Raising Hope s02e07 Episode Script

Oh! 11-3 us.
That's not fair.
Our team's like It is fair because this is Sabrina's first time playing.
Sorry, did we forget to explain to Sabrina the complicated rules of living-room-balloon-ball? You hit the balloon over the couch.
Okay, we all up to speed now? Rotate.
(phone ringing) Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, didn't know if I'd catch you on a Saturday.
- Hi, Dad.
- Is he there? You promised to yell for me when he picked up.
I did yell, but you didn't hear me because you refuse to wear the hearing aid.
Makes me look old.
You know what makes you look old? - Saying "What?" - What? Wear the aid or get off the phone, Christine.
Anyway, Burt, your brother Bruce can't have us for Thanksgiving this year.
He'll be on an Alaskan cruise.
Did you tell him about Alaska? - Yes.
- What? What can I do for you guys? The long and short of it is this, Burtie, since Bruce will be gone, we thought we'd spend the holiday at your place.
Obviously it won't be as fancy as Bruce's, but it'll be more like the original Thanksgiving no heat, and I'm sure some of the food will be donated.
I'm kidding, son.
But look, it's been way too many years since we saw you.
What do you say? My parents want to come here for Thanksgiving! And they'll see that I haven't done anything with my life in the last five years! - Burt, are you there? - I'll bet he didn't pay his phone bill.
Burt, you're just torturing yourself.
We're not that close with these people.
They always judge you.
Just tell them we made other plans.
See you at Thanksgiving.
Can't wait.
Love you.
(screams) I was thinking what you said, but then these other words came out.
Oh, stupid brain.
Here we go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Four days.
Four days to make this place presentable.
We got to work like the boss is watching.
Oh, and Jimmy, you got to get rid of that baby for the holiday.
What? She won't re.
It's not Christmas.
Having a baby out of wedlock was one of the biggest things they judged me for.
I don't want them judging me again for letting you repeat the cycle.
It's like a self-refilling prophecy.
Thank you.
So ditch the kid.
In fact, you can go with her.
'Cause you remind them of my mistake.
Now I got to go evict the porch squirrels.
So I take it Burt's relationship with his parents is kind of estranged? Oh, no, it's completely strange.
Two malaprops in a row.
God, I love this family.
Yeah, they are malaprops, but they're also his parents.
And they really do a number on him.
It's because he knows that they've always thought he was a screw-up.
Here you go, Brucie, a dollar for every "A.
" Keep getting grades like that, I'm going to have to get a second job.
Hey, I got two "A's" on my report card.
You know what else has two "A's"? "Jackass.
" (laughing) We don't mean to laugh, but your brother's very clever.
"Jackass" does have two "A's" in it.
In the spellin- there's two "A's" in the Go play with your trucks.
I just got into business school.
- Way to go, Bruce.
- I knew it.
I got Virginia pregnant.
I knew it.
Get that thing off my counter.
There's pee on it.
Yeah, business is going great.
Turns out it was a good thing I had a kid early, 'cause now I have an assistant on the job.
How is Jimmy? Great.
Busy.
Choosing colleges.
Somebody was supposed to pick me up from the mall! I had to walk three miles in humidity, you worthless sheep! He's going through a little phase.
Jimmy, you remember your grandparents, don't you? Check out my new piercing.
(zipper unzipping) Bruce's son has one with a real diamond.
No matter how hard Dad tries, his parents always think Bruce's poo doesn't stink, and Dad's does.
Which is sort of true, because Bruce eats a very bland diet.
(squirrels chattering) (sighs) Poor baby.
It still kills him that he doesn't have their approval.
Heh (yelling) (screaming) So I know you're bummed about your parents visiting, but I think I got an idea that'll make you feel a lot better.
This is a house I clean Are we going to have unfamiliar bedroom sex? I knew that erotic suggestion box would pay off.
Thank you, Oprah.
That's not it.
Come inside.
Oh, are we going to have unfamiliar kitchen sex? This could be our only chance to have sex on an island.
I noticed this when I was cleaning here earlier today.
They're going on vacation during Thanksgiving.
It's perfect, Burt.
We can tell your parents we've been working real hard, saving up our money.
And we bought this house.
- It's perfect! - I know! You don't have to feel like a loser anymore.
I love you so much.
You know what I want to do right now? Have sex with me on an island? Okay, but let's wipe it down real good first.
People cut raw chicken on these things.
That one.
No, no, no, wait.
He has sad eyes.
Cook that one.
(squawking) Okay, okay, sorry, sorry.
Not you.
I can't do this.
It's best if you don't look in their eyes.
Just say Edgar or Morty.
What's going on? Barney's going to pretend to be my parents' caterer on Thanksgiving to impress my grandparents.
We're going to go with this one.
He's old, and I don't think he'll make it to next Thanksgiving.
Plus, I want him to die with dignity.
And not just end up as turkey burgers on the Fourth of July.
Oh, hey, do you want to hang out for Thanksgiving? - Seriously? - Yeah.
Wyatt's away interviewing at law schools, and my family's taking the jet to Turkey for what they're called "an ironic Thanksgiving.
" So I'm alone, too.
That would be great.
Yeah, pretend to be a little family.
Well, if we're going to pretend, we could go to the fake house with everybody else.
My dad can't have a problem with his parents meeting Hope if she has a mother.
Oh, my God, it'll be like turkey dinner theater.
I just hope I can pull it off.
I'm not so great at lying, and this is really important to my dad.
Okay.
Well, maybe we should practice kissing a couple times so it's not awkward when we do it - in front of your grandparents.
- Okay.
- How was that? - I feel like we looked uncomfortable.
- Let's try again.
- Okay.
(turkey gobbling) He's old, but he's got a lot more fight left in him than I thought.
We're home.
Our house in the middle of our street Our house in the middle of our Our house it has a crowd There's always something happening And it's usually quite loud Our mum she's so house-proud Nothing every slows her down and a mess is not allowed Our house This is your new room, Maw Maw.
In the middle of our street Our house Nice.
In the middle of our (buzzing) In my day, they were shaped more like penises.
(doorbell ringing) They're here.
They're here! - Welcome.
- Wow, wow, what a place.
Burt, I don't believe this.
Aw, crap.
It was Virginia's idea To, um, move into this neighborhood.
Because, uh, they have better schools here.
Grampy and Grandma! Jimmy! No creepy makeup.
Thank God.
JIMMY: Got a surprise for you.
You didn't put another earring in your swizzle stick, did you? No, I've been using my swizzle stick for other things.
SABRINA: Hi.
Surprise.
Uh, this is my wife, - Sabrina.
- Hi.
And this is your great-granddaughter Hope.
Jimmy, I just got to ask in light of your parents' track record, did the marriage cause the baby or did the baby cause the marriage? Ha, ha, that's rich.
Just like me.
Come on, I'll give you the tour.
I never get tired of looking at all my cool stuff.
Venison meatballs? Uh, this is Barnard, our caterer.
He does all our big events Thanksgiving, Christmas, WrestleMania.
Enjoy.
Argh, matey.
She won't take a nap.
I think it's 'cause she's in a strange place.
Her and I are in a strange place emotionally, lately.
Sabrina was just telling me about the day you met.
That was very courageous how you lost a testicle saving her from an armed robber.
Luckily he went after the criminal doing a cartwheel.
Or he'd have taken that bullet right between the eyes.
Um, that's right.
And the truth is, is without the other one there taking up space, the one that is left has just gotten gigantic.
They're like goldfish.
The more space they have, the bigger they get.
I love giant goldfish.
Why don't you take Great-Grandma and show her your fishies.
I want to see your fishies.
Shot me in the testicle?! Really?! I know.
Isn't it hilarious? It was Sabrina's idea.
And by the way, I told her that we potty trained Hope at six months.
So if she starts to stink, whoever's holding her is going to have to apologize for farting.
I just love all this playacting.
I haven't had this much fun since I did improv games at the teen mom center.
They thought it would help us talk our way out of having sex the next time.
(distorted computer voice) "Hey, girl, whatcha doing?" Oh.
"Reading what you just wrote.
" Dummy.
"What are you wearing?" Oh.
"Sweater set, control top pantyhose and, uh, navy slacks.
" "Weird.
You might be more comfortable taking that off.
" Hmm.
"Makes sense to me.
" Boy, this is beautiful, beautiful.
Hey, I hope you don't mind, I raided your humidor.
You've got quite a few illegal Cubans in there.
Oh, yeah? Maybe we should let them out.
Well, I already did.
(nervous chuckle) (laughing) You know, son, I'm really impressed with all of this.
I mean, look at this.
This is Oh, yeah, I've been meaning to get rid of that.
It's probably gone bad by now.
Yeah.
There we go.
To you, son.
To me.
(coughs) Fire in the hole.
(coughing) (grunting) This is great, ain't it? (coughing) "You make me crazy.
"I want to see you right now.
Let's video chat.
" Well, I could do that.
(gasps) So if you like your dinner, I purchased all of the ingredients at Howdy's Market.
In the future, Barnard, we prefer you shop at the high-end market because when you're rich, you don't concern yourself with prices.
Clap, clap.
I, I found my diary! Apparently, me and-and some guy named Brayden are in love and there's nothing anybody can do about it.
(phone rings) Anybody gonna get that? Uh, they'll call back.
Hello, thank you for calling.
You've reached Please leave a message, My country 'tis of thee and I'll get back to you as soon as I possibly can.
Sweet land of liberty Of thee I sing Land where my father died Land of the pilgrims' pride From every fountainside From every mountainside Let threesomes ring.
Let freedom ring.
We do that every day at 7:00.
RALPH: I don't want to talk about it.
CHRISTINE: We have to talk about it.
- I don't want to.
- We have no other option, Ralph.
I can't take it anymore.
We have to tell Burt the truth.
Tell me the truth about what? Is it that I'm adopted? 'Cause every time I change the radio stations in the car and the Mexican music comes on, I just start dancing in my seat.
I can't control it.
- That's not it, Burt.
- Christine? We're completely broke and we're about to lose our house.
What happened, Dad? I had all my retirement money tied up with Bernie Madoff and Borders bookstores, and I lost it all.
That's the real reason we came her They kicked us out of our house.
We're homeless.
But now that I see how well you're doing, what do you think of us living with you until we get back on our feet? We'd be honored.
(hushed): What the hell are you thinking? They can't stay here because we don't live here.
(hushed): I know, I know, but do you have any idea how great that felt? I'm their hero now.
I've waited my whole life for this.
Talking like this hurts my voice.
Burt, the people who own this house are gonna come back.
Not for three days.
Please, Virginia, let me feel like this for three more days, and then I'll tell them the truth, I promise.
It is kind of fun pretending to be other people.
Three more days can't hurt.
Yeah.
So, uh what do you say to some unfamiliar bed sex? All right.
Ooh, I'm gonna go find some earrings.
I want to look like one of those chicks from Real Housewives.
(sighs) Aren't you our maid? Probably not anymore.
You might want to check your kitchen calendar.
You're not supposed to be home for three days.
Someone just had to try the moguls.
But that's not the point.
(girl screams) Oh, yeah, my grandmother's also sleeping in your daughter's room.
BOY: Thank you, God! And apparently my son's fake wife is sleeping in your son's bed.
These are beautiful, by the way.
Boy, you guys sure high-tailed it out of there fast.
I should get those people to come over here and kick you out of this house.
Well, since it doesn't seem to matter anyway I'm not actually Jimmy's wife.
I just thought it would be fun pretending to be somebody that I'm not.
I'm Tiffany Hargrove.
I'm, uh, the artistic director of the Natesville Dinner Theater.
And, well, I gotta run 'cause I'm running a little late for a dress rehearsal for Fiddler on the Roof.
Toodles! So where's your real wife? I'm a single father.
Hope's real mother got electrocuted.
Oh, that's so sad.
Faulty wiring? Yeah, in her head.
Murdered a bunch of folks.
Got the electric chair.
Also, two testicles.
Two.
I can't believe you lied to us about having money.
What about you? You call and say you want to visit at Thanksgiving, but you kinda left out the part about you being homeless.
You're right.
You're right.
I blew it.
The only thing I have left of any value is this antique pocket watch.
And that's only because I just stole it from that house we were just in.
Give me that.
I'll put it back Tuesday.
When Bruce comes back into town, I'll explain everything.
You can go stay with him.
No, you can't do that.
I don't want Bruce to find out.
Please, save me this one bit of dignity until I figure out a way to get back on my feet.
Well, you can stay here in the meantime.
It's not as lavish as the other place, but it's a roof over your head and you're welcome to it for as long as you need.
Oh, goody.
Now I get to split my social security checks seven ways.
I don't know what I'm happier about: that my parents are staying with us or that we finally have an excuse to order the gut-buster pizza.
You're just really enjoying playing the hero, aren't you? Yeah, it's nice.
At first, I was afraid they didn't really want to be here, but I think they're starting to feel a little more comfortable.
Well, they certainly look comfortable.
What the hell is all this? Oh, it's our new bed.
You didn't expect us to sleep on that old couch, did you? That thing had 70 years of farts in it.
What the hell are those sunglasses you're wearing? We got ourselves a new 3-D television.
CHRISTINE: We're watching the History Channel.
It's like the Nazis are marching right in here.
How'd you pay for all this stuff? Turns out there was one credit card company we weren't maxed out on.
Sushi? Mom, Dad, we got to talk.
JIMMY: Dad explained to Grandma and Grandpa that now that they were poor, they needed to start acting like it.
And lucky for them, we were the perfect people to teach them.
First they needed jobs.
And since Grandpa made all his money in real estate, we found him something selling houses.
See ya at 5:00.
Instead of his normal three-piece suit, he wore a chicken suit.
But when you're poor, you can't be too picky.
Meanwhile, Mom taught Grandma how to live within their means.
So you just add a little vinegar and some lemon juice.
(chuckles) Don't bother.
I closed up shop down there a long time ago.
Down there? I was just showing you how to make cheap salad dressing.
What were you talking about? Never mind.
JIMMY: Mom also showed Grandma how to shop using coupons and how to always keep an eye out for damaged goods.
And when there aren't any damaged goods, she showed her how to damage them.
We also showed them you could relax after a hard day's work without going to one of those fancy chairs at the mall that cost a dollar.
And that you don't need a fancy 3-D TV to entertain yourself.
All you need is a couch, a balloon and a stupid game.
Next.
By the end of the week, they totally got the hang of it.
They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
But apparently you can teach a grandpa in a chicken suit to flip a sign.
To the progress of my parents and learning that you don't have to be rich to bepy.
And year-old freezer-burned flank steak is just as good as top sirloin.
Better, you can chew so much longer.
(laughs) Enough.
I can't take this anymore.
- What, Dad? - Hold on.
I've been gnawing on that same bite for 15 minutes.
I'm sorry, I just can't do this anymore.
Oh, thank God.
I can't, either.
My fingers are covered in coupon paper cuts and, well, this salad dressing tastes like douche.
We know you're trying to help us, and we know that you enjoy this life, but it's a God-awful way to live.
I mean, no offense.
You keep a lovely home.
Your brother Bruce gets back from his cruise tomorrow.
And as humiliating as it might be to tell him that we need his help, it's nowhere near as bad as living on a budget.
(whispers): Take me with you.
Bruce isn't coming in.
Cut himself shaving and is afraid if he touches something, he'll catch the flesh-eating bacteria.
Oh, my God, I never thought of that.
Let's go.
Love you, Burt.
You know, son, I always thought of you as a slacker who took the easy way out.
But after living with you for one week, I've realized that you're not a slacker.
I mean, you take care of that old lady and your son and your illegitimate granddaughter by working your butt off for very little money.
That's to be commended.
Thanks, Dad.
I, however, would rather kill myself than live like that.
You're a better man than I.
Well, we've got about five hours till they repossess this TV.
Let's see what a 72-inch 3-D Wheel of Fortune looks like.
(knocking) Is Barbara June here? I just can't get her out of my mind.
Maw Maw, your boyfriend's here!