Paradise PD (2018) s02e07 Episode Script

1 Thester, I want you to find those Paradise cops and bring them to me, dead or alive.
Just not dead and alive, because I'm scared of zombies.
I'll take care of it immediately.
After my tea break.
It's a British thing.
You want a spot? No, you limey rat-faced motherfucker! I don't want any goddamn Wait.
You didn't say you had crumpets.
So, where are we going, Dad? The one place Fitz'll never find us.
A remote National Park called Brickleberry.
- Never heard of it.
- Yeah, it's not for everybody.
Especially TV critics.
So instead of fighting for our town, we're running like a bunch of pussies? Karen, will you talk some testicles into your husband? Gina, leave her alone.
She's having a hard time swallowing her election loss.
Dad, we should go back.
Maybe Fitz was just having a bad day when he tried to murder all of us.
Hey, I'm for going back, too.
I didn't have time to pack a suitcase full of weed.
What? Dogs don't wear clothes.
We are not going back.
My cousin Woody is the head ranger there.
We were like brothers growing up.
Oh, he'd love to take us in.
Yeah, did we have to bring Dusty? I can't take anymore of his ravioli farts.
They smell even better coming out than they did going in.
I was planning to leave him, but he got in the truck faster than I thought he would.
I thought y'all was my friends! You don't have any friends, Chef Boy-fart-ee! Well, just for that, bon appetit! Oh, my God! Ugh, I can taste it! Don't worry everybody! I'll shit my pants to cover the smell! Roll down the windows! I'm fucking trying! I can't see! Yo, Steve, check out the centerfold in this month's Hospice Hotties.
Ugh, God! And check this out.
Those are some long, saggy boobs.
Boobs? That's her pussy.
I love my cubsy-wubsy If he leaves me, I'll go crazy Cute little tail And eyebrows like Scorsese Nice song.
I miss being canceled.
Yeah! Didn't we all die or something? We got killed by alien cows, because why let The Sopranos hold the record for worst finale? Remember, Malloy? I came back from the future, stopped that from happening and saved everyone? Steve, you didn't save jack shit, you stupid son of a bitch! Yes, I did, Woody.
Two hillbilly nerds even wrote a comic book about it, see? Yeah, that's not canon, Steve.
- Woody, we've got an emergency! - Hi, Ethel.
- This is a huge problem.
- You look pretty.
- As I was saying - I made you a note.
"Do you like me? Check the box.
If yes, will you lick the box?" It's a hard "no" to all of your boxes, Connie.
Oh.
You still like me, don't you, Angela Handsbury? You're a fat cunt! Oh.
I think there's a poacher in Brickleberry.
The animals are vanishing faster than my used panties on eBay.
What? We were canceled.
I needed some cash.
Nobody gives a shit about animals.
We got bigger things to worry about.
Yeah.
The bank is foreclosing on Brickleberry in a week, because Woody took out a reverse mortgage on the park.
- What? - Woody! Man, fuck this job anyway.
I knew it was a bad decision, but, well, I saw that Tom Selleck reverse-mortgage commercial and Hoo, that mustachioed marvel could talk me into anything! Uh, not sexual.
Well, maybe.
Anyway, the park needed the money.
Meaning Woody needed a new yacht to do cocaine on.
Don't worry, guys.
I'll figure out a way to save the park.
Good one, Steve! Where were jokes like that in 2015? Uh, off-topic, who are those guys? Oh, this looks like the most unnecessary crossover ever.
Guess you're wondering why we're here.
Wow, does anybody need wi-fi? Because I'm making a hotspot.
What kind of cops are these? What is he, like 90 years old? I know.
I hope he brought his older sister.
I did.
And I like my men like I like my coffee.
Hot, black, and up my ass.
Anyway, we're in big trouble.
We're from the Paradise Police Department.
One of our cops turned out to be a criminal.
Oh, let me guess, the only black guy? Hey, we are not racist.
We needed a place to hide, Woody, and, well, I knew my cousin'd take us in.
Fuck you, Randall.
You are dead to me.
I never wanted to hear that stupid, annoying voice of yours again! You can expect a lot of these types of jokes.
Woody, what's your problem? We are family.
"Family," my blond hairy ass! Nobody touches the Chief! Big mistake! We have a Connie! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! Well, thank you for that.
Mama likes pain.
Uh-oh.
Ow! I am gonna slap you silly! You know what I got in common with a hardware store? We both carry bicycle chains! Well, you know what I have in common with a hardware store? We both go through 100 toilets a year.
- We gonna fight or what? - Get some of this chain! Take this! No, girls.
Don't fight.
Oh, crap.
My vibrator's almost out of gas.
Hey, Malloy.
Get a picture of me fucking him in his ass-chin! Uh, wait.
Where's Malloy? Everybody stop! He's gone.
It must be the poacher.
W-w-what? No! Malloy! Wow, he really likes that bear, huh? Yeah.
What a weirdo.
I didn't shed a tear when I put the first five Bullets down.
- Huh? - Just kidding, buddy.
Jesus, I hope Bullet #7 isn't such a pussy.
Hey, Woody.
We cops are experts in, uh missing bear cases.
Fine! You and your cops can stay! Please, just Just help me get my bear back! Chief, I'm picking up a scent.
Go check it out, and take BrickleFitz with you.
Connie, you and I'll see if we can find any tracks.
Just so you have a real cop, I'll come too.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! We're all gonna come! If you bring trail mix, I'll come.
Hard.
First of all, we need to establish motive.
Now, has anyone ever kidnapped Malloy before? Huh.
Bobby Possumcods.
All right! Where the hell is Possumcods? Woody, let me handle this.
Where the fuck is Possumcods? See, Bobby huffed some leaded gasoline and got so high that he thought he was Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z.
Then he was going Super Saiyan, but that meant chasing me around his camper, stripping me naked and shoving pop rocks and baby carrots up my ass.
I didn't mind until he hit me with a spirit bomb, which meant smashing my peter in between two boxes of frozen waffles.
I didn't mind that, but then he bit one of my balls off and jumped through a window.
Long story short, Bobby's dead.
What are we doing in my cabin? Malloy's not in here.
Who said that was the scent I was following? Oh, uh, that's not my weed, Mr.
Cop Dog.
Oh, you think I'm a good cop? That's hilarious.
No, I'm the kind of cop that could smoke you under the table.
Nobody, and I mean nobody, can smoke Denzel Jackson under the table.
Ooh! Well, why don't we see about that? Challenge accepted.
But I should warn you the last time I smoked weed with a dog, It didn't go so well.
Damn, we fucked up! Almost as much as your little friend.
Well, this is a waste of time.
I guarantee you I can take the poacher down before some tree cop with an old lady name.
"Ethel.
" What was that, Gina? It's hard to hear you over your crazy eyes.
Crazy eyes? What crazy eyes? We gonna let her call us crazy? I say we kill her.
Look, I'm catching the poacher because I'm the best ranger here.
Oh, congratulations! You're the best ranger in CancelBerry.
Oh, Gina? Go fuck yourself.
Ooh, I wish I could, but I'm saving myself for this curvy clit-stiffener.
What a catch.
What do you do for foreplay? Cut him out of his house? Oh, sounds hot.
But don't forget, he's mine.
You don't even look at him.
Everywhere I look is him.
Gina likes you? It's gotta be as a friend, right? Apparently, I don't have any friends.
Gina just wants my biscuit, but Mama said if I dip it in gravy before I get married, Jesus will kill Grandma.
Dad, what are we doing here? You're supposed to be leading this investigation.
Oh, yeah, Olga.
Just keep bouncing.
Don't listen to that cockblocker.
I was hoping Malloy might be here.
Oh, he used to love this place.
He'd sneak in, 'cause you're supposed to be as tall as the C-section scar to enter.
Jesus, Woody.
It's just a stupid bear! One more word, and I'll blow that queefing chin right off of your head! Ooh, gee, look at the time.
This boner ain't gonna chafe itself.
Why do you hate my dad so much, Woody? I didn't always hate him.
When we were kids, we were like brothers.
See, my mama, Nita, was a bit of an alcoholic and maybe had some mental issues.
Back then, I thought all kids spent their entire lives in broom closets, being fed through a hole in the wall.
Sweet! Breakfast.
Randall's mama, my Aunt Mavis, convinced her sister to go away to rehab.
After that, Aunt Mavis brought me to live with her and your dad.
Randall, this is your cousin Woody.
He's gonna be staying with us for a while.
We became best friends and we did everything together.
For the first time, I was part of a family.
Aww! Aww, so cute.
But I knew it was too good to last.
Your mommy's got a big old butt.
It kind of makes my pee-pee tingle.
You take that back, Hancock! Nobody says that about my mommy! What do you mean your mom? Well, didn't you hear? Your mom's adopting me! Soon we'll have the same mom and be real brothers! No! She's my mom and I'm not sharing her with anybody.
Oh! Why are you hitting me, Woody? What did you do, Woody? I said "ET" for Atari is the best game ever made.
It really set him off.
Well, as soon as my mom got kicked out of rehab, Aunt Mavis sent me back to live with her.
My childhood was a living hell, thanks to your dad.
Wow.
I'm sorry my dad was such a selfish asshole, but I-I'll make it up to you by getting Malloy back.
We should be on the lookout for any out-of-place park animals.
Am I sober or are these strippers even uglier than usual? Wait a minute.
Hey! I just bought the animals to keep the overhead low! They do slightly less coke than the regular strippers.
Who's the poacher, Jorge? I don't know.
He's very secretive.
The doctor hooked me up with him.
Ooh, Dr.
Kuzniak.
This changes nothing.
Keep it right in there, Olga.
- All right, Kuzniak! - Where the hell did you get these animals? At ease, Woody and Netflix Woody.
I only purchased these animals because I wanted to do unethical experiments on them.
Sort of like The Island of Dr.
Moreau, only we're not on an island and I'm not a doctor.
Check this out.
I invented this brain device to enter the mind of this duck.
Why would you want to do that? Well, ginger Steve, my father once told me to "go fuck a duck.
" It's taken me 30 years to figure out how, but I'm finally going to make Daddy proud.
Are you sure he meant it like that? All I know is I'm in a duck's body and rock hard.
Give me that, you sicko! - Looking for clues, Dad? - Nope.
Cash.
Wait, there is a clue.
Look! Good job, Kevin.
Your dad was more concerned with robbing Dr.
Duckfucker.
Don't guilt-trip me.
What's a duck gonna do with a large bill? Hello! This.
Thanks for showing me around DingleDookie, Cunty.
Close enough.
When you said you don't have any friends, I realized I don't have any friends.
Do you think we could be friends? Not in public, fatty.
But sure if you can pass this test.
Favorite TV show? Golden Girls! I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship! Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidant And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see The biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say Thank you for being a friend Oops, did I do that? Hey, who the hell hid my contacts? Have you seen them, Dusty? No.
Wait, I better make my voice sound more masculine, like Dusty's.
I was thinking about what you said, about how you're saving yourself for me.
Well, I'm ready to give you my biscuit.
Yes! I knew I'd wear you down.
Dusty, I need time to make this perfect.
Meet me here tonight and we'll get freaky.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Got to go.
Ho-ho! You ready to give up? Aw, hell, naw! I'm not feeling a thing.
Holy shit! Dad, I'm surprised you missed this clue in the doctor's wallet.
Oh, I saw it, all right, but the minute we find Malloy, Woody'll kick us outta here.
You threw it away on purpose? How could you try to impede the investigation? Woody loves that bear.
Well, what's more important? Keeping us safe from Fitz and his goons or finding some stupid bear? And why should I help Woody? He hates me for some reason.
You really don't remember? You ruined his childhood! Yeah, I have no memory of that.
If I learned one thing from the Boy Scouts, it's how to block stuff out.
No, Den Master Dan! Get out of my tent! Now, give me that punch-card and I'll get rid of it.
No, Dad.
Hey, everybody.
We have a clue.
A clue! - Give me that! - I want it! I'll take this to my lab to analyze it.
Results should be back in an hour.
An hour can suck my left lip.
Tastes like Mexican gunpowder and stump sweat.
Ooh, Firecracker Jim.
Listen, you hillbilly starfish.
I know you've been trafficking animals out of Brickleberry.
Huh? I'm a legitimate businessman that sells illegal fireworks to minors! I'm Firecracker Jim, goddamn it! Hey! Look over there! Over where? You don't have fingers! Oh, well, he got away.
I'll get him.
Oh, no, this is my caller.
Holy shit! He's doing 80? You won't beat me, twat waffle! How dare you steal my catch phrase? Sorry, these guys can't write women.
Oh, lord! Shit! Okay, that was pretty badass.
You're pretty badass yourself.
Kiss! Rub holes! Ow! I don't have your bear.
Take it easy, Woody.
Let me give him a nice, slow, four-to-six week interrogation.
Stop it, Dad.
Let Woody punch the handicapped man! You like firecrackers, right, Jim? Let's see if we can turn four nubs into five.
Wait! I really don't know anything! I'm just a hired nub! Oh, shit! My boss keeps me in the dark, but if he has your bear, you'll probably never see him again.
Now put it out! Aww.
I really wanted to see his junk fold open like a joke cigar.
I've got a lighter.
No! Oh, it actually looks kind of cool now.
Looks like that monster's head from Stranger Things.
Oh, Malloy! Cubsy-wubsy! Why does he love that damn bear so much? Nobody knows.
But Malloy is the only thing that can keep Woody calm.
Firecracker Jim is right.
I'll never see you again, my little cubsy-wubsy.
Cubsy-wubsy Please don't hit me, Mommy.
I'm sorry I ate dog poop.
I just wanted to try solid food.
Here, Woody.
Take my old bear.
He'll make you feel better.
I'm going to call you Cubsy-Wubsy.
No! Malloy comforts Woody because he reminds him of the time he spent with my family.
I remember it all now, and I am going to find Woody's bear.
I found this porno on the doorstep.
How do you know it's a porno? Because it's labeled "For Woody.
" What? Give me that.
I'm the Poachmaster General! You crippled my animal trafficking ring, but I have your bear.
Bring 100 grand in cash to the strip club at midnight or your bear dies.
Come alone.
No cops.
There's no way I'm letting you go in there without some backup.
I'm going to raise that money somehow and meet him alone.
Stay out of it, Randall.
I don't care what Woody says.
We're going to back him up on this whether he likes it or not.
And we'll get that fucking bear back.
Did someone say "fucking bareback?" You just got Hopson-ed! That's the way I do Hey, Gina.
Oh! Hey, Gina! It's me, Dusty.
I Uh, I heard someone stole your contacts again! Oh, you strapping me down? Okay.
Welcome to my fantasy.
Whoa! What the fuck? I put my cocaine yacht on Craigslist so I can raise that 100 grand.
The buyer will be here any minute to negotiate the price.
Oh, watch me take this sucker for a ride.
Fuck! It's Tom Selleck! So, how much did Tom Selleck give you for the boat? I don't know, a couple of - What? - I gave it to him for free, okay? What the hell was I supposed to do? You know that Selleck makes me all quiggly down under.
Woody, you've got to get that money.
Think about Malloy.
You're right.
Hey, uh, Mr.
Selleck.
Look, I need you to give me 100 grand, because, well, if you don't, a very bad man is going to kill someone I care dearly about.
Your story moved the Selleck, Woody.
The Selleck shall give you 100 grand because the Selleck is very rich, and that's like a nickel to the Selleck.
But the Selleck is going to need something from you.
Something the Selleck has had his eye on.
- Did you get the money? - Did I get Yeah, I got the money.
Why are you covering your mouth? Because Tom Selleck took my goddamn mustache! Are you ready to give up? What's your name again? I think it's Denzel.
I don't know, I'm not sure, but I know you're a dog and I'm a black guy.
I'm not ready to give up.
I'm not even high.
Well, I guess it's time to move on to edibles then.
These are the strongest ever made.
I suggest you only eat half I did.
The other five are for you.
This Denzel motherfucker's crazy.
What the shit? Huzzah! You have reached a new plane of consciousness.
I am the Supreme Being.
You may each ask one question of me.
You ever see that shit The Dark Crystal? Yes.
What's your question? How you doin'? You know, like from Friends.
Do you remember when Joey got that giant chicken stuck on his head? Oh, shit! I just pissed myself.
Wait.
Hold on a minute.
How did we get here? You two got higher than anyone in the universe ever has.
All right, wait, wait, hold up.
I really I do need to know one thing.
How you doin'? Now I'm thinking about Joey and his Thanksgiving chicken again! I can't! I can't! All right, well, how how do we get home? You have to do weird sexual stuff to me.
You sure that's how we get home? Oh, I'm sure.
Hey, Dusty! I'm gonna get you outta that pit you, uh, slipped and fell into.
It's okay! I finally made some friends out of my doo-doo! Meet the Golden Brown Girls.
Estelle Shitty, Betty Shite, BM Arthur, and Poo McClanahan.
Whoa! What an artist! He's a regular Jim Carrey.
Slide me the money and I'll slide you the bag.
Freeze! Summer Sausage, Paradise PD! I guess I did need backup, cousin.
Wait, wait, since when do you have tits? Yeah, a long story, but, uh, I did make $300 in singles before you got here.
That's embarrassing.
In the dark, he looked like a moose.
But, most importantly, I wanted to be the one to give you this.
Come to papa This isn't Malloy, it's a bobcat! Well, then, where's Malloy? Steve? I'm sorry, Woody.
I don't have Malloy.
I never did.
I just needed another 100 grand because with that, plus the money I raised selling animals, I have enough to pay off the reverse mortgage.
Holy shit, Steve.
You saved the park.
Wait, but if you don't have Malloy, where is he? Hey, everybody, look at me! I got tassels on the front and the back! Woo! Oh! You know, when I fell down during the fight, that little fella must've got stuck under my back tits.
My cubsy-wubsy! Oh! Thank God you're okay! I am not fucking okay.
I'll miss you, Gina.
Well, not really.
Same here, bitch.
This is kinda sad.
I don't know if we'll ever see you guys again.
I'm pretty sure no one will ever see us again.
We're on Hulu.
Exactly.
Oh, hey, look, you found a snarky bear.
Denzel and I, we were searching high and low.
Well, I mean, just high, really.
There was no search.
We just got high.
Where's Denzel? Well, we had a weed contest and we tied, so I suggested we break the tie with a heroin contest.
Long story short, he's dead.
Or maybe he just looked dead.
Either way, I threw him in a hole.
I always dreamed of meeting the Golden Girls, but not like this.
Not like this! Sorry that I ruined your childhood, cousin Woody.
I know you can never forgive me, so we're just going to leave.
Randall, you're family.
You and your cops can stay here as long as you want.
Aw, thanks, cousin.
And you know what? I think it's time I shared something with you.
There.
Now you won't stand out.
Oh, I'm so glad we can stay in DingleDookie! And the best part is, Fitz'll never know we're here! Hey, y'all! We can't come to the phone right now because we hidin' out in Brickleberry National Park, but it's a secret, so don't tell nobody.
Oh, I found 'em! Caw-caw-caw, caw-caw-caw! Ca-a-a-a-aw!