Not Dead Yet (2023) s02e07 Episode Script

1
I cannot believe that I am
eating Nana Sugar's cookies
- with Nana Sugar.
- [LAUGHS]
My mom and I used to try
to re-create your recipe,
but we could never figure out
your secret ingredient.
- Oh, honey, nobody ever could.
- [CHUCKLES]
TJ: Cool! That's awesome, Cheryl.
So who's the fella?
He's that sportswriter
I was telling you about.
Well, why are you sitting here
gabbing with me?
It's just, he's the sweetest guy,
and he's nice to everyone.
And nice is typically not my type.
- Let me tell you something, honey.
- Mm-hmm.
Women always think
they need something edgy,
but nothing beats
a classic chocolate chip cookie.
So you think I could be
with a chocolate chip cookie?
Like a glass of milk.
Thanks, Nana Sugar. You're a real one.
Are you ready for me
to send off your obituary?
- I am.
- Okay.
Oh, and, Nell, the secret ingredient?
- It's mono-saturated glutamate.
- Ah.
- [CLEARS THROAT] Hey.
- Hey.
I didn't know someone was in here.
It's me again,
the guy who's been stealing
the news floor's coffee every day.
You know, at some point,
I'm gonna have to start charging you.
Hey, so I am coaching
the office softball game
tomorrow against KQUT.
We got Carl, Mason, Cheryl.
It's looking really good.
Cool, sounds awesome.
Yeah, softball's really fun.
I used to play a lot.
- Hey.
- Yeah?
Do you want to play tomorrow?
- Absolutely not.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Alright.
Well goodbye.
- Hey.
- What?
What is wrong with you?
Why didn't you say yes?
- I thought you liked him.
- I used to play in high school,
and I could get just
I get a little bit competitive.
But that was like 20 years ago,
so I'm sure you're
not even that good anymore.
- What'd you just say to me?!
- Okay!
Have you seen these feet?
Do you know how fast I can run?
Have you seen these arms?
- Alright. I see your point.
- Mm-hmm.
But, Nell, he just asked you out.
And if you do not give a guy attention
within five minutes
of him giving you attention,
he biologically moves on.
- That's fast.
- I know. I saw it on TikTok.
You still brushing up on
how the youth dates these days?
Yes. Which is why I will be
your Crush Coach, okay?
I'm gonna help you keep
the softball monster at bay.
So first things first, we got to
get you back in the game.
- You're right.
- Yes.
I'm going to tell him I'm in.
- Yes! Put some rizz on it.
- Come again?
I need to step away
from social media for a while.
DENNIS: The coffee on
the sports floor is next level.
Our coffee on the news floor
is so nasty it is undrankable.
Yeah, I'm not gonna drink it.
Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?
We need one more player
for the softball game,
and I was hoping
someone was gonna take it,
- but she didn't.
- Who's the halftime performer?
If it's Beyoncé, I'm in.
If it's Katy Perry, I'm out.
No, it's just a casual game
against KQUT News.
- Did you say KQUT?
- Um, yes?
I used to work for KQUT.
Yeah. Almost had an on-air career there.
- Oh, cool.
- Yes, it would've been cool.
Would've been very cool,
until my office romance soured
and my ex-girlfriend stabbed me
in the back after our breakup
and ruined all of my dreams
of reporting traffic
live from the chopper.
Well, luckily, it all worked out.
You have a husband and kids.
And they do their best.
But I always dreamed of running into her
and telling her off to her face,
and this is the perfect opportunity.
Yes. Yes, I am in. [LAUGHS]
- I'll need a mitten.
- A glove.
- Yeah, okay.
- Hey!
Hey, so, uh, you wanted to see me?
I have very big news.
Edward and I will be having
our first date tomorrow night,
and I officially have
first-date jitters.
Wow. This is a very busy day
for the Crush Coach.
Okay, well, this one is a no-brainer.
Just pretend that you have been
sleeping with Edward for weeks.
Because you've been sleeping
with Edward for weeks.
Yes, but a date is
so much more intimate.
Sam, we have to look at
each other from across a table.
Order from a menu.
Split an iceberg wedge.
Is an iceberg wedge
more intimate than?
Oh, Sam, I plan on spending
the entire day prepping,
mm-hmm a blowout,
makeup, teeth whitening.
Alexis, did you know that
the newspaper is playing KQU
in a softball game tomorrow?
I did not. I'll have it
canceled immediately.
C Canceled? No. You see,
I've had a longstanding rivalry
with the station's owner,
Sharon Darynson.
At Rupert Murdoch's White Party,
she stole that last shrimp on the buffet
right out from under me.
I had already called it.
I know how much you hate
shellfish power games.
So I want her to see me at the
game tomorrow with my daughter.
Why? Because her children
hate her. [LAUGHS]
Well, so much for my day of date prep,
all because of my warm
relationship with my father.
- Yeah.
- Alright. I've been thinking about it,
and I changed my mind.
I definitely do want to be in the game.
- Oh. Uh Oh, damn.
- What?
I just gave the last spot to Dennis.
What? But you wouldn't mind
giving Nell your spot, would you?
No. I am going to go out
onto that court,
single-handedly win the game,
and give Pearl a piece
of my mind. [CHUCKLES]
Nell, we'll miss you tomorrow.
- Okay.
- Dennis, I'm going to
get you some softball tutorials.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES]
Dennis Dennis, what the hell?!
TJ wanted me to play.
If I don't make it on that team,
- he's gonna biologically move on.
- Oh, I did see that TikTok.
But, girl, I cannot support
an in-office flirtuation.
- What?
- No one should have to go through
what Pearl and I did.
- You're welcome.
- [STAMMERS]
Hey! See you on the field
tomorrow, buddy boy.
We'll talk crypto strat in the dugout.
- MAN: Thanks.
- [CHUCKLES] Sports.
Mason, good morning.
So, I need your spot
in the game tomorrow.
[CHUCKLES] Ohh, no can do,
Shmelly Nelly.
Linkedln says
that out of office activities
are the number one way to network
and make meaningful connections.
I didn't want to
have to do this, but, um
I know some things
you don't want out in the open.
- Like what?
- Three words
Christmas party. Wrapping paper. Tina.
It's yours.
Wow, that was a good guess. [SHIVERS]
Welcome to the big game!
The Rumble in the Park,
the battle of the presses,
the first ever head-to-head
throw-down between KQU
and your SoCal Independents.
- Ooh! Hey, look at you.
- Hey.
This outfit says I'm a player,
and I'm a playa.
- I am.
- Yeah.
But I'm not sure I can
say the rest for my team.
Carl's doing Karate Kid.
Ruth wore Birkenstocks.
And, Greg, what is Greg even doing here?
Greg is allergic to bees!
Okay, so we're not going
to care about any of that.
- We are going to focus on flirting with TJ.
- Right.
Got it, got it, got it, got it,
got it, got it.
- Ooh, boy, that's a lot of gum.
- Mm-hmm.
- What's going on here?
- What?
These look like they're from
the '80s and not the good part.
Those are my lucky shades.
I took my team to state finals
- in those.
- They should have stayed there, okay?
So time out. Pay attention
to your Crush Coach.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay. There we go. Head in the game.
These are the only plays that
you need to care about, alright?
The first one is called the Look Away.
- Okay.
- We're gonna smile.
- Gonna laugh.
- [CHUCKLES]
We're gonna look away.
- I can do that.
- Next up is the Squeeze Play.
- This is how the Squeeze
- Oh, I know the Squeeze Play.
This is when a batter bunts,
and the guy on third
tries to steal home. [CHUCKLES]
Get that out of your brain.
That is disgusting.
The Squeeze Play goes down like this.
- Okay.
- You do a touch.
- Oh.
- You do a squeeze.
- Ooh.
- You do a release.
- I just got goosebumps.
- I know!
Alright, well, thank you
for the training,
but don't worry, I got this. Yeah.
- Today is about me and TJ.
- That's right.
I'm not even going
to think about the fact
that Cheryl is in the outfield
pulling dandelions.
Cheryl, what the hell are you doing?!
- Get up!
- This is gonna be a long season.
To your feet, Cheryl! To your feet.
Today's game is a veritable
who's who in news and softball.
I believe I spot
kajillionaire Duncan Rhodes.
How fun.
Chairs with no armrests or cushions
- or backs.
- Well, well, well.
If it isn't Sharon Darynson.
Look at her, huh, showing up
in her business casual,
trying to make me feel bad,
like I'm some kind of stiff,
out-of-touch corporate titan.
Well, not today, Sharon Darynson. Huh?
Do me a favor. Hold this, will you?
Put the hot dog down.
What the hell are you doing?
[MUFFLED] Whitening trays.
I have a special meeting later tonight.
Keep the mouth apparatus
away from Sharon Darynson.
Wow, I love the cleats.
Thanks. Yeah, I'm still the same
size I was in high school.
- [GIGGLES]
- [CHUCKLING] Okay.
Hey, team, let's huddle up.
Alright. I want today
to be all about fun.
Win or lose, we're
gonna have a great time.
- Mm.
- What position do you guys want to play?
I don't care,
as long as I get the chance
to tell my ex-girlfriend
that she is a life-stealing,
poisonous serpent.
- So third base?
- Yeah, sure.
Cheryl, what position
do you think sounds fun?
Well, shortstop sounds cute.
It sounds like short stack,
and I love pancakes.
That is cute.
Um, Coach, just, uh
just curious. I I really love
the, like, "win, lose, picking
positions for fun" thing.
But also, when I used to play,
you know, we would give people
positions based on their skills
so that we had the best chance
at winning. [CHUCKLES]
Nell bringing the fire. I like it.
- Oh. Rah.
- Yeah. Where do you want to play?
Oh, it doesn't matter to me,
but Shortstop.
[CLEARS THROAT] Sorry, Cheryl.
- Mm!
- Ah, ow.
- Okay. You can have shortstop.
- Yay.
Cheryl, I think you're gonna find
second base a lot of laughs.
Doesn't sound like short stack.
- Let's go ahead and warm up.
- Yeah.
I think I have three or four
bottles or something.
- Oh, God. Lexi's here.
- Why don't you go sit with her?
- I can't.
- Why?
I've prepared two hours' worth of topics
to discuss on our first date
college, movies,
favorite land mammal
should get us through dessert.
But I can't afford to burn
through any of these
- before tonight.
- I'm sure you will
come up with something
to talk about naturally.
Open conversation isn't really
a comfortable space for me.
If I know women,
Lexi definitely wants you
to come over there.
[QUIETLY]
Oh, please don't come over here.
- Go on.
- Please don't come over here.
- Look at her, huh?
- [SLURPS]
Trying to play the mind games.
Yeah? I'll take the bait,
Sharon Darynson.
Hello, Sharon. I didn't see you here.
I saw you see me, so that's a lie.
So, how's TV news, huh?
Oh, I'm sorry, are you legally allowed
to refer to what you spray
all over the screen as "news"?
Our numbers have never been better.
How is print journalism? Is that
still circling the drain,
or did society already flush it?
- We're holding our own.
- That's because
my asthmatic 97-year-old grandmother
still subscribes to your paper.
She uses it to line
her cockatoo's birdcage.
She's incontinent.
The bird, not my grandmother.
Grandma's as tight as a drum.
You know what? You and your grandma
can insult me all you want,
but I don't think you're going
to be so full of yourselves
when you lose today.
Oh, really? Well, if you're
so sure you're going to win,
why don't we make a little wager
to make this game
a little bit more interesting?
A little shrimp wager? No, thanks.
Let's go jumbo, Sharon Darynson.
Let's see who we have in the crowd.
Any lovebirds for the kiss cam?
- Hello, there.
- Hello.
So, this is softball.
Yes. I love how
outside it is.
You're gonna do that
right out here in the open?
What are you, a cop?
How's our girl doing?
She seems a little intense.
Nell! Hey, Nell.
What the hell kind of sign is that?
Pull your braid over your shoulder.
It looks really cute that way.
- Like that.
- You ready to play?
- I was born ready.
- Good.
- Oh.
- 'Cause I'm gonna call this game
tighter than a beetle's butt crack.
You're gonna rue the day
you stole my spot.
I am gonna haunt your dreams.
- Batter up!
- Geez.
Play ball!
Here she comes now sayin' Mony Mony ♪
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- MAN: You're out!
Looking good out there, Serrano.
Thanks.
Come on Mony ♪
- [GRUNTS]
- Great job out there, Carl!
Yeah. Keep it up. "It" being your glove
so that you don't miss easy flies, okay?
- SAM: Nell!
- You gotta toss and turn and feel all right ♪
I mean I believe in your ability
to use your hands and your eyes!
- You want a drink?
- Yes!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
'Cause you make me feel ♪
- MASON: Safe!
- What?!
Safe?! Safe?! Are you kidding?!
Did you see what I saw? Safe?
You know what's not safe?
You're not safe, Mason. So you
better sleep with one eye open,
you little bi-i
beautiful baby boy. [LAUGHS] Mm!
Ah, rough start
for the SoCal Independents.
Let's see if someone scored
in the stands.
Have you seen any good movies?
Yes.
Awkward.
And now up to bat,
Dennis Simbeaux-Jones.
You got this, Dennis, okay?
- PEARL: Easy out!
- You just get on first,
and ol' Nelly's gonna
take you right on home.
- Easy out!
- You know, I already
told off Pearl this morning.
- NELL: Oh!
- In the shower.
In my head.
It actually went really well.
Mm. Did you get on base in the shower?
'Cause that's what I need you to do.
Okay. Let's go.
Come on, Dennis! Let's go.
Oh. [CHUCKLES] Whoo!
PEARL: Yeah, easy out.
Also, he'll ditch you on your birthday
to watch a preview
of "Shrek the Musical."
- Previews are where the magic happens.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MASON: Strike one. Strike.
Strike three. You're out.
- PEARL: I told you.
- [CROWD BOOING]
- Wrong way.
- DENNIS: Huh?
Got it.
I love the feeling of winning.
It's like eating the last shrimp.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I knew it was on purpose.
Of course it was. I saw the way
you looked at that shrimp
and then made a yummy sound.
You left the tail
just to taunt me, didn't you?
Here's the kicker.
I'm allergic to shellfish,
so it made my throat close
and my mouth laugh.
[CHUCKLES]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Yes! Yes!
Ah, another disappointing ending
for your SoCal Independents,
who are down 4-0.
Okay. Time out! Nell? Okay.
How do you think it's going today?
Well, I don't think we're going
to make it on SportsCenter,
but we're having fun and doing our best.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Nell, what do you think?
Yeah, I I think what TJ said.
Alright, what if I told you
I had $1 million riding on this game?
- What would you do differently?
- I'd bring Carl in.
He can barely pick up a stapler,
let alone throw from the outfield.
I'd move Sara to first
'cause she can't run
in those heel spurs.
And Dave is a lefty,
so I'd bring him to the right field,
- and I'd push Jill to center.
- Interesting.
Alright, give me the ball, Skipper.
Alright, Nell's the coach now.
Oh, I No, is He was doing great.
- You came to win the game.
- [CHUCKLES]
What the hell you looking at?
Huh?
Here's where we're at, folks.
SoCal is losing,
romance is fizzling, and rumor has it
there's a major wager on the game.
- I really screwed that up.
- You did,
and I was giving you all the signals.
What is that supposed to even mean?
Your boobs look great,
and it makes me really happy.
[LAUGHS] We've been drinking.
Okay, what am I supposed to do now?
Duncan wants me to win,
TJ thinks I'm a softball monster,
and now our flirtuation is a disaster.
That is called a "flirsaster."
[LAUGHING] That's funny, Cricket.
Cricket, this is not funny, okay?
This is a very delicate situation
where one person needs to admit
that they like the other one,
but we're running out of time.
Come on, Crush Coach,
what am I supposed to do?
Let me consult the experts.
I follow this great
22-year-old influencer.
- She will know exactly what to do.
- Okay?
Are you two
really looking at social media
to figure out how to
talk to people and be real?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Do you know what we did in my day?
- Mnh.
We talked to people, and we were real.
- That sounds so hard.
- It's a lot of work.
- Yeah.
- Wow. Was that fast?
- Yes.
- Ohh. Good.
Does this do anything else?
No.
I feel like this isn't working.
I was hoping it was just me.
Maybe we're just not meant
for this whole
sitting and talking thing.
Maybe we're just two sexual beings?
Only meant for bodily connection
and nothing more?
Oh, good God.
Look at Mason gulping that down.
I've seen buzzards
with more self-control.
I hope he got consent
from the water bottle.
[LAUGHS]
Look at Ruth.
She's holding on to that bat
like it's her second husband.
I hear the bat's refusing
to go to couples' therapy, too.
[LAUGHS]
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Hey. So, um
- I'm sorry.
- About what?
You're this nice chocolate chip cookie,
and I'm a softball monster.
Are you okay?
I've been trying
to hide this part of who I am,
because I didn't want you to see
that I'm actually really competitive.
Oh, I already knew that.
MASON: Strike three! You're outta here!
TINA: And that's the bottom
of the sixth, folks.
Alright, let's take the field.
So you don't care that I'm so me?
Are you kidding?
I love how passionate you are.
So, you like me?
Like, like me, like me?
Nell, I come to your floor every day
to have coffee
that tastes like New Jersey
just to see you.
Yes, I like you, like you very much.
- You said it.
- Yeah, I did say it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Wait Um, you're kind of
leaving me hanging here.
Because I don't know.
- I have to think about it.
- Yeah, of course.
You're a dummy! Of course I like you.
- You do?
- Yeah. Play better, though.
It's embarrassing.
Are we playing ball,
or are we playing grab-ass?
Let's go!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INSECT BUZZING]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Okay!
Top of the ninth.
It's a real nail-biter.
Bases are loaded. Two outs.
This could be the last chance
for SoCal Independent.
Print journalism could really
use a win here, folks.
- Alright, Dennis! Let's go.
- Alright, Dennis. Dennis, let's go.
Remember, you should be reporting live
from a flood zone right now,
but Pearl took that away!
TINA: And as luck would have it,
up next is Dennis Simbeaux-Jones.
Oh, crap.
You can do this,
you excitable little fella
whose name I keep forgetting.
You're such a great leader.
Yeah! Nobody's stopping my Dennis.
That's quite the stance. That is
- That is an interesting stance.
- Oh.
Here comes the pitch.
Ow!
- Oh! Yes!
- Oh! Oh!
- Ow!
- Take your base.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Yeah! Dennis, you did it!
You stood there and you did nothing,
and now you get to go to first base!
What is this game?
Let's go!
- Let's go, baby!
- Run!
- [NELL AND TJ CACKLING]
- Pearl, you're going down.
BEN: Yay, Denny!
Oh, Benny, you guys made it! Hi!
Whoo-hoo!
What am I doing?
- No, no, what is he doing?
- Just go.
Oh, for crying out loud.
- NELL: No. No, no, no, Dennis!
- No, no!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- No, no, no, no, Dennis.
- Dennis, go back! Go back!
- Aah!
Runner outside the base path.
You're out!
[CROWD GROANING]
- [NELL GROANS]
- That's the ballgame!
How do I get out?
- The door over there!
- Thank you so much.
And that's out number three.
This game is over.
Who's giving me a ride home?
You think you'd take a million dollars
- instead of our actual bet?
- Not a chance.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Sorry we lost.
- Ah, we almost had it,
- but Dennis really imploded. Ugh!
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
Is that gonna be us?
An office romance gone wrong
that's gonna haunt us for years?
Wow. Romance. That's a big word.
- Yeah. You're right.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- How about this word?
- Mm?
Date.
Yes. I'm in. [GIGGLES]
[WHISPERING] He asked me out.
And that is how you play the game.
That's how you play the game.
Wait a minute.
- Did you say that already?
- I just said it.
We lost the game.
And since you were the coach,
the buck stops with you.
And you'll have to pay
the bet that I lost
to that petty woman, Sharon Darynson.
I don't have a million dollars.
Oh, this is worse.
You will be taking care of Mrs. Crumball
for Sharon Darynson's grandmother
until she gets back from her cruise.
- Around the world.
- [BIRD SQUAWKS]
It was Dennis' fault.
I don't know who that is.
- Okay.
- [BIRD CHIRPING]
[BIRD SCREECHING]