Scrubs s02e07 Episode Script

As a doctor, you learn to use anything you can to keep a patient from getting hurt again.
So, Mike, before we get you out of here, I think it's important we go over this one more time.
Even their own home video.
See, right about here is where you get hurt.
See, here you're not hurt.
And then.
.
Oh, good God! Hurt again.
Not hurt hurt.
Baritone.
Soprano.
Married with two kids.
- Dying old - Look, I get it, OK? OK.
OK, Mike.
That's all that matters.
Victor.
Victoria.
I mean, the kid thinks he's Evil Knievel.
Gosh, I'd love to attend your safety camp this summer, I would, but my parents are making me go to Maine with them.
Make sure you take a lot of pictures.
When you get back, we can sit down and make our "friends forever" collage.
Come on, now.
The kid's 1 6 years old.
He's a little busted up.
It's not a big deal.
I mean, hell, when you were a kid, you must have cut your hand on your dollhouse.
Oh, please.
I lived for danger.
Who's ready for some Frisbee? Get my mom! Get my mom! I had four different helmets.
I don't have time right now to be the 1 00-watt bulb for your annoying little moth, so if you could fly away, that'd be great, just fly I usually don't walk away from Dr Cox, but today the pharmaceutical reps show up to peddle their new drugs, and at Sacred Heart that means one thing.
Julie's here.
Damn.
Damn.
Damn.
- What? She's hot.
- No, that's hot.
Baby, you know that fantasy I have of you, me, and a player to be named later? Yeah, I'm fine.
If it was someone like her, I'd go for it.
You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.
- I can't believe you said that.
- What? It's not like he's gonna do anything about it.
I was wondering if there was any way that we could possibly - Oh, hi.
- Hey, baby.
Yeah, you can't ever give a guy that window.
Even though she was way out of my league, I decided to show some guts and lay down the smoothest rap I knew.
Hi, handsome.
I'm Julie.
Were you named after a precious jewelie? You are cute.
Would you like a pen? No.
I'd love one.
Well, go ahead, take it.
Steady.
Easy now.
You're almost there.
That's a bad Newbie.
My God, you'd be more subtle if you stood naked in the hallway eating a ten-inch kielbasa.
That hurts, Perry.
- Let's go.
- But I gotta say, I don't mind watching you two boys walk away.
Oh yeah! Work it.
She means our tushies.
We go back, but walk backwards.
There is no one I hate more than that Medusa.
Even knowing she's here makes me want to tear someone's head off.
Is this a good time? I have a teeny-weeny question about Mrs Kahn's necrotizing fasciitis.
- For you, Barbie, anything.
- Super.
First, an interesting side note.
I had my physical last week, and while my cholesterol was low, my blood pressure was through the roof.
Needless to say, my physician was stumped.
But now, thank God, you've helped to solve that riddle, because the instant I heard your shrill voice whining about a "teeny-weeny problem.
" it took every ounce of self-restraint I had to keep blood from shooting out my ears.
In the time it took you to say that, you could have just helped me.
Well, yes, it does, but here, that's what makes it delicious.
What? I am not gonna say a word.
- You just did.
- Except that, and that.
And that and that and that.
It just keeps on going.
Hey, cutie.
What's your name? I'm Carla, your girlfriend, and as much as I usually love it, I really don't have time to pretend we never met, OK? Carla's a pretty name.
You know I'd play, sweetie, but because I'm just a nurse, I have to go get Dr Wilder's permission to give his patient some food even though I know it's fine.
Speaking of things that are perfectly fine That was a compliment.
Why won't any women talk to me? You're slimy and turn everything into a double entendre.
Not true.
Go ahead.
I'd like to double her entendre.
Please? He's leaving.
This is officially the greatest day ever.
T aking off? - Yeah.
If that's OK.
- That's fine.
I just wanted to sneak out for an hour and see my kid's fourth-grade play, but you caught me.
- No.
No catchies.
- No, I think you're right.
Before I do anything, I'll run it by you first.
Permission to go see my kid's attempt to overcome his crippling shyness by appearing in his class's production - of Town without a Turkey? - I gotta get back to work.
Back to work.
Message received.
What just happened? I can't figure out what to do about Mrs Kahn.
I don't know if I should send her to surgery.
Well, don't send her to surgery.
I'll tell you what you do, you wait and see.
I know I'm right because I'm a wait-and-see kind of guy.
You know, Elliot, in modern medicine, we're often faced with tough decisions.
- You are amazing.
- Well "Amazing" is sort of a strong word.
I just show up and let the Lord work through me.
You think you're a better doctor than me, don't you? Well, I do have better bedside manner.
I anticipate problems way ahead of time.
Oh, and my hair never gets in my face.
So, yes, yes, I do.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
Every time you stare off into space like this you're thinking of something you're too afraid to say.
Please, I never do this.
Maybe she's upset because she knows I'm right.
Oh, my God.
Dr Cox, I hate to bring it up again, but it seems important.
Julie likes our tushies.
Newbie, any doctor with a shred of self-respect wouldn't give that woman the time of day.
- Oh, Julie.
- Well, well.
If it isn't the Captain & Tenille of the underworld.
- Hi, boys.
- Hi, Julie.
Perry, do you know the name of the new anti-arrhythmic drug that Julie is selling? - That's a tough one.
- It's Plomox.
Nice work, Nancy Drew.
Now see if you can solve the one about the missing lD badge.
Plomox is the most effective anti-arrhythmic drug on the market, and it has minimal side effects, only nausea, impotence, and anal leakage.
I'm getting two out of three from the conversation.
You kids can talk more over the pharmaceutical dinner that you're helping her put together.
- Don't do this to me, Bob.
- Do it to him, Bob.
Perry, we're going to need a big staff turnout, so don't take "no" for an answer.
- You going there, chief? - No.
If I wanted to make small talk over low-grade beef, I'd have dinner at home.
I'm just increasing your Lidocaine drip just a little bit, OK, Mr Brooks? - Hey, Carla, you got a second? - No, actually, I'm swamped.
I got a present for you.
Why would you get me a present? Why does it need to be a birthday or anniversary for me to get my baby a little something-something? Plus you figured you'd get yourself a little at-work something-something.
I'll get the door.
Wow.
A bus pass.
- Help me get off my bra.
- That's not all.
You'll use that bus pass for an all-expense paid trip to nurse practitioners' school, where you'll learn how to be more than just a nurse.
- "Just a nurse?" - Did I say "just a nurse?" I meant a nurse.
You were complaining about having to ask for permission to feed a patient.
You'll have more responsibility, make more money, - so I thought - You thought the only reason I've done my job for the last eight years is because nobody came along to hand me a brochure? And a bus pass.
You're unbelievable.
Damn.
Dude, I am just as disappointed as you are.
JD, even though I decided to send Mrs Kahn to surgery, I know you were trying to help me in your own way.
I overreacted.
That's something I'm working on in therapy to not do as much.
I still think you should have gone with - my wait-and-see approach.
- You're not the boss of me! I'm not the boss of anyone.
Permission to use the can, boss? Enough already.
I'm not doing this.
Fine.
Permission granted.
So, Mr Brooks is doing peachy, huh? - Peachy keen.
- Great.
A patient's improvement is always cause for celebration here at Sacred Heart, and yet, for some reason, I'm not wearing a party hat, sitting bare-ass on the hospital's copier machine.
You know why? It's not because I have the name "Johnny" tattooed on my butt.
He's an old sailor buddy and if you went through what we did, you'd understand.
It's because somebody went ahead and increased Mr Brooks's Lidocaine drip, and by law that could only be a doctor.
Are you a doctor, Nurse Espinoza? Well? - No, sir.
- You're damn right you're not.
So how's the guest list for tonight's steak dinner shaping up? Well, now, I don't have any definitive confirmations yet, but admittedly that could be because I haven't asked anyone.
Why does it have to be like this every time I come here? I mean, what is your problem with me? OK, well, for starters, everyone here knows that you sell pills, and yet you use phrases like "take orally" and "increases blood flow" way, way too much.
I mean, jeepers, Julie, you have half the doctors on this staff believing that if they join Team Plomox that they get an outside shot of you showing them the cotton inside your bottle.
Would you like to know the real dirty, dirty little secret? It's that your drug is so good that you guys went ahead and put about a 600% mark-up on it.
But the only ones who get hurt are the sick people, right? Since your company doesn't care about them and you're part of the system, that means you don't care either.
That's what's making me sick.
That's all.
Well, you can say what you want, Perry, but we both know that you'd love nothing more than to smack this fine ass.
Perry.
Harder, Perry.
Don't stop, Perry.
Oh, Perry, that feels good.
So you promise me you're gonna be more careful? Dude, the only way to feel alive is to push the limits - once in a while, you know? - Well, keep it real.
God.
See ya, geek.
Buy a cup! What's wrong? Mrs Kahn died on the operating table.
A lot of things can take you by surprise.
Sometimes it's just realizing that you're not as happy as you thought.
Sometimes it's a hot chick smacking her tushie.
And sometimes it's when you take a chance and lose.
This just sucks, you know? This is a crucial moment.
Pick your words carefully.
I guess I was right after all.
Stupid.
I had to talk to Elliot before the morbidity and mortality conference, Nothing puts you in a worse mood than having to explain why your patient died.
I just need to talk to her when there 's no possible way that she can interrupt me.
Peanut-butter cracker! Go! Go! Go! What I said earlier came out completely the wrong way and I just want you to know that I act Bite me.
Oh, she's a crafty lass.
Baby, I know you had a rough day, and I was part of it.
I thought I'd make it up to you by taking you out to a nice dinner.
Which waitress do you think will do me? I'd say you got a shot with the busboy over there.
You realize this doesn't count, right? Yeah, but, baby Free steak.
You just flat out get women, don't you? - This is kind of romantic, right? - Check it out.
It's a meat cookie.
Oh, God! Hello, boys and girl.
So, how's the food? Free.
And how are you, Dr Cox? I'm just here to enjoy my meal, so unless those things dispense A1 Sauce, I'd keep moving.
That is so, so funny.
You know what else is funny? How you claim you want nothing to do with me, yet every time I turn around, there you are.
I wonder why that is? Oh, that feels good.
Finally, we have Dr Reid's necrotizing fasciitis case.
Deceased.
Now, don't be frightened, sweetheart.
No one's on trial here.
At least not until the family sues your little behind.
Sweetie, I'm not joking.
But should that happen, you may rest assured that the hospital will stand behind you 1 00 per cent.
- Thank you very much, sir.
- Now, see, there I was joking.
Try to keep up.
Oh, God, this is painful.
It's like watching a shark circle a baby harp seal.
Dr Reid faced a very difficult decision and she chose an extremely risky course.
He's like a royal python torturing a hopper mouse.
Man, I love Animal Planet.
I believe we all have a lesson to learn from Dr Reid's case.
And here comes the crushing blow.
I saykudos to Dr Reid.
What-os to who? Without surgery, her patient didn't have a Popsicle's chance in hell.
By making the tough choice, she at least gave Mrs Kahn an honest shot.
Now, for all of you wait-and-see doctors out there if you do not get to the point where you have the courage to take risks, you will never be a great doctor.
- Never? - Never ever.
Turk, don't eat off my plate.
You're right, baby.
I'm sorry.
That's rude.
So you're having steak with a side of steak? That's right, turf and turf.
You know what? I'm on my second glass of good wine, I'm watching my boyfriend try to eat his body weight in meat, and I am extremely tickled that the only thing Dr Cox wants isn't on the menu.
- What? - What can I say? I'm finally having a good time.
- That'll pass.
- I still think it's lame that you didn't like Turk's nurse-practitioner present.
- Dude.
- Told you.
Hey, Elliot, I'm sorry that I was such a jerk before, but, hey, I got mine, right? Anyway, thanks for being classier than I am and not rubbing it in my face.
No problem.
Hey, you never told me that - you're part Native American.
- What are you talking about? Aren't you a member of the Waitensee tribe? Come on! I laughed so hard when I thought of that that I peed a little.
I changed right after.
Why wouldn't you want a better job? Hold up.
My baby's happy with being just a nurse.
Did I say "just a nurse"? Nobody at this table said "just.
" I meant "a nurse.
" Right, baby? That's right.
Why? Oh, just not smart.
Even for you.
Excuse me for not having all your male ambition.
I can't believe anyone would look down on me because I'm good at what I do and because I love doing it.
- I'm sick to my stomach.
- Me too, Turk.
Me too.
No, baby, I'm serious.
I think I'm in trouble here.
Baby? Permission to speak, sir? You know what? No.
No, you may not speak.
Not now and not ever, OK? You have overplayed your hand and you may never talk to me again.
Those are the rules of the game.
Then I quit.
No, no, no quitsies.
Checkmate, gin, and Yahtzee, my friend.
You know, my son used to love to play Yahtzee with me, until you made me skip his play.
Now he won't eat.
We've started a new game now, haven't we? Yeah, it's called "You don't eat until Timmy does.
" My mechanic has that poster in his garage.
Does he have this one? Actually, it's a family business.
So, here we are.
Two people, street lamp, full moon.
Guy pissing on the dumpster.
Oh, did I break the mood? Fine, you want me to drop the flirty crap? I'm interested in you.
I think we're a lot alike, I think we have chemistry, and I think you're scared, so you use what I do as an excuse not to give us a try.
I'm sorry.
I gotta go.
You OK? Look at that.
I bounced back.
Baby, my stomach's gonna explode.
It's only heartburn, sweetie.
You'll be fine.
- How's meathead? - I know I'm not a doctor, but if you order a strong anti-emetic, that'd be great.
You would ace that nurse practitioners program.
Really? You think so? What if the classes are too hard? What if the teachers are mean, if the other kids don't like me? - OK.
- I would ace that program.
But I barely get to see my boyfriend as it is.
And if I went to class five nights a week, well I guess I'm taking my chances on Turk right now.
- Him? - Somebody make it stop.
I just don't want to look back and wonder what could have been.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
How's it going? You have more jokes, don't you? I jotted a couple of things down.
You see that nurse over there? I love her.
Every night at 1 0.
30 for the last year, I've watched her come in here and get a cup of coffee and not once have I had the courage to even ask her her name.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, she has a snaggletooth.
The point is, Kelso's right, you know.
It's not even just professionally.
In my personal life, I don't take any chances either.
I want to.
I just I can never seem to take that first step.
- Come here.
- What? - Come on.
- I don't want to go anywhere.
I wanna spend time with Snaggletooth.
I guess it all comes down to what we're willing to risk.
For some of us, it's our feelings.
Wanna talk? No.
For others, it's our future.
Baby.
If I had to do it again, I would.
- Cos I love the steak.
- I know, popi.
I know.
For me, it was taking a risk, period.
Even if that meant starting with my very first step.
- You're gonna love this.
- I don't wanna do it.
What's the worst that could happen? - We could die! - OK, the second worse? Can't we just go and talk to Snaggletooth? No.
Here we go.
One, two, three!