Parks and Recreation s02e07 Episode Script

Greg Pikitis.
You're the Parks lady, right? Yeah, that's right.
I'm the Parks lady.
Leslie Knope.
And I'm here to tell you that this year it ends.
Ugh, this kid makes me crazy.
We got a history, Greg and I.
He absolutely terrorizes the Parks system.
Every Halloween someone defaces the statue of Mayor Percy in Ramsett Park.
And I know it's Greg Pikitis, but I've never been able to prove it.
He's like an invisible, adolescent, James Bond super villain criminal mastermind.
Or maybe someone else is doing it, but I really feel like it's this kid.
I've got the entire Parks Department watching you, my boyfriend's a cop, so don't even try it.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, I think you do.
It ends today, Pikitis.
It ends.
Today.
Thanks for stopping by, Leslie.
You look great.
Thank you.
Ends today.
Hey, Parks Department.
Yeah, Ann's here.
Uh, just to remind you, tonight, Everybody in? Yeah.
Yeah.
Cool.
Okay.
Halloween is my favorite holiday, it's just the best.
And I don't have to work.
Hey, slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year.
Oh, one more thing, the people in this room now are the people I invited, plus Leslie and Donna, so, don't tell anybody.
Who's not invited, then? Hey! What's going on, cupcake? Excited about the party tonight.
Oh! Oh, you're coming? I was just about to tell you.
Jerry already told me.
Can't wait to see how tiny your costume is.
What time does it start? Perfect.
Yeah, it's perfect.
Check this out.
These are all the possible routes from Greg Pikitis' house to the statue.
That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer.
In a way, that's a compliment.
Shows dedication.
Mmm.
What's the big deal, anyway? I mean, a kid TPs some statue.
And all the trees and all the benches.
It takes us, like, 10 days to clean his mess up.
But more importantly, Greg Pikitis sucks, and I wanna destroy him.
Okay.
Well, if you destroy him early, please come by.
I will.
Hey! How is someone gonna be able to get through that door? Oh.
Oh! What the Are you kidding me? Jerry! Relax.
Here.
Uh, William Percy.
One of Pawnee's greatest mayors.
And a true hero.
During the Pawnee Bread Factory fire of 1922, he ran back into a burning building and saved the beloved secret recipe for Pawnee Pumpernickel.
Didn't, like, 30 people die in that fire? He wasn't Superman.
He looks like Ron Swanson.
Is that who this is based on? No.
It's based on William Percy.
Were you listening to what I just said? Yes.
Okay, Andy.
Good news.
You're officially on the Parks Department payroll.
$8 an hour.
Commit this to memory.
You see him, you stop him.
Knock his head off if you have to.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
But I give you permission to use excessive force.
Don't use excessive force.
Don't go overboard.
Just stop him.
By any means necessary.
No.
No.
Just stop him.
You know what I mean? A week ago I had nothing.
Now, I have a part-time job.
I'm gonna make $32 tonight.
I owe Leslie everything I have.
Which, after tonight, will be $39.
Hello, Ann.
Hey! Am I early? Nope, you are right on time.
I like your costume.
Oh, thanks.
Raggedy Ann.
It was one of my favorite books when I was a kid.
Hmm.
I'm a pirate.
Right.
Oh.
Hey, Dr.
Harris.
How are you? Ann.
Thanks.
Um, this is Ron Swanson, from the Parks Department.
I know him from that thing that I'm doing.
This is Dr.
Harris.
You're a doctor.
Yup.
I meant your costume.
I got it.
Worlds colliding, always awkward.
with friends in parking lot.
He looks obnoxious and irritating, even from a great distance.
Uh, confirmed.
Normally, I hate working on Halloween, but it's nice hanging out with Leslie.
You know, she's focused, she's committed And she made out with me in my cop car, which is pretty neat.
I shouldn't have said that.
That's clear to me now.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Remember my boyfriend Derek, and his boyfriend Ben? Yeah, hi.
It's totally okay that you didn't wear a costume.
I did.
I'm a straight person.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
See? Sorry it's a little bit lame right now.
But we'll get it going.
I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here.
Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year, I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons.
It was amazing.
So, you're the Mark that Ann is dating.
I suppose that I am.
We're very protective of Ann.
We look out for her.
So, you kind of dropped the ball with Andy then, didn't you? Aw! Andy.
I loved Andy.
Ah, such a sweetheart.
Is Andy coming tonight? You should get back with Andy.
Who needs a drink? I do.
Suspect laughing with friends and playing with his stupid skateboard in a snide, turdish manner.
Turdish? Yes.
Like a turd.
Like a little turd.
Hey, listen, your scare tactics clearly worked.
You got Andy guarding the statue.
Why don't we go to Ann's party? Lt'll be fun.
Oh.
Uh We wanted to cover that block anyway.
Wanted a police presence on it, so, this is within the Confines of Sure, let's go.
Yeah? Okay.
Yeah.
We'll go by my office and pick up my costume.
Got it.
Can't we just fire a warning shot over his head as we drive by? No, babe.
Don't touch that.
Leaving location.
Look at stupid suspect.
I hate suspect.
Where are my keys? Looks like it's open.
Really? Yeah.
Pikitis! We've been tailing that kid for a couple of hours.
I mean, it must have been somebody else.
It was Pikitis.
Believe me now? That doesn't mean anything to me.
This is a peach pit.
Okay.
He was eating a peach when I went to go talk to him.
Mmm-hmm? This is his ace of spades.
This is his calling card.
This is what he leaves all his victims.
And it's still warm.
Okay, go and arrest him.
And send this to the lab.
We don't have a lab.
Hi, April.
Okay, you're underage.
You're not.
Hey.
Yeah, I'm gonna leave.
Oh.
Okay.
This isn't that fun.
Didn't need to tell me that.
I'm gonna take this home.
Nobody was drinking it, so I'm gonna take it.
Okay.
Gonna take this, too.
Been meaning to read it.
Okay, this isn't strictly legal.
We can talk to him for maybe an hour, and then I gotta let him go.
You talk to him first.
You have a scary face.
Hey.
No, in a good way.
Scary cute.
Yeah? Go talk to him.
Okay.
I didn't do this, man.
I promise.
Now, son, I'm a police officer.
Okay? You shouldn't lie to me.
I'm not.
I've never been here before.
And why would I do this? Because you've had run-ins with Miss Knope in the past.
Just a second.
Yeah? LESLIE: Ask him about the peach pit.
This isn't one-way glass, you know.
I can see you.
You know, I like Knope.
I screw with her 'cause she gets all riled up, and her face gets all scrunched up like this.
But I like her.
She's all right.
You see? What? I spent the whole day decorating this place, and everybody's in the kitchen.
Why is everyone always in the kitchen? I think it's going fine.
It's so quiet.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
This is a total failure.
This party is a failure.
Oh, my God.
No, no.
It's not a failure, Ann.
Come on.
Ann, do you have any Mounds? Because all I can find are Almond Joys.
And almonds give me the squirts.
Hey, I'm here.
Statue's fine.
"Crappy Hallowieners.
" That's hilarious.
Where's the kid? In the conference room.
Trying to hide his obvious guilt.
Leslie, I don't know what to tell you.
I don't think he did it.
Yeah, he did.
And we need a confession.
Okay.
Andy and I are going to take a walk.
And it's gonna be just you, Pikitis, and these pliers.
Look, I'm not gonna torture this kid.
Nobody said torture.
Why don't you let me take a run at him, boss? In order to think like one of these guys, you have to think like them.
Yeah.
He's never seen you before.
So imply that you're someone very important and that you can make his life hell.
Greg Pikitis? Would you like some boiling hot coffee in your face? My name is Bert Macklin.
I'm with the FBI.
Ooh.
Are these the same kind of chips? Ann! What's up, gorgeous! Perfect.
Get your Raggedy ass over here, girl.
Hey, Tom.
Mad Hatter? T- Pain, baby! She poppin', she rollin', she rollin' She climbin' that pole and I'm in love with a stripper This is not a stripper.
It's my wife, Wendy.
You remember her? Hi.
Thank you so much for inviting us.
Yes, hi.
Sure.
She's a surgeon at County General, and she's super hot.
Well, thank you for being a doctor and not coming dressed as a doctor.
Oh, my God.
Who'd be boring enough to do that? Ann, what happened here? Did you tell everyone they're gonna have to get a bone marrow transplant tomorrow? They look miserable.
This party's a disaster.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
Don't worry about it.
We can fix this.
Totally.
Give us a second.
Looks like Andy's wearing him down.
Shut up! I'm gonna go finish him off.
That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Why don't you just shut up for a second? What's going on in here? He's a jerk.
He's being such a jerk.
That's an awful thing to say to a human being! Are you crying? No, I am not crying, okay? I'm allergic to jerks! Okay.
Andy, out.
Fine, and I don't even care! It's stupid Okay.
The gloves are coming off.
What's that? I think you know what that is.
When I came to visit you at the school, you were eating a peach.
Then my office gets vandalized, and somebody leaves a peach pit on my desk? I don't think that's a coincidence, Greg.
Wow, you nailed me.
I mean, there's no way that two different people could have eaten the same fruit in the same day, in the same area of Indiana.
Never mind that I was actually eating a plum when you saw me earlier.
I know you did this.
I don't care what you say.
I don't care that you were in the parking lot all night.
Somehow you found a way to get in here Wait, wait, wait.
How did you know that I was in the parking lot all night? Because I followed you, genius! If you followed me all night then you know that it wasn't me.
Knope, what is your problem? Look, I have been very civil.
But I will waterboard you.
No, no.
I don't think she would make a good cop.
I would be frightened to live in a town that she's the cop of, frankly.
What are you doing? Ann, do you want me to liven things up or not? Course I do.
All right, then relax.
And turn off all the lights that don't have colored bulbs.
All right, y'all! Take the pigs in the blanket and put them to sleep! It's time to get wild! Get this furniture out of here, y'all, we're making a dance floor.
Come on, y'all.
Put the turkey wraps down.
We're about to get wild.
Ron Swanson's in the building, y'all! His mom's gonna be here soon.
Please, Dave, just arrest him.
On what charge? Just handcuff him to something.
Greggy? Greg! Gregsy! Mom! Mrs.
Pikitis? Hi, I'm Leslie Knope, this is Officer Sanderson.
Bert Macklin, FBI.
What the hell do you think you're doing? You can't just hold a 16-year-old kid against his will.
Well, we were trying to question him about this vandalism.
Do you have any evidence? Yes.
No.
No.
We don't.
Two words, peach pit.
Peach pit? His DNA is all over it, I assume.
We don't know that.
We can get it tested.
We can't.
And if it matches your DNA, then you're going away for a long time.
It won't.
Is this a joke? No.
I'm calling your shift commander.
Monday morning, I am calling your boss.
I don't know who to call about you The President of the United States of America.
Fine.
And if any of you ever come near my son again, I swear to God I will sue you and everyone in this building.
Come on, honey.
Let them think they've lost us.
Then we're Where are you going? I gotta go tell my boss why I illegally detained a teenager.
I shouldn't have gotten involved with this.
It's just It's just bad police work.
Yeah, it was bad FBI work, too.
My bad.
Tonight, the "T" in T-Pain stands for Tom Haverford! Nurses versus doctors.
On my mark, three, two, one.
Go! Vodka! Go! Son.
That is one hell of a costume.
Thanks.
Damn, that's good.
Nice party.
Thanks.
Why would anyone do this? Kids are kids.
Everybody does stupid stuff like this in high school.
I didn't.
Yeah, but you were probably a nerd, though, huh? Hey.
Leslie, I mean that in a good way.
Look at you now.
You're the coolest person I've ever met.
I even met John Cougar Mellencamp once.
Andy, why don't you go home? I'll finish cleaning this up.
No way.
I mean, you got me a job and you're helping me turn my life around.
I go home when you go home.
Uh, it's city planning.
It's mostly like regulating things and just making sure people obey the city code.
You wanna get out of here? Go back to my place? What? No.
I'm dating Ann.
Good.
That was a test.
You passed.
Let's celebrate you passing the test, over a drink, at my place.
No.
Still no.
You passed the second test.
But we're still watching you.
So, you wanna get out of here, go back to my place? Hey.
Ron.
Hello, Wendy.
Well, you and Tom really turned the party around.
We have a good time together.
Tom told me that you know about our green card marriage.
And I just want to say thank you for not telling anyone.
No worries.
I'd hate for you to have to go back to Canada.
All that socialized medicine up there.
Wendylicious.
Where have you been? I was just thanking Ron.
For, you know, not telling anyone.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
That was cool of you.
You know, you won't have to keep it a secret much longer, because in a few months we can split up without raising any eyebrows.
And we'll invite you to the divorce party.
Huh, maybe Greg is innocent.
If that's the case, then there's another kid out there who's tormenting me.
Maybe.
I believe that you're innocent until proven guilty in this country.
That's the cornerstone of democracy.
Sure.
On the other hand, Greg Pikitis is a little punk.
And I kind of wanna TP his house.
Let's do it.
Wait, wait! Wait, wait! This is fun! This is fun! What do I do? You just grab the toilet paper, unroll it a little bit like this, and throw it on the tree.
This is for Mayor Percy! This is for the Parks Department office! This is for pooping on the handball court! Yeah! This is really fun! But I don't condone it! Bye, guys.
Bye.
You're the man, Swanson.
Thanks for coming.
Ann! Dude.
Thank you so much.
I don't even know what to say.
Don't mention it.
Also, Tom, your wife is super cool.
So, well done.
Yeah, she's pretty great, right? Yeah.
I don't know how you landed that chick, but she's awesome.
Nice work.
You're lucky.
Hi, you ready to go? Yes.
All right.
Thank you so much.
We had so much fun.
Bye, thank you.
About to head home and have crazy sex.
That's cool.
I don't Yeah! Five-O! Five-O! I see you in there, Andy.
Leslie? What are you doing? Oh, boy.
That's them, Officer! Right there! Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
I'm so sorry, I think we have the wrong house.
Why are you doing this? It's really hard to explain, but we were trying to get revenge on this kid, Greg Pikitis, and we thought this was his house, but I guess we got the address wrong.
I'm Greg's mom.
You are? Yes.
Oh.
Did he hire a fake mom again, to get him out of trouble? What? Whenever he gets in trouble, he goes on Craigslist and hires a woman to play his mother and bail him out.
Oh, that little SOB! Greg! Gregory! I knew it! Oh, my God.
Dude.
That kid is amazing.
He's not in his room.
I don't know where he is.
I do.
Make sure you I need more, man.
Hey! Yeah! Let them go! Yeah! Stay on the leader! Cut it! I am gonna wring your neck! How did you get into the Parks Department? I have to know.
Maybe the FBI can figure it out.
I'm not even in the FBI, stupid.
Wow, you're amazing.
Hey! You're going to jail for a very long time.
You can't He's not gonna go to jail, you know.
He's a minor.
Well, we'll let the jury decide.
There's not gonna be a jury Then the judge will decide where he goes.
Look.
He's going to do probation, he's a minor.
Dave, just let me have this.
Wow.
Nice work, Knope.
Yeah.
That is amazing.
Thanks.
But the thing that's driving me nuts is, how did he do it? If you destroy him early, please come by.
I will.
How is someone gonna be able to get through that door? Oh! What the Are you I mean, we were here all afternoon.
How did he get in? First of all, we always lock the doors when we leave.
And Dave and I tailed Pikitis from the moment he left his house at 7:00 p.
m.
to the moment we came back here.
Does he have a lookalike or something? Did he have an accomplice? I mean, did he have help? How did that little turd do it?