Mount Pleasant (2011) s02e07 Episode Script

We ended up copping off last night.
This year, we're off to sunny Spain.
Spain.
No, no, no.
Jean.
Anytime you want to pester me, you just knock.
I will do.
Even for sex.
Hiya, Lisa.
Looking forward to your Mum and Dad coming home are you? Oh Is it tomorrow? I'd forgotten.
Had you? Is that why you're throwing a party, is it? Thought it would be nice to take them out for a welcome home drink, that's all.
It's not a party.
How come you've asked Shelley and Denise then? And Bianca.
But it's not a party! Just miss them that's all.
I'd never have noticed.
I know, I know - it's the hardest part.
We're so keen to stress the importance of putting things behind you and moving on But that's never easy, not when you still have regrets for what's happened.
Sometimes we can't get past things until we tackle them head on.
Step five.
Step five.
Making amends.
Have you given it any thought? Who you think might be best placed to help facilitate this idea? Yes.
And yes, I have.
Good.
And who might that be? Dan! What? Is this how it is now then? Full on surveillance every time you step outside the house? You're probably never gonna see her again she just wanted to tell us she was back, that's all.
I thought it was quite big of her.
She could have done that with a phone call, 'stead of materializing on our doorstep like the Blair Witch.
I've hardly had a wink of sleep.
You were snoring for six hours straight.
I do not snore.
It's like a walrus being fed through a wood chipper.
I'll see you later.
See you.
And stop worrying.
I'm not worrying.
Lock this door when I'm gone, yeah? Hello? Oh, I'm sorry love you've got the wrong number, I don't need a psychiatrist.
Well I've not called for one anyway.
Sorry? Charlie.
What say we let him beep some more while we go for a slow-motion replay? Don't get used to it, Heffner, that was a one off - we were celebrating.
Aww - The re-kindling of our love? Shut up, I'm close enough to puking as it is.
If I was celebrating anything it's you getting that sodding bailiff off my back.
Yeah.
Now will you get out there before he Oh.
Alright, alright - I'm going, I'm going.
Have you done us a packed lunch? And you're alright about all this? I wasn't at first, and then the way the doctor explained it to me, well I dunno.
I sort of well yeah, it suits me really.
I'm a very caring person.
Are you? Yeah! Course! And it doesn't involve much.
Just being on the end of a phone really.
And what do you think Dan'll say? He'll be alright.
He won't, will he? No.
No.
Now then Greg.
Hey! Alright? Here love, two more please.
Thanks lad.
Better make some room for it, eh? Never work with family.
Ahh he's cool is Charlie.
You reckon? You try it then.
Actually, why not? Why not what? You must have some bog-standard labour needs filling.
Get him off my back.
Yeah alright, sure I can find him something.
Aww mate! I owe you a pint! You already do.
More than one.
After everything I've done for you recently, you owe me a brewery.
What did you do? With the err What? The coke! Ah, is that what that meant? Jesus.
What did you think it meant? I was trying not to.
Well? Yeah, yeah.
It's sorted.
You got rid of it? Nothing to worry about.
Thanks, mate We're taking Barry and Sue out for welcome home drinks tomorrow, come with if you like? And that'll be us squits will it? I save you from a foreign jail and you invite me to a party.
It's not a party.
What's not a party? I didn't fire him, Mum! I found him something better.
Well, I don't know exactly what he'll be doing.
But it'll be better.
Yes.
He can still have his wages for the week.
Holiday pay? Fine.
And holiday pay.
What are you, his manager? Are we done? I'm freeeee, to do whatever I Whatever I choose and I'll sing the blues if I want.
I've done it, Lise.
I've lumped him off to Greg, poor sod.
Oh.
Hello.
No, its alright, you can lump who you like off onto Greg, it's nothing to do with me.
Erm as your here actually I've also, sort of invited him to drinks tomorrow night.
You don't mind do you? Of course she minds! No, it's fine, honestly.
You know we're all grown ups.
Me mum and dad are coming too.
Brilliant! Nice going! It's a party.
I thought you said it wasn't a party? Shall I book us all into the salon tomorrow then? Yes.
Hang on.
So there's four people coming - it's not a party? But add three more and suddenly you're booking time in a salon? Yes.
Yes.
It's hard being a woman isn't it? Finally he gets it! What's this? Right.
I'm gonna go.
I'll see you tomorrow.
See you love.
Bye.
Err Are you at all familiar with the concept of a "Support Network"? No.
I'm not.
Oh, that's a shame because this would be a lot easier if you were.
The psychiatrist who looks after Kate called me this morning, and she asked me to bob into her office And And? She sort of kind of asked me to be part of one.
No! It's not what you thinking, she not going to be popping round for tea and biscuits or owt like that.
It's just being there if she needs it really.
And it's good, if you think about it, cos you have been worried haven't you? And if we're involved if I'm involved in seeing that she's alright then things can get better.
For all of us.
How on earth did you let yourself get talked into this? I've no idea.
But it's something to do isn't it.
Who are you? Who are you? Where's Pauline? I don't know anyone called Pauline.
What you doing in her house, then? Are you the husband?! What if I am? The one that ran off with 'Babs'? Sorry.
Who are you? The other man in her life.
You what? I'm the bailiff.
Don't tell me she hasn't told you about me.
Cos she's certainly told me all about you.
Oh, aye, we've had a fair few heart to hearts through this here letterbox.
Apparently so.
And she's taken you back has she? Thought she had more sense.
And I thought you'd have more sense than to stick your face up against a letterbox when the bloke inside's carrying a spoon.
Fine.
Well you tell her she's had every chance, it's over now.
If she hasn't got the money by tonight then the next time I'll be accompanied by a police officer, a court order and a battering ram.
Have a nice day.
Chris is Have you just got changed? Hiya, Chris! Thanks again for doing this.
My pleasure, I'd never miss the chance to see a future England star in action.
Bianca tells me, you play just like a young Madonna, is it? Better! Come on then.
Chris! I was just wondering are you going to Lisa's party? I don't know anything about a party.
It's just a little gathering at the pub, I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you wanted to come.
I don't really know anyone yet.
You know me.
Oh.
Are you saying you'd like me to be your 'plus one'? I don't know about that! Yeah! As a thank you for all you're doing for Gary.
It's a date.
I can't thank you enough for letting me crash here.
Not a problem mate.
Never hurts to be in with the boss.
Still can't get over the size of that thing.
I always wanted one but Jane, you know.
Oh.
Sat here watching football at nine in the morning.
Seriously mate, have you any idea how good you've got it? Stick with me man and one day all this could be yours.
Bloody hell! Hello.
Hiya, Lisa! Don't mind me ringing do you? I was made up when Dr.
Edwards rang me this morning.
I can't thank you enough.
Hiya.
Hey, alright son? Erm what are you doing here? At nine in the morning? On a Saturday? Promised Sue we'd look in on you while they're away.
But they're back today.
I know, it were first chance we've had.
Just on our way back from hospital.
Nothing wrong I hope? I found a lump.
Oh, God.
Naw, it were nothing.
Turns out you're meant to have one.
It's funny, all these years and I'd never noticed before.
See it was right up inside I'll find Lisa.
Oh I'm sorry love, I can't this morning.
I'm already booked into the salon.
Oooh.
Oooh.
That's nice.
Anyway, I'm going to have to go now.
You must excuse her.
She's about to be sexually assaulted.
What are you doing? Your Uncle Terry and Auntie Margaret are here.
That was Kate! What? On the phone! That was Kate! You've just told a recently discharged psychiatric patient that I'm about to be sexually assaulted! There's my favourite niece! Come here you, you're lovely.
Hey, hey.
Oh What's up? Ah, it's the battery.
Haven't got any jump leads have you? Yeah I have but they're inside and I really don't want to go back in there again.
Where you going? Got a game.
Well if you don't mind a quick stop off on the way I'll drop you both down.
I don't want to put you out, just get me some cables.
Seriously.
I'm not going back in there.
OK.
Cheers.
Who was it? The postman.
Why, who you expecting? Nobody.
You usually abandon a shower for 'nobody'? No, I mean I was waiting for the post wasn't I? All them jobs I applied for.
What jobs? Just jobs.
Well unless they come with a final demand I don't reckon these are them.
And what have I told you about being nuddy during daylight? Haven't even had me brekkie yet.
Body of a thirty year old me.
In dog years.
How come you end up owing all this anyway? Don't worry about it.
The bills are my issue, I'll sort it.
Which is going to be a lot easier without that bailiff.
Yes, it was right up inside But you are alright now, though? So they're back today then? The old buggers.
We been trying to ring them.
Oh.
They don't answer the phone when they're abroad, they don't like paying for the incoming calls.
They've worked out an emergency system for us though, erm ring three times - hang up - count to three, ring again.
"Personality Disorder"? Barry leave this here did he? Can I have a look at that? Erm do you really think you should? Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to boot you out.
I'm meeting the girls down at the salon.
Oh aye? Night on the tiles is it? No just down the local, we're having a bit of a party.
A party? What for? Oh.
It's you.
Yes.
How's it going? Great.
Yourself? Grand, yeah.
Open the door, Dad.
Oh.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Can't be too careful.
Rough neighbourhood.
No it isn't.
Anyway I'm not stopping, just brought your wages for last week Plus holiday pay.
Ah, nice one cheers.
Where'd you get all that from? Keep your voice down.
Off your mate didn't I? Asked him for a week's advance, get me started.
You did what? That our Dan? Not a word to your Mum.
Why not? Well, it's still early days isn't it? Have you done something? Oh, it is you.
What are you doing? Nothing just Lisa not with you? No, her and the girls have gone down the salon.
Oh, I see! So they rock up tonight looking like a frigging Grammys' After Show.
Whilst muggins here is the last chuck in the window.
I'm the ugly mate.
Is that even a thing? Of course it's a thing, everyone knows that.
Oh, get out me way.
Nice seeing you anyway.
Right.
You can get a full wax here.
Everything.
You going for it? I stood on a plug this morning, that's my pain threshold for the day.
But Bianca? You need to look good for your first date tonight, don't you? It's not a date! I thought you said it was? Well.
Maybe I mean how can you tell? He said, "Its a date.
" What do you think that means? Depends how he said it.
Sort of all Geordie.
"It's a date, like.
" Well, admittedly, I've been out the game for quite a long time now.
But if I were to take a guess I would say that means it's a date.
How much did you say the full wax was again, Shelley? Anyway.
Weren't you supposed to be in Spain or something this week? Um.
Oh.
That.
No.
Well, yes we were.
But the dog, see? Alan.
Horrendous diarrhoea.
Me Mum was meant to pet-sit him but she sharp changed her mind.
Couldn't you have used kennels? You'd think wouldn't you? Offside! Free kick! Aye well, cheers for the lift again, hope we're not putting you out.
You didn't have to hang around, we could have taxi'd it back.
You're joking aren't you? Standing here talking block tackles and body swerves is the most normal conversation I've had in months! You beauty, good lad.
Right, come on, budge up.
Hiya.
What you doing here? Oh - this not Chessington World Of Adventures? Oh well, since I'm here.
Bleeding Ada - how much? I could do that one myself with some sellotape and a rolling pin.
Do not tell me which one she's looking at.
No.
Just me barnet then.
So what we talking about? First dates.
Bianca's got one.
Ooh, has she now? We've been giving her tips.
Only one thing you need to know, flower never, ever shag 'em on the first date.
Now that is a surprisingly good piece of advice, Pauline.
Yeah.
Always wait till you've got 'em home.
Oh, bloody hell.
Who let Rose West out? Hello.
Are- You- All right? Piggin hell, flower, she had a mental breakdown, she's not six.
Pauline! What? Just trying to spare her feelings.
It's fine.
And I'm fine, Denise, thanks for asking.
You're very welcome.
Lisa said she was coming so I just thought I'd pop down.
Actually I was a bit concerned because when you were on the phone I thought you said something about being sexually assaulted.
No I didn't.
Didn't you? Oh dear.
The telly was on.
That's what it was love.
What were you watching? I can't remember.
You can't remember? It was "Murder She Wrote", OK? Since I'm here I could have me hair done couldn't I? Good idea, love.
I wasn't going to say anything but is that one they gave you in there? Very institutional.
I didn't get me hair done in there.
Murder She Wrote? And there was a sexual assault in it? Yes, there was a bloody gangbang, alright? Why are you shouting at us? I don't know, love, I'm sorry.
I'm just a bit stressed out.
About the party? Party? Agh! Here we go.
Nicely, nicely.
Ahhh.
Hardly ever had take away at home.
Jane didn't like them.
You know.
You keep talking in the "then".
When you should be talking in the "now".
You what? You're having take away now.
You're watching morning telly Now.
We're going out for a few drinks tonight - Now.
Uh? Yeah.
It should always have been like this, shouldn't it? I was too young to be tied down.
Hardly got a chance to sow my wild oats.
I'd say you managed that.
Look, you were just following a biological imperative, that's all.
You what? Instinct.
Problem is, you were following the wrong one.
Ah, but what's the right one? This.
Yeah.
Fancy a beer? Nahh, it's a bit Yeah.
Yeah.
I do.
Alright.
Cheers.
Alright? What? Oh! The hair, yes - Very nice.
See? I noticed.
What? Promise you won't go mad.
Why? What have you done? Just promise.
Fine.
I promise.
You promised! Because I thought you were about to tell me you'd burned a hole in me shirt or something! Not that we're taking our ex stalker out for drinks! Yes.
"Ex".
Exs are exs for a reason you know? How'd you feel if I'd invited my ex girlfriend along? Which ex girlfriend? What? I don't know.
Any of them.
Oh! Had that many have you? Oh, let me guess, "Nicola Laymon"? Nicola? What are you bringing her up for? I didn't bring her up.
You brought her up.
No I didn't.
Yes you did.
You said you wanted to invite her to the party.
Oh, for god's sake.
Are you doing that thing where you try and replace one row with another? Might be.
Oh Look, Dan, I was on the spot.
She asked me.
What was I supposed to say? Why can't we ever have a normal life, eh? If people aren't trying to set us up as drug mules they're going all "Play Misty" on us.
She's not like that anymore, She wasn't herself.
And that whole thing about her murdering her husband Oh yeah! Well, it was nonsense.
It was chucked out of court.
And you know that.
She was just trying to make amends.
This is not about forgiving and forgetting.
It's just about moving forward, getting past it.
Hmmm.
Well it's on your head.
I want that establishing right now.
I'm banking all this for the next time you have a pop at me about something, then I'll be the one doing a row switch.
See how you like it.
You'll never pull it off love, it takes years of practice.
Oh come on, Dan, stop worrying - I don't want it to ruin tonight.
It's important this party.
Important? It's Barry and Sue coming back from holiday we're hardly flying banners are we? Ta-raaa! Well? What do you think? Had to give the barman a tenner to let us do that.
I gave you a twenty.
Did you? It's very err It's lovely.
Thank you so much.
It were our pleasure.
Hey, come here.
Oh Shelley.
Denise! Hello, love.
Are you alright? Hello, all! Right, Bianca? What do you fancy? Think we all know that.
Exactly how many faces are you putting on? Perfection takes time, smart arse.
And you want us to make an entrance, don't you? I'd rather have a sharp exit.
So they definitely know to come here, yes? You did that ring three times, hang up, ring three times thing? I couldn't remember the order.
But I did leave him a voicemail.
They'll be here.
Oh, reminds me.
If you speak to Chris.
The reason we didn't go on holiday is cos Alan had the shits.
What? Alan he had the shits.
That was your excuse? I had to think fast, mate.
That's brilliant.
I've just told Bianca I couldn't get any time off work.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's a bit better that one.
You reckon?! Ah well, doesn't look like they're in the mood to compare notes.
Look at them.
I'm made up for her.
She's had it so hard.
And he's lovely that Chris.
He's proper handsome too, isn't he? What? I don't know.
Acknowledging that another man is good-looking doesn't necessarily make you gay you know? Doesn't help.
Knobhead.
Do you think I'm handsome? Shut up.
Oh, I heard me Dad did that Hello Dan.
Oh! Yes! Hello Kate! Where's Lisa? Lisa! You alright? How are you? I'll just get Lisa.
Well? Yeah, yeah - OK - let's go.
"Yeah, yeah - OK - let's go"? Is that it? Four hours I've been up there getting ready.
I know that, light of my life.
I've been timing you.
Who's that? Argh! What you doing you nutter? Right About getting rid of that bailiff.
I may have exaggerated a little.
What do you mean by "a little"? I may have made the whole thing up a bit.
But I did it for you! So you'd be happy temporarily.
Oh you Window! You look really nice.
Our first date? I can't really remember to be honest.
But it's like the song says, "Its in his kiss".
I reckon you can really tell how it's going when you get them back to the front door and they give you a goodnight snog.
Kiss on the cheek? Thanks but no thanks, proper "Lets be friends" territory But full on the lips with just a gnat's whisker of tongue.
You're onto a winner, kid.
Shall I show you the difference? Barry's car! Barry's car! Should we shout "Surprise"? Shall we wait till they get in first? But should we shout it? No, let's avoid any sudden noises.
I know! We should shout "Surprise" in Italian! Why Italian? They've been in Spain.
Oh I don't know the Spanish for "Surprise".
Do you know the Italian? No.
It's "Sustantino" Oooh.
.
Say that again! What's crack-a-lackin? SURPRISE! Ohhh You ever clean under there? Oh, I'll whip out the fucking hoover shall I? Stick it on quiet mode.
I'm sorry.
Not as sorry as I am.
Being fool enough to trust you again.
You said you'd changed, but you're just the same lying, cheating little toe-rag you ever were.
In other words The man you fell in love with? The man I fell in love with was a liar, yes.
And he was a blagger and a fantasist and all the rest.
I used to want to throttle him, But you know what? I let it all go.
Cos despite that, despite all of it there was one little thing I was always sure of.
That he'd always protect me.
That he'd never let anything happen to me.
Cos that Charlie He was scared of nothing.
I think he's gone.
No he hasn't.
And he never will.
Charlie? Oi! Jobsworth! What do you reckon then, Dan? Do you think it makes me look like Clint Eastwood? "Make my day, punk.
" Never mind that! Where's me Mum? Look, there's no easy way to say this What? Where is she? What's happened? She's met someone else.
A waiter called Pablo.
What? It was funny! It wasn't funny.
That wasn't funny Barry.
I'm sorry love! But your Mum's fine.
So much so she's decided to stay on for an extra couple of weeks.
She's what? Sent me back to check on the house - and Alan of course.
How is Alan? She's staying another fortnight? She can't! I know you miss her love.
Miss her? I've got four cycles of laundry at home and a sink that's two bacteria short of evolving! Well, I'll be sure to pass that on.
I know how important your laundry is to her.
Dad! I didn't invite them.
They must have just come in for a drink.
It gets better and better doesn't it? Maybe Kim'll show up next with the Russian mafia.
I need another drink.
Having fun? Is it that obvious? Everyone else seems to be.
This was supposed to be for Mum.
Right.
Enough moping.
Let's show these kids how we kick it "old skool".
It's still daylight outside.
So? Say that thing! What thing? That thing! "Are you dancing?" "Are you asking?" "I'm asking.
" "Then I'm dancing.
" Come on.
You off? Yeah, can't relax, "Big Brother" and all that.
Right you are.
Not enough.
Well, it's gonna have to do.
Cos it's all you're getting.
End of.
If you can't give us the full amount then I'm legally entitled to take the equivalent value That TV for example.
You are not taking her TV.
Mr.
Johnson, with respect, how old are you? I could probably knock you over with my clipboard.
Try it.
Look, you've got enough now to sort out a payment plan for the rest.
How many weeks has it taken you to get into the bloody house, eh? You really want to keep coming back here? More conversations through the letterbox? This fella of yours, Pauline Not nearly as big a prick as you said he was.
Everybody's dancing! I've got two left feet.
You're a footballer! I was a footballer.
Well, sort of.
And surprisingly, dance moves were never part of the training regime.
I'd embarrass you.
I might embarrass you.
How about it then? How about what? You and me? I don't think so.
If you're looking for Greg, he's left.
Already? Why would he wanna? Was he on his own? Ah.
I couldn't say.
One dance.
Dad, what I said before It's alright love.
No.
It sounded like I just wanted Mum back to sort my house out.
You do, don't you? No.
Well, yes yeah I do but I just miss her.
I know, flower, believe me, I know.
I miss her too.
And I only left her this morning! Shall we have a dance? I'd be honoured.
What do you think you're doing? What's going on? Dan.
How dare you say something like that to me? Who do you think you are? Oh, come off it, you're not exactly prude of Britain, I'm sure you've heard worse.
I was trying to cheer you up.
Oh I know what you were trying to do, the same thing you were trying to do the other night.
You just Cos you can't help yourself, can you? We are done.
Consider this your termination.
Maybe you'd like to run that one by our boss? What did you mean the other night? Oh this isn't the first time he's tried it on with me.
In fact I'm not the first person he's tried it on with.
This is unbelievable! "Tried it on" - What are we? Teenagers? Come on, man, tell her.
No.
She's right.
It's not on.
You can't behave like that, not with people you work with.
Really? Somebody always gets hurt.
Thanks for that.
Because, naturally, you'd always be the first person I'd turn to for advice on office relations.
Yeah alright, steady on mate.
You're not a very nice person! No? Why not? What have I done? Sum it up for me.
Anyone? What about you? I'm sure you've got a take on it.
You're never very shy about coming forward.
I think you better leave, son.
You don't even know what this is about.
Would you like to? Jack please.
Not really.
Just go.
Can I hit him? No.
Please.
No.
You do know you're all completely mental, don't you? Seriously, what's the view like from up there on your high horses? Because from where I am standing all I see is simpletons cowards bimbos and sad, naive husbands whose wives keep chasing after something better then blame everyone else when they get it.
Oi! I don't care that you wanna tell lies about me or Shelley or god knows who else.
But to slag off my family and friends.
Who do you think you are? Ever since you moved in all you've done is mess with people's feelings.
So basically, what you're saying is there were feelings? Dan.
I've changed my mind.
Feel free.
Do you know what? He's not worth it.
But whatever Oh! Alright, Jack? Rude.
How did that feel? Good.
You've hurt your hand haven't you? Yeah, I really did.
I'm sorry again we had to leave early.
It's that bubbly wine, doesn't half knock me for seven.
It's fine.
Anyway, I think I've had enough excitement for one day.
Is it always like that round here? You get used to it.
Good.
Good.
Because I'm planning on hanging around.
I had a wonderful time.
Me too.
You did enjoy? Bianca, I don't want you to To what? Like I said, I'm going nowhere.
There'll be other times.
Will there? Goodnight, Bianca.
Chris? This was a date, wasn't it? Because, if it wasn't If I'm just being You're not.
You're not "Just being", Bianca.
I promise.
Stand back, stand back.
Watch this He is actually at rock bottom at the moment.
I don't think it's an act.
It's always an act.
You used to run a cake shop, didn't you? Maybe there's a skill-set there you might want to return to.
Hiya, Dan.
Do you want to buy an Easter cake? What do you think you're playing at? Getting plastered in the middle of the morning, eh? Charlie's fault.
Girlfriend not with you? Probably not had time to move in on her sister yet?