M*A*S*H (MASH) s02e07 Episode Script

- [Film Projector Rattling.]
- [Indians Yelling, Gunshots.]
##[Bugle: "Charge".]
[Music Swells.]
[P.
A.
Announcer.]
Attention, all personnel.
Tomorrow night's movie will be Flying Leathernecks, starringJohn Wayne, Ward Bond and Maureen O'Hara.
Be sure to see this with a marine you love.
I've seen it before, but that part where she loses the baby always makes me cry.
Well, they weren't married.
She had to lose it.
Single people can't have babies.
It's a medical fact in Hollywood.
Tomorrow night? The Flying Leathernecks with John Wayne? Tonight isn't over yet.
Don't they ever show anything but war pictures? I think the army's trying to prove movies are hell.
- Apres vous.
We're home.
- You're pretty fast with that plural.
I go on duty in a couple of hours.
- I won't spoil you for the big game.
- Tomorrow night.
[Mclntyre.]
A handshake? That's all you got? She sounds like a weirdo.
Possibly a fetish.
There's a case in Krafft-Ebing.
A woman shook hands with 400 strange men in one night.
Her hand is on display at the Berlin Academy of Medicine and Whoopee.
Stop.
You're getting me excited.
I haven't had a handshake since I was in high school.
Well, my money's on you, Hawk.
You're the top scorer in the league.
Disgusting! Why is it whenever I come in here, it's disgusting? I think that says it all, Frank.
Ohh! This is the last straw! Remind me to order more straws.
- You've been reading my letter! - What letter, Frank? This letter I'm writing to my wife.
I always pull a hair out and place it on the paper, and that hair is gone.
Maybe your paper is losing its hair.
Imagine writing a bald letter home.
Why would we read your stupid letter? I got my own wife to write.
"My darling.
I'm exhausted.
I've done 11 major operations in the last two days.
" You did read it! You, you guys! - We are not! - [Laughing.]
Doc, can I see you? It's about a patient outside.
Oh, I'd like to, Phil, but right now I'm on drunk duty.
Major Burns is the ranking medical officer here.
And as such, I order you to see the patient.
Please, Hawkeye.
It's important.
- If it's important - Write your wife.
Save your hair.
- [Baby Crying.]
- There he is.
That's the patient.
Boy, did his draft board go crazy.
Hi.
Would you turn on the headlights? - Step into my office.
- He's been crying constantly, Doc.
- A couple of days.
- How you doin', pal? [Continues Crying.]
It's probably just a touch of colic.
Does that hurt when I press here? I don't feel anything.
I think it must just be colic.
I'll see if I can get you some stuff at the dispensary.
- He's gonna be all right.
- Doc, there's something else.
I'm being shipped home.
I don't want to leave them.
- You're not married? - Sort of.
Sort of married is like sort of a virgin.
She wouldn't, um I mean, she said we had to be married first.
So we got married.
You gave her your dog tags? You drank out of the same canteen? I had the cook marry us.
He used to be an altar boy.
No wonder everything tastes like candles around here.
- When are you getting shipped home? - Couple of weeks.
[Sighs.]
You know what's involved in getting permission to marry a Korean? It takes a couple of weeks just to find the guy who tells you it takes a year.
- That's why I came to you.
- You couldn't just go home with a Japanese bathrobe or a turtle with MacArthur painted on its back? - I'll see what I can do.
- Thanks.
Oh, hey, Phil, when it comes time, see me about the circumcision, not the cook.
- Uh, sir? - I can't sign anything now.
I'm sterile.
Oh, uh, well, I found the forms for enlisted men marrying L.
I.
P.
's, sir.
- Great.
- L.
I.
P.
's? That's army for the natives.
It stands for "local indigenous personnel.
" Leave it to the army to remind us nobody's human.
Lemme see the next one.
We went through the same routine with Corporal Berlinger.
- Remember, sir? - Yeah, Berlinger, right.
- Show us the rest at the table, will ya? - Uh, uh, sir? Uh, the plane with John Wayne didn't get here.
- Darn it! - What movie are we showing tonight? What have we got on hand? Well, I could give you Bonzo Goes to College or The Thing That Ate the Bronx.
- Show 'em both.
- Preferably at the same time.
Yes, sir.
- What happened to Berlinger? - He shacked up with this pretty local.
They wanted to get married.
Oh, look at that chunk of metal in this kid's belly.
Big enough to be a '38 Buick.
Okay, thanks, pal.
- So? - Intelligence started an investigation.
- It's S.
O.
P.
- What happened? Well, they went into her background.
Suction.
Her family, you know.
The war's made a lot of these girls chippies.
- Easy, Henry.
- We're out of chippies, Doctor.
I can give you a retractor.
- We'll do the jokes, Nurse.
- Yes, Doctor.
Henry, why is it assumed that any girl who isn't a blue-eyed, blonde-haired baton twirler is automatically a pro? Forceps.
If you're getting on a soapbox, we'll have to crank up the table.
- Clamp.
How about some retraction here? - Wow.
Look at that.
- He's sitting too close to the war.
- You're not gonna believe this.
Berlinger's investigation took a year and a half.
- Happy ending? - He got married.
- Good.
- To the WAC who did all the paperwork.
- Bad.
- Yeah.
- Henry, I can't let Walker down.
- I know, I know.
Clamp.
We gotta get them married before their kid is old enough to get drafted.
##[Radio.]
- Nice idea, this.
- It's better than the movie.
Once you see something eat the Bronx, you've seen everything eat the Bronx.
These are good.
I'm lucky the cook wasn't marrying anybody tonight.
- Am I supposed to understand that? - Not really.
I like eating outside.
In fact, I like doing almost anything outside.
Fair enough.
Your tree or mine? I said almost anything.
In that case, I may just teach you to play golf one day.
- I'm a three handicap.
- Then you can teach me to play golf.
What else are you good at? And I don't mind moving your answer indoors.
A couple of things.
But I even enjoy things I'm not good at.
You interest me strangely.
Maybe we could be terrible at something together.
Well, I'm a rotten dancer, but I enjoy it.
Excuse me.
I couldn't help noticing you're a wallflower because you're such a rotten dancer.
Everybody wants to go to the parking lot, but nobody wants to dance with me.
I also want to go to the parking lot, but first I'll teach you to dance.
- Are you any good? - I taught Sarah Bernhardt how to dance.
- She had a wooden leg.
- I had to charge her extra.
Now, the secret is three little steps.
Step one.
- That was step two.
- What's step three? Which brings us to step four.
- I thought there were only three.
- That's just for regular students.
I think you're ready for advanced training.
I think so too, but I don't think this is the right classroom.
How about tomorrow? My tent? - You have any records to dance to? - No.
Good.
I hate dancing.
Uh, sir? What is it, Radar? I finished the S-3 L.
I.
P.
Forms on Corporal Walker.
The C.
I.
D.
Called, and they're sending a Lt.
Willis to investigate.
- He should be here at any time.
- That's nice.
I also got four officers to sign theJ-19 application and the character reference.
- Sir? - Yo.
- Uh, John Wayne didn't show up again.
- Oh, rats! Well, what are we gonna show? - You got any Bonzos left? - Just one, sir.
Bonzo Runs For President.
- Well, that sounds good.
Show that.
- Yes, sir.
And The Thing That Ate the Bronx.
I could see that every night.
Oh, me too.
Also, sir, Majors Burns and Houlihan request permission to see you.
Permission denied.
Tell 'em I'm busy.
[Clears Throat.]
- They're here, right? - Yes, sir.
- Yeah.
- Major Burns wants to make a complaint.
- A very serious, formal complaint.
- What is it, Frank? He feels that Cpl.
O'Reilly has been involved in the Walker matter to the exclusion of every other administrative function on this base.
- Really, Frank? - [Houlihan.]
Yes! Supply requisitions are not being processed.
Duty rosters are late.
I can go on for an hour.
It's incredible.
I mean, Frank, I never saw your lips move once.
How do you do that? We're running a hospital, not a marriage bureau.
I'm expecting a C.
I.
D.
Man here momentarily.
Then we can dispose of this Walker matter quick as a bunny.
Only Captain Pierce could get action that fast.
Just another example of who's really running this outfit.
- That's pretty strong stuff, Frank.
- It's true! You're nothing but a golf-playing figurehead.
Watch your language, Frank, or I might have to punch her right in the mouth.
Are you just gonna stand there and wait until the birds cover you with leaves? I haven't said anything because I'm livid! I happen to have a blood pressure situation.
If I ever let myself go Splack! Splack? I want you to know that I agree with everything I've said.
The army has clear-cut guidelines and procedures for marriage applications.
Marriage is serious.
It requires careful thought and consideration.
Both parties need to think about it to protect the sanctity of the institution.
I know in my own case that only cool deliberation beforehand made my marriage a great union that will endure forever.
Oh, Frank! Well, Frank, win a few, lose a few.
Don't take off too much, Sol.
Regina's crazy about me the way I am.
Who can blame her? - Can I have the car tonight, Dad? - I'm afraid not, Andy.
You'll only drive out to some lonely spot and start shaking hands.
No, that was just the first date.
We're way past the handshake stage.
- The earth's gonna tremble tonight? - Also stars will fall on Alabama.
On a scale of ten, I'd say this is nine and three-quarters.
Your problem is, you lack confidence.
Would you like a little tonic? Why not? I know I smell great the way I am, but better wouldn't hurt.
[Making Squirting Sound.]
You don't have any tonic! No, but I have a date.
Bye.
I would remind you, sir, you are a married man.
That's only an ugly rumor started by my wife.
There you go, Frank.
Write your heart out.
- Captain Pierce? - Yo! Come in.
Lieutenant Willis, C.
I.
D.
, Tokyo.
- You live here? - Oh, well, you came at a bad time.
We just had the place cleaned up.
Pierce, I've been assigned this Walker deal.
- Oh, that was fast.
- I'm going to have to interview you.
Okay.
I get up early or I get up late.
You name it.
I was thinkin' of now.
I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I have an appointment.
- Why the stall? - This is a hospital.
Doctors and nurses.
Where you have doctors and nurses, you have a lot of operating going on.
Some of it even in surgery.
Your story has touched my heart, Doc, but I fractured my tail getting up here.
So when do you want to do it? Now or never? Let me put it this way.
I respect how intimidated you make me feel.
- Can I offer you one? - Homemade hooch? This is wonder booze, the elixir of life.
Keeps us going.
As long as you're pouring.
Thanks.
First off, I want as much dope as you can give me about this Walker guy.
- Happy days.
- Cheers.
Whoo! What's in this stuff? Oh, a little bit of this, a little bit of that, a lot of dreams.
- Klinger, you got it.
- Oh, the cook fixed it up very nice.
Be careful.
Don't spill the gravy.
Will you do me a favor? Take it over to Lt.
Hoffman.
Tell her I'll be there in half an hour.
Unavoidable, okay? You got it.
Lieutenant.
What's that? Corporal Klinger.
He's bucking to get out.
I wouldn't take him out for a $50 bill.
That's highly irregular.
Well, it's harmless.
Okay, tell me about Walker and tell me about the broad.
Uh, if you don't mind, can we refer to her as "Kim" and/or the "young lady"? Do you know why those young ladies want to marry our guys? Huh? You think they're really crazy about us, right? Gee, I don't know why anybody would wanna marry an American to get away from poverty and dysentery and starvation.
You just can't please some people.
- You a Republican or a Democrat? - Who are you investigating? I've got to know your character if you're vouching for his.
I tell ya, a lot of wrong thinking a lot of wrong thinking in this man's army.
Got some more of this turpentine? All you want.
So I'm taking out all my shoulder pads.
I really feel that natural look is much more soft and it helps the bustline.
- It's been almost an hour.
- Well, he did say it was unavoidable.
How about a little more chicken? It's delicious.
Do you have trouble sleeping with curlers? Lieutenant, I've given you a lot of information.
Unless you're writing a novel about Walker, it seems to me that'd be enough.
I'll tell you, I don't see how we can leapfrog procedure.
Nothing special here.
Lieutenant there's a baby.
You're kidding.
The shack-up has produced a shack-let.
Walker wants to take the girl and their child back home.
That's why the rush.
They got a kid and they're not even married? - It's been known to happen.
- Are you crazy? You call me down here to tell me the guy has a baby? Oh.
Gimme some more.
Anybody we know? That is unfortunately not the late Lt.
Willis, C.
I.
D.
What happened? He came here investigating Walker.
I told him about the baby.
- You nuts? - I'm an old-fashioned idiot.
I think two people who have a child have a right to get married.
Well, you sure fouled up Walker.
Your friendly neighborhood C.
I.
D.
Man.
That's a real picture.
Almost suitable for framing.
What do you think? - It's worth a try.
- You get started.
I'll be right back.
## [Humming.]
- Oh, it's you.
- Sorry.
I just came over to apologize.
- The coq au vin was delicious.
- Well, why not? Vintage chicken.
Army surplus, '39.
Look, I just need a little more time, but I'll be back, okay? Then exactly at midnight, we'll take off our masks and go to pieces.
Oh, come on.
That's just a deposit.
You get the rest later.
The rest goes like this.
Mmm! Mmm! Terrible! - [Coughing.]
- How do you feel? - Pierce, remember? - Who's that? That's Walker? Oh, that's Mclntyre.
Captain Mclntyre, Lieutenant Willis.
Please don't get up, even if you can.
I warned you.
This stuff is murder, huh? - How long have I been here? - About two hours.
And three nurses.
A brassiere? Or earmuffs, depending on the weather.
The lieutenant's uniform, sir.
Cleaned and pressed.
The corporal does nice work.
We got out all the stains except for the mascara on your Good Conduct ribbon.
- Thank you, Corporal.
- You're welcome, sir.
Your pictures will be ready in 20 minutes.
Pictures of me and the girls.
A little memento of your visit to the 4077 th.
[Mclntyre.]
All beautifully bound in an album engraved "Kill.
" Pictures? Lipstick on the shirt? A bra? What was in the booze? - Nothing.
- More than we can say for the bra.
A setup so I'd okay the Walker application.
Right! Forget it! You calling our bluff? I've framed more guys in my lifetime than you'll operate on.
Yes, I'm calling your bluff.
Yeah.
How can you be sure it didn't happen? And if it did happen, we might send the pictures to your wife.
- Or your commanding officer.
- It never happened.
You're right.
We don't have any pictures.
- It never happened.
- But how can you be sure? And if we make a case out of it, proof or not, it goes on your record.
Hey, Lieutenant, you're right, don't sign it.
Take a chance.
Yeah.
What do I care if Walker marries some bimbo? Let's see him get an apartment back in the States with a Korean wife! - How about a little drink? - What, on top of this? I'll tell you somethin', the way you guys operate, I wouldn't mind if you took care of my hernia.
With or without pictures? - Here we are.
- Plural at last.
- You make me nervous.
- I'm doing my best.
I've been nervous since the first time I saw you.
You got a remedy, Doctor? - Take two aspirin and go to bed.
- I don't have any aspirin.
Well, we can skip the first part.
A toast first.
- To the beginning.
- And the middle and the end.
Boy, when you make a toast, you don't fool around.
Ohh.
- Hawkeye? - Yes.
Whatever.
You never told me what all the unavoidable delay tonight was about.
A couple people I know wanted to get married and l I expedited the paperwork.
- Oh, that's sweet.
You're a sweet man.
- I love your perception.
Why a bad time? The army wasn't sure the girl was good enough for one of their draftees.
But You know Phil Walker over in X-ray? Her name is Kim.
Personally, I prefer "Regina.
" - Kim? Isn't that a Korean name? - No, not necessarily.
But in this case, it is, which works out fine 'cause Kim is Korean.
You fixed it so someone could marry a Korean? That's why you stood me up? Who stood you up? You don't see this adorable person sitting here, lips at the ready? I just want to make sure I have all the facts, that's all.
What is this, an interview for Stars and Stripes? Fact one: Phil loves Kim and Kim loves Phil.
So much so they created fact two a baby.
Phil is being shipped home, and he wants to take his wife and baby with him.
Pretty complicated, huh? And so you had to arrange for a marriage between one of our guys and a gook.
- Kim is Korean.
- It's a matter of semantics.
What What are you trying to tell me? You don't care for L.
I.
P.
's? Well, not when they marry our people.
Our people? Since I'm one of them, now who, who are we? - Whites, silly.
- Oh, us.
Of course.
- What are you doing? - I think I want my handshake back.
You're built, Lieutenant.
You You've got a body I'd like to take a lifetime getting to know.
Once I've learned it, I'd like to start at the top and go to the bottom again.
But somewhere in that luscious chemistry are some pretty unappetizing ideas.
I don't think I can take the mix.
Good night, Lieutenant Hoffman.
Make that good-bye, Lieutenant Hoffman.
I forgot my wine.
Is that all? No.
Actually, there's one more thing.
[Blows Raspberry.]
[Mulcahy.]
In sickness and in health, till death do you part.
The ring, please.
Hey, your mommy and daddy are getting married.
- "With this ring" - With this ring, I thee wed.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
[Cheering.]
Hey, guys, guys! - I caught the bouquet! - Well, don't look at me.