Sledge Hammer! s02e07 Episode Script

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Tell your husband not to bring his ex-girlfriend to family functions.
Remember, communication is the key.
I am Dr Dorothy Stone and you're listening to It's A GaI's World, a show for women only about men.
And now let's take another call.
Hello.
You're on the phone with Dr Stone.
'Hello, Dorothy.
It's me again.
' Oh, my God.
You! 'You meddling witch! I'm back, and this is just the beginning of your nightmare!' Oh, no, no, no, no, no! You must do something to stop this madman.
As I've said before, Dr Stone My hands are tied.
It's only been threats.
As a professionaI, I know that this type of personality will act on them.
- You wanted to see us, sir? - No, but you might as well stay.
Inspector Sledge Hammer, Detective Doreau, this is Dr Stone, a psychologist.
Good for you, Captain, you've finally sought professionaI help.
No, Dr Stone has a radio talk show.
- It's very good.
I've listened to it.
- TypicaI.
You would.
Some man, some lowlife, has made threatening phone calls to her on air.
The only ones really dangerous with a phone are women.
You don't understand.
This maniac hounded me in New York.
- Now he's followed me here.
- So he's a fan.
- He's threatened to kill me.
- But he's not a fan of yours.
I had a pervert call me once.
- How did you get him to stop? - I stopped dating him.
This man is a nuisance, but as a doctor, you know these people usually aren't violent.
Normally that's true, but this man's voice has all the characteristics of a sociopath.
He's relentless, aggressive and violent.
Hey, I never called that show.
This is like New York.
The police there were powerless.
They tried a wiretap, but he never stays on long enough to be traced.
This ain't New York, it's my city.
The only person who harasses people here is me.
Will this man put me in more danger? Probably.
Hammer, I want you to handle this by the book, do you understand? You and Doreau play the tapes of known crank callers who have relocated here.
Sorry, Dr Stone, it's the best I can do.
TypicaI.
I didn't expect you police would be able to find this man.
Now all we have to do is find the door.
Get your hands off Fire! Dang it, if we could only pinpoint the generaI location he's calling from, we could use an air strike, then he'd never use the phone again.
Neither would half the city.
Here are the voices of the relocated frequent offenders.
Three of them.
- Only three? - It's not very popular any more.
Latest craze is obscene telegrams.
See if any of these voices sound familiar.
'What are you wearing right now?' 'OK, baby, I've got my shoe off.
'Would you believe I'm naked?' - 'Ralph's Smoke Shop.
' - 'Do you have Prince Albert in a can?' - 'Yes, we do.
' - 'Then let him out!' No matter how many times I hear that, it makes me laugh.
I'm sorry, it's obvious that your caller hasn't been apprehended.
I don't believe you people.
You're powerless, no one can help me.
May I suggest, since you live alone, to take some self-defence classes? - Possibly a guard dog.
- She doesn't need a dog or classes! - Get yourself one of these puppies! - Get down! You never have to feed it and it doesn't scratch the door when it wants to go out.
- You really personify your gun.
- Thank you.
Be carefuI.
The next thing you know, you'll be talking to it.
Yeah, well What did that shrink mean that I personify my gun? Well, you treat your gun like a living, breathing thing.
That's not personification, Doreau, it's love.
Ginger ale for the lady, black coffee for you.
What is with this sissy umbrella? Sorry, Inspector, we ran out of the little American flags you like.
We had an Ollie North happy hour.
'Good afternoon.
'This is Dr Dorothy Stone welcoming you to It's A GaI's World.
' Don't touch that diaI.
Leave that woman's show on.
Not for me.
I don't care.
She wants to listen to it.
She's got some problems she wants to solve.
I don't care about this bunk.
'Hello.
You're not alone.
You're on the phone with Dr Stone.
' What machismo.
Some crackpot's trying to kill her and all she cares about is helping people.
She must have been a Miss America contestant.
You really want to protect her.
I'm for anybody who can help you broads get over your problems.
That way you can concentrate on what's really important - serving men.
'Let's take the call on line two.
' - 'What's up, Doc?' - 'Stop this! Please stop these calls!' 'So you tried to fink on me again, huh, Dorothy? Going to the police? 'You need some discipline.
I hate tattletales.
' 'Stop calling me! Leave me alone!' 'Do you really think the cops can help you? Those pigs can't do a thing.
'They're namby-pamby milk-suckers! 'No one out there can help you! Ciao for now!' I'm tired of that cretin polluting the airwaves! Sledge! - Do me a favour, don't shoot the radio.
- You're right.
Happy, Doreau? I can't think of anyone who'd want to harm Dorothy.
She's only been here for two weeks.
Yes, we know that.
He's threatened her on the air and, as her producer, I am confused.
- Why? - Our ratings haven't gone up.
Move immediately.
No one could possibly have a healthy relationship in Lexington, Kentucky.
Inspector, that gun is making me extremely nervous.
It's supposed to.
It's not a room deodoriser, you know.
Relax.
You know what they say, guns don't kill people.
Yes, I've heard.
People do.
No, bullets do.
You think you're feeling nervous? Just wait till Golden Throat calls.
After talking to me, he'll be so nervous, he'll be afraid to call the time.
Go ahead, jump on another line.
We're back.
Let's take the caller on line three.
'Guess who! It's the only reaI man in your life.
'Did you miss me, pumpkin?' I'll take this call.
All right, you radio rodent 'I'm calling to bring some sunshine into your life.
The cops haven't helped at all.
' This cop will.
I'm Inspector Sledge Hammer.
'You're looking for a reaI man, aren't you, Doc? Well, I'm your boy.
' If you were a man, you'd come out from behind that sissy little Princess phone! - ReaI men harass women face to face.
- 'I'll never stop, tramp!' If you don't stop, this'll be the last sound you hear.
Sledge! No! We'll be right back after this word from our sponsor.
- I don't know about this.
- Rest easy.
This mouth-breather won't bother the doctor any more.
I scared him away for good.
The doctor's in no danger.
Hammer, this newspaper article - "Cop Vows To Collar Caller" - I hate it.
- I do too.
Alliteration is so pedestrian.
- I'm not talking about that, Hammer.
I'm talking about your grandstanding over the airwaves.
You disobeyed orders.
But I sent that punk running with his taiI between his legs.
On the contrary, you probably succeeded in pushing that loony-bird over the edge.
Now there's a good chance he'll do a lot more than just call.
No.
No way, Jose.
I know this bozo.
He's a wimp, he's a prankster.
We got nothing to worry about.
This slimeball hasn't the guts to leave his house to do something bigger.
A report just came in.
Dr Stone's been attacked in her apartment.
Unless he was pushed.
Then there's no telling what he'd do.
Must have been pushed somehow.
Detective Doreau, why don't you come over here? Majoy, are you dusting for prints? - No, just eating a powdered doughnut.
- Uh-huh.
The doc said the guy jumped out at her, but she didn't get a good look at him.
Uh-huh.
She probably couldn't see through all the smoke.
- I've seen less in a hickory pit barbecue.
- Uh-huh.
She could have her own brand of sausage.
- Majoy, find anything out? - Uh-huh.
She doesn't see anything wrong with me and Mrs Majoy taking separate vacations.
Uh-huh.
All right, Dr Stone, feeI free to call me.
That'll be all, Charlie.
Dr Stone.
- Thank God you're here! - Who? - You, Inspector.
- Oh.
I so rarely hear that.
Dr Stone, you told one of our officers you saw the man who attacked you.
Yes, I I sort of saw him.
I I heard that hideous laugh .
.
I turned and the next thing I knew I came to and called the police.
Uh-huh.
Well, I don't get it.
A guy threatens to kill you, but then all he does is laugh at you.
- If he'd been serious, you'd be a stiff.
- Sledge! She'd be stiffening up.
Takes longer.
She'd be a corpse.
Would you come to the station house, give our sketch artist a description? Your body would be there - all outlined in white chalk, including the cigarette.
- I wouldn't mind at all.
- Yep, we'd have to call your next of kin.
"Hello.
She's dead.
" That's what we'd have to say cos you'd be dead.
There'd be blood probably, depending on how he killed you.
Pieces of flesh And, er he wore thick glasses.
I'm sorry, that's all I can remember.
Is this him? It's probably him.
- That's him.
- I thought so.
I'll never forget that hat.
I'm sorry, I can't possibly do my show today.
Is there a phone where I could call my producer? Yes, of course, right this way.
Doreau, I wanna hit the streets.
Up untiI now, all I've been dealing with is a disembodied voice.
I had nothing to shoot at, nothing to hit, nothing to kill.
Now I got a face and I'm gonna pick up every wacko that looks like that.
Sledge, hundreds of guys look like that.
Yeah? Then they're all guilty of unoriginality.
Inspector Hammer, you've got a 518 on 3.
- What's a 518? - A phone call.
Hammer.
Talk to me.
'Hey, stud, I thought you were protecting the doctor.
'I guess the only thing you shoot off is your mouth.
' Yeah? What about you, weirdo? 'Last night was a preliminary.
Tonight is the elimination ' - "Raise the wall"? - 'All you cops are alike.
'You think cos you passed the stinking civiI service test, you're tough.
' - Hey, there were essay questions, paI.
- "Mace them all"? Who? 'So, gun freak, how does it feeI to be helpless?' - How does it feeI to be scum? - 'Remember! Tonight! ' Trace this call.
Way to go, Doreau.
Thanks a lot.
- Well, your writing is terrible.
- Well, it was, like, shorthand.
I can't - You'll never guess who just called.
- Not again? Not here? I didn't even have to give her a hint.
- What did he say? - The usuaI.
He's gonna kill you tonight.
- Sledge.
- That's what he told me.
- Oh, my God! - Take it easy.
- I won't let anything happen to you.
- But he said tonight.
It's obvious the guy'll come back.
This clown is dying to get caught and I'm the clown who's dying to catch him.
I'll spend the night in your apartment.
You'll stay with Doreau at her place.
I got a better idea.
Why don't we stay at your apartment? Sending her to Alaska is a better idea.
But your apartment's perfect - with all those booby traps.
- Nope.
N-O-P-E.
Never.
- I'd feeI much safer at your apartment.
- Doctor, freeze! - What? Be carefuI what you touch.
Sledge has everything booby-trapped.
Anything could cause an explosion in here.
Huh.
Well, one's environment is a direct reflection of one's personality.
By the looks of this place, the Inspector is a textbook case.
Yeah.
Well, as Sledge always says, "a man's home is his ammo dump.
" Excuse me.
The Inspector's a very manly man.
Yes, he's a unique individuaI.
- You seem to have a good relationship.
- On the surface.
Sledge is a stubborn, narrow-minded, opinionated, sexist reactionary.
Does he know you feeI this way? That's the way he feels about himself.
I think he's an OK guy.
So, doctor, who's the man in your life? No one.
I'm still recovering from a failed marriage.
- How long's it been? - 15 years.
Some people heaI more slowly than others.
Do you think you've developed a fear of men? I thought I was the doctor here.
Oh.
I forgot to tell you, Sledge doesn't approve of smoking.
No tofu, no bean curd.
These single women don't eat right.
Yahhhhhhhh! Help, help! So I'm a gun freak, huh? Well, this gun freak has you under arrest.
What are you talking about? I'm the landlord.
- I came to see who was banging around.
- OK, OK, fine.
I didn't know that.
I'm sorry.
Well, as long as you're here, I noticed a leaky faucet in the kitchen.
Dorothy? Dorothy? I thought I heard the door.
I guess you can't hear anything.
Guess who, dreamboat! Dorothy, get out! It's him! Doreau! Oh, my God, Doreau! Doreau! Hey, let me have another one.
In all my years on the force, I've never been so frustrated.
I know I can catch that slug, I know it.
Hey, Inspector, that woman is on the line again.
'That manly man Hammer couldn't help you!' 'Why don't you just stop?' 'I'll stop.
I'll stop by.
- 'I'll be here in person.
' - 'Why won't you just leave me alone?' 'I'll tell a couple of amusing anecdotes, then kill you.
' Better get down there.
I'm not coming.
I think I just heard a familiar voice.
You're hearing voices? That concussion really put you in bad shape.
'Look, whoever you are, you win.
I'm leaving town.
- 'What more do you want?' - 'I won't live till I see you dead.
' 'What? Oh, my God, he's here!' 'Help me! Oh, my God!' Come on, Stone, you can do it! Fight back! Scratch him.
You're a woman.
Nag him.
Use sarcasm.
That'll kill him.
Inspector Hammer.
Anybody been by here recently? Well, my son came by the other day.
First time in a long time.
We were never that close No, you old coot, in the last couple of minutes.
- Oh, no.
- All right, come along with me.
Oh, yeah.
- Miss Newman? - Ohh! - Miss Newman, are you OK? - Uh-huh.
- Where is Dr Stone? - Ohhh.
- Thanks.
- Oww! - Take care of her.
- Yeah.
Dang rock and roll.
Help.
Inspector Hammer, is that you? He's going to kill me! - Shut up.
The cops can't help you.
- He obviously hasn't met us.
- Who are you talking to? - Oh, nobody, just - Dr Stone? You OK? - Yes, but be carefuI.
Here I am, big boy, come and get me.
Boy, I'd like to pound your face if I could see you.
Well, here I am.
Inspector, look out! I'll tell you a couple of amusing anecdotes, then kill you! I've been waiting a long time to do this, mutant.
Oh, yeah, what's that? This! OK, Doc, you can come out now.
- Inspector Hammer! - Have you seen Dr Stone? Yes, she's right here.
Of course! An accredited psychologist masquerading as a man, phoning herself and then sending the police on a wild-goose chase.
- I should've known.
- You've had a case like this before? No, I saw it on an episode of Barnaby Jones.
Hammer, you disobeyed my order for the fourth time.
Yeah, but once again, I came through.
I still can't figure out what could have snapped in Dr Stone's mind to make her act like that.
- You probably know, don't you, Doreau? - Actually, I do.
It would seem that Stone's fear of men caused her to create a male persona.
Ultimately, she was the object of her own paranoia.
Classic case of schizophrenia.
- She actually wanted to be a man? - That's right.
That's my kinda woman.
How was she able to do that deep, husky man's voice? Obviously it was a result of her schizophrenia.
No, Captain, you're wrong.
It was her chain-smoking.
I knew that.
Knew that.