Portlandia (2011) s02e07 Episode Script
Motorcycle
[.]
Tom Bombadil Tom Bombadil Tom Bombadil Tom Bombadil Tom Bombadil [Laughing.]
Hey, Joaquin.
Can you guys give me a ride? - Yeah.
- Cool.
Bye, that was fun.
Hey, good job.
Nice to se you guys.
Lot a fun, bye.
So, this is your car? Yeah.
Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
(Horn beeping) Sorry.
There we go.
Here.
I'll help you with that.
Just goes like this.
That's really quite small in there.
- Yes, but watch this.
- Okay.
- Just here - You know what? Okay No, no! Just go like this.
Hey, no - Dude - That's good.
Keep doing that.
Is it going to fit in there? - Oh no! - Does this need to go? - Two Three - Please don't Four Five - I'm gonna sue you guys.
- Why are you suing us? - You destroyed-- - What kind of vibe is that? You destroyed a beautiful instrument.
What happened to all the beautiful music we did? I don't I don't understand at all.
We're gonna do a car to car technique.
- Move out of the way.
- Got plenty of room.
No you don't.
Stop! Stop! You have have to stop! - Raven! - Does the car get bigger if you I found it.
The Chinese cup.
- It was in the car.
- That's amazing! Look! Made in China.
In it.
In the boundary of the country.
Yeah, no I understood.
Huh? Okay, how's that? Good and steady? It's not steady at all.
Okay, you live southeast, right? Well, yes, yes.
Stop, stop, seriously.
It's not secure.
The harp isn't secure.
This is not secure! It's not secure! [Harp music.]
It's actually pretty secure.
Hey, I was kind of, like, laughing in my sleep last night.
- Yeah.
- What was that? I was tickling you.
I saw this picture of myself sleeping, I loved it.
I know.
You took that one right? I loved it.
Hey, old man - Old man? - Hey, old man.
I can help you.
Yeah, hey, I was wondering if you knew of a breakfast/tapas place that just opened up? I'm sorry, you have more details? - We don't know it.
- Yeah.
Um, It's on Beech and Mississippi, I think.
Oh, the cool part of town.
I don't know.
We're not from here, so - Oh, welcome to Portland.
- Thank you.
Make yourselves at home.
This is your home too.
Let's see, what's a good way to get over there? - We're going to give you some really good directions.
- Okay.
I would say, uh, make a right on Gleason.
Take it down to the Morrison Bridge.
Morrison Bridge is closed.
Ah! The Morrison Bridge is closed because of construction.
- Ah, hold on - You know what? You're good at detours.
He's really good at detours.
- Ha ha hauh-huh.
- So that bridge is closed.
You want to get on that on ramp, which will not be closed.
Oh, you're on to something here.
As soon as you make a left on that, you make a right on - 32nd.
- You got it, Honey! Go through the parking lot there.
You're allowed to park in that parking lot.
Walk through there.
You know what, Bro, don't worry about it.
I'll just use my phone and map it.
If they were listening, those were some really good directions.
Wow! I mean, did we lose it? Do we not have that thing anymore? I didn't feel sexy or young or I think we are, I think we still have it.
Come on, we move and we dance.
- We do stuff.
- We bought that new rug last year.
We go out and do stuff all the time.
- Watch TV late.
- Yeah.
We love culture and we're crazy and make noise.
Go out and see music.
Remember, we saw the Allman Brothers.
- At the casino.
- Yeah, a whole concert, almost.
See this? Here, world.
Wanna see crazy? There you go.
And, and, and, we can do anything anyone else can do.
We're not-- No, we need to spice it up, huh? - We're gonna show everybody.
- We're gonna get crazy.
Go insane.
Do the crossword really quick.
What's a whistler on the range? [.]
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Selling clothes? - I am.
Okay Do you smoke a pipe? I don't know why I'm smelling a pipe on there.
I'm not going to do that one.
I clean all my clothes.
I do laundry once a week, and Oh my god.
Do you live in a banana farm? - No, I um - Ashby? I live in Southeast.
This is so funny, we were talking-- We thought these didn't exist anymore.
Like, who would wear these? But here it is.
So, that's gonna be a no on that one.
I think we'll do no on this.
And we'll do [Mouthing no.]
No on that.
I think we're gonna do no on the t-shirts.
Oh! Here we go.
Now we're talking.
This we're definitely not going to take.
Ashby, turn around.
Okay, I'm going to pull something out.
You can't laugh.
[Laughing.]
Have you seen the movie, The Net? It's a total inside joke.
- Did you see the movie, The Net? - The Neck? No, The Net, with Sandra Bullock? With Sandra Bullock, The Neck.
Anyway, that shirt reminds me of that, 'cause it's kind of about the internet.
And what were you interested in doing with this one? It's more donation.
Are you donating these or are you selling them? Whatever you don't want, I'd like to just donate, because-- Many of these clothing we're not gonna be able to take, because of the smell and some of the designs aren't sellable anymore.
Right, but a lot of places, like, if you don't-- What? [Laughing.]
You must have been so depressed when you wore these.
How great! We have to! [Laughing.]
These are hilarious.
Ah Whoa! They're so saggy.
They're not, actually, they're roomy.
Ashby [Laughing.]
Where'd you get these? I was dating this guy for a while.
He didn't like those.
He's an idiot.
These are hilarious.
Hee-hee-hee! Fifty cents, fifty cents, fifty cents.
Fifty cents All right.
That's $4.
In cash or trade? If you want to do cash, it comes out to $1.
65.
Which would you rather do? Um, I will do the cash.
- Cash? - Yeah.
All right, well, you have to clean all this up.
[.]
[Laughing.]
- Lance? - Yeah? Okay, well, I was just on Facebook, and I can't say I'm in a relationship with you if you're not even on there.
You don't even have a profile.
Who doesn't know we're together? Sid and Amy don't know we're together.
Tim, Dr.
Grossman, my dentist.
I feel like I made you up or something.
Nina Will you please join? Please? That smile All right.
Let's get this over with.
Okay, so Lance, I'm setting up your profile.
Ooh, philosophy.
What's your philosophy of life? What do you think it is? When life presents obstacles, I skip over them and jump as high as I can.
For it is when we jump that we can see the rays of the sunshine.
I would never write that.
Okay, we're gonna upload a photo.
Uh-uh.
I don't like getting my picture taken.
Why don't we do a photo shoot? (Camera clicking) Nina, I'm going to the bathroom! You have like 400 friends because of me, and you need to show me that you love me.
- I do love you.
- Will you put that on the Facebook page? No! No, I will not! Get out! Get out! Okay, Lance, I just put up a picture of myself.
You should write a comment.
- You look great.
- On the picture.
Okay, I'll do it.
Hey, that is hot-t-t-t-t-t-t-t! I thought you were one of those Brazilian chix.
Make a man blush! (Engine revving) Wha-- Ohh! Ah, Nina! [Phone buzzing.]
Nina! - Nina! - Lance, you posted on my wall.
New profile pic.
Thank you.
Nina! Nina! [.]
Oh, babe, I read in the Willamette Week that Huey Lewis and the News is coming to town.
- We gotta go.
- Yeah? - We gotta do it.
- Yeah.
I love live music.
- I love to watch you dance.
- Mmm [Laughing.]
[Bell ringing.]
Look at that thing.
Hey, old man Are you, are you lost? We're looking for this tapas place.
- Oh, the tapas place.
- The new tapas place.
That's going to be down off of Belmont and 30th.
Belmont? Lance one, we got, it's gonna be a right on Belmont, I believe we have to go.
What are you drinking? A little ice tea.
How are you guys doing there? Ha, Ice tea? What are you guys listening to classical music? [Laughing.]
Yeah, we're pretty wild, you know, we're just unpredictable and Ha, ha, yeah, we're kind of, you know We're pretty free.
We're very free yeah.
- Nice.
- That's great! Good for you! - Peter, it's not working! - Right on.
Got a couple of nice hogs, you know, a couple of choppers.
Okay.
Got a good old three-wheeler.
She's got a good old one- wheeler.
Hon, this isn't working.
Do they need help? Do you need help? Nah, we're good, we're fine.
Why would we need help? - Do you need help? - Peter! - Honey, call triple A.
- You want triple A? Ahh! - Oh my God - Easy does it.
My old lady.
Why are you guys just sitting on your porch? Might be kind of wild to see something else go on.
A little making out action.
We do this everywhere Peter! Are they trying to pick us up? I think so.
Peter! Peter! Kiss me! [Peter.]
Look at this.
I'll take you there Hey, friend Would you two like to come in for some Pinot Gris? - Yeah! - Yeah! We're spontaneous, we'll do anything.
They are cute.
- Where are you going? - I have that work dinner tonight.
I thought we were gonna watch movies tonight.
Sweetie, I told you about it last week.
I'm taking clients to Toro Bravo.
Ah, alright.
I'll just hang out and do whatever then.
You know what, please, this time, don't just watch a bunch of YouTube videos and then fall asleep with your clothes on and all the lights on in the house.
Doug That's it.
- I'm calling a sitter.
- Aw, come on! [Knocking on door.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You must be from the service.
- I am.
- Great, come on in.
Thank you for coming so last minute.
- Quite all right.
Doug's gonna want to drink beer tonight.
I would really prefer if he didn't have more than two.
All right.
Is he allowed to have a snack with his beer? He is, but make sure he eats something healthy, because when I'm not here he just wants to eat cereal all night.
Ah, right, yeah.
- And uh-- Oh, here is Doug.
- Hi.
He's allowed to watch TV.
He loves reality shows about logging or fishing, but if he starts just staring at the On Demand screen, - that's when it's time to turn it off.
- Okay.
'Cause what that leads to is him on IMDb and he does a lot of user comments for movies that have not come out yet.
And then it's just downhill from there.
So that's what we want to try to avoid.
But, you know what, make yourself at home.
I should be home around midnight.
- I'd like him to go down around 11:30.
- Got it.
- Okay, great.
- My name is Doug.
- I'm Ellen, I'll be helping you out tonight.
- Okay.
Okay.
I have to go.
Bye, sweetie.
Love you.
All right, bye, guys.
Have fun! - Bye.
We will.
- I don't need that much guidance.
If you want, you can camp out on the couch.
I'll do my thing.
You can do your thing-- But I'm here to help you do your thing.
The whole thing about the beers.
I'm allowed to have more than four.
Well, let's see how you do with one and then maybe another, okay? [Drumming.]
Okay, Buddy Rich.
Drum solo's over.
Well, I own this house.
I own these drums.
I should be able to play what I want to play.
- Do I have to take the drum sticks? - No you don't.
Imagine me on stage With a huge crowd.
Mm-hmm, great.
Get ready to do autographs, come on.
Front row! Are you in the front row? Are you in the front row? Did you get front row seats? Thank you! Thank you! You're welcome.
- What's this? - What's this? I'm an outlaw and the government has my family, - so I have to kill another outlaw.
- No you won't.
I want you to start putting your PJ's on right now.
Turn off the television.
Come on, we're gonna hit the hay, mister.
Now I'm dead.
Now they killed me.
I've got to start at the beginning of this mission again.
Your family will still be in trouble tomorrow, - I promise.
- God! I'll have to start at the beginning of the mission tomorrow.
[Knocking on door.]
Yes? Do you have your PJ's on? Did you brush your teeth? No! I don't know if I can share this yummy - Red Ale Beer with you then.
- What do you mean? - See? - Oh, you do have beer.
I sure do.
So So, how cool are you? Have you have any ink? Do I have any ink? No, I've never gotten any ink.
I do.
You have a tat-- - Wanna see it? - Yeah.
You gonna be good for the rest of the night? - Yes, I promise.
- All right then.
Whoa! Academy Award! - Yeah, and I deserve it.
- That's amazing! Cheers! To your tattoo.
To your future tattoo! Drink up! - All right.
- I won't tell Claire.
I bet that's exactly the time they decided they're going to have a tunnel.
They're not building a damn tunnel - to anywhere.
- I know.
Especially if it doesn't have an opening in the end.
No and then, yeah.
I mean - Oh, okay.
- Typical.
All righty, shh Now, come on.
That's a good boy.
Ellen? - Ellen? - Oh - I'm sorry I'm late.
- It's okay.
What time did he go down? About 11:30-ish.
Oh great, that's my guy.
Okay.
Well, thank you so much.
- Let's get you all squared away.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
We'll see you again.
- Night! Okay, goodnight.
[Belching.]
Oh, my God.
What is up with this beer? - Cheers! - Cheers! - Yes, this is great, you guys.
- New friends.
To the open road, going crazy.
- Experiencing life.
- Adventure.
Adventure and pushing everyone off the road, and to hell with them.
How long have you guys been riding them hogs? Oh, just a couple of hours, you know.
Let's throw caution to the wind.
Throw some pillows around.
You're going on a hike.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ma'am! - What? - Really, my wife is right there.
- And that's your husband.
- Well Yeah! - Well, what? - What's the problem? - We thought you recognized us.
- From where? We were on Real Sex Nine.
We don't know what that is.
It's a sex show, we were teaching a class on tantric sex and wife swapping.
- Yeah - No, we're We're fused.
To be fair, it was a long time ago.
When was that? We shot it right before 9/11, babe.
That's right.
Oh, I forgot that.
Do you guys remember that? Oh, of course, yeah.
You know, I was living up in Seattle at the time, and I got a call from my sister.
And I watched that first tower go down, and I just-- remember, neighbors would gather, you would call everyone.
All the lines were busy.
Peter, where were you, honey? I was Trying to think? Where was I? I was in I want to say New York.
Oh, really? No, L.
A.
, L.
A.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
That would be a different thing.
I was in L.
A.
My high school teacher was saying, "hey, you guys gotta get your shorts on.
" Uh, Honey, you were in your 30s in 2001.
- Oh, it was 2001? - I'll never forget.
And it was [Stuttering.]
Was it September of that year? It was pretty much covered by every major news source around the world as well as people filming-- No.
I remember, come on.
September 11th.
Every person, we were all bonded.
And I had I was And how many planes was it? Thirty three? No, there were, uh, four planes.
You guys all remember where you were? Yeah, take a sip of wine.
- Just relax a little bit.
- Bet he's tense.
- Is he tense? - Yeah, he definitely is tense.
My doctor says I have the softest muscles ever.
I'm so proud of that.
- Let it go.
- Let's just forget that you forgot.
Who cares? You remember where you were on 9/11, right? - I remember exactly where I was.
- Yeah, I do to.
Let's do this.
Let's get his memory jogged.
Keep drinking.
[Gong clashing.]
Ah, I got it.
I remember.
I was in Santa Barbara at a Circuit City and I remember I went in early - and all the TVs had it on the news.
- That's great.
I went in to get a CD player, and they were expensive, 400 bucks back then.
And we don't even buy CD players anymore.
- It was an Onkyo.
- Oh.
Do you notice something new about me? Take a close look.
My allergies are gone.
You know what? Your face does look smaller.
There you go.
Fresh batch.
Thank you for making ice tea.
You're my guy.
I am your guy.
- Do you like my new lotion? - Yeah, what is it? Cinnamon.
Tom Bombadil Tom Bombadil Tom Bombadil Tom Bombadil Tom Bombadil [Laughing.]
Hey, Joaquin.
Can you guys give me a ride? - Yeah.
- Cool.
Bye, that was fun.
Hey, good job.
Nice to se you guys.
Lot a fun, bye.
So, this is your car? Yeah.
Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
(Horn beeping) Sorry.
There we go.
Here.
I'll help you with that.
Just goes like this.
That's really quite small in there.
- Yes, but watch this.
- Okay.
- Just here - You know what? Okay No, no! Just go like this.
Hey, no - Dude - That's good.
Keep doing that.
Is it going to fit in there? - Oh no! - Does this need to go? - Two Three - Please don't Four Five - I'm gonna sue you guys.
- Why are you suing us? - You destroyed-- - What kind of vibe is that? You destroyed a beautiful instrument.
What happened to all the beautiful music we did? I don't I don't understand at all.
We're gonna do a car to car technique.
- Move out of the way.
- Got plenty of room.
No you don't.
Stop! Stop! You have have to stop! - Raven! - Does the car get bigger if you I found it.
The Chinese cup.
- It was in the car.
- That's amazing! Look! Made in China.
In it.
In the boundary of the country.
Yeah, no I understood.
Huh? Okay, how's that? Good and steady? It's not steady at all.
Okay, you live southeast, right? Well, yes, yes.
Stop, stop, seriously.
It's not secure.
The harp isn't secure.
This is not secure! It's not secure! [Harp music.]
It's actually pretty secure.
Hey, I was kind of, like, laughing in my sleep last night.
- Yeah.
- What was that? I was tickling you.
I saw this picture of myself sleeping, I loved it.
I know.
You took that one right? I loved it.
Hey, old man - Old man? - Hey, old man.
I can help you.
Yeah, hey, I was wondering if you knew of a breakfast/tapas place that just opened up? I'm sorry, you have more details? - We don't know it.
- Yeah.
Um, It's on Beech and Mississippi, I think.
Oh, the cool part of town.
I don't know.
We're not from here, so - Oh, welcome to Portland.
- Thank you.
Make yourselves at home.
This is your home too.
Let's see, what's a good way to get over there? - We're going to give you some really good directions.
- Okay.
I would say, uh, make a right on Gleason.
Take it down to the Morrison Bridge.
Morrison Bridge is closed.
Ah! The Morrison Bridge is closed because of construction.
- Ah, hold on - You know what? You're good at detours.
He's really good at detours.
- Ha ha hauh-huh.
- So that bridge is closed.
You want to get on that on ramp, which will not be closed.
Oh, you're on to something here.
As soon as you make a left on that, you make a right on - 32nd.
- You got it, Honey! Go through the parking lot there.
You're allowed to park in that parking lot.
Walk through there.
You know what, Bro, don't worry about it.
I'll just use my phone and map it.
If they were listening, those were some really good directions.
Wow! I mean, did we lose it? Do we not have that thing anymore? I didn't feel sexy or young or I think we are, I think we still have it.
Come on, we move and we dance.
- We do stuff.
- We bought that new rug last year.
We go out and do stuff all the time.
- Watch TV late.
- Yeah.
We love culture and we're crazy and make noise.
Go out and see music.
Remember, we saw the Allman Brothers.
- At the casino.
- Yeah, a whole concert, almost.
See this? Here, world.
Wanna see crazy? There you go.
And, and, and, we can do anything anyone else can do.
We're not-- No, we need to spice it up, huh? - We're gonna show everybody.
- We're gonna get crazy.
Go insane.
Do the crossword really quick.
What's a whistler on the range? [.]
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Selling clothes? - I am.
Okay Do you smoke a pipe? I don't know why I'm smelling a pipe on there.
I'm not going to do that one.
I clean all my clothes.
I do laundry once a week, and Oh my god.
Do you live in a banana farm? - No, I um - Ashby? I live in Southeast.
This is so funny, we were talking-- We thought these didn't exist anymore.
Like, who would wear these? But here it is.
So, that's gonna be a no on that one.
I think we'll do no on this.
And we'll do [Mouthing no.]
No on that.
I think we're gonna do no on the t-shirts.
Oh! Here we go.
Now we're talking.
This we're definitely not going to take.
Ashby, turn around.
Okay, I'm going to pull something out.
You can't laugh.
[Laughing.]
Have you seen the movie, The Net? It's a total inside joke.
- Did you see the movie, The Net? - The Neck? No, The Net, with Sandra Bullock? With Sandra Bullock, The Neck.
Anyway, that shirt reminds me of that, 'cause it's kind of about the internet.
And what were you interested in doing with this one? It's more donation.
Are you donating these or are you selling them? Whatever you don't want, I'd like to just donate, because-- Many of these clothing we're not gonna be able to take, because of the smell and some of the designs aren't sellable anymore.
Right, but a lot of places, like, if you don't-- What? [Laughing.]
You must have been so depressed when you wore these.
How great! We have to! [Laughing.]
These are hilarious.
Ah Whoa! They're so saggy.
They're not, actually, they're roomy.
Ashby [Laughing.]
Where'd you get these? I was dating this guy for a while.
He didn't like those.
He's an idiot.
These are hilarious.
Hee-hee-hee! Fifty cents, fifty cents, fifty cents.
Fifty cents All right.
That's $4.
In cash or trade? If you want to do cash, it comes out to $1.
65.
Which would you rather do? Um, I will do the cash.
- Cash? - Yeah.
All right, well, you have to clean all this up.
[.]
[Laughing.]
- Lance? - Yeah? Okay, well, I was just on Facebook, and I can't say I'm in a relationship with you if you're not even on there.
You don't even have a profile.
Who doesn't know we're together? Sid and Amy don't know we're together.
Tim, Dr.
Grossman, my dentist.
I feel like I made you up or something.
Nina Will you please join? Please? That smile All right.
Let's get this over with.
Okay, so Lance, I'm setting up your profile.
Ooh, philosophy.
What's your philosophy of life? What do you think it is? When life presents obstacles, I skip over them and jump as high as I can.
For it is when we jump that we can see the rays of the sunshine.
I would never write that.
Okay, we're gonna upload a photo.
Uh-uh.
I don't like getting my picture taken.
Why don't we do a photo shoot? (Camera clicking) Nina, I'm going to the bathroom! You have like 400 friends because of me, and you need to show me that you love me.
- I do love you.
- Will you put that on the Facebook page? No! No, I will not! Get out! Get out! Okay, Lance, I just put up a picture of myself.
You should write a comment.
- You look great.
- On the picture.
Okay, I'll do it.
Hey, that is hot-t-t-t-t-t-t-t! I thought you were one of those Brazilian chix.
Make a man blush! (Engine revving) Wha-- Ohh! Ah, Nina! [Phone buzzing.]
Nina! - Nina! - Lance, you posted on my wall.
New profile pic.
Thank you.
Nina! Nina! [.]
Oh, babe, I read in the Willamette Week that Huey Lewis and the News is coming to town.
- We gotta go.
- Yeah? - We gotta do it.
- Yeah.
I love live music.
- I love to watch you dance.
- Mmm [Laughing.]
[Bell ringing.]
Look at that thing.
Hey, old man Are you, are you lost? We're looking for this tapas place.
- Oh, the tapas place.
- The new tapas place.
That's going to be down off of Belmont and 30th.
Belmont? Lance one, we got, it's gonna be a right on Belmont, I believe we have to go.
What are you drinking? A little ice tea.
How are you guys doing there? Ha, Ice tea? What are you guys listening to classical music? [Laughing.]
Yeah, we're pretty wild, you know, we're just unpredictable and Ha, ha, yeah, we're kind of, you know We're pretty free.
We're very free yeah.
- Nice.
- That's great! Good for you! - Peter, it's not working! - Right on.
Got a couple of nice hogs, you know, a couple of choppers.
Okay.
Got a good old three-wheeler.
She's got a good old one- wheeler.
Hon, this isn't working.
Do they need help? Do you need help? Nah, we're good, we're fine.
Why would we need help? - Do you need help? - Peter! - Honey, call triple A.
- You want triple A? Ahh! - Oh my God - Easy does it.
My old lady.
Why are you guys just sitting on your porch? Might be kind of wild to see something else go on.
A little making out action.
We do this everywhere Peter! Are they trying to pick us up? I think so.
Peter! Peter! Kiss me! [Peter.]
Look at this.
I'll take you there Hey, friend Would you two like to come in for some Pinot Gris? - Yeah! - Yeah! We're spontaneous, we'll do anything.
They are cute.
- Where are you going? - I have that work dinner tonight.
I thought we were gonna watch movies tonight.
Sweetie, I told you about it last week.
I'm taking clients to Toro Bravo.
Ah, alright.
I'll just hang out and do whatever then.
You know what, please, this time, don't just watch a bunch of YouTube videos and then fall asleep with your clothes on and all the lights on in the house.
Doug That's it.
- I'm calling a sitter.
- Aw, come on! [Knocking on door.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You must be from the service.
- I am.
- Great, come on in.
Thank you for coming so last minute.
- Quite all right.
Doug's gonna want to drink beer tonight.
I would really prefer if he didn't have more than two.
All right.
Is he allowed to have a snack with his beer? He is, but make sure he eats something healthy, because when I'm not here he just wants to eat cereal all night.
Ah, right, yeah.
- And uh-- Oh, here is Doug.
- Hi.
He's allowed to watch TV.
He loves reality shows about logging or fishing, but if he starts just staring at the On Demand screen, - that's when it's time to turn it off.
- Okay.
'Cause what that leads to is him on IMDb and he does a lot of user comments for movies that have not come out yet.
And then it's just downhill from there.
So that's what we want to try to avoid.
But, you know what, make yourself at home.
I should be home around midnight.
- I'd like him to go down around 11:30.
- Got it.
- Okay, great.
- My name is Doug.
- I'm Ellen, I'll be helping you out tonight.
- Okay.
Okay.
I have to go.
Bye, sweetie.
Love you.
All right, bye, guys.
Have fun! - Bye.
We will.
- I don't need that much guidance.
If you want, you can camp out on the couch.
I'll do my thing.
You can do your thing-- But I'm here to help you do your thing.
The whole thing about the beers.
I'm allowed to have more than four.
Well, let's see how you do with one and then maybe another, okay? [Drumming.]
Okay, Buddy Rich.
Drum solo's over.
Well, I own this house.
I own these drums.
I should be able to play what I want to play.
- Do I have to take the drum sticks? - No you don't.
Imagine me on stage With a huge crowd.
Mm-hmm, great.
Get ready to do autographs, come on.
Front row! Are you in the front row? Are you in the front row? Did you get front row seats? Thank you! Thank you! You're welcome.
- What's this? - What's this? I'm an outlaw and the government has my family, - so I have to kill another outlaw.
- No you won't.
I want you to start putting your PJ's on right now.
Turn off the television.
Come on, we're gonna hit the hay, mister.
Now I'm dead.
Now they killed me.
I've got to start at the beginning of this mission again.
Your family will still be in trouble tomorrow, - I promise.
- God! I'll have to start at the beginning of the mission tomorrow.
[Knocking on door.]
Yes? Do you have your PJ's on? Did you brush your teeth? No! I don't know if I can share this yummy - Red Ale Beer with you then.
- What do you mean? - See? - Oh, you do have beer.
I sure do.
So So, how cool are you? Have you have any ink? Do I have any ink? No, I've never gotten any ink.
I do.
You have a tat-- - Wanna see it? - Yeah.
You gonna be good for the rest of the night? - Yes, I promise.
- All right then.
Whoa! Academy Award! - Yeah, and I deserve it.
- That's amazing! Cheers! To your tattoo.
To your future tattoo! Drink up! - All right.
- I won't tell Claire.
I bet that's exactly the time they decided they're going to have a tunnel.
They're not building a damn tunnel - to anywhere.
- I know.
Especially if it doesn't have an opening in the end.
No and then, yeah.
I mean - Oh, okay.
- Typical.
All righty, shh Now, come on.
That's a good boy.
Ellen? - Ellen? - Oh - I'm sorry I'm late.
- It's okay.
What time did he go down? About 11:30-ish.
Oh great, that's my guy.
Okay.
Well, thank you so much.
- Let's get you all squared away.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
We'll see you again.
- Night! Okay, goodnight.
[Belching.]
Oh, my God.
What is up with this beer? - Cheers! - Cheers! - Yes, this is great, you guys.
- New friends.
To the open road, going crazy.
- Experiencing life.
- Adventure.
Adventure and pushing everyone off the road, and to hell with them.
How long have you guys been riding them hogs? Oh, just a couple of hours, you know.
Let's throw caution to the wind.
Throw some pillows around.
You're going on a hike.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ma'am! - What? - Really, my wife is right there.
- And that's your husband.
- Well Yeah! - Well, what? - What's the problem? - We thought you recognized us.
- From where? We were on Real Sex Nine.
We don't know what that is.
It's a sex show, we were teaching a class on tantric sex and wife swapping.
- Yeah - No, we're We're fused.
To be fair, it was a long time ago.
When was that? We shot it right before 9/11, babe.
That's right.
Oh, I forgot that.
Do you guys remember that? Oh, of course, yeah.
You know, I was living up in Seattle at the time, and I got a call from my sister.
And I watched that first tower go down, and I just-- remember, neighbors would gather, you would call everyone.
All the lines were busy.
Peter, where were you, honey? I was Trying to think? Where was I? I was in I want to say New York.
Oh, really? No, L.
A.
, L.
A.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
That would be a different thing.
I was in L.
A.
My high school teacher was saying, "hey, you guys gotta get your shorts on.
" Uh, Honey, you were in your 30s in 2001.
- Oh, it was 2001? - I'll never forget.
And it was [Stuttering.]
Was it September of that year? It was pretty much covered by every major news source around the world as well as people filming-- No.
I remember, come on.
September 11th.
Every person, we were all bonded.
And I had I was And how many planes was it? Thirty three? No, there were, uh, four planes.
You guys all remember where you were? Yeah, take a sip of wine.
- Just relax a little bit.
- Bet he's tense.
- Is he tense? - Yeah, he definitely is tense.
My doctor says I have the softest muscles ever.
I'm so proud of that.
- Let it go.
- Let's just forget that you forgot.
Who cares? You remember where you were on 9/11, right? - I remember exactly where I was.
- Yeah, I do to.
Let's do this.
Let's get his memory jogged.
Keep drinking.
[Gong clashing.]
Ah, I got it.
I remember.
I was in Santa Barbara at a Circuit City and I remember I went in early - and all the TVs had it on the news.
- That's great.
I went in to get a CD player, and they were expensive, 400 bucks back then.
And we don't even buy CD players anymore.
- It was an Onkyo.
- Oh.
Do you notice something new about me? Take a close look.
My allergies are gone.
You know what? Your face does look smaller.
There you go.
Fresh batch.
Thank you for making ice tea.
You're my guy.
I am your guy.
- Do you like my new lotion? - Yeah, what is it? Cinnamon.