Pulling (2006) s02e07 Episode Script

1 [SOUNDTRACK PLAYING.]
Surprise.
Oh, my God.
Stephan, there must be like thousands.
4500 to be precise.
Four thousand five-- This is too much.
I mean, I can't accept this.
Are you sure? I mean, Jesus, thanks.
-You're not keeping it, Donna.
-What? I'm not giving it to you.
I just wanna have sex on it.
-On the money? -Yeah.
-Like role-play sort of thing? -Yeah.
Sex on money.
-Oh, so like fantasy, so like -Yeah, sex on money.
Ok.
What, and then I get it? [BOTH MOANING.]
[MARTIN GRUNTING.]
[MARTIN MOANING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING OVER TELEVISION.]
-Pop out and get us a beer.
-What? Beer.
In the fridge.
You have one yourself.
Yeah, course.
Do you wanna sandwich? [INDISTINCT CHATTERING OVER TELEVISION.]
Uh, bacon, please.
Do you know something, Martin? This is lovely.
STEPHAN: Oh, yeah.
You love it, don't you? Yeah, you love my money.
That's it.
Look at it.
-Hmm? Oh! -Look at my money.
Yeah, look at my money.
Look at my money.
Look at my money.
Look at my money.
Look at my money.
Look at my money.
Look at my money.
Look at my money.
Look at my money! PULLING -Harder! harder! -Shut your stupid face! Why you doing me like a pansy boy? With your spotty ass, you're lucky I put it in you.
-You stink! -Good, I want to stink.
-Oh, I love you so much.
-I love you, too, booby-cheeks.
[BOTH MOANING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING OVER TELEVISION.]
What are you doing? Oh, right.
Well, got to meet Karen at 2, and then we're gonna go pick Louise up from the airport.
God, I wonder has she changed.
Six months.
I know I have.
I've changed, I've.
Well, I've got a fringe now.
And, well, it's grown out a bit.
But, uh, but, yeah, that's not till 2.
So I'm gonna potter around here for a while.
Right.
Well, I'm leaving now, so you've got to go.
[LAUGHS.]
But I don't have to meet them for three hours.
-I'll have to hang around.
-Ok.
-What? I can hang around here? -No.
No? You're saying no? No, I can't hang around here? Donna, get out.
What? Are you insane talking to me like that? You really better consider what you're saying, Stephan.
Otherwise, this whole thing is possibly right in danger of being really, very, very in jeopardy.
Ok? Now, I'm gonna ask you again.
You think before you answer.
Can I hang around here before picking up Louise from the airport? No, get out.
Right.
Right, ok, fine.
I happen to have to go to the library anyway.
Or the zoo.
I think, yeah, I actually have to go to the zoo.
So that's fine.
But you should fucking think about what happened here today.
What the frick time is this? You're late.
Sorry, was unavoidable delayed.
They got a monkey at the zoo who looks like Jamie Cullum.
He was wanking with his feet.
What's with your face? Have you been crying? -Nothing's the matter.
-Look like someone's hit you.
I'm not wearing any makeup, that's all.
What? Jesus Christ, Karen.
Martin thinks there's a time and a place for makeup.
I happen to agree.
Karen, you cannot have a man tell you not to wear makeup.
Women fought for your right to wear makeup.
You owe it to the suffragettes to put some foundation on.
I don't know, Donna.
This thing with Martin, it's a whole new way of life.
I feel I've found the secret to happiness.
Make your man happy, subjugate your needs to his.
It's so simple.
Look, I'm not saying we shouldn't have the vote.
But when you think about it, I never voted anyway.
Is it a sex thing? I'm making him a pie tonight.
That reminds me.
I've got to go to the butcher before it shuts.
He won't eat fatty mince.
LOUISE: Hi!! -Jesus Christ! -What the fuck? -What have you done? -Where's your cheeks? I had Amoebic dysentery.
Christ, Louise, how many Amoebas did you eat? [GIRLS LAUGHING.]
LOUISE: Oh, my God! Wow! Donna, Karen.
I'd like you to meet Greg.
My man.
I mean, we only met two months ago.
But you know when you meet that special someone and you just think, I'm having that.
And he's just a laugh, you know.
We laugh and laugh, don't we? We laugh, and laugh, and laugh.
Well, laughter is the best medicine.
Oh, he's always coming out with things like that.
He's great, isn't he? I'm moving in with Greg.
Isn't that fantastic? I'll get us a taxi.
Uh, then we can all get in it and talk more.
Yeah, yeah, great.
Aw, he's just lovely Let's go, now, now, now! Forget the bags, just go.
Just go.
They're just things.
I can replace things.
-Louise, he can see us.
-Shit! What am I gonna do? I've got to get rid of him.
I'm gonna kill myself.
Why did you say all that stuff about him being brilliant? Because he saved my life from a mudslide! Have you ever been hit by 15,000 cubic tones of mud? It's not as much fun as it sounds, you know.
He's a hero.
I fell in love with a hero on holiday.
-Then what's the problem? -He's a fucking goon.
You don't notice when you're abroad.
You're sitting on a beach, watching the sun go down and he says, "Life is like an ocean.
" And you think , yeah, great, life is like an ocean.
Let's have sex.
But life isn't like an ocean.
How is life like a ocean? In what way is life like an ocean? That's not gonna work! Not here! Not in England! Oh, my God! He's coming back! What am I gonna do? Don't worry.
I'll distract him.
Donna, talk to lollipop head.
Right, Louise, listen to me.
You just talk to him, ok? You don't need to live with a man you don't love unless you have kids or a mortgage.
And you don't have either.
-Look.
-Right, I've got an idea.
Just whatever I say, back me up.
Yeah.
Right, I got us a cab.
We can just get in it now.
Greg, listen, um, Donna and Karen have asked me to move back in with them.
No way you're moving in with us.
Because they really want me to-- No way, forget it.
Did you tell her that? She can't move in.
It's a matchbox.
It's fricking tiny.
No fricking way is she fricking moving in.
No way ho-fricking-say.
Well, that's great.
Because then me and Greg can move in together, and basically be together forever.
Or until death's release.
Here we are! Cozy, eh? All in one room, together.
Is, is that a single bed? Snuggley-buggley.
It's got everything we need.
It's like one of those sinks at McDonald's.
Everything's here, just compact.
Louise, you're gonna love this.
Look.
You can actually reach the cooker from in bed.
How cool is that? It's like having a servant.
-Let's get a puppy.
-What? What's your color puppy? I like brown, they're more loyal.
Greg, we can't get a puppy.
That's a big commitment.
And, I mean I'm not saying we shouldn't do committed things.
But what happens if one of us gets run over? What's the puppy gonna think? It'll be great.
You, me, the puppy.
Building a life together.
Just like we planned in the mud.
And who knows, maybe one day the patter of six little feet instead of just four? You wanna get a spider? Nice.
Nice, nice pie.
It's a little soggy.
I'm telling this for next time.
I know you like to get it right.
I would say just a little less oil as you're browning the onions.
And reduce the stock just a touch more.
Other than that, eight out of ten.
-What? What is it? -Oh, it's nothing.
Well, it's just mustard.
There's no mustard.
There's mustard there on the table.
It's wholegrain, Karen.
Beef and onion pie needs English.
Well, I could always pop out and get some.
Yeah, yeah, I'll just pop out.
-Well, it does need it.
-Ok, be back in a minute.
Love you, babes.
Right, I'm off out tonight.
So you're gonna have to go.
We're entertaining these guys from Bahrain.
Stephan, that is not on.
I should be coming with you.
I'm great in those situations.
I'm an asset.
I love Arabs.
You wanna come? Well, only if you want me to.
I'm not forcing you.
Yeah, yeah I would like to come.
Ok.
Ok, Donna, you can come.
Well, great.
That's great.
I'm gonna say you're an escort, though.
An escort? What are you talking about, an escort? Are you serious? I'm not gonna pretend.
Why do I have to pretend? Or what? I just show up with a girlfriend I've never even mentioned.
These are family people, Donna.
These are important to them.
You can show up with an escort? That's fine? Yeah, that's fine.
Oh, my God.
That's what this is about, isn't it? I'm not good enough to be your girlfriend, but I'm good enough to be a high class prostitute.
Yeah, great, fine.
Well, you can just stick that right up your big, posh ass.
You think I'd do that? How can you ask me? Well, you know what? You can just piss off to-- -Where is it you're going? -Uh, Kiki's.
Well, you can just piss off to-- -What, in Kensington? -Yeah.
Where Harry and Wills are always getting pissed? -With the booths with a table? -Yes, with the booths.
-And you're paying for all that? -Uh, yeah.
Ok, fine, I'm coming then.
But you make me sick.
-Karn? How you doing? -Oh, frick.
[SLURRING.]
I just saw you, I thought, how's it going? I haven't seen you since.
Christ, Billy.
Look at the state of you.
Had some bad news, Karen.
So I've been self medicating, spose, or.
-What bad news? -What bad news? That's what I'm asking you! We should get together.
Have a coffee, Tia Maria, or something, cake.
Billy, what bad news? Cancer.
Shh.
I've got bowl cancer.
Yeah, who would have thought my liver outlasted my bowel.
Are you serious? Quite serious, yeah.
I'm gonna die.
[CHUCKLES.]
Christ.
What are you doing like this when you're ill? When they told me, right, I thought I could try do all things that I never did, but wanted to, you know? I made a list.
Sky dive.
Drive a train.
Swim with dolphs.
Like them.
But the problem was, the first thing on the list was to do a big shit load of drink and drugs.
Sort of slow things down a bit on the list front.
[SIGHS.]
Are you serious? You got cancer? Yeah, sorry.
Sorry, Karn.
Yeah, right, well, look I better go.
Look, I'll give you my number.
Actually it's not my number.
It's Tom's number.
I don't know Tom, but he's a mate of Darren.
And I'm sleeping on Darren's garage this week.
You look great.
Apart from.
-Is that cold now? -Mm, it's a bit, love.
You can just nuke that for a couple of minutes.
Then just sit yourself down, have a rest.
I, um, I just bumped into an old friend of mine.
It was an ex boyfriend actually.
-He's got cancer.
-God.
I know.
He's really ill.
He's on his own.
I can't help thinking I should go around there.
No.
No, you don't wanna do that, Karen.
But he's dying.
Yeah, and that's, that's awful.
But, no, don't go around there.
You don't wanna upset yourself.
-I don't know.
I'll sleep on it.
-No.
-What? -Ex boyfriends? I'm sorry, Karen, I'm afraid this is gonna have to be a no.
[MICROWAVE TIMER BEEPS.]
I think the food's ready.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Oh, careful, love.
That's a bit spicy.
No, what are you doing? That's too much, that's.
Karen this is.
Oh, I see.
Right, well, that's not very clever, is it? Because you're only ruining your own work.
So who's sorry? Yeah, more, more.
You're only hurting yourself.
Right, that's it, Karen.
I'm going down the pub to get something to eat.
You have really disappointed me today, Karen.
Donna, what's the problem? -You're really over-reacting.
-Over-reacting? You had another escort booked.
I've just spent the entire night with you and another escort.
I was supposed to be your escort tonight.
Me! From an agency! How many times do I have to say, I forgot I booked her.
Look, it's a business thing.
It's just about appearances.
Is that why you spent the night cozying up to her? Donna, I had my arm around you as much as her.
Stephan, I am a catch.
Ok? Many, many, many men have fallen in love with me.
And not just idiots, and losers, and Karl.
But other men.
Real men.
Men who fight other men and have jobs.
Never, in all my experience, had to put up with crap.
Ok, look, Donna, Donna.
I'm sorry, ok? I, I genuinely forgot that I booked her.
And, you know, I had no way of knowing that she was gonna be so much better looking than you.
Get a cab, now! TANYA: Donna! Oh, God.
Hello.
What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Ask this prick.
How many times do I have to tell you to shut your stupid mouth? He offers to take me for a meal for my birthday in Kensington.
What are you talking about? Best kebabs in London.
Lily Fucking Allen eat here.
Last romantic gesture for you, you evil midget.
TANYA: Just get me a chicken shish.
That's all you're good for.
I'm good for busting your face more ugly than it is.
Give me the money.
-You want chili or not? -Of course I don't! [TANYA SIGHS.]
How's it going with Oleg? Can I be honest with you, Donna? He makes my pussy whole.
He completes me.
Sexually and spiritually.
We're getting engaged.
Donna, I always thought female ejaculation was a myth.
Until last night, I nearly took his eye out.
-We had to go to hospital.
-Great, that it's going so well.
-How are things going with you? -Oh, great.
I've been in there with-- -You been in there with Karl? -Karl's in Italy, Tanya.
-No, he's back.
-What? Yeah, haven't you heard? He's come back.
I bumped in to Tony, said he got back last weekend.
Karl's back? Yeah, I thought you knew.
I thought you'd be celebrating.
Messing with each other's heads.
Whatever it is you two do.
-Donna? -Huh? Yeah, no chili.
I got you a large one, booby-cheeks.
STEPHAN: Donna, I've got us a cab.
Um.
Candice is gonna come back with us.
I mean, she is, she is paid for.
-So.
-Stephan.
You are a selfish, boring, obnoxious, un-funny dog turd of a man.
You smell stale and you have dust where your soul should be.
And for those reasons, Stephan, I am out.
Oh, and by the way.
Um, I'm not an really an escort.
I've been going out with Stephan for nearly two months.
He made me say I was one to fool you all.
And as for me, I pretended to be an escort so I could get in to this swanky club, and be bought expensive drinks all night, free, gratis.
I am no whore.
[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING.]
Karen? [CAR HORN HONKING.]
Fuck.
Sorry about the mess.
But, you know, it's a garage.
And fuck.
It's so good to see you.
How are you? I missed you.
-You look amazing.
Are you ill? -Tsk.
No, you look great.
[PANTS.]
It's so good to-- How did you find me? Billy, we met last night.
Yeah, I remember.
Last night? What's this? Swimming with dolphins tomorrow at 2.
Drive a train at 5.
I couldn't get the skydiving, but I'm working on it.
These are the things you've always wanted to do.
Now be there tomorrow at 2 or I'll fucking kill you before the cancer does.
I keep having to come up with excuses not to have sex.
I'm terrified he's gonna inseminate me.
Last night I pretended to be asleep from 8:00.
I had to pretend to sleep walk to the toilet three times.
Maybe I can just tell him I'm allergic to men's semen.
Louise, you don't need to stay with a man that you don't love just because he saved your life.
It's not like he bought you a car or something.
This is terrible.
We're turning into you and Karl.
Me and Karl? What are you talking about? Louise, me and Karl were meant for each other.
We're star crossed lovers.
He went to Italy to get away from you.
Yeah, and now he's back.
-Why do you think he's back? -I don't know.
Well, I tell you what.
It's not because I'm allergic to men's semen.
I can't believe you're going to see him.
What about Stephan? All this thing with Stephan, Louise, my behavior these few months, the drinking, all those men.
When I saw that lesbian for two weeks.
The early bird Spanish course.
It's all because my soulmate was gone.
I'm a lot deeper than I thought.
Does this make my nipples stick out enough? Donna, hey! How are you? I'm great! I'm great.
Yeah, yeah, I'm great.
I am absolutely great.
How are you? Are you great? Look at you, you big fat eye-tie! Not fat though.
Excuse me, thank you.
I'm good, yeah.
Jesus.
Donna.
It's fantastic to see you.
Is it? It's fantastic to see you, too.
Italy and everything, you fuck.
Look at your tan.
-I haven't got a tan, have I? -Yeah, yeah, a little.
A little bit bronzed, around the back of the neck, and the triangles.
Well, you look, um, fantastic.
-Well, come in, come in.
-Good.
Is your mum's not in? Oh, no, don't worry.
The coast is clear.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
So what's gone on here? What's the news? God, what hasn't gone on here? Everything.
Oh, Karen and I have moved into a new flat.
So that's, um.
And things have really moved on with me as well.
Well, I've done things like, um.
Oh, we got those new hand dryers in the toilets at work.
Dyson, AirBlade, that was-- They were-- That was-- How about you? How was Italy for flip's sake? Oh, alright.
Alright? Just alright? Well, no, it was great.
Just harder than I thought.
You know, starting again.
You miss things.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Hasn't been the same without you around here.
Ha, ha.
There's been more kebabs to go around for a start.
[SIGHS.]
Look, Karl, I just wanted to say something.
I know we can't just pick up where we left off.
[DOOR OPENS.]
There she is! -Ciao! -Ciao? Donna, this is Sabina.
My girlfriend.
-Well, fianc.
-Fi.
Yeah, that's why I've come back.
We're getting married! Ha, ha, congratulations! That is brilliant! Oh, that is, that is brilliant.
Congratulations, you cunts.
You lucky cunts.
I was just saying to Louise, I bet he's back, marrying some Italian piece.
Pleased to meet you.
I'm, I'm, I'm Donna.
Oh, Donna.
[SPEAKS ITALIAN.]
Karl telled me so much about you.
I really pleased to see you.
Yeah, and I'm really pleased to see you here.
-She have such a kind face.
-Well.
Donna, so nice to meet you.
I think we be friends, si? Yeah, I see.
LOUISE: What's she like? She said, "ciao.
" I mean, how pretentious is that! Donna, that's how Italians say "hello".
Is it? What a pretentious nation.
I tell you what.
There's something going on.
I don't trust her.
She's friendly.
Well, why are you arranging a night out with them? Because we're all gonna be friends.
We're all gonna be great friends.
We're gonna go clubbing.
We're all gonna hang out.
You, me, Karl.
What's her name? Thingy Head.
Bring Greg.
We're all gonna be great mates.
I'm simply gonna go back to Plan Stephan.
-Stephan? But-- -Stephan is brilliant, Louise.
And I'm gonna marry him.
He may be a twat but I love him.
Or I might do one day.
Let me tell you something.
Life is there for the taking.
I'm gonna grab it by the throat, and pummel it, and throttle it, stick it in the boot of my car and stab it repeatedly over and over again until it says sorry.
[DONNA SIGHS.]
Oh, it's a toy.
Try and make sure you hold the fin at the base because that's where it's strongest.
And if you do feel him dipping under at any point and you're not comfortable, simply let go.
Just try and relax.
Uh, because they're used to this.
So relax and let them do all the [BILLY GRUNTING.]
work.
One minute.
Billy? -Are you off your tits? -No.
I just did some mushrooms.
What? You can't swim with dolphins on mushrooms! Ha, ha, dolphins on mushrooms! This is fulfilling your dreams? Idiot.
No, Karen, don't go.
I just want it to be like it was.
Just one day.
You and me.
Alcohol and narcotics.
The old team.
One last time.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
-What is it, Greg? GREG: Can I come in? I'm on the toilet.
It's lonely out here.
[SIGHS.]
[DOG SHRIEKS THEN BARKS.]
Meet Khao Jii.
It's Laotian for "Love".
[DOG WHIMPERS.]
Oh, Greg.
And don't you worry.
We're not gonna get run over.
Oh, Louise, look at his little eyes.
He loves you, look.
He loves you so much.
He'd die without you.
[KAREN SLURRING.]
So, basically, I know.
I know, what it looks like.
I know.
I know.
But.
I can assure you that we have the capacity.
And the got what it takes to do this.
Unfortunately, the medication we're on is quite strong.
But my colleague is a doctor, and he will write a note that say it's ok for me and him to jump out of plane.
All is important is to see that fellow's dream come true.
Please? Please help me make that happen.
Karn.
Do you wanna eat these or put them up our bums? [DISCO MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO.]
I mean, no-one has ever really said no to me before.
It was, just, wow.
It was like being struck by lightning.
I think, Donna, I'm falling in-- What do you think they're talking about? Food? Football? The Sopranos? What? Oh, that's a language joke.
It can only be a language joke.
She's said "cheeps" instead of "chips" or something.
STEPHAN: She seems like a lovely person.
You only think that because you don't understand what she's saying.
If you took 40 percent of what I said away from me, I would sounds great as well.
Any couple can get on well if they can't communicate.
Guess who turned up? Guess who turned up, Stephan? That Sabina is such a good dancer.
What are you talking about? Anyone can dance.
I can dance.
Dancing is not clever.
Look at her, like, a monkey.
Are you jealous of Sabina, Donna? [DONNA CHUCKLES.]
What? Oh, my, God.
Now I have heard it all.
Are you insane? Are you mental? Jealous? Of Sabina? Of that Sabina? Why be jealous of someone who's feeding off an carcass, chicken or something, that I threw in the bin, when I've got steak at home.
Am I to assume I'm the steak? Shut up, Stephan.
Why are you sitting so close? What's the matter with you? I feel you're breathing my air.
Just move over there.
Sit there.
No, there, there.
Stephan-- God, I fucking love and fancy you.
Oh, hi, Karl.
These are from Sabina.
[GREG & LOUISE CHEERING.]
You look great, Sabina.
I love the jeans and T-shirt.
Very chic.
Oh, thank you.
Is because Donna, she say this.
So kind.
It's funny because in Italy we dress up for night out.
But Donna, she telled me no.
Um, so, Sabina, I was just ruminating to myself about the language barrier and what have you.
How you and Karl commune, extrapolate ideas, and so on and such forth? Scusi, heh.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN.]
[BOTH SPEAKING IN ITALIAN.]
What the fuck are you doing? I just picked up a few phrases.
You know what it's like.
We're crap at other languages.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I can speak French.
Because I just wanted a useful language.
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH.]
Oui.
[BABBLES.]
[CONTINUES BABBLING.]
I sorry, Donna.
My French is a little rusty.
What did you say? Down in one! Everyone! [KAREN SNORING.]
[DONNA SNORTS.]
[KAREN BELCHING.]
[HUSKY VOICE.]
I need liquid.
Do you want some water? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Don't take the fucking piss.
Oh, what a waste.
-Is he ok there? -What, him? Yeah, he's fine.
He's sleeping on udon noodles.
Karen, can I tell you something? Last night I saw Sabina with another man.
And I mean with, Karen.
With.
I don't wanna jump to conclusions or put her down.
But she's a cheating slag, Karen! What's the matter with you? Leave her alone, Christ's sake.
Let them be happy.
What about what I saw? Who was she with? I don't know.
A friend, an acquaintance.
Ask Karl if you're so concerned.
Or talk to her, see what she's got to say.
Whatever you do, talk to someone because you're doing everyone's head in.
Just take a long good look at yourself, Donna.
You're a mess.
Nana? -Where are we going? -It's a surprise.
Surprises have to be surprising.
That's the surprise.
Yeah, look, Greg, I've been thinking.
Yeah, me, too.
About how lucky I am.
And what we went through, in the mud, those moments, well, they were just moments, and this is our life.
And there are some things we really need to face.
Balloon! Greg, are you ok? You're shouting balloon at me.
Balloon, Louise.
Balloon! So pleased to get you call, Donna.
So nice you ask me for coffee.
Sorry, is there something wrong? Well, I hope not.
Uh, Sabina, I've known Karl for a long time.
We have a bond.
And I don't want you to think that I'm gonna use my influence with Karl against you.
That's not what this is about.
But I'm gonna need some answers.
I don't understand.
Sabina, last night I saw you with another man.
Don't try and deny it, Sabina.
I saw it.
By the toilets.
You gave him your phone number, you kissed him with your lips.
[SABINA LAUGHING.]
I sorry, Donna.
I no laugh at you.
Ha, ha.
Donna, me and Karl, we have [MUMBLES IN ITALIAN.]
open relationship.
What? Uh, we have open relationship.
You say thing way? We see other peoples.
With Karl? You.
You see other peoples with Karl? Si.
You don't do this? What? No! Hang on, open-- Do you even-- Do you know what that means? Si, we fuck with other people.
So you with other men, and then he does his, on top of the.
He wouldn't watch porn with me.
Donna, I wanna ask you something now.
Do you want to fuck Karl? No! Jesus, what? No.
Because sometimes I think you jealous.
That you still want to be with Karl.
Ha, ha.
No.
What are you talking about? Because I am with Karl now.
You understand? He was your boyfriend.
And now he's my boyfriend.
Not yours.
-Yeah, I know.
-Good, good.
Because I don't want to, mm, make Karl cut you out of his life and for your friendship to be dead, ok? Because I will if I have to.
Oh, and me and Karl have open relationship.
But it's not open to you.
You cannot fuck my boyfriend.
Never.
Never, ever.
Is clear, si? Si.
Louise? Look, Greg, I know this probably isn't the best place.
But I really have to.
Oh, shit! Being in this balloon reminds me how my heart soars every day when I see you.
-And I just know -Oh, Christ! Oh, Christ-y God.
that there is no other person on this planet I want to be with.
France! Greg, you can see France! No, I don't want to interrupt.
But you're missing! You can see.
Oh, fuck! You are my heart, my soul and my life.
Louise, will you marry me? No.
-Will you marry me? -No.
-I I don't -I can't Greg.
Sorry.
I don't like you.
Sorry, that sounds bad.
I mean, I don't love you.
I'm really, really sorry.
I did like you, but now I don't.
So how could I marry you? It's not you, Greg.
It's your voice and the things that come out of your mouth.
Oh, shit! This isn't how I planned this.
And I'm sure this isn't how you planned this.
I don't love you, Greg.
I'm sorry.
I don't want to be with you.
Oh.
Oh, right.
Um.
Right.
Uh.
Greg? What? Oh, uh, yeah.
Hang on.
Greg! [THUD.]
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
I can't fucking stand this shit! [KAREN'S FOOTSTEPS PACING.]
God.
I mean, what a thing to happen.
A young life just snuffed out.
Well, not snuffed, dropped.
A young life just dropped out of a balloon, like that.
Makes you think, doesn't it? Let's see what the doctor say.
There's still a chance.
Look, Stephan.
I've been thinking.
Life is short.
It's easy to see now that things aren't gonna get better for me.
And I've thought about you and the kind of person you are.
And the good thing about you is, well, you're a man.
And I think what I'm trying to say is, yes, let's legitimize this partnership, with the appropriate paperwork.
Are you proposing? Outside intensive care? Yes, I am.
Let's get fucking married.
[DONNA SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
-Oh, well.
-Ha, ha.
What? Nothing.
He's in a coma.
They don't think he'll wake up.
Have they tried-- Oh, no, they probably have.
Listen, can I get you a coffee or something? -Can I have a tea, please? -Sure.
And how about you, Mrs.
Willoughby-Clark? Fuck off, Stephan.
[SIREN BLARING.]
Karen, are you all right? You don't know him that well.
It's not him, twat! It's you! I keep seeing you in there, Billy.
With tubes and wires and things, dying.
Me? Oh, right.
Yeah.
[SOBS.]
I can't bear it.
Well what if I was to tell you that it's cleared up? [SNIFFS.]
Your cancer's cleared up? Yeah.
Yeah, the doctors-- Well, not the doctors, but you know? I don't have anymore.
-No cancer.
-Your cancer's gone? Gone.
Isn't that great? Right.
Look, I'm gonna honest with you.
I did have cancer, but not really cancer.
It was more of a mole.
You know when you get a, uh-- It's benign.
Don't worry.
You know, when you get a mole-- When did you find out it wasn't cancer? About two or three years ago.
You said you wanted to be with me.
I didn't even remember saying anything to you.
I thought I can say no, I'm fine and watch you walk away forever.
Or I can say something that would make you wanna stay.
Are you angry? He's just lying there.
I mean, he's not moving, Donna.
He's not moving, not talking, not twitching or scratching.
He's not even thinking.
This is a terrible thing, but you must not beat yourself.
I sort of like it.
I mean, it's so calm in here.
The Greg I fell in love with.
Is that wrong? Yes! It is! It's very wrong! -I'm not leaving him, Donna.
-What are you talking about? I owe it to him.
And, ok, it's not ideal.
Let's give it a chance, I say.
-Louise.
-You've got to understand.
Like when we were in the mud, but the other way round.
I can repay the favor.
Keep his head above the water, wipe the spittle off his chops.
Louise, I think this is shock.
You need to just go home.
Take some time.
No, I'm not going anywhere.
I'm staying with my man.
The man.
The man in a fucking coma! No-one's perfect, Donna.
[KAREN GRUNTING.]
We off then? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, hi, Donna.
-How was the hospital? -Oh, you know, tough.
But, um, he doesn't seem to be suffering.
And if he is, he's keeping it quiet.
Look, Karl, all of this has just really made me think, about you and me, and the way I've been behaving.
And I just want to say.
Look, I just want to say that I am really happy that you and Sabina are together.
You know, she obviously makes you really, really happy.
And that's good.
Oh, right.
Um, cheers, Donna.
I mean, it took a bit of getting used to.
Seeing you with someone else.
You know, there are still feelings.
Well, of course.
I mean, me, too.
You know, uh, I don't know.
I don't know, Donna.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if you and me.
Yeah, great, brilliant.
Uh, can't listen to that.
Um, blah, blah, blah.
I, right, that's sorted.
So I'll be off.
Oh, look, um.
Can you tell Sabina sorry, you know, if I over-reacted.
She told me about the whole open relationship thing.
You know, I've thought about it, yeah, whatever makes you happy.
Go for it.
You pair of dirty birds.
What? No, um, good luck is what I'm saying.
But fuck it, yeah? Shag around, do it.
Keep the spice there with, um, double dip.
If you, um.
Why not? Be safe though.
Donna, what are you talking about? I saw Sabina with that bloke, the other night in the club.
She explained the whole thing.
You and her, and fucking other peoples, and having an open relationship.
We don't have an open relationship.
You saw Sabina with another man? [WHISPERS.]
No.
She's fucking other peoples? [NORMAL VOICE.]
No.
Why? I never said-- -Who said that? -Well, who did you see her with? -I didn't see her with.
-Donna! Ok, look, another tack.
Can you not tell I said anything because I don't want her to-- Karl? MARTIN: You left the door open.
-Jesus Christ! Martin? What are you doing here? Have you learnt your lesson yet? Yes, Martin, I have learned my lesson.
That if you are gonna shag a pie-eating mummy's boy, get one who knows the difference between a sneeze and an orgasm.
That's right, Martin.
I was sneezing.
Right, come on.
Let's go.
You're not staying here, Karen.
This is destroying you.
-Get your stuff.
-Don't make me hurt you, Martin.
Fatty mince? Yeah.
Diet drinks? A Pepperami? What is all this saying? Think! You are a mess without me, Karen.
This is not what you want.
I know that, you know that.
Women don't want this.
All this.
Look, let's stop the pretence and go home.
I love you.
I do.
[PANTS.]
[GROANS.]
[PANTS.]
Look at what you made me do, hmm? I didn't want to do that.
You made me do that.
You made that happen.
You stupid fucking bitch-- [GRUNTS.]
[GROANS THEN PANTS.]
Yeah, I just, I just hit him.
I grabbed the nearest thing and I just hit.
You know, I just hit him with-- With this pan, pie pan.
Yeah, you mean a pie dish.
No such thing as a pie pan.
Pan, dish, kettle, cauldron.
I fucking hit him with it.
-Where is he now? -I tied him to a chair.
[STUTTERS.]
I didn't know what else to do.
He started waking up and I just panicked.
I just-- I put him in your room.
What? My room? What's wrong with your room? No, no, you did the right thing.
he's a psycho.
I'm scared.
I'm really fucking scared.
It's ok.
Everything is ok.
-We're not letting him hurt you.
-Louise is right.
Everything's gonna be fine.
We're gonna look after you.
-Right, I'm call the police.
-Don't call the police.
I'm worried because of what I did.
Don't be silly, Karen.
You had to do that.
Karen, that was self defense.
Yeah, but the other thing.
So? You tied him up.
They're gonna understand that.
He's a nutter.
Yeah, but the other things.
What other things? [HEAVY BREATHING.]
LOUISE: He looks angry.
He's fucking furious, Louise.
I've superglued his socks to his feet.
[CONTINUOUS HEAVY BREATHING.]
Have you been pelting him with tomatoes? I ran out of eggs.
Oh, God.
What are we gonna do? Let's talk in the other room.
He's got tampons in his ears.
He can't hear a fucking thing.
DONNA: This is crazy! I mean, look at the rug! We'll never get our deposit.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Ok.
Ok, I'm gonna see who it is.
Keep an eye on him.
Keep an eye on her.
Happy now? The wedding is off.
That's the second wedding you've ruined for me.
How many more weddings are you gonna ruin for me? Stop ruining my weddings! Did you make a pact with the devil to dedicate your life to fucking mine? Every time you hurt me, do you grow a little stronger? Is it one of those things? Please, please, just tell me.
How many honeymoons I'm gonna have to go on my own before you're happy? Karl, do you think you could give us a hand with something? [INDISTINCT CHATTERING.]
So what do we do? You're a man, this is your area.
-Rough and tumble.
-Rough and tumble? He's had mini baby bells stuck up his ass! I got a bit carried away.
So he hit you then? Jesus, though, this is a bit, well, you know.
If you don't have suggestions what are you doing here? What am I.
? You asked me in, Donna.
I was quite happy out there having my life ruined! I mean, he's lucky.
He's just been tortured.
I wish someone would tie me and wax my bollocks.
It'd be like a holiday compared to the mental torture.
Look, it is not my fault your girlfriend is a.
-What? -A person who is a loony slag.
Yeah, I've never had one before, have I, Donna? -God, what made you so cynical? -You! Can't we pretend it's an accident? What about a sex game that went wrong? He was actually there, Louise.
I think he might remember.
-We could dump him in the woods.
-What? Kill him? No! If we take him far enough, then maybe he'll go away.
Yeah, into a gingerbread cottage? Is killing him an option? Louise, we're not killing him! Jesus! No, we're gonna talk to him.
We're gonna reason with him.
We're gonna go up there, take the tampons out of his mouth and ears, and we're reason with him like sensible adults.
Say, sorry, please don't kill us or get the police to arrest us.
And we're gonna hope that he's calmed down a bit.
And if that doesn't work, we dump him in the woods.
-What is he bites us? -He's not gonna bite us, is he? [INDISTINCT CHATTERING.]
Who's gonna do it? Alright, I'll, um.
He's angry, isn't he? [GROANING.]
Oh, my God! Look, please.
Please don't let her hurt me.
Oh, God.
I beg you, I swear.
I'll be good.
Please, don't let kill me.
Oh, God! I think I've messed myself.
Ah! Well, that's the baby bells dislodged at least.
[MARTIN CRYING.]
You've got a bit of um.
-What? -Tomato, minced meat.
Thanks for coming here, Karl.
I couldn't face the pub.
And they do a really good Yogurtlu here.
Basically just a chicken shish with sort of yoghurt-y kind of-- I really didn't know that you didn't know about Sabina.
I would never have said that if I did.
I'd have just posted an anonymous note.
So what now? You gonna marry Stephan? No, no.
No, he's got money.
But at the end of the day, he makes my skin crawl and I don't think that works in a marriage.
Not these days.
What about you and me? Suddenly we're both single.
Yeah, I've been thinking about that.
Look, Karl, we have to decide what we're going to do, ok? We can't keep on like this.
It's not working, is it? You and me don't work together in any way.
Wanting to be with someone isn't enough.
You should go back to Italy, and I should stay here.
Never contact each other ever again in our lives.
What do you think? I think.
It's a good idea.
Ok.
But on the other hand, I have a wedding gown spare.
Thanks to you.
It would be a shame to waste it.
What do you think? You both made the declaration prescribed by law, and made a pledge to each other for the future.
It gives me pleasure to pronounce you man and wife together.
What? -So this is it.
-Yeah.
Something we should say? I don't know.
Um, I don't think so.
Yeah, good, good.
Um, well you better go.
You'll miss your flight.
Yeah.
So this is it.
It is.
It's, uh, it's it.
-Have a good trip.
-I will.
And, uh, yeah, that's it really.
-What? -Nothing.
-Oh, I thought you were gonna -What? [INTERCOM TONE.]
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY THROUGH INTERCOM.]
I think they're boarding your flight.
Yeah, I think they are.
If you don't go now, you'll miss it.
Yeah, I will.