Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s02e07 Episode Script

You bit your finger off? What problem was that solving? Obviously, it was an accident.
How do you accidentally bite off an appendage? Because I was trying to keep my shit together around Carl, who I didn't kill, by the way.
No credit there.
Fine.
I was biting my nails.
Then all of a sudden, crunch.
Jesus Christ.
You're stress-eating yourself.
Did anyone see you? No.
I ran to the bathroom and wrapped it up.
And by the time I got back, the investor had left.
[SIGHS.]
It's a clean bite.
- You think it can be reattached? - I don't know.
Maybe there's a way to stick it back on.
Rubber band, extension cord chip clip? No.
Billy Joel CD, Blockbuster card hey, one of our stress balls.
Remember these? [CHUCKLES.]
"You won't be stressed when you work with the best.
" Well, I think I'm pretty fucking stressed.
Is this your toe? I didn't wanna throw it out.
Well, it shouldn't be in the junk drawer.
It should be Well, I guess we can put it back in here for now.
The only good thing was Carl screwed up his pitch so badly, that the investor wants to hear my idea.
So you and I are gonna go present it to him tomorrow.
No.
You can't be around Carl.
You're chewing off pieces of yourself.
Carl won't be there.
He was so humiliated that he claimed he'll be busy golfing with all the living presidents.
You could see on his face he knew he overreached.
Carl may not be at that meeting, but there'll be a hundred more meetings.
By the time we finish this project, you'll just be a mouth on a chair.
Jesus, Joel.
A mouth I would still proudly call my wife.
Well, I'm not giving up on this project.
I don't want to stop living just because I'm undead! - Shit! - Shit! Did you see where it went? - Oh, my God.
- Did you find it? Abby's pacifier.
- Oh, my God, her "mi-mi.
" - I know.
So fast.
- Shit! - Shit! I got your text that it was the clams.
That's great news.
I've already started researching where Japopo's gets them.
Now's not a good time.
Real quick.
Couldn't find their supplier online, but I have a plan.
Tomorrow, we go to Japopo's posing as a father-son seafood company.
We're business partners, we're friends, we're family.
My wife lost her finger.
Like in a crab trap? Probably hard to work that in, but it's great that you're already thinking about backstory.
[SHEILA.]
Found it! And we've got ants.
Just get inside.
Do you think we can fix it? Yeah, because my toe would never stay on.
Well, your toe rotted off, so it was dead-dead.
But your finger was severed, so it's more living-dead, which means if we set it, there's a chance it can go back to normal.
What if it doesn't? I guess you could say you had an accident.
Joel and I were thinking crab trap.
Right, "Dad"? We're not posing as father-son seafood distributors.
The guy at Japopo's already thinks I'm making a documentary about tipping.
Don't get me wrong, there's a story to be told there, but my plate is way too full.
Sure, I get it.
Ain't no thang, you know.
Okay, try it now.
Whoa.
I can lose parts and reattach them.
I'm like a snowman.
Our lives just keep getting better and better.
I'd go easy on it for a few days.
Months? Seconds? I don't know.
But definitely do keep it dry.
Or moist? So, this was a reaction to your boss? Yeah, he was being a condescending prick again.
You should send Abby over there with a lunch tray.
She'll straighten him out.
[CHUCKLES, SNORTS.]
[SHEILA CHUCKLES.]
- What do you mean? - Yeah.
What do you mean? - The tray thing.
- [BOTH.]
What tray thing? What tray thing? I can't believe Abby smashed a boy in the face with a tray.
God, we have so much going on.
When does it end? We do have a lot of balls in the air.
How do jugglers do it? They keep five things going at once.
And dangerous things chainsaws, knives.
I once saw a juggler juggle a smaller juggler.
How is that dangerous? He was juggling the smaller guy against his will.
Oh.
Was that part of the act or something that just happened? I didn't see the start of it.
The point is juggling a lot of things is hard, especially if some of those things don't want to be there.
[SHEILA SIGHS.]
So, what's the plan? We have all the information, but she doesn't know that.
- So for once, we're one step ahead.
- [JOEL.]
Finally! [SHEILA.]
I say we go in, ask her about school, and give her the chance to talk about the tray thing.
- [JOEL.]
Smart.
- Yes.
I can hear you.
- [JOEL.]
Shit.
- [SHEILA.]
Fuck.
[SHEILA.]
Abby, are you in there? [JOEL.]
If so, your mother and I would like to talk to you.
Oh, my God.
Come in.
- Hey! - Hi! Guys, I have some unprompted honesty I'd love to share with you.
I hit someone with a tray.
Well, now we know.
What we don't know is what you were thinking.
He was being a dick to his ex-girlfriend online.
Well, people can be jerks, Abby.
But unless they come at you with a knife, you can't attack them like that.
Mom, you kill and eat people.
I kill and eat people because I have to.
I hit him with a tray because I had to.
Your mother has a medical condition.
That comparison is offensive.
- Right? - Right.
I'm just worried about your future.
You could get expelled.
I'm not getting expelled.
Principal Novak couldn't get anyone to talk.
No loose ends.
I learned that from you.
Mostly from your mistakes.
[SHEILA SCOFFS.]
Yes, we're not good at murder.
I happen to believe that's a positive quality.
And what I find most upsetting is that you don't seem to have any remorse.
- I don't.
- None? Do you want me to lie and say that I do? Of course not.
Right? What's happening to her? Are we raising a monster? I don't know.
She's seen so much crazy stuff lately.
I shouldn't have ripped apart that Serbian guy in front of her.
Looking back, I might've handled that differently.
I killed her best friend's stepdad and put his body in our bathtub.
That's not a story I'm gonna tell at her wedding.
- Oh, no.
My finger's oozing again.
- Oh, Jesus.
Are we kidding ourselves? What if we can't keep all these balls up? We have to.
It's so overwhelming.
Abby, stopping a clam plague, and now work's gotten weird.
Our new sheriff neighbor is looking into the murder of our old sheriff neighbor.
I just wish you could eat chicken.
All right, our first priority is getting Abby back on track.
So tomorrow, we take her to see that boy she hit - and we make her apologize.
- Good idea.
As the great juggler Francisco Garibaldi once said, "When there's fear in your heart and knives in the air, the wise juggler focuses on but a single blade.
" What's with you and the juggling? I saw a cool documentary about a juggler.
You should watch it.
- I'm not going to watch it.
- It has a great twist.
Tell me about it.
He had four wives and 18 children, and none of them knew about each other.
He was juggling balls and families.
Wow.
That's crazy.
I would've liked to have watched that.
You can still watch it.
No.
You ruined it.
I can't believe you guys are actually making me do this.
You apologized to all your victims? Let's stop comparing our behaviors.
Someday, if you have kids, and you get a virus, and start killing people, you'll appreciate how well your mother and I are doing.
It's true.
And then you're gonna call and be like, "Mom, oh, my God, this is so hard.
" And I'll say, "Mm-hmm.
" We know over the last few weeks, we haven't been as focused on parenting as we should have.
But starting now, we're gonna be more hands-on.
And lesson number one is when you hurt somebody - Like by killing them? - No.
This is about you.
When you do something wrong, you take responsibility.
By turning yourself into the police? No, still on you.
You apologize.
- To the loved ones you've left behind? - I'm done.
Your turn.
Apologize or you're not getting your iPad back.
So blackmailing me into saying something I don't believe is your idea of good parenting? So, you admit it is parenting.
Fine.
Let's get this over with.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Impressive house.
Great curb appeal.
Yeah.
If this goes well, maybe we can leave our card.
Hello.
We're Joel and Sheila Hammond.
I'm not used to using our actual names.
Yeah, weird.
And I believe you know our daughter Abby.
I've seen her.
She came here today to apologize.
Isn't that right, Abby? - That's correct.
- Sounds like you don't really want to.
Nope.
[CHUCKLES.]
Tight.
Come on in.
Lovely home.
And we should know because we sell a lot of homes.
High-end homes like this one.
Oh, my God.
[BELL JINGLES.]
[EXHALES.]
Hello.
I'm one half of a father-son seafood distribution company.
I'm the son.
[CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, my dad can't be here.
Well, not that he's an absent father.
Far from it.
We do a lot of things together tennis, word puzzles.
Sometimes we just sit quietly side by side, and that's all right, too.
What do you want? Right, we want to be your new seafood distributor.
We could do it on a trial basis.
Maybe start with clams.
Who sells you your clams? We don't serve a lot of clams.
Maybe because you are swimming with the wrong clammers.
What'd you say your clam guy's name was? Why do you keep bringing up clams? Am I? Because you're the one who brought it up last.
Listen, I'm not sure what's going on here, but you should go.
Understood.
My father and I respect your decision to stay with who did you say your clam guy was? - Get out.
- Very good.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [BELL JINGLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Dare I? That corn dog smells really great.
It's the last one.
Fair enough.
So, what Abby came to say was Christian, I really am sorry that something went so wrong in your early relationships with women that you ended up being such an irredeemable douchebag.
Abby.
I've decided I don't need my iPad back.
Phones have gotten big enough.
If my relationships are so messed up, then why did I have sex at age 13? Boom.
Whoa.
Buddy, there's a lot to unpack there.
Guys, let's stop with all the name-calling and the unsettling sexual revelations and just get back to why we're here.
And, please, let's keep it civil.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [WOMAN.]
Ding-dong, we're home.
Fuck me.
- You two.
- Chris? Christa? Christian is your son? Oh, I see what you've done there.
Wow.
What are you doing in our house? Our daughter felt great remorse for hitting your son with a tray and came to apologize.
- She hit our son with a tray? - Only in the face.
- [GASPS.]
- I'm Abby.
If you guys want to sell your home, these two are the best.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay? Did she hurt you? - Mom, I'm fine.
- You didn't know? Mom, Dr.
Fineman says you shouldn't squeeze my face anymore without my permission.
- Dad! - He did say that, sweetie.
Well, sounds like we've triggered a healthy discussion, so we're gonna scoot.
- Why didn't the school call us? - Because there wasn't any proof.
But as proactive parents, we felt compelled to have our daughter come and apologize, which I think we can all agree has been done.
Well, now there is proof, isn't there? I'm not following, and we have to scoot.
You just admitted it.
Your daughter assaulted our son.
And we're going to notify Principal Novak and have her expelled.
[CHRISTA.]
Oh, this is delicious.
You two came over here and told us something we never would have known.
And now we're going to strap it on and fuck you with it.
Go, Mom! Your daughter is not going to graduate high school, which is ironic because you two are the idiots.
How would you like it if I put my foot so far up your perfect little ass, you won't find it again until you shit it out on Christmas morning? Go, Mom! Honey, remember why we're here trying to keep Abby on the right path.
Let's not touch anyone in a way Dr.
Fineman wouldn't approve of.
Sheila, what is your safe word? Because I want to know what to ignore when I'm making you my bitch.
You're just lucky that I'm here to set an example for my daughter because otherwise, I would literally turn you inside out.
Look, let's take a breath.
We're all "realators" here.
Actually, we're "realtors.
" We don't know what a "real-ator" is.
You know what, Chris? Fuck you.
How about this? We won't tell Principal Novak what Abby did and get her expelled if you give us the listing you stole from us with that dog stunt.
You are never gonna get that listing.
And we didn't steal it.
We won it.
In high school, your dad drove drunk and flipped a car.
You have until 5:00 tonight to decide.
That is our best and final offer.
Oh, that's an expression "realtors" use, so you may not be familiar with it.
Christian, did you know that your mom sold me a Quaalude once? Well, I think this has shown us why everyone here has such fucked-up kids.
Shall we scoot? I hate these people.
They're so mean.
And this house.
A mudroom in Santa Clarita? - It rains twice a year.
Fools.
- We cannot let them win this.
Grace Tinsler got expelled, and now she's homeschooled and has 200,000 YouTube followers.
And all she does is whisper ingredients from cereal boxes.
You're not getting expelled.
And you're not what'd you say she does? She whispers ingredients into a camera.
It's a non-sexual fetish thing.
It pays her parents' mortgage.
If it pays her parents' mortgage, it's a sex thing.
Maybe we should give them the listing.
No.
We can't lose that commission.
And even if we give them what they want, what's to keep them from blackmailing us again? They may want our next listing.
And then the one after that.
And then they'll own us.
That's true.
Like Dan.
Maybe even worse.
He wanted us to kill for him.
But to his credit, he never spoke so explicitly about our bodies.
Yeah, these people really belong in a bigger city.
Okay, we need to get ahead of this.
We need to get to Novak before they do.
And then Abby can apologize and show some remorse.
I'm not sorry.
Show some remorse, all right? You might get a slap on the wrist and not expelled.
It's what people do when they plead guilty to get a lesser sentence.
Murderers do it all the time.
I've been looking into it.
I don't think it's a great idea to just show up at his house.
The last time we dropped by, we trashed it and assaulted his grandmother.
He might remember that.
- You have a better idea? - Yeah.
Oh, better? [SIGHS.]
No.
Hey! What the hell are you doing? This isn't the bathroom.
[SHEILA SIGHS.]
Novak better get home soon.
We have that investor meeting in an hour.
Investor meeting.
Sounds important.
Plus, it's 140 degrees in here, so let's bail and get food.
Maybe a corn dog.
That moment's passed.
Now I want sweets.
No, we are staying here until he gets home and you can say you're sorry for what you did.
- I'm not sorry.
- We don't care.
You need to tell him that you are.
Yeah, 'cause you don't want Chris and Christa to win.
Because we are overwhelmed and we don't know if our family is going to make it! I'm sorry, but you always say you want to be included in our world.
That's our world.
It's been really hard lately, sweetie.
Every day something new is thrown at us.
Yesterday, I bit my finger off.
What? It's okay, it's getting better.
I'm like a snowman.
What? A year ago, losing a finger would've been the headline of the Christmas newsletter.
Now it wouldn't even be in the "This 'n' That" section.
And you hit someone in the face with a tray and might get expelled, so we feel like we're failing you as parents.
[SIGHS.]
What do you mean we might not make it? Your mother and I will always do everything to keep this family going.
But right now, we could really use your help.
[VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
[GASPS.]
He's home.
Principal Novak! Oh, God.
It's all three of them.
Ah! [GASPS, PANTS.]
We just want to talk to you.
Come on.
[PANTING.]
Come on, come on, come on.
What? What do you want from me? First of all, I hope you're okay.
Second, thanks for not pressing charges after I broke some things in your lovely home.
I wanted to, but my grandmother wouldn't allow it.
It's her house, so she always gets her way, right down to the flavor of sherbet that I'm allowed to enjoy.
Well, we're grateful either way.
But the reason we're here is because Abby has something to tell you.
Right, Abby? - I did hit Christian with a tray.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I knew it! I'm sorry for the trouble I caused everyone.
I didn't handle the situation in the best way.
It's just when I saw Christian posting texts from Janie and how humiliated she felt, I snapped.
I had to do something.
I had to help her.
Okay, that's nonsense because there were 200 other people in that cafeteria, and none of them did what you did.
No, they didn't.
And I accept full responsibility for my actions.
Thank you.
Coming forward was the right and correct thing to do.
- Now you are expelled.
- What? - Hold on.
- I think you missed the point.
- Our daughter - Is a hooligan, as you all are.
And now she is expelled! And if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go inside and I'm gonna have two scoops of sherbet because my grandmother is away, hopefully failing her driver's test.
[SHEILA.]
Well, wait.
- Wait! - Leave me be! Sorry, team.
I failed.
- You didn't fail, honey.
- No.
You did great.
What are you talking about? I got expelled.
There were 200 kids in that cafeteria, and you were the only one that did anything to help that poor girl.
- Maybe it wasn't the best thing.
- Yeah, don't do that again.
- But you did something.
- That's right.
Maybe we're not raising a monster.
Maybe we're raising a superhero.
Wait, you thought I was a monster? Shh.
Shit! Wow! Your finger's gone.
Where'd it go? - I don't know.
I had it in the car.
- Think it fell off in the yard? [NOVAK SCREAMS.]
Now I'm guessing Novak slammed it in the door.
- Maybe we should go.
- I want my finger.
I know, but it's gonna be so awkward.
We already said goodbye.
Yeah.
I want my finger.
I know, I know.
Damn it! Hold on.
I have an idea.
[SHEILA SCREAMING.]
My finger! You cut off my wife's finger! This is an emergency! There's no time to think! - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! - Oh, my God.
I'm in so much pain! - Quickly, to the hospital.
- I'm so sorry! Please don't sue me! We won't if you don't expel Abby.
Yes.
Otherwise, you'll be hearing from the law offices of Martin L.
Taylor.
All right.
All right.
Let's say three days of suspension.
We can live with that.
- I'll get some ice for your finger.
- That's okay.
This will work.
My sherbet.
My spoon.
Suck it, Chris and Christa! Our daughter's getting suspended.
The Hammonds, taking a step forward! - Abby, getting her iPad back! - [PHONE RINGING.]
Eric, programming his picture into my phone.
Nobody wants that.
Hey, buddy.
I messed up, Joel.
I went to Japopo's to try to find the clam distributor and I snuck into the owner's office and he saw me and got pissed.
Now I'm locked in here and I can't get out.
- Why did you go there? - Because you were busy.
I wanted to help you.
I love being helpful.
All right, I'll be right over.
Please tell me that I don't have to pretend we're partners in a father-son seafood business.
Oh, Jesus.
I have to go help Eric.
It's almost 4:00.
We have that investor meeting.
Plus, Mom's finger came off.
That seems important.
Right.
Okay.
We have a lot of knives in the air.
As wise jugglers, "We must each focus on but a single blade.
" I think Dad spent too much time in a hot car.
No, he's fine.
He just saw something on television, and now he's living his life by it.
Abby, help your mother reattach her finger.
It's not that hard.
- Gross.
Got it.
- I'll deal with the Eric situation.
And Carl's not gonna be at that meeting, right? Nope.
So I won't be stressed and start snacking on myself.
- I'll just go on my own.
- Great! The Hammonds, getting shit done! The Hammonds, making it look easy.
The Hammonds, standing for too long with a severed finger in the street.
Yeah, we should go.
Hey, Mark.
Joel! Hey, thanks for that Yelp review, buddy.
Brought in a bunch of new customers.
How's that tipping documentary coming, huh? My wife, she bought a beautiful new dress for the interview.
Oh.
[SIGHS.]
I lost the financing.
So, unless you know anyone who's got $2 million [CHUCKLES.]
Actually, I do know a guy.
Oh.
Um Anyway, I'm also part of a father-son seafood distribution company - and, apparently, my boy - Whoa.
Is that your son in my office? That's him? What the hell's going on here, hmm? There's no way you and that kid are seafood distributors.
No, we're not.
Well, at least tell me you're really making a tipping documentary my wife's gonna be in.
God damn it.
Sorry, Mark, it's complicated.
But, please, I promise I'll never lie to you again if you'll just let my only son out of your office.
Let him out? He can go whenever he wants.
He locked himself in there.
- What? - Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
Eric.
Open the door.
- What are you doing? - I'm sorry.
He yelled, I panicked.
The longer I was in here, the angrier he got.
[SIGHS.]
I'm a coward, Joel.
Behold.
The me behind the mask.
You pissed off the owner.
Now he's never gonna help me.
Sorry, humankind, can't save you.
Eric went rogue, so everyone has to eat each other.
Actually, maybe they won't.
I found this in the file cabinet.
Japopo's has a regular seafood distributor, but the day Sheila got sick, for some reason, they bought their clams from this place.
"Ruby's Clams.
" Oh, my God, this is it.
This is where the clams that turned Sheila came from.
You found it, Eric.
- Did you want me to hug you? - No, we don't have to hug.
That's right.
We're men of the sea.
Sometimes we just walk quietly side by side.
That's all right, too.
- Hmm? - Hmm? [WHISPERS.]
Okay.
Carl! I thought you weren't coming.
I changed my mind.
I wanted to make sure you didn't fuck it up.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, well, I'll be in in a minute.
I just need to put some lipstick on.
You look fine.
Yeah, okay.
Oh.
Carl, you parked a little close.
Would you mind? Hurry up! And don't talk too much.
You sound like a know-it-all.
[SIGHS.]
No.
Where's that stress ball? Okay.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.
[EXHALES.]
- [JOEL.]
Honey! - [GASPS.]
- What's going on? - I'm going to that investor meeting.
It's 4:00 a.
m.
That was 12 hours ago! I've been looking everywhere for you! Where have you been? I don't know.
The last thing I remember is I was parking and then Carl pulled up, and then I had to grab my stress ball and started squeezing it - [GASPS.]
- [GASPS.]
Oh, shit! Carl?