Northern Exposure s02e07 Episode Script
Slow Dance
Okay, make a gentle 60 | to the right and pull out.
We ought to go away | for a couple of days.
We haven't done that | in a long time.
Yeah.
Somewhere where | they warm the towels.
Let me see.
Make a 30 to the left, | holding altitude.
- How am I doing? | - You'll pass.
Course, sleeping with | the examiner doesn't hurt.
Let's go home.
What are you doing? The signal light.
Oh, yeah.
| It's, It's red.
Hello, Cicely, rise and shine.
| This is K-Bear, Chris in the Morning.
Hey, there's Shelly puttin' out | the breakfast special.
Everybody come on down and let me buy ya a | free breakfast, huh? Today, a belated apology to | the much-maligned Chicken Little.
Turns out you were right.
| The sky is falling.
The National Space | Administration informs us that Uncle Sam's | Comsat 4 satellite is in a rapidly decaying orbit.
That's their way of saying | a ton of angry space trash is heading back home | at 15,000 miles an hour.
So what does that make me think of? | Makes me think of a triceratops innocently munching a palm frond, | when out of the sky, whammo.
! A meteor sucker punches | old Mother Earth.
Next thing ya know, that triceratops and a hundred and | 75 million years of dinosaur evolution's | nothin' but history.
So, for the unsung | triceratops and all his kin this here song's for you.
This will make an outstanding | bed and breakfast.
Did I tell you that this home | is being considered for historical monument status? The original owner was Ivan Lubov.
Course you know who he was.
| Made a fortune in beaver hats.
Anyway, in 1911, he built this | dream home for his bride.
It's got real Italian marble.
| There's genuine rosewood floors | underneath this and, teak moldings.
It's amazing what a man'll do | for a little woman.
Heh-heh! All it needs is a coat of paint, | some Spackle.
It's move-in condition.
Give us a second.
We're prepared to offer 44,000.
Gentlemen | the, asking price is 55.
Well, that's just out of the question.
We could go up to 46,500, | but that's it.
You fellas have yourselves a deal.
Shelly? Shelly, could I have a refill? Ah, you horny toad.
No, I'm just a bear | who wants his honey.
Hi.
The FAA.
Called.
| You told them I was color blind.
Yeah.
| You told them.
Look, Rick, it was one of the hardest | decisions I ever had to make! It's bad enough you | didn't sign me off! What'd ya have to go do | a thing like that for? It's the law! I'm not that color blind.
| Oh, you're not? I just have a little problem | with red and green.
A little problem! Red means stop.
Green means go.
Maggie, they are pulling my license.
Well, I'm sorry.
You're sorry? You wreck my life and that's all you | can say? You're sorry? Look, I'm the one that should be angry.
You had no right to ask | me to be your examiner.
You knew you were color blind.
You're my girlfriend.
We live together.
| You're supposed to look out for me.
But I was looking out for you! What if I passed you and | then you got into an accident? Then what? I don't mean for you to | look out for me like that.
I mean for ya to look out for me | the way that I mean! The way that you're supposed to! It is unbelievable.
Truly incredible.
| My eyes? O'Connell.
| She would actually flunk you.
What an act of betrayal.
But I don't get - How long have you been a pilot? | - Eight years.
Well, didn't you need a physical | to get your license? Yeah.
How'd ya pass it? You know the Ishihara | test for color blindness? - It's a book.
| - Yeah.
- I memorized it.
| - Really? Well, your memory's good.
| Isn't there something I can do? No, there's nothing.
Some exercises? | Special glasses? Rick, there's nothing | wrong with your eyes.
They're perfectly normal.
You'recolor blind | color deficient actually.
A lot of men are.
| It's hereditary.
I mean, no offense, | but I personally prefer to fly with a pilot who can | see the full spectrum of colors.
Much in the same way, | if I were having neurosurgery I'd like a doctor with 10 fingers.
Still you gotta wonder.
If O'Connell would | do that to a boyfriend what would she do to someone | she kept her clothes on with? You remember that? Yeah.
You You know what we could do? We could get everybody | in town to write a letter.
Like when Cagney & Lacey | got dumped and all these people wrote | in and they put it back on TV? Maybe we could get | your wings back.
Well, listen.
| I wouldn't get too bummed out.
I got this cousin who had to stop driving a semi, 'cause this guy | hit him in the head with a tow bar.
And he is doin' just fine | sellin' lightbulbs.
Holling? I thought you two | might like some more coffee.
This Shelly, | this is Anita.
I knew her in Nome | back in the glory days.
We haven't seen each other | in what, 20 years? Yeah, but who's countin'? - Anita, this is my Shelly.
| - Hi, honey.
- Hi.
| - Oh, she's adorable.
She looks just like you.
You didn't tell me | you had a daughter.
Well, I'm not his daughter.
| I'm his What? She's my almost-wife.
Oh, my.
! | Holling Vincoeur, I should've known.
! You always were a devil! | Anita used to breed malamutes.
Had the finest sled dogs north of 60.
Nobody could handle | a pair of reins like Holling.
The dogs just loved him.
| They'd run till they dropped.
Come and sit with us.
Oh, well, I can't.
| I got some orders comin' up.
Have you been to Nome lately? | It's sad, isn't it? The old gang's all gone.
Yep.
They're either dead, | moved off or in jail.
Yeah, that's the truth.
Look at the poor guy.
| just for my own curiosity as a physician with an interest | in aberrant psychological behavior Now, why would you | do such a thing? Were you pissed at him? What, he wasn't doing his | share of the housework? As a certified flight | instructor, Fleischman I have obligations regardless | of my personal life.
You know what I think it is? I think it's this competitive | thing you have with men.
I don't think you really like us.
| Only you, Fleischman.
I mean, I know you like to have | a man between the sheets every now and then.
What I'm saying is, | I don't think you really like us.
You know, like us like us? If you weren't such a moron Fleischman, you might | understand my position.
All right.
Let me explain | to you as simply as possible.
Rick could kill himself | and then I'd be responsible.
Aha.
| Aha what? I get it.
This dead boyfriend thing.
The jinx.
The curse.
They all croak | on you.
You think Rick's doomed.
Calling you a moron | is an insult to morons.
Broccoli has more brain power.
| Brussels sprouts, cauliflower What? Where'd he go? What are you lookin' at? Okay.
Right there's fine.
Dr.
Fleischman, you gotta see this.
I came as fast as I could.
I'm sure he would have | appreciated that, Joel.
How? How'd it happen? Satellite fell on him.
The satellite? It hit Rick? | The satellite hit Rick? Well, not the whole satellite.
Some of it disintegrated comin' | in, but a good part of it, yeah.
Oh, man! | Yeah.
There's a problem.
A problem? You mean, | more than him being dead? Come on.
We better take a look.
Oh, God! I've been in combat.
I've seen men die a | hundred different ways.
But I've never, | ever seen anything like this.
- Look at him! | - Yeah.
It's like Rick and the | the satellite It's like they Merged.
Fused.
Combined into one.
| How does something like this happen? It's your basic physics.
| Let me explain reentry to you.
When this thing hit | the earth's atmosphere it was going 15,000 miles an hour.
The friction was terrific.
| This baby came in hot.
- Boy, Rick sure was lucky.
| - Lucky? He's dead.
Yeah, but how many people | get to get hit by a satellite? I'll bet he makes | the Guinness Book of World Records.
So, Joel, how do you plan | on getting 'em apart? Get 'em apart? | I Why ask me? You think they teach this | in medical school? You don't need a doctor.
You need a A | blacksmith, a metallurgist.
Yeah, it's kind of hard | to tell where Rick stops and the satellite begins.
Yeah, I guess we | better face the fact these two are inseparable.
Anyone tell Maggie? No, and when you tell her, | go easy on her.
She's had a bad run | of luck with her beaux.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
Why do I have to tell her? | I'm not gonna tell her.
Well, you're the doctor, son.
| It goes with the territory.
Hi, Maggie.
| How are you? What's your problem? May I join you? just tell me what you want, | Fleischman.
It's just I want, | I want to apologize for yesterday.
All right, Fleischman.
| What needs fixing? What? | No.
Nothing.
It's just the things | I said yesterday were thoughtless and insensitive, | and I regret them.
Yeah? What? | That's all really, and, - What? | - Well How are things? Rick didn't come home | last night, okay? If he wants to behave | like a child, then let him.
I mean, if I have to be | the bad guy, okay.
But I am not going to have | another death on my hands.
I mean | All right.
I admit it.
I do.
| I am Sensitive.
I've lost four boyfriends.
Four.
| Do you know how that feels? And, of course, I ask myself Is that me? | Is it something that I do? What is it, Fleischman? | You wanna tell me something.
I can tell by your face.
Yes, yes.
I do.
| I want to tell you something.
- What? | - A joke.
- A joke? | - Yeah.
See, this guy goes on a trip and, he leaves his cat | with his friend.
Well, he calls his friend | and asks how the cat is.
Guy says, | The cat is dead.
The guy says, "Geez.
God, couldn't you break the | news to me a little more gently? You know, lead into it "Your cat crawled up on the roof, | there was a loose tile and he took a little fall.
' | Like that.
Next month, | the guy goes on another trip.
Calls his friend | and asks how his mom is.
Guy says, Well She crawled up | on the roof and there was a loose tile.
Not bad.
Rick crawled up on the roof.
I've never seen | anything like it before.
Poor Rick.
With those things | comin' out of his head he looked like the Statue of Liberty.
Now, I don't want you to think | this kind of thing happens frequently.
No, sir.
This is a first.
Matter of fact, statistically speaking Cicely is the safest place to live | in the United States.
What do you think? Delicious.
Really good.
I think it could use just a tad | of cayenne pepper.
Maurice, do you have | any balsamic vinegar? Yeah, it's in that | cupboard right there.
Well, fellas, chow's on.
You wanna get | the pasta there, Ron? Sure.
The chaise, is it Empire? | Ah, no.
That's Country Friar.
Oh, I always get it wrong.
Erick's the antique | maven in the family.
# The corn is as high | as an elephant's eye It's a terrific collection, Maurice.
You know, he's got the | complete Mitzi Gaynor.
Yeah? - He's even got that | bootleg Ethel Merman.
- I'm glad you enjoy good music.
There are a lot of people around | here who couldn't care less.
I can imagine.
How long have you been | in the hotel game? Well, actually, | this is our first venture.
We, were in a dog-grooming business | for the last seven years.
Eight.
| Eight.
Really? All right.
| What year'd we get together? '83.
We met at Dan Presley's | Halloween party.
That was '84.
| No,'84 we were at Russian River.
That's right.
| I, forgot all about that party.
Erick came as Barbra Streisand.
- That a fact? - Anyway, last year | we're on vacation at this little bed and breakfast | in Seattle and we thought, | Now, this is a great way to live.
You know, Maurice, you move to | a new town, you set up a business It's a big step.
| You worry about things.
But already we've met someone | we have a lot in common with.
We feel very good about | makin' the move up here.
You hated the idea of statehood.
| I did not.
! Holling Vincoeur, you did too.
! Now, I remember a night | in the Last Chance.
You stood up on the bar | and you told everybody that the day Alaska became a state you could kiss | the wilderness good-bye.
Well, I'm, | Wait a minute.
- I thought Alaska was always a state.
| - Oh, no.
- Not till '59.
| - Now, just think, hon.
We were squabblin' | and fightin' back then.
You weren't even a | twinkle in your papa's eye.
I guess.
Well, anyway, I think what happened | to Rick is really the pits.
Yeah.
It was a terrible thing.
Reminds me of Abe Kellog | when he got caught in the machinery at the cannery.
They had to recall | a hundred cases of salmon.
I'll never forget that funeral watchin' them lower all those | little bitty cans into the ground.
Hey, is anybody hungry? | I could put the chicken potpies in.
You remember the day | they voted in statehood? The whole territory was one huge party.
Oh, there was dancin' in the streets.
Yeah.
Bonfires everywhere | lightin' up the sky.
And those fellas in Fairbanks | pourin' gold dye in the Chena River.
There's never been | anything like it since.
Hey, you should've seen | the beer bust we had when we beat Cessford High in the regionals.
We had a band that looked | just like Motley Crue.
And everybody got really bombed and went out and stole | people's sprinkler heads and stuff.
It was a riot.
There's my little darlin'.
You got a lot of energy.
| I sure have.
I'd think you'd be pooped after | all that yakking you did tonight.
Yeah, it was nice seeing | that ol' gal again.
How come we never talk like that? Like what? Like you and Anita.
We talk, Shelly.
| Not like that.
All we ever talk about | is moose meat and pickles and how sticky the tables get.
We never just talk talk.
Oh, honey, that's not true.
It is too! All you ever | want to do is grope me.
Well, today didn't we have | a conversation about orderin' you a new pair of shoes? That doesn't count.
You and Anita talk about | friends and stuff you did.
I wanna talk like that.
Well, Shelly, honey, | I've known Anita for 40 years.
- So? | - Well, I don't know.
With you it's different.
Come on, Shelly.
| Haven't we talked plenty just now? Rick got hit by a spaceship today.
Yeah.
Well, I think you're | bein' really selfish.
- Hi, Gary.
| - Hello, Maggie.
Gary.
I brought these for you.
They're cookies oatmeal with raisins.
Thank you.
| I thought you might be hungry.
Place sure looks nice.
| Do you wanna come in? Thanks.
| Hah.
So, Gary, would you like some tea? I was just about to make a cup.
You know, Maggie, me and | Rick were real good friends.
Yeah, I know that, Gary.
Last winter, fishin' on Lake Kachuga, | we fell through the ice together.
I lost two toes.
| Yeah, Rick told me about that.
Point is, if Rick could talk, | you know what I think he'd say? I think he'd say ol' Gary | ought to get first shot.
At what? You.
First shot.
I mean, now that you're single.
Well, wait a minute.
Whoa.
| You came here to hit on me? Oh, I'm not afraid even if you are poison.
Hell, I been alone so long, | I'd be happy with two good weeks.
Rick's not even buried yet.
Well, I could wait a couple days | if you'd feel more comfortable.
I want you to leave right now.
There's electricity up at my place | and my pickup's all paid for.
- Go! | - Okay.
just one thing I lent Rick my set | of crescent wrenches.
Get out! Now! Go! When I heard about Rick, first thing | I thought was, Klaatu barada nikto those immortal words | which toggled off the robot Gort in The Day the Earth Stood Still.
You know, when that movie was made, | robots werejust stuff of fiction.
But, hey, not anymore, | with artificial intelligence and robotics, bio-implants.
Not only are we making smart machines, | we're becoming smart machines.
So what's all this got to do with Rick, | you ask? Well, I'm just thinking he might be the next step in this | evolutionary process.
Dig this: Yesterday when NASA's sweet flower | of the imagination married Rick he crossed the line | between man and machine.
He became the future | Homo Novus, the new man.
Think about that.
Hey, boss, what's up? I brought you some things from home.
I'm not going to be | needing 'em anymore.
Oh, yeah? Thanks.
Yeah.
Pasta maker, | Cuisinart, soufflé dish.
Wait a second.
This is all your gourmet stuff.
From | now on, I'm sticking to barbecue.
Fondue pot.
Boy, I've had some good times | with this baby.
Maurice, I don't have a kitchen.
| Well, you might someday.
And let me just say this: | All the great chefs in the world were notorious womanizers, | real skirt-chasers.
You know what I'm talking about? | No, I don't think so.
Well, they were.
| Do you like, Judy Garland? How 'bout Gwen Verdon? | All right.
What's goin' on? Chris, when I mention show tunes | to you, what image does that conjure up in your mind? Homosexuals, I guess.
- There you go! - What do you Is | that what this is about? Two deviants whom I unsuspectingly | invited into my home deduced from my things things of beauty | things that I used to get innocent pleasure from that I was, in | fact, a fellow traveler.
Maurice Minnifield has never had an impure thought about | another man in his life.
! Well, there-there was one unsettling dream where I was | wrestling with David Niven.
But I swear to you, nothing happened.
I will not be perceived by | anybody as anything other than a dyed-in-the-wool hetero! | You know what? You better hold on to this stuff.
You haven't been listening | to a word I've said, have you? Yes, I have.
And the thing is, Maurice you don't wanna appear | to be overreacting.
All right? | You wanna present an image of a man who's very | comfortable with his sexuality.
just what in the hell | are you talking about? Men who are freaked by homosexuals they usually have tendencies | in that direction themselves.
Now, don't you start in on me! | There's no hidden agenda here! This is legitimate outrage.
Now, if you don't | want this stuff, fine.
Fine.
I'll find somebody who does.
Is there something | I can help you with, Shelly? You got any history books? Yeah, right over here | next to theosophy.
It's been a long time | since I've been in a library.
My junior year | I had detention in the library.
But I just sat there.
Oh, here's a good book | Lucretia Mott, Her Story.
She was one of | the early suffragettes.
Hmm.
Did she do her suffering | in the '50s? No, honey.
| It was before that.
No, I really need something | about the '50s.
Oh.
'50s.
Hmm.
Oh, how about this? john Foster Dulles, | The Soviet Threat to Western Europe Strategy and Tactics of Containment.
That sounds good.
There're a couple pages | missing in the second chapter.
I had a little leak in | the roof last spring and, there was some water | damage.
Oh, well, that's okay.
Here is The U.
S.
Department of | Agriculture Grain Report for 1957.
Abstract Expressionism.
Here's Baseball's Greatest | The Story of Mickey Mantle.
- What? | - Your hair.
- What about my hair? | - How'd you get it that color? I didn't.
It's natural.
| You are so lucky.
I'm just old, Shelly.
Yeah.
That's what I mean.
All right.
| I get five feet one inch.
Maurice, hi.
All right.
The deal's off.
Get.
Maurice.
| What're you talking about? We didn't sign anything.
I've changed my mind.
| Now, get off my property.
Why? What happened? I don't owe you any explanation.
- I think you do.
| - Yeah? - Yeah! | - All right.
I'll lay my cards on the table.
| I've got a vision for Cicely.
That vision does not | include Fire Island.
It does not include San Francisco.
It also does not include hairdressers, | interior designers florists or dog groomers.
You two get my drift? | Spare us the theatrics, Maurice.
- Look, I'm serious | here.
I'm not joking.
- Hey, I'm not above using the no fairies allowed | routine myself, you know.
- How much do you want? | - That's not it! We agreed on 46,500.
- How 'bout 48? | - I'm talking morality here, not money! Fifty.
You fellas aren't | listening to me, are you? What do you think, Erick? | Oh, I don't know.
- All right.
If you think so.
| - What? We'll go the asking price 55.
- Fifty-five? | - And not a penny more, Maurice.
- Fifty-five? | - That's carved in stone.
I mean it.
Here's a deposit.
We want your answer | before noon tomorrow or we're out of here.
Fifty-five? # Is that all there is # If that's all there is my friends # Then let's keep dancing # Let's break out the booze # And have a ball # If that's all # There is Hi, everybody.
You know, that was one | of Rick's favorite songs.
- Yeah.
Ed, any word yet? | - I'll check.
Sorry about the delay but Rick's coffin needed | a little customizing.
But I guess I don't really mind | starting without him because a funeral is really more | for the survivors than anybody else.
And, in this case that's Maggie who's been a survivor more | times than she'd like to count.
I know you all remember | Rick's predecessor, Dave.
He fell asleep on a glacier | and froze to death.
But before Dave, | there was Glen.
And Glen, in his Volvo, | took a wrong turn and ended up on a missile test range.
And then there was Bruce, | victim of a terrible fishing accident.
And then there was Harry.
| Remember Harry? He died when he was out, | at the, How was it? - Picnic.
| - I'm sorry.
I couldn't hear you.
- At a picnic.
| - Picnic.
Right.
Potato salad.
Folks, a lot of people would look at this string of | five deaths and say This is weird.
Something really | strange is going on here.
But I just want to say, Maggie on behalf of all of us, | that we don't think it's your fault and we don't believe in any curse.
Right, everybody? Hey, come on.
| You can do better than that.
Right, everybody? He's here.
Watch yourself.
| Watch yourself.
Watch out.
Easy.
Hold it.
Holy cow.
Well, here's Rick.
Hey, cut it out! A man has died.
! Chris.
! The man is dead.
! Shelly? - Shelly! | - Hello, dear.
Well, you Would you like an onion or | an olive in your martini? Olive, I guess.
You look different.
I borrowed a few things | from Ruth-Anne.
So, what's your opinion about | Ethel and Julius Rosenberg? - Who? | - The atom bomb spies.
Oh, dinner's ready.
Hot dog and cheese casserole.
Shelly, it's midnight.
So? Well, I thought maybe | you might like to cuddle a little.
I mean, you didn't | feel like it last night.
There is a lot more to life | than nooky, Holling.
Would you like some ketchup? | No, thanks.
You know, I think Grace Kelly was | a lot cuter than Audrey Hepburn.
It's too bad she stopped | making movies.
But you can understand it.
I mean, she got to | marry a real-life prince.
That's a lot better | than being a movie star.
Remember her wedding dress? Wow.
That must | have cost some bucks.
But I guess, if you own your own | country you can afford it.
You're not saying much.
Anyway, that Salk vaccine | was really bitchin'.
I don't think kids today | really appreciate it.
They're too young.
They | don't know what it was like before.
I went to school with | a girl who had a clubfoot.
But that was a drop in the bucket | compared to polio.
And you know Dulles was right.
We really shafted | Eastern Europe at Yalta.
I mean, you can't blame Hungary | for getting all wigged out.
I'd get pissed off, too, | if some bozo like Khrushchev tried to tell me what | to do.
Wouldn't you? I wouldn't let him | go see Disneyland either.
Holling? Holling! Don't you have an opinion | about anything? I go to all this trouble.
I get dressed up, I cook dinner I try to have a nice conversation, | and what do you do? You You just sit there like a lump.
! Maggie, let me give you | some perspective on this.
I had an uncle who was considered | a jinx by everybody until he won a raffle | at the Oktoberfest.
It was, a set of encyclopedias.
And after that everybody considered | him their best friend.
Yeah.
Maggie.
! Oh, there you are.
| I've been looking all over for you.
I Maggie, I feel so bad about Rick.
Thanks.
You know what? I was hoping you'd come have | dinner with me and Bill tonight.
Oh, I don't know, Val.
I'm not feeling very sociable.
| You have to eat, Maggie.
You know what? I'll have Bill whip up his famous | molasses marinade for the salmon.
Oh, please.
It would mean a lot to me.
| What do you say? Well, You know, it would be good | for you and Bill to I don't know get to know each other, | spend a little time together.
Me and Bill? I'll make an excuse.
Who knows? | One thing might lead to another.
Are you suggesting | that Bill and I have an affair? Well, the truth is, | Maggie, I'll tell I can't stand to look at him.
You want me to kill him? Just date him.
Yeah.
| Let nature take its course.
Shelly, please.
| Shel, I said I was sorry.
Tuna melt, mooseburger, | spaghetti and meatballs.
Shelly! | Would you tell Mr.
Vincoeur that I do not wish to speak to him? I heard.
Tell him he had his chance | to talk last night! She says Tell him I may not be as old as | some of his other girlfriends but I can carry on a conversation | just like anybody else.
! Shelly, it isn't like that.
| Shelly, you have got to listen to me.
If this is about Anita, | you have got no reason to be upset.
Shelly, you can chop | as long as you want to but you're gonna hear me out! Now, I don't care if | you're not as old as she is.
I don't care if we got no | past, if we got no history.
I don't care if we got | practically nothing in common! It's just not important to me! I don't want somebody | just to talk to.
Good Lord, Shelly.
| Two people can only talk so much.
Then what? There's gotta | be more Somethin' to do after you're done talkin'.
You understand? I love you, Shelly.
So what if you are 40 years | younger than me? I love your youth.
You keep me stirred up | 24 hours a day.
Half the time I don't know | whether I'm comin' or goin'.
I I look at you, I swear I don't care about your mind.
I want you for your body.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, Holling.
- I'm gonna go to lunch.
| - You wanna go? What time is it? - 'Bout 12:00.
| - Damn.
What's the matter? | This is a $5,000 deposit on a house that's not worth $40,000, | much less the $55,000 these people are offering me.
What's the problem? Well, at 46,500, | I had a moral compass, Chris.
But at 55, I'm lost.
I Half of me says, | Take the money, you fool.
The other half says, | Don't sell to these two guys.
You're still hung up | on the gay thing, huh? I don't care what consenting perverts | do in their own home.
I just don't want 'em doin' it | in my backyard, that's all.
If I let these two in, | they've got a beachhead, a toehold.
Before you know it, | old Cicely'll be awash in nancy boys.
Well, Maurice, if that's how you feel you probably better just give | the money back.
But they're overpaying! | I'll never find buyers like that again.
Yeah.
Maybe there's a way for you | to take the money and feel good too.
Yeah? Yeah.
Think about it: You and gay men, you share a lot | of the same common values, right? Now, you just hold on a minute there.
If you're talking about | gourmet cooking and antiques No, no, no.
I'm talking about | your military tradition discipline, honor, loyalty | that kind of thing.
Well, what in the hell | are you talking about? All right.
Take the Janissaries.
| Yeah? The elite troops | of the Ottoman Empire.
For a couple hundred years they were the most gung ho, | bloodthirsty army in the world.
They murdered millions of people.
They leveled countless cities.
They tortured, they | pillaged, you name it.
And you're saying | these guys were It's a well-known fact.
| They preferred the company of men.
# He's neglectin' our romance - # For the Mambo - Maggie, you really | ought to eat something.
# He just loves that crazy dance | called the Mambo # Mambo baby # Mambo baby | Oh, Mambo baby You know, I was thinking, if you | carved up the master suites you'd have another full bedroom.
Hey, let's freshen these up.
Shelly! Another round for my colleagues here.
Hi.
Boy, you know, | I hate it when you smoke.
I'm gonna show you a picture | of a smoker's lung sometime.
If that doesn't make you stop | Why are you here, Fleischman? To tell me more jokes? Maggie, I'm sorry about Rick.
| I am.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't | think up a better way to tell you.
Now that you said | what you needed to say you better get out of here before you get hit in the head | with a safe or a piano or you get struck | with a bolt of lightning.
Are you buying into that nonsense? | You believe it? Hey.
As a doctor, as a man of science I can tell you, there is | no such thing as curses.
Everything just happens | as a question of probability the statistical likelihood | of a specific event.
Fleischman For instance, | if a man falls to sleep on a glacier it is highly probable | he will freeze to death.
Likewise, if a man sits | on a mountainside, there's some probability | now, albeit slight that he will get hit by a satellite.
Your having a relationship | with those men is inconsequential.
It simply does not enter into | the equation.
- Are you done, Mr.
Wizard? | - No.
To tell you the truth Move over.
I don't like seeing you like this.
| It bothers me.
Now, don't get any ideas, | but I have more than just a professional interest | in your well-being.
I'm not afraid of you, O'Connell.
| You hear that? Everyone, I am not afraid | of Maggie O'Connell.
! No, I am not.
| I do not believe in voodoo.
! - Fleischman, sit down.
| - Come on.
Let's dance.
I don't wanna dance.
| This is a great song.
- I don't care.
- If you don't dance | with me, O'Connell you know what you're doing? You're turning your back on reason | on mankind's struggle to pull itself out of the mire | of ignorance and superstition.
You are saying yes to | witch hunters and inquisitors you are slamming the | door on enlightenment and you are | you are inviting back the Dark Ages.
I am not doing this for you, O'Connell.
| I am doing this For civilization.
# And life is like a song What do you say Pretty please | # Oh, yeah, yeah # At last # The skies above are blue # My heart was wrapped up in clover # The night I looked at you # I found a dream - Shelly.
| - # That I could speak to # A dream that I # Can call my own # I found a thrill # To press my cheek to # A thrill that I have # Never known - # Oh, yeah | - Not bad, Fleischman.
I'm surprised.
'Cause when you walk you're a little clumsy You know, | your right foot toes-in.
Yeah, well, I had to wear | special shoes when I was a kid.
People make fun of you? Nah.
I had poison blades in | the toes just like Rosa Kleb.
Nobody messed with me.
| # And here we are # In heaven # For you are mine # At last
We ought to go away | for a couple of days.
We haven't done that | in a long time.
Yeah.
Somewhere where | they warm the towels.
Let me see.
Make a 30 to the left, | holding altitude.
- How am I doing? | - You'll pass.
Course, sleeping with | the examiner doesn't hurt.
Let's go home.
What are you doing? The signal light.
Oh, yeah.
| It's, It's red.
Hello, Cicely, rise and shine.
| This is K-Bear, Chris in the Morning.
Hey, there's Shelly puttin' out | the breakfast special.
Everybody come on down and let me buy ya a | free breakfast, huh? Today, a belated apology to | the much-maligned Chicken Little.
Turns out you were right.
| The sky is falling.
The National Space | Administration informs us that Uncle Sam's | Comsat 4 satellite is in a rapidly decaying orbit.
That's their way of saying | a ton of angry space trash is heading back home | at 15,000 miles an hour.
So what does that make me think of? | Makes me think of a triceratops innocently munching a palm frond, | when out of the sky, whammo.
! A meteor sucker punches | old Mother Earth.
Next thing ya know, that triceratops and a hundred and | 75 million years of dinosaur evolution's | nothin' but history.
So, for the unsung | triceratops and all his kin this here song's for you.
This will make an outstanding | bed and breakfast.
Did I tell you that this home | is being considered for historical monument status? The original owner was Ivan Lubov.
Course you know who he was.
| Made a fortune in beaver hats.
Anyway, in 1911, he built this | dream home for his bride.
It's got real Italian marble.
| There's genuine rosewood floors | underneath this and, teak moldings.
It's amazing what a man'll do | for a little woman.
Heh-heh! All it needs is a coat of paint, | some Spackle.
It's move-in condition.
Give us a second.
We're prepared to offer 44,000.
Gentlemen | the, asking price is 55.
Well, that's just out of the question.
We could go up to 46,500, | but that's it.
You fellas have yourselves a deal.
Shelly? Shelly, could I have a refill? Ah, you horny toad.
No, I'm just a bear | who wants his honey.
Hi.
The FAA.
Called.
| You told them I was color blind.
Yeah.
| You told them.
Look, Rick, it was one of the hardest | decisions I ever had to make! It's bad enough you | didn't sign me off! What'd ya have to go do | a thing like that for? It's the law! I'm not that color blind.
| Oh, you're not? I just have a little problem | with red and green.
A little problem! Red means stop.
Green means go.
Maggie, they are pulling my license.
Well, I'm sorry.
You're sorry? You wreck my life and that's all you | can say? You're sorry? Look, I'm the one that should be angry.
You had no right to ask | me to be your examiner.
You knew you were color blind.
You're my girlfriend.
We live together.
| You're supposed to look out for me.
But I was looking out for you! What if I passed you and | then you got into an accident? Then what? I don't mean for you to | look out for me like that.
I mean for ya to look out for me | the way that I mean! The way that you're supposed to! It is unbelievable.
Truly incredible.
| My eyes? O'Connell.
| She would actually flunk you.
What an act of betrayal.
But I don't get - How long have you been a pilot? | - Eight years.
Well, didn't you need a physical | to get your license? Yeah.
How'd ya pass it? You know the Ishihara | test for color blindness? - It's a book.
| - Yeah.
- I memorized it.
| - Really? Well, your memory's good.
| Isn't there something I can do? No, there's nothing.
Some exercises? | Special glasses? Rick, there's nothing | wrong with your eyes.
They're perfectly normal.
You'recolor blind | color deficient actually.
A lot of men are.
| It's hereditary.
I mean, no offense, | but I personally prefer to fly with a pilot who can | see the full spectrum of colors.
Much in the same way, | if I were having neurosurgery I'd like a doctor with 10 fingers.
Still you gotta wonder.
If O'Connell would | do that to a boyfriend what would she do to someone | she kept her clothes on with? You remember that? Yeah.
You You know what we could do? We could get everybody | in town to write a letter.
Like when Cagney & Lacey | got dumped and all these people wrote | in and they put it back on TV? Maybe we could get | your wings back.
Well, listen.
| I wouldn't get too bummed out.
I got this cousin who had to stop driving a semi, 'cause this guy | hit him in the head with a tow bar.
And he is doin' just fine | sellin' lightbulbs.
Holling? I thought you two | might like some more coffee.
This Shelly, | this is Anita.
I knew her in Nome | back in the glory days.
We haven't seen each other | in what, 20 years? Yeah, but who's countin'? - Anita, this is my Shelly.
| - Hi, honey.
- Hi.
| - Oh, she's adorable.
She looks just like you.
You didn't tell me | you had a daughter.
Well, I'm not his daughter.
| I'm his What? She's my almost-wife.
Oh, my.
! | Holling Vincoeur, I should've known.
! You always were a devil! | Anita used to breed malamutes.
Had the finest sled dogs north of 60.
Nobody could handle | a pair of reins like Holling.
The dogs just loved him.
| They'd run till they dropped.
Come and sit with us.
Oh, well, I can't.
| I got some orders comin' up.
Have you been to Nome lately? | It's sad, isn't it? The old gang's all gone.
Yep.
They're either dead, | moved off or in jail.
Yeah, that's the truth.
Look at the poor guy.
| just for my own curiosity as a physician with an interest | in aberrant psychological behavior Now, why would you | do such a thing? Were you pissed at him? What, he wasn't doing his | share of the housework? As a certified flight | instructor, Fleischman I have obligations regardless | of my personal life.
You know what I think it is? I think it's this competitive | thing you have with men.
I don't think you really like us.
| Only you, Fleischman.
I mean, I know you like to have | a man between the sheets every now and then.
What I'm saying is, | I don't think you really like us.
You know, like us like us? If you weren't such a moron Fleischman, you might | understand my position.
All right.
Let me explain | to you as simply as possible.
Rick could kill himself | and then I'd be responsible.
Aha.
| Aha what? I get it.
This dead boyfriend thing.
The jinx.
The curse.
They all croak | on you.
You think Rick's doomed.
Calling you a moron | is an insult to morons.
Broccoli has more brain power.
| Brussels sprouts, cauliflower What? Where'd he go? What are you lookin' at? Okay.
Right there's fine.
Dr.
Fleischman, you gotta see this.
I came as fast as I could.
I'm sure he would have | appreciated that, Joel.
How? How'd it happen? Satellite fell on him.
The satellite? It hit Rick? | The satellite hit Rick? Well, not the whole satellite.
Some of it disintegrated comin' | in, but a good part of it, yeah.
Oh, man! | Yeah.
There's a problem.
A problem? You mean, | more than him being dead? Come on.
We better take a look.
Oh, God! I've been in combat.
I've seen men die a | hundred different ways.
But I've never, | ever seen anything like this.
- Look at him! | - Yeah.
It's like Rick and the | the satellite It's like they Merged.
Fused.
Combined into one.
| How does something like this happen? It's your basic physics.
| Let me explain reentry to you.
When this thing hit | the earth's atmosphere it was going 15,000 miles an hour.
The friction was terrific.
| This baby came in hot.
- Boy, Rick sure was lucky.
| - Lucky? He's dead.
Yeah, but how many people | get to get hit by a satellite? I'll bet he makes | the Guinness Book of World Records.
So, Joel, how do you plan | on getting 'em apart? Get 'em apart? | I Why ask me? You think they teach this | in medical school? You don't need a doctor.
You need a A | blacksmith, a metallurgist.
Yeah, it's kind of hard | to tell where Rick stops and the satellite begins.
Yeah, I guess we | better face the fact these two are inseparable.
Anyone tell Maggie? No, and when you tell her, | go easy on her.
She's had a bad run | of luck with her beaux.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
Why do I have to tell her? | I'm not gonna tell her.
Well, you're the doctor, son.
| It goes with the territory.
Hi, Maggie.
| How are you? What's your problem? May I join you? just tell me what you want, | Fleischman.
It's just I want, | I want to apologize for yesterday.
All right, Fleischman.
| What needs fixing? What? | No.
Nothing.
It's just the things | I said yesterday were thoughtless and insensitive, | and I regret them.
Yeah? What? | That's all really, and, - What? | - Well How are things? Rick didn't come home | last night, okay? If he wants to behave | like a child, then let him.
I mean, if I have to be | the bad guy, okay.
But I am not going to have | another death on my hands.
I mean | All right.
I admit it.
I do.
| I am Sensitive.
I've lost four boyfriends.
Four.
| Do you know how that feels? And, of course, I ask myself Is that me? | Is it something that I do? What is it, Fleischman? | You wanna tell me something.
I can tell by your face.
Yes, yes.
I do.
| I want to tell you something.
- What? | - A joke.
- A joke? | - Yeah.
See, this guy goes on a trip and, he leaves his cat | with his friend.
Well, he calls his friend | and asks how the cat is.
Guy says, | The cat is dead.
The guy says, "Geez.
God, couldn't you break the | news to me a little more gently? You know, lead into it "Your cat crawled up on the roof, | there was a loose tile and he took a little fall.
' | Like that.
Next month, | the guy goes on another trip.
Calls his friend | and asks how his mom is.
Guy says, Well She crawled up | on the roof and there was a loose tile.
Not bad.
Rick crawled up on the roof.
I've never seen | anything like it before.
Poor Rick.
With those things | comin' out of his head he looked like the Statue of Liberty.
Now, I don't want you to think | this kind of thing happens frequently.
No, sir.
This is a first.
Matter of fact, statistically speaking Cicely is the safest place to live | in the United States.
What do you think? Delicious.
Really good.
I think it could use just a tad | of cayenne pepper.
Maurice, do you have | any balsamic vinegar? Yeah, it's in that | cupboard right there.
Well, fellas, chow's on.
You wanna get | the pasta there, Ron? Sure.
The chaise, is it Empire? | Ah, no.
That's Country Friar.
Oh, I always get it wrong.
Erick's the antique | maven in the family.
# The corn is as high | as an elephant's eye It's a terrific collection, Maurice.
You know, he's got the | complete Mitzi Gaynor.
Yeah? - He's even got that | bootleg Ethel Merman.
- I'm glad you enjoy good music.
There are a lot of people around | here who couldn't care less.
I can imagine.
How long have you been | in the hotel game? Well, actually, | this is our first venture.
We, were in a dog-grooming business | for the last seven years.
Eight.
| Eight.
Really? All right.
| What year'd we get together? '83.
We met at Dan Presley's | Halloween party.
That was '84.
| No,'84 we were at Russian River.
That's right.
| I, forgot all about that party.
Erick came as Barbra Streisand.
- That a fact? - Anyway, last year | we're on vacation at this little bed and breakfast | in Seattle and we thought, | Now, this is a great way to live.
You know, Maurice, you move to | a new town, you set up a business It's a big step.
| You worry about things.
But already we've met someone | we have a lot in common with.
We feel very good about | makin' the move up here.
You hated the idea of statehood.
| I did not.
! Holling Vincoeur, you did too.
! Now, I remember a night | in the Last Chance.
You stood up on the bar | and you told everybody that the day Alaska became a state you could kiss | the wilderness good-bye.
Well, I'm, | Wait a minute.
- I thought Alaska was always a state.
| - Oh, no.
- Not till '59.
| - Now, just think, hon.
We were squabblin' | and fightin' back then.
You weren't even a | twinkle in your papa's eye.
I guess.
Well, anyway, I think what happened | to Rick is really the pits.
Yeah.
It was a terrible thing.
Reminds me of Abe Kellog | when he got caught in the machinery at the cannery.
They had to recall | a hundred cases of salmon.
I'll never forget that funeral watchin' them lower all those | little bitty cans into the ground.
Hey, is anybody hungry? | I could put the chicken potpies in.
You remember the day | they voted in statehood? The whole territory was one huge party.
Oh, there was dancin' in the streets.
Yeah.
Bonfires everywhere | lightin' up the sky.
And those fellas in Fairbanks | pourin' gold dye in the Chena River.
There's never been | anything like it since.
Hey, you should've seen | the beer bust we had when we beat Cessford High in the regionals.
We had a band that looked | just like Motley Crue.
And everybody got really bombed and went out and stole | people's sprinkler heads and stuff.
It was a riot.
There's my little darlin'.
You got a lot of energy.
| I sure have.
I'd think you'd be pooped after | all that yakking you did tonight.
Yeah, it was nice seeing | that ol' gal again.
How come we never talk like that? Like what? Like you and Anita.
We talk, Shelly.
| Not like that.
All we ever talk about | is moose meat and pickles and how sticky the tables get.
We never just talk talk.
Oh, honey, that's not true.
It is too! All you ever | want to do is grope me.
Well, today didn't we have | a conversation about orderin' you a new pair of shoes? That doesn't count.
You and Anita talk about | friends and stuff you did.
I wanna talk like that.
Well, Shelly, honey, | I've known Anita for 40 years.
- So? | - Well, I don't know.
With you it's different.
Come on, Shelly.
| Haven't we talked plenty just now? Rick got hit by a spaceship today.
Yeah.
Well, I think you're | bein' really selfish.
- Hi, Gary.
| - Hello, Maggie.
Gary.
I brought these for you.
They're cookies oatmeal with raisins.
Thank you.
| I thought you might be hungry.
Place sure looks nice.
| Do you wanna come in? Thanks.
| Hah.
So, Gary, would you like some tea? I was just about to make a cup.
You know, Maggie, me and | Rick were real good friends.
Yeah, I know that, Gary.
Last winter, fishin' on Lake Kachuga, | we fell through the ice together.
I lost two toes.
| Yeah, Rick told me about that.
Point is, if Rick could talk, | you know what I think he'd say? I think he'd say ol' Gary | ought to get first shot.
At what? You.
First shot.
I mean, now that you're single.
Well, wait a minute.
Whoa.
| You came here to hit on me? Oh, I'm not afraid even if you are poison.
Hell, I been alone so long, | I'd be happy with two good weeks.
Rick's not even buried yet.
Well, I could wait a couple days | if you'd feel more comfortable.
I want you to leave right now.
There's electricity up at my place | and my pickup's all paid for.
- Go! | - Okay.
just one thing I lent Rick my set | of crescent wrenches.
Get out! Now! Go! When I heard about Rick, first thing | I thought was, Klaatu barada nikto those immortal words | which toggled off the robot Gort in The Day the Earth Stood Still.
You know, when that movie was made, | robots werejust stuff of fiction.
But, hey, not anymore, | with artificial intelligence and robotics, bio-implants.
Not only are we making smart machines, | we're becoming smart machines.
So what's all this got to do with Rick, | you ask? Well, I'm just thinking he might be the next step in this | evolutionary process.
Dig this: Yesterday when NASA's sweet flower | of the imagination married Rick he crossed the line | between man and machine.
He became the future | Homo Novus, the new man.
Think about that.
Hey, boss, what's up? I brought you some things from home.
I'm not going to be | needing 'em anymore.
Oh, yeah? Thanks.
Yeah.
Pasta maker, | Cuisinart, soufflé dish.
Wait a second.
This is all your gourmet stuff.
From | now on, I'm sticking to barbecue.
Fondue pot.
Boy, I've had some good times | with this baby.
Maurice, I don't have a kitchen.
| Well, you might someday.
And let me just say this: | All the great chefs in the world were notorious womanizers, | real skirt-chasers.
You know what I'm talking about? | No, I don't think so.
Well, they were.
| Do you like, Judy Garland? How 'bout Gwen Verdon? | All right.
What's goin' on? Chris, when I mention show tunes | to you, what image does that conjure up in your mind? Homosexuals, I guess.
- There you go! - What do you Is | that what this is about? Two deviants whom I unsuspectingly | invited into my home deduced from my things things of beauty | things that I used to get innocent pleasure from that I was, in | fact, a fellow traveler.
Maurice Minnifield has never had an impure thought about | another man in his life.
! Well, there-there was one unsettling dream where I was | wrestling with David Niven.
But I swear to you, nothing happened.
I will not be perceived by | anybody as anything other than a dyed-in-the-wool hetero! | You know what? You better hold on to this stuff.
You haven't been listening | to a word I've said, have you? Yes, I have.
And the thing is, Maurice you don't wanna appear | to be overreacting.
All right? | You wanna present an image of a man who's very | comfortable with his sexuality.
just what in the hell | are you talking about? Men who are freaked by homosexuals they usually have tendencies | in that direction themselves.
Now, don't you start in on me! | There's no hidden agenda here! This is legitimate outrage.
Now, if you don't | want this stuff, fine.
Fine.
I'll find somebody who does.
Is there something | I can help you with, Shelly? You got any history books? Yeah, right over here | next to theosophy.
It's been a long time | since I've been in a library.
My junior year | I had detention in the library.
But I just sat there.
Oh, here's a good book | Lucretia Mott, Her Story.
She was one of | the early suffragettes.
Hmm.
Did she do her suffering | in the '50s? No, honey.
| It was before that.
No, I really need something | about the '50s.
Oh.
'50s.
Hmm.
Oh, how about this? john Foster Dulles, | The Soviet Threat to Western Europe Strategy and Tactics of Containment.
That sounds good.
There're a couple pages | missing in the second chapter.
I had a little leak in | the roof last spring and, there was some water | damage.
Oh, well, that's okay.
Here is The U.
S.
Department of | Agriculture Grain Report for 1957.
Abstract Expressionism.
Here's Baseball's Greatest | The Story of Mickey Mantle.
- What? | - Your hair.
- What about my hair? | - How'd you get it that color? I didn't.
It's natural.
| You are so lucky.
I'm just old, Shelly.
Yeah.
That's what I mean.
All right.
| I get five feet one inch.
Maurice, hi.
All right.
The deal's off.
Get.
Maurice.
| What're you talking about? We didn't sign anything.
I've changed my mind.
| Now, get off my property.
Why? What happened? I don't owe you any explanation.
- I think you do.
| - Yeah? - Yeah! | - All right.
I'll lay my cards on the table.
| I've got a vision for Cicely.
That vision does not | include Fire Island.
It does not include San Francisco.
It also does not include hairdressers, | interior designers florists or dog groomers.
You two get my drift? | Spare us the theatrics, Maurice.
- Look, I'm serious | here.
I'm not joking.
- Hey, I'm not above using the no fairies allowed | routine myself, you know.
- How much do you want? | - That's not it! We agreed on 46,500.
- How 'bout 48? | - I'm talking morality here, not money! Fifty.
You fellas aren't | listening to me, are you? What do you think, Erick? | Oh, I don't know.
- All right.
If you think so.
| - What? We'll go the asking price 55.
- Fifty-five? | - And not a penny more, Maurice.
- Fifty-five? | - That's carved in stone.
I mean it.
Here's a deposit.
We want your answer | before noon tomorrow or we're out of here.
Fifty-five? # Is that all there is # If that's all there is my friends # Then let's keep dancing # Let's break out the booze # And have a ball # If that's all # There is Hi, everybody.
You know, that was one | of Rick's favorite songs.
- Yeah.
Ed, any word yet? | - I'll check.
Sorry about the delay but Rick's coffin needed | a little customizing.
But I guess I don't really mind | starting without him because a funeral is really more | for the survivors than anybody else.
And, in this case that's Maggie who's been a survivor more | times than she'd like to count.
I know you all remember | Rick's predecessor, Dave.
He fell asleep on a glacier | and froze to death.
But before Dave, | there was Glen.
And Glen, in his Volvo, | took a wrong turn and ended up on a missile test range.
And then there was Bruce, | victim of a terrible fishing accident.
And then there was Harry.
| Remember Harry? He died when he was out, | at the, How was it? - Picnic.
| - I'm sorry.
I couldn't hear you.
- At a picnic.
| - Picnic.
Right.
Potato salad.
Folks, a lot of people would look at this string of | five deaths and say This is weird.
Something really | strange is going on here.
But I just want to say, Maggie on behalf of all of us, | that we don't think it's your fault and we don't believe in any curse.
Right, everybody? Hey, come on.
| You can do better than that.
Right, everybody? He's here.
Watch yourself.
| Watch yourself.
Watch out.
Easy.
Hold it.
Holy cow.
Well, here's Rick.
Hey, cut it out! A man has died.
! Chris.
! The man is dead.
! Shelly? - Shelly! | - Hello, dear.
Well, you Would you like an onion or | an olive in your martini? Olive, I guess.
You look different.
I borrowed a few things | from Ruth-Anne.
So, what's your opinion about | Ethel and Julius Rosenberg? - Who? | - The atom bomb spies.
Oh, dinner's ready.
Hot dog and cheese casserole.
Shelly, it's midnight.
So? Well, I thought maybe | you might like to cuddle a little.
I mean, you didn't | feel like it last night.
There is a lot more to life | than nooky, Holling.
Would you like some ketchup? | No, thanks.
You know, I think Grace Kelly was | a lot cuter than Audrey Hepburn.
It's too bad she stopped | making movies.
But you can understand it.
I mean, she got to | marry a real-life prince.
That's a lot better | than being a movie star.
Remember her wedding dress? Wow.
That must | have cost some bucks.
But I guess, if you own your own | country you can afford it.
You're not saying much.
Anyway, that Salk vaccine | was really bitchin'.
I don't think kids today | really appreciate it.
They're too young.
They | don't know what it was like before.
I went to school with | a girl who had a clubfoot.
But that was a drop in the bucket | compared to polio.
And you know Dulles was right.
We really shafted | Eastern Europe at Yalta.
I mean, you can't blame Hungary | for getting all wigged out.
I'd get pissed off, too, | if some bozo like Khrushchev tried to tell me what | to do.
Wouldn't you? I wouldn't let him | go see Disneyland either.
Holling? Holling! Don't you have an opinion | about anything? I go to all this trouble.
I get dressed up, I cook dinner I try to have a nice conversation, | and what do you do? You You just sit there like a lump.
! Maggie, let me give you | some perspective on this.
I had an uncle who was considered | a jinx by everybody until he won a raffle | at the Oktoberfest.
It was, a set of encyclopedias.
And after that everybody considered | him their best friend.
Yeah.
Maggie.
! Oh, there you are.
| I've been looking all over for you.
I Maggie, I feel so bad about Rick.
Thanks.
You know what? I was hoping you'd come have | dinner with me and Bill tonight.
Oh, I don't know, Val.
I'm not feeling very sociable.
| You have to eat, Maggie.
You know what? I'll have Bill whip up his famous | molasses marinade for the salmon.
Oh, please.
It would mean a lot to me.
| What do you say? Well, You know, it would be good | for you and Bill to I don't know get to know each other, | spend a little time together.
Me and Bill? I'll make an excuse.
Who knows? | One thing might lead to another.
Are you suggesting | that Bill and I have an affair? Well, the truth is, | Maggie, I'll tell I can't stand to look at him.
You want me to kill him? Just date him.
Yeah.
| Let nature take its course.
Shelly, please.
| Shel, I said I was sorry.
Tuna melt, mooseburger, | spaghetti and meatballs.
Shelly! | Would you tell Mr.
Vincoeur that I do not wish to speak to him? I heard.
Tell him he had his chance | to talk last night! She says Tell him I may not be as old as | some of his other girlfriends but I can carry on a conversation | just like anybody else.
! Shelly, it isn't like that.
| Shelly, you have got to listen to me.
If this is about Anita, | you have got no reason to be upset.
Shelly, you can chop | as long as you want to but you're gonna hear me out! Now, I don't care if | you're not as old as she is.
I don't care if we got no | past, if we got no history.
I don't care if we got | practically nothing in common! It's just not important to me! I don't want somebody | just to talk to.
Good Lord, Shelly.
| Two people can only talk so much.
Then what? There's gotta | be more Somethin' to do after you're done talkin'.
You understand? I love you, Shelly.
So what if you are 40 years | younger than me? I love your youth.
You keep me stirred up | 24 hours a day.
Half the time I don't know | whether I'm comin' or goin'.
I I look at you, I swear I don't care about your mind.
I want you for your body.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, Holling.
- I'm gonna go to lunch.
| - You wanna go? What time is it? - 'Bout 12:00.
| - Damn.
What's the matter? | This is a $5,000 deposit on a house that's not worth $40,000, | much less the $55,000 these people are offering me.
What's the problem? Well, at 46,500, | I had a moral compass, Chris.
But at 55, I'm lost.
I Half of me says, | Take the money, you fool.
The other half says, | Don't sell to these two guys.
You're still hung up | on the gay thing, huh? I don't care what consenting perverts | do in their own home.
I just don't want 'em doin' it | in my backyard, that's all.
If I let these two in, | they've got a beachhead, a toehold.
Before you know it, | old Cicely'll be awash in nancy boys.
Well, Maurice, if that's how you feel you probably better just give | the money back.
But they're overpaying! | I'll never find buyers like that again.
Yeah.
Maybe there's a way for you | to take the money and feel good too.
Yeah? Yeah.
Think about it: You and gay men, you share a lot | of the same common values, right? Now, you just hold on a minute there.
If you're talking about | gourmet cooking and antiques No, no, no.
I'm talking about | your military tradition discipline, honor, loyalty | that kind of thing.
Well, what in the hell | are you talking about? All right.
Take the Janissaries.
| Yeah? The elite troops | of the Ottoman Empire.
For a couple hundred years they were the most gung ho, | bloodthirsty army in the world.
They murdered millions of people.
They leveled countless cities.
They tortured, they | pillaged, you name it.
And you're saying | these guys were It's a well-known fact.
| They preferred the company of men.
# He's neglectin' our romance - # For the Mambo - Maggie, you really | ought to eat something.
# He just loves that crazy dance | called the Mambo # Mambo baby # Mambo baby | Oh, Mambo baby You know, I was thinking, if you | carved up the master suites you'd have another full bedroom.
Hey, let's freshen these up.
Shelly! Another round for my colleagues here.
Hi.
Boy, you know, | I hate it when you smoke.
I'm gonna show you a picture | of a smoker's lung sometime.
If that doesn't make you stop | Why are you here, Fleischman? To tell me more jokes? Maggie, I'm sorry about Rick.
| I am.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't | think up a better way to tell you.
Now that you said | what you needed to say you better get out of here before you get hit in the head | with a safe or a piano or you get struck | with a bolt of lightning.
Are you buying into that nonsense? | You believe it? Hey.
As a doctor, as a man of science I can tell you, there is | no such thing as curses.
Everything just happens | as a question of probability the statistical likelihood | of a specific event.
Fleischman For instance, | if a man falls to sleep on a glacier it is highly probable | he will freeze to death.
Likewise, if a man sits | on a mountainside, there's some probability | now, albeit slight that he will get hit by a satellite.
Your having a relationship | with those men is inconsequential.
It simply does not enter into | the equation.
- Are you done, Mr.
Wizard? | - No.
To tell you the truth Move over.
I don't like seeing you like this.
| It bothers me.
Now, don't get any ideas, | but I have more than just a professional interest | in your well-being.
I'm not afraid of you, O'Connell.
| You hear that? Everyone, I am not afraid | of Maggie O'Connell.
! No, I am not.
| I do not believe in voodoo.
! - Fleischman, sit down.
| - Come on.
Let's dance.
I don't wanna dance.
| This is a great song.
- I don't care.
- If you don't dance | with me, O'Connell you know what you're doing? You're turning your back on reason | on mankind's struggle to pull itself out of the mire | of ignorance and superstition.
You are saying yes to | witch hunters and inquisitors you are slamming the | door on enlightenment and you are | you are inviting back the Dark Ages.
I am not doing this for you, O'Connell.
| I am doing this For civilization.
# And life is like a song What do you say Pretty please | # Oh, yeah, yeah # At last # The skies above are blue # My heart was wrapped up in clover # The night I looked at you # I found a dream - Shelly.
| - # That I could speak to # A dream that I # Can call my own # I found a thrill # To press my cheek to # A thrill that I have # Never known - # Oh, yeah | - Not bad, Fleischman.
I'm surprised.
'Cause when you walk you're a little clumsy You know, | your right foot toes-in.
Yeah, well, I had to wear | special shoes when I was a kid.
People make fun of you? Nah.
I had poison blades in | the toes just like Rosa Kleb.
Nobody messed with me.
| # And here we are # In heaven # For you are mine # At last