Nathan For You (2013) s02e07 Episode Script

1 My name is Nathan Fielder, and I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools with really good grades.
Now I'm using my knowledge to help struggling small business owners make it in this competitive world.
(dramatic music) This is Nathan for you.
Andy Farshidian is the president of Andy O.
C.
Taxi Company, and he blames all his troubles on one thing.
Trendy ride-sharing programs, like Uber, have been grabbing headlines lately and caused taxi companies like Andy's to take a big hit.
I want to be honest with you.
I'm very broke.
You know what I mean? Very broke.
So I paid him a visit with a guaranteed way to get his company back in the spotlight.
The ride-share programs, you know, - are screwing you, right? - Right.
You know, they took lots of the customers from cab business.
And you need to get the attention that they're getting.
And the way to do that is to give free rides to pregnant women.
How this connected to the, you know, success in the cab business? Every time a baby is born in a taxicab, it becomes a huge news story.
So if Andy did a special promotion where he offered free rides to women who were pregnant, it would only be a matter of time until the miracle of life happened in an O.
C.
Taxi cab.
The plan-- increase the odds of a backseat birth with free rides for the pregnant.
I never had the-- I never thought about this.
You just do it till you get one.
Then you'll get all this press.
Yeah, that would be great.
I-I should ask.
Your cabs are clean, right? Yeah, sure.
Andy was on board.
Now I needed to get pregnant women aware of the promotion, so I approached a yoga studio that offers prenatal classes and asked them to get the word out to their students.
And that would be great if you could push this.
Why only in their third trimester? That more is-- has to do with our marketing needs.
Got it.
And within a few days, we started getting calls.
So I headed out with one of Andy's drivers, Armen, and while we waited for our first customer, I got to know him a little bit.
So do you have any secrets? (laughs) Yeah, I have secrets, but When I told you, that is a not secret.
Hmm.
Fair enough.
Bad secrets? I think, yeah.
- Yeah? - I think.
And moments later, it was time to start giving rides to pregnant women.
So how far along are you? I'm 30-- 37 weeks.
(chuckles) So any-- - anytime soon.
- Anytime.
But with a woman who is nine months pregnant now in the backseat, the reality of what I was doing began to set in.
I hadn't taken any safety precautions at all.
And if a woman were to have a baby in here, would Armen, with all those secrets, be fit to deliver it? And that made me realize there might be a better way to do this.
It occurred to me that a hatchback taxi and a hospital birthing table have very similar qualities, and a hybrid of the two could be the solution I needed.
Throw in sterile conditions and a medical professional to deliver the baby, and I'd have a completely safe birthing option that would be even more headline-worthy because it's never been done before.
So I put an ad on Craigslist seeking pregnant women that hadn't yet decided their birth plans, and within a few days, I got a response from a woman named Shante who was seven months pregnant.
The way I see it is a cab that would be at your house or very close to your house.
Okay.
I'd want everything to be completely sanitized in a way that's just as safe, if not safer, than a hospital.
I'm-- I'm not opposed to it.
I mean, I-I think I would probably, uh, need to think about it more and discuss it with my-- my boyfriend.
I mean, in a way, you and your son would be famous.
Yeah-- Well, yeah.
Yeah.
Shante was surprisingly intrigued, and I was stoked that this might actually happen.
So I went back to Andy to bring him up to speed.
I actually found a woman who potentially might be willing to give birth in one of your taxicabs.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
How much she ask-- she ask? We haven't talked about money or anything.
- Oh.
- But I only want to do this if it can be done completely safely.
I try to be safe.
You're not just saying that right now, right? 'cause I'll walk out right now.
- No, don't walk.
I-- - For me, safety is number one.
I assure you.
I assure you.
Okay, 'cause I see dollar signs in your eyes.
I know, but one-- one eye is dollar sign, one eye is safety.
- So dollar in one eye.
- Dollar in one eyes and babies in the other eyes.
It just is a baby.
Just a baby sign, yeah.
What does the baby look like? Looks like a small, cute baby with a smile.
- Good.
All right.
- Okay.
- Thank you so much.
- Sure, man.
- Safety first.
- Of course, safety first, - baby second.
- Okay.
With Andy on board, the next step was finding a location for the taxi birth to take place.
So I rented a warehouse near Shante's house and had one of Andy's taxis brought there to be the birthing vehicle.
Next, to make sure the birth happened safely, I hired someone who'd be able to deliver the baby.
- You're a midwife.
- I'm a student midwife.
- You're a student midwife.
- Exactly.
Okay.
So you're not quite, but you pretty much know the same stuff.
Mm-hmm.
And she assured me that doing it in a taxi would be no problem.
We're used to moms giving birth wherever.
But just trusting the word of a student midwife was a risk I wasn't willing to take.
So before showing this to Shante, I had a licensed obstetrician, Dr.
Manzer S.
Kuraishi, come in to ensure that Kim was fully qualified to handle this birth.
If you went in and checked out the midwife, you think you would be able to tell if she knew - what she was doing or not? - I can ask basic questions and see if she responds appropriately.
Not wanting to offend Kim by questioning her expertise, I had the doctor dress up as a car mechanic, so he could secretly vet her to see if she was up to snuff.
- When you go in - Mm-hmm.
You're a mechanic that's just there to check out the car.
- That's fine.
- Okay.
You still sound maybe a little bit smart.
I don't know if there's a way you could put on a more, like, average Joe accent or something.
I guess I can try to be more, uh, run-of-the-mill.
Yo, I'm here to just check out the car.
Uh, I'm here to check out the car.
- The cah.
- The car.
Da cah.
- Da cah, yeah.
- I'm here to check out the cah.
Yeah, that's great.
You think that's gonna be better - than just using-- - Yeah, I think it'll help make you seem like more of a mechanic.
- All right.
Okay.
- Okay.
Great.
With the doctor all set, I brought him inside to meet Kim.
- This is Teddy here.
- How you doing? - Hi, Teddy.
- I'm here to check out the car.
- Okay.
- Teddy's a native - from Brooklyn, New York.
- Okay.
- So - I'm looking for the accent.
I've been listening for the accent.
Yeah.
Comes and goes.
- I used to live in Brooklyn.
- No.
Where? What part-- What part are you from? - The North Side.
- North side of Brooklyn? Yeah.
Well, anyways, what do you got going here? Our covert plan was working, as Dr.
Kuraishi was able to subtly slide in medical questions without Kim suspecting a thing.
Man, I'm from Brooklyn.
I'd rather have a pizza.
I don't know about that, but what-- what happens if she does need one of those epidural things? And once he got all he needed, he completed his inspection of the car - Looks good.
- and met me outside, where I awaited his report.
For the majority of deliveries, it would be absolutely fine.
- You think so? - Yeah.
Because the majority of deliveries happen naturally.
Dr.
Kuraishi's evaluation gave me confidence in my plan.
Now all I needed was for Shante to say yes.
The day had finally arrived, and with the birthing vehicle medically sound, I had a P.
A.
come in early to sterilize the warehouse.
Now it was time to see if I could convince Shante and her boyfriend, Damian, to have their firstborn child in an Andy O.
C.
Taxi Cab.
Pretty great, huh? Hmm.
- As you can see, it's - Wow.
- Completely done up.
- Totally different.
- Wow, totally different.
- Wow.
After explaining to them how it would all work, I eagerly awaited the couple's decision.
The-- The idea-- Everything is great.
But now that I actually see the finished product, I feel like - I'm not 100%.
- Yeah.
Is it 'cause there's not enough towels or No.
Actually-- Actually, I love the towels.
- Oh, okay.
Great.
- The towels are actually-- No, it's not that.
It's just that if-- if everything was, you know, to be set up like an actual hospital-- I was surprised that Shante and Damian were having cold feet.
Fortunately, I had a plan "B.
" At the end of the day, we can't forget - who this is all about.
- Yeah.
Uh, Andy, who's the owner of the O.
C.
Taxi Company.
- Oh.
- So before you leave, I do think, you know, - you should hear from him.
- Okay.
With the couple on the brink of walking away, my only hope was a plea from the man who needed their help the most.
So it was now in Andy's hands to win them over.
I had a sign, you know, in my cab a for long, long time, and I never use it, you know? And when you have your baby come out, the first thing he or she open their eyes, I have that sign for that kids.
And the sign says what? It says, "You are cute.
" - You are cute? - Cute.
- She or he cannot read it.
- Yeah.
But goes on the mind-- goes on the brain and stay there, you know what I mean? Yeah.
I think you guys would have to do too much other stuff to accommodate what I'm looking for.
Please.
But if there's anything else we could do, like, maybe, like, word of mouth.
Can you do me a favor and think a little bit more Andy.
Andy.
And please give me this chance? Yeah, I think it's just gonna-- we're just gonna have it at the hospital.
- Oh, I give you 100% guarantee.
- Andy.
Andy.
Andy.
- Anything that you want.
- No, Andy-- Yeah.
Thank you so much, though, for the offer.
- Yeah.
- I don't think - they want to do it.
- Give me a minute.
Damian and Shante said no, but Andy wouldn't give up.
- So it's about you? - No, it's not about me, no.
Well, you sound like it is.
This is a good opportunity for you.
No.
You're trying to convince us, but at the end of the day, it seems like it's all about you.
The baby sign was gone from his eyes and replaced with another dollar sign.
He was no longer seeing them as human beings, but instead, just a way to get rich.
So I had to do what was right and let them go.
- Please, think again.
- Andy, okay.
You can go.
Thank you.
It was sad that things didn't work out the way that Andy wanted.
But sometimes in business, success also means knowing when to stop.
I think what happened today is a perfect example of greed infecting someone's brain, and that infection happened in yours.
- You're right.
You're right.
- You lost focus, and you forgot what's the most important thing.
Human life.
What do you think if we looking for another baby? I think we just have to let this one go.
Maybe somebody else like it.
I-I mean, maybe.
You know, I can't guarantee it 100%, you know what I mean? Andy, I respect you so much as a businessman, but I just don't think we see eye to eye as human beings.
Okay, good luck, kid.
Okay.
- Best of luck with everything.
- Okay.
Thank you very much.
For a business, nothing says success like a line down the block.
And for L.
A.
's Pink's Hot Dogs, they've got that down pat.
But even though things are going well, owners, Gloria and Richard Pink, are always looking to step things up.
Any business that isn't improving is falling behind.
Yeah, we're always looking for ways to improve the business.
The Pinks were clearly crazy about their brand.
But when I went undercover to scope things out, I discovered a glaring problem that was keeping them from making even more money.
So I paid the couple a visit with a way to attract a new type of customer.
I wore a pink shirt today because your name is Pink's.
Right.
Okay.
Right now, the huge line at Pink's is turning off a slew of customers that don't have time to wait.
But Richard and Gloria would easily be able to capture those sales with a simple rule change-- line cutting allowed if you're in a hurry.
I hate to, like, prejudge it, but customers that saw that someone else got an advantage would probably be upset.
I want you guys to know that I'm determined to protect your brand at all costs.
All right, so let's see how you do that.
- Okay.
- Okay.
The Pinks agreed to let me prove my idea to them during the Friday lunch rush.
So the next day I placed a sign near the street advertising the new rule.
To avoid chaos by everyone saying they were in a rush, I came up with a list of five acceptable reasons for cutting to the front of the line Doctor's appointment, job interview, picking up a kid from school, funeral, or if you're an air traffic controller who's late for work.
The new policy seemed to be attracting customers who were driving by even though most of them didn't qualify for line cutting.
Uh, no.
But you're not an air traffic controller.
But there were several people with legitimate places to be.
You have a doctor's appointment today? - Yes.
- And who's your doctor? - Dr.
Pia.
- Dr.
Pia? Dr.
Pia's office.
Hi, I'm calling to confirm an appointment for - Jason.
- Jason - Wolf.
- Wolf.
Yeah, we have Jason coming in at 5:30.
Great.
Okay, thank you so much.
And once I was able to confirm their reason He has to cut in line.
He has a doctor's appointment.
- Is that okay? - Yeah, that's okay.
Okay.
customers could cut to the front of the line without anyone getting angry.
As the day went on, the system seemed to be working great.
- You are going to a funeral.
- Yeah.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
- Who's the funeral for? - Connie Mendel.
- A friend of mine.
- Oh, I'm so sorry - for your loss.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
But as the lunch rush was winding down, I saw something that disturbed me.
One customer that I met earlier said he was in a hurry.
I have a doctor's appointment.
I forgot.
You have a doctor's appointment today? - Yes.
Mm-hmm.
- You really do? - Mm-hmm.
- But when I tried to confirm it, he couldn't give me any information.
- What's your doctor's number or-- - I don't have his number.
I just-- I don't have it with me.
I just have to go at 3:00.
Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I allowed him to cut to the front.
But now, 45 minutes later, he was still sitting there taking his time.
And I began to suspect that he didn't have a doctor's appointment at all.
So I told one of my cameramen to secretly follow him to his car, and once he drove off, I followed in close pursuit to see if he was telling the truth.
A bit late for the doctor by now, aren't we? Huh.
After 30 minutes of tailing him, he led us straight into a lie.
He wasn't going to the doctor.
He was seeing a movie instead, an excuse that wasn't on my list.
It was an unbelievable slap in the face to the Pink's name.
So that evening, I returned to the restaurant to see how Gloria wanted to handle this.
So he-- he cut in line, got his food, and then later? - He went to see a movie.
- Ah.
You know, I think if you don't do something to respond, it could make you, as a brand, look weak.
Well So with your permission, I'd like to take this guy on a boat, and then once he's trapped at sea, teach him a lesson he'll never forget.
Whoa.
Whoa.
That's pretty harsh.
After my conversation with Gloria, Richard escorted me out and said that he no longer wanted my help at Pink's.
But when I make a promise to a business I'm determined to protect your brand at all costs.
I always keep it.
And that meant I had to show this guy on my own what happens when you mess with Pink's.
So using the number from his appearance release, I told Jonathan I was calling from the Pink's head office with some exciting news.
You, my friend, are the 10 millionth Pink's customer.
I am serious.
You have won a lobster lunch for one at sea.
At sea.
Congratulations.
Jonathan bought it hook, line, and sinker.
So I docked a boat in the San Pedro harbor and then sent a limo with two hired models to keep the ruse going on the way to the sea.
I'm so excited to be the 10th millionth customer of Pink's.
I love their hot dogs.
I'm so excited to represent them.
Once Jonathan arrived, I had him right where I needed him, and he was about to learn that taking advantage of Pink's does not go unpunished.
Shortly after, we headed out to sea, and Jonathan had no idea that his life was about to change forever.
What's your personal tagline? Live life how you want to live it and enjoy it - Mm-hmm.
- Because no one is gonna-- no one can hurt you.
- Don't answer to no one.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
- Do not answer to nobody.
Yeah.
I'm just so happy that the 10 millionth Pink's customer turned out to be such a selfless and honest guy.
Yes.
Once we got to deep enough waters, I led Jonathan up to the top deck, where my plan was about to unfold.
Have a seat at your own personal table - This is so gorgeous.
- out at sea.
Huh? And here we go.
I hope you're hungry for nothing.
Now.
(gasps) Hiding behind a curtain were four of the people that Jonathan had callously cut in front of to get his hot dog first.
You're not the 10 millionth customer.
You're here today because I know you didn't have a doctor's appointment.
I saw you go into a movie theater.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
And these are four people that you cut in front of that you thought you were better than, including a nine-year-old girl.
Don't be mad.
I just don't understand why you would cut us.
I am truly sorry.
I'm really not like that.
I'm not a liar.
I mean, even though I did say that, I was-- I was under a lot of-- I-I just-- He asked us if we wanted to go, and he asked the guy behind us if we had anything on the list, and we both said no.
But, you know, I wasn't lying when I said-- And, yes, you were like, "Oh, are you sure? I don't want to do it," and this, that, and the other thing.
- No, I did not.
- "Sure, go ahead.
" 'cause we thought it was a doctor's appointment, and we thought we were being kind to a stranger who was in a hurry and wanted to grab a bite to eat before the doctor's appointment.
Now that Jonathan understood how his actions affected others, it was time for his punishment.
The initial plan I had in mind was to unload all the passengers except Jonathan into a second boat, and then sink the main boat with Jonathan on it.
But my legal department said that this was too unsafe.
So I reluctantly agreed on a milder punishment.
You have to take a piece of gum from this ordinary pack of gum.
What is that? It's just an ordinary pack of gum.
I'm not gonna do it.
Jonathan, this is not a negotiation.
You did something wrong, and your punishment is you have to take a piece of gum from this ordinary pack of gum.
Okay.
I'm gonna turn around while I do it.
- Okay.
- I don't even want to see-- (buzzes) Aah! That hurt.
Yes.
It wasn't a normal pack of gum.
It was Shock Chewing Gum.
Now that he had paid for his crime, I wanted to be sure that Jonathan left this boat a better man.
Inside all of our anatomies, there's two parts.
There's a part that's a liar and a part that's a cool guy.
And you're letting the part that's a liar take over your whole body.
Deep down inside you, Jonathan, I know there's a good, cool guy.
And I feel like if you really work on yourself, within a few years, you could even be the one trapping people on boats.
Oh, my lord.
Okay.
(laughs) You shouldn't be laughing right now.
No, but you're so weird.
- No, Jonathan, I'm not weird.
- You are crazy.
No, I'm normal.
I teach people lessons when they do something wrong.
You're very manipulative and conniving, and I don't like it.
Whether or not Jonathan learned his lesson, I left that day knowing I had accomplished something important.
I upheld my promise and returned dignity to the name I vowed to protect by letting the world know that this is what was waiting for them if they decided to [bleep.]
with Pink's.
(screams in slow motion)