My Family (2000) s02e07 Episode Script

(Clattering) - Good morning.
- You're half right, it is morning.
- This is delicious.
- What's for breakfast, darling? Tuscan omelettes, honey bunch.
Someone hide your medication? There's a chef's job going at Aberdeen Angus.
Thought I'd practise.
You don't have Mum's cooking gene.
Must take after Dad.
- Do you want one, Dad? - Are you mad? I've managed to survive your mother's cooking.
- I won't risk eating yours.
- Good.
More for me.
What is this? That tastes like something I remember.
Eggs? Yes, that's what it is.
It's like eggs.
I'll regret saying this, but good work.
- I'll make you one.
- Good.
- Er Nick, what are you doing? - Following the recipe.
It's from Naked Chef.
That's really, erm The Naked Chef isn't naked.
It's the name of the programme.
I'm willing to go that extra mile.
You had your kit off when you made this? - I wore an oven glove.
- Oh, Nick, that's disgusting! - How are you doing, Brian? - Nearly done.
- Stupid Brian's good at this.
- Don't call him that.
Sorry.
Seems to have stuck.
I don't know why.
- Where's my screwdriver? - In your hand.
- Ah.
- OK.
But he is very kind.
Well, you always wanted a pet.
Stu Brian, would you like some tea or coffee? Ah Mum, you've confused him now.
Sorry.
I'll make you some tea.
There you go.
You could put a donkey on that.
- I was thinking cookbooks.
- Yeah.
Cookbooks.
- What do I owe you? - I don't want anything.
- I just want to help.
- No wonder they call you Stupid Brian.
(Repeated note) What in the name of Satan are you doing? - Tuning the piano.
- Why don't I go back upstairs to bed? and hopefully when I wake up you won't be tuning the piano.
Carry on like that, Dad, you'll wish your life away.
I tried wishing, Nick.
It doesn't work.
No, you see, I met this bloke in a pub and he sold me this piano tuning gear.
Only 80 quid.
He said you can make a lot of money with this.
He certainly has.
It's like Jack selling the family cow for a handful of beans.
But those were magic beans.
So this is a magic piano tuning kit? It's early days yet.
Now hush.
(Note reverberates and twangs) I sometimes wonder if Nick's all there.
And then sadly I find he is.
He's having fun.
He's young.
He's not young.
He's older than my bank manager.
- Dad, look what Brian's done.
- Knocked all the books down? - No, he's fixed the shelf.
- The one I was going to fix? No, the one I asked you to fix two months ago but you haven't.
I was preparing.
It's a shelf, not a round-the-world yacht race.
You're like a bull at a gate.
You can't fix a shelf just like that.
- Brian did.
- Course Brian did.
Let's have a look at this shelf that Brian fixed.
Ha! Ha, ha! This won't last.
Yeah.
Yeah, go on, then.
All right.
All right.
Yeah, it'll stay for a while.
You were right.
You could hang a donkey off it.
Have you chosen a colour yet, Mrs P? - It needs careful thought.
- Choosing colour needs thought, but - What colour? - Surely you haven't forgotten.
How can I forget something I never knew? I wouldn't decorate the living room without consulting you.
- What did I say? - You said nothing.
I was asleep, wasn't I? I've got enough to do without checking whether you're awake.
- Excuse me a second.
- Had I been awake, I would have said the living room doesn't need decorating.
- (Piano keys crash) - (Nick) Ow! Oh, well, there's no going back now.
No going back? I don't believe you sometimes.
- (Janey) That's better.
- You haven't chosen a colour.
First you don't want me to do it, then you're nagging me to.
The living room is fine.
You can sit in it.
You can lie in it.
You can watch telly in it.
Why change it? You must keep things fresh.
Like a marriage.
- I don't want ours fresh.
- I said a marriage.
If you want me to be doing it, I've got a lot of free time in perhaps a couple years.
That's why Brian's going to do it.
- What? Him? - Oh.
Hello, Mr Harper.
- He's an imbecile.
- But he's good at decorating.
- His dad's a decorator.
- Cool.
So is my dad.
Well, it's going to be done.
If Brian's not going to do it, or you, what's the alternative? Anyone got a tuning fork? Or any sort of fork, really.
Tell you what.
A spoon.
Brian, you can start tomorrow.
Oi! What's the What's the big idea? Quantum mechanics? That's pretty big.
- Thanks for the toast.
- I'll toast you! You'll be sorry when I'm dead! - Morning, Mr C.
- Is it? You're making an early start.
Start? I can't start until Mrs Harper's chosen the paint.
Wait a minute, have you been here all night? No, I've been in Janey's bedroom.
- Excuse me? - I've been in Janey's bedroom.
I know that.
It's just that I'm a bit - Deaf.
- No.
Erm What I'm trying to say is, er - Have you been here all night? - Yes.
- In Janey's bedroom? - Yes.
- With Janey? - Hope so.
Look, Brian, there are a number of issues here.
Oh, no.
Numbers.
- No, look, Brian - Oh, right.
The tea.
Thanks.
Susan! Susan! I don't want to worry you but something disturbing has happened.
You made the tea but forgot to pour it into the cups.
- I know.
I'm upset.
- What's happened now? Did the postman not push the letters all the way through? Stupid Brian has spent the night with Janey.
What? - In her bedroom.
- With - That is disturbing.
- I know.
I know.
I know.
Puts the tea business in perspective, doesn't it? - You gonna deal with it? - Me? - I deal with the boys.
- You've done a great job.
If I'm going up against her, I need your support.
You've got it.
I'm as unhappy about this as you are.
Although I - Don't weaken now.
- No.
But it's not as if Janey's a child any more.
It's not as if she's not had boyfriends.
But it's a matter of parental respect.
We feel her behaviour is inappropriate and she should consider our feelings.
Oh, that is so good.
Yeah.
Exactly.
So we're agreed We are agreed, aren't we? Yeah.
Course.
- What should we do? - Pack up and leave.
Don't look back.
Ben, it's vital we present a united front.
- I'm with you.
- So no backing down.
No.
Together, yeah? Maybe we could leave her a note.
It's OK.
Cut to the chase.
I know what this is about.
Good.
Then you can tell Brian he's not to stay the night in your room.
Oh, that? Is that all? - All? - Nothing.
- Why can't he stay in my room? - Why Erm - It's perfectly simple.
- Here we go again.
Liberal parents wake up to reality and turn heavy.
No.
No.
No.
It's, erm It's a matter of parental respect.
We feel your behaviour is inappropriate and we would like you to consider our feelings.
Janey's not a child any more.
We know she's had boyfriends.
- What? - You're being a little pompous, Ben.
- Susan.
- It is the 21 st century.
Chill out, man, you know? "Chill out"? I mean, like, get in the groove, like, Daddio? Mum, if you're so cool about it, why are you here? - Thank you.
Why are you here? - I Well Obviously I don't have a problem with it.
l-l-lt's Michael.
- Michael? - Yes.
I don't feel this situation is appropriate while there's a 13-year-old living here.
- OK.
Er Michael? - (Michael) Yes? Do you mind Brian staying the night in my room? Do you think I care what you get up to with your idiot boyfriend? - See? He's happy.
- No.
Janey You're forgetting, Dad, I'm 17.
I can do what I like.
That's not true.
You can't vote, drive a minibus, work in an off-licence, teach scuba diving or be a pilot.
Thanks, Michael.
Now run along and count your spots.
At least my spots are on my face.
- Can I go? - Yes.
No! What are you doing? This discussion is not over.
Let's face it, we can't stop them.
Whatever they're doing at night they can do during the day.
Cool! Thanks, Mum.
See you.
- Well? - I changed my mind.
What do you think? Oatmeal or barley white? You can't drag me into this.
Why did you change your mind? If you don't choose the colour, you'll complain afterwards.
I'm complaining now.
Why did you change your mind? We're down to the last five.
Oatmeal, barley white, taupe, cream or ecru.
There is no discernible difference between any of them.
Maybe not to your eye.
They've just paid someone to come up with five different names for beige.
Ooh.
You're right.
It is beige.
Next time you change your mind, we'll have a secret signal, like twitching your nose or winking in Morse code.
I'm sorry.
It's just I don't want to turn into my mother.
I don't want you to turn into your mother.
When I was Janey's age, my mother was always telling me what to do.
- No wonder I rebelled.
- You rebelled? Yes.
I married you.
At least I've got something to thank your mother for.
If I end up like my mother, Janey will end up like me and the whole cycle will start again.
I don't care about your mother or the cycle.
You said "present a united front" then you disappeared.
- Beige is boring.
- Fine.
I'll wash my hands of both of you.
I didn't abandon you.
I was just choosing my moment.
A battle isn't won until the last bullet is fired.
Unless you're first out and get shot.
OK.
Janey's too much for you? I'll handle her on my own.
- Fine.
- You deal with the boys.
No problem.
(Piano note reverberates and twangs) (Piano lid slams, Nick yelps) (Makes lightsaber whooshing sound) - Hello, Stu.
- I didn't see you there.
I know.
Someone put a sheet over me.
Yeah, that was me.
Why didn't you say anything? I thought you were tucking me in.
So, Stu, how's the decorating going? Not much happening, is there? I don't know, I haven't started yet.
Why do you keep calling me Stu? Well, it's short for, erm for, erm Stupid.
Cool.
What the hell do you think you're doing? - Just vacuuming.
- The same spot for 20 minutes? It's called being thorough.
It's called obsessive-compulsive disorder.
It's ten o'clock and Janey and Brian aren't up yet.
Ah.
I'll be downstairs.
Wait! Stay here, you.
Remember, united front? - Remember? I didn't forget.
- Keep your voice down! What do you think they're doing in there? I don't want to know and now I'm going to be wondering all day.
- Shh! - What? - I thought I heard something.
- What? I don't know.
A creak.
A floorboard maybe.
- Perhaps a spring.
- Oh, God.
Ben, what are you doing? Something interesting going on in there? - What are you doing here? - You mean why aren't I having sex? - No.
- Yes.
Sorry to disappoint you.
So then.
Chosen that colour yet? (Whistling) (Bell ringing) Morning, guv'nor.
What can I do you for? Great Caesar's ghost.
Hello, Dad.
What are you doing here? - I asked you first.
- No, you didn't.
You didn't tell me you were working here.
If I told you every time I got a new job, I'd never have time to work.
See the game last night? What game? There was no game last night.
Work with me.
I'm in character.
(Whistles) - Want some paint then? - Oh, Jesus.
- Where are you off to, squire? - To find another paint shop.
If I'm quick I might find that you're not there.
Oh, OK, Dad.
That's cool.
I tried.
I need 15 litres of paint mixed.
I can't afford to screw up.
Little lady got you under the thumb? - My missus is just the same.
- All right.
Cheers, Nick.
Dad, come on.
It's 15 litres.
That'll look really good for me.
If I don't keep this job, I don't know what I'll do.
There's always piano tuning, I suppose.
No, honestly.
I won't screw up.
I can't screw up even if I wanted to.
It's all done on computer.
Plus, I'll give you ten per cent staff discount.
All right.
Nick, what's the worst that can happen? I just type in the code here What are we doing? Oh, yeah.
Paint.
You screw this up and they'll be scraping you off the wall.
Cool.
Grumpy customer.
Nice character, Dad.
- Is that the colour you wanted? - Looks like a tart's boudoir.
Maybe it'll be different once it's up on the wall.
- Looks like a tart's boudoir.
- I quite like it.
It's like Janey's bedroom.
Nick, paint, computers.
I should have seen it coming.
- I'll take it back tomorrow morning.
- Oh.
I suppose you can go home, Brian.
We don't need you now.
Or you can spend the rest of the day here with me.
And the evening.
And whatever.
I'll just finish up here then.
Janey.
A word.
In the kitchen.
- Mum wants a word with us.
- Alone.
Anything you say to me, you can say in front of Brian.
- Are you still waxing your lip? - Mum! - You know I don't wax my lip.
- You know I don't like that attitude.
OK.
What's your problem? Brian staying? I don't have a problem with that.
It's It's It's your father.
Yes.
It makes him grumpy.
He's grumpy anyway.
Why change things? I think you don't like the idea of Brian spending the night here and you're thinking up reasons to justify it.
I don't need a reason.
I'm your mother.
You can't just invite a boy to stay without checking with us.
Fine.
Can Brian stay tonight? - No.
- Why not? - Because.
- That's not a reason! - It is a very good reason.
- Why? Because we didn't do it in our day.
You did.
You're just jealous because you felt guilty about it and I don't.
- So, did you tell her? - Yes.
What did you tell her? I said you were very unhappy with the Brian situation.
Great.
Why are you always turning me into the pompous fart? Because it's so easy.
Stop playing the kind, enlightened child of the '60s.
- Well, I am.
- No, you were.
Hello, wake up, hippy.
Woodstock's over.
I'm sorry.
When I was talking to Janey, I started hearing my mother's voice.
It was like The Exorcist.
(Evil voice) You can't do this.
You can't wear that.
Where are you going? You'll never be popular if you don't brush your hair.
So did you use that voice? How did she take it? I don't know and I don't care.
Never mind your mother.
You're beginning to sound like me.
Come on! Come on, I know you're in there! Come on, hurry up, you useless idiot.
- Excuse me? - Oh, sorry.
I was expecting a useless idiot.
I'm sorry to disappoint you, sir.
Where's Nick? Nick Harper.
The bloke working here yesterday.
- I'm not with you, sir.
- He sold me this revolting paint.
He got the numbers wrong on the mixer and produced something the colour of a meerkat's vomit.
I don't think so, sir.
- I'd like my money back.
- I don't think so, sir.
- I'd like my money back.
- I don't think so.
We could go on like this for some time.
You may have better things to do but I'd rather be here than at home.
There was no Nick Harper working here yesterday.
Look, six foot two.
Reddish hair.
Oh, you mean Cliff Challenger.
- Cliff Challenger.
- Why didn't you say so? Because he Yeah, that's him.
So I'd like my money back.
It couldn't have been Cliff who mixed this.
- He's been our best worker ever.
- What? He's been promoted to head office.
- You're lying, aren't you? - Yes.
- You know how I know? - No.
Cliff Challenger is my son and I know his talents do not lie in the executive area.
Oh, your son? Then perhaps you'd like to write your full name and address here.
- Glad we're seeing sense.
- So we can send the bill.
What? What bill? For offering random staff discounts to friends, family and bus loads of strangers.
For instituting an all-day happy hour.
In a paint shop.
And for wasting 22 litres of paint on a mural of Britney Spears across the road.
Whatever my son has or hasn't done, I'd like my money back for this paint.
- Why? It's your fault.
- What do you mean, my fault? You knew he was an idiot when you bought it.
Excuse me.
My son is not an idiot.
OK.
How much do you want? (Note reverberates and twangs) - Nick! - Yes, Dad? Nothing.
If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's once a piano tuner, always a piano tuner.
Best to stick to what you're good at.
- (String snaps) - Oh, dear.
- Did you get the paint? - Don't push me.
- I'm too tired for sarcasm.
- You angel.
- And it's the right colour.
- Are you sure? Maybe.
Maybe we should go for bolder colours.
How about dried blood? Ooh Ben, how about soapstone? Soapstone.
Soapstone.
You like soapstone? Hmm Ye Nn We like soapstone.
Soapstone's good.
It's warm.
It's light.
It goes with the furniture.
- Choose soapstone.
Please.
- Mm Ye Brian, are you coming to bed? - Are you determined to defy me? - I hadn't given it that much thought.
- Janey! Enough is enough.
- Thank you.
She was about to make a decision and you distract her with your infernal teenage lusts.
So, you like soapstone? Ye Nnn Ooh Oh, I don't know.
- Can I wait in here? - Yeah, come in.
There's always room for two in my personal hell.
Cheers.
So, what do you do if someone you respect and care for asks you to do something that you don't think is right? You know, in the bedroom.
- What? - Or the toilet.
That's too much information.
I'm not saying I'm not up for it.
Brian, whatever you and my Janey get up to is, erm I just don't want to know about it.
It's not Janey.
It's your wife.
What? She wants me to decorate your bedroom.
And your toilet.
(Laughs) Oh, is that all? - So you're happy about it? - Yeah.
A lot happier than about the thing I thought you meant.
- Can we talk about Janey now? - No, please.
- She's doing my nut in.
- Welcome to the family.
If I stay I'm gonna upset your missus and if I don't I'm gonna upset Janey.
Whatever I do I'll upset somebody.
Welcome to the family.
You know, Brian, I don't care.
I'm tired, mentally, physically, emotionally and I just want to go to bed.
So do I.
But where? Brian, haven't you got any initiative? No.
So look, when you go home tonight, take your ladder and put it up against Janey's bedroom and climb up and bingo.
Bingo? I don't think that's what she's got in mind.
Look, Brian, people don't mind things when they don't know that it's happening.
OK.
But don't you think the whole thing's a little bit What's the word? - Hypocritical? - No, difficult.
Ben, we've got to do something about that girl.
It's - It's all sorted out.
- What? If you want something done, get a man to do it.
- Brian's going home.
- What did you say to him? I put my foot down.
All right, Brian? Mr H.
Missus.
OK, Brian, safe journey home, OK? I'm not going home.
Oh Yeah.
Good night.
That's wonderful.
What did you do? I deal with the boys, OK? Now you do me the courtesy of picking a bloody colour.
I don't know, Ben.
Maybe the sitting room is better the way it was.
- What? - The living room's fine.
You can sit in it, you can watch telly in it, it's cosy enough, comfortable.
Not any more.
I can't take the stress.
It's too much trouble.
And you haven't been much help.
I haven't been much Listen, you.
You listen to me.
I have been back and forth to that paint shop eight times, while you make up your mind between cuttlefish, salmon pink, and squid.
I've spent L600 on paint, L200 on Nick's staff discount, not to mention the fortune it'll cost to repair that piano! Stress? You don't know the meaning of the word.
And now you've got the bloody gall to say I've been no help! That's the colour I want for the sitting room! Sorry.
Just got to get Janey a glass of water.
(Each key plays same note) Pretty good, eh? Nick, you've tuned the whole piano to the same note.
That's right.
Middle C.
Perfect.
What in the name of all the gods is the point of that? What is the point of a sunset? What is the point of a snowflake? What is the point of a butterfly's wing? You're right.
What is the point? What is the point? As long as that bloody row is over and done with.
(Strikes tuning fork, plays piano) Hold on.
That's not middle C.
I'd better start again.