Mad About You s02e07 Episode Script

Don't eat that.
James, you did good.
Lisa's going to love this guy.
He's so cute.
Nice hair, good eyes, nice smile.
Wish I had his cheekbones.
Bring over a couple of things.
We'll figure it out when you get here.
Lisa, how could you have built up a resentment toward him? You haven't even met him yet.
Lisa, you have to show up.
We've been working on this for a month.
I've screened half the straight men in Manhattan for you.
Just get over here.
Come on.
Stop being so negative.
Your personal ad says you have a "pleasant outlook.
" Well, I made some last-minute changes.
Lisa Yeah, I can't.
Lisa, I got to go.
I will see you when you get here.
Okay, I get it.
You're mad.
It's okay.
No, it's not okay.
Not you, you.
- What? - It's not okay.
I'm doing something nice for my sister.
One: You're not doing anything nice for her.
You're setting her up for a disaster.
And B: Do it another day! - I can't believe how selfish you are.
- Believe it, because that's true.
- She could marry this guy.
- Never going to happen, my friend.
- It's okay.
We're not fighting.
- Trust me, you are.
I hate that you're being this way.
I hate that you made plans with your sister on the first Saturday I'm not working in five weeks.
- I didn't know you weren't working.
- I said to you Thursday You said you thought you might not have to.
You never confirmed.
I never confirmed? What are you, TWA? Look, do you want me to just call my sister and this guy and cancel? - Very much so.
Yes.
- Well, forget it.
Then you know what I'm going to do? I'm making plans without you.
I'll be back by 3:00.
We can do something then.
You expect me to spend a beautiful Saturday waiting around? - It's 35 degrees and raining.
- That's going to burn off.
- You want me to just wait for you? - Yeah.
- Never going to happen, my friend.
- What is that, your new expression? Lisa's a big girl.
Let her go meet this guy by herself.
- You were alone when you met me.
- That was different.
- How was that different? - Because when we met, it was fate.
- Don't start with the fate thing.
- That's what it was.
- Who told you that? - No one told me that.
- Because they're not helping you.
- Sorry, sorry.
I have to pee.
Okay, go ahead.
Continue.
- Why do you think that we met? - Because you needed a newspaper.
You went to get a newspaper and I was there.
Bing, we met.
- So it was just dumb, stupid luck.
- Yes.
What, is that so bad? If it hadn't had been me, it would have been somebody else? - Probably.
Yes.
- Who? I don't know, but she wouldn't have made plans with her sister today.
I don't even want to be with you today.
- Come here! - No.
Go out.
Just go do something.
You got it all wrong.
I'm angry at you.
Good.
We're both angry at each other.
All right.
Good.
So at least we did something together today.
Jeez.
Jeez.
- Fran, what's wrong? - I miss being married.
So let me get this.
- You left today open for her? - Yes, I did.
- And she makes other plans? - Yes, she did.
- No wonder you're peeved.
- Very peeved.
She screwed up.
She's wrong, and you're right.
- See, you understand.
- Of course, I understand.
Which is why I'll end this conversation before I get killed.
- You do this to me all the time.
- What did I do? - You suck me in.
- How am I sucking? You PEZ-head.
You get mad at your wife then you get me all upset until I say something.
Then you two make up, and who's the bad guy? - No.
- You guys all right? If we were any more all right, it would just be out of line.
- We're okay.
- Okay.
Great.
- What do you think of her? - She carries a very nice tray.
Boy, I'll say.
How do you make that dirty? - What, you said it.
I'm just elaborating.
- Let's go do something.
- No, just call your wife.
- I don't want to.
- Excuse me.
What's your name? - I'm Ursula.
Ursula.
- I like that name.
- I don't.
I hate it.
You serious? Listen, tell me something.
You think this boy should call his wife? Maybe he could tell her about that blond girl he's always bringing in here.
That's my wife.
- She ain't interested.
- She don't know me yet.
What, that's going to help you? - I have to leave, so if you guys - I will take care of that, Ursula.
- Wait.
Where you going? - Uptown.
I have another job.
- I have to leave now.
- We're going uptown.
- We are? - Yeah.
Boy, are you out of practice.
If you want, I'd love to give you a lift.
I'd be more than happy to.
In fact, I'd be delighted to give you a lift.
- No, you keep that.
- Thanks.
- Would you like a lift? - Sure.
Terrific.
You like the subway? - Well? - I like being on top.
- Really? - You don't get knee burn? Well, it's a lot better than being pinned down and trapped.
I get knee burn.
Ever get one of those really bad muscle cramps in the middle of sex? Yes.
The other night we were having sex and I got this unbelievable cramp in my thigh.
- You were on top? - Bottom.
- See? - What did you do? - I used it.
- How? I let out this amazing scream.
Paul thought it was him and threw it into high gear.
In five seconds we were done, and I was able to stretch.
Hope this guy's a good kisser.
Don't sleep with him on the first date.
I keep telling you that.
- You didn't sleep with Paul right away? - No, I didn't.
Yeah, and look at you now.
You're fighting.
I don't know why you're upset.
He wanted to spend the day with you.
I'm upset with him for something else.
This is just a much easier thing to be upset with him over.
You guys are lucky to have each other.
No, we're not.
It's more than luck.
Sometimes when two people meet each other, it's more than that.
- You're probably right.
- He doesn't think so.
Because he's a jerk.
Sometimes you're just on different wavelengths.
You know, Fran, you're always defending Paul but you don't live with him like we do.
You know, Lisa, you seem a little bitter.
How would you like meeting a guy through a personals' ad? - I feel like a car.
- You are.
You're bright, shiny, and with a pleasant outlook.
- Say it, "pleasant outlook.
" - Let's see you without the vest.
Why am I bothering? I should call him from here so he can tell me he has intimacy problems and we can all go shopping.
Lisa, you should be more positive.
This is a very exciting way to meet someone.
If this works out, you should try it.
Over my dead body.
I'd sooner be alone than resort to this.
Not that I'm judging.
- You have no trouble meeting guys.
- I'm separated, and I have a kid.
Yeah? Well, I have no job, no prospects, no interests no hobbies, bad hair, I'm PMS-ing.
Do you think he'll like me? What's not to like? Follow me.
And now, the pièce de Stone Age résistance.
Please, this way.
She already said she was busy.
- When? - In front of the pterodactyls then again in front of the Paleozoic mollusks.
- So what? - So must you be humiliated era by era? I'm giving her time to see the light.
And the most ferocious of all is Tyrannosaurus Rex.
- I'm sorry.
Tyrannosaurus? - Rex.
Rex.
Yes.
And you know, you can see the evolution because he has a very similar stiffness to Rex Harrison.
- You wanna just wait outside? - He's a British actor.
- Continue, please.
- I only know it from the beginning.
That's fine.
Many hundreds of millions of years ago, the Earth was ruled by Excuse me.
You think you'll ever wanna go out with my cousin? Many hundreds of millions of years ago the Earth was ruled - By dinosaurs.
We all understand that.
Just a show of hands.
How many of you think that this lovely woman should go out with my lovely cousin Ira? Excuse me.
Would you mind videotaping my husband and I? Nothing would please me more.
- You're not from New York, are you? - Tampa.
A little tip for you: Don't give your camera to strangers, all right? Everybody just stand over here.
We'll get a whole group shot by Barney.
It'll be fun.
Nice souvenir for everybody.
Won't that be a pleasure? We're taking movies for strangers.
This is what I wanted to do today.
Thank you.
You press there, you look through there, it comes out here.
I'll figure it out.
Thank you.
I understand.
Yeah, this is good, Ira.
- Who picked this joint, you or him? - Don't start looking for faults.
Trust me.
I don't have to look for them.
They'll be there.
Six feet, dark hair, glasses.
- Six feet, dark hair, glasses.
- Jim! - Yo, Jim! Jimmy boy! - Cut it out.
When you've been stood up enough, you develop a sense about these things.
Jimbo! Sorry.
Ira, you wanna take your hand off the nice lady, please? Wait.
Could we start over? I wasn't smiling.
You look plenty perky to me.
- Am I in focus? - Yes, you're in focus.
- I don't feel in focus.
- Trust me when I say you're in focus.
All right, we're happy.
We're in a museum.
It's a moving picture.
I'm just going to zoom in a little.
- I think I got something.
- What? I don't know if it's the lighting in here, but that looks very much like my wife.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here? What are you doing here? Sorry.
What did you do? What, did you follow me here? - No.
- So this is, like, a big coincidence? - She's meeting her date here.
- You wore that? Shut up! How do I know you didn't follow me? - Because I didn't.
- How do I know? - Tell her.
- He wasn't following you.
- He was following her.
- Really? For him.
What's wrong with you? Watch the hair.
- All right.
- Excuse me.
- So where's this guy? - You probably scared him off.
- Just stay where I can see you.
- Whatever.
- It's a pretty weird coincidence.
- Or something.
Or what? That's what it is, okay? It's a coincidence.
It's a big one.
A very large coincidence, I'll grant you, but that's all it is.
- Maybe it was meant to be.
- It was meant by whom? Fate.
God.
I haven't been here since I was a kid.
So? Neither have I.
So what? Would you just open your mind a little? Just a crack! They're all dead, you know.
You think God has nothing better to do than figure out what we're doing on a Saturday? - Maybe he had a slow week.
I'm just saying some things happen for a reason.
I want you off this kick by Monday.
That's him.
That's Lisa's date.
- Can I pick them or what? - Where are you going? - She's going to miss him.
- Well, why don't you let fate handle it? - Fine.
- Fine.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry.
Jeez! - I'm sorry.
I keep doing that today.
- What? Bumping into things.
I'm nervous.
I'm supposed to meet someone here.
- I can relate to that.
- You're meeting someone too? - No, I bump into things a lot.
- I think I've been stood up.
- Would you like to get a cup of coffee? - Sure.
- My name's Jim.
- It's so funny.
- It is? - Well, it's not unfunny.
How does it feel to be so cute and yet so wrong? - All right.
- Just so wrong.
- What happened to your date? - He'll be here any minute.
- He will.
- Well, I didn't say anything.
Who am I kidding? He probably took one look at me and left.
Well, then he's a moxe.
- A what? - A moxe.
- What does that mean? - It's a moxe.
It means a moxe.
What do you think it means? In the meantime, I lose my girl for five minutes next thing I know, she and some guy steaming up the glass by the penguin habitat.
Her loss.
Do you mean that? If you're gonna be nice to me, I'll be nice to you.
Okay.
What the hell.
- Let's try it for a while.
- Yeah.
Well, they're not by the worms.
Wanna see something? Watch.
Sit.
Sit! He was doing it before, I swear.
- What did I do? - Nothing.
I'm just disappointed for her.
You're the one who said if it was meant to happen, it would.
Who are you mad at, me or God? Frankly, you're both getting on my nerves today.
It's a good thing she's not mad at you.
Look at this guy.
Looks like he swallowed an exit sign.
Is that what you did? You swallowed an exit sign? Huh? I asked you a question.
I asked you a question.
See, you don't listen.
That's why your people are extinct.
It's so important for a species to pay attention.
But they never pay Tough room.
What? What? I didn't hear you.
Sorry? I couldn't Honey, he's got me! Honey? Wilma! - Cut it out.
- Honey, he's got me.
- I'm going to go look for Lisa.
- No kidding.
My sweater.
I'm stuck.
- Are you serious? - I'm serious.
That thing is Oh, my God, look at that.
Would you get me out of here, please? - What are you doing? - I'm looking for a scissor.
Well, hurry up.
Hi.
How are you today? - Get out of here! - Mom! Could you take a little longer? I'd like to live here now.
It was in here yesterday.
- You want some Trident? - No, I don't want gum.
- I want my head back.
- Here, here.
Okay.
Look, just bend your arm a little bit.
- Which way? - Against the weave.
Right or left? Talk to me like that.
- I got it.
- You got it? - Big teeth in my eye.
- Careful.
Wow.
I'm like a tuna melt.
Feel how hot.
You're a very hot guy.
- What is that? - That - That's 200 million years of plaque.
- Well, put it back.
Wow.
Do you know how long this thing survived until us? Maybe it has a snap-in thingy like on the video cabinet.
They didn't have that back then.
They did.
Look at that! - Have you got it? - Yes, I got it.
All right.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
I know.
Leave it alone.
You're cranky.
Come on.
Let's make a break for it.
- I don't want to make a break for it.
- You never want to make a break for it.
- Has this come up before? - You know what I mean.
- No, I really don't.
- You never want to go to the theater.
Now I see.
The curator says the tooth's back in.
There's no harm done.
- That's good.
- We're really very sorry about this.
He also said to ask you to leave and not come back.
- Today? - Ever.
- Ever? - That's right.
- We can never come back to - You know what? I don't really care.
They always say that.
Next time, go to the Guggenheim.
They're a little more lenient with hooligans like you.
Did you hear that, sweetie? We're hooligans.
You realize we're banned from here? He banned us.
You and I are two banned hooligans.
Fine with me.
Every time I come to this place, it's a disaster.
Either I can't find my parents or there's a blackout or some dinosaur loses a tooth.
- I told you that.
- What? - The blackout.
I told you that.
- That's my story.
- No, I told you that.
- Why would you tell me my own story? - I wouldn't.
I'd only tell you mine.
This is scary.
You can't tell whose stories are whose anymore? That not supposed to happen for years.
Lisa and I came here as kids and there was a blackout.
Yeah, there's a blackout, except it was me and Ira.
I told you.
No.
I told you that.
I must have listened pretty good that it happened to me.
- What? - You think it could be both our stories? How could it be? There are no "our" stories until four years ago.
- That's what I thought.
- No.
No, listen to me.
We were not here on the same day.
- How do you know? - Because I know.
It happened today.
It could have 20 years ago.
- Never happened, my friend.
- Will you stop saying that? I'm just saying it's possible.
How come you never told me before? - I did.
- When? The first time we went to that Japanese restaurant on the corner of 46th Street for sushi.
It was 48th Street.
I told you.
And it wasn't sushi.
It was teriyaki.
- I would never order teriyaki.
- No.
I never order teriyaki.
All right.
Everybody stay calm! You're not at the Guggenheim.
We just had a little power outage.
We'll have the lights back on momentarily.
- Nice going, PEZ-head.
- I'm going to Alcatraz.
I know it.
- Shouldn't have touched the switch.
- Well, you dared me.
- Never hold up.
Never hold up.
- Alcatraz.
- It's dark in here.
- I like it.
Stay with your group, girls.
- What's that? - My stegosaurus flashlight.
- Shut it off.
- No.
- Where you going? - I'm going to confess.
- You nuts? Let's make a break for it.
- I'm not making a break for it.
- Give it to me! - No! - What are you children doing? - Nothing.
Well, you want to act like hooligans, this isn't the place for it.
- We're sorry, officer.
- We really are.
- I got it.
- No, I got it.
Thank you.
See you.
What was that all about? Watch the hair.
I remember it distinctly.
It's on the corner of 46th Street and you ordered shrimp tempura.
- Okay, I'll give you the tempura.
- I don't want the tempura.
I just want you to admit it's possible.
- You really believe this happened? - I do.
I really do.
Either way, it doesn't really matter, does it? - How can you say that? - Because we're here now, you know? Take me home.
- I got it.
- I got it.
Maybe.
Even if it were true, what would it mean? That we were meant to be together.
Always.
- You really believe that? - Yes, I do.
So if we're meant to be together why would you make plans with your sister? All right.
Just Now, watch.
Sit.
Sit.
- Sit.
- Honey, come on.
Let's get out of here.
I'm telling you, he can do it.
Sit!