Preacher (2016) s02e07 Episode Script
Pig
1 Previously on AMC's "Preacher" I have to go get him something.
What? A soul.
You won't even miss it.
He's your dad, isn't he? No, he's my son.
[Gasping.]
- He touched me.
- It's yours.
Get on your knees.
[Grunts.]
[Water bubbling.]
Guys wearing white suits.
It was a religious organization with designs on world domination.
[Insects chirping.]
[Pig snorting.]
[Snorting continues.]
[Pig grunts.]
[Screaming.]
[Shouting in Vietnamese.]
[Screaming continues.]
[Car door closes.]
[Indistinct talking, shouting in distance.]
[Talking, shouting continue.]
Herr Starr: [Clears throat.]
[Snorts.]
[Squeals.]
[Crowd gasps, murmurs.]
[Inhales deeply.]
[Sighs.]
Shit.
[Snorts.]
[Indistinct talking.]
[Jazz music plays.]
[Motor stops.]
[Electricity crackles.]
Ow! [Moans.]
This one's for you, Charlie.
[Vomits.]
Oh, crap! Time is running out! It won't be long now! Y'all can try to ignore it.
But it's gonna be hard to ignore when your face is on fire! It's all about to be over.
Over! Over! Look for the signs, you sorry sonsabitches.
'Cause shit is about to get real! No God.
No men in white suits.
No nothin'.
Maybe I was wrong about this place.
Maybe it was a bad idea.
No.
New Orleans is never a bad idea, all right.
Look, there's more to the city than bloody jazz and almost getting killed.
I think we should just take a break, have some fun.
Yeah? I know Denis knows what I'm talking about, isn't that right, Denis? [Inhaler hisses.]
[Speaking French.]
[Laughs.]
[Dennis coughing.]
What do you think? Me? I-I'm up for whatever.
I know just the place.
[Gunshot.]
Crowd: Ten, nine, eight seven, six, five, four three, two, boom.
[Scattered cheers, boos.]
Yeah! [Indistinct shouting.]
Tulip: Hold up.
Hold up.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
All's you got to do is get shot and stand up?! Heck, my boyfriend will do that! What? Wh Uh, no.
I-I'm not sure I want to do that.
Oh, come on! It's like a what? Like a bee sting, right? [Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Like a bee sting.
[Laughter.]
Jesse: Excuse me.
Hold on now.
Hold on.
What do you think the good Lord would say about this? [Country music playing.]
I think he'd say, "Go back to your choir boys and mind your own business, preacher.
" Listen to your hearts, men.
Ask yourselves, "Is this really the right thing to do?" [Crowd murmuring.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize this was ladies' night! [Laughter.]
Now, I got a bunch of money.
You got a bunch of guns.
So why don't y'all stop being a bunch of bitches and shoot my boyfriend.
[Gunshots.]
What's your pleasure? Ooh.
Um the big ones pay more, right? Okay.
So, in that case Why not choose the biggest one? [Man chuckles.]
The biggest? If you have such a love for money and so little love for life, why not pick the biggest one they got? [Clears throat.]
Or maybe it's ladies' night, after all.
I think one of the smaller All right.
Biggest one it is.
You got it.
[Whistles.]
Oh, dear God.
You got this.
Okay? Remember, just hold your breath.
And I love you.
I love you, too.
[Man singing in Italian.]
Uh [Clears throat.]
- All right, gentle - [Loud gunshot.]
[Crowd gasps.]
Sweetie? Sweetie? Honey? He's gone.
What? No-o-o-o-o-o! Someone call the police.
- [Crowd murmuring.]
- You're all witnesses.
I call upon your Christian sense of decency to stand up and give your account.
[Door closes.]
[Grunts, groans.]
Here.
You okay? Are you kidding me? Open bar.
[Laughs.]
Reporter: In new footage from the Nghe An province of Vietnam, we're witnessing what some are referring to as a miracle and what others are dismissing as a simple hoax.
[Speaking French.]
[Blues music plays.]
[Indistinct chatter.]
Home.
I am having fun.
Yeah.
That kiss with Cass looked pretty fun.
Very convincing.
[Laughs.]
Yeah.
Come on.
You'll sleep tonight.
I don't want to sleep, Jesse.
How many times do I have to tell you? What is your problem? Ever since The Saint What's your problem, huh? Let's go.
Let's just go yourself.
- You can't just - You can't just - repeat everything - repeat everything - I say.
- I say.
[Laughing.]
That's not a comeback.
[Both laugh.]
He's gone, right? You sent him back to Hell? He's gone.
Come on.
Let's go home.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going? The night's still young! We haven't even drank the Armagnac yet! - [Door opens, closes.]
- Bollocks.
Sorry about that, Dennis.
Go on.
You were saying [Speaking French.]
Yeah.
I'm happy, too.
All right? Excuse me.
I couldn't help overhearing.
This man has been trying to tell you that he's very unhappy.
Yeah? And what the hell would you know about it? I'm a French professor from Tulane.
Oh, right.
Would you, uh would you mind, Professor? [Speaking French.]
Well, he And my condolences Says that he is dying.
What? Congestive, uh, heart disease.
He's been telling you that you've been an awful, uh, selfish, absent father.
Uh, he keeps repeating that there's something you can do, though, that would make it all up to him.
Yeah? W-What is it? I-I'll do anything.
He says that he wants to live forever.
And he thinks that you can help him do that.
What?! No.
No.
No! No.
Absolutely Absolutely not.
Do you hear me? No.
[Speaking French.]
He said then, um, he will die hating you.
Yeah.
Most people do.
[Door opens, closes.]
[Cork pops.]
Meanwhile, media specialists speculate that this may be simply a viral marketing ploy, publicizing an as-yet-unrevealed film or perhaps a weight-loss drug.
[Indistinct talking, chanting in distance.]
[Bells ringing in distance.]
Yes, it's serious.
They're praying to a pig.
This will require resources.
Prep the invalid scientist.
[Indistinct chatter.]
Mm! [Chopsticks clank.]
Mnh.
No, no.
I expect we'll need an extra 30 operatives, all fully equipped with, uh Second thought, never mind.
I have the situation under control.
[Phone beeps.]
You missed a spot.
I-I-I-I'm so sorry.
Don't worry, little boy.
I was young and careless once.
Klaus Helmut Starr.
Born Hamburg, Germany.
Only child of parents killed in a plane crash.
Orphaned at age 4.
Currently lieutenant-colonel of Germany's GSG 9 elite antiterrorism unit, where your exploits were numerous.
How was your flight? I hope you found the hotel accommodating.
I was told there'd be women.
Women? A high-end brothel staffed entirely by Ukrainian runaways.
There will be women in time, if that's your desire.
But it's my impression, Herr Starr, that what you really want is "to sweep the streets clean of the parasites that befoul our society and create a civilization based on the principles of absolute order and uncompromising discipline.
" Your words, I believe.
What if I told you that our organization feels exactly the same way you do? Like a 10-inch dick, I'd need to see it to believe it.
And maybe you shall.
Tell me Are you Christian, Herr Starr? Does it make a difference? This is just the first step in our organization's rigorous screening process.
Only the most deserving And, yes, pious Candidates will be considered.
Then I am very much a Christian.
[Electricity buzzing.]
[Motor whirring, vehicle approaching.]
[Tires screech, motor stops.]
[Vehicle door opens.]
[Vehicle door closes.]
[Footsteps approach.]
[Electricity crackles.]
He's one of mine.
[Clock ticking.]
[Bell tolls.]
[Scream.]
[Gasps.]
[Breathing heavily.]
[Clicking.]
[Siren wails distantly.]
[Wind whistles.]
[Dog barking distantly.]
[Window closes.]
[Creaks.]
[Clink.]
[Clink.]
[Door creaks.]
[Clink.]
[Electricity crackles, hums.]
[Clink.]
[Electricity buzzes.]
[Tea kettle whistles.]
[Whistling continues.]
[Whistling stops.]
[Wind whistles.]
[Ominous music plays.]
[Music stops.]
[Tea kettle whistles.]
[Whistling stops.]
[Ominous music plays.]
[Gasps.]
[Grunting.]
Shit.
Shit! Shit.
Shit.
Time's up.
[Gunshot.]
[Gasps.]
Man: "Hear me! And tremble and know the signs of the world to come! Look for the changes, for things impossible.
The dying land, the falling sky, the beasts of the field thrown into confusion.
" Hey.
How'd you sleep? I dreamt about him again.
And Cassidy's fingers falling like French fries on TV.
[Click.]
I'm sorry.
You were late.
You almost didn't make it.
I know.
I I mean, if it hadn't been for Cassidy I had my hands pretty full myself.
I got back, I stopped him, that's it.
Can't you feel it, Jesse? Hmm? That That "something's not right" feeling? No, I can't.
I don't know what to tell you, Tulip.
Where are you going? I'm gonna go talk to a man about the end of the world.
You want to come? 'Course you don't.
- Where's Cassidy? - I don't know.
[Door slams.]
[Dog barks distantly.]
[Up-tempo jazz music plays.]
[Knocking.]
Cassidy: Hello? Hello! [Knocking louder.]
Oh, bollocks.
Not again.
Saltonstall: Today you will compete in a series of trials designed to test your abilities.
You have all been selected because you are, simply put, the best.
The strongest.
The smartest.
The most able.
And yet, only one of you will prove worthy enough to join our ranks.
But before we begin, are there any questions? Do you validate parking? [Chuckles softly.]
No, we do not.
£12 an hour, and you don't validate? It's standard policy.
Then it should have been clearly stated as such beforehand so that I may have found street parking, or more likely, given the failure of this organization to in any way convenience me Not come at all.
Validate his car.
But Starr, from here on out, we do the testing.
[Blows whistle.]
Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom Zoom, zoom, zoom He was just a rookie trooper And he surely shook with fright He checked all his equipment And made sure his pack was tight He had to sit and listen to the awful engines roar "You ain't gonna jump no more!" We've come a long way when it comes to weapons of warfare.
But sometimes, there is no substitution for hand-to-hand violence.
- [Blows whistle.]
- Gory, gory - [Grunts.]
- What a helluva way to die Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die He ain't gonna jump no more! [Sighs.]
"Is everybody happy?" cried the Sergeant looking up Starr.
You're up.
and then they stood him up He jumped into the icy blast, his static line unhooked I want everyone to know that what is about to transpire, I take no pleasure in it.
And - [Blows whistle.]
- Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die What the hell are you doing?! What does it look like? I'm self-consummating.
Ugh.
Saltonstall: Very good.
Please, take note that a distraction, no matter how unseemly, can very often be the thing that turns the tide in your favor.
ain't gonna jump no more Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die Since the days of Cleopatra, sexuality has been a weapon deployed to gain leverage.
This is the art of seduction.
[Blows whistle.]
I know we come from different sides.
But I think No, I know We can put all that behind us.
We can make something beautiful and new.
All you have to do is meet me at the train station with the microfiche.
And time.
[Both chuckle.]
Whew.
Um anyone know where I can get a copy of that microfiche? [Laughter.]
Saltonstall: Yes.
Very good indeed.
Starr? [Clears throat.]
[Sniffles.]
And go.
I told you already, Mr.
Peterson, the answer is "no.
" I shouldn't even be meeting you right now.
Give me the microfiche, you bitch, or I'll kill you and your family.
- [Screaming.]
- Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die [Panting.]
Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die - [Screaming continues.]
- He ain't gonna jump no more Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom Zoom, zoom, zoom He hit the ground, the sound was "splat" His blood went spurting high His comrades, they were heard to say - "A helluva way to die!" - [Screams.]
He lay there, rolling 'round in the welter of his gore Two final candidates.
One last opportunity to prove your worth.
what a helluva way to die Proceed.
[Gunshots.]
Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die He ain't gonna jump no more Good luck.
Gory, gory What a helluva way to die Gory, gory [Gunshot.]
- [Splat, thud.]
- What a helluva way to die He ain't gonna jump no more Welcome to The Grail.
"The Grail"? Please, Herr Starr, have a seat.
For over 2,000 years, this organization has been at the very heart of world affairs.
What do you think is the source of our enduring power? I would imagine a combination of economic influence and sexual blackmail.
Some, of course.
But the true inspiration of our authority is Christ.
Hmm.
You seem disappointed.
I was hoping for something more in the vein of atomic warfare, not myths and legends.
This is no myth.
Christ lives on.
Yes, yes, he lives in our hearts.
No, Herr Starr.
Christ lives in a top-secret location guarded by machine guns.
Does he? Yes.
You see, before he sacrificed himself for our sins, our Lord gave a final gift to humanity He fathered a child.
For generations, The Grail has protected this holy lineage in preparation for one event The End Of The World.
Only God knows exactly when, but it will be soon.
We have been assured from sources at the highest levels.
And The Grail will be ready.
And at the exact moment that hope is abandoned, our Savior will reveal Himself to the frightened masses.
Ingenious.
The world on its knees, begging for direction like the ugly girl at a gang bang.
Your uniform.
Some of the men find it a bit flamboyant.
It's spectacular.
May I ask, what would be my specific role in all this? The Samson Unit of The Grail handles the false prophets, contenders to Christ's throne.
Our job is to rid the world of their competing narratives.
Charlemagne.
Lincoln.
Belushi.
You name it.
You will be my right-hand man.
[Distant traffic.]
The Grail killed Abraham Lincoln? Mm.
Yes, we did.
And why did we do that? He preserved the Union, won the war, sense of humor.
His polling was probably through the roof.
[Chuckles.]
Something tells me you're going to do great things here, Herr Starr.
Thank you for this opportunity.
[Screams.]
[Crash.]
[Vehicle horns honking, screaming.]
[Sighs.]
[Click.]
[Ominous music plays.]
Man: Blood, people! Blood and brains and people screaming until their lungs hurt.
That's how bad it's gonna be! That is what's coming! So watch your asses.
I'm taking five.
Don't forget the beer bucket.
Ah, Father! I noticed you standing there.
Always good to see a fellow soldier for the Lord.
Question for you? Hit me.
Are you crazy or just a con man? And those are my only two choices? 'Cause I normally describe myself as a "left-handed alcoholic sinner child of God.
" [Indistinct chatter.]
I didn't mean to insult you.
It's just, I've been wondering about the end of the world.
Well buy me a beer.
We'll wonder together.
Sorry again about the confusion.
Ever since the carts started operating in tandem, you'd be surprised how much this happens.
Mm.
I'm used to it.
Alcohol and a lack of vital signs'll do it to ya every time.
[Woman sobbing.]
Aw.
Poor people.
I'd rather be them than him.
Yeah.
[Sobbing continues.]
[Snoring.]
[Gunshot.]
Ten, nine, eight, seven six, five, fo [Clears throat.]
I'm real sorry about your boyfriend, ma'am.
Terrible loss.
Y'all should be sorry.
We robbed you assholes blind.
[Murmuring.]
That wasn't my boyfriend.
And he wasn't dead.
We came in here, played y'all for the idiots y'all are [Murmuring increases.]
took your money, and drank your beer.
So put your Goddamn hats back on.
And tell me which one of you banjo-diddling little bitches has got the balls to earn your money back.
[Cheering.]
[Ominous music plays.]
[Gun cocks.]
[Gunshot.]
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four [Breathing heavily.]
Again.
[Jazz music plays softly.]
So.
The world's ending, huh? Mm-hmm.
Why? What makes you say that? Common sense.
Science.
The world's been ending since it started.
That's not an answer.
What's the question? What are you looking for? Proof? Well, that's what you're advertising here, right? "Signs of the Apocalypse" and all that? Ah that's mostly just metaphor.
I hear things.
I see things.
People come up to me, they say all sorts of crazy stuff.
And there has been an uptick ever since Tom Cruise exploded, no question.
The Cubs winning [Both chuckle.]
Trump, this This flying pig.
That's real wrath of God stuff, right? But sooner or later, there's always an explanation Strong pitching, KGB interference, whatever.
In the end, there's always a good reason.
So you're just out here scaring people? For money? They're already scared.
They come listen to me talk about the end of the world so they can worry about that instead of what really scares them.
Which is what? Themselves.
What is more frightening than who we are and what we done? Well, I have got car payments and a drinking problem, so I should probably get back to it.
- [Moans.]
- Hey.
You hear about this whole fractional "soul-selling" thing? The Japanese, sure.
This parishioner came to me about it.
He's thinking about selling a small amount of his, you know.
And, of course, I said, "No way.
" But this guy was in quite a tough situation.
Friends were in trouble, needed help.
Hmm.
So by selling off this small part of his soul.
And I mean, tiny, like one percent I thought maybe it was a sacrifice worth making.
You know? I would tell your parishioner that if he wants to help his friends, he should give a kidney.
And if you're looking for signs of the apocalypse, I would start with men selling off their souls.
[Birds chirping.]
[Water dripping.]
The situation has been handled.
Where to next? Man: New Orleans, sir.
And the target? Uh, a preacher.
"Jesse Custer.
" I'm on my way.
[Ominous music plays.]
Man: [Via speech synthesizer.]
The water was highly toxic.
Reporter: I'm sorry, but would you mind explaining it again? The water killed the whole village.
Made the pig float.
The water made the pig float? How could contaminated water produce such an unusual effect? It was saturated with hydrogen atoms.
Permeated the pig's tissue.
Resulted in limited levitation.
Like a meat balloon.
"Meat balloon"? Meat balloon.
- It just seems so incredible.
- Remind me Are you a scientist? No.
Well, then shut up.
What? A soul.
You won't even miss it.
He's your dad, isn't he? No, he's my son.
[Gasping.]
- He touched me.
- It's yours.
Get on your knees.
[Grunts.]
[Water bubbling.]
Guys wearing white suits.
It was a religious organization with designs on world domination.
[Insects chirping.]
[Pig snorting.]
[Snorting continues.]
[Pig grunts.]
[Screaming.]
[Shouting in Vietnamese.]
[Screaming continues.]
[Car door closes.]
[Indistinct talking, shouting in distance.]
[Talking, shouting continue.]
Herr Starr: [Clears throat.]
[Snorts.]
[Squeals.]
[Crowd gasps, murmurs.]
[Inhales deeply.]
[Sighs.]
Shit.
[Snorts.]
[Indistinct talking.]
[Jazz music plays.]
[Motor stops.]
[Electricity crackles.]
Ow! [Moans.]
This one's for you, Charlie.
[Vomits.]
Oh, crap! Time is running out! It won't be long now! Y'all can try to ignore it.
But it's gonna be hard to ignore when your face is on fire! It's all about to be over.
Over! Over! Look for the signs, you sorry sonsabitches.
'Cause shit is about to get real! No God.
No men in white suits.
No nothin'.
Maybe I was wrong about this place.
Maybe it was a bad idea.
No.
New Orleans is never a bad idea, all right.
Look, there's more to the city than bloody jazz and almost getting killed.
I think we should just take a break, have some fun.
Yeah? I know Denis knows what I'm talking about, isn't that right, Denis? [Inhaler hisses.]
[Speaking French.]
[Laughs.]
[Dennis coughing.]
What do you think? Me? I-I'm up for whatever.
I know just the place.
[Gunshot.]
Crowd: Ten, nine, eight seven, six, five, four three, two, boom.
[Scattered cheers, boos.]
Yeah! [Indistinct shouting.]
Tulip: Hold up.
Hold up.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
All's you got to do is get shot and stand up?! Heck, my boyfriend will do that! What? Wh Uh, no.
I-I'm not sure I want to do that.
Oh, come on! It's like a what? Like a bee sting, right? [Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Like a bee sting.
[Laughter.]
Jesse: Excuse me.
Hold on now.
Hold on.
What do you think the good Lord would say about this? [Country music playing.]
I think he'd say, "Go back to your choir boys and mind your own business, preacher.
" Listen to your hearts, men.
Ask yourselves, "Is this really the right thing to do?" [Crowd murmuring.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize this was ladies' night! [Laughter.]
Now, I got a bunch of money.
You got a bunch of guns.
So why don't y'all stop being a bunch of bitches and shoot my boyfriend.
[Gunshots.]
What's your pleasure? Ooh.
Um the big ones pay more, right? Okay.
So, in that case Why not choose the biggest one? [Man chuckles.]
The biggest? If you have such a love for money and so little love for life, why not pick the biggest one they got? [Clears throat.]
Or maybe it's ladies' night, after all.
I think one of the smaller All right.
Biggest one it is.
You got it.
[Whistles.]
Oh, dear God.
You got this.
Okay? Remember, just hold your breath.
And I love you.
I love you, too.
[Man singing in Italian.]
Uh [Clears throat.]
- All right, gentle - [Loud gunshot.]
[Crowd gasps.]
Sweetie? Sweetie? Honey? He's gone.
What? No-o-o-o-o-o! Someone call the police.
- [Crowd murmuring.]
- You're all witnesses.
I call upon your Christian sense of decency to stand up and give your account.
[Door closes.]
[Grunts, groans.]
Here.
You okay? Are you kidding me? Open bar.
[Laughs.]
Reporter: In new footage from the Nghe An province of Vietnam, we're witnessing what some are referring to as a miracle and what others are dismissing as a simple hoax.
[Speaking French.]
[Blues music plays.]
[Indistinct chatter.]
Home.
I am having fun.
Yeah.
That kiss with Cass looked pretty fun.
Very convincing.
[Laughs.]
Yeah.
Come on.
You'll sleep tonight.
I don't want to sleep, Jesse.
How many times do I have to tell you? What is your problem? Ever since The Saint What's your problem, huh? Let's go.
Let's just go yourself.
- You can't just - You can't just - repeat everything - repeat everything - I say.
- I say.
[Laughing.]
That's not a comeback.
[Both laugh.]
He's gone, right? You sent him back to Hell? He's gone.
Come on.
Let's go home.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going? The night's still young! We haven't even drank the Armagnac yet! - [Door opens, closes.]
- Bollocks.
Sorry about that, Dennis.
Go on.
You were saying [Speaking French.]
Yeah.
I'm happy, too.
All right? Excuse me.
I couldn't help overhearing.
This man has been trying to tell you that he's very unhappy.
Yeah? And what the hell would you know about it? I'm a French professor from Tulane.
Oh, right.
Would you, uh would you mind, Professor? [Speaking French.]
Well, he And my condolences Says that he is dying.
What? Congestive, uh, heart disease.
He's been telling you that you've been an awful, uh, selfish, absent father.
Uh, he keeps repeating that there's something you can do, though, that would make it all up to him.
Yeah? W-What is it? I-I'll do anything.
He says that he wants to live forever.
And he thinks that you can help him do that.
What?! No.
No.
No! No.
Absolutely Absolutely not.
Do you hear me? No.
[Speaking French.]
He said then, um, he will die hating you.
Yeah.
Most people do.
[Door opens, closes.]
[Cork pops.]
Meanwhile, media specialists speculate that this may be simply a viral marketing ploy, publicizing an as-yet-unrevealed film or perhaps a weight-loss drug.
[Indistinct talking, chanting in distance.]
[Bells ringing in distance.]
Yes, it's serious.
They're praying to a pig.
This will require resources.
Prep the invalid scientist.
[Indistinct chatter.]
Mm! [Chopsticks clank.]
Mnh.
No, no.
I expect we'll need an extra 30 operatives, all fully equipped with, uh Second thought, never mind.
I have the situation under control.
[Phone beeps.]
You missed a spot.
I-I-I-I'm so sorry.
Don't worry, little boy.
I was young and careless once.
Klaus Helmut Starr.
Born Hamburg, Germany.
Only child of parents killed in a plane crash.
Orphaned at age 4.
Currently lieutenant-colonel of Germany's GSG 9 elite antiterrorism unit, where your exploits were numerous.
How was your flight? I hope you found the hotel accommodating.
I was told there'd be women.
Women? A high-end brothel staffed entirely by Ukrainian runaways.
There will be women in time, if that's your desire.
But it's my impression, Herr Starr, that what you really want is "to sweep the streets clean of the parasites that befoul our society and create a civilization based on the principles of absolute order and uncompromising discipline.
" Your words, I believe.
What if I told you that our organization feels exactly the same way you do? Like a 10-inch dick, I'd need to see it to believe it.
And maybe you shall.
Tell me Are you Christian, Herr Starr? Does it make a difference? This is just the first step in our organization's rigorous screening process.
Only the most deserving And, yes, pious Candidates will be considered.
Then I am very much a Christian.
[Electricity buzzing.]
[Motor whirring, vehicle approaching.]
[Tires screech, motor stops.]
[Vehicle door opens.]
[Vehicle door closes.]
[Footsteps approach.]
[Electricity crackles.]
He's one of mine.
[Clock ticking.]
[Bell tolls.]
[Scream.]
[Gasps.]
[Breathing heavily.]
[Clicking.]
[Siren wails distantly.]
[Wind whistles.]
[Dog barking distantly.]
[Window closes.]
[Creaks.]
[Clink.]
[Clink.]
[Door creaks.]
[Clink.]
[Electricity crackles, hums.]
[Clink.]
[Electricity buzzes.]
[Tea kettle whistles.]
[Whistling continues.]
[Whistling stops.]
[Wind whistles.]
[Ominous music plays.]
[Music stops.]
[Tea kettle whistles.]
[Whistling stops.]
[Ominous music plays.]
[Gasps.]
[Grunting.]
Shit.
Shit! Shit.
Shit.
Time's up.
[Gunshot.]
[Gasps.]
Man: "Hear me! And tremble and know the signs of the world to come! Look for the changes, for things impossible.
The dying land, the falling sky, the beasts of the field thrown into confusion.
" Hey.
How'd you sleep? I dreamt about him again.
And Cassidy's fingers falling like French fries on TV.
[Click.]
I'm sorry.
You were late.
You almost didn't make it.
I know.
I I mean, if it hadn't been for Cassidy I had my hands pretty full myself.
I got back, I stopped him, that's it.
Can't you feel it, Jesse? Hmm? That That "something's not right" feeling? No, I can't.
I don't know what to tell you, Tulip.
Where are you going? I'm gonna go talk to a man about the end of the world.
You want to come? 'Course you don't.
- Where's Cassidy? - I don't know.
[Door slams.]
[Dog barks distantly.]
[Up-tempo jazz music plays.]
[Knocking.]
Cassidy: Hello? Hello! [Knocking louder.]
Oh, bollocks.
Not again.
Saltonstall: Today you will compete in a series of trials designed to test your abilities.
You have all been selected because you are, simply put, the best.
The strongest.
The smartest.
The most able.
And yet, only one of you will prove worthy enough to join our ranks.
But before we begin, are there any questions? Do you validate parking? [Chuckles softly.]
No, we do not.
£12 an hour, and you don't validate? It's standard policy.
Then it should have been clearly stated as such beforehand so that I may have found street parking, or more likely, given the failure of this organization to in any way convenience me Not come at all.
Validate his car.
But Starr, from here on out, we do the testing.
[Blows whistle.]
Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom Zoom, zoom, zoom He was just a rookie trooper And he surely shook with fright He checked all his equipment And made sure his pack was tight He had to sit and listen to the awful engines roar "You ain't gonna jump no more!" We've come a long way when it comes to weapons of warfare.
But sometimes, there is no substitution for hand-to-hand violence.
- [Blows whistle.]
- Gory, gory - [Grunts.]
- What a helluva way to die Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die He ain't gonna jump no more! [Sighs.]
"Is everybody happy?" cried the Sergeant looking up Starr.
You're up.
and then they stood him up He jumped into the icy blast, his static line unhooked I want everyone to know that what is about to transpire, I take no pleasure in it.
And - [Blows whistle.]
- Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die What the hell are you doing?! What does it look like? I'm self-consummating.
Ugh.
Saltonstall: Very good.
Please, take note that a distraction, no matter how unseemly, can very often be the thing that turns the tide in your favor.
ain't gonna jump no more Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die Since the days of Cleopatra, sexuality has been a weapon deployed to gain leverage.
This is the art of seduction.
[Blows whistle.]
I know we come from different sides.
But I think No, I know We can put all that behind us.
We can make something beautiful and new.
All you have to do is meet me at the train station with the microfiche.
And time.
[Both chuckle.]
Whew.
Um anyone know where I can get a copy of that microfiche? [Laughter.]
Saltonstall: Yes.
Very good indeed.
Starr? [Clears throat.]
[Sniffles.]
And go.
I told you already, Mr.
Peterson, the answer is "no.
" I shouldn't even be meeting you right now.
Give me the microfiche, you bitch, or I'll kill you and your family.
- [Screaming.]
- Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die [Panting.]
Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die - [Screaming continues.]
- He ain't gonna jump no more Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom Zoom, zoom, zoom He hit the ground, the sound was "splat" His blood went spurting high His comrades, they were heard to say - "A helluva way to die!" - [Screams.]
He lay there, rolling 'round in the welter of his gore Two final candidates.
One last opportunity to prove your worth.
what a helluva way to die Proceed.
[Gunshots.]
Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die He ain't gonna jump no more Good luck.
Gory, gory What a helluva way to die Gory, gory [Gunshot.]
- [Splat, thud.]
- What a helluva way to die He ain't gonna jump no more Welcome to The Grail.
"The Grail"? Please, Herr Starr, have a seat.
For over 2,000 years, this organization has been at the very heart of world affairs.
What do you think is the source of our enduring power? I would imagine a combination of economic influence and sexual blackmail.
Some, of course.
But the true inspiration of our authority is Christ.
Hmm.
You seem disappointed.
I was hoping for something more in the vein of atomic warfare, not myths and legends.
This is no myth.
Christ lives on.
Yes, yes, he lives in our hearts.
No, Herr Starr.
Christ lives in a top-secret location guarded by machine guns.
Does he? Yes.
You see, before he sacrificed himself for our sins, our Lord gave a final gift to humanity He fathered a child.
For generations, The Grail has protected this holy lineage in preparation for one event The End Of The World.
Only God knows exactly when, but it will be soon.
We have been assured from sources at the highest levels.
And The Grail will be ready.
And at the exact moment that hope is abandoned, our Savior will reveal Himself to the frightened masses.
Ingenious.
The world on its knees, begging for direction like the ugly girl at a gang bang.
Your uniform.
Some of the men find it a bit flamboyant.
It's spectacular.
May I ask, what would be my specific role in all this? The Samson Unit of The Grail handles the false prophets, contenders to Christ's throne.
Our job is to rid the world of their competing narratives.
Charlemagne.
Lincoln.
Belushi.
You name it.
You will be my right-hand man.
[Distant traffic.]
The Grail killed Abraham Lincoln? Mm.
Yes, we did.
And why did we do that? He preserved the Union, won the war, sense of humor.
His polling was probably through the roof.
[Chuckles.]
Something tells me you're going to do great things here, Herr Starr.
Thank you for this opportunity.
[Screams.]
[Crash.]
[Vehicle horns honking, screaming.]
[Sighs.]
[Click.]
[Ominous music plays.]
Man: Blood, people! Blood and brains and people screaming until their lungs hurt.
That's how bad it's gonna be! That is what's coming! So watch your asses.
I'm taking five.
Don't forget the beer bucket.
Ah, Father! I noticed you standing there.
Always good to see a fellow soldier for the Lord.
Question for you? Hit me.
Are you crazy or just a con man? And those are my only two choices? 'Cause I normally describe myself as a "left-handed alcoholic sinner child of God.
" [Indistinct chatter.]
I didn't mean to insult you.
It's just, I've been wondering about the end of the world.
Well buy me a beer.
We'll wonder together.
Sorry again about the confusion.
Ever since the carts started operating in tandem, you'd be surprised how much this happens.
Mm.
I'm used to it.
Alcohol and a lack of vital signs'll do it to ya every time.
[Woman sobbing.]
Aw.
Poor people.
I'd rather be them than him.
Yeah.
[Sobbing continues.]
[Snoring.]
[Gunshot.]
Ten, nine, eight, seven six, five, fo [Clears throat.]
I'm real sorry about your boyfriend, ma'am.
Terrible loss.
Y'all should be sorry.
We robbed you assholes blind.
[Murmuring.]
That wasn't my boyfriend.
And he wasn't dead.
We came in here, played y'all for the idiots y'all are [Murmuring increases.]
took your money, and drank your beer.
So put your Goddamn hats back on.
And tell me which one of you banjo-diddling little bitches has got the balls to earn your money back.
[Cheering.]
[Ominous music plays.]
[Gun cocks.]
[Gunshot.]
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four [Breathing heavily.]
Again.
[Jazz music plays softly.]
So.
The world's ending, huh? Mm-hmm.
Why? What makes you say that? Common sense.
Science.
The world's been ending since it started.
That's not an answer.
What's the question? What are you looking for? Proof? Well, that's what you're advertising here, right? "Signs of the Apocalypse" and all that? Ah that's mostly just metaphor.
I hear things.
I see things.
People come up to me, they say all sorts of crazy stuff.
And there has been an uptick ever since Tom Cruise exploded, no question.
The Cubs winning [Both chuckle.]
Trump, this This flying pig.
That's real wrath of God stuff, right? But sooner or later, there's always an explanation Strong pitching, KGB interference, whatever.
In the end, there's always a good reason.
So you're just out here scaring people? For money? They're already scared.
They come listen to me talk about the end of the world so they can worry about that instead of what really scares them.
Which is what? Themselves.
What is more frightening than who we are and what we done? Well, I have got car payments and a drinking problem, so I should probably get back to it.
- [Moans.]
- Hey.
You hear about this whole fractional "soul-selling" thing? The Japanese, sure.
This parishioner came to me about it.
He's thinking about selling a small amount of his, you know.
And, of course, I said, "No way.
" But this guy was in quite a tough situation.
Friends were in trouble, needed help.
Hmm.
So by selling off this small part of his soul.
And I mean, tiny, like one percent I thought maybe it was a sacrifice worth making.
You know? I would tell your parishioner that if he wants to help his friends, he should give a kidney.
And if you're looking for signs of the apocalypse, I would start with men selling off their souls.
[Birds chirping.]
[Water dripping.]
The situation has been handled.
Where to next? Man: New Orleans, sir.
And the target? Uh, a preacher.
"Jesse Custer.
" I'm on my way.
[Ominous music plays.]
Man: [Via speech synthesizer.]
The water was highly toxic.
Reporter: I'm sorry, but would you mind explaining it again? The water killed the whole village.
Made the pig float.
The water made the pig float? How could contaminated water produce such an unusual effect? It was saturated with hydrogen atoms.
Permeated the pig's tissue.
Resulted in limited levitation.
Like a meat balloon.
"Meat balloon"? Meat balloon.
- It just seems so incredible.
- Remind me Are you a scientist? No.
Well, then shut up.