One Day at a Time (2017) s02e07 Episode Script
Exclusive
1 - [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Mmm! "I love you.
" From P.
Who's P? Papito.
I text myself encouragements.
I love you, too, papito.
Look at you, all in love with your secret girlfriend.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
You're the one with the girlfriend.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, come on, no phones at dinner.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
What? This could be Dr.
Berkowitz.
But you laughed.
Leslie's jokes are not funny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Who cares? Well, he was nice enough to let me come home early so we could eat together.
He had plans, so it worked out.
- Did he mention where he was going? - I didn't ask.
Did he mention who he was going with? Mami, I don't know.
Why do you care anyway? Aren't you two just friends? SÃ, of course.
Did he turn right or left out of the parking lot? Just look at his Facebook.
He checks in everywhere.
Last week, he checked in at his attorney's office and wrote, "Hashtag, my daughter is suing me.
" Syd and I would never stalk each other on social media.
I don't want to stalk him.
I want to know exactly where he is and follow him there.
- Show me, papito.
- Okay.
He just checked in downtown at the opera.
"Hashtag, just checked in downtown at the opera.
" But I always accompany him to the opera.
[SCOFFS.]
It's not like he took another woman! [ALL LAUGH.]
You think so? Mami, no.
Because that's ridiculous.
He probably took a family member.
Yeah.
Like his daughter, who is suing him.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
take whoever he wants.
Abuelita, are you okay? I am fine, papito.
I am very, how do you say Very chill.
¡Carajo! Yeah.
That ain't chill.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
I'm going to the opera.
Mami, really? You're gonna go spy on Dr.
Berkowitz? How are you going to hide looking like the Latina Breakfast at Tiffany's? I'm not wearing earrings.
He will never recognize me.
My God, Mami, this is crazy.
Also, opera tickets are expensive.
How are you gonna afford it? Hummer limo's downstairs.
- She roped you into this? - Are you kidding? I'm thrilled! My third stepmother used to take me to the racetrack to spy on Father.
For the longest time, I thought she was saying, "Your father is with Rebecca, that horse!" I need to put on my lipstick.
Okay.
So your secret girlfriend is P Pearl? Patricia? Padmini? Ooh Maybe P's not a student.
Mrs.
Perez, the lunch lady? Yeah.
I have a thing for hairnets and tater breath.
I am going to find out who your secret girlfriend is.
Papito, if you have a secret girlfriend, I need to know about it.
Also, you're not allowed to have a girlfriend or keep secrets.
Hey, how are you and Max doing? [SHUSHES.]
That's a secret.
But, um [CLICKS TONGUE.]
We doin' real good.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right.
So you guys exclusive? Yeah.
Of course.
I mean, I Well, I think.
I keep him pretty busy with our regular once-a-week thing.
Let me just check my calendar.
Yep.
There are seven days in a week.
Yeah, but he doesn't have time to meet anybody else.
He has a full-time job.
- You met him at work, didn't you? - Why don't you shut up? [SIGHS.]
Is this something I should worry about? Max probably has women throwing themselves at him.
Can't argue with you there.
He could have anyone, but he chose you.
Okay, I know that's not the end of that sentence.
So, Schneider, are you ready for the opera? You mean our secret spy mission, Lydia? The name is Bond.
James Lydia Margarita del Carmen Inclan Maribona Leyte-Vidal de Riera Bond.
[INSTRUMENTS TUNING.]
Do you see him? No.
Not yet.
[GASPS.]
What is it? I found him.
He's sitting next to a woman! [GASPS.]
What does she look like? Old.
Very old.
It's like someone wheeled in her coffin and dumped her into her seat.
Must be his mother.
I'm glad there's nothing to worry about.
Can we stay? We haven't even heard the fat lady sing.
That's where that comes from.
No! [STUTTERS.]
What's happening? I was wrong.
Leslie just took the hand of a beautiful woman who was sitting on his other side.
How dare he have other friends! It's like I'm back at the racetrack with my stepmom.
What's next? Throw a mint julep in his face? I am going to grab him by the aguacates and feed them to that soprano! Not as fun.
But I'm down.
[MAX MOANS SOFTLY.]
[CHUCKLES.]
That's nice.
Especially that.
I came over here to talk.
I want to talk about what's going down.
The sitch.
Ya feelin' me? - I would like to be.
- No! [LAUGHS.]
I need to know you're not sleeping with anyone else.
Oh Okay.
[GRUNTS.]
Yeah.
We never really talked about it.
It's not a big deal.
Whatever.
But are you? - Yeah.
- [SCOFFS.]
Since when? Since last night.
But don't worry, we just cuddled.
[SHUDDERS.]
That is so much worse! [SIGHS.]
This is Luna.
[CHUCKLES.]
She's hairy but pretty cute.
I'm petsitting for my cousin while she's in Orlando.
[SCOFFS.]
You really got me going there.
I was about to go all psycho on you.
I was looking to see what I could set fire to.
I had my eye on that football.
But it doesn't matter.
What's important is you're not sleeping with anyone.
Just me, myself and I.
I still need to hear you say it, though.
Penelope, I am not sleeping with anyone else.
And I'm really happy you want to be exclusive.
Ew.
Do we have to call it that? That's what you want, right? To be a couple? A couple of people who don't sleep with anyone else and don't need labels! [CHUCKLES.]
It's still 45 minutes once a week.
Ten minutes of blah, blah.
ten minutes of eats and drinks, five minutes of [KISSES.]
fifteen minutes of [GRUNTING.]
And five minutes of "Where's my bra?" Up top! Hey, Alex.
You won't tell us who your secret girlfriend P is.
So, we pulled up your Instagram and narrowed it down to 15 possible girls.
Incidentally, "15 possible girls" would be a great name for a genderqueer punk band.
I know she's crazy, but, Syd, come on, you're better than this.
Aw I'm really not.
- Is it her? - No.
- Is it her? - No.
- Is it her? - That's Selena Gomez! I wish.
Me, too.
What? I have a type.
Wait, it didn't occur to me until now, but P could totally be a boy.
[ALEX SIGHS.]
Elena, I've been waiting for the right time to tell you but I'm straight.
Feels good to say it out loud.
Come on, Alex, let us help you.
I mean, I made this happen.
And I'm a girl, who likes girls, which means I know everything there is to know about girls.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'll say.
Please don't say.
If I tell you some stuff, can you leave me alone? I can't guarantee that, but spill! [SIGHS.]
Okay! Her name is Paige.
She doesn't go to our school, she's at St.
Teresa's, and she's left-handed and lactose intolerant.
She seems interesting.
She's flawed and she's comfortable announcing it.
- I like her.
- I like her, too.
We like her.
Oh, good, 'cause I really cared.
- Why have you been keeping her a secret? - It's not respectful.
Um None of my friends like her and I wish we could all hang out.
So if you like her, then who cares what other people think? What do you want, Alex? I want this to end.
But I'd also like to keep seeing her.
Then do what makes you happy.
Thanks, guys.
That actually does help.
Great! Okay, now let's plan the perfect date.
Look up left-handed-friendly restaurants in Los Angeles.
What are you doing? You said to do what makes me happy.
So, peace! I cannot believe that Leslie is with that woman.
And she is letting him hold her hand like a Dirty horse? [OPERA MUSIC PLAYING.]
Let's make him jealous.
Dale, put your arm around me.
[LAUGHS.]
Ay, no! Now, I am going to drop my program and you will check out my fondillo.
What's a fondillo Oh, there it is! So, look for me.
What are they doing now? Uh Well, she's letting go of his hand.
Ooh, looks like she's heading for the bathroom.
Wow! She really hauled fondillo outta here.
Nice shade.
Is it Scarlet Sunrise? - Yes, it is.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
How did you know? - It is my shade.
[LAUGHS.]
- Ah I really like those heels.
Marshalls.
Worth $50 but I got them for $10.
Never pay full price for fabulous.
So are you, eh Are you here with your husband? On a date.
With a very nice doctor.
Ah [CHUCKLES.]
And you? A date, too, with a much younger man.
Oh - Good for you.
Mmm.
- [CHUCKLES.]
What does he do? Did I mention he is much younger? [SIGHS.]
I should get back.
- Me, too.
It was very nice meeting you.
- Mm-hmm.
And what is your name? Esme.
It was a pleasure to meet you, too - Lydia! - [GASPS.]
How do you know my name? I know everything about you and Leslie! You're the wallpaper on his phone! I tried to make him delete it, but neither of us knows how.
Estúpido smartphone.
[IN SPANISH.]
Wait a minute.
You speak Spanish? [IN SPANISH.]
Of course.
I'm Puerto Rican.
And I'm Cuban! [EXCLAIMS.]
When did you arrive? In '62.
[CHUCKLES.]
What about you? In '74.
That's great! it seems Leslie has a type.
I'm like the younger, taller, more attractive version of you, who is smarter as well.
Well, I look younger than you.
And I feel taller than you.
And after me, they broke the mold.
It probably disintegrated with age.
Leslie deserves better than you.
And that is me! Ah, you think so, huh? - [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
- [GASPING.]
- [CACKLES.]
- [SCREAMING.]
That shade has been discontinued! I know.
I bought a case of it before they sold out.
- [EXCLAIMS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Stay away from my friend! I spoke to Max and he is not seeing anyone else.
Oh, good.
So, he's not sleeping with or dating anyone else? Why'd you separate those things? - What things? - Sleeping together and dating.
'Cause they're different.
No, they're not.
Are they? [GROANING.]
Oh, my God.
Dating someone is getting to know them, wearing pants.
Sleeping with someone is not getting to know them, not wearing pants I get it! So, what? Now I need to have another conversation with Max to see if he's dating other women? Or you could just stalk him on Instagram.
That's so weird you follow him, 'cause you don't even follow me.
So I can read your boring inspirational quotes? "You can spell impossible without 'I'm possible.
'" My cousin, Christina, texted me and told me she needed that! Okay, so I don't see any pictures of women on here.
- That's a good sign, right? - Not necessarily.
We need to check out what he's tagged in.
- Oh - What? What? What is it? I don't think I should tell you.
Women in your family don't handle these things well.
The manager of the opera said your mother was the biggest diva he's ever seen.
And think about where he works! Just give me that damn phone.
Oh He's tagged in so many photos with Really? Leggymeggy35? Here they are at a barbecue, at a Dodgers game.
At the beach, where she's falling out of her bikini top! Wow I don't think Meggy's ever seen her leggies.
Are those all things you got from Dr.
Berkowitz? Who? And yes! [LAUGHS.]
Remember when he bought you this jar opener at the Dollar Store? That's what that is? I thought it was a ThighMaster.
[SIGHS.]
Ay, Mami I know you say you're just friends, but admit it.
You have feelings for him, don't you? Bueno, I will admit that I am sad to lose him.
The cheater! - Who is just my friend.
- [CLICKS TONGUE.]
But you can't really be mad at Dr.
Berkowitz.
Don't you think it's unfair to expect a commitment when you're not interested in dating him? - I don't want to.
- Then he's allowed to date other people.
- But I don't want him to.
- But you can't control that.
- But I don't like it.
- But it's not fair to him.
- Oh - What's wrong? I just realized I'm you.
One can dream.
Okay, so, I know you're not sleeping with anyone else.
But are you dating someone else? I don't know if you know this, but those are two separate things.
I knew it! What's going on? I checked Instagram and I saw that you were tagged in a bunch of photos by Leggymeggy35.
So, who is that? [SIGHS.]
Look, Penelope I love spending 45 whole minutes with you a week.
But I want more.
Right.
So, I mean, do I like you? Yeah, I do.
A lot.
Why do you think I have a bottle of rosé in my fridge? Or DVR Scandal? Or have a throw? I'm not a rosé-drinking, Scandal-watching guy with a cold lap.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
But on the off-chance you want to spend some actual time together I have all those things ready.
What was that? You taped Scandal for me.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm four behind.
Glad you're happy.
Still gonna need to hear you say it.
Can't you look into my eyes and see what I'm trying to say? Guys can't do that.
You gotta say it.
[SIGHS.]
Fine.
I want to be your girlfriend.
And that would make me your Boyfriend.
Oh, my God.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[SIGHS.]
So When do you think you might tell Leggymeggy35 to beat it? Later tonight? Or right now is as good a time as any.
Ooh, I could, but my family's gonna be really upset.
Why? She's my cousin.
What? Why didn't you just tell me that? And miss all this? - You're good.
- Mmm.
When do you think you'll tell your family we're dating and I'm not Schneider's friend? 'Cause that's an embarrassing thing to have people think.
Okay, everybody, I have an announcement.
All right, everybody, I'm seeing somebody.
- [LYDIA.]
Oh - [ELENA.]
Ooh! Who is he? Or she? Or they? [SIGHS.]
She's been like this all day.
It is a man.
Oh - It is a stallion! - [SCOFFS.]
Everybody say hi again.
- Hi, Max.
- Hi.
[CHUCKLES.]
Tell me, Max.
Did you want a wedding in a church or a wedding on the beach? There is a right answer.
Okay, everybody say bye to Max! - Bye.
- [ELENA.]
Bye, Max! We'll have you over for dinner real soon! Okay.
- Oh, hey, Doc.
- Hey.
Hi, everyone.
We all have stuff to do, right? Yeah, I'm actually meeting a friend for pizza.
Oh.
Meeting a friend for pizza? I think I might be hungry for pizza, too.
Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I suppose I owe you an explanation.
No need.
This is my curse.
Everybody falls in love with me.
They can't have me and it drives them to do crazy things like date women who look like me after being hit by a typhoon.
I'm sorry if I hurt you, Lydia.
The only reason I went out with Esme is that you made it very clear that you wanted to just be friends.
And I want more than that.
I know, Leslie.
And I understand.
But to tell the truth I could never really give my heart to you because it already belongs to someone else.
Berto.
[SHAKILY.]
He is the love of my life.
And I cannot see myself being romantic with anyone else.
It is how you say I am exclusive.
[SNIFFLES.]
I understand.
And, you know, things really don't have to change between us.
We could still be friends.
No.
Esme is not going to be comfortable with you coming here to grab something that I cannot reach or dry the dishes or water the plants.
We had some wild times, didn't we? Yes.
And the opera.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
allow you to take a more beautiful and elegant woman who is smarter as well.
So I I guess it's over? Oh! Wait.
Wait.
I have something to give you.
It is Scarlet Sunrise.
For your new friend.
Thank you, Lydia.
I'm sure Esme This will make her very happy.
I'm so glad.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Hey, you know, maybe one day the two of you could be friends.
I would rather eat my own hand.
I don't get it, Syd.
I mean, he took his lactose-intolerant girlfriend for pizza? [CHUCKLES.]
Clearly we have more work to do.
All right.
Keep you posted.
Papi? [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Mmm! "I love you.
" From P.
Who's P? Papito.
I text myself encouragements.
I love you, too, papito.
Look at you, all in love with your secret girlfriend.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
You're the one with the girlfriend.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, come on, no phones at dinner.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
What? This could be Dr.
Berkowitz.
But you laughed.
Leslie's jokes are not funny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Who cares? Well, he was nice enough to let me come home early so we could eat together.
He had plans, so it worked out.
- Did he mention where he was going? - I didn't ask.
Did he mention who he was going with? Mami, I don't know.
Why do you care anyway? Aren't you two just friends? SÃ, of course.
Did he turn right or left out of the parking lot? Just look at his Facebook.
He checks in everywhere.
Last week, he checked in at his attorney's office and wrote, "Hashtag, my daughter is suing me.
" Syd and I would never stalk each other on social media.
I don't want to stalk him.
I want to know exactly where he is and follow him there.
- Show me, papito.
- Okay.
He just checked in downtown at the opera.
"Hashtag, just checked in downtown at the opera.
" But I always accompany him to the opera.
[SCOFFS.]
It's not like he took another woman! [ALL LAUGH.]
You think so? Mami, no.
Because that's ridiculous.
He probably took a family member.
Yeah.
Like his daughter, who is suing him.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
take whoever he wants.
Abuelita, are you okay? I am fine, papito.
I am very, how do you say Very chill.
¡Carajo! Yeah.
That ain't chill.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
I'm going to the opera.
Mami, really? You're gonna go spy on Dr.
Berkowitz? How are you going to hide looking like the Latina Breakfast at Tiffany's? I'm not wearing earrings.
He will never recognize me.
My God, Mami, this is crazy.
Also, opera tickets are expensive.
How are you gonna afford it? Hummer limo's downstairs.
- She roped you into this? - Are you kidding? I'm thrilled! My third stepmother used to take me to the racetrack to spy on Father.
For the longest time, I thought she was saying, "Your father is with Rebecca, that horse!" I need to put on my lipstick.
Okay.
So your secret girlfriend is P Pearl? Patricia? Padmini? Ooh Maybe P's not a student.
Mrs.
Perez, the lunch lady? Yeah.
I have a thing for hairnets and tater breath.
I am going to find out who your secret girlfriend is.
Papito, if you have a secret girlfriend, I need to know about it.
Also, you're not allowed to have a girlfriend or keep secrets.
Hey, how are you and Max doing? [SHUSHES.]
That's a secret.
But, um [CLICKS TONGUE.]
We doin' real good.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right.
So you guys exclusive? Yeah.
Of course.
I mean, I Well, I think.
I keep him pretty busy with our regular once-a-week thing.
Let me just check my calendar.
Yep.
There are seven days in a week.
Yeah, but he doesn't have time to meet anybody else.
He has a full-time job.
- You met him at work, didn't you? - Why don't you shut up? [SIGHS.]
Is this something I should worry about? Max probably has women throwing themselves at him.
Can't argue with you there.
He could have anyone, but he chose you.
Okay, I know that's not the end of that sentence.
So, Schneider, are you ready for the opera? You mean our secret spy mission, Lydia? The name is Bond.
James Lydia Margarita del Carmen Inclan Maribona Leyte-Vidal de Riera Bond.
[INSTRUMENTS TUNING.]
Do you see him? No.
Not yet.
[GASPS.]
What is it? I found him.
He's sitting next to a woman! [GASPS.]
What does she look like? Old.
Very old.
It's like someone wheeled in her coffin and dumped her into her seat.
Must be his mother.
I'm glad there's nothing to worry about.
Can we stay? We haven't even heard the fat lady sing.
That's where that comes from.
No! [STUTTERS.]
What's happening? I was wrong.
Leslie just took the hand of a beautiful woman who was sitting on his other side.
How dare he have other friends! It's like I'm back at the racetrack with my stepmom.
What's next? Throw a mint julep in his face? I am going to grab him by the aguacates and feed them to that soprano! Not as fun.
But I'm down.
[MAX MOANS SOFTLY.]
[CHUCKLES.]
That's nice.
Especially that.
I came over here to talk.
I want to talk about what's going down.
The sitch.
Ya feelin' me? - I would like to be.
- No! [LAUGHS.]
I need to know you're not sleeping with anyone else.
Oh Okay.
[GRUNTS.]
Yeah.
We never really talked about it.
It's not a big deal.
Whatever.
But are you? - Yeah.
- [SCOFFS.]
Since when? Since last night.
But don't worry, we just cuddled.
[SHUDDERS.]
That is so much worse! [SIGHS.]
This is Luna.
[CHUCKLES.]
She's hairy but pretty cute.
I'm petsitting for my cousin while she's in Orlando.
[SCOFFS.]
You really got me going there.
I was about to go all psycho on you.
I was looking to see what I could set fire to.
I had my eye on that football.
But it doesn't matter.
What's important is you're not sleeping with anyone.
Just me, myself and I.
I still need to hear you say it, though.
Penelope, I am not sleeping with anyone else.
And I'm really happy you want to be exclusive.
Ew.
Do we have to call it that? That's what you want, right? To be a couple? A couple of people who don't sleep with anyone else and don't need labels! [CHUCKLES.]
It's still 45 minutes once a week.
Ten minutes of blah, blah.
ten minutes of eats and drinks, five minutes of [KISSES.]
fifteen minutes of [GRUNTING.]
And five minutes of "Where's my bra?" Up top! Hey, Alex.
You won't tell us who your secret girlfriend P is.
So, we pulled up your Instagram and narrowed it down to 15 possible girls.
Incidentally, "15 possible girls" would be a great name for a genderqueer punk band.
I know she's crazy, but, Syd, come on, you're better than this.
Aw I'm really not.
- Is it her? - No.
- Is it her? - No.
- Is it her? - That's Selena Gomez! I wish.
Me, too.
What? I have a type.
Wait, it didn't occur to me until now, but P could totally be a boy.
[ALEX SIGHS.]
Elena, I've been waiting for the right time to tell you but I'm straight.
Feels good to say it out loud.
Come on, Alex, let us help you.
I mean, I made this happen.
And I'm a girl, who likes girls, which means I know everything there is to know about girls.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'll say.
Please don't say.
If I tell you some stuff, can you leave me alone? I can't guarantee that, but spill! [SIGHS.]
Okay! Her name is Paige.
She doesn't go to our school, she's at St.
Teresa's, and she's left-handed and lactose intolerant.
She seems interesting.
She's flawed and she's comfortable announcing it.
- I like her.
- I like her, too.
We like her.
Oh, good, 'cause I really cared.
- Why have you been keeping her a secret? - It's not respectful.
Um None of my friends like her and I wish we could all hang out.
So if you like her, then who cares what other people think? What do you want, Alex? I want this to end.
But I'd also like to keep seeing her.
Then do what makes you happy.
Thanks, guys.
That actually does help.
Great! Okay, now let's plan the perfect date.
Look up left-handed-friendly restaurants in Los Angeles.
What are you doing? You said to do what makes me happy.
So, peace! I cannot believe that Leslie is with that woman.
And she is letting him hold her hand like a Dirty horse? [OPERA MUSIC PLAYING.]
Let's make him jealous.
Dale, put your arm around me.
[LAUGHS.]
Ay, no! Now, I am going to drop my program and you will check out my fondillo.
What's a fondillo Oh, there it is! So, look for me.
What are they doing now? Uh Well, she's letting go of his hand.
Ooh, looks like she's heading for the bathroom.
Wow! She really hauled fondillo outta here.
Nice shade.
Is it Scarlet Sunrise? - Yes, it is.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
How did you know? - It is my shade.
[LAUGHS.]
- Ah I really like those heels.
Marshalls.
Worth $50 but I got them for $10.
Never pay full price for fabulous.
So are you, eh Are you here with your husband? On a date.
With a very nice doctor.
Ah [CHUCKLES.]
And you? A date, too, with a much younger man.
Oh - Good for you.
Mmm.
- [CHUCKLES.]
What does he do? Did I mention he is much younger? [SIGHS.]
I should get back.
- Me, too.
It was very nice meeting you.
- Mm-hmm.
And what is your name? Esme.
It was a pleasure to meet you, too - Lydia! - [GASPS.]
How do you know my name? I know everything about you and Leslie! You're the wallpaper on his phone! I tried to make him delete it, but neither of us knows how.
Estúpido smartphone.
[IN SPANISH.]
Wait a minute.
You speak Spanish? [IN SPANISH.]
Of course.
I'm Puerto Rican.
And I'm Cuban! [EXCLAIMS.]
When did you arrive? In '62.
[CHUCKLES.]
What about you? In '74.
That's great! it seems Leslie has a type.
I'm like the younger, taller, more attractive version of you, who is smarter as well.
Well, I look younger than you.
And I feel taller than you.
And after me, they broke the mold.
It probably disintegrated with age.
Leslie deserves better than you.
And that is me! Ah, you think so, huh? - [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
- [GASPING.]
- [CACKLES.]
- [SCREAMING.]
That shade has been discontinued! I know.
I bought a case of it before they sold out.
- [EXCLAIMS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Stay away from my friend! I spoke to Max and he is not seeing anyone else.
Oh, good.
So, he's not sleeping with or dating anyone else? Why'd you separate those things? - What things? - Sleeping together and dating.
'Cause they're different.
No, they're not.
Are they? [GROANING.]
Oh, my God.
Dating someone is getting to know them, wearing pants.
Sleeping with someone is not getting to know them, not wearing pants I get it! So, what? Now I need to have another conversation with Max to see if he's dating other women? Or you could just stalk him on Instagram.
That's so weird you follow him, 'cause you don't even follow me.
So I can read your boring inspirational quotes? "You can spell impossible without 'I'm possible.
'" My cousin, Christina, texted me and told me she needed that! Okay, so I don't see any pictures of women on here.
- That's a good sign, right? - Not necessarily.
We need to check out what he's tagged in.
- Oh - What? What? What is it? I don't think I should tell you.
Women in your family don't handle these things well.
The manager of the opera said your mother was the biggest diva he's ever seen.
And think about where he works! Just give me that damn phone.
Oh He's tagged in so many photos with Really? Leggymeggy35? Here they are at a barbecue, at a Dodgers game.
At the beach, where she's falling out of her bikini top! Wow I don't think Meggy's ever seen her leggies.
Are those all things you got from Dr.
Berkowitz? Who? And yes! [LAUGHS.]
Remember when he bought you this jar opener at the Dollar Store? That's what that is? I thought it was a ThighMaster.
[SIGHS.]
Ay, Mami I know you say you're just friends, but admit it.
You have feelings for him, don't you? Bueno, I will admit that I am sad to lose him.
The cheater! - Who is just my friend.
- [CLICKS TONGUE.]
But you can't really be mad at Dr.
Berkowitz.
Don't you think it's unfair to expect a commitment when you're not interested in dating him? - I don't want to.
- Then he's allowed to date other people.
- But I don't want him to.
- But you can't control that.
- But I don't like it.
- But it's not fair to him.
- Oh - What's wrong? I just realized I'm you.
One can dream.
Okay, so, I know you're not sleeping with anyone else.
But are you dating someone else? I don't know if you know this, but those are two separate things.
I knew it! What's going on? I checked Instagram and I saw that you were tagged in a bunch of photos by Leggymeggy35.
So, who is that? [SIGHS.]
Look, Penelope I love spending 45 whole minutes with you a week.
But I want more.
Right.
So, I mean, do I like you? Yeah, I do.
A lot.
Why do you think I have a bottle of rosé in my fridge? Or DVR Scandal? Or have a throw? I'm not a rosé-drinking, Scandal-watching guy with a cold lap.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
But on the off-chance you want to spend some actual time together I have all those things ready.
What was that? You taped Scandal for me.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm four behind.
Glad you're happy.
Still gonna need to hear you say it.
Can't you look into my eyes and see what I'm trying to say? Guys can't do that.
You gotta say it.
[SIGHS.]
Fine.
I want to be your girlfriend.
And that would make me your Boyfriend.
Oh, my God.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[SIGHS.]
So When do you think you might tell Leggymeggy35 to beat it? Later tonight? Or right now is as good a time as any.
Ooh, I could, but my family's gonna be really upset.
Why? She's my cousin.
What? Why didn't you just tell me that? And miss all this? - You're good.
- Mmm.
When do you think you'll tell your family we're dating and I'm not Schneider's friend? 'Cause that's an embarrassing thing to have people think.
Okay, everybody, I have an announcement.
All right, everybody, I'm seeing somebody.
- [LYDIA.]
Oh - [ELENA.]
Ooh! Who is he? Or she? Or they? [SIGHS.]
She's been like this all day.
It is a man.
Oh - It is a stallion! - [SCOFFS.]
Everybody say hi again.
- Hi, Max.
- Hi.
[CHUCKLES.]
Tell me, Max.
Did you want a wedding in a church or a wedding on the beach? There is a right answer.
Okay, everybody say bye to Max! - Bye.
- [ELENA.]
Bye, Max! We'll have you over for dinner real soon! Okay.
- Oh, hey, Doc.
- Hey.
Hi, everyone.
We all have stuff to do, right? Yeah, I'm actually meeting a friend for pizza.
Oh.
Meeting a friend for pizza? I think I might be hungry for pizza, too.
Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I suppose I owe you an explanation.
No need.
This is my curse.
Everybody falls in love with me.
They can't have me and it drives them to do crazy things like date women who look like me after being hit by a typhoon.
I'm sorry if I hurt you, Lydia.
The only reason I went out with Esme is that you made it very clear that you wanted to just be friends.
And I want more than that.
I know, Leslie.
And I understand.
But to tell the truth I could never really give my heart to you because it already belongs to someone else.
Berto.
[SHAKILY.]
He is the love of my life.
And I cannot see myself being romantic with anyone else.
It is how you say I am exclusive.
[SNIFFLES.]
I understand.
And, you know, things really don't have to change between us.
We could still be friends.
No.
Esme is not going to be comfortable with you coming here to grab something that I cannot reach or dry the dishes or water the plants.
We had some wild times, didn't we? Yes.
And the opera.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
allow you to take a more beautiful and elegant woman who is smarter as well.
So I I guess it's over? Oh! Wait.
Wait.
I have something to give you.
It is Scarlet Sunrise.
For your new friend.
Thank you, Lydia.
I'm sure Esme This will make her very happy.
I'm so glad.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Hey, you know, maybe one day the two of you could be friends.
I would rather eat my own hand.
I don't get it, Syd.
I mean, he took his lactose-intolerant girlfriend for pizza? [CHUCKLES.]
Clearly we have more work to do.
All right.
Keep you posted.
Papi? [DOOR CLOSES.]