Retired at 35 (2011) s02e07 Episode Script

This is good wine, Amy.
It's one of those fancy ones with a cork.
What's for dinner? You're for dinner.
[Romantic music.]
You okay, sweetie? Yeah.
You wanna do it? I'm good.
Okay.
Night.
Thank you.
Mmm.
This apple-tini's really good.
What else are you good at? Uh, sex on the beach.
Uh, which is also a drink.
Yes, it is, and I like both.
I'm Katrina.
Call me.
"I'm David the bartender, and I like sex on the beach.
" That was sickening.
You have a girlfriend.
Yeah, I'm not gonna call that girl.
Then why did you take her number? Uh, insurance.
- What? - Insurance.
Jenn and I have only been dating for three weeks, and we haven't made anything official.
You of all people should make it official.
You're not gonna do any better, and you could do way worse, I've seen it.
Hey, David.
Oh, hello, Amy.
Everything okay, guys? Both: Yeah, fine.
- You okay? - What are you talking about? Hey, so about what happened when we kissed-- No, no, no, let's just put it in the past.
Look, it's bad enough I had a dream about it.
Look, I've said too much.
Jared's coming to meet me here.
Maybe we shouldn't be sitting right next to each other.
You sure have a lot of time off during the day.
I want your job.
No, I don't.
Not even a little.
Now I greet my baby And she loves it, as do I.
I know we were gonna grab lunch here, but as much as I like my food served in paper-lined baskets, uh, today I feel like splurging for a plate.
Yeah, okay, great, let's go.
No, no, finish your drink.
Oh.
- Mm, let's go.
- Whoo-hoo.
Looks like Uncle Jared's gonna get some afternoon boom-boom.
Hey, where are they going so fast? They're leaving.
Man, I can't stop thinking about your sister.
Brandon, friend, you've got to get over this crush.
She lives with Jared.
It's more than a crush, and there's something you don't know.
I kissed Amy.
Whoa, wow, what? I pressed my lips against hers, and stuck my tongue in her mouth and moved it around.
Oh, that's right, it was that sexy.
Sorry, I just got a text from the sitter.
Gotta go.
No, if you leave, I'll have to talk to my parents.
- David? - Mm? Why do you have a bar napkin with a girl's number on it? Uh, ha.
Why do you have a bar napkin with a girl's number on it, huh? "Katrina.
Call me.
" Oh, and the "I" is dotted with a little heart.
She seems smart.
Okay, you know what that is? I'll tell you what that is.
That is--you're-- that's nothing, is what-- well, okay, look, I'm not-- literally, it's not nothing, it's obviously something if you're holding it.
It exists in the world, in space, but I'm just saying that it's a work thing from work and you-- Okay.
This girl that I was serving gave me her number, and I just stuck it in my pocket.
Nice work.
Quite the stud.
Why'd you keep this number? You're so pretty.
No, I get it.
You just kept this number in case we break up.
It's likeinsurance.
Yes, exactly, see, that's what I was telling Amy-- No, I wasn't telling her that.
You know what? It was in my head that I said it, and I--'cause I wouldn't say it out loud if it was in my head, 'cause that would just be weird.
So if we broke up, you'd call this girl? Well, you don't want me to be alone, do you? Here's one more number for ya.
How did you draw a middle finger so fast? Wait, look, I'm tearing it up! I'm tearing it up [Cackling.]
You find this funny, dad? I do, I really do.
I heard the whole thing, and, man, when you said it was insurance, I said, "Boy, stop digging.
" Butfour feet, five feet, six feet.
You just kept going.
I was just trying to be honest.
Never do that.
Ever.
What did I do? All right, I got a phone number.
Amy--Amy has a boyfriend, she kissed another guy.
What? So your sister has another paramour? Well, tell me about this new gentleman in her life.
It's Brandon.
I see.
Good luck, dad.
Sure, run and hide, you little wussy.
This is very dangerous.
I may need to step in.
It's not your business.
Well, just as a rule of thumb, any person who comes out of me is my business.
This is up to Amy.
Well, of course you'd say that because you like that Brandon.
I do.
I just wanna poke him in the belly, and watch him laugh.
Alan, Jared is dependable, and stable, and nice enough.
And Amy is 34 with a ticking biological clock and a bad man-picker.
- This is serious.
- Elaine Alan, I'm keeping those two together if I have to do it with duct tape and a staple gun.
[Knocking.]
What the hell are you doing? Opening the door and being attacked.
What are you doing? I'd like to talk about your relationship.
Oh, here we go.
I heard you and Brandon kissed.
As the kids say, what is up with that? I know, I know.
It's crazy, and it surprised me, and, mom, I kind of can't stop thinking about it.
Maybe repeating the phrase, "I'd like you to meet my husband, the pool cleaner" - would help.
- Mom.
Amy, is Jared perfect? No, no man is.
But you're not getting any younger, and right now, you have two enemies-- tick and tock.
Mom, I adore Jared, and--and he makes me feel secure.
But now Brandon Funny, cute, big puppy Brandon kisses me, and this guy I saw one way, I see a whole new way, and it's all messed up.
Honey, you are facing a choice - I myself faced many years ago.
- What? There was another man at the same time I met your father.
Well, they were very different, one was wild and passionate, the other more straight-laced and stable.
Well, what happened to the wild and passionate guy? I married him.
Hold up, dad was the passionate one? Oh, yeah.
A tiger.
There-- some of the places that we-- well--well--well, I shouldn't, I shouldn't.
Yes, please don't.
There was this one time Do you know what the "mile high club" is? I'm begging you.
Technically, we were landing, so it wasn't a full mile.
Mom, what happened to the other guy? Oh, he was a very hard worker, uh, invested well, went into real estate.
Now owns an apartment on central park west - worth 12 million - Mom.
- It's in the past.
- So What are you saying? That you think I should start seeing Brandon? No, I got lucky with your father, but you should go with the safe choice.
Oh, here he is now.
Hey, honey.
Hi, Mrs.
Robbins.
Babe, what are you doing? We're gonna be late for dinner.
I thought we'd go for Sushi, unless you wanna try someplace else.
I would choose that one.
Choose that one.
Do you wanna join us, Mrs.
Robbins? Raw fish? What a scam.
What's next, catch your own chicken? Sushi sounds great, sweetie.
I'll just grab my purse, and we'll go.
Listen to me, Bucko.
Get your game together and woo my daughter, because you are this close to losing her, and I will not-- be joining you, thank you very much for your kind offer.
You two have a very, very romantic dinner.
Thanks, mom.
You know what, honey? I was thinking maybe Indian food.
Indian food, ugh.
I don't blame Gandhi for not eating.
[Knocking.]
It's Amy.
- Hey, Ames.
- Brandon I thought we agreed to not talk about the kiss, and now my mom knows all about it.
But I didn't tell your mom, I just told David.
My brother? That's like telling a 14-year-old girl at a slumber party.
Well, I mean, I had to tell someone.
He's my friend.
You must have a friend you talk to about stuff like this.
I did.
You.
But now I can't talk to you anymore because of the stupid kiss.
It wasn't stupid.
Not to me, anyway, and not to you, and you know it.
Get over it.
Look, I don't want this to ruin my relationship with Jared.
Jared.
What do you see in that guy, anyway? Jared's a great guy.
He's devoted, dependable.
He loves me.
Really? Has he ever told you he loves you? Has he? Yeah.
Totally, like, all the time.
I mean, he-- it's embarrassing, he says it so much, I'm like, "Okay, I get it, you love me, move on.
" Okay, fine.
If you love each other so much, I'll never mention it again.
The kiss never happened.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
Look, Brandon, I just want everything to go back to the way it was before the kiss, okay? Friends? Friends.
I gotta get going.
Uh, you can just go out the front.
Mmm.
Oh, Jared, I love you.
Right back at ya.
Pow! You know what else I've noticed? - Mm.
- That when I say "I love you," you never say "I love you" back.
You always say "ditto," or "copy that," or that gun thing.
Those are all creative ways of saying the same thing.
Yes, but it's not actually saying "I love you.
" Yes, but I-I show it in-- in what I do.
I mean, who saved you $138 on your car insurance? Who--who--who took the chaos that was your utensil drawer and made it a safe haven for every spoon, fork, knife, and spork? That's what I do.
That's how I show my L-word For you.
Pow.
Hit me, bartender.
What'll you have? No, really.
Hit me.
In the head.
Knock me out.
Rough day at work? Rough day at life.
I could really use a man's advice about something.
When you're with a woman, do you have a hard time saying the words "I love you"? Wait Jared doesn't say "I love you"? He's incapable.
When I say "I love you," he gives me a"Pit-ow!" - Ah, yes, the old love gun.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Oh.
What have we here? "Todd.
Call me.
" "You're sweet.
Pete.
" "Let's get together sometime.
Reverend Steve.
" Okay, I get it.
You're showing me all the numbers you've collected over the years.
These are from one trip to the mall.
And that's with sweats, no makeup, and a ponytail.
Wait a second.
Somebody wrote their number on your hand? Yeah, I was out of paper.
It's been nice knowing you, David.
Wait a minute, you're breaking up with me? Yeah.
I can't be with someone I can't trust.
I--little heart over the "I"--am done.
I am gonna get going too.
Jared's taking me out tonight.
Maybe we'll hit a carnival, and go for a ride in the tunnel of like.
Well, I just got dumped.
Looks like I'm back on the market.
Call me.
Hey, man.
Listen, I got great news.
Oh, I just got dumped, by the way, but that's not the great news, that's bad news for me.
I got great news for you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Check this out-- Amy told me Jared has never told her he loves her.
I was right.
I knew it.
May be a chance here, big guy, but I'm saying you gotta make a move, and you gotta make it fast.
You think it'll work? I don't know.
Could you live with yourself if you didn't at least try? I couldn't.
I can barely live with myself now.
- Brandon! - Yeah, mom? Go to the store and buy me some cigarettes! I'm done being your errand boy, mom.
Are you done living in my garage? Regular or menthol? - Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, hon.
Hey, dad, don't mind me.
I just came by to grab my sweater.
Jared's waiting in the car.
Waiting in the car? Why? He's scared of you.
Oh, so I roughed him up a bit.
What a baby.
And a tattletale.
Well, I have bigger problems, personal problems.
I was hoping someone wise would tell me what to do.
Honey, you've come to the right person.
Actually, I was talking about dad.
Oh, I see.
Well, I'll make myself scarce while you talk to the wise old owl.
You have two minutes.
Thanks for that, I'll be hearing about it till Christmas.
What's up? Look, dad, I'm worried that there's a guy out there that might be the right guy for me, but I told him I just wanted to be friends, and Another guy who I've been counting on, but he just doesn't seem passionate enough.
Ugh, why am I so rattled by one kiss from Brandon? Well, I haven't kissed Brandon, so I can't speak from experience.
You know, um I was faced with the same choice years ago.
Yeah, yeah, passion versus stability.
You chose passion.
No, I chose stability.
Wait, mom is stable? Stable? I recall a moment at 3,600 feet that would beg to differ.
Is David here? I need to talk to David.
Oh, hey, yeah, man, what's up? Okay, I need some advice.
Red tie, blue tie? Oh, hey, Amy.
I was just going to your place, but since you're here-- You know, man, it's probably not the best time.
Um, what's with the suit? Uh, you said to go for it, so I'm going for it.
I had a vest, but I shot the buttons across the garage.
Hey, hon, did you find your sweater? Ha! Pool guy in a suit! That's hysterical! Listen, I gotta hit the head and then we should go so we don't miss our reservation.
Yeah, you know what? Why don't you use, uh, the restroom here? Uh, the--the-- the toilet lid has fur.
- Ooh.
- No.
Let's just wait till we go to the ha--the restaurant.
I can't.
I can't hold it in.
Neither can I.
Amy, pretend I have a tie on.
I love you.
- I'm in love with you.
- Okay.
Is he serious? He sounds like he's serious.
Oh, yeah.
He's serious, man.
He's wearing a suit.
Puh-pow! Amy, so when we kissed, did it mean something to you or not, 'cause it meant everything to me.
Kissed? Who kissed? Jared, I shouldn't have kept this from you.
I'm sorry, but, yes, Brandon and I kissed.
You kissed him? Well, he kissed me But I didn't pull away.
Okay, I see.
So What's it going to be? Do you wanna be with me, or do you wanna be with Brandon? I knew he knew my name.
What's it going to be, Amy? Um This guy can't even tell you he loves you.
Amy, I'm sorry I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve, but did it ever occur to you that maybe I was afraid to say "I love you"? That's a huge deal for me.
I've never told anyone this, but Every woman I've ever said "I love you" to has left me, and I didn't want that to happen with you because you make me feel like the luckiest guy in the world.
Dude, that was beautiful.
And I'm sorry that you feel I wasn't good enough for you.
Maybe we should just call it quits.
- Goodbye, Amy.
- Wait.
And, by the way I do love you.
Can't help but feel like some of this is my fault.
Man, this is messed up.