Mr. Mayor (2021) s02e07 Episode Script

1 Well, I just got ambushed about how much the I-Team is costing us.
Your I-Team experiment has run its course, sir.
James, on to your next consulting project Figuring out how few cashews you can put in a trail mix before customers get upset.
The answer is nine, but I do actually have some good news.
Is it about "Manifest" going to Netflix? My guys have been going through the budget, trimming the fat, eliminating obsolete programs.
Are you aware of how much the city still spends on telegram wire maintenance? I've heard that telegrams are making a comeback.
The kids call it "TG-ing" and they have made it filthy.
Point being, we've been able to build up a little slush fund for you that'll more than cover our fee.
Really? How much, like $5, 6 million? Closer to $90 million.
Hachi-machi! $90 million! You could buy a house for that much money.
You know, this is an opportunity for us to do something historic.
Something Lin-Manuel Miranda will write a musical about it.
- Wait, where are we? - I don't know.
I'm so excited, I just started walking.
This is indeed a rare opportunity, sir.
I've been in City Hall for three decades and the last time we had a budget surplus was that year we just straight up forgot to pay teachers.
Oh, yeah.
And I'm guessing you already know how we should spend it.
Not the diarrhea thing.
Come on.
It's an issue that touches all of us.
I know you remember last Halloween when Jayden brought in those sugar-free gummy bears.
Out of my way.
Out of my way.
I'm the mayor! Out of my way.
Don't you have a private bathroom? It's gone, Mikaela.
What do you mean it's gone? All right, boil that down to a three-page memo and I'll look it over, okay? You know how I keep an eye on what Jayden looks at online? In case he's planning to kill all of us? Right.
Well, he's been searching nothing but murder mysteries.
So he is either going to kill us or even worse, he's going to invite us to a murder mystery party.
Hey, guys.
I'm having a murder mystery party at my apartment tonight.
- Oh, I - Oh, I My therapist thinks that I need to start planning for a partnerless future and building a social life unrelated to dating.
My therapist also thinks that I need to invite people the day of so that they don't have time to make up an excuse because I'm too trusting.
- We'd love to come.
- Can't wait, buddy.
- Can I come too? - Oh.
I bought two beers the week we met just hoping this day would come.
- Murder mystery, huh? - Yeah, it's Western-themed so the omelets will be made accordingly.
You know, I just started seeing a woman, Adriana.
Gorgeous.
And we're really hitting it off, and I'm trying to break old habits.
Take things slow.
And your party is the least sexual thing happening in Los Angeles tonight.
- So you're coming? - Yeah.
With your gal pal? I know just what characters you guys will play.
Adriana can play the town doctor.
You will play the Civil War veteran.
And I'll play your wife.
No, Adriana and I are the couple, obviously.
Oh, okay.
If the mayor is going, I'm going.
We got $90 million to spend and after-hour schmoozing is always where the real sausage gets made.
Oh, we won't be making any sausage tonight.
The guy I get my meat from was arrested by the FDA.
Hey, Luis, we're having a murder mystery party at my apartment tonight.
- My therapist thinks it - Ow! Uh, my uh, my side.
I have to go.
Oh, no.
Good luck with your side, Luis.
Tommy, that was weird, right? I feel like I could say anything because this is monologue energy.
Exactly.
I said I'd go to Jayden's thing and then James just invites himself.
I mean the last time that we even spoke was me asking him out to which he said, "I can't".
But now he's, like, following me to the worst party in Los Angeles.
Maybe he's a sadness fetishist.
I wonder if I have time to go home and change.
Hey, Luis, can you cover my call today with the franchise tax board? Oh no, my leg.
It has become bad.
Ah.
Howdy, folks.
I'm Camarillo Jones, and I'm a man of few words.
But I do have to get through the rest of these intros and tell y'all don't open the closet.
There's a bat in there and he is not part of the game.
Yee-haw! That's Sally Slattern.
She keeps bar and she'll keep you warm at night in the brothel upstairs.
Okay, my bio says I'm just trying to earn enough money to move to Canada.
What? I'm not up for those winters.
Good luck, prostitute.
The Reverend Harlan is a preacher with one hand on the good book and his other hand in the collection plate.
Also, he seems to be looking at his arm for some reason.
Which is strange because wristwatches haven't been invented yet.
Was I not clear about the bowl, Thomas? Thank you.
Dr.
Eustace Princeton was a prominent doctor back east.
But why does he spend so much time in the graveyard at night? Thaddeus Cole.
I own the railroad.
I own this town.
They're gonna name a bunch of high schools after me until my role in the slave trade Thank you, Mr.
Cole! And you two, of course, are adult stable boy Enos Craven and his lovely wife, Colette.
Who knows that there's more to life than this marriage and is openly cuckolding Enos with Camarillo Jones.
I'm sorry.
Wait, what's that? It's just you said you wanted to play the couple, sir.
I lost my manhood in In the Civil War? - Is that literal or - It is.
Yeah, you visited my office and you said you were running away from the battle of Gettysburg, and it got bitten off by a dog.
Okay.
I don't like who I am.
Oh, what? There's been a murder! Yee-haw! Tumbleweed.
The sheriff has been found dead on the jailhouse floor with a blood-covered hammer next to him.
And one of us is the "moyderer.
" Each of you has a prompt on your bio card that tells you who to talk to first.
Alexa, play my old-timey saloon playlist.
Playing your old-timey saloon playlist.
Thank you.
How did you find a piano player small enough to fit in there? Are you stupid? Oh, you're in character.
Before I became a realtor, I did do a bit of acting.
Well, I'm Camarillo Jones, and I'm a man of few words.
So yep.
Well, Mr.
Jones, I'm supposed to interview you.
But why am I being so formal when you and I have made the beast with two backs? A camel? Oh, Camarillo Jones, you have awakened parts in me I thought died years ago.
Okay, this doesn't feel like part of the game.
Uh, sir, I'm supposed to talk to you.
It's getting late.
Should you be getting on home to your husband? What husband? - I really don't like this.
- Okay, well, then, look at your card and tell me if you did it so we can all get out of here.
What? Oh.
It just says that the night of the murder Enos was in the barn watching the pigs rut and touching his wound? Oh, come on! Wow.
You look gorgeous.
- Uh - No wonder you're the highest-paid hooker in town.
Oh, yes.
Thank you, Dr.
Princeton.
It's 5¢ a night.
I guess, with inflation.
So where were you last night when the sheriff was murdered? Okay.
Um I went straight home after buying a hammer at the general store.
Oh, snap, did I do it? Sally is layered.
As a medical doctor, I'd say you do have a murderer's skull shape.
But the face of an angel.
Oh.
Look this way.
- Oh, this way.
- Sorry.
My three-page diarrhea memo, sir.
Oh, you're done with that already.
It wasn't easy.
I had to cut the whole "about the author" section.
Oh, thank you.
I'll take a look at it in the morning.
- Why not read it now? - Arpi, I'm at a party.
A party where your date just pretended to get bitten by a rattlesnake so Jayden could suck the venom out.
It's also a party where I'm supposed to be totally illiterate.
So I can't read your memo.
Look, I get that diarrhea isn't flashy.
Except when there's glitter in it, which is quite common for craft store employees.
I don't want to be the diarrhea mayor, Arpi.
This money is a chance for us to do something big.
Forward-looking.
And cool.
Oh, my God.
You already know what you want to do with that money, and you're afraid to tell me.
That's right, because everything I want to do, you go out of your way to ruin.
You should be grateful I didn't let you organize a "men's march.
" For prostate health awareness! Well, the optics were not great.
You're not gonna ruin this idea for me, Arpi.
Because I'm not gonna tell you what it is.
Instead, I'll be playing "Fruit Ninja" on my phone.
Excuse me, sir, maybe you didn't hear before about the phone bowl.
And I don't hear you this time either, Jayden.
Well, now there's a real mystery afoot tonight.
How is the mayor planning to blow $90 million before I can stop him? No, the real mystery is what is up with James tonight.
Was that him flirting with me, or Dr.
Princeton? No, don't get distracted.
We have to solve the stupid murder so we can all go home.
Wendy Williams is on "Cordon" tonight, and I love not knowing how to feel about that.
Y'all want to know what I think the real mystery is? Who's had four hard ciders tonight when she promised the mirror she wouldn't drink? Shh.
Wink.
You feel that kickin'? That's our love child, Camarillo.
I'm a man of few words, so I don't know how to describe this feeling.
It's orange, maybe.
Colette, darling, do you have a moment for your simple-minded husband? He probably needs help bathrooming.
I'll leave you two alone.
I don't need It says on all our cards you do.
Hey, thank you for being such a good sport tonight.
I think we've put our time in.
And Takasugi will take us at 9:00.
Neil, I'm having fun.
I don't want to leave.
Y'all are just gonna have to bathroom on your own.
Maybe tie the sponge to a stick so you can reach.
Ms.
Shaw, did the mayor take any off-schedule meetings this afternoon? You know, after the $90 million bucks fell into his narrow, bony lap.
Well, off-schedule meetings are off-schedule for a reason, Arpi.
You help me, I'll help you figure out what James Sebastian Felix.
The mayor took a last-minute meeting today with Sebastian Felix.
The supermarket guy? The supermarket billionaire.
He invented cashiers saying, "Oh, I've tried that.
You're gonna love it.
" Okay, now my turn.
I need to figure out if Dr.
Princeton is flirting with women to try to get information as part of the game, or if James is flirting with me for reals.
Dr.
Princeton, good evening.
Mr.
Cole.
How do you do? Shoot.
I forgot that Arpi's a man.
You know, Doctor, I'm a widower.
Without my wife, it gets lonely in that big house.
So I want you to be my sugar baby.
Why didn't you remind me that your character is male? I'm wearing a top hat and a bolo tie.
That's your costume? I could have sworn you were those to work.
Hmm.
I could see me rocking it.
That might be me.
Beyonce's dropping some new Ivy Park today.
The theme is "crossing guard," and I've got to have that reflective safety vest.
Oh, this is James He's on Hinge? The magazine for hardware enthusiasts? I subscribe to that.
I don't have time to explain the world to you.
Tommy.
Where's Tommy? What did you say to him? To Enos? Nothing.
I'm talking about the mayor, James.
He had a secret meeting with Sebastian Felix this afternoon.
What cockamamie idea did you put in his big silver head? No idea, Arpi.
I swear.
I mean, I pitched him a high-speed rail to Vegas and then he said, "You got the high and the speed right," and then he laughed like he made a joke, but I did not have enough context to get it.
Hinge, Thomas! How does being on the apps line up with "I can't.
" Well, how could Dr.
Princeton had been lancing Enos's pustules at the same time he was electrocuting corpses? "I can't" is not the same as "I'm not interested" 'cause he was.
But being on the apps is not the same as "I can't.
" It's "I can and I am", right? - Honestly, what? - I don't know.
Look, I need to go talk to James.
Yes, perfect.
You go talk to James as Tommy.
Tell him how no one's ever replied to your messages on Grindr, not even the torsos.
No.
Not about that.
His alibi doesn't add up.
Mr.
Tomas, did the mayor give you any special assignments today? If Mayor Bremer asked me to do something, why would I tell you? Because you know what I know.
Because you know ♪ I'm all about that bass ♪ 'Bout that bass, no treble ♪ I'm all about the bass, ♪ 'bout the bass, no treble ♪ Oh, my God, please stop.
Earlier today the mayor asked me to look into eminent domain law.
I'd like to solve the mystery.
The mystery of what you think you're doing with that money.
It has come to my attention that you have city lawyers working up a brief on eminent domain law.
Is it a coincidence that the county just condemned four square blocks of downtown LA's historic Murder Hotel District? And do the words "high" and "fast" mean anything to you? You're gonna seize the Murder Hotel District so Sebastian Felix can put up one of his gentrifying bougie supermarkets, inevitably followed by shoddy highrises for yuppies while your real estate cronies laugh all the way to the bank.
Down with the patriarchy! Housing is a right.
Gentrify this! - Oh, no - No, Arpi.
Not the place.
Wrong! It's not highrises.
It's a space elevator.
It's the future of space travel and the first one's gonna be built in Los Angeles and I'll be the Space Mayor.
With the help of eccentric billionaire Sebastian Felix, I'm building a space elevator, okay? Alexa, turn off the living room lights! Okay.
- What - What are you doing? - It's for the game! - This is harassment.
No! We're not at work.
Alexa, turn on the living room lights! Okay.
There's been another murder! And it could have been any of us decent townsfolk.
Who among us good Christians hasn't prayed for the violent death of the town bicycle? Hey, Sally Slattern is a sex-positive trailblazer.
Corpses can't talk! Oh! We said the same thing! By climbing the graphene tether, the elevator will bring payloads into space for a fraction of the cost of conventional rockets.
A space elevator would revolutionize space exploration and research.
All while making a certain high school science teacher eat his words.
Now, who knows the most about science, Dr.
Wachtmeister? Oh, my God.
This is a real thing? Okay! So two people are dead and someone here is a murderer.
It's the mayor.
He's murdering common sense.
The technology for this thing doesn't even exist.
See? I knew you'd try to make it sound stupid.
"Sound"? It is stupid.
Okay, so this is the interrogation round.
Who do we want to ask questions to first? Well, I've sure got some questions for Dr.
Princeton.
Sally, you're dead.
Please shut up.
Take this seriously, corpse.
$6 billion dollars.
The estimated total cost of the space elevator is $6 billion dollars.
It's a moon shot, Arpi! A project like this creates new jobs, new revenue, new technology.
The Apollo program gave us Velcro.
Are you telling me that you would like to live in a world without Velcro? You leave my bag out of this.
Hey.
Are you okay? I don't even know why I bother.
This party turned out 100 times worse than a real murder.
Oh, don't say that.
My twin was murdered.
Yeah, and this is worse.
Okay, they're both bad.
I just wanted people to have a fun time tonight.
I did.
I had a great time.
Yeah, of course you did.
You're on a date with Neil Bremer.
You probably had the best time of your life.
Yeah, Neil's fine.
He's tall and he's so rich that he throws away umbrellas when he goes inside.
Wow.
But I like guys who don't take themselves so seriously.
You're just fun.
And I like having fun.
Also, and this is admittedly low on the list, what if someone farts on the space elevator? You ignore it.
Elevator rules.
We're not discussing this because I've already committed the funds.
Okay, can we just find the murderer and end this, please? And where did Jayden go? - And Adriana? - Okay.
You're all welcome in advance.
Get ready to go home.
The identity of the killer is obvious.
Isn't that right, Dr.
Eustace Princeton? Me? I'm the murderer? How is that Oh, there's stuff on the back.
- I didn't know there was a back.
- Dude.
Don't say who the killer is if you're wrong.
Who does that? Well, I'm not wrong about your mystery, James Aniobi.
Yeah, I figured it out.
- Figured what out? - Oh, my God.
What is up with you, James? You told me that you can't, but I saw your phone and you're on dating apps so it just It kind of feels like you can.
Well, tonight I realized that James is secretly Canadian! Yeah, he's looking for a green card marriage, but he knows you're not looking to get married.
No, I grew up in Atlanta.
No, you didn't because earlier tonight I heard you say "a-boot.
" I was talking about a cowboy boot.
- A boot.
- No seriously, where is Jayden and Adriana? Dagnabbit! Sir, just wanted to say I'm so sorry I cuckolded you last night.
Kwapis, Adriana, and I had been on a couple of dates.
That is all.
It's fine.
Not that I wasn't surprised when I went into the kitchen.
I mean, did she lift you up on the counter, or did you jump up there? It's all a blur, sir.
Well, I guess, despite my best efforts, I ended up playing the part of Enos Craven pretty well, didn't I? But there is a silver lining.
Oh, you saw my underwear.
Yeah, that's for odor.
No, no, Jayden.
If you can steal a girl from Neil Bremer, you might have to accept the fact that you're not gonna die alone.
- Get out.
- Oh.
Okay, so when COVID started, I'd been dating somebody for about three months, and, um, Paige and I Paige? She sounds white.
Sorry.
Go on.
It was like, are we just not gonna see each other for, what, maybe a year? Or are we just gonna move in together? So we moved in together.
- After three months? - It was too soon.
But by the time we were willing to admit that, we had a dog, an apartment neither of us could afford on our own, a shared iCloud account, and an unfinished 10,000-piece jigsaw puzzle.
And if you left and let her finish it, she'd win the breakup.
So we stopped dating.
But we had to keep living together.
And, um Last night, Paige went on a date for the first time.
And she has every right to meet someone.
It was just a bit of a surprise when Hinge showed up on my phone.
Shared iCloud account.
And, as you saw, she is getting a lot of matches.
Which is weirdly validating for me but I'm going through a lot now.
I get why you didn't want to be home last night.
I mean, what if she had sex on the bed - that you used to share - Mm-hmm.
And last night was not at all about me.
Well, maybe Maybe Dr.
Princeton was a way for me to talk to you again.
And not be that guy who said, "I can't," 'cause his life is kind of a mess, and I don't really want to bring someone into that mess.
Especially someone that I would someday like to ask out.
- You mean me, right? - I am talking about you, yes.
Okay.
So I take it you think that I am supposed to apologize to you.
I don't think anyone has to apologize to anyone, sir.
I reserve the right to my opinions.
But Los Angeles is building a space elevator so I'm doing research.
Oh, good.
I'm glad you're on my side, Arpi.
I didn't say that.
I would say we are at an impasse at best.
You've made it clear that you do not value my input, only my loyalty.
- Arpi - Fortunately for you, I'm very loyal to LA.
I want what's best for this city.
So I'm not gonna waste your time with infighting or gameswomanship.
However, terms end, Mr.
Mayor.
Yours ends in a year.
And then anyone can run against you.
Because I still think, more than ever, that we can do better.
Okay.
Evenin' Colette.
Why, Camarillo Jones, is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? In my pocket, ma'am? No, I keep it I don't know what this is! Oh, it looks like it came from space! Oh! It has lightnin' in it! Put it down, Camarillo Jones! - LAPD! - What was that? The Devil's fiddle? This is not our world, Camarillo! Where are we? My God.
- Come out with your hands up.
- We seem to have slipped through some sort of hole in time.
Then the real question is when are we?