Offspring (2010) s02e07 Episode Script

- I'm selling the house.
- But this is our home.
- We should list it as soon as possible.
- I've actually already listed it.
Darcy, you old hound.
I think I just agreed to go to the ball with Martin Clegg.
I'll deliver down here, get the baster ready.
Over to you.
It's a simple conversation.
I ring to offer an apology, somehow it got difficult.
Because you are completely maddening, Patrick.
Jimmy and Tammy are getting married today.
I'm just really confused and I don't think I should be making any big decisions.
Tammy said that she can't go through with it today.
Jimmy is still asleep.
Is sleeping so much a sign he's depressed? Only two weeks since he was dumped at the altar.
No.
He's coped with his grief fairly well.
Hello.
You must be Nina.
Hello.
Maybe Jimmy's robust response is healthy.
When my marriage disintegrated I cowered in my burrow eating tubs of rice pudding and watching British bonnet dramas.
Morning, doctor.
Who's Jimmy playing with this morning? Zara.
Hi.
Hey.
A work colleague in my kitchen, in her undies, with her hands on my brother's Oh, look away, look away.
How should you play this? Be the hostess? Would you guys like some breakfast? Yeah.
Yeah, whack some toast on.
That'd be great.
Zara and I just kept on bumping into each other when we were in different places.
Jimmy can't spin his usual bullshit seeing as I know heaps about your family.
Meditate on the toast.
Why doesn't someone invent a transparent toaster so you'd know when the toast was perfect? You know you can buy see-through toasters now.
- Yeah.
It was fun.
- Yeah.
Can I get your number? Look at the way they navigate the casual encounter.
No fuss.
Teflon coated.
Oh, Nina, do you mind if I get a lift to work with you? Sure.
You go and pop some clothes on and we'll cruise into work.
Billie.
Can I drink at the last supper tonight? Oh, don't call it the last supper, like someone is about to be crucified.
No.
Billie is right.
Mum's selling off our family home with heartless disregard for our feelings.
The auction is next week and I'm gonna make a little video to honour the house.
Tonight's just a simple dinner so that everyone can say goodbye.
I can't drink tonight if I might be pregnant.
It's been 14 days since the seed was planted.
The wee-on-the-stick tests are all negative so far but You can't expect to get pregnant during the first cycle, Billie.
I have possible symptoms.
I have, like, a metallic taste in my mouth.
That's because she's got a thermometer under her tongue constantly.
Go look at my wee.
I am not looking at your wee.
OK.
Poke my breast.
Does it feel different? My boosies are sore when Mick pokes them.
Will you Where is that Let me in.
What are you doing, you weirdo? I'm still here, you guys.
Things smell peculiar to me now.
Just go and buy another pregnancy test and stop tormenting me.
But 6% of negative tests are false-negatives.
Oh, tell her to get off the internet.
What if there's another false-negative and then I come over tonight desperately depressed and I get stonkering drunk and then I find out tomorrow that I am pregnant Help me! Help me! Help me! Just come by the hospital and I'll take some blood.
You'll have the results by the end of the day.
OK.
Thanks, Neens.
Oh! - There you go.
- Thank you.
Morning.
Morning.
Just wishing that things go well for every patient on the floor today.
Good test results, healthy babies and happy parents.
Please don't let that man get under my skin.
Good morning.
Don't explain, just smile enigmatically.
Oh, that must have looked strange.
I just had the urge to wish everyone the best on the ward today.
Not that I'm superstitious, I don't believe in that sort of nonsense.
I know you aren't.
You're the type of person who works diligently getting the best for everyone.
I think diligence is an admirable quality.
It is.
I agree.
Said with a smirk.
There was no smirking at any time.
I'm a non-smirker.
A shocking, shocking pun which for your sake I'll ignore.
So should I see you next week? I think now the baby is cooperating, head down, I don't think I need to see you until 38 weeks.
Just try and relax now.
It's the exciting stage.
Yeah.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
The lift was broken, I had to use the fire stairs.
Useless.
Well, everything's fine.
- All good.
- Great.
Excellent.
You can make it up to me by taking me to your parents'.
Deal.
They've got a pool.
Ohh! I can just float in the water like a dugong.
Very good.
A beautiful dugong.
No.
The lift is broken.
Oh.
Bye, Louise.
Bye, Stef.
Oh, the stairs? - What's going on? - Tell Nina.
As you know, I don't believe in gossip.
- Oh, this is beyond gossip.
- OK.
Tell me.
- Tell her.
- Tell me.
Well, you know how Martin Clegg has been pursuing me, he's been very very keen but misguided.
Oh, he even got himself a pick-up line.
Oh, Lordy, Lord, no.
Well, here I am.
What are your other two wishes? Therein lies the limit of my social ability.
So I took pity on him.
You know, you could just ask a woman out for a drink after work.
Come on.
So it was a charity root.
Yeah.
But it was a curiosity root too.
Can he even do sex? Right.
I'm not going into any more private details with you.
Good.
OK.
Eeeh! Actually, it doesn't really hurt at all.
- You're quite good at this.
- Mmm.
Be realistic about the odds, Billie.
There's only ever a 20% chance of pregnancy during the first cycle.
And at my age it goes down to blah-blah per cent.
It's OK, Neens, you don't have to protect me from disappointment.
Maybe I do because you seem a bit Can wanting it this much create hormonal changes that will make conception more or less likely? Press on that for a bit.
Please let Billie and Mick have the baby they want.
Oh, don't get your hopes up too much.
- Yeah? - My blood is on its way to the lab.
Oh, great.
Well, you could sound a bit more excited.
I know what you're like, Billie.
I don't want you to get your hopes up and then feel ratshit if - Do you want me to call you? - Of course.
OK.
Billie.
Any news? We'll know by this arvo.
We mustn't be disappointed if it hasn't taken this time.
Indeed, madam.
Expectations must be kept low.
Hello again.
Hey, I want to invite Andrew to the last supper.
What? It's a perfect opportunity for him to meet the extended Proudmans.
And you're going to introduce him to the family as what? We haven't discussed how this is going to work.
Look, the family is relatively unpsychotic at the moment.
Slow down.
There's still a heap of stuff we haven't discussed We will, OK? I've got to go.
And the lady in 302 is squeezing her legs together, hoping that her husband gets here for the birth.
It might be a good idea if you speak to her because she apparently doesn't want to take any advice Concentrate on what Zara is saying.
Don't think about it.
- You're uncomfortable.
- What? Am I? - Maybe we should talk about this.
- Oh, what? Why should my having sex with your brother affect my working relationship with you? Oh, it doesn't.
The truth is it's none of my business.
I'm going to go check on the woman in 302.
The house I grew up in.
Even as I film this now, my mother is off inspecting some soulless new property she will buy with the proceeds from selling our beloved family home.
Let us now go inside and have a look.
Cut.
Alright.
The hallway through which Billie, Nina and I would enter and exit the house.
Aha.
This is the doorframe where Mum would record our heights every year.
This is where Billie tried to trim weird-shaped bits off her ears with mother's good scissors.
Disgusting.
So many memories indelibly burned into the corner of every Oh, yuck! Oh! Jimmy, is your mother at home? Um, I I'm making a film about the house before it gets sold.
Oh, that's a lovely idea.
Can I have a look? No, no, no.
Let me edit it properly first.
Alright.
OK.
Well, I'll Hey.
Hey, I'm thinking about, um, doing some more external filming.
Um, do you remember our old neighbours, the Pronks? Oh.
When when I was 14, Jade Pronk and I had this code with the venetian blinds so we could rendezvous out behind the compost bins for a cheeky pash.
Oh, you.
Risky business, though.
Jade's father was a man of more muscle than brain, as I recall.
- Hello, my love.
- Hi, Darcy.
- Hi, Jim.
- That's a wrap for today.
I'm off.
Alright, darling.
Bye.
Phil's here and we're just going over a few things.
- Why don't you come in? - Right.
Nina.
There's a patient coming up to us from emergency.
It's one of your patients, Louise Miller.
She's been in a car accident.
The A&E guy thinks she's had an abruption.
She's having a massive bleed.
We'll have to do a crash caesar, yeah? Yep.
Quickly.
How bad does the bleeding look? Bad.
Clotting is bad.
- I think we've got some DIC.
- Shit.
- Are you gonna do a hysterectomy? - Hoping not.
Not unless it's the only thing I can do to save her life.
- Does she have other kids? - No.
First baby.
Right.
- How bad is the blood loss? - BP is down to 50.
I want to try compression B-Lynch sutures.
- Do you think we can risk it? - Yeah.
I can keep her at this level for a bit so try it.
Good.
- Tell me when I run out of - Yeah.
Don't worry, I will.
We're so sorry you lost your baby.
We don't want to lose you.
- Hey, beautiful.
- Hi.
This is a nice surprise.
- Ooh.
- Picnic.
- Impressed? - I'm very impressed.
And I'm starving.
- But I'm filthy so let me clean up.
- Mmm.
Oh.
Come on.
You said we should talk to Andrew before he meets the family.
Yeah.
When I said 'we' I meant we.
I thought this part, the waiting to see if you were pregnant part, was just about you and me.
Well, it is.
And now we've got bloody Tom Selleck involved it's like 'Two Men and a Baby'.
Stop it.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Wow! Billie, that looks fabulous.
- Oh, thanks.
- Fabulous bottle to go with.
- Ooh.
Oh, no, can't.
Just in case.
- Mick? - Uh, no thanks.
Alcohol and gardening don't mix.
OK, so this is a working lunch, slash, strategy meeting so that we can discuss arrangements for the possible baby.
So eat.
Eat.
No.
No! Out.
Ooh, hot beverage.
Wouldn't say no.
How is the old sales campaign going, then, if you don't mind me asking? You have every right to ask.
You're co-owner of the property.
That's right.
I am.
No.
I'm just, uh Maintaining a hands-off stance vis-a-vis the transaction.
Absolutely.
Darcy, um I'm observing your quiet agony with this important life passage, this relinquishing of a cherished family You can give that a rest.
I do the life passage speech to vendors myself.
Ah.
Well, I'm not agonised about selling.
I can't wait for a spanking new apartment with a view and no maintenance.
Yeah.
Right.
And from my point of view, Geraldine's desires come first.
Always.
Mmm.
Always.
Uh, Darcy, I'd like you to have a look at one of my properties.
I'd appreciate your honest opinion.
Uh, where are we there we are, nice little mansion.
What do you think? Oh, um Yep.
Uh yes.
Six? Well, he's dreaming.
I'll put it to the vendor.
OK.
As previously discussed, Mick's name goes on the birth certificate and 'Uncle Andrew' visits as often as he likes, within reasonable limits.
OK.
Agreed? Yeah? OK.
Um, and I was thinking that we should discuss when the right time might be for the child to learn about his or her genetic origins? Um, just before we do that, um, I would like to set up a trust fund for the kid's education.
No way.
Sperm, yes.
Money, no.
Yeah.
That sounds about right.
Oh, come on, you boofhead, it's just a way for me to contribute.
Andrew wouldn't be giving the money to us.
It would just be so the baby had options for uni or Fine.
Whatever.
You two seem to have it pretty worked out.
No.
Mick, don't cave in if you don't agree.
- No.
We have to be honest, Mick.
- Oh, OK.
OK.
Well, uh, honestly I think we should draw this strategy meeting, slash, work lunch to a close.
- Why? - I've got work to do.
Mick? We don't even know if you're pregnant yet so this is all a bit premature.
You're the one that said we needed to talk this stuff through and now - Um, I better go.
- Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Thank you so much for coming.
That's OK.
I'll call you about the tests.
- See you, Mick.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I hate sulky.
I'd rather a blistering row.
I know, but it's not gonna happen.
You and Andrew should be able to talk stuff out.
Sorry we're not like the Proudmans.
We Hollands, we're normal people.
And like normal people we bottle things up until it forms a festering pustule under the skin.
Oh, that's lovely.
Yeah.
Well, mess with my family, that's what you get.
Are you having second thoughts about this sperm donor thing? It might be too late.
I mean, the sperm is in.
Oh, well, is there any room for second thoughts once the Billie Proudman juggernaut is trundling through town? I just wanted you to be excited with me.
Nina.
I'm sorry about what happened today.
That was a terrible thing for everybody.
Yes.
It was.
How is the mother? Louise is in ICU.
She's still sedated.
They're going to move her to a room soon.
Right.
Uh, you did well.
Impressive bit of emergency surgery.
Uh Nina, be proud of the fact that you saved that woman's future fertility.
Well, uh well done today in difficult circumstances.
- Thank you, Martin.
- OK.
Louise.
- Nina? - How are you feeling? How's the pain? Well, I can't l can't really feel What? You and Stef were in a car accident.
- Is Stef OK? Is he OK? - Yes.
Stef is OK.
He has some injuries, mainly to his legs, but he's going to be fine.
Is the baby OK? We had to do an emergency caesarean and there was a lot of trauma and blood loss.
I couldn't save your baby, Louise.
I'm so sorry.
I tried.
I'm so sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Can I see? Of course you can.
Course you can.
It's hard not to feel Like a failure? I just want to sit here for a bit, feel like shit.
When I was a kid, I used to think I could keep everyone in my house safe with a protective force-field if I just concentrated hard enough.
I have to go straight from here to a family dinner.
It's hard to be around people who have had a normal day.
Can't explain.
But you can still have a decent time, though.
Keep separate compartments in your head.
Have a few drinks.
Whatever happens at work, you can enjoy other parts of life so come on.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Really not in the mood for this.
- Me neither.
This is the first Proudman family gathering since my almost wedding.
Ohh, I didn't know you were so I mean, it seemed like you've been having quite a bit of fun the last couple of weeks.
Yeah, well, fun times have been had and my pubic hair is regrowing all fluffy and downy like a little duckling.
Well, that's symbolic of new life after you know.
Yeah.
I do enjoy a good symbol.
But you're still feeling a bit I don't know.
Sometimes I'll be in the middle of something fun and then suddenly I'll remember, "Oh, yeah, that's right, "I'm the fuckwit who got engaged to a girl he hardly knew "and then got jilted at the registry office.
" Oh, Jim.
II had my whole future planned out with Tammy and then, pfff it evaporated.
If it was in my power to make everything wonderful for you, I would.
I know you would.
I sprung our mother having sex with him today.
Ph Phil D'Araboner.
Yeah.
Does Dad know? But if you see Mum squirm, you'll know why.
Come on, no avoiding this.
You go ahead.
Move a bit quicker, I want to get it all on camera.
Remember to wait when we get to the hallway so I can get you coming into the kitchen.
Yeah.
It's good Neens? Wait.
I want to get you coming in.
- Oh.
- Excuse me.
Alright.
Come.
Hi, everyone.
- Hi.
- Hey.
How is the videoing going? Um, yeah.
Yeah.
I got some interesting stuff.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
- Are you right? - No.
Look, darling, it's fine.
Everything is under control.
Oh, turn that ridiculous thing off.
Oh, righto, Mum.
Keep your top on - literally.
Hi.
Hi.
Billie, I'm sorry I couldn't get your test results.
Oh, they said you were really busy.
Yeah.
The lab was backed up too.
Oh, well, soda water for me.
Just to be on the safe side.
Hey, Aunty Neens.
Hello, beautiful.
Hello, beautiful.
Hello? Have I got the right house? Is this the Proudmans'? Oh, hi, Andrew.
Hi.
Um, welcome to the, well, soon-to-be former family home.
Um, oh, um you've met Cherie.
- Hello.
- Hi, Cherie.
Um, and these are all assorted Proudmans.
This is Andrew Holland.
Darcy Proudman.
Pleased to meet you, Andrew.
- I've got some wine here.
- Oh, lovely.
Thank you.
It's it's Andrew's sperm that's Oh, you're the brother.
- Yes.
- Tremendous.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
Well, sit down, everybody.
And this of course will be the last time we all eat at this table.
Wait, wait, Mum.
- Alright.
Go.
- Oh.
Yes.
Well, um, to commemorate the occasion I've made everyone their favourite kiddie dish.
So we have bad-for-you potatoes and little triangular pillowy things.
And the squeaky cheese salad.
And for dessert, chocolate squirty balls.
Alright.
Actually, Mum, none of us really liked that salad with squeaky cheese.
Yes.
Course you did.
No.
We all hated it, Mum.
Really? Oh, I thought you Oh, well, just got a bit confused.
But you like it now.
Yeah.
We love it now, Mum.
It's a beautiful spread.
It does look fantastic.
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
Turn that wretched thing off.
What happened today and what's happening right now can coexist in the universe - it's OK.
Oh Just from what I know, you've been with an old guy, a jaunty emergency worker Jaunty? Oh, he was jaunty.
And then a medical genius/weirdo.
Is there a pattern? I don't think I see things the same way as you do.
Isn't Clegg your boss? No.
The director of nursing is my boss.
Dr Clegg is my colleague.
I mean, you know, I know you're still hurting about the Tammy thing but really, Jim, you've just got to lighten up a bit.
No.
No, Mum, I'm actually What, you running around town having a whole series of superficial rebound flings.
Well, I actually have been enjoying quite a Go for it, darling.
It's just the next time you have a proper girlfriend, please, just choose carefully.
- What? - Music.
I'm trying to say something nice about your music.
Is this supposed to make up for the fact that I've got special-needs sperm? Please, let's not fight.
You hear patronising when it's just not there.
Fine, Andrew.
Whatever.
I'm just wanting to know, what's on the sexual menu with Clegg? Why don't you keep your sticky beak out of my sexual activities with Martin Clegg? Wow! You know what, Billie, he grinds me like a good coffee.
Oh, really! Cherie, really? I'd go easy on Cherie, Mum.
It's not like you can criticise.
Check it out, Andrew, this is the gene pool you decided to dive into.
You chose them.
I just tossed in some genetic material to give you a baby.
Argh! - What are you, five? - Yeah.
Right now I'm five and a half.
Mick? Up, up, up, up, up.
- Mick! Mick! Mick! - Billie, get out of it.
- Billie, move.
- What? Get off.
Get off.
It's alright.
- Hello.
- Hi, Zara.
It's Nina.
I'm just ringing to see how Louise is doing.
Well, she's doing OK.
She had some family in to visit.
Oh, good.
Oh, that's good.
Hey, listen, you don't happen to have Billie's test results, do you? Hang on two secs.
Please let it be positive.
You're pregnant.
- Really? - Congratulations.
You're going to be a mum.
- You're going to be an aunty.
- I know! Aunty Nina.
It is.
It's probably not a big deal for you, is it, because you Oh, God, it's such a big deal for me, Billie.
It's a big deal because it's special.
It's you.
I'm pregnant! Can't keep the compartments separate.
I need to go now.
Oh, my God.
We're gonna have a baby! We're gonna have a baby! Gonna have a baby! Gonna have a baby! Mum? What's up with Mum? Oh, my darling girl.
You're going to have a baby.
And I want to see my grandchildren running around this house, eating little chocolate squirty balls at this table.
How can they do it if the house is sold? Oh, darling, our grandchildren can eat chocolate squirty balls anywhere.
It doesn't have to be here.
No.
It has to be in this house at this table.
I'm not going to sell the house.
We're not selling the house, hey! We're not selling the house, yeah! We're not selling the house, yay! We're not selling the house, yeah! No, no, no.
Dad, wait.
You've been having sex with Phil D'Arabont.
Phil D'Ara Why does it have to be Phil D'Arabont? Bloody hell, Geraldine.
This is a kick in the guts.
This is just this is too much.
- No.
Turn that bloody thing off.
- It's off.
It's off.
Uh, excuse me.
- Oh, hi.
- Hey.
I just dropped past to see how Louise was doing.
Yeah.
I just checked.
She's OK.
- She's asleep.
- Good.
Oh, good.
- Sleep's good.
- Yeah.
Hmm.
I'll just leave her to it, then.
Won't disturb her.
- Are you knackered? - I'm completely knackered.
So am I.
Have you even been home? I go over the day in my head.
I get a rush of adrenaline so there's no way I could sleep.
Mmm.
Or be around normal people.
Oh, how was your family thing? - Selected highlights? - Yes, please.
My brother's pubic hair is regrowing like a fluffy duckling.
My sister's pregnant.
Really.
Oh, wow.
That's great.
Yeah.
It is.
- We're getting the hairy eyeball.
- Yeah.
I know.
- Better go home and sleep.
- Yeah.
- Oh, that lift is out of order.
- Have to take the fire escape.
You can get to the foyer through here.
Oh, they don't normally lock this.
Are you sure it's locked? Here, let me try.
You just ravished a man you don't even know and, until today, you didn't even like.
Patrick? Hmm.
Hi.
- You OK? - Yeah.
- I should go home now.
- Do you have to? Mmm.
I do.
OK.
Here, let me get dressed.
No.
Stay there.
I'll be fine.
- Are you sure? - Mmm.
I'm fine.
Goodbye.
Hey.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Not quite sure what just happened.
Don't interrogate it now.
Stay in your body.
Don't think too much.