Mulligan (2023) s02e07 Episode Script
Watergate Watergate
1
[upbeat music playing]
Welcome to the Watergate.
Tired of being dragged
from your tent at night
by Mole People or lemurs?
Then try indoor living.
Floors, ceilings, and oh, the walls.
It's got all the comforts
of pre-splody times living.
Minus all your loved ones.
Sign up now
for the Mulligan administration's
free housing lottery.
It's just a big old government giveaway
for lazy freeloaders like you.
Um, the listing said "no pets."
I'm not a pet.
I eat cats.
ALF got that right, I'll give them that.
Well, Axie, technically,
you're a prisoner of war.
And this is not
how we treat our prisoners.
If you wanna live in the lap of luxury,
I suggest you murder
a bunch of people in Sweden.
But I did. [groans]
Guys, the toilet won't flush,
and somebody went around the block
with that thing.
- Hey, there's no water, man.
- [handle squeaking]
What if there's
a suicidal baby in my apartment,
and I have to baptize it
before it goes to Hell?
Or what if I get thirsty?
Plumbing is hard, okay?
That's why "as easy as plumbing"
isn't a saying.
So we'd have to go all the way
to the Mall to use the public bathroom?
Just wait 'til Yelp hears about this.
and the girl at the counter
was very rude.
Yelp! Ruff! Yelp!
- [all grumbling]
- I can't believe it.
I hate to say
"I hate to say I told you so,"
because I love it.
This is what handouts lead to, sir.
Geez, I have a lot more respect
for realtors now.
- Almost zero.
- [Matty scoffs]
They'll be back.
I'm fixing the plumbing,
or my name isn't
- Satan! Satan did this!
- [dramatic music plays]
[theme music playing]
[playing piano]
- [chuckles] Sack whack!
- Ow. [chuckles] You got both.
What's going on over there?
Did you just hit your brother?
It's okay,
we're playing Sack Whack. [grunts]
- [laughs] Sweet whack.
- [Dr. Braun gasps]
Who would make up a game like that?
The president taught us.
- Sack whack, no whack back.
- Ooh!
[both chuckling]
Oh God, that's their friend Matt?
- [Matty chuckles]
- [Cooper grunts]
[glass shatters]
- [Matty] Watch this one. [grunts]
- [glass shatters]
You fools! We'll just make more.
[cackling]
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
- [animal roars]
- [all] Aah!
- [Matty] Go! Go!
- [all panting]
- This is the vice president speaking.
- Um, yeah, this is Mister E. Tmybutt.
Eldridge Tmybutt?
Of the Savannah Tmybutts?
By God, I'd know that voice anywhere.
[all laughing]
I used to worry about my ex
being a bad influence on the boys,
but Matty is even worse.
And Kevin was the kind of professor
who had his female students
nude-model for his art.
Which was poetry.
[TOD-209] Why would smart doctor
marry such a
Accessing slang database.
wang?
'Cause smarts has nothing to do with it.
It's chemical.
Sometimes you look at someone
and just know
you're gonna let them ruin your 20s.
- [whimsical music playing]
- [alarm beeping]
11:30.
Diet Coke break.
[can hisses open]
[seductive music playing]
Mmm. "The sight of lovers
feedeth those in love."
The Bard.
Mama like. [grunts]
For years, I had to deal with
Kevin's influence on the boys.
So much explaining
why nannies kept leaving.
But now they're taking their cues
from Matty Mulligan?
[TOD-209] Male role model important.
Like TOD with Roomba.
It wise.
Seen so much.
I just wish their role model
was someone kind and gentle and
soft.
Hello.
Oh, sorry, that doesn't make sense
without my puppet.
No, no, no, no! This is not happening.
Simon, what are you doing today?
Knitting a new best friend, I guess.
How'd you like to come
with me and the boys to the zoo?
I would be happy to,
now that I've overcome my zebraphobia.
Fear of zebras.
[curious music plays]
"No pets"!
What more can I do to fit in?
I even talk to myself in their language.
Hmm?
"Buggo"? In this day and age?
Is this thing supposed to be me?
No, he's one of Superman's enemies.
Superman?
He's like America's favorite hero.
He's an alien
who got superpowers from Earth's sun
An alien who is a hero?
Wait, you're an alien.
Do you have any superpowers here on Earth?
Would people love me if I did?
Totally! We've gotta test it out.
Well, I know I can't
light humans on fire with my mind,
because that, I've tried.
Simon, remember when you did
that sixth senses thing?
- The census.
- With that glasses lady.
- Dr. Braun.
- Were there any plumbers in there?
Huh.
Okay.
Aha! A plumber have I for you.
He lives in his old plumbing supply store
in Southeast.
Oh great. You can come with.
'Cause I can't remember addresses
and your time has no value.
Wow. I'd love to help, but I promised
to go to the zoo with Farrah and her boys.
Seriously?
Oh, dude, watch out.
Someone's looking for a stepdad
for those kids.
You think she has designs on me?
Are you saying this is a date?
[moans] No.
Now I'm gonna get all nervous
and forget how to talk.
What's a fun noise
I could make if I forget words? Gwee?
Dude, chill. Don't worry about the mom.
I dated a lot of divorced moms
in my teens, and it's all about the kids.
They like you, you're golden.
- I wanna be golden. Make me golden!
- Step one, big entrance.
Like on a jet ski or a motorcycle,
water-dependent.
Now, how are you at Sack Whack?
- [sharp crescendo]
- [dogs panting]
I hate going to places like this.
They always assume
I don't know anything about pipes
or how to change
a car's blood, or whatever,
so they jack up the price
and talk to me like I'm an idiot.
It's called "mansplaining," Luce.
I'll explain it to you later.
But don't worry about Frank here.
You know, I used to work construction
After you were kicked out of baseball
for being too good at it?
That is the story I told you, yes.
So then I had to hang drywall
for rich jag-offs
in their mansions in Brookline.
Always yelling at me
'cause I "ordered Pay-Per-View"
or "bullied their adult son Conan."
[chuckles]
- I can handle Frank the plumber.
- [dog barks]
[machine thuds]
Hey, you must be Frank.
Nationals suck.
Oh yeah? Whatever team you root for sucks.
What can I do for you folks?
I got a project, and I need a plumbing sub
to hook up a dozen apartments.
Sure, I could probably help you out
for a six-pack or one of them hugs
where you pat the other guy on the back.
I miss human contact.
Okay, well, our car is outside
- Hmm.
- [curious music plays]
Okay, I thought you looked familiar.
You're taller on the TV.
If anyone has seen my stage,
please return it, no questions asked!
Yeah, maybe I can squeeze you in later.
But what you're describing,
it's not gonna be cheap.
- What!
- Oh no. This is how they talk to me.
No, no, no. You're not gonna up-charge me
just because I'm president.
So take your business elsewhere.
But you're the only plumber on Earth.
Then I guess I hold all the cards.
Except we're playing UNO,
so having a lot of cards is bad.
Oh, is it?
Wild: Blue, Blue Draw Two.
Red Draw Two, Red Skip,
Yellow Skip, Yellow Reverse,
Wild Draw Four: Blue,
Blue Skip.
Uno!
Blue Seven.
Wow!
That was a hell of an imaginary UNO hand.
Oh, right. All the animals are gone.
But some might say
the most dangerous animal
is man.
Eh? Rawr.
I wanna go home and punch stuff.
- [sighs]
- [bike rattling]
Huh?
'Sup, little dudes? Big dudette.
Whoa! Oh! [moans]
Okay, well, I'm I'm glad you're here.
Oh, tell the boys what you told me
about the Egyptians domesticating the cat.
More like dumb-ass-ticating.
Lame. I'd rather do throwing.
- Sack whack!
- [grunts] Ow!
And so weird!
Hey, uh, check this out. Hmm!
[farts] Yee-oww!
- [sizzles]
- [moans, sighs]
Okay, this was a bad idea. Let's go, boys.
If you're good, I'll let you
stare at the broken TV for one hour.
I know where's animals gwee.
I I mean I know
where the pandas are live now,
- and I can take you to there.
- [boys gasp]
[determined music playing]
[Axatrax growling]
[groans]
[Jayson] Egh.
Ow! I already told you I'm not!
[dramatic music plays]
[curious music playing]
It worked. He can't see me.
[gasps, coughs]
Oh, hello. Sorry,
I just died there for a minute.
The trick is to go right up to the light
like you're gonna go through,
but then Huh-huh-ha!
Too slow! [laughs]
Dang.
How is talking to fish a superpower?
What would I even say?
Just try it, okay?
All right.
[muffled] So shall we? Aagh!
I don't think he understood me.
So what's wrong with your sink?
I don't know much about sinks,
but Mr. Turny is no make wet-wets.
Oh, all this is gonna have to come out.
Oh, here we go.
What? No, the pipes are fine.
We just need wet-wets.
And I'm gonna have to order
a part that don't exist.
I know what you're doing.
You make the job look impossible
so we get desperate,
and you can keep jacking up the price.
I get it. I'm one of you.
Are you kidding?
You pull up to my store in a limo.
You live in a mansion, wearing a tie,
and not making a new wife out of pipes.
Hang on. Do you think
I think I'm better than you?
Oh my God,
I've never been on the other side of that.
And I think I am.
I can't plumb, but I can president.
Can you? 'Cause everything's a mess.
The Mole People own the night.
And the moon
still doesn't have sunglasses,
despite your frequent promises.
The moon experts say it needs ears.
We've got no hospitals, no schools,
and this is the best
you could do for housing?!
I'd do a better job than you.
At least the water would work.
A plumber president?
What's next, a peanut farmer? [laughs]
Or a failed minor league baseball player.
I mean, come on.
If you want your pipes fixed, pal,
you better start showing some respect.
Never.
I think I just figured out
how much this job will cost.
I will fix the water for the small sum of
- I'm president now.
- [dramatic sting]
And I still want that hug.
That's insane.
Matty was, well, not elected,
but everyone cheered.
I mean, everyone who was there.
A lot of whom later said
they couldn't hear that well
Thank you, Lucy.
And we don't need your help, Mr. Plumber.
Why don't you go find the Super Leaf
and turn into a flying raccoon?
Suit yourself.
I just hope your plumbing problem
doesn't get worse.
Oh, thank you.
That's a nice note to end on.
I appreciate that.
Check it out, little dudes.
Those clouds look like farts.
[Dr. Braun] Right.
So how do you know
there's a panda in Rock Creek Park?
A lot of wicked cool zoo animals
live out here now.
I like to come to the woods
and do a graffito
to celebrate the Boston team.
I drink a whiskey drink.
I drink a vodka drink.
I drink a lager drink
Yeah, weren't you here
because you were looking for a pen store
and got kidnapped by apes?
Uh, wall jump. [pants]
Red Sox graffiti.
And when in doubt, wall jump.
[Simon] Ooh! [thuds]
[Simon groans]
- What is wrong with you?
- I think my kidney exploded.
No, why are you
acting like such a jackass?
How did that become an insult?
The jackass basically built
the transcontinental railroad.
Yes, that guy!
That's the guy
I invited to come to the zoo with us.
Matty said the boys would like this guy.
Instead of stealing his Japanese erasers,
then using them as erasers.
They're collectibles.
If the boys liked this guy,
then maybe you'd like this guy.
Oh Lord.
You think this is some kind of date?
And you took advice from Matty?
Simon, I invited you
because you're the opposite of him.
I wanted to show my sons
that men can also be neurotic,
sexless, self-loathing nerds.
Yep, that makes more sense.
Wish I'd known that
before I got this tattoo.
Simon, we've been through this
a couple of times.
On paper, sure, we make sense.
But you can't bang paper.
Wait, where are the boys?
[Simon] Yeah, they should see this.
There are some
really cool animal tracks here.
Looks like a big cat.
Several. And they're dragging something.
Two things.
- [gasps]
- [Simon] Mmm.
At least Matty didn't get my kids
kidnapped by wild animals.
- [Simon] Technically, born in captivity
- Read the room, Simon!
[Matty] Pfft. Stupid plumber.
I've done stuff. Right, board?
[dramatic music plays]
Dammit, that would've been
such an easy one.
I can't flush my toilet!
Not that I need to.
I'm a girl, and we don't do that.
But what if we have guests?
Well, that was the worst bath
I've ever given Mother.
The water's out.
I had to leave her all soaped up
in an empty tub.
You didn't fill the tub first?
I'm sorry, I didn't see the sign outside
that said "Mommy Bathing Lessons."
There's no water in the whole durn city.
What in hellfire happened?
Well, it's hard to be sure,
but I was mean
to the world's only plumber,
and he basically said he'd do this.
Or maybe you're remembering wrong
that there ever was water. So
That is the stupidest presidenting
I've ever done seen,
and I once watched
Gerald Ford drink a lit candle.
- Fix this.
- [Matty groans]
[whimsical music playing]
[Axatrax grunts]
- Are you okay?
- I am far from okay.
[Axatrax sighs]
I'm no Superman.
Or Supergirl.
Or even Krypto the Superdog.
Let alone Beppo the Supermonkey,
Comet the Superhorse,
or Streaky the Supercat.
Look it up.
I'm just a big bug.
And people on this planet
will never love me.
Hey, come on.
You don't need powers to be a hero.
You just have to do hero stuff.
Like Batman. He doesn't have powers.
He just talks deeper and punches people.
- Really?
- Yeah.
He's just a normal trillionaire
whose parents got murdered.
Well, then I guess you're just
a trillion dollars away from being Batman.
Because, you know,
I murdered your parents.
Unfortunately,
my parents are alive and deeply in love.
[Jayson] Mmm.
- [tiger growls]
- [curious music playing]
[whispers] Dammit, Simon.
[boys whimpering]
- [animals grumbling]
- [tiger sniffing]
I blame myself.
I should just
build them a stepdad out of pipes.
But this interspecies socialization
completely subverts
traditional predator-prey relationships.
It's a marvel of adaptation.
I know I invited you here to suck,
but now is not the time.
I've gotta go save my boys.
Is that poison?
You just carry that around with you?
Must be nice to be a man.
Farrah, there are too many of them.
But if these animals
have built a hierarchy,
I just need to figure out
which one is the alpha.
I assume it's the tiger.
[tiger growls]
- [Cooper] Whoa! Oh!
- [bear roars]
Okay, it's the bear.
I've got this.
[dramatic music plays]
[raspily] We need water, man.
Without my lemon tea,
this is what I sing like.
I can't go back to drinking Dasani!
The third ingredient is chicken runoff!
And I'm vegan now! Ugh!
Look, guys, we've got a plan.
Well, it better work. They're burning
an effigy of you out there.
- [citizens yelling]
- Hey, put that out!
With what?
Ha! Ya burnt.
In effigy.
[Frank] Oh, hello.
You called for a plumber?
If you're busy, I can come back.
I have an opening next May.
No, no, no, please [chuckles]Mr. Frank.
Welcome to the White House.
We're a little low
on souvenirs for our guests these days,
but how'd you like
a Paw Patrol DVD signed by George W. Bush?
And that's not all.
The president wants to show you
the respect you deserve.
Right, Matty?
Whereas you deserve it or whatever,
I hereby, I guess, bestow, y'know, this.
Pshh.
You think some dumb medal
is gonna get me to turn the water back on?
Well, yes.
Power-hungry sociopaths
have always been mollified
by receiving
the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
It's how we got Carol Channing
to tell us where Bin Laden was.
If it doesn't satisfy you
to receive the MOF,
short for "Presidential Medal Of Freedom,"
the "P" is silent, as "P"s often are,
saying "MOF" just saves time,
then what will?
Look, I already told that guy
exactly what I want.
[Matty laughs]
Oh, you're gonna love this.
He said he'll fix the water
if I step aside and we make him President.
[laughs hysterically]
Like he could ever
And you guys would agree to
And then me just [continues laughing]
Why is no one laughing with me?
Sir, obviously this is
an unfortunate situation,
slippery as a
And circumstances might be
limiting my similes,
but a soapy mommy.
You're actually considering this?
Look, I wish we'd never given people water
in the first place,
but it's nigh impossible
for the government to take back a service.
Look at Social Security.
Or condoms "for her pleasure."
Who's that for?
Lucy, you know we can't do this, right?
Matty, we do need water.
If TOD doesn't rinse out his brain tank,
do you know how stanky it gets?
So insanely stanky.
Oh my God.
U2.
The band.
Remember when they made our phones
download that album?
Well, that's how I feel right now.
Betrayed and so confused.
So I guess that's that.
Ex-President Mulligan.
Maybe I'll go write my memoir.
Hope you like
being described in books as fat choads!
[Frank] Look at that.
Now I'm the big shot living in the mansion
with the hot wife and the butler.
- Sir, I am no man's
- That's not
Yeah, that's not gonna
get your water turned on any faster.
- Yes, darling.
- Very good, sir.
[bear growls]
[dramatic music playing]
[grumbles]
[dramatic music building]
[music halts]
[whispers] What are you doing?
Demonstrating my submissiveness.
[animals sniffing]
I am not a reproductive
or physical threat.
In fact [slurps]
I'm a widdle kitty.
Meow, meow, meow.
[grunting softly] What's this guy's deal?!
Okay, I've got the boys.
I'm now presenting to the alpha.
[whimsical music plays]
[seductive music playing]
[Dr. Braun] Yes.
Yes, you are.
[animals grumble]
I think it's working.
- [snake hisses]
- Oh yeah. It's working.
But why?
What is wrong with me?
[animals grumble, screech]
[Axatrax groans]
Hmm? [gasps]
A robbery.
My chance to be a hero.
Now, what would that rich orphan do?
[dramatic music playing]
There's a reckoning coming
to this city. [grunting]
Axatrax?
[chuckling] Dude, you're so weak.
[sniffs] And you smell
like crocodile anus.
[scoffs] What are you doing here?
Where else am I gonna live, the sewer?
And constantly be reminded of plumbing?
I guess we're both
having rough nights. [sighs]
Should we bond?
Maybe on the roof,
like in your The Aristocats?
I only wanted to be, you know, special.
I was special.
I had the mansion,
the butler, the hot wife
But my friends made Frank president,
just 'cause I'm a bad president.
Don't say that.
Remember when you threw that grenade
and killed everyone I work with?
That was presidential.
Ugh, that was forever ago.
Maybe they were right to get rid of me.
I'm no leader. I just make things worse.
Like concussions do.
Or concussions.
Or that green stuff people put in food.
What's that stuff called?
- Parsley?
- No, no, no, you can eat around that.
This stuff makes everything else
taste like it.
It's, um Gah, what's that word?
Buhh
Vvvvvuuhh
Okay, this is excruciating.
I'll just go in and get it.
Huh? What are you do
[dramatic swell]
[Matty 1] Bronson Arroyo. Jason Varitek.
[Matty 2]
Get the meat stick at Santarpio's
[Matty 3] You don't pronounce
the "H" in "Thailand."
[Matty 4] Dogs like it when you pet them.
Jay, Jay, this fish is a monster!
Up, up, down, down,
left, right, left, right, B, A
If you put a chair in a parking spot,
that's your parking spot.
Ugh! Oh my God, pal, I hate dill.
[Matty grunts] Huh.
Dill. You were thinking of dill, Matty.
Jesus.
How did you do that?
It was just a mind-meld.
On Cardi-B, we use it
to trash what other Cardibeans are wearing
behind their backs.
Oh, and to solve murders.
Dude, you have got psychic powers.
It's like that guidance counselor
who told me I wouldn't amount to anything.
Here on Earth, that's a superpower.
Yar, it is.
And it might just be
how we turn the water back on
and save Earth from President Frank.
- I'm gonna need a cape.
- [heroic music plays]
- [Cooper laughs] That was awesome.
- [Carter laughs] I wanna be submissive.
I hope we can still be friends
after that display. I mean,
I know there's definitely no way you could
ever see me as a romantic partner now.
Remember when that embarrassed wolf
pulled my pants back up for me?
Yeah, right?
I mean, someone would have to
have been deeply messed up
by their sex therapist parents
to somehow be attracted to that.
- [Simon laughs] Yeah.
- [Dr. Braun chuckles]
Ah! A bird!
- Not again! Stop pecking me!
- [bird chirping]
- [seductive music playing]
- What is happening?
- [knocks on door]
- [Axatrax in feminine voice] It's Lucy.
You up, Frankie-feces?
- Frankie-poo.
- How is that better?
So you changed your mind
about that nightcap, huh?
- [seductive music plays]
- [Frank whistles] Oh, baby.
You got more curves
than a bunch of toilet pipes.
- You made one mistake.
- Uno!
You looked into the eyes of Mind-Meld Man.
And his sidekick, Wig-Finder.
I found the wig.
- [Frank gasps]
- [dramatic swell]
[ethereal music playing]
[music building]
[dramatic swell]
- [Matty slurps]
- [Frank] Guh!
I did it.
I scoured his brain,
and I now know everything there is to know
about Earth plumbing.
Also, I've now seen every episode
of The King of Queens.
Wait, what did you do?
Hey, Luce.
Who's got one thumb,
one surgically-grafted-on big toe,
finds wigs, and deserves to be president?
This guy!
But we all agreed on a plan.
Yeah. I realized
I could turn the tables on Frank.
'Cause guys like that
love to talk down to me, right?
[Matty] Yeah, it's called mansplaining.
We discussed this, silly.
[Lucy] So I just let him dazzle me
with all of his plumbing secrets.
I let him talk and talk, and he assumed
I wouldn't understand any of it.
And I didn't.
[LaMarr] But I know
where all the micromaphones are.
Even the ones Clinton put in the toilets.
Not the bathrooms, mind you.
The toilets.
That was the plan. Remember?
Um, yes.
Oh, I'm gonna make them
look like jerks in my memoir.
And I'll call it!
Ah, it's so hard! I'm not doing it!
What?
Sir, we are not about to stand idly by
while that usurper surps you.
- [scoffs] Whatever.
- So here's the plan. I'll just let him
[Matty] Do not cry
in front of them, Matthew.
You think happy thoughts.
You're walking in, like, a meadow.
And the grass is
Wait, that's not grass.
Ew! It's dill. Who planted this?
Oh, get me out of this meadow.
God, I hate
Wait, what's the word
for this stuff again?
Oh, I just said it.
All you have to do is stay away
for a couple hours. Got it?
Sure, whatever.
I'm just gonna go live in the sewer.
So you guys
didn't just let Frank kick me out?
Which I knew already,
you know, 'cause I was totally listening.
Of course not.
We're the Three Musketeers.
I'm nougat, you're chocolate,
and LaMarr is
Huh. There's only two ingredients.
So why is it called?
Well, the good news is
everything worked out for everyone.
Worged ow frebbywun. Gwee! [gibberish]
Oh boy.
Yeah, never gone that deep
in a human's brain before.
I just kept laughing at Jerry Stiller.
Honestly, I didn't wanna leave.
[all laughing]
Goo-goo-goo am Frank!
You sure am.
[announcer] Next week on The Adventures
of Mind-Meld Man and Wig-Finder
- [Axatrax] Mmm. [grunts]
- [tools clanking]
Okay, try it now.
[sharp sting]
- It works!
- Yeah, you had a busted lap joint flange.
[sharp sting]
- [upbeat music playing]
- No wigs here, Mind-Meld Man.
[sharp sting]
[announcer] Mind-Meld Man and Wig-Finder
is brought to you by The Dill Council.
"Dill. Because they're
out of plain cream cheese."
[whimsical music playing]
[music fades]
[upbeat music playing]
Welcome to the Watergate.
Tired of being dragged
from your tent at night
by Mole People or lemurs?
Then try indoor living.
Floors, ceilings, and oh, the walls.
It's got all the comforts
of pre-splody times living.
Minus all your loved ones.
Sign up now
for the Mulligan administration's
free housing lottery.
It's just a big old government giveaway
for lazy freeloaders like you.
Um, the listing said "no pets."
I'm not a pet.
I eat cats.
ALF got that right, I'll give them that.
Well, Axie, technically,
you're a prisoner of war.
And this is not
how we treat our prisoners.
If you wanna live in the lap of luxury,
I suggest you murder
a bunch of people in Sweden.
But I did. [groans]
Guys, the toilet won't flush,
and somebody went around the block
with that thing.
- Hey, there's no water, man.
- [handle squeaking]
What if there's
a suicidal baby in my apartment,
and I have to baptize it
before it goes to Hell?
Or what if I get thirsty?
Plumbing is hard, okay?
That's why "as easy as plumbing"
isn't a saying.
So we'd have to go all the way
to the Mall to use the public bathroom?
Just wait 'til Yelp hears about this.
and the girl at the counter
was very rude.
Yelp! Ruff! Yelp!
- [all grumbling]
- I can't believe it.
I hate to say
"I hate to say I told you so,"
because I love it.
This is what handouts lead to, sir.
Geez, I have a lot more respect
for realtors now.
- Almost zero.
- [Matty scoffs]
They'll be back.
I'm fixing the plumbing,
or my name isn't
- Satan! Satan did this!
- [dramatic music plays]
[theme music playing]
[playing piano]
- [chuckles] Sack whack!
- Ow. [chuckles] You got both.
What's going on over there?
Did you just hit your brother?
It's okay,
we're playing Sack Whack. [grunts]
- [laughs] Sweet whack.
- [Dr. Braun gasps]
Who would make up a game like that?
The president taught us.
- Sack whack, no whack back.
- Ooh!
[both chuckling]
Oh God, that's their friend Matt?
- [Matty chuckles]
- [Cooper grunts]
[glass shatters]
- [Matty] Watch this one. [grunts]
- [glass shatters]
You fools! We'll just make more.
[cackling]
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
- [animal roars]
- [all] Aah!
- [Matty] Go! Go!
- [all panting]
- This is the vice president speaking.
- Um, yeah, this is Mister E. Tmybutt.
Eldridge Tmybutt?
Of the Savannah Tmybutts?
By God, I'd know that voice anywhere.
[all laughing]
I used to worry about my ex
being a bad influence on the boys,
but Matty is even worse.
And Kevin was the kind of professor
who had his female students
nude-model for his art.
Which was poetry.
[TOD-209] Why would smart doctor
marry such a
Accessing slang database.
wang?
'Cause smarts has nothing to do with it.
It's chemical.
Sometimes you look at someone
and just know
you're gonna let them ruin your 20s.
- [whimsical music playing]
- [alarm beeping]
11:30.
Diet Coke break.
[can hisses open]
[seductive music playing]
Mmm. "The sight of lovers
feedeth those in love."
The Bard.
Mama like. [grunts]
For years, I had to deal with
Kevin's influence on the boys.
So much explaining
why nannies kept leaving.
But now they're taking their cues
from Matty Mulligan?
[TOD-209] Male role model important.
Like TOD with Roomba.
It wise.
Seen so much.
I just wish their role model
was someone kind and gentle and
soft.
Hello.
Oh, sorry, that doesn't make sense
without my puppet.
No, no, no, no! This is not happening.
Simon, what are you doing today?
Knitting a new best friend, I guess.
How'd you like to come
with me and the boys to the zoo?
I would be happy to,
now that I've overcome my zebraphobia.
Fear of zebras.
[curious music plays]
"No pets"!
What more can I do to fit in?
I even talk to myself in their language.
Hmm?
"Buggo"? In this day and age?
Is this thing supposed to be me?
No, he's one of Superman's enemies.
Superman?
He's like America's favorite hero.
He's an alien
who got superpowers from Earth's sun
An alien who is a hero?
Wait, you're an alien.
Do you have any superpowers here on Earth?
Would people love me if I did?
Totally! We've gotta test it out.
Well, I know I can't
light humans on fire with my mind,
because that, I've tried.
Simon, remember when you did
that sixth senses thing?
- The census.
- With that glasses lady.
- Dr. Braun.
- Were there any plumbers in there?
Huh.
Okay.
Aha! A plumber have I for you.
He lives in his old plumbing supply store
in Southeast.
Oh great. You can come with.
'Cause I can't remember addresses
and your time has no value.
Wow. I'd love to help, but I promised
to go to the zoo with Farrah and her boys.
Seriously?
Oh, dude, watch out.
Someone's looking for a stepdad
for those kids.
You think she has designs on me?
Are you saying this is a date?
[moans] No.
Now I'm gonna get all nervous
and forget how to talk.
What's a fun noise
I could make if I forget words? Gwee?
Dude, chill. Don't worry about the mom.
I dated a lot of divorced moms
in my teens, and it's all about the kids.
They like you, you're golden.
- I wanna be golden. Make me golden!
- Step one, big entrance.
Like on a jet ski or a motorcycle,
water-dependent.
Now, how are you at Sack Whack?
- [sharp crescendo]
- [dogs panting]
I hate going to places like this.
They always assume
I don't know anything about pipes
or how to change
a car's blood, or whatever,
so they jack up the price
and talk to me like I'm an idiot.
It's called "mansplaining," Luce.
I'll explain it to you later.
But don't worry about Frank here.
You know, I used to work construction
After you were kicked out of baseball
for being too good at it?
That is the story I told you, yes.
So then I had to hang drywall
for rich jag-offs
in their mansions in Brookline.
Always yelling at me
'cause I "ordered Pay-Per-View"
or "bullied their adult son Conan."
[chuckles]
- I can handle Frank the plumber.
- [dog barks]
[machine thuds]
Hey, you must be Frank.
Nationals suck.
Oh yeah? Whatever team you root for sucks.
What can I do for you folks?
I got a project, and I need a plumbing sub
to hook up a dozen apartments.
Sure, I could probably help you out
for a six-pack or one of them hugs
where you pat the other guy on the back.
I miss human contact.
Okay, well, our car is outside
- Hmm.
- [curious music plays]
Okay, I thought you looked familiar.
You're taller on the TV.
If anyone has seen my stage,
please return it, no questions asked!
Yeah, maybe I can squeeze you in later.
But what you're describing,
it's not gonna be cheap.
- What!
- Oh no. This is how they talk to me.
No, no, no. You're not gonna up-charge me
just because I'm president.
So take your business elsewhere.
But you're the only plumber on Earth.
Then I guess I hold all the cards.
Except we're playing UNO,
so having a lot of cards is bad.
Oh, is it?
Wild: Blue, Blue Draw Two.
Red Draw Two, Red Skip,
Yellow Skip, Yellow Reverse,
Wild Draw Four: Blue,
Blue Skip.
Uno!
Blue Seven.
Wow!
That was a hell of an imaginary UNO hand.
Oh, right. All the animals are gone.
But some might say
the most dangerous animal
is man.
Eh? Rawr.
I wanna go home and punch stuff.
- [sighs]
- [bike rattling]
Huh?
'Sup, little dudes? Big dudette.
Whoa! Oh! [moans]
Okay, well, I'm I'm glad you're here.
Oh, tell the boys what you told me
about the Egyptians domesticating the cat.
More like dumb-ass-ticating.
Lame. I'd rather do throwing.
- Sack whack!
- [grunts] Ow!
And so weird!
Hey, uh, check this out. Hmm!
[farts] Yee-oww!
- [sizzles]
- [moans, sighs]
Okay, this was a bad idea. Let's go, boys.
If you're good, I'll let you
stare at the broken TV for one hour.
I know where's animals gwee.
I I mean I know
where the pandas are live now,
- and I can take you to there.
- [boys gasp]
[determined music playing]
[Axatrax growling]
[groans]
[Jayson] Egh.
Ow! I already told you I'm not!
[dramatic music plays]
[curious music playing]
It worked. He can't see me.
[gasps, coughs]
Oh, hello. Sorry,
I just died there for a minute.
The trick is to go right up to the light
like you're gonna go through,
but then Huh-huh-ha!
Too slow! [laughs]
Dang.
How is talking to fish a superpower?
What would I even say?
Just try it, okay?
All right.
[muffled] So shall we? Aagh!
I don't think he understood me.
So what's wrong with your sink?
I don't know much about sinks,
but Mr. Turny is no make wet-wets.
Oh, all this is gonna have to come out.
Oh, here we go.
What? No, the pipes are fine.
We just need wet-wets.
And I'm gonna have to order
a part that don't exist.
I know what you're doing.
You make the job look impossible
so we get desperate,
and you can keep jacking up the price.
I get it. I'm one of you.
Are you kidding?
You pull up to my store in a limo.
You live in a mansion, wearing a tie,
and not making a new wife out of pipes.
Hang on. Do you think
I think I'm better than you?
Oh my God,
I've never been on the other side of that.
And I think I am.
I can't plumb, but I can president.
Can you? 'Cause everything's a mess.
The Mole People own the night.
And the moon
still doesn't have sunglasses,
despite your frequent promises.
The moon experts say it needs ears.
We've got no hospitals, no schools,
and this is the best
you could do for housing?!
I'd do a better job than you.
At least the water would work.
A plumber president?
What's next, a peanut farmer? [laughs]
Or a failed minor league baseball player.
I mean, come on.
If you want your pipes fixed, pal,
you better start showing some respect.
Never.
I think I just figured out
how much this job will cost.
I will fix the water for the small sum of
- I'm president now.
- [dramatic sting]
And I still want that hug.
That's insane.
Matty was, well, not elected,
but everyone cheered.
I mean, everyone who was there.
A lot of whom later said
they couldn't hear that well
Thank you, Lucy.
And we don't need your help, Mr. Plumber.
Why don't you go find the Super Leaf
and turn into a flying raccoon?
Suit yourself.
I just hope your plumbing problem
doesn't get worse.
Oh, thank you.
That's a nice note to end on.
I appreciate that.
Check it out, little dudes.
Those clouds look like farts.
[Dr. Braun] Right.
So how do you know
there's a panda in Rock Creek Park?
A lot of wicked cool zoo animals
live out here now.
I like to come to the woods
and do a graffito
to celebrate the Boston team.
I drink a whiskey drink.
I drink a vodka drink.
I drink a lager drink
Yeah, weren't you here
because you were looking for a pen store
and got kidnapped by apes?
Uh, wall jump. [pants]
Red Sox graffiti.
And when in doubt, wall jump.
[Simon] Ooh! [thuds]
[Simon groans]
- What is wrong with you?
- I think my kidney exploded.
No, why are you
acting like such a jackass?
How did that become an insult?
The jackass basically built
the transcontinental railroad.
Yes, that guy!
That's the guy
I invited to come to the zoo with us.
Matty said the boys would like this guy.
Instead of stealing his Japanese erasers,
then using them as erasers.
They're collectibles.
If the boys liked this guy,
then maybe you'd like this guy.
Oh Lord.
You think this is some kind of date?
And you took advice from Matty?
Simon, I invited you
because you're the opposite of him.
I wanted to show my sons
that men can also be neurotic,
sexless, self-loathing nerds.
Yep, that makes more sense.
Wish I'd known that
before I got this tattoo.
Simon, we've been through this
a couple of times.
On paper, sure, we make sense.
But you can't bang paper.
Wait, where are the boys?
[Simon] Yeah, they should see this.
There are some
really cool animal tracks here.
Looks like a big cat.
Several. And they're dragging something.
Two things.
- [gasps]
- [Simon] Mmm.
At least Matty didn't get my kids
kidnapped by wild animals.
- [Simon] Technically, born in captivity
- Read the room, Simon!
[Matty] Pfft. Stupid plumber.
I've done stuff. Right, board?
[dramatic music plays]
Dammit, that would've been
such an easy one.
I can't flush my toilet!
Not that I need to.
I'm a girl, and we don't do that.
But what if we have guests?
Well, that was the worst bath
I've ever given Mother.
The water's out.
I had to leave her all soaped up
in an empty tub.
You didn't fill the tub first?
I'm sorry, I didn't see the sign outside
that said "Mommy Bathing Lessons."
There's no water in the whole durn city.
What in hellfire happened?
Well, it's hard to be sure,
but I was mean
to the world's only plumber,
and he basically said he'd do this.
Or maybe you're remembering wrong
that there ever was water. So
That is the stupidest presidenting
I've ever done seen,
and I once watched
Gerald Ford drink a lit candle.
- Fix this.
- [Matty groans]
[whimsical music playing]
[Axatrax grunts]
- Are you okay?
- I am far from okay.
[Axatrax sighs]
I'm no Superman.
Or Supergirl.
Or even Krypto the Superdog.
Let alone Beppo the Supermonkey,
Comet the Superhorse,
or Streaky the Supercat.
Look it up.
I'm just a big bug.
And people on this planet
will never love me.
Hey, come on.
You don't need powers to be a hero.
You just have to do hero stuff.
Like Batman. He doesn't have powers.
He just talks deeper and punches people.
- Really?
- Yeah.
He's just a normal trillionaire
whose parents got murdered.
Well, then I guess you're just
a trillion dollars away from being Batman.
Because, you know,
I murdered your parents.
Unfortunately,
my parents are alive and deeply in love.
[Jayson] Mmm.
- [tiger growls]
- [curious music playing]
[whispers] Dammit, Simon.
[boys whimpering]
- [animals grumbling]
- [tiger sniffing]
I blame myself.
I should just
build them a stepdad out of pipes.
But this interspecies socialization
completely subverts
traditional predator-prey relationships.
It's a marvel of adaptation.
I know I invited you here to suck,
but now is not the time.
I've gotta go save my boys.
Is that poison?
You just carry that around with you?
Must be nice to be a man.
Farrah, there are too many of them.
But if these animals
have built a hierarchy,
I just need to figure out
which one is the alpha.
I assume it's the tiger.
[tiger growls]
- [Cooper] Whoa! Oh!
- [bear roars]
Okay, it's the bear.
I've got this.
[dramatic music plays]
[raspily] We need water, man.
Without my lemon tea,
this is what I sing like.
I can't go back to drinking Dasani!
The third ingredient is chicken runoff!
And I'm vegan now! Ugh!
Look, guys, we've got a plan.
Well, it better work. They're burning
an effigy of you out there.
- [citizens yelling]
- Hey, put that out!
With what?
Ha! Ya burnt.
In effigy.
[Frank] Oh, hello.
You called for a plumber?
If you're busy, I can come back.
I have an opening next May.
No, no, no, please [chuckles]Mr. Frank.
Welcome to the White House.
We're a little low
on souvenirs for our guests these days,
but how'd you like
a Paw Patrol DVD signed by George W. Bush?
And that's not all.
The president wants to show you
the respect you deserve.
Right, Matty?
Whereas you deserve it or whatever,
I hereby, I guess, bestow, y'know, this.
Pshh.
You think some dumb medal
is gonna get me to turn the water back on?
Well, yes.
Power-hungry sociopaths
have always been mollified
by receiving
the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
It's how we got Carol Channing
to tell us where Bin Laden was.
If it doesn't satisfy you
to receive the MOF,
short for "Presidential Medal Of Freedom,"
the "P" is silent, as "P"s often are,
saying "MOF" just saves time,
then what will?
Look, I already told that guy
exactly what I want.
[Matty laughs]
Oh, you're gonna love this.
He said he'll fix the water
if I step aside and we make him President.
[laughs hysterically]
Like he could ever
And you guys would agree to
And then me just [continues laughing]
Why is no one laughing with me?
Sir, obviously this is
an unfortunate situation,
slippery as a
And circumstances might be
limiting my similes,
but a soapy mommy.
You're actually considering this?
Look, I wish we'd never given people water
in the first place,
but it's nigh impossible
for the government to take back a service.
Look at Social Security.
Or condoms "for her pleasure."
Who's that for?
Lucy, you know we can't do this, right?
Matty, we do need water.
If TOD doesn't rinse out his brain tank,
do you know how stanky it gets?
So insanely stanky.
Oh my God.
U2.
The band.
Remember when they made our phones
download that album?
Well, that's how I feel right now.
Betrayed and so confused.
So I guess that's that.
Ex-President Mulligan.
Maybe I'll go write my memoir.
Hope you like
being described in books as fat choads!
[Frank] Look at that.
Now I'm the big shot living in the mansion
with the hot wife and the butler.
- Sir, I am no man's
- That's not
Yeah, that's not gonna
get your water turned on any faster.
- Yes, darling.
- Very good, sir.
[bear growls]
[dramatic music playing]
[grumbles]
[dramatic music building]
[music halts]
[whispers] What are you doing?
Demonstrating my submissiveness.
[animals sniffing]
I am not a reproductive
or physical threat.
In fact [slurps]
I'm a widdle kitty.
Meow, meow, meow.
[grunting softly] What's this guy's deal?!
Okay, I've got the boys.
I'm now presenting to the alpha.
[whimsical music plays]
[seductive music playing]
[Dr. Braun] Yes.
Yes, you are.
[animals grumble]
I think it's working.
- [snake hisses]
- Oh yeah. It's working.
But why?
What is wrong with me?
[animals grumble, screech]
[Axatrax groans]
Hmm? [gasps]
A robbery.
My chance to be a hero.
Now, what would that rich orphan do?
[dramatic music playing]
There's a reckoning coming
to this city. [grunting]
Axatrax?
[chuckling] Dude, you're so weak.
[sniffs] And you smell
like crocodile anus.
[scoffs] What are you doing here?
Where else am I gonna live, the sewer?
And constantly be reminded of plumbing?
I guess we're both
having rough nights. [sighs]
Should we bond?
Maybe on the roof,
like in your The Aristocats?
I only wanted to be, you know, special.
I was special.
I had the mansion,
the butler, the hot wife
But my friends made Frank president,
just 'cause I'm a bad president.
Don't say that.
Remember when you threw that grenade
and killed everyone I work with?
That was presidential.
Ugh, that was forever ago.
Maybe they were right to get rid of me.
I'm no leader. I just make things worse.
Like concussions do.
Or concussions.
Or that green stuff people put in food.
What's that stuff called?
- Parsley?
- No, no, no, you can eat around that.
This stuff makes everything else
taste like it.
It's, um Gah, what's that word?
Buhh
Vvvvvuuhh
Okay, this is excruciating.
I'll just go in and get it.
Huh? What are you do
[dramatic swell]
[Matty 1] Bronson Arroyo. Jason Varitek.
[Matty 2]
Get the meat stick at Santarpio's
[Matty 3] You don't pronounce
the "H" in "Thailand."
[Matty 4] Dogs like it when you pet them.
Jay, Jay, this fish is a monster!
Up, up, down, down,
left, right, left, right, B, A
If you put a chair in a parking spot,
that's your parking spot.
Ugh! Oh my God, pal, I hate dill.
[Matty grunts] Huh.
Dill. You were thinking of dill, Matty.
Jesus.
How did you do that?
It was just a mind-meld.
On Cardi-B, we use it
to trash what other Cardibeans are wearing
behind their backs.
Oh, and to solve murders.
Dude, you have got psychic powers.
It's like that guidance counselor
who told me I wouldn't amount to anything.
Here on Earth, that's a superpower.
Yar, it is.
And it might just be
how we turn the water back on
and save Earth from President Frank.
- I'm gonna need a cape.
- [heroic music plays]
- [Cooper laughs] That was awesome.
- [Carter laughs] I wanna be submissive.
I hope we can still be friends
after that display. I mean,
I know there's definitely no way you could
ever see me as a romantic partner now.
Remember when that embarrassed wolf
pulled my pants back up for me?
Yeah, right?
I mean, someone would have to
have been deeply messed up
by their sex therapist parents
to somehow be attracted to that.
- [Simon laughs] Yeah.
- [Dr. Braun chuckles]
Ah! A bird!
- Not again! Stop pecking me!
- [bird chirping]
- [seductive music playing]
- What is happening?
- [knocks on door]
- [Axatrax in feminine voice] It's Lucy.
You up, Frankie-feces?
- Frankie-poo.
- How is that better?
So you changed your mind
about that nightcap, huh?
- [seductive music plays]
- [Frank whistles] Oh, baby.
You got more curves
than a bunch of toilet pipes.
- You made one mistake.
- Uno!
You looked into the eyes of Mind-Meld Man.
And his sidekick, Wig-Finder.
I found the wig.
- [Frank gasps]
- [dramatic swell]
[ethereal music playing]
[music building]
[dramatic swell]
- [Matty slurps]
- [Frank] Guh!
I did it.
I scoured his brain,
and I now know everything there is to know
about Earth plumbing.
Also, I've now seen every episode
of The King of Queens.
Wait, what did you do?
Hey, Luce.
Who's got one thumb,
one surgically-grafted-on big toe,
finds wigs, and deserves to be president?
This guy!
But we all agreed on a plan.
Yeah. I realized
I could turn the tables on Frank.
'Cause guys like that
love to talk down to me, right?
[Matty] Yeah, it's called mansplaining.
We discussed this, silly.
[Lucy] So I just let him dazzle me
with all of his plumbing secrets.
I let him talk and talk, and he assumed
I wouldn't understand any of it.
And I didn't.
[LaMarr] But I know
where all the micromaphones are.
Even the ones Clinton put in the toilets.
Not the bathrooms, mind you.
The toilets.
That was the plan. Remember?
Um, yes.
Oh, I'm gonna make them
look like jerks in my memoir.
And I'll call it!
Ah, it's so hard! I'm not doing it!
What?
Sir, we are not about to stand idly by
while that usurper surps you.
- [scoffs] Whatever.
- So here's the plan. I'll just let him
[Matty] Do not cry
in front of them, Matthew.
You think happy thoughts.
You're walking in, like, a meadow.
And the grass is
Wait, that's not grass.
Ew! It's dill. Who planted this?
Oh, get me out of this meadow.
God, I hate
Wait, what's the word
for this stuff again?
Oh, I just said it.
All you have to do is stay away
for a couple hours. Got it?
Sure, whatever.
I'm just gonna go live in the sewer.
So you guys
didn't just let Frank kick me out?
Which I knew already,
you know, 'cause I was totally listening.
Of course not.
We're the Three Musketeers.
I'm nougat, you're chocolate,
and LaMarr is
Huh. There's only two ingredients.
So why is it called?
Well, the good news is
everything worked out for everyone.
Worged ow frebbywun. Gwee! [gibberish]
Oh boy.
Yeah, never gone that deep
in a human's brain before.
I just kept laughing at Jerry Stiller.
Honestly, I didn't wanna leave.
[all laughing]
Goo-goo-goo am Frank!
You sure am.
[announcer] Next week on The Adventures
of Mind-Meld Man and Wig-Finder
- [Axatrax] Mmm. [grunts]
- [tools clanking]
Okay, try it now.
[sharp sting]
- It works!
- Yeah, you had a busted lap joint flange.
[sharp sting]
- [upbeat music playing]
- No wigs here, Mind-Meld Man.
[sharp sting]
[announcer] Mind-Meld Man and Wig-Finder
is brought to you by The Dill Council.
"Dill. Because they're
out of plain cream cheese."
[whimsical music playing]
[music fades]