Ramy (2019) s02e07 Episode Script
Atlantic City
1
[LAUGHS]
[ELECTRONIC RINGING]
You're lucky I still have this on.
What is so pressing?
I-I just wanted to talk
to you about something
that I couldn't really talk
to you about at the center.
Um, look, I really like you,
and I told the sheikh
that I would tell you
some things about me,
uh, before we get to know each other,
and, uh, I-I think you
need to know that
I have had sex,
and I have watched a lot of porn,
and and I've had sex with people
that I shouldn't have had it with.
Um
Yeah, I don't need to know the details.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
Uh, okay, but yeah,
but the sheikh told me
that that I should,
you know, tell you about
No, I-I know who you are.
I-I get the vibe.
Like, what vibe?
Like like a like a porn vibe?
Like, you feel, like,
a porn vibe off me?
No, I no. I know you've
you've had a past,
and I don't need the details.
Really?
Yeah.
I'm just interested in
who you are becoming,
who you want to be.
That's it.
♪
Okay.
So this is my room,
and that is all you will
ever see, ever, in person.
This is the rest of the house.
Great lighting. And
this is my mom's piano.
[HALTINGLY PLAYING PIANO]
♪
- Blah, blah, blah.
- [LAUGHS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
You're popular. You're trying
to tell me you're not popular.
You're like a popular person.
- You're defin
- No!
You're definitely a popular person.
Yeah, I feel like people
are trying to talk to you
and, you know, are
you know, they're they're
wanna know what you think.
♪
I mean, not really.
This is the piece everyone's
been talking about.
[LAUGHS]
- Wow, that was
- [IMITATES PULSING SOUND]
Wow, that's yeah. That. [LAUGHS]
♪
I just I feel so much closer
to God when I'm with you.
ZAINAB: I feel the same way, too,
'cause I have to teach you so much.
♪
[CELL PHONE BUZZES]
Hey, what's up?
STEVE: Pack your bag.
Come outside, bitch.
MO: There he is! Let's go, baby!
STEVE: Get your shit.
We're going to Atlantic City.
What?
Your bachelor party. Let's go.
- Yeah, I'm I'm not getting married.
- MO: Come on, man.
We know how seriously you've
been taking Zainab, bro.
You've been talking to
her for a month nonstop.
You've been leading prayers.
You've got prayer beads
around your neck.
Your posture's better.
MO: It's only a matter of time, bro.
You're on a Muslim schedule.
You're gonna be married within a month.
Yasmina and I did our katb kitab
17 days after our parents met.
The reason I know the days is,
we were gonna wait ten days,
but then she got her menstrual cycle,
so we pushed a week. 17 days.
Yeah, dude, our parents
haven't even met yet.
MO: That's why it's the right time!
I don't like how white people
do their bachelor parties.
It's really weird, man.
They do them right before the wedding.
[LAUGHS] They're already committed.
That's disgusting.
Who who came up with this?
- Steve.
- Steve did.
Look, man.
It's a really good night for me to sin.
I've got my virtual umrah
scheduled for later tonight.
RAMY: Virtual umrah?
Oh, my God. Shut up!
MO: Yeah, man. I've got a guy
in Mecca doing umrah for me.
It's a new startup.
The patent is pending.
Fatwa's pending too.
I got the VR working.
I got the guy heading
to umrah right now.
All right? He's gonna be in Mecca.
He's all my sins are gonna be
wiped clean within six hours,
so I gotta get in some shit right now.
I'm just going to make sure
none of you guys do anything
you're gonna regret.
MO: He wants to go.
This guy's a gambling addict.
I will not touch the slots.
I'm not gonna gamble. I'm just driving.
Yeah, look, I don't want to
go to Atlantic City, all right?
It's disgusting.
It's a bunch of haram shit
that I'm I'm not doing anymore.
STEVE: Hey, man, ever since
you've been so religious,
I've barely seen you,
and once you get married,
I'm never gonna see you.
So let's just try to have some fun
one [PAINED] last time.
What's going on? Are you okay?
- Just get in the fucking van.
- MO: Get in the fucking car.
My guy is waiting for his
flight to Mecca, okay?
He already has the the haram on.
Let me let me just
let me sleep on it.
Maybe we'll go tomorrow. I
AHMED: No, Ramy. We gotta go
before the snowstorm hits
or you're gonna be snowed
in with your family
and the next thing you know, you're
gonna be married before it melts.
You wanna go that bad?
No, I'm only going 'cause you're going.
It's haram. I understand it's haram.
But it's gonna snow.
I don't do well with snow.
Look, one one night, okay?
One night, and we're not gonna
do anything crazy. Yeah?
Keep it halal 100%.
AHMED: Bring some sheets, though.
Some of these hotels have bad sheets.
- Extra ones, just in case.
- Shut up.
Just get your shit. Hurry up.
- Shut the fuck up, Ahmed.
- MO: Dude, what the fuck
- are you bringing up sheets?
- AHMED: I saw blood on a sheet.
AHMED: Ugh. Smells like old carpet.
[SMOOTH MUSIC PLAYING]
What the fuck is this hotel, Steve?
It was the only hotel left.
There's a big fight this weekend.
Bro, it's like, 45 minutes
away from the main strip.
Hey, man, this is one of the only spots
not hit by Hurricane Sandy.
It's resilient.
I think it's kind of
nice that we're far away
from all the distractions. It's good.
Oh, shit, bro. It's like
strip club is like six blocks away.
Yeah, I know. They don't have a ramp,
so I brought my manual wheelchair.
Yeah, why don't we do something
a little bit more low-key?
Yeah? Like maybe go to a
magic show or something?
Magic? That shit's demonic.
Astaghfirullah, definitely evil.
You're saying strippers are
more halal than magicians?
100%.
Magicians speak to jinn.
Strippers express themselves.
Eh, Ahmed, come on, man.
You don't want to go to a strip club.
No, I don't want to go,
but if I do go, I won't look at them.
Maybe I can give some of
the employees some money
- to put towards their studies, inshallah.
- Shut the fuck up.
What are you, Drake?
You're gonna put these
strippers through college?
Yes. This is actually sadaqah.
Dude, this isn't what we agreed on.
STEVE: Ramy,
you've been haram your entire life.
I know how you are with women,
so let's not pretend
that you can't do this
for one more night.
MO: Come on, man, let's go.
[SPEAKING ARABIC]
Let's get out of here.
I'm running out of time.
Let's get some titties in Steve's face.
- [SPEAKING ARABIC]
- STEVE: Yes, we should.
Yeah, you guys check in.
I'll meet you upstairs.
I gotta call Yasmina.
MO: Yeah. Here,
I'll take the fucking bag.
- AHMED: Thank you.
- MO: All right, no problem.
[MACHINE SOUNDS]
Ex excuse me, sir,
in the blue hoodie.
Yeah, what?
I need you to push this button for me.
Why can't you fucking do it?
I'm Muslim. I can't, man.
I just need you to push
this button for me.
♪
You hit the jackpot,
you can keep all the winnings.
I can't take the money.
It's haram. It's the devil's work.
Yeah, whatever, man.
All I gotta do is hit this button?
AHMED: Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Use your right hand.
Always lead with your right.
♪
GAMBLER: Holy shit.
[LAUGHS] $1,400!
How the fuck did you know, man?
I just do. I always do.
GAMBLER: [LAUGHS]
I gotta go. I gotta go pray
before I go to the strip
club with my friends.
Yeah, I'm gonna do some
fucking praying of my own.
[ARAB RAP MUSIC]
♪
[RAPPING IN ARABIC CONTINUES]
♪
- Get down.
- Get down here. Get down here
and give my man a lap dance.
My man's almost about to get married.
Uh, no, I'm I'm okay. Thank you.
- I got you, bro.
- Uh, I'm okay. Thank you,
- thank you so much.
- STRIPPER: So you're Ramy?
Gonna get married?
Um, w-well, our, uh our
parents are about to meet,
and we're Muslim, so
STRIPPER: Hmm Muslim.
Yeah, yeah, and um
you know, in our
in our culture, when the parents meet,
uh, usually, we try to
get married quickly
so that we we don't
have sex before marriage.
- Oh, yeah?
- RAMY: Uh
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
Um, so so yeah, that's, uh
That's that's what's
happening right now.
So so this is all a little
little premature, uh
♪
So, uh [CHUCKLES]
Sorry, c-can you, uh
c-could you take those off?
These?
Yeah. Uh, c-can you
can you take them off?
Like, no, take them off, seriously.
Those are my prayer beads.
My my sheikh please, I need those.
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
Yeah. Dude.
♪
MO: Whoa. What happened to Ramy?
Who cares?
[MUFFLED RAP MUSIC IN BACKGROUND]
♪
Ramy, you okay?
Dude, it's fucking disgusting in there.
I know. I agree.
RAMY: Then why are you here, man?
I thought you knew better than this.
I just expected more from you.
Me? You expected more from me?
- Yeah.
- AHMED: Do you know how many times
I've watched you do crazy things,
slowly waiting, praying
that you do the right thing?
- I-I know.
- I never judged you!
I just prayed for you.
Do you know how many
times I've prayed for you?
I've prayed for you more times
than I prayed for the refugees.
Then I feel guilty about that
because I say to myself, "Ahmed,
"why are you praying for Ramy?
"You could pray for the refugees.
Why? You don't know
who to decide to "
Then I get a panic attack,
and I feel bad about myself
because I can send that
energy to those kids, but no,
I gotta send them to you
when I know you ain't worth shit.
Okay, look, man, I'm
I'm sorry. I'm I'm just
You don't think I know this
strip joint is disgusting?
But I got other demons
to deal with myself.
I could be a world poker champion!
I'm just trying to do
the right thing, okay?
You're not doing the right thing.
You're using the urinal. It's haram.
All that splash-back's
getting on your clothes.
You're covered in piss.
Your prayers won't count.
[RAP CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND]
♪
["THROW SOME MORE" PLAYING]
♪
SINGER: Goody so good,
it made my seats wet ♪
- RAMY: Dude, we we
- No, no.
Excuse me. Sorry. I, uh
- STEVE: Ramy, get out.
- Here, thank you for your work,
but I we gotta go. We gotta go.
Here, it's here.
For you. Yep, we're getting out of here.
Ramy, don't do this.
Ramy, I swear to God, no.
No!
Ramy. Fuck.
RAMY: Come on, guys. Let's go.
We're getting out of here.
Dude, what are you talking about, man?
Hold on a second.
I got I got another 30 minutes.
My guy's about to check in
to the Mecca Hilton Towers.
I don't want to be here anymore.
You interrupted a lap dance.
You don't do that.
This place isn't good for us.
It's it's not good for
the people who work here.
Half this place is like an office.
There's there's a guy, like,
printing something back there.
Like, spiritually, this this sucks.
STEVE: Stop with the religious shit.
RAMY: Steve, I'm telling you, man,
if you just believed in something,
it would change everything for you.
Just trust me.
It is always the same
with the religious people.
Muslims, Christians
all you do is tell people
how to live their lives.
Dude, I'm trying to help you.
- That's what I'm trying to do.
- Yo, yo, yo, yo.
You guys can't be arguing
about God and shit in here.
No religion. I mean, it's a titty joint.
What's the matter with you?
I got a certain ambience
to uphold around here,
and you fucking guys are making
everything uncomfortable.
You know what? I want you and your
whole fucking crew out of here.
- What?
- RAMY: Yeah, sure.
- No problem. Yes!
- OWNER: Take 'em out.
OWNER: Claudio, get these
fucking guys out of here.
RAMY: Yeah, we're trying to leave.
That's what we're doing.
Good. Take the furry-neck motherfucker
and the turtleneck motherfucker.
- Take them both out and go!
- Come on!
- Yes, sir. Let's go. Come on, let's go.
- MO: Come on, Ramy.
- Come on!
- Ah, jeez!
The fuck out of here.
MO: Fucking last time
I see you this year.
You gotta change the tubes
in your soda machines.
Take a walk take a walk!
Claudio, get this guy and
take his fucking crew out,
all of them!
DJ: All right, folks, it's
snowing hard out there,
so let's stay warm with
some half-off dances!
Why, uh why are
we in this room again?
It's the only one with a roll-in shower.
Roll-in shower?
Okay, are we showering you this weekend?
- Is that
- [GROANS]
Dude, what what's wrong, man?
- What's happening?
- I have to come.
I know you wanted to stay
at the strip club, dude,
but I'm telling you,
it's not good for you
- to be there.
- No,
you don't fucking get it.
I gotta come, and I need help.
Agh!
In case you haven't noticed,
my hands don't work,
and because of my condition,
if I don't come, it builds up,
and it really fucking hurts!
Usually, my nurse will help me,
but she's been on maternity leave
for the past month.
She she usually, like
Yes.
- RAMY: Okay.
- But now,
they assigned me this
50-year-old bald guy.
No way I'm asking him.
W-what if, uh what if we
just put you in the bed and
and you just sleep, and then maybe
you'll get a wet dream, right?
- If it's so built up, you'll
- I don't get those anymore.
Agh, dude, fucking dying, man.
You know, I picked Atlantic City
because I knew I'd have
a bunch of options.
Didn't think you would cock-block me.
I-I don't know, man.
I-I'm sorry. Like
Yeah, now I can't even go
back to that strip club.
All the snow out there
it's all accumulated.
My chair would get fucked up.
What do you want to do, man,
just so we can make you feel better?
We're in Atlantic City.
- Call a hooker.
- No, dude.
I don't want that energy in here.
- It's
- Oh, fuck your energy.
I'm dying, man.
What if we get you on Tinder,
yeah, and you can just, like,
maybe match with a nice
woman, and then
and then she can come over,
and and something could
happen organically?
I am not going on Tinder
to use a woman.
I'm not you.
[GROANING]
RAMY: All right, all right.
Hey, hey, what if, uh
What if I what if I
what if I help you?
Like like, dude, if you're
gonna die or something,
I'll, uh I'll jerk you off.
You think jerking me off is
less haram than a hooker?
I don't know. I don't know, all right?
I-I-I I'm just I'm just
trying to do the right thing.
STEVE: The fuck is wrong with you?
You want to jerk me off
so you can feel like a better Muslim.
You're not going to use my come
to wash your sins.
All right, man. Okay,
all right. Just let's
we'll we'll call somebody.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Okay.
- Hurry up.
- All right, I'm on it.
What part are you at?
[STAMMERS] I'm at the Kaaba.
It's so unreal.
Really? Oh, man.
[BREATHLESSLY] Oh
It feels like I'm
[SPEAKING ARABIC], man.
- For real?
- MO: It's so amazing.
It's it's like a
it's like an apocalypse of snow outside,
and [LAUGHS]
I'm in [SPEAKING ARABIC] and I can
like, feel the warmth.
Like, really feel it?
MO: I mean, almost.
- Okay.
- [SPEAKING ARABIC]
Ohh
Bro, I know a guy who kissed
the Black Stone once,
woke up the next day with a cold sore.
He had to sit out the rest of Hajj.
[CHANTING IN ARABIC]
- [CONTINUES CHANTING]
- AHMED: You're saying it wrong.
You're drunk.
I got some sins I gotta clear, too.
[MO CONTINUES CHANTING]
If you could please make it,
that that would be, uh, amazing.
Okay, thank you, Lindsay.
Another no?
RAMY: She said she's gonna try,
but nobody wants to come
because of the snow.
- Ah, fuck.
- RAMY: I tried everything, dude,
every website.
I talked to a pimp.
Like, a pimp has my
phone number right now.
I don't he could do
anything with that.
- I
- STEVE: [GROANS]
All right, listen.
If this is not about
pleasing your Allah
then maybe you can do this.
Look, man, I-I don't think Allah
would be pleased by this.
Just tell me how you would do it.
Look, I think I'd just
try to do whatever,
you know, the lowest-impact
version of it would be.
Like, maybe, uh, I'd put
my hand on your hand,
and just kind of, like, guide like that
- so it feels like you, like you're doing it.
- No, man.
You'd pull my shoulder out.
Right, okay. Um
w-what if I take this towel, yeah?
It's a soft towel.
I place it on, and I just
kind of, like, you know,
the two ends and just kind
of create some torque
and and and
Fine.
Just promise me that
you're going to hate this.
Just tell me you're grossed out by it.
Tell me you're a shitty Muslim.
I'm yeah, dude,
I'm grossed out by it,
and I'm
I'm I am a shitty Muslim, all right?
I'm a I'm a fucking
I'm a piece of shit Muslim.
- Feel it?
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'm just trying to get
STEVE: [GRUNTS]
- No, no, it's not working.
- No?
- No, I'm getting rug burn.
- No, no?
Sorry, sorry.
- Yeah?
- STEVE: Yeah, it's fine.
Okay, um, let me just try the pillow.
- Sure.
- Try it try it with the
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Let's try to
- Uh, great.
- Yeah?
Put it there.
Get in there, yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah?
- Okay.
- All right.
Ow.
Dude, ease up.
I'm I'm all right.
No, no, easy.
Okay, okay.
STEVE: Agh.
Ah, shit, ow.
RAMY: Okay, let me try something.
Put can you put it in drive?
- Put it in drive. Put it in drive.
- What?
- Just put it Just put it in drive.
- What the fuck?
- Okay, fine.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
- It's moving?
Okay.
Ramy, what are you doing?
What?
- No.
- Okay.
[COUPLE MOANING ON PHONE]
Turn it off. Stop. This isn't working.
Yeah, I know, dude. I know
it's not fucking working.
- I'm trying to
- Shut the fuck up
and give a minute.
[GROANS]
All right, look.
I've been doing this for
my entire adult life,
and there is only one way
that this is going to get done.
[WINCES]
You have to use your hands.
- Bare hands.
- Yeah, yeah, I get that.
- Just get it over with.
- RAMY: Okay, all right.
Ah, cold, cold!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Shit.
- Come on, dude.
- RAMY: You want me to, like
maybe I'll put some hot water on it.
- STEVE: Yeah.
- Yeah? Okay, all right.
Jeez, you have, like,
worse circulation than me.
Ugh.
- [WATER RUNNING]
- Agh!
Oh, hurry up, man.
Oh, I'm dying, dude.
Okay, all right, dude.
Just just give me a sec, all right?
What what is this?
- I'm just
- What are you doing?
Look, I'm just gonna pray, and then
and then we'll do it, all right?
- I just I need to pray.
- Pray?
No, no, no.
You said this was not about you
feeling good about yourself.
Do not pray right now.
Dude, come on. It's my
bachelor party, okay?
- I can pray before I jerk you off.
- Shut the fuck up.
Get over here and jerk me off
right fucking now.
[MOTOR WHIRRING]
[SIGHS]
[WHISPERS]
[GROANS]
- You good?
- STEVE: Yep.
Okay.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
[MOTOR WHIRRS]
Hey there.
Hey, um
You already, uh
Yeah.
We're we're good.
I'm still gonna have to charge you.
RAMY: Yeah, yeah, no,
for sure. I got it, um
I got this is what
this is what I have.
Okay.
Yeah.
Dude, if you had just let me pray,
man, it would have timed out perfectly.
- If you
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
If you actually believed in God,
you wouldn't have listened to me.
- You told me you were dying.
- STEVE: Ramy
You looked at me, and you said,
- "I'm dying."
- STEVE: Ramy
I don't have the strength
to fight right now.
Can you just hold me?
You want me to hold you?
I'm cold, and after what we just did,
it was fucking weird,
so could you just hold me?
Yeah.
♪
AHMED: It's a miracle, subhanallah.
MO: Subhanallah, indeed.
And you don't have to worry
about your sandals getting
stolen at the [SPEAKING ARABIC].
AHMED: [SPEAKING ARABIC]
without all the germs.
I can really come around to this.
MO: I'm telling you,
bro, it's incredible.
Look at this.
♪
- Wow.
- AHMED: Wow.
Check out right here.
Oh, ho!
♪
AHMED: H-help me. Help me.
♪
MO: Here. Go in here.
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN:
Got no time for the corner boys ♪
[BOTH WEEPING]
BRUCE: Down in the street
making all that noise ♪
♪
Don't want no whores
on eighth avenue ♪
♪
'Cause tonight I'm gonna be with you ♪
♪
'Cause tonight I'm
gonna take that ride ♪
♪
Cross the river to the Jersey side ♪
♪
Take my baby to the corner ♪
Yeah, definitely gotta get married.
- BRUCE: And I'll take you ♪
- Mm-hmm.
BRUCE: On all the rides ♪
Sing sha la la la la ♪
AHMED: [SPEAKING ARABIC]
This is so beautiful.
Please, ya Allah,
please forgive my sins.
- BRUCE: Sha la la ♪
- MO: Is that my cousin?
AHMED: Your cousin's here too?
MO: I think he's there, bro.
BRUCE: Sha la la la la ♪
I'm in love with a Jersey girl ♪
Sha la la la la ♪
♪
Sha la la la la la la la la ♪
Sha la la sha la la la la ♪
Sha la la la la la ♪
♪
You know she thrills me ♪
With all her charms ♪
♪
When I'm wrapped
up in my baby's arms ♪
♪
My little angel gives me everything ♪
♪
I know some day that
she'll wear my ring ♪
So don't bother me ♪
'Cause I got no time ♪
I'm on my way to see
that girl of mine, yeah ♪
Nothing else matters in
this whole wide world ♪
When you're in love
with a Jersey girl ♪
Sing sha la la la ♪
♪
Sha la la la la la ♪
La la la la la la ♪
Sha la la sha la la la ♪
Sha la la la I'm in love ♪
With a Jersey girl ♪
Sha la la la la ♪
Sha la la la la la la la la ♪
Sha la la sha la la la la ♪
Sha la la la la la ♪
♪
[LAUGHS]
[ELECTRONIC RINGING]
You're lucky I still have this on.
What is so pressing?
I-I just wanted to talk
to you about something
that I couldn't really talk
to you about at the center.
Um, look, I really like you,
and I told the sheikh
that I would tell you
some things about me,
uh, before we get to know each other,
and, uh, I-I think you
need to know that
I have had sex,
and I have watched a lot of porn,
and and I've had sex with people
that I shouldn't have had it with.
Um
Yeah, I don't need to know the details.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
Uh, okay, but yeah,
but the sheikh told me
that that I should,
you know, tell you about
No, I-I know who you are.
I-I get the vibe.
Like, what vibe?
Like like a like a porn vibe?
Like, you feel, like,
a porn vibe off me?
No, I no. I know you've
you've had a past,
and I don't need the details.
Really?
Yeah.
I'm just interested in
who you are becoming,
who you want to be.
That's it.
♪
Okay.
So this is my room,
and that is all you will
ever see, ever, in person.
This is the rest of the house.
Great lighting. And
this is my mom's piano.
[HALTINGLY PLAYING PIANO]
♪
- Blah, blah, blah.
- [LAUGHS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
You're popular. You're trying
to tell me you're not popular.
You're like a popular person.
- You're defin
- No!
You're definitely a popular person.
Yeah, I feel like people
are trying to talk to you
and, you know, are
you know, they're they're
wanna know what you think.
♪
I mean, not really.
This is the piece everyone's
been talking about.
[LAUGHS]
- Wow, that was
- [IMITATES PULSING SOUND]
Wow, that's yeah. That. [LAUGHS]
♪
I just I feel so much closer
to God when I'm with you.
ZAINAB: I feel the same way, too,
'cause I have to teach you so much.
♪
[CELL PHONE BUZZES]
Hey, what's up?
STEVE: Pack your bag.
Come outside, bitch.
MO: There he is! Let's go, baby!
STEVE: Get your shit.
We're going to Atlantic City.
What?
Your bachelor party. Let's go.
- Yeah, I'm I'm not getting married.
- MO: Come on, man.
We know how seriously you've
been taking Zainab, bro.
You've been talking to
her for a month nonstop.
You've been leading prayers.
You've got prayer beads
around your neck.
Your posture's better.
MO: It's only a matter of time, bro.
You're on a Muslim schedule.
You're gonna be married within a month.
Yasmina and I did our katb kitab
17 days after our parents met.
The reason I know the days is,
we were gonna wait ten days,
but then she got her menstrual cycle,
so we pushed a week. 17 days.
Yeah, dude, our parents
haven't even met yet.
MO: That's why it's the right time!
I don't like how white people
do their bachelor parties.
It's really weird, man.
They do them right before the wedding.
[LAUGHS] They're already committed.
That's disgusting.
Who who came up with this?
- Steve.
- Steve did.
Look, man.
It's a really good night for me to sin.
I've got my virtual umrah
scheduled for later tonight.
RAMY: Virtual umrah?
Oh, my God. Shut up!
MO: Yeah, man. I've got a guy
in Mecca doing umrah for me.
It's a new startup.
The patent is pending.
Fatwa's pending too.
I got the VR working.
I got the guy heading
to umrah right now.
All right? He's gonna be in Mecca.
He's all my sins are gonna be
wiped clean within six hours,
so I gotta get in some shit right now.
I'm just going to make sure
none of you guys do anything
you're gonna regret.
MO: He wants to go.
This guy's a gambling addict.
I will not touch the slots.
I'm not gonna gamble. I'm just driving.
Yeah, look, I don't want to
go to Atlantic City, all right?
It's disgusting.
It's a bunch of haram shit
that I'm I'm not doing anymore.
STEVE: Hey, man, ever since
you've been so religious,
I've barely seen you,
and once you get married,
I'm never gonna see you.
So let's just try to have some fun
one [PAINED] last time.
What's going on? Are you okay?
- Just get in the fucking van.
- MO: Get in the fucking car.
My guy is waiting for his
flight to Mecca, okay?
He already has the the haram on.
Let me let me just
let me sleep on it.
Maybe we'll go tomorrow. I
AHMED: No, Ramy. We gotta go
before the snowstorm hits
or you're gonna be snowed
in with your family
and the next thing you know, you're
gonna be married before it melts.
You wanna go that bad?
No, I'm only going 'cause you're going.
It's haram. I understand it's haram.
But it's gonna snow.
I don't do well with snow.
Look, one one night, okay?
One night, and we're not gonna
do anything crazy. Yeah?
Keep it halal 100%.
AHMED: Bring some sheets, though.
Some of these hotels have bad sheets.
- Extra ones, just in case.
- Shut up.
Just get your shit. Hurry up.
- Shut the fuck up, Ahmed.
- MO: Dude, what the fuck
- are you bringing up sheets?
- AHMED: I saw blood on a sheet.
AHMED: Ugh. Smells like old carpet.
[SMOOTH MUSIC PLAYING]
What the fuck is this hotel, Steve?
It was the only hotel left.
There's a big fight this weekend.
Bro, it's like, 45 minutes
away from the main strip.
Hey, man, this is one of the only spots
not hit by Hurricane Sandy.
It's resilient.
I think it's kind of
nice that we're far away
from all the distractions. It's good.
Oh, shit, bro. It's like
strip club is like six blocks away.
Yeah, I know. They don't have a ramp,
so I brought my manual wheelchair.
Yeah, why don't we do something
a little bit more low-key?
Yeah? Like maybe go to a
magic show or something?
Magic? That shit's demonic.
Astaghfirullah, definitely evil.
You're saying strippers are
more halal than magicians?
100%.
Magicians speak to jinn.
Strippers express themselves.
Eh, Ahmed, come on, man.
You don't want to go to a strip club.
No, I don't want to go,
but if I do go, I won't look at them.
Maybe I can give some of
the employees some money
- to put towards their studies, inshallah.
- Shut the fuck up.
What are you, Drake?
You're gonna put these
strippers through college?
Yes. This is actually sadaqah.
Dude, this isn't what we agreed on.
STEVE: Ramy,
you've been haram your entire life.
I know how you are with women,
so let's not pretend
that you can't do this
for one more night.
MO: Come on, man, let's go.
[SPEAKING ARABIC]
Let's get out of here.
I'm running out of time.
Let's get some titties in Steve's face.
- [SPEAKING ARABIC]
- STEVE: Yes, we should.
Yeah, you guys check in.
I'll meet you upstairs.
I gotta call Yasmina.
MO: Yeah. Here,
I'll take the fucking bag.
- AHMED: Thank you.
- MO: All right, no problem.
[MACHINE SOUNDS]
Ex excuse me, sir,
in the blue hoodie.
Yeah, what?
I need you to push this button for me.
Why can't you fucking do it?
I'm Muslim. I can't, man.
I just need you to push
this button for me.
♪
You hit the jackpot,
you can keep all the winnings.
I can't take the money.
It's haram. It's the devil's work.
Yeah, whatever, man.
All I gotta do is hit this button?
AHMED: Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Use your right hand.
Always lead with your right.
♪
GAMBLER: Holy shit.
[LAUGHS] $1,400!
How the fuck did you know, man?
I just do. I always do.
GAMBLER: [LAUGHS]
I gotta go. I gotta go pray
before I go to the strip
club with my friends.
Yeah, I'm gonna do some
fucking praying of my own.
[ARAB RAP MUSIC]
♪
[RAPPING IN ARABIC CONTINUES]
♪
- Get down.
- Get down here. Get down here
and give my man a lap dance.
My man's almost about to get married.
Uh, no, I'm I'm okay. Thank you.
- I got you, bro.
- Uh, I'm okay. Thank you,
- thank you so much.
- STRIPPER: So you're Ramy?
Gonna get married?
Um, w-well, our, uh our
parents are about to meet,
and we're Muslim, so
STRIPPER: Hmm Muslim.
Yeah, yeah, and um
you know, in our
in our culture, when the parents meet,
uh, usually, we try to
get married quickly
so that we we don't
have sex before marriage.
- Oh, yeah?
- RAMY: Uh
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
Um, so so yeah, that's, uh
That's that's what's
happening right now.
So so this is all a little
little premature, uh
♪
So, uh [CHUCKLES]
Sorry, c-can you, uh
c-could you take those off?
These?
Yeah. Uh, c-can you
can you take them off?
Like, no, take them off, seriously.
Those are my prayer beads.
My my sheikh please, I need those.
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
Yeah. Dude.
♪
MO: Whoa. What happened to Ramy?
Who cares?
[MUFFLED RAP MUSIC IN BACKGROUND]
♪
Ramy, you okay?
Dude, it's fucking disgusting in there.
I know. I agree.
RAMY: Then why are you here, man?
I thought you knew better than this.
I just expected more from you.
Me? You expected more from me?
- Yeah.
- AHMED: Do you know how many times
I've watched you do crazy things,
slowly waiting, praying
that you do the right thing?
- I-I know.
- I never judged you!
I just prayed for you.
Do you know how many
times I've prayed for you?
I've prayed for you more times
than I prayed for the refugees.
Then I feel guilty about that
because I say to myself, "Ahmed,
"why are you praying for Ramy?
"You could pray for the refugees.
Why? You don't know
who to decide to "
Then I get a panic attack,
and I feel bad about myself
because I can send that
energy to those kids, but no,
I gotta send them to you
when I know you ain't worth shit.
Okay, look, man, I'm
I'm sorry. I'm I'm just
You don't think I know this
strip joint is disgusting?
But I got other demons
to deal with myself.
I could be a world poker champion!
I'm just trying to do
the right thing, okay?
You're not doing the right thing.
You're using the urinal. It's haram.
All that splash-back's
getting on your clothes.
You're covered in piss.
Your prayers won't count.
[RAP CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND]
♪
["THROW SOME MORE" PLAYING]
♪
SINGER: Goody so good,
it made my seats wet ♪
- RAMY: Dude, we we
- No, no.
Excuse me. Sorry. I, uh
- STEVE: Ramy, get out.
- Here, thank you for your work,
but I we gotta go. We gotta go.
Here, it's here.
For you. Yep, we're getting out of here.
Ramy, don't do this.
Ramy, I swear to God, no.
No!
Ramy. Fuck.
RAMY: Come on, guys. Let's go.
We're getting out of here.
Dude, what are you talking about, man?
Hold on a second.
I got I got another 30 minutes.
My guy's about to check in
to the Mecca Hilton Towers.
I don't want to be here anymore.
You interrupted a lap dance.
You don't do that.
This place isn't good for us.
It's it's not good for
the people who work here.
Half this place is like an office.
There's there's a guy, like,
printing something back there.
Like, spiritually, this this sucks.
STEVE: Stop with the religious shit.
RAMY: Steve, I'm telling you, man,
if you just believed in something,
it would change everything for you.
Just trust me.
It is always the same
with the religious people.
Muslims, Christians
all you do is tell people
how to live their lives.
Dude, I'm trying to help you.
- That's what I'm trying to do.
- Yo, yo, yo, yo.
You guys can't be arguing
about God and shit in here.
No religion. I mean, it's a titty joint.
What's the matter with you?
I got a certain ambience
to uphold around here,
and you fucking guys are making
everything uncomfortable.
You know what? I want you and your
whole fucking crew out of here.
- What?
- RAMY: Yeah, sure.
- No problem. Yes!
- OWNER: Take 'em out.
OWNER: Claudio, get these
fucking guys out of here.
RAMY: Yeah, we're trying to leave.
That's what we're doing.
Good. Take the furry-neck motherfucker
and the turtleneck motherfucker.
- Take them both out and go!
- Come on!
- Yes, sir. Let's go. Come on, let's go.
- MO: Come on, Ramy.
- Come on!
- Ah, jeez!
The fuck out of here.
MO: Fucking last time
I see you this year.
You gotta change the tubes
in your soda machines.
Take a walk take a walk!
Claudio, get this guy and
take his fucking crew out,
all of them!
DJ: All right, folks, it's
snowing hard out there,
so let's stay warm with
some half-off dances!
Why, uh why are
we in this room again?
It's the only one with a roll-in shower.
Roll-in shower?
Okay, are we showering you this weekend?
- Is that
- [GROANS]
Dude, what what's wrong, man?
- What's happening?
- I have to come.
I know you wanted to stay
at the strip club, dude,
but I'm telling you,
it's not good for you
- to be there.
- No,
you don't fucking get it.
I gotta come, and I need help.
Agh!
In case you haven't noticed,
my hands don't work,
and because of my condition,
if I don't come, it builds up,
and it really fucking hurts!
Usually, my nurse will help me,
but she's been on maternity leave
for the past month.
She she usually, like
Yes.
- RAMY: Okay.
- But now,
they assigned me this
50-year-old bald guy.
No way I'm asking him.
W-what if, uh what if we
just put you in the bed and
and you just sleep, and then maybe
you'll get a wet dream, right?
- If it's so built up, you'll
- I don't get those anymore.
Agh, dude, fucking dying, man.
You know, I picked Atlantic City
because I knew I'd have
a bunch of options.
Didn't think you would cock-block me.
I-I don't know, man.
I-I'm sorry. Like
Yeah, now I can't even go
back to that strip club.
All the snow out there
it's all accumulated.
My chair would get fucked up.
What do you want to do, man,
just so we can make you feel better?
We're in Atlantic City.
- Call a hooker.
- No, dude.
I don't want that energy in here.
- It's
- Oh, fuck your energy.
I'm dying, man.
What if we get you on Tinder,
yeah, and you can just, like,
maybe match with a nice
woman, and then
and then she can come over,
and and something could
happen organically?
I am not going on Tinder
to use a woman.
I'm not you.
[GROANING]
RAMY: All right, all right.
Hey, hey, what if, uh
What if I what if I
what if I help you?
Like like, dude, if you're
gonna die or something,
I'll, uh I'll jerk you off.
You think jerking me off is
less haram than a hooker?
I don't know. I don't know, all right?
I-I-I I'm just I'm just
trying to do the right thing.
STEVE: The fuck is wrong with you?
You want to jerk me off
so you can feel like a better Muslim.
You're not going to use my come
to wash your sins.
All right, man. Okay,
all right. Just let's
we'll we'll call somebody.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Okay.
- Hurry up.
- All right, I'm on it.
What part are you at?
[STAMMERS] I'm at the Kaaba.
It's so unreal.
Really? Oh, man.
[BREATHLESSLY] Oh
It feels like I'm
[SPEAKING ARABIC], man.
- For real?
- MO: It's so amazing.
It's it's like a
it's like an apocalypse of snow outside,
and [LAUGHS]
I'm in [SPEAKING ARABIC] and I can
like, feel the warmth.
Like, really feel it?
MO: I mean, almost.
- Okay.
- [SPEAKING ARABIC]
Ohh
Bro, I know a guy who kissed
the Black Stone once,
woke up the next day with a cold sore.
He had to sit out the rest of Hajj.
[CHANTING IN ARABIC]
- [CONTINUES CHANTING]
- AHMED: You're saying it wrong.
You're drunk.
I got some sins I gotta clear, too.
[MO CONTINUES CHANTING]
If you could please make it,
that that would be, uh, amazing.
Okay, thank you, Lindsay.
Another no?
RAMY: She said she's gonna try,
but nobody wants to come
because of the snow.
- Ah, fuck.
- RAMY: I tried everything, dude,
every website.
I talked to a pimp.
Like, a pimp has my
phone number right now.
I don't he could do
anything with that.
- I
- STEVE: [GROANS]
All right, listen.
If this is not about
pleasing your Allah
then maybe you can do this.
Look, man, I-I don't think Allah
would be pleased by this.
Just tell me how you would do it.
Look, I think I'd just
try to do whatever,
you know, the lowest-impact
version of it would be.
Like, maybe, uh, I'd put
my hand on your hand,
and just kind of, like, guide like that
- so it feels like you, like you're doing it.
- No, man.
You'd pull my shoulder out.
Right, okay. Um
w-what if I take this towel, yeah?
It's a soft towel.
I place it on, and I just
kind of, like, you know,
the two ends and just kind
of create some torque
and and and
Fine.
Just promise me that
you're going to hate this.
Just tell me you're grossed out by it.
Tell me you're a shitty Muslim.
I'm yeah, dude,
I'm grossed out by it,
and I'm
I'm I am a shitty Muslim, all right?
I'm a I'm a fucking
I'm a piece of shit Muslim.
- Feel it?
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'm just trying to get
STEVE: [GRUNTS]
- No, no, it's not working.
- No?
- No, I'm getting rug burn.
- No, no?
Sorry, sorry.
- Yeah?
- STEVE: Yeah, it's fine.
Okay, um, let me just try the pillow.
- Sure.
- Try it try it with the
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Let's try to
- Uh, great.
- Yeah?
Put it there.
Get in there, yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah?
- Okay.
- All right.
Ow.
Dude, ease up.
I'm I'm all right.
No, no, easy.
Okay, okay.
STEVE: Agh.
Ah, shit, ow.
RAMY: Okay, let me try something.
Put can you put it in drive?
- Put it in drive. Put it in drive.
- What?
- Just put it Just put it in drive.
- What the fuck?
- Okay, fine.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
- It's moving?
Okay.
Ramy, what are you doing?
What?
- No.
- Okay.
[COUPLE MOANING ON PHONE]
Turn it off. Stop. This isn't working.
Yeah, I know, dude. I know
it's not fucking working.
- I'm trying to
- Shut the fuck up
and give a minute.
[GROANS]
All right, look.
I've been doing this for
my entire adult life,
and there is only one way
that this is going to get done.
[WINCES]
You have to use your hands.
- Bare hands.
- Yeah, yeah, I get that.
- Just get it over with.
- RAMY: Okay, all right.
Ah, cold, cold!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Shit.
- Come on, dude.
- RAMY: You want me to, like
maybe I'll put some hot water on it.
- STEVE: Yeah.
- Yeah? Okay, all right.
Jeez, you have, like,
worse circulation than me.
Ugh.
- [WATER RUNNING]
- Agh!
Oh, hurry up, man.
Oh, I'm dying, dude.
Okay, all right, dude.
Just just give me a sec, all right?
What what is this?
- I'm just
- What are you doing?
Look, I'm just gonna pray, and then
and then we'll do it, all right?
- I just I need to pray.
- Pray?
No, no, no.
You said this was not about you
feeling good about yourself.
Do not pray right now.
Dude, come on. It's my
bachelor party, okay?
- I can pray before I jerk you off.
- Shut the fuck up.
Get over here and jerk me off
right fucking now.
[MOTOR WHIRRING]
[SIGHS]
[WHISPERS]
[GROANS]
- You good?
- STEVE: Yep.
Okay.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
[MOTOR WHIRRS]
Hey there.
Hey, um
You already, uh
Yeah.
We're we're good.
I'm still gonna have to charge you.
RAMY: Yeah, yeah, no,
for sure. I got it, um
I got this is what
this is what I have.
Okay.
Yeah.
Dude, if you had just let me pray,
man, it would have timed out perfectly.
- If you
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
If you actually believed in God,
you wouldn't have listened to me.
- You told me you were dying.
- STEVE: Ramy
You looked at me, and you said,
- "I'm dying."
- STEVE: Ramy
I don't have the strength
to fight right now.
Can you just hold me?
You want me to hold you?
I'm cold, and after what we just did,
it was fucking weird,
so could you just hold me?
Yeah.
♪
AHMED: It's a miracle, subhanallah.
MO: Subhanallah, indeed.
And you don't have to worry
about your sandals getting
stolen at the [SPEAKING ARABIC].
AHMED: [SPEAKING ARABIC]
without all the germs.
I can really come around to this.
MO: I'm telling you,
bro, it's incredible.
Look at this.
♪
- Wow.
- AHMED: Wow.
Check out right here.
Oh, ho!
♪
AHMED: H-help me. Help me.
♪
MO: Here. Go in here.
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN:
Got no time for the corner boys ♪
[BOTH WEEPING]
BRUCE: Down in the street
making all that noise ♪
♪
Don't want no whores
on eighth avenue ♪
♪
'Cause tonight I'm gonna be with you ♪
♪
'Cause tonight I'm
gonna take that ride ♪
♪
Cross the river to the Jersey side ♪
♪
Take my baby to the corner ♪
Yeah, definitely gotta get married.
- BRUCE: And I'll take you ♪
- Mm-hmm.
BRUCE: On all the rides ♪
Sing sha la la la la ♪
AHMED: [SPEAKING ARABIC]
This is so beautiful.
Please, ya Allah,
please forgive my sins.
- BRUCE: Sha la la ♪
- MO: Is that my cousin?
AHMED: Your cousin's here too?
MO: I think he's there, bro.
BRUCE: Sha la la la la ♪
I'm in love with a Jersey girl ♪
Sha la la la la ♪
♪
Sha la la la la la la la la ♪
Sha la la sha la la la la ♪
Sha la la la la la ♪
♪
You know she thrills me ♪
With all her charms ♪
♪
When I'm wrapped
up in my baby's arms ♪
♪
My little angel gives me everything ♪
♪
I know some day that
she'll wear my ring ♪
So don't bother me ♪
'Cause I got no time ♪
I'm on my way to see
that girl of mine, yeah ♪
Nothing else matters in
this whole wide world ♪
When you're in love
with a Jersey girl ♪
Sing sha la la la ♪
♪
Sha la la la la la ♪
La la la la la la ♪
Sha la la sha la la la ♪
Sha la la la I'm in love ♪
With a Jersey girl ♪
Sha la la la la ♪
Sha la la la la la la la la ♪
Sha la la sha la la la la ♪
Sha la la la la la ♪
♪