Marlon (2017) s02e07 Episode Script
Homecoming
1 What's up, Marloneers? Welcome to "The Marlon Way.
" Growing up, I had a lot of brothers.
I was damn near born into a fraternity.
I was hazed my entire life.
My brothers would lick my food.
Hey, my cookie tastes like spit! It was rough, but see, the thing was, my brothers was always there for me.
And when I went to college, I missed that brotherhood.
And then I met Stevie, and he was always there.
See, they're fast and furious.
[tires squealing.]
Which one is this? Boy, would you stop being there? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon all: Marlon! [hip-hop music.]
The guys are gonna be here any minute.
I hope you brought a jacket, because it's chilly in D.
C.
Girl, I got eight party outfits, six after-party outfits, and I ain't covering up Nair-one of 'em with a damn jacket.
- 14 outfits? - Mm-hmm.
Girl, we're only going for the weekend.
This is Howell homecoming.
I don't know what to expect.
Y'all all had that black college experience.
Homecoming is a blast.
You get to catch up with old friends over wine and cheese and jazz.
[snoring.]
Girl, I'm 'sleep.
I'm trying to day party, night party, after party, and be on somebody's shoulders at the Migos concert.
Oh [trills tongue.]
Yvette, I'm not gonna be one of those pathetic old-heads running around homecoming acting a fool.
HU! - Both: Fo' sho! - [both laughing.]
OK! Yeah, we we don't do that.
I'm so excited, you guys, that we're all going back for homecoming.
Oh, I love going back to homecomings! I like going just to see how terrible people look.
- [laughs.]
- Oh, my God.
On our 20th, this girl came up to me.
She said, "Marlon! You was in my class!" I said, "Which one did you teach?" [laughing.]
Oh, my God.
But this is a special year.
This is the 25th anniversary of the Drew Cows, the fraternity I founded in my underwear while eating a bowl of Lucky Charms.
Wait, so you're the one who started - that stupid cow fraternity? - Yup.
And, you know, I should have started another one for all the farm animals, so this way, you and your horsehair could have joined.
'Cause that weave you got is hi [neighing.]
lar ious.
[cackles.]
I didn't want to be a part of those big frats, so I started the Cows.
Drew Cows! Moo! And this year, the original Cows are coming back to pledge the new line.
Well, Stevie, why aren't you mooing like your ass got stuck with a cattle prod? Sadly, I was never allowed to pledge.
- Mm.
- Marlon always had my back.
But the other founding fathers, Eddie and Dwayne, didn't think that I was "leather.
" That's what they call "Cow material.
" Not being a Cow is still one of the biggest regrets of my life.
Well, that and cheap Lasik.
And never trying out for "The Lion King.
" And missing the "Frasier" finale.
I don't know how it ended.
So many regrets.
And so many reasons why they didn't let you in the frat.
- I mean, well, - if you guys didn't meet in Drew Cows, how did you even become friends? Well, when I first got to HU, uh, my grades was a little bit subpar, per Se.
The only "A" I had was in partying.
So I called Rent-A-Nerd.
And I picked right up.
Of all the people that I tutored, Marlon was the only one who took me to parties.
You could say I helped him with classes And I helped him with asses.
Okay.
Kids, come on down! Hey, we can reminisce about the good old days - when we get to campus.
- Ah! [scoffs.]
Why do we have to stay at Grandma's? Every meal, she tells us a story about segregation.
I don't know who Jim Crow is, but he did a number on Grandma.
[peppy hip-hop music.]
Oh, look at all this black excellence! I never felt more at home.
[giggles.]
I don't know, you looked pretty cozy in the Laker locker room.
Come on, Yvette, I'll show you around.
Okay.
Whoo! Pastor Daddy would have been Pastor Granddaddy if he sent me here.
- [laughs.]
- Come on! This is where our friendship began.
[chuckles.]
Not to be too sentimental, but I'd like to take this opportunity to say all: Drew Cows! Moo! - [all shouting.]
- My man Itchy Eddie, - look at you! - [laughs.]
Remember why we called you Itchy Eddie? 'Cause you got poison ivy and crabs all at the same time! [cackling.]
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Marlon! - Look at you! - What's up, man? Skinny D ain't so skinny no more, man! Look at you, boy! Hey, man, why didn't you invite me to the baby shower? - Ah! - [both laughing.]
- Marlon still got jokes, man! - Yeah, man! And pants so tight, you can see his sperm count! Oh! Hey hey, we ain't got to worry about that, 'cause I just use your condom hat! Is this thing ribbed and lubricated? - [laughter.]
- Oh, hey! Stevie! AKA Nerdy Noggle! Eddie and Dwayne.
Howell's least likely to succeed.
I own my own trucking company.
Well, that's why the "likely's" in there.
Allows for a certain margin of error.
Hey, yo, Stevie, check it out.
We came here to pledge some Calves, so why don't you find your old glee club buddies and you guys can whack it to the "Hamilton" soundtrack? [laughter.]
I'll catch you later, dog! Hey, fellas, I believe it's that time.
Bring in the bighead pledges! Big Brothers! I present to you this year's Cow pledges.
[grunts.]
[sniffs.]
I love the smell of [sniffs.]
Leather in the morning.
Hey, hold up.
I thought we was pledging five.
Pledges! All: Greetings, Big Brothers of Drew Cow Fraternity, not incorporated! We're here to serve! What in the midlife crisis is this? What is this, some kind of joke? Man, let me tell you, you are disrespecting all the distinguished gentlemen that had that bell before you.
I'm talking about legends, like like Dingleberry and Moose-Knuckle and and Lil Stink and Lil Stink Stink, Jr.
No relation, by the way.
This is no joke, Marlon.
I reached out to the current Cow president and asked him to pledge.
I've been waiting 25 years to prove to Eddie and Dwayne what you and I have always known.
That you pull your pants all the way to the floor when you take a pee at the urinal? It's weird, okay? Look at this grown-ass man just sitting there like this.
This looks weird, Stevie! It looks weird! Okay? That I have what it takes to be a Cow.
Stevie, you don't understand.
This pledge process is brutal, man.
And Eddie and Dwayne are not gonna take it easy on you, and neither can I.
- Oh, I can handle it.
- How? Boy, you got the stamina of Aretha Franklin.
You've actually used the motorized scooter in the supermarket! Those are for everybody! This is important to me, Marlon.
- I'm finally gonna be a Cow.
- Stevie - Girl, you should wear this on the booze cruise tonight.
Girl, I already told you I'm not playing with these kids this weekend.
- What's going on, cuties? - Both: Hey! Girl, please tell me y'all are coming on the booze cruise tonight.
Hell yeah! Bye! [squealing.]
[hip-hop music.]
[record scratches.]
Calves! I would like to formally introduce you to our founding fathers.
Big Brother Itchy-E! Moo-moo! Big Brother Skinny-D! Moo-moo, homey.
And the honorable Big Brother Spot Blower.
Moo-moo-moo-moo-moo-moo Being a Cow requires a strong mind.
'Cause we about to break you down.
We about to fondle your brain.
We gonna grope your mind.
We gonna molest your psyche.
Now, all y'all 18, right? Okay, cool.
[sniffs.]
Look at this new meat right here! [sniffs.]
Boy, you stink.
You smell like [sniffs.]
You smell like the wave cap on a prisoner that's serving life! [sniffs.]
Oh, you smell like one of them baby dogs when they six weeks old and you can't wash 'em.
[sniffs.]
Oh, you smell mildewy.
You smell like clothes that you didn't finish drying but then wore to the gym and started stinking.
[sniffing.]
Oh, you smell like floss string after Thanksgiving dinner six years ago! [sniffing.]
Oh, you smell like a cat burglar's hat after he committed a lot of crimes and climbed tall, tall buildings.
[groans.]
Skyscrapers in Dubai.
Man, you damn near 50 years old.
Hey, guys, we're pledging one of the Tuskegee Airmen! [laughter.]
Hey, what's up with this busted-ass Afro? - Who are you, Cornell East? - [cackles.]
You find something funny? With all due respect, Big Brother, I've been friends with Marlon for over two decades! He's called me a lazy-ass, no-sex-having parasite! And that was in my birthday card.
I don't know what color you are.
You're confusing me! I don't know what you are, you What are you, cake batter? Lemon pepper? Off-Drake? So you still friends with Marlon, huh? He's my best friend, Big Brother! Well, here's the question: how come your best friend never wanted you in the Drew Cows? He did! You two kept blocking me! [laughter.]
Yo, he still don't know! Hey, hey, guys, look at look at Fetus Face! Hey, hey, Fetus Face, we gotta put yo' face back in the incubator to let it finish developing! [cackles.]
Hey, it was unanimous, bro.
Now, we all agreed.
You were never Cow material.
Even Marlon.
Marlon, is this true? Um, well, it it all depends on what you mean by "true.
" I mean a statement of fact.
As in something that actually happened.
Are you talking "my girl checked my cell phone, so I gotta admit it" true? Uh, then I-I guess yes.
It's true.
Calves, we're taking you to a muddy field for some cow tipping! By the way, you the cows! And it ain't all mud! Pledges, stampede! [bells ringing.]
You've been lying to me for 25 years.
You knew how much I wanted to be a Cow! - How could you block me? - Because I didn't want you going through the torture of initiation! - Why the hell not? - Dude, you remember you freshman year.
Come on, man! You was soft and corny.
Look, you still corny! Dude, you used to drag your books behind you in a rollaway backpack.
I didn't know if you was going to class or taking a damn red-eye.
I was trying to protect you, Stevie.
Oh, you had to protect me? Like I'm some sort of child? You still wear superhero underwear! And make noises and fly around the house going, "Pssh!" [singing heroic theme.]
Well, you don't need to "protect" me anymore, Marlon.
I'm gonna prove to them and you that I do have what it takes.
In fact, you don't need to protect me ever again.
When we get back to LA, I'm moving out.
Oh, really? Dude, I was just - looking out for you! - I don't need you to look out for me anymore, jackass! [stammering.]
You gonna cuss folks? Did you hear that, Moo-Moo? Stevie's cussin' folks! All right, listen up, Calves! From here on out, it's gonna be pure hell.
And some of you ain't gon' make it.
And I'm not talking to anyone in particular Stevie.
- Serve 'em up! - You have two minutes to find the bottom of this bowl of raw beef.
Hands behind your back.
Begin! You ain't gon' be able to eat this, Stevie, 'cause I didn't buy it for you! Oh, I'm gonna eat it.
If I'm not part of the clean plate club, I don't get dessert.
[munching loudly.]
All right, two Calves have already been sent off to the pasture.
Only three remain.
All Calves will stand with this milk on their backs for the next five hours.
You do that, you become Cows.
Terrence Howard down there ain't gon' last ten minutes.
Hey.
Do me a favor.
Y'all text me when he goes down.
[hip-hop music.]
[record scratches.]
OMG, Marlon.
I've been looking for you! Your whole frat is Snapchatting about how you blocked Stevie from becoming a Cow back in the day.
WTF? Girl, did you just hop out of a DeLorean? You better hurry up and get the plutonium before Zack and Marley disappear.
Why would you block him? Come on, you knew Stevie back in the day, Ashley.
The boy was soft and delicate.
I had to protect his weak ass.
Now he's talking about moving.
Where you gonna go, from our couch to the loveseat? Marlon, let me ask you something.
When your grandmother was sick, who was there for you? My grandpa and his girlfriend? All right.
And Stevie.
And? And he drove me from LA to New York because he knew I couldn't afford a ticket.
- And? - And he got speeding tickets in six states.
- And? - He's still wanted in Illinois.
- And! - I had to pay for the damn tickets! But! But my grandma was happy to see me.
Now, maybe I'm wrong AF.
But it sounds to me like you haven't always been the strong one.
Check it.
So Shane just slid into my DMs, inviting us to his dorm for a beach party! - [squeals.]
- Girl, we gotta bounce! - Okay! - [trills tongue.]
[both cackling.]
Oh, hold up.
Hold up.
Hold up.
- Marlon.
- Yeah.
- You gon' be all right? - Yeah.
I'll be okay.
But I'm concerned about you two.
I mean, between the crow's-feet and the bubblegum lip gloss, girl, y'all look like T-L-Senile.
[laughs.]
Don't go chasing Geritol.
Calf down, two heifers to go.
[cowbell ringing.]
Stevie! I need to talk to you! Well, I guess you came here to watch me fall, prove that you were right.
Well, I'll have you know, sir, your time is impeccable.
It's about to happen.
You're damn right it's about to happen.
I got them Life Alert people on standby.
Smart, smart.
Your weak ass is breathing like your contractions are two minutes apart.
Stevie, listen.
I was wrong about you back in the day.
I didn't know you well enough.
But you know what? You a Cow material! Come on, now, Marlon, you cannot be serious.
Eddie, I know you ain't talkin'.
The only reason why you became a Cow was because you were too scared to join a real frat.
Yeah, one hit with that paddle, and you was ready to join a sorority.
[guffaws.]
[guffaws mockingly.]
I know you ain't laughin', Skinny-D.
Yeah, the only reason why your ass became a Cow is 'cause you wasn't pretty enough to join the pretty boy frat! Yeah, they said you had a pretty face but you had a body like a wounded orangutan! What happened to all those dreams of becoming a model, huh? What kind of model you gon' be, a Lane Bryant model? Come on, guys.
Let's be real.
We started this fraternity because we was a bunch of misfits.
We didn't fit in anywhere.
And then a year later, Stevie comes along and we act all brand-new? Yes, he was a scrawny, nerdy half-a-virgin.
Your tone does not match your words.
My point is, this man is a lot stronger than any of us give him credit for.
Okay, listen, when I got jumped outside of Drew Hall, who stood their ground with me? It wasn't you, Eddie.
Your ass ran off, and you started the fight! And what you shakin' your head at, Skinny-D? You didn't help either! Ol' big-ass brother ain't got no fighting skills.
How you leave HU 0-52? The only one that stood their ground with me was Stevie.
Now, did he get his ass whupped? Yes, mercilessly.
Ten years of tae Kwon do.
They didn't know they were supposed to come at me one at a time.
If anybody deserves to be in this brotherhood, it's this man right here.
Think that's the only reason I started this thing.
I guess I always wanted to be your brother.
Come on, man.
Hey.
You've been my brother for 25 years.
And I don't need no stupid initiation to prove that.
Come on, man, take this thing off.
No.
No, I've come way too far, Marlon.
I'm gonna finish.
You sure? Well, then you really want to take that off, because uh, your time been up about 45 seconds ago.
What? Yeah, I was really feeling the speech.
It was moving, you know what I'm saying? Like, I got after-school-special bumps on the back of my neck.
It was feeling good.
Okay, ring the bell! [cowbell rings.]
- [groans.]
- Congratulations, Calves! You're now all: Drew Cows! Moo! Presenting Stephandre Noggle and Dustin I-I don't know your last name 'cause, Negro, I ain't think you was gon' make it as newest members of the Drew Cows, not incorporated.
And from here on out, I want to announce there will be no more grazing.
If you want to join the Cows, all you have to do is share with us your misfit status and/or your ability to catch chicks.
Drew Cows! All: Moo! [all chanting.]
Moo! Moo! Moo! Both: Shh! Shh! [laughs.]
What the hell happened to you two? - [laughs weakly.]
- Uh yeah, we went with some fraternity, uh, - gentlemen - Mm-hmm.
To the Campbell Hall Beach Party.
And we partied like we were 19 years old.
Which we are definitely not.
Wait, so y'all were with the Campbell Cougars? - The Campbell Cougars? - Yeah.
[both snickering.]
It's the job of every Campbell pledge to bring the hottest moms they can find to the homecoming beach party.
- Campbell Cougars! - [chuckles.]
So mean.
The hottest cougars? Well, you know what? I'll take it.
And, Yvette, I want to thank you for pushing me.
I thought I was gonna feel like an old-head, but it felt good turning back the clock - this weekend.
- Aww.
[giggles.]
And I finally got the black college experience.
[giggles.]
Drew Cows! All: You know! Moo! Drew Cow! [all chanting, grunting.]
All: Hey! [all chanting.]
Hey!
" Growing up, I had a lot of brothers.
I was damn near born into a fraternity.
I was hazed my entire life.
My brothers would lick my food.
Hey, my cookie tastes like spit! It was rough, but see, the thing was, my brothers was always there for me.
And when I went to college, I missed that brotherhood.
And then I met Stevie, and he was always there.
See, they're fast and furious.
[tires squealing.]
Which one is this? Boy, would you stop being there? Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon all: Marlon! [hip-hop music.]
The guys are gonna be here any minute.
I hope you brought a jacket, because it's chilly in D.
C.
Girl, I got eight party outfits, six after-party outfits, and I ain't covering up Nair-one of 'em with a damn jacket.
- 14 outfits? - Mm-hmm.
Girl, we're only going for the weekend.
This is Howell homecoming.
I don't know what to expect.
Y'all all had that black college experience.
Homecoming is a blast.
You get to catch up with old friends over wine and cheese and jazz.
[snoring.]
Girl, I'm 'sleep.
I'm trying to day party, night party, after party, and be on somebody's shoulders at the Migos concert.
Oh [trills tongue.]
Yvette, I'm not gonna be one of those pathetic old-heads running around homecoming acting a fool.
HU! - Both: Fo' sho! - [both laughing.]
OK! Yeah, we we don't do that.
I'm so excited, you guys, that we're all going back for homecoming.
Oh, I love going back to homecomings! I like going just to see how terrible people look.
- [laughs.]
- Oh, my God.
On our 20th, this girl came up to me.
She said, "Marlon! You was in my class!" I said, "Which one did you teach?" [laughing.]
Oh, my God.
But this is a special year.
This is the 25th anniversary of the Drew Cows, the fraternity I founded in my underwear while eating a bowl of Lucky Charms.
Wait, so you're the one who started - that stupid cow fraternity? - Yup.
And, you know, I should have started another one for all the farm animals, so this way, you and your horsehair could have joined.
'Cause that weave you got is hi [neighing.]
lar ious.
[cackles.]
I didn't want to be a part of those big frats, so I started the Cows.
Drew Cows! Moo! And this year, the original Cows are coming back to pledge the new line.
Well, Stevie, why aren't you mooing like your ass got stuck with a cattle prod? Sadly, I was never allowed to pledge.
- Mm.
- Marlon always had my back.
But the other founding fathers, Eddie and Dwayne, didn't think that I was "leather.
" That's what they call "Cow material.
" Not being a Cow is still one of the biggest regrets of my life.
Well, that and cheap Lasik.
And never trying out for "The Lion King.
" And missing the "Frasier" finale.
I don't know how it ended.
So many regrets.
And so many reasons why they didn't let you in the frat.
- I mean, well, - if you guys didn't meet in Drew Cows, how did you even become friends? Well, when I first got to HU, uh, my grades was a little bit subpar, per Se.
The only "A" I had was in partying.
So I called Rent-A-Nerd.
And I picked right up.
Of all the people that I tutored, Marlon was the only one who took me to parties.
You could say I helped him with classes And I helped him with asses.
Okay.
Kids, come on down! Hey, we can reminisce about the good old days - when we get to campus.
- Ah! [scoffs.]
Why do we have to stay at Grandma's? Every meal, she tells us a story about segregation.
I don't know who Jim Crow is, but he did a number on Grandma.
[peppy hip-hop music.]
Oh, look at all this black excellence! I never felt more at home.
[giggles.]
I don't know, you looked pretty cozy in the Laker locker room.
Come on, Yvette, I'll show you around.
Okay.
Whoo! Pastor Daddy would have been Pastor Granddaddy if he sent me here.
- [laughs.]
- Come on! This is where our friendship began.
[chuckles.]
Not to be too sentimental, but I'd like to take this opportunity to say all: Drew Cows! Moo! - [all shouting.]
- My man Itchy Eddie, - look at you! - [laughs.]
Remember why we called you Itchy Eddie? 'Cause you got poison ivy and crabs all at the same time! [cackling.]
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Marlon! - Look at you! - What's up, man? Skinny D ain't so skinny no more, man! Look at you, boy! Hey, man, why didn't you invite me to the baby shower? - Ah! - [both laughing.]
- Marlon still got jokes, man! - Yeah, man! And pants so tight, you can see his sperm count! Oh! Hey hey, we ain't got to worry about that, 'cause I just use your condom hat! Is this thing ribbed and lubricated? - [laughter.]
- Oh, hey! Stevie! AKA Nerdy Noggle! Eddie and Dwayne.
Howell's least likely to succeed.
I own my own trucking company.
Well, that's why the "likely's" in there.
Allows for a certain margin of error.
Hey, yo, Stevie, check it out.
We came here to pledge some Calves, so why don't you find your old glee club buddies and you guys can whack it to the "Hamilton" soundtrack? [laughter.]
I'll catch you later, dog! Hey, fellas, I believe it's that time.
Bring in the bighead pledges! Big Brothers! I present to you this year's Cow pledges.
[grunts.]
[sniffs.]
I love the smell of [sniffs.]
Leather in the morning.
Hey, hold up.
I thought we was pledging five.
Pledges! All: Greetings, Big Brothers of Drew Cow Fraternity, not incorporated! We're here to serve! What in the midlife crisis is this? What is this, some kind of joke? Man, let me tell you, you are disrespecting all the distinguished gentlemen that had that bell before you.
I'm talking about legends, like like Dingleberry and Moose-Knuckle and and Lil Stink and Lil Stink Stink, Jr.
No relation, by the way.
This is no joke, Marlon.
I reached out to the current Cow president and asked him to pledge.
I've been waiting 25 years to prove to Eddie and Dwayne what you and I have always known.
That you pull your pants all the way to the floor when you take a pee at the urinal? It's weird, okay? Look at this grown-ass man just sitting there like this.
This looks weird, Stevie! It looks weird! Okay? That I have what it takes to be a Cow.
Stevie, you don't understand.
This pledge process is brutal, man.
And Eddie and Dwayne are not gonna take it easy on you, and neither can I.
- Oh, I can handle it.
- How? Boy, you got the stamina of Aretha Franklin.
You've actually used the motorized scooter in the supermarket! Those are for everybody! This is important to me, Marlon.
- I'm finally gonna be a Cow.
- Stevie - Girl, you should wear this on the booze cruise tonight.
Girl, I already told you I'm not playing with these kids this weekend.
- What's going on, cuties? - Both: Hey! Girl, please tell me y'all are coming on the booze cruise tonight.
Hell yeah! Bye! [squealing.]
[hip-hop music.]
[record scratches.]
Calves! I would like to formally introduce you to our founding fathers.
Big Brother Itchy-E! Moo-moo! Big Brother Skinny-D! Moo-moo, homey.
And the honorable Big Brother Spot Blower.
Moo-moo-moo-moo-moo-moo Being a Cow requires a strong mind.
'Cause we about to break you down.
We about to fondle your brain.
We gonna grope your mind.
We gonna molest your psyche.
Now, all y'all 18, right? Okay, cool.
[sniffs.]
Look at this new meat right here! [sniffs.]
Boy, you stink.
You smell like [sniffs.]
You smell like the wave cap on a prisoner that's serving life! [sniffs.]
Oh, you smell like one of them baby dogs when they six weeks old and you can't wash 'em.
[sniffs.]
Oh, you smell mildewy.
You smell like clothes that you didn't finish drying but then wore to the gym and started stinking.
[sniffing.]
Oh, you smell like floss string after Thanksgiving dinner six years ago! [sniffing.]
Oh, you smell like a cat burglar's hat after he committed a lot of crimes and climbed tall, tall buildings.
[groans.]
Skyscrapers in Dubai.
Man, you damn near 50 years old.
Hey, guys, we're pledging one of the Tuskegee Airmen! [laughter.]
Hey, what's up with this busted-ass Afro? - Who are you, Cornell East? - [cackles.]
You find something funny? With all due respect, Big Brother, I've been friends with Marlon for over two decades! He's called me a lazy-ass, no-sex-having parasite! And that was in my birthday card.
I don't know what color you are.
You're confusing me! I don't know what you are, you What are you, cake batter? Lemon pepper? Off-Drake? So you still friends with Marlon, huh? He's my best friend, Big Brother! Well, here's the question: how come your best friend never wanted you in the Drew Cows? He did! You two kept blocking me! [laughter.]
Yo, he still don't know! Hey, hey, guys, look at look at Fetus Face! Hey, hey, Fetus Face, we gotta put yo' face back in the incubator to let it finish developing! [cackles.]
Hey, it was unanimous, bro.
Now, we all agreed.
You were never Cow material.
Even Marlon.
Marlon, is this true? Um, well, it it all depends on what you mean by "true.
" I mean a statement of fact.
As in something that actually happened.
Are you talking "my girl checked my cell phone, so I gotta admit it" true? Uh, then I-I guess yes.
It's true.
Calves, we're taking you to a muddy field for some cow tipping! By the way, you the cows! And it ain't all mud! Pledges, stampede! [bells ringing.]
You've been lying to me for 25 years.
You knew how much I wanted to be a Cow! - How could you block me? - Because I didn't want you going through the torture of initiation! - Why the hell not? - Dude, you remember you freshman year.
Come on, man! You was soft and corny.
Look, you still corny! Dude, you used to drag your books behind you in a rollaway backpack.
I didn't know if you was going to class or taking a damn red-eye.
I was trying to protect you, Stevie.
Oh, you had to protect me? Like I'm some sort of child? You still wear superhero underwear! And make noises and fly around the house going, "Pssh!" [singing heroic theme.]
Well, you don't need to "protect" me anymore, Marlon.
I'm gonna prove to them and you that I do have what it takes.
In fact, you don't need to protect me ever again.
When we get back to LA, I'm moving out.
Oh, really? Dude, I was just - looking out for you! - I don't need you to look out for me anymore, jackass! [stammering.]
You gonna cuss folks? Did you hear that, Moo-Moo? Stevie's cussin' folks! All right, listen up, Calves! From here on out, it's gonna be pure hell.
And some of you ain't gon' make it.
And I'm not talking to anyone in particular Stevie.
- Serve 'em up! - You have two minutes to find the bottom of this bowl of raw beef.
Hands behind your back.
Begin! You ain't gon' be able to eat this, Stevie, 'cause I didn't buy it for you! Oh, I'm gonna eat it.
If I'm not part of the clean plate club, I don't get dessert.
[munching loudly.]
All right, two Calves have already been sent off to the pasture.
Only three remain.
All Calves will stand with this milk on their backs for the next five hours.
You do that, you become Cows.
Terrence Howard down there ain't gon' last ten minutes.
Hey.
Do me a favor.
Y'all text me when he goes down.
[hip-hop music.]
[record scratches.]
OMG, Marlon.
I've been looking for you! Your whole frat is Snapchatting about how you blocked Stevie from becoming a Cow back in the day.
WTF? Girl, did you just hop out of a DeLorean? You better hurry up and get the plutonium before Zack and Marley disappear.
Why would you block him? Come on, you knew Stevie back in the day, Ashley.
The boy was soft and delicate.
I had to protect his weak ass.
Now he's talking about moving.
Where you gonna go, from our couch to the loveseat? Marlon, let me ask you something.
When your grandmother was sick, who was there for you? My grandpa and his girlfriend? All right.
And Stevie.
And? And he drove me from LA to New York because he knew I couldn't afford a ticket.
- And? - And he got speeding tickets in six states.
- And? - He's still wanted in Illinois.
- And! - I had to pay for the damn tickets! But! But my grandma was happy to see me.
Now, maybe I'm wrong AF.
But it sounds to me like you haven't always been the strong one.
Check it.
So Shane just slid into my DMs, inviting us to his dorm for a beach party! - [squeals.]
- Girl, we gotta bounce! - Okay! - [trills tongue.]
[both cackling.]
Oh, hold up.
Hold up.
Hold up.
- Marlon.
- Yeah.
- You gon' be all right? - Yeah.
I'll be okay.
But I'm concerned about you two.
I mean, between the crow's-feet and the bubblegum lip gloss, girl, y'all look like T-L-Senile.
[laughs.]
Don't go chasing Geritol.
Calf down, two heifers to go.
[cowbell ringing.]
Stevie! I need to talk to you! Well, I guess you came here to watch me fall, prove that you were right.
Well, I'll have you know, sir, your time is impeccable.
It's about to happen.
You're damn right it's about to happen.
I got them Life Alert people on standby.
Smart, smart.
Your weak ass is breathing like your contractions are two minutes apart.
Stevie, listen.
I was wrong about you back in the day.
I didn't know you well enough.
But you know what? You a Cow material! Come on, now, Marlon, you cannot be serious.
Eddie, I know you ain't talkin'.
The only reason why you became a Cow was because you were too scared to join a real frat.
Yeah, one hit with that paddle, and you was ready to join a sorority.
[guffaws.]
[guffaws mockingly.]
I know you ain't laughin', Skinny-D.
Yeah, the only reason why your ass became a Cow is 'cause you wasn't pretty enough to join the pretty boy frat! Yeah, they said you had a pretty face but you had a body like a wounded orangutan! What happened to all those dreams of becoming a model, huh? What kind of model you gon' be, a Lane Bryant model? Come on, guys.
Let's be real.
We started this fraternity because we was a bunch of misfits.
We didn't fit in anywhere.
And then a year later, Stevie comes along and we act all brand-new? Yes, he was a scrawny, nerdy half-a-virgin.
Your tone does not match your words.
My point is, this man is a lot stronger than any of us give him credit for.
Okay, listen, when I got jumped outside of Drew Hall, who stood their ground with me? It wasn't you, Eddie.
Your ass ran off, and you started the fight! And what you shakin' your head at, Skinny-D? You didn't help either! Ol' big-ass brother ain't got no fighting skills.
How you leave HU 0-52? The only one that stood their ground with me was Stevie.
Now, did he get his ass whupped? Yes, mercilessly.
Ten years of tae Kwon do.
They didn't know they were supposed to come at me one at a time.
If anybody deserves to be in this brotherhood, it's this man right here.
Think that's the only reason I started this thing.
I guess I always wanted to be your brother.
Come on, man.
Hey.
You've been my brother for 25 years.
And I don't need no stupid initiation to prove that.
Come on, man, take this thing off.
No.
No, I've come way too far, Marlon.
I'm gonna finish.
You sure? Well, then you really want to take that off, because uh, your time been up about 45 seconds ago.
What? Yeah, I was really feeling the speech.
It was moving, you know what I'm saying? Like, I got after-school-special bumps on the back of my neck.
It was feeling good.
Okay, ring the bell! [cowbell rings.]
- [groans.]
- Congratulations, Calves! You're now all: Drew Cows! Moo! Presenting Stephandre Noggle and Dustin I-I don't know your last name 'cause, Negro, I ain't think you was gon' make it as newest members of the Drew Cows, not incorporated.
And from here on out, I want to announce there will be no more grazing.
If you want to join the Cows, all you have to do is share with us your misfit status and/or your ability to catch chicks.
Drew Cows! All: Moo! [all chanting.]
Moo! Moo! Moo! Both: Shh! Shh! [laughs.]
What the hell happened to you two? - [laughs weakly.]
- Uh yeah, we went with some fraternity, uh, - gentlemen - Mm-hmm.
To the Campbell Hall Beach Party.
And we partied like we were 19 years old.
Which we are definitely not.
Wait, so y'all were with the Campbell Cougars? - The Campbell Cougars? - Yeah.
[both snickering.]
It's the job of every Campbell pledge to bring the hottest moms they can find to the homecoming beach party.
- Campbell Cougars! - [chuckles.]
So mean.
The hottest cougars? Well, you know what? I'll take it.
And, Yvette, I want to thank you for pushing me.
I thought I was gonna feel like an old-head, but it felt good turning back the clock - this weekend.
- Aww.
[giggles.]
And I finally got the black college experience.
[giggles.]
Drew Cows! All: You know! Moo! Drew Cow! [all chanting, grunting.]
All: Hey! [all chanting.]
Hey!