the man some love.
- With a hug? - With some of that sweet bankroll.
Do you take bribes? All right.
Enjoy your evening.
- How much did you give him there? - ã240.
Ooh, the girls are gonna love you.
- Who wants flaming sambucas? - [Dylan.]
Light me up! Okay, for me, that was too big.
- Smaller bribes from now on? - I think so, yeah.
Yeah, just just take 'em down a notch or two, Angus.
- All right, mate? - Okay.
[hip-hop music playing.]
So, what have you been doing the last few years? This.
[laughing.]
Do you know there's a ridiculous amount of free money behind the bar? [Jonesy.]
Yeah, I do it on principle.
[Angus.]
This is amazing.
It's like a bar where all the girls have taken their clothes off.
Excuse me, could we have, uh, burritos for everyone, please? Thank you very much.
Now that shit's rock and roll.
[laughs.]
Excuse me.
[stammers.]
What's the quickest way to waste money here? I don't actually know.
It's my first week here.
- Oh, well done.
- Oh, thanks.
Erm, but I guess champagne and a lot of private dances? Okay, well, we will have four bottles of champagne and four straws.
Oh, how much is a dance? ã50.
Do you want one? - I'd like to dance.
- I can give you one.
Erm you have to sit still, though.
[chuckles.]
Okay.
That's not You're not actually gonna There's no way you're going Does he know what [hip-hop music continues playing.]
Ah Yes, this place does nothing for me, if I'm honest.
It's not I'm just saying, this this place does nothing for me.
Really, it's not even - ["Funky Cold Medina" playing.]
- The tunes are good though.
Yeah, it'd be rude not to, wouldn't it? ["Funky Cold Medina" continues playing.]
- Is that Jonesy with Dylan? What - Irrelevant.
What are you doing here? I had to look in two other strip clubs to find you.
One gave me an application form.
- Good to know I have options.
- [chuckles.]
Well, I told you you'd hate it.
Probably best go home, eh? Stop trying to get rid of me.
- Fine.
Dance with me.
- Can we talk? - I would rather talk.
- We'll talk while we jive.
We could go back to my place.
No, I don't want to do the whole waking up thing.
Um, I'll make you eggs.
- Are you in love with me? - I don't think so.
So shut up about eggs.
What do you really, actually want to do right now? I'm happy to go with your suggestion.
Step into my office.
[slow R&B music playing.]
[chuckles.]
- I'm Holly.
- Angus.
Oh.
Can you tell me if I'm doing this right? Oh, I I can't.
I've got nothing to benchmark it against.
They don't exactly give you any training.
[chuckles.]
- [stammering.]
How did you get the job? - It turned up.
Oh, well, I think you're doing brilliantly.
Thanks.
They did say by two minutes in I should be naked.
- Are you timing us? - No.
- Would you like me to? - Do you mind? Oh, I can put the countdown timer on my phone.
It will buzz.
[both breathing heavily.]
Are you still thinking about Evie? Well, I am now.
[clicks tongue.]
I didn't think that one through.
[clicks tongue.]
Oh No, let's do this.
- I What? - [scoffs.]
My friend Jason, who's like my alcohol sensei He said that you should drink until you can't - remember the night you've just had.
- Mmm.
But not drink if you're trying to forget the day ahead of you.
Look, Evie is getting married and that is a big deal.
You only do that two or three times.
You, my friend You're gonna have to start pointing yourself forward.
Life's too short to just keep going round in circles.
[softly.]
Yeah.
You're right.
You're completely, completely right.
[slurring.]
You just It makes sense.
I just have to go to sleep now for a little little bit, but it makes sense.
I am Can you e-mail me everything you just said? I just don't want to forget about Hmm - Can I draw on your face? - [snorts.]
I think that's a yes.
I mean, he's just doing it because his parents are telling him to.
If he's struggling to say no, it's not necessarily because he wants to annoy you.
Maybe he wants a country wedding.
Maybe it's you he's struggling to say no to.
Thanks, chief.
Put that on the tab.
You've spent it.
- All of it? - [mouths.]
All of it.
[huffs.]
Amazing.
[inhales sharply.]
Uh, Eves I am a little bit maxed out at the moment, how would you feel about popping that on the old plastic? [sighs.]
Thank you.
One more burrito, please, mate.
What? [slow R&B music playing.]
So Taking off the bra in a second.
Ooh, it's a big moment.
Yeah, I've only brought people drinks.
It's a big step onwards.
Oh, well, you don't have to.
- I think it's expected.
- You could tell them I asked you not to.
I just need to build a bit of momentum up, you know.
Erm, would you mind some chitchat? Okay.
Um - How was your day? - Good.
Yeah.
Uni was interesting.
- Oh, what are you studying? - Computational mathematics.
Comp ems? - Do you know the subject? - Know it? I lived it.
For three years.
Loved every second of it.
[gasps.]
That was unexpected.
I thought it might be better as a surprise.
You know, like, if I jumped out at you from behind a bush.
It worked.
[chuckles.]
- This is really sexy.
- [both chuckle.]
Oh.
[gasps.]
Am I allowed to have an erection? I'm sorry if it's not allowed.
It just happened.
It's because you're gorgeous and you love maths.
You have really amazing eyes.
My heart's beating really fast.
Yeah, mine, too.
[chuckles.]
[Luke.]
Ah, this looks promising.
- Where's Jonesy? - I've moved on from Evie, Luke.
It's all going to be fine.
Ask Jonesy.
Uh, hold that thought, because Evie is here.
Don't Don't panic.
On the upside, we're being thrown out.
Angus had sex with a stripper.
[laughs.]
We weren't having sex, we were making love.
- Out you go.
- I thought we were bribery friends.
- I want my money back.
- You are not allowed to touch the girls.
- They're not whores.
- How dare you call her that! [Evie.]
Angus! Stop it! Let's just go! Can someone give Holly my number? It's 079-77 Why isn't anyone writing this down? 079-77 Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Don't come any closer.
[crowd exclaims.]
[stuttering.]
Helen's bound to find out, isn't she? I'm going to end up with a conviction for criminal damage! We went pretty big, didn't we? Oh, we took it to the biggest.
In the moment, though I swear it felt like love.
Does it matter that it's wrong? [stutters.]
I should care.
Well, I don't! It was fantastic! [Angus chuckles.]
What's that say about me? Does that matter? [sighs.]
How're you doing, Dyl? I'm gonna be fine.
[Pete.]
It's a full house, so we put them in the corridor.
- Thanks for writing that off, Pete.
- Aye, no problems, mate.
[cell door unlocking.]
[Evie.]
I shouldn't have run off like that.
It's an old habit.
Probably not a good one.
I just want us both to be happy.
You make it sound easy.
It's not though, is it? It's work.
Are you still up for that? Yeah.
So where did you end up that night? Well, technically, I was still on a date, so I went back to the casino to find him.
- [laughs.]
- He hadn't even noticed I was gone.
Yeah.
He was a real keeper.
You seem a lot happier.
Yeah.
Getting there.
I'm just sorry I forgot all your advice.
Oh, shit, yeah, I was meant to e-mail you But then, well, you know.
- Life.
- I know.
This is a welcome reminder.
Timely you know? And did you meet someone else? Yeah.
Yeah, I did, I met I met someone really great.
Well, when that goes tits up, you know where to find me.
- Around and about, and usually out.
- [both laugh.]
Classic Jonesy.
- The world beyond Luke and Angus.
- Not that they're not enough for anyone.
Absolutely.
They are high-quality people.
- You'll like Evie.
- What if I don't? Can I send her back? I think you will.
All this cheerfulness is making me nervous.
I'm just I'm happy to be here with you.
Erm, you know, they'll like you and you'll have a good time.
What if I panic and I get too drunk, and I say terrible things and throw up on people? - Then you'll fit right in.
- [laughs.]
It's Angus' divorce party.
Why are you so cheerful? It's like you know something.
I'm I'm just I'm honestly just happy.
There's literally nothing on my mind.
No big questions.
It's really quite a pleasant feeling, actually.
It's quite unnerving.
I could get used to it.