Only Fools and Horses (1981) s02e07 Episode Script
A Touch of Glass
- Can you manage Grandad? - Yeah.
Good.
Mind your hernia.
Yeah, that's not bad you know - not bad.
I reckon we done well there.
Yeah, it's alright for you.
Waste of money if you ask me! Come all this way an' all! What do you mean a waste of money? I mean, look at 'em, they're beautiful ain't they! Not only are they an exquisite ornament guaranteed to brighten and adorn any sideboard, but they are also a revolving musical box! They are china cats that play How Much is that Doggy in the Window! Well, what d'you want for one pound and twenty-five pence - 'okla-bleedin'-homa'? Well don't you think it's a bit sick you know - a cat playing a song about a dog? No.
It means they're unique! It means there was a balls-up at the factory and they put the wrong chimes in! Yeah, I'll put the wrong chimes in you in a minute.
Come on.
Get this stuff loaded into the van, right.
Get this gear in 'ere.
No, actually, you know he's got a point there.
I bet there is some trader somewhere who's got lumbered with a gross of revolving dogs playing The Siamese Cat Song! Very funny.
Come on Grandad, we want you in here an' all.
Right, go on.
- In you go.
- Alright, alright.
Jam him in - go on.
The door will hold him in.
Don't worry - we're going to earn out of this.
No listen.
This is not rubbish you know.
This is North Korea's finest porcelain.
But our two great cultures have a different attitude towards animals.
We are both a nation of dog lovers the only difference is they love to eat 'em! Come on Rodders, get your finger out, we've got a long drive home.
Do they really eat 'em? Yeah, would I lie to you? If a North Korean came to live in London he'd think that Battersea Dog's Home was a take-away! No, there's nothing they like more than a nice plate of poodle kebabs.
- Oh leave it out will yer! - Or a bull terrier pie.
- Alright Del Boy, that's enough! - Or sweet 'an sour greyhound.
Oi! - one more word out of you and I'm gonna be sick on your sheepskin, and I mean it! Go on, put yer foot down Rodney.
I'm starving! I could just go a nice Jack Russell and chips.
For the last time shut up! Oi, look, shall we pull over and give her an 'and? Do me a favour, I wanna get home for the pubs! We just can't leave her stuck out here in the middle of nowhere, can we! You're a right little angel you are aren't you, eh? Go on then, pull over! Good afternoon madam, can I be of any assistance? Oh that's awfully nice of you.
Do you know anything about cars? Do I know anything about cars? I used to drive for the John Player Special team.
Oh, the Grand Prix circuit? No, delivering fags round Lewisham.
He's a card ain't he? I'm trying to get to Ridgemere Hall, it's that large estate about five miles back up the road.
Ridgemere Hall.
That's that big mansion what we passed Del! You in service there? Certainly not! I live there - I'm Lady Ridgemere! Lady Ridgemere! Rodney, get the tow rope.
Would you come with me m'lady, I'll get you home in no time at all.
Here we are.
Did you go to the wedding? The wedding? Oh the wedding? Yes, we did.
Yeah, it was a lovely do weren't it? Yeah.
We watched it on our telly - in colour.
It's a pity we didn't know you then 'cos we were doing a lovely line in toasters.
That would have made a blinding present! May I? Mind the hole.
Right Rodney, undo the tow rope and give Grandad his scarf back will you.
Is everything alright m'lady? No Wallace - everything is not alright! The car broke down and I was stranded in the middle of nowhere! Oh, dear - how dreadful for you! And who are these - 'people'? Oh they towed me home that's all.
Now be a good chap Wallace and do push the car round to the garage.
Oh very well m'lady! Oi - you shouldn't be pushing a car like that at your age! Keep your knees bent, and your back straight.
Did you hear that? And who are these 'people'? Ponce! Come Del let's go! Here you are Grandad.
Go? What do you mean 'go'? You don't think I'm leaving here without so much as a cucumber sandwich and a cup of Earl Grey do yer? This is fate, Rodney, Unison Oppotunaire.
There's gotta be an earner in it.
Oh no, come on Del, most nobility are brassic nowadays aren't they? Oh yeah, and where do you think they get them from then, eh? Out of a Christmas cracker? Yeah, alright, so they've got the money.
But they don't wanna know the likes of us do they? No, they think we're peasants! Peasants? What do you mean 'peasants'? They may think that you two are peasants! Well come to think that I think you two are peasants! But me, I'm one of them that's accepted anywhere whether it's drinking lager with the market boys down at Nine Elms, or sipping Pimm's fruit cup at Hendon regatta! Oi up, eyes down for a full house, it's his lordship! I say.
I'm sorry, I'm afraid we're not open to the public for another three weeks! No, no, your grace, you're under a misapprehension.
We're not members of the general public! We're friends of your wife she's just popped the car round to the garages.
Oh, I see! Well, er, in that case I suppose you'd better come in.
Oh right.
Thanks very much your grace! And, oi, these are very refined people and they do not wish to hear your joke about the queer magician.
Got it? And don't you go dropping none in there! Very nice, very nice! They don't make pictures like that any more do they, eh? No.
'Cos I'm a great fan of the Byzantine period myself.
I don't think you can whack 'em you know Now it's a funny thing you know, your Lordship, but Van Cough happens to be my favourite artist an' all.
- It's a Canaletto! - I beg your pardon Rodney? It's a Canaletto!! I know - I know it's a Canaletto.
I was just saying that Van Cough happens to be one of my favourite artist that's all! Here, why do you reckon he chopped his ear off, eh? - Doctor's orders possibly! - Do you think so! - Your brandy sir.
- Oh thank you very much.
I'm afraid we have run out of cream soda! - Oh well, don't worry about it Wallace.
- I shan't sir! Excuse me sir.
Certainly.
Gives good measures here don't he.
You ought to watch him.
Very nice, very nice.
There he is - look at that, lovely.
I didn't know you went to Cambridge though m'lord! - 'Cos I'm an Oxford man meself.
- You were up at Oxford? No, but he always supports them in the boat race! Yeah, thank you Grandad! Thank you.
You must be in a hurry to get home Mr Trotter? Oh no, no, no m'ladyno, no, no.
No, we've got all the time in the world.
All the time in the world.
Yeah, I love this place, beautiful ain't it.
Beautiful house.
I think I saw a photograph of it once in the, er, Horse and Hound.
The Horse and Hound! You hunt Mr Trotter? Oh yes, I hunt, punt and ski when the snow's firm enough.
- How old is it? - Er, is what - how old is what? The house - is it old? Yes, the original structure was built in 1642.
- Oh! Still you've done it out nice! - Thank you.
Is it haunted? Oi, what you after a part-time job or something? No, I'm afraid the one thing we lack is a resident ghost.
Oh, never mind you've still got Wallace ain't you.
Yes Wallace, what is it? Begging your pardon m'lord.
There's a telephone call for you.
The chandelier people.
Ah, and about time too.
You will excuse me, won't you? Yes, go on.
You take yer time m'lord Oh this is nice.
I see that you like a bit of china and porcelain m'lady.
Yeah, this is very nice - this.
I like this.
Now don't tell me - don't tell me Capo Del Monte? It's mostly Dresden.
And that particular piece is worth several hundred pounds.
Is it really? Gawd, get away, feel the weight of that then Rodney.
Yeah, it is ain't it, eh? Yeah, of course that's where the money is ain't it - in the weight.
Oh mon dieu, mon dieu, if you like a nice piece of fine porcelain I've got the very thing for you in the back of the van.
Don't inconvenience yourself Mr Trotter.
No, no, it's no trouble m'lady.
No trouble.
I picked it up in this little, er, antique shop in Yeovil.
Well it's, um, it's well circa something or another! I'll pop out and fetch one for you shall I? Right keep sprawnsing alright? Excuse me m'lady.
Where do you live? That is assuming you're not squatting here! No, er, we live in London.
One of - one of the better parts of London! Yeah Peckham.
It's, um, Peckham Village actually! It's, er, well like a little St John's Wood you know, just south of the water.
It's very nice! We've got a flat in a tower block.
Well it's an apartment! In a - in a complex.
A tall complex.
Very sophisticated actually.
It's got lifts - everything! Yes.
Must be quite valuable with the price of property these days? Oh no, we rent it.
No, we - we lease it! He forgets bless him.
He's got a bit of shrapnel! It's a lease Grandad - do you remember, a long-term lease! Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
We lease it! The council said we could buy it for eight thousand pounds though! God help us! Yes, yes, but it must be in your office somewhere! All I know is that your people came down here, examined the chandeliers.
That was three weeks ago and I am still waiting for your estimate! Yes.
Well, I suggest you have another good lookYes I'll hold on.
- Bisque porcelain! - What? Demi-glazed! It revolves and plays How Much is that Doggy in the Window! You can't go wrong for a fiver can yer, eh? No, I suppose not.
No.
Don't be long, I'll pour you a drink, alright? Just a minute Potter, er, Trotter How Much is that Doggy in the Window? Don't know, depends on how much you want to spend.
Little joke, no, no, no, it's the tune ain't it.
How much is that doggy in the window.
The one with the waggly tail.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, I know.
I know.
The thing is a cat! Oh well, you're right an' all, it's times like this that I wish I went to Cambridge! Tell you what, look, I'll pour you a drink.
Don't be long.
Hello? You found it! Good.
Twelve hundred pounds? Are you sure you're looking at the right paperwork? Yes, two Louis 14th chandeliers - that's right! But how do you arrive at a figure of twelve hundred pounds? All you've got to do is take the things down, clean them, do a few minor repairs! Yes I am aware that it is 17th-century French crystal, I own the damned things! Yes, I know it's a job for an expert that's why I got in touch with you! But I'm sure if I shopped around I - I could find a lower estimate than that.
Yes I know that it is a dying trade but there must be someone, somewhere! Oh, sorry we couldn't stay longer yer lordship.
That's perfectly alright Trotter, please don't apologize.
Oh toujours la politesse, toujours.
I mean this is beautiful innit, eh? Bet you've held a few balls in here m'lady? What? Oh yes, yes we have! We like a nice social gathering ourselves.
Perhaps you'd like to come to the next one, eh Rodney? Yeah, yeah, I mean, you know, just bring a bottle and an LP or something.
Thank you for the 'cat' Mr Trotter.
It blends so well with the rest of my collection.
Specially with the Dresden I thought! Yes! I'm sorry we weren't able to pay you for it.
But neither my husband nor I carry cash.
Oh don't worry, pay me next time I'm down.
Yes of course.
What do you mean 'next time'? D'you mean to say you're coming here again? Whatever for? To pick up that fiver she owes him! A la mode, a la mode! Please accept it as a token of my esteem.
Thank you! Yes, well, it's getting rather late! I think we we better say goodbye, er, Trotter.
Trotter, yeah.
Well thank you very much for your hospitality, it's been very nice of you.
Now look at that - that's beautiful innit, eh? Yes.
Goodbye.
- French crystal? - Yes, it is actually! Yeah, thought it was.
You can always tell by the old, er, cut of the erdroplets! Grandad? Yeah, if you like Del! Yeah, I'd say it was one of the Louis's! If it ain't one of the Louis's, it's very similar, ain't it Rodney? Oh it's a dead ringer Del, yeah, dead ringer! Yeah, yeah, but is it Louis the 13th or Louis the 14th? No don't tell me, your Lordship I can get this.
That is Louis the 14th.
Am I right yer lordship? Spot on Trotter! How do you come to know so much about chandeliers? How come we know so much about chandeliers! Oh sorry.
Sorry about our amusement there your lordship! But see asking a Trotter if he knows anything about chandeliers is like asking Mr Kipling if he knows anything about cakes! This is our business! Really? Oh yeah.
Chandelier, candelabra, quality crystal and what 'ave yer.
It's been the family trade for generations.
Knowledge has been passed down from father to son.
Our name goes right back in history don't it Rodney? Yeah, yeah, right the way back to the plague! Our forefathers used to make them did you know there are still four Trotters hanging in Buckingham Palace? Amazing! No, straight up - 'cos what, with the advent of solar energy and fluorescent lighting, there's not much call for it nowadays.
In recent years we've tended to specialize in the old, er, renovation work.
Do you mean to say that you could - you could take that thing down and - and clean and repair it? Oh yeah, do that blindfold.
Anyway we mustn't keep you any later, so I'm gonna say bonne bouche to you both! No hurry Trotter, no hurry! I've just remembered I've got a bottle of rather special port through there in the study.
What say we open it and - and have a bit of a chat, eh? Oh well that's very civil of you my Lord.
Don't be a plonker all your life Rodney! I've done the deal now.
It's 350 quid just to take down and clean a couple of chandeliers.
And do you honestly think he's gonna pay us? Of course he's gonna pay us! He ain't one of your fly-by-night merchants.
I mean he's a lord of the realm, he's got blue blood and - and mottos! He didn't even pay us for that cat! Oh shut up about that rotten cat! Del, you need specialized equipment for a job like this - refined glass brushes, advanced soldering gear.
What we gonna use, eh? Superglue and a bottle of Windolene knowing you! Look I'll get the right equipment Rodney, I know this panel beater and he owes me a favour.
Look once we've done this job our name will spread.
All those dukes an' earls they'll be crying out for us.
Just imagine it, eh? We'll be the toast of the county set, eh? Just think of it, all the hounds, you know, baying with excitement, as our steeds bite on the rein eager for the chase.
Hello Tally ho Sir Herbert.
Did you ken John Peel? Come on boy Take a look at him will yer! He's spent three hours in a stately home and he thinks he's the Earl of Sandwich! He can't wait to get a shotgun and a retriever and go marching across the grouse moors all done up like a ploughman's lunch can he? No, that's right Rodney.
I deserve a bit of the good life, worked hard enough for it, I mean I've always been a trier.
Where's it got me? Nowhere that's where it's got me! We live 'alf a mile up in the sky in this lego set built by the council.
Run a three-wheel van with a bald tyre.
We drink in wine bars where the only thing's got a vintage is the guvnor's wife! That's why I want to grab this opportunity with both hands Rodney.
You know, he who dares wins.
This time next year we'll be millionaires.
Do you honestly believe that Del? I mean, do you really think we can make a success of this? Of course we can Rodney.
The door will be opened to a new world.
It'll be likelike Alex Through the Looking Glass.
You will dine at the finest restaurants on on steak chasseur and sutee potatoes.
Your shoes will be made by Gucci, your jewellery will come from Aspreys, your clothes will be made by Man at C & A! What d'you reckon Rodders, eh? What d'you reckon? Man at C & A.
Yeah, alright.
I'll give it a whirl.
Good boy.
You know it makes sense dont you? Oi, but we do a proper job, right.
No bodging! Of course not, what do you take me for, eh? - I'll save the best bit for you.
- I'll see you in the morning then.
Yeah see you in the morning.
Night.
'No bodging.
' I think he lacks faith in you Del Boy! Always been his trouble innit, eh? Oi, 'ere, do me a favour will you Grandad.
Pop out in the kitchen see if we've got any Windolene and superglue left, will you? Righto Grandad, you pop upstairs and get the floor-boards up! Now you know what you're doing don't you? Don't you worry Del, leave it to me.
Oh he's a craftsman! Oi, Grandad, d'you want a jemmy! No I had one before we left.
Why does he have to remove the floorboards? What is this, the International Year of the Wally-Brain or something? Listen, my good man, how do you think that great big heavy chandelier stays up there on that ceiling, eh? It is not by the power of prayer or double-sided sticky tape! There is a long threaded bolt through that chandelier, it goes through a wooden joist and is held in position by a locking nut.
Now in order to undo the locking nut you must first lift up the floorboards! Ordre du jour! We learn something new every day! If you need me I shall be round at the garages.
Right.
Here, while yer there give the van a wash, will you.
Ah, talking of wally-brains.
Come on.
Here - watch that! I mean this is terrific innit.
His lordship's nowhere to be seen and now even the butler's having a moody! D'you reckon we're gonna get paid? Look, his lordship is away on holiday, he'll pay us when he gets back! Now come on, get these ladders up.
Yeah, you never know might be in for a bonus.
Oh yeah, perhaps he might bring us back a nice stick of rock each, eh? Well just shut up moaning will yer! Oi, Grandad how you doing? Alright Del Boy.
I've found it Del! Here you are.
See, he's found the nut.
I told you we could trust him.
Right come on get this out.
I've started to undo it.
Gordon Bennett, we ain't even up the ladders yet! Grandad - don't you touch nuffink till we tell you.
Come on, we'd better get up there.
Alright Rodders? Is there anything you want? Yeah, I wanna go home! This ladder's none too safe.
The ladder's alright.
Look this is the chance I've been waiting for.
Now, don't let me down Rodders - now don't let me down! Alright Grandad, we're ready! You can start undoing it now! It's coming Del Boy! One more turn Del! Right.
Now brace yourself Rodney, brace yourself! Grandad was undoing the other chandelier! How can you tell? Alright Del Boy? Alright? What do you mean 'alright'? Look at it! Did you drop it Del? Drop it? How could we drop it? We wasn't even holding it! We were working on that one! Well I wish you'd said something.
I was working on this one! Is it very valuable Del? No, not really! It was bleedin' priceless when it was hanging up there though! What's his lordship gonna say when he finds out? Well, I think I can safely say that my invitation to the hunt ball has gone for a Burton! It's broken! Look, what the hell do you know about chandeliers anyway? I think he's tumbled Del! I shall telephone his lordship at his cottage immediately! Yeah, well, tell him to phone us at home.
Oh.
by the way, has his lordship got our home address and telephone number? No! Good! Right, out of it.
Go on.
Good.
Mind your hernia.
Yeah, that's not bad you know - not bad.
I reckon we done well there.
Yeah, it's alright for you.
Waste of money if you ask me! Come all this way an' all! What do you mean a waste of money? I mean, look at 'em, they're beautiful ain't they! Not only are they an exquisite ornament guaranteed to brighten and adorn any sideboard, but they are also a revolving musical box! They are china cats that play How Much is that Doggy in the Window! Well, what d'you want for one pound and twenty-five pence - 'okla-bleedin'-homa'? Well don't you think it's a bit sick you know - a cat playing a song about a dog? No.
It means they're unique! It means there was a balls-up at the factory and they put the wrong chimes in! Yeah, I'll put the wrong chimes in you in a minute.
Come on.
Get this stuff loaded into the van, right.
Get this gear in 'ere.
No, actually, you know he's got a point there.
I bet there is some trader somewhere who's got lumbered with a gross of revolving dogs playing The Siamese Cat Song! Very funny.
Come on Grandad, we want you in here an' all.
Right, go on.
- In you go.
- Alright, alright.
Jam him in - go on.
The door will hold him in.
Don't worry - we're going to earn out of this.
No listen.
This is not rubbish you know.
This is North Korea's finest porcelain.
But our two great cultures have a different attitude towards animals.
We are both a nation of dog lovers the only difference is they love to eat 'em! Come on Rodders, get your finger out, we've got a long drive home.
Do they really eat 'em? Yeah, would I lie to you? If a North Korean came to live in London he'd think that Battersea Dog's Home was a take-away! No, there's nothing they like more than a nice plate of poodle kebabs.
- Oh leave it out will yer! - Or a bull terrier pie.
- Alright Del Boy, that's enough! - Or sweet 'an sour greyhound.
Oi! - one more word out of you and I'm gonna be sick on your sheepskin, and I mean it! Go on, put yer foot down Rodney.
I'm starving! I could just go a nice Jack Russell and chips.
For the last time shut up! Oi, look, shall we pull over and give her an 'and? Do me a favour, I wanna get home for the pubs! We just can't leave her stuck out here in the middle of nowhere, can we! You're a right little angel you are aren't you, eh? Go on then, pull over! Good afternoon madam, can I be of any assistance? Oh that's awfully nice of you.
Do you know anything about cars? Do I know anything about cars? I used to drive for the John Player Special team.
Oh, the Grand Prix circuit? No, delivering fags round Lewisham.
He's a card ain't he? I'm trying to get to Ridgemere Hall, it's that large estate about five miles back up the road.
Ridgemere Hall.
That's that big mansion what we passed Del! You in service there? Certainly not! I live there - I'm Lady Ridgemere! Lady Ridgemere! Rodney, get the tow rope.
Would you come with me m'lady, I'll get you home in no time at all.
Here we are.
Did you go to the wedding? The wedding? Oh the wedding? Yes, we did.
Yeah, it was a lovely do weren't it? Yeah.
We watched it on our telly - in colour.
It's a pity we didn't know you then 'cos we were doing a lovely line in toasters.
That would have made a blinding present! May I? Mind the hole.
Right Rodney, undo the tow rope and give Grandad his scarf back will you.
Is everything alright m'lady? No Wallace - everything is not alright! The car broke down and I was stranded in the middle of nowhere! Oh, dear - how dreadful for you! And who are these - 'people'? Oh they towed me home that's all.
Now be a good chap Wallace and do push the car round to the garage.
Oh very well m'lady! Oi - you shouldn't be pushing a car like that at your age! Keep your knees bent, and your back straight.
Did you hear that? And who are these 'people'? Ponce! Come Del let's go! Here you are Grandad.
Go? What do you mean 'go'? You don't think I'm leaving here without so much as a cucumber sandwich and a cup of Earl Grey do yer? This is fate, Rodney, Unison Oppotunaire.
There's gotta be an earner in it.
Oh no, come on Del, most nobility are brassic nowadays aren't they? Oh yeah, and where do you think they get them from then, eh? Out of a Christmas cracker? Yeah, alright, so they've got the money.
But they don't wanna know the likes of us do they? No, they think we're peasants! Peasants? What do you mean 'peasants'? They may think that you two are peasants! Well come to think that I think you two are peasants! But me, I'm one of them that's accepted anywhere whether it's drinking lager with the market boys down at Nine Elms, or sipping Pimm's fruit cup at Hendon regatta! Oi up, eyes down for a full house, it's his lordship! I say.
I'm sorry, I'm afraid we're not open to the public for another three weeks! No, no, your grace, you're under a misapprehension.
We're not members of the general public! We're friends of your wife she's just popped the car round to the garages.
Oh, I see! Well, er, in that case I suppose you'd better come in.
Oh right.
Thanks very much your grace! And, oi, these are very refined people and they do not wish to hear your joke about the queer magician.
Got it? And don't you go dropping none in there! Very nice, very nice! They don't make pictures like that any more do they, eh? No.
'Cos I'm a great fan of the Byzantine period myself.
I don't think you can whack 'em you know Now it's a funny thing you know, your Lordship, but Van Cough happens to be my favourite artist an' all.
- It's a Canaletto! - I beg your pardon Rodney? It's a Canaletto!! I know - I know it's a Canaletto.
I was just saying that Van Cough happens to be one of my favourite artist that's all! Here, why do you reckon he chopped his ear off, eh? - Doctor's orders possibly! - Do you think so! - Your brandy sir.
- Oh thank you very much.
I'm afraid we have run out of cream soda! - Oh well, don't worry about it Wallace.
- I shan't sir! Excuse me sir.
Certainly.
Gives good measures here don't he.
You ought to watch him.
Very nice, very nice.
There he is - look at that, lovely.
I didn't know you went to Cambridge though m'lord! - 'Cos I'm an Oxford man meself.
- You were up at Oxford? No, but he always supports them in the boat race! Yeah, thank you Grandad! Thank you.
You must be in a hurry to get home Mr Trotter? Oh no, no, no m'ladyno, no, no.
No, we've got all the time in the world.
All the time in the world.
Yeah, I love this place, beautiful ain't it.
Beautiful house.
I think I saw a photograph of it once in the, er, Horse and Hound.
The Horse and Hound! You hunt Mr Trotter? Oh yes, I hunt, punt and ski when the snow's firm enough.
- How old is it? - Er, is what - how old is what? The house - is it old? Yes, the original structure was built in 1642.
- Oh! Still you've done it out nice! - Thank you.
Is it haunted? Oi, what you after a part-time job or something? No, I'm afraid the one thing we lack is a resident ghost.
Oh, never mind you've still got Wallace ain't you.
Yes Wallace, what is it? Begging your pardon m'lord.
There's a telephone call for you.
The chandelier people.
Ah, and about time too.
You will excuse me, won't you? Yes, go on.
You take yer time m'lord Oh this is nice.
I see that you like a bit of china and porcelain m'lady.
Yeah, this is very nice - this.
I like this.
Now don't tell me - don't tell me Capo Del Monte? It's mostly Dresden.
And that particular piece is worth several hundred pounds.
Is it really? Gawd, get away, feel the weight of that then Rodney.
Yeah, it is ain't it, eh? Yeah, of course that's where the money is ain't it - in the weight.
Oh mon dieu, mon dieu, if you like a nice piece of fine porcelain I've got the very thing for you in the back of the van.
Don't inconvenience yourself Mr Trotter.
No, no, it's no trouble m'lady.
No trouble.
I picked it up in this little, er, antique shop in Yeovil.
Well it's, um, it's well circa something or another! I'll pop out and fetch one for you shall I? Right keep sprawnsing alright? Excuse me m'lady.
Where do you live? That is assuming you're not squatting here! No, er, we live in London.
One of - one of the better parts of London! Yeah Peckham.
It's, um, Peckham Village actually! It's, er, well like a little St John's Wood you know, just south of the water.
It's very nice! We've got a flat in a tower block.
Well it's an apartment! In a - in a complex.
A tall complex.
Very sophisticated actually.
It's got lifts - everything! Yes.
Must be quite valuable with the price of property these days? Oh no, we rent it.
No, we - we lease it! He forgets bless him.
He's got a bit of shrapnel! It's a lease Grandad - do you remember, a long-term lease! Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
We lease it! The council said we could buy it for eight thousand pounds though! God help us! Yes, yes, but it must be in your office somewhere! All I know is that your people came down here, examined the chandeliers.
That was three weeks ago and I am still waiting for your estimate! Yes.
Well, I suggest you have another good lookYes I'll hold on.
- Bisque porcelain! - What? Demi-glazed! It revolves and plays How Much is that Doggy in the Window! You can't go wrong for a fiver can yer, eh? No, I suppose not.
No.
Don't be long, I'll pour you a drink, alright? Just a minute Potter, er, Trotter How Much is that Doggy in the Window? Don't know, depends on how much you want to spend.
Little joke, no, no, no, it's the tune ain't it.
How much is that doggy in the window.
The one with the waggly tail.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, I know.
I know.
The thing is a cat! Oh well, you're right an' all, it's times like this that I wish I went to Cambridge! Tell you what, look, I'll pour you a drink.
Don't be long.
Hello? You found it! Good.
Twelve hundred pounds? Are you sure you're looking at the right paperwork? Yes, two Louis 14th chandeliers - that's right! But how do you arrive at a figure of twelve hundred pounds? All you've got to do is take the things down, clean them, do a few minor repairs! Yes I am aware that it is 17th-century French crystal, I own the damned things! Yes, I know it's a job for an expert that's why I got in touch with you! But I'm sure if I shopped around I - I could find a lower estimate than that.
Yes I know that it is a dying trade but there must be someone, somewhere! Oh, sorry we couldn't stay longer yer lordship.
That's perfectly alright Trotter, please don't apologize.
Oh toujours la politesse, toujours.
I mean this is beautiful innit, eh? Bet you've held a few balls in here m'lady? What? Oh yes, yes we have! We like a nice social gathering ourselves.
Perhaps you'd like to come to the next one, eh Rodney? Yeah, yeah, I mean, you know, just bring a bottle and an LP or something.
Thank you for the 'cat' Mr Trotter.
It blends so well with the rest of my collection.
Specially with the Dresden I thought! Yes! I'm sorry we weren't able to pay you for it.
But neither my husband nor I carry cash.
Oh don't worry, pay me next time I'm down.
Yes of course.
What do you mean 'next time'? D'you mean to say you're coming here again? Whatever for? To pick up that fiver she owes him! A la mode, a la mode! Please accept it as a token of my esteem.
Thank you! Yes, well, it's getting rather late! I think we we better say goodbye, er, Trotter.
Trotter, yeah.
Well thank you very much for your hospitality, it's been very nice of you.
Now look at that - that's beautiful innit, eh? Yes.
Goodbye.
- French crystal? - Yes, it is actually! Yeah, thought it was.
You can always tell by the old, er, cut of the erdroplets! Grandad? Yeah, if you like Del! Yeah, I'd say it was one of the Louis's! If it ain't one of the Louis's, it's very similar, ain't it Rodney? Oh it's a dead ringer Del, yeah, dead ringer! Yeah, yeah, but is it Louis the 13th or Louis the 14th? No don't tell me, your Lordship I can get this.
That is Louis the 14th.
Am I right yer lordship? Spot on Trotter! How do you come to know so much about chandeliers? How come we know so much about chandeliers! Oh sorry.
Sorry about our amusement there your lordship! But see asking a Trotter if he knows anything about chandeliers is like asking Mr Kipling if he knows anything about cakes! This is our business! Really? Oh yeah.
Chandelier, candelabra, quality crystal and what 'ave yer.
It's been the family trade for generations.
Knowledge has been passed down from father to son.
Our name goes right back in history don't it Rodney? Yeah, yeah, right the way back to the plague! Our forefathers used to make them did you know there are still four Trotters hanging in Buckingham Palace? Amazing! No, straight up - 'cos what, with the advent of solar energy and fluorescent lighting, there's not much call for it nowadays.
In recent years we've tended to specialize in the old, er, renovation work.
Do you mean to say that you could - you could take that thing down and - and clean and repair it? Oh yeah, do that blindfold.
Anyway we mustn't keep you any later, so I'm gonna say bonne bouche to you both! No hurry Trotter, no hurry! I've just remembered I've got a bottle of rather special port through there in the study.
What say we open it and - and have a bit of a chat, eh? Oh well that's very civil of you my Lord.
Don't be a plonker all your life Rodney! I've done the deal now.
It's 350 quid just to take down and clean a couple of chandeliers.
And do you honestly think he's gonna pay us? Of course he's gonna pay us! He ain't one of your fly-by-night merchants.
I mean he's a lord of the realm, he's got blue blood and - and mottos! He didn't even pay us for that cat! Oh shut up about that rotten cat! Del, you need specialized equipment for a job like this - refined glass brushes, advanced soldering gear.
What we gonna use, eh? Superglue and a bottle of Windolene knowing you! Look I'll get the right equipment Rodney, I know this panel beater and he owes me a favour.
Look once we've done this job our name will spread.
All those dukes an' earls they'll be crying out for us.
Just imagine it, eh? We'll be the toast of the county set, eh? Just think of it, all the hounds, you know, baying with excitement, as our steeds bite on the rein eager for the chase.
Hello Tally ho Sir Herbert.
Did you ken John Peel? Come on boy Take a look at him will yer! He's spent three hours in a stately home and he thinks he's the Earl of Sandwich! He can't wait to get a shotgun and a retriever and go marching across the grouse moors all done up like a ploughman's lunch can he? No, that's right Rodney.
I deserve a bit of the good life, worked hard enough for it, I mean I've always been a trier.
Where's it got me? Nowhere that's where it's got me! We live 'alf a mile up in the sky in this lego set built by the council.
Run a three-wheel van with a bald tyre.
We drink in wine bars where the only thing's got a vintage is the guvnor's wife! That's why I want to grab this opportunity with both hands Rodney.
You know, he who dares wins.
This time next year we'll be millionaires.
Do you honestly believe that Del? I mean, do you really think we can make a success of this? Of course we can Rodney.
The door will be opened to a new world.
It'll be likelike Alex Through the Looking Glass.
You will dine at the finest restaurants on on steak chasseur and sutee potatoes.
Your shoes will be made by Gucci, your jewellery will come from Aspreys, your clothes will be made by Man at C & A! What d'you reckon Rodders, eh? What d'you reckon? Man at C & A.
Yeah, alright.
I'll give it a whirl.
Good boy.
You know it makes sense dont you? Oi, but we do a proper job, right.
No bodging! Of course not, what do you take me for, eh? - I'll save the best bit for you.
- I'll see you in the morning then.
Yeah see you in the morning.
Night.
'No bodging.
' I think he lacks faith in you Del Boy! Always been his trouble innit, eh? Oi, 'ere, do me a favour will you Grandad.
Pop out in the kitchen see if we've got any Windolene and superglue left, will you? Righto Grandad, you pop upstairs and get the floor-boards up! Now you know what you're doing don't you? Don't you worry Del, leave it to me.
Oh he's a craftsman! Oi, Grandad, d'you want a jemmy! No I had one before we left.
Why does he have to remove the floorboards? What is this, the International Year of the Wally-Brain or something? Listen, my good man, how do you think that great big heavy chandelier stays up there on that ceiling, eh? It is not by the power of prayer or double-sided sticky tape! There is a long threaded bolt through that chandelier, it goes through a wooden joist and is held in position by a locking nut.
Now in order to undo the locking nut you must first lift up the floorboards! Ordre du jour! We learn something new every day! If you need me I shall be round at the garages.
Right.
Here, while yer there give the van a wash, will you.
Ah, talking of wally-brains.
Come on.
Here - watch that! I mean this is terrific innit.
His lordship's nowhere to be seen and now even the butler's having a moody! D'you reckon we're gonna get paid? Look, his lordship is away on holiday, he'll pay us when he gets back! Now come on, get these ladders up.
Yeah, you never know might be in for a bonus.
Oh yeah, perhaps he might bring us back a nice stick of rock each, eh? Well just shut up moaning will yer! Oi, Grandad how you doing? Alright Del Boy.
I've found it Del! Here you are.
See, he's found the nut.
I told you we could trust him.
Right come on get this out.
I've started to undo it.
Gordon Bennett, we ain't even up the ladders yet! Grandad - don't you touch nuffink till we tell you.
Come on, we'd better get up there.
Alright Rodders? Is there anything you want? Yeah, I wanna go home! This ladder's none too safe.
The ladder's alright.
Look this is the chance I've been waiting for.
Now, don't let me down Rodders - now don't let me down! Alright Grandad, we're ready! You can start undoing it now! It's coming Del Boy! One more turn Del! Right.
Now brace yourself Rodney, brace yourself! Grandad was undoing the other chandelier! How can you tell? Alright Del Boy? Alright? What do you mean 'alright'? Look at it! Did you drop it Del? Drop it? How could we drop it? We wasn't even holding it! We were working on that one! Well I wish you'd said something.
I was working on this one! Is it very valuable Del? No, not really! It was bleedin' priceless when it was hanging up there though! What's his lordship gonna say when he finds out? Well, I think I can safely say that my invitation to the hunt ball has gone for a Burton! It's broken! Look, what the hell do you know about chandeliers anyway? I think he's tumbled Del! I shall telephone his lordship at his cottage immediately! Yeah, well, tell him to phone us at home.
Oh.
by the way, has his lordship got our home address and telephone number? No! Good! Right, out of it.
Go on.