Sanford and Son (1972) s02e07 Episode Script

- Hey, Pop.
- Shh, shh, shh.
What are you watching that for? Don't you ever get tired of that? I watch what I wanna watch.
I'm grown.
You're grown, all right.
You watch vampire movies and then you have to sleep with the light on.
Show you what you know.
It's not a vampire movie.
It's a werewolf movie.
Oh.
That's different.
Somebody in there looks like the girl I went with before I met your mother.
Who, that white woman there? No, dummy.
Wolfman.
Look at that.
There he is.
Look.
Same little beady eyes.
Same little beady, bloodshot eyes.
Same kind of hair: Short.
You know, her hair wasn't that long.
Ugly woman.
Pop, if she was so ugly, what were you doing with her? Son, she was ugly, but Lord knows that woman could cook.
She out-cooked Julia Child.
She out-cooked the Galloping Gourmet.
She out-cooked my mother Mary.
She could cook.
I remembered many times we'd be sitting on the couch.
Lights were low.
Music was soft.
Glenn Miller.
See, I forget all the words.
I'd be sitting there and I'd put my arm around her.
Comfortable.
And I'd look her right in the face.
I'd say, "Gee whiz, why don't you get up and cook something?" See, look at that.
You made me miss the end of the movie.
You was telling me a story, Pop.
Yeah, I like to reminisce like that some What are you doing all dressed up? You got company coming? I don't need none of your rowdy friends here keeping me from getting my sleep.
Don't worry.
You'll get your sleep because I'm going out.
- Out? Out? - Out.
Is there an echo in here? You're gonna leave me here all by myself in this house, in this neighborhood, in my poor condition? The answer to all four questions is "yes.
" Well, what if a burglar breaks in? They've been breaking in around here, night and day.
Yeah, I wish somebody would break in here and take some of this junk.
It's nothing to be kidding about.
I won't be able to go to sleep knowing that you ain't here.
Okay, why don't you make a nice, hot whiskey toddy? That'll help you sleep.
That won't help me sleep.
Hot whiskey toddy'll keep me up.
Then make yourself a warm glass of milk.
Warm milk makes me burp.
Okay, then why don't you drink a glass of vinegar and suck on a green lemon? - Will that help me sleep? - No.
It'll draw your jaws up tight.
You won't be able to open your big mouth.
You sure are cold and heartless, you know that? What if you came back home and found out I was dead? If I die, I'm gonna come back and haunt you.
- You'll probably be good at it too.
- Yeah.
One night when you least expect it a 65-year-old ghost will jump out behind you and wrap his harp around your skull.
- Who you going out with? - Rollo.
You mean Rita Lawson's son Rollo? - That's the one.
- When did he get out of jail? Say, Pop, why are you always running my friends down? Who told you Rollo was in jail? - Sam Turner told me.
- Sam Turner? How would he know? Were they cellmates? Sam Turner told me that his daughter told him that her daughter told her that - Hey, what's happening, Rollo? - What's up, cool breeze? - Hey, Pops.
- Don't call me Pops.
Hey, Rollo, you look very hip, buddy.
Yeah, and these are just my slumming clothes.
Yeah, I saw a suit like that in the pawnshop over in the slums.
Wrong, Pops.
No, Pops, this suit was tailor-made by a gentleman's tailor.
Yeah, wait till the gentleman find out his suit is missing.
Hey, Pop.
Would you dig yourself? Rollo's a guest in our house.
It's okay, dude.
I appreciate your old man's sense of humor.
And, Pops, just to show that there's no hard feelings have a cigar.
You didn't mix none of that Mexican parsley in here, did you? Wrong again, Pops.
A pal of mine in the navy got that out of Cuba.
Hand-rolled.
Yeah.
A sailor friend of yours rolled a Cuban for his cigar.
Hey, Rollo, listen.
We better split 'cause it's about time to go.
Yeah, all them good-looking sisters be taken by the time we get there.
Why don't y'all take me down there where they got them good-looking sisters? Hey, Pops, I'm sorry, but you're just a little bit too old.
This is a place just for the brothers and the sisters.
Can't y'all take me and put me where they got the mamas and the papas? - You hear what he said? - Forget it, Pop.
Come on, Rollo.
You leave me here by myself, you're gonna have some bad luck.
Why don't you watch some more TV or go to sleep? What do you mean watch TV? I ain't gonna be able to watch nothing.
I ain't gonna be able to close my eyes and that's the way you'll find me when you get back here sitting up here with my eyes wide open.
I ain't gonna go to sleep.
How can you go to sleep in a place like this? Nobody here but you.
Television.
Ain't nothing on here.
I wish Dracula was on tonight.
Yeah, it's impossible to go A war movie.
Gee whiz.
Nobody can go to sleep with a war movie on.
That you, Lamont? Help! Help! It's a robber! Help! It's a burglar! Help! It's a burglar! I got him! I got him! Give me the baseball bat! - Pop, you've got Rollo! - What's wrong with you, Pops? Ain't nothing the matter with me.
When I'm being robbed, I grab the nearest throat.
He might still be in the yard.
You okay, Rollo? - Yeah, man.
- Hey, look at this.
Stuff from the house.
There really was a burglar.
I told you there was a burglar in here.
I told you if you left me by myself, something bad was gonna happen.
What was you doing while he was ripping the house off? What do you mean what was I doing? I was helpless.
You mean you were asleep.
Sleep? I was unconscious.
The burglar knocked me out.
Knocked you out? Yeah.
I didn't come to until I heard you drive up.
- Wait a minute.
Let me see.
Maybe he - He hit me with something soft.
You mean to tell me he knocked you out with something soft? Yeah.
It felt like a soft gun.
See, they're making the handle now with the rubber in them.
It's a good thing we came home when we did.
Help me get this stuff back in the house, Rollo.
Yeah, help him, Rollo.
I can't lift that.
Every time we go someplace I told you though, didn't I? I told you it was some burglars out there just waiting to jump on a poor, defenseless old man.
Hey, man, look.
The dude The dude dropped his gun.
What? A gun? I could've been shot.
I could've been shot.
This is a bad one.
Hey, what's the matter with you, Pop? Why are you so surprised about seeing a gun? - You said he hit you with it.
- I didn't say I saw it.
I felt it.
This is some souvenir he left us.
We didn't have a gun in the house before, but we got one now.
Don't wave that thing around me and get it out of this house.
Would you like me to take it to the Lost and Found? - No.
Give it to the police.
- Why should we give it to the police? They never gave us nothing.
- Give it to me.
I'll take it myself.
- Wait a minute, Pops.
You're making a big mistake taking that to the police station.
Ain't that what you're supposed to do when you find a gun? Hey, that's what a white person does.
You take that there, they'll charge you with every shooting since Lincoln.
They wouldn't charge me with nothing like that.
You two will vouch for me.
Yeah, we'll vouch for you, every day outside the jail with a big sign that says, "Free Fred Sanford.
" - Come on, Pops.
Be smart.
- Yeah, Pop, be smart.
Put that gun in a drawer, and when the burglars come back, we'll be ready.
No, man.
You don't want that thing around here.
It might have been used in a stickup.
Hey, what you wanna do is to get rid of it, man.
Pawn it.
Hey, man, look here.
- Pawn it? - Yeah.
This is a Smith & Wesson.
38.
Snub-nosed, blue steel, walnut-grain handle.
And it must be custom-made because it's an eight-shooter, Jack.
I don't want it in this house.
I don't care if it shoots a hundred times and then start throwing bricks.
Hey, Pops, I'm with you.
That's why I say pawn it.
Hey, man, we can at least get a hundred dollars for it.
- Don't put me in it.
- Wait a minute, Pop.
A hundred dollars is a lot of money.
And look at it this way.
The gun won't be in the house, so you don't have to worry about it.
- I think Rollo's right.
- I ain't got nothing to do with it.
When should we take it down? Tomorrow morning.
Why waste time? - Good.
You're gonna take it in, right? - Well No, man.
You see, I actually can't take it in, Jack because all them pawnshop dealers know me and think something shaky was up.
They'd have the law in there before I could turn around and get out of there.
The police are gonna be involved anyway so you might as well give it to 'em.
You don't wanna do that.
If I take this in there, man, they'll interrogate me into bad health.
- You take it.
- I'd like to take it, Rollo but but I'm young.
Yeah.
I'm a young dude.
Ayoung dude coming in there with a gun right away they'd think something was suspicious.
What we gotta do is find a older person somebody that wouldn't cause that much suspicion.
Just a common everyday old man.
- No, no.
Don't look at me.
- Come on, Pop.
I don't want that gun around me.
Get that gun away from me.
I don't wanna have nothing to do Take the gun.
- Pops! - Oh, this is the big one.
Oh, this is the big one.
You hear that, Elizabeth? This is my last day of freedom.
I'm coming to join you, honey, with a snub-nose in my hand.
- Hey, Rol.
- Hey, man.
We ready to go? I am.
I don't know if my pop is.
Man, ain't nothing to it.
He walks into the pawnshop, lays the gun on the counter and gets his money.
Easy.
Yeah, that's easy for you, Rollo, but that's hard for Pop.
Pop, Rollo's here! Pop! - What is that thing on your head? - An ice bag.
What it look like? It looks like you've been crowned Queen of the May.
What do you need an ice bag for? 'Cause my head is spinning.
I didn't sleep a wink last night just worrying about having a gun here in the house.
You didn't sleep last night, Pop? Not a wink.
I was up all night.
- That cricket must've kept you awake.
- What cricket? The one that was up in your room doing all the snoring.
You don't think so? Well, I was up all night worrying about all this crazy business.
- I said get that gun outta the house.
- Don't start that again.
We agreed to take it to the pawnshop.
And we also agreed that you'd be the one to take it in there.
Who agreed? I didn't.
You did.
All right, we'll take a vote on it.
All those in favor of Fred Sanford taking the gun into the pawnshop signify by saying "aye.
" - Aye! - Aye! Oppose? - The ayes have it.
You take the gun in.
- Wait a minute.
- What's the matter now? - I want a recount.
- Get the gun.
Where's the gun? - I'll get the gun.
Just get the gun so we can pawn it, please.
A suitcase? You mean to tell me you put the gun in a suitcase? I ain't gonna walk down the street with no gun in my hand.
This is not Dodge City and I'm not Marshal Dillon.
Would you please remove the gun from the suitcase? Yeah, Pops, the gun will rattle in there.
My hands will rattle worse.
Take the gun out of the suitcase.
I see you packed a box lunch, but where's the gun? In the box.
In case we was stopped and searched, no one would suspect anything.
If somebody opened the suitcase and found a Thom McAn shoe box they wouldn't suspect anything? - Forget the shoe box, Pop.
- I don't want this.
You take it.
- Don't give it to me.
- Man, I can't do it.
Well, I don't want it.
All right.
I'll tell you what we'll do.
We'll throw it out the window.
All those in favor of Fred Sanford throwing the gun out the window signify by saying "aye.
" - Aye.
The ayes have it.
- Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, Jack.
Look here.
Why don't you put the gun in your pants pocket? What if it went off accidentally? It could shoot my foot off.
I'll never be able to dance again.
Put the gun in your pocket, okay? I'll put it in here, but See there? That's a bad omen.
That means something bad's gonna happen.
Move outta the way, Rollo.
All that means is that you've got a hole in your pocket.
Well, then we're a good set.
Me with a hole in my pocket and you with a hole in your head.
Then why don't you sew up the hole in your pocket? I will if you'll plug up the hole in your head.
Wait.
I got an idea.
- Why don't we just stick it in here? - Wait a minute.
Watch that.
And no one would be the wiser.
And when the sweater's all buttoned up yes, sir! Everything is everything.
Come on.
Let's split, man! Wait a minute now.
Wait.
This will not work.
Look at that bulge.
Don't worry about that.
You can't tell the gun bulge from your bulge.
Wait a minute.
I got a bad feeling about this.
- I got a bad feeling.
- Pop, don't worry about it.
You don't have no bad feeling about it.
We're gonna take care of everything.
Just don't worry about nothing.
You understand that? Now, listen to this, Pop.
When we get to the pawnshop, I want you to ask for a hundred dollars.
You're not gonna take nothing less than a hundred dollars.
I don't wanna go down there 'cause we're gonna be arrested.
We're gonna get Do you know how old I'll be when I get out of jail? Ain't nothing sadder than a 95-year-old ex-convict.
Oh, come on.
I don't know.
I just can't decide which one I like.
I don't know though.
This one seems This one's good too.
But then that ring is That one's a little big for me, I think.
Maybe Yeah, I'll take this one.
Yeah.
I'll take this one, sir.
- That's $13.
- Thirteen dollars.
Thank you.
Yes, sir, can I help you? Say, this is a pawnshop, isn't it? - Yes, it is.
- I thought it was a pawnshop.
I was walking down the street, and I said, "Gee whiz, that's a pawnshop" and I came in here.
You got a lot of nice stuff here.
Is this your pawnshop? Yes.
Are you interested in anything in particular? I'm interested in everything.
Everything.
Yeah, see, I'm sort of a collector, and you got a bunch of nice stuff.
- A collector? - Yeah, see, I'm the inside man and my son, he's the outside man.
You and your son work together.
Yeah, that's right.
But I'm the brains of the outfit, and he's the wheel man.
Oh, he's the wheel man? Yeah, he's the wheel man.
He does pretty good on his own too.
Like last night he brought home a bunch of stuff.
- Made a killing in Beverly Hills.
- He did? Yeah.
Well, listen.
Let's stop all the kidding around and get down to the real business at hand.
Now, I got this gun, see? Yes, I see.
And it's in pretty fair working condition.
So what I want is a hundred dollars.
- A hundred dollars? - Yeah.
- Well, I can't give you that much.
- What's taking you so long? - What's going on? - Is this dude giving you trouble? No, he just said that he couldn't give us a hundred dollars.
- Well, how much? - Well, how about 50? - We'll take it.
- Pop, you can do better than that.
- Yeah, get it up, man.
- Seventy-five? - We'll take it.
- Pop, would you stay out of this? - A hundred dollars.
- I don't carry that much cash on me.
Sometimes I got nothing in my pocket.
- We'll take it.
- What? I'm trying to get $100.
- Nobody move! Freeze! - Get your hands on the counter! - Great day in the morning.
- It's a stickup.
- Swanny.
- Mr.
Sanford.
- Hey, brother.
What's going on? - What's going on? We got a call to investigate an armed robbery at this location.
That's right.
I was being held up by these men.
Do you know them? Held up? Are you kidding? You had this gun pointed right at me and you were demanding money.
How would you like to explain that? How would you like one across your lip? Wait a minute.
Let's get this straight.
You were being held up by these three men? Is that what you said? Wait a minute, Smitty.
I don't know what he's talking about because all we did was come in here to pawn this gun that we found.
- You found that gun? - Yeah.
Last night.
We surprised a burglar when we came home early.
He dropped it as he ran out.
The failure to report a breaking and entering and to relinquish a firearm to the authorities constitute felonious acts.
However, since you have no criminal records we'll nullify the usual accusatory procedures.
We're not gonna bust you.
See, I told you to turn it in.
No.
But you wanted to keep it.
And this dummy here wanted to pawn it.
The reason I'm here between you dummies, trying to sell it to this dummy.
Well, we'll just take this down to headquarters.
And if something like that happens again, call us.
Okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, man.
- Right up.
- On.
- On.
- If you listened to me - Would you just wait a minute? Wait a minute.
Say, excuse me.
Now you know we're not trying to hold you up, how much would you have given? Well, you see, I was just stalling you.
Under other conditions, I would have given you a hundred dollars.
Did you hear that? A hundred dollars.
- I knew you was gonna mess this up.
- Why you screaming at me for? We ain't got no money now.
You're always doing stuff to mess things up.
Hey, listen.
You pay a lot of money for stuff, don't you? - Sometimes.
- Are you interested in guns? That depends.
Well, look, see, I got a World War I rifle.
It's my own.
I used it when I was fighting side by side with Sgt.
York.
See, Sergeant York didn't capture all them Germans by himself.
I was there, but I was in the back, bringing up the rear, as usual.
And it's got his initials on it.
S.
A.
Y.
Sergeant Alvin York.
And you say that you still have this gun? I got it and it's a collector's item.
How much will you give me for it? If it's authentic, I may give you $150.
- $150? - Yes.
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
I'll bring it and I'll bring it.
I'll sell it.
I'll sell it.
And as for your friend Rollo, I never wanna see him again.
- Did you hear that? - I heard.
I heard.
Him and his smart ideas.
Pawn the gun.
We could've been shot in the back.
Do you realize that? Right now you could be laying there with a bullet hole in your pants and beyond.
It's a good thing that them cops were our friends.
If they had been some strange cops, they could've shot us dead.
Would you stop it? We didn't do anything that wrong.
If anybody had taken a shot at us, they'd be sorry.
They'd be sorry, all right.
They'd just add an apology to the eulogy.
- I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
- I don't wanna talk about it either.
- I gotta get my rifle.
- You gotta get what? Get in here and find my rifle.
- The pawnbroker said he'd give me $150.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Say, my rifle is gone.
- Wait a minute.
So is the television.
- Huh? - Here's a note.
Don't say that.
"To whom it may concern: In my haste to leave last night I inadvertently dropped my pistol.
A subsequent search of this house on my part during your absence turned up no pistol but several other interesting articles such as your TV set, radio camera, rifle numerous pairs of glasses, silverware, china - My long drawers? - Long underwear " Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.