Son of a Critch (2022) s02e07 Episode Script

The old man slept like a baby.
A teething baby.
Locked.
Unlocked.
Locked. Unlocked.
Dad couldn't sleep
until he double-checked,
triple-checked, and
quadruple-checked the locks.
Off.
Off.
And checked and blessed every burner.
the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
Will you quit packin'
around and come to bed?
Shut up! I'm trying to sleep!
Shut up yourself, you old coot!
Everything in the house
had to be unplugged.
Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost. Off!
Dad worked on American
bases during the war,
and the army safety films had
burned themselves into his brain.
Plug in that Christmas tree, and whammo!
This GI's Christmas
has gone up in smoke!
For crying out loud!
Sorry, sorry!
Better make sure that door's locked.
Oh, for frig's sake!
Locked Unlocked
Locked Unlocked
Locked Unlocked
Mike, honey, get your arse in gear.
The cab'll be here soon!
Normally there was no privacy at all
in our little house, but this
night was a perfect storm.
My brother was working the night shift
at the radio station,
Pop would be asleep by 7,
and my folks were celebrating
their 20th anniversary
by going somewhere they'd never been
Out!
I don't know, Mary. Freezing rain.
It's gettin' pretty greasy out.
Well, that's why we're taking a cab!
That and I plan on
having two fuzzy navels.
Oh, a night out!
I don't care if it's spitting lava.
I'm having fun!
Mark!
You and Ritchie enjoy your
movie and behave yourselves.
Sure, Mom.
Can't wait.
We pooled our money to rent a VCR!
With no one watching us, we
could watch what we wanted.
Porky's.
The Citizen Kane of teen sex comedies.
Ritchie "borrowed" his dad's copy.
Uh, I don't know, Ritchie.
It's rated R.
That means we need parental guidance.
This thing is supposed to be filthy!
You want to see boobies
with your parents at home?
I was getting cold feet,
but Ritchie was boiling over.
Gross! No!
This is supposed to be the
biggest film in Canadian history.
I'm strictly interested
in the comedic elements.
It's research.
Sure. Okay.
You close your eyes when
there's boobies, then.
Let's not get carried away.
Hell of a bad night.
Hey, look at the wires on that thing!
My God, you're gonna blow a fuse!
A storm warning tonight
across the province,
as extreme weather is
expected to continue.
Power lines are already
This could be the worst
ice storm we've ever seen.
Pssht, I've seen worse
storms in a snow globe!
High winds, black ice,
freezing rain, and poor visibility.
The RNC are encouraging
drivers to stay where you're to.
Mary
I think we should stay home out of it.
This is a death trap.
I'm not staying home
on our 20th anniversary!
People on death row
gets out more than I do!
Uh, she has a point, Dad.
It's Ponderosa!
Twenty years of marriage is a long time,
but I hear the salad bar is endless!
What's a little freezin' rain?
The boy's right, you
know? This is nothing.
I mean, when I was his age, we
didn't even have electricity.
I had to use an outhouse!
Oh no, once it was so cold,
I went out to have a pee and it froze.
I had to break it off midstream!
Kiwanis Club bingo night is cancelled.
The Bonavista Sunday
Stitch & Bitch is cancelled.
It's bad out there, folks!
Since when do you listen to Dick Dunphy?
I think it's clearing up.
Mary
I just saw the light and
power boys go up the road.
They'll have the lights back
on by the time we gets there.
- Mary
- I know.
I'm never gonna see the inside
of that packin' Ponderosa.
And I'd never see the
outside of Kim Cattrall.
They couldn't stay!
Did you give up on 20 years of marriage
when things got tough?
Queen-size-cut prime rib dinner
with all-you-can-eat
salad bar and baked potato,
all for $5.39?
The only ice you
should be worrying about
is the ice in your Dr. Peppers!
Yeah!
The Avalon mall is closed.
Jade Gardens is closed.
And the Ponderosa has closed.
The magic wok has closed
Aw, frig.
I'm just really sorry for you.
Good God!
Dead air!
I gotta get up to the station, Mary.
They're gonna need all
hands on deck for this one.
Happy friggin' anniversary.
In Newfoundland, we
put salt on everything.
Fish, potatoes
Augh!
And the steps.
Mary! You didn't salt!
Mike!
Ah, I packed my back!
Abort mission! Unplug the VCR!
Um, is it the red
wire or the white wire?
No time! Just pull them all!
Just all of them!
Okay.
Aah, my back!
Oh God, my back!
- Watch out.
- Augh!
Are you okay, Dad?
All right, nice and easy.
Easy, easy.
Augh, God!
Augh!
Even your back goes out more than I do.
Look, if you're not going
to the Ponderosa, then
What are we gonna do for supper?
Oh, jeez.
Hello? It's young Mike.
The station! Give it, give it, give it!
Come on, will ya?
Hello?
The weight of the ice
toppled the power line, Mike.
She's gone.
Yeah, so's my back. I can't come up.
So, what do we do?
All right, listen carefully, Dick!
You gotta go out to the
generator, all right?
There's a big yellow box.
Pull the lever inside and
the generator will kick in.
- Right on, Mike.
- Thanks, Dad.
I can get the generator
going, but she's old.
I'll have to stay up there
and keep an eye on her.
You'll have to go on the air by yourself
till the road's clear enough
to get someone else in.
But that could be all night!
You got the gift of the
gab from your old man
And your mudder.
After 20 friggin' years you'd
think I'd get one night off
for good behaviour.
I guess we could watch the
movie that the boys got.
No!
Oh.
Aw, Porky's.
The little pig with the stutter, sin.
I could use a laugh.
How do you turn it on?
Uh, actually it won't work.
'Cause of the storm, you know?
Yeah.
Oh, the doohickeys are out.
There.
Hm! See?
When did you start work at Radio Shack?
The FBI? Is this even legal?
I never needed therapy
because I already know where
all my problems come from:
Watching Porky's with my parents!
Oh
What did I miss?
A black out
Right before I would have blacked out!
The damned thing blew a fuse!
I'll get it.
Dah aaaugh! My back!
I prayed the lights never came back.
Come on, open! Open up!
Hello?
Oh It's Alice.
She says the power's
out all over the city.
That damn thing blew the
power for the whole city?
No! It's because of the ice storm,
you stunned arse!
The tape's stuck inside!
We need to get it out before
the lights come back on!
We can't without power!
No!
You'll ruin my dad's tape!
My dad will ruin us
if he sees a b-o-o-b!
Okay, I have an idea.
Get me a butter knife.
Okay.
Okay, go.
It's gonna get cold, so
you better bundle up, hm?
Okay.
Come on, boys.
This is nothing!
You know, before he
led Peary to the Pole,
Captain Bob Bartlett and I
used to take the dog sleds
way up north just to relax!
Yeah.
Of course when it got
really, really cold,
the dogs died.
Imagine being so desperate for survival
that you eat your best friend.
First you lose your fingers
Then you lose your toes
Then finally your mind.
Ooh
Pineapple crush?
Hm?
Uh, hello!
This is Mike Critch.
Not my dad, Mike Critch.
He's not with us.
The other Mike Critch, his son.
Me.
Um
Do you have power where you are?
Call in and let me know.
Come on
It's so dark!
I'm froze to death! I can't
VOCM's back on!
It'll all be over soon, ma'am.
I bet you've survived worse than this.
Where the hell is Dick?
It's a major news story,
he's got a child on the air!
I was a little girl then
- Aw!
- But I remembers!
You know what they say
about the weather in Newfoundland?
If you don't like the
weather, just wait a minute!
Oh, Mike, our son's on the radio!
Good God, he should be
interviewing the mayor,
not some old bat!
I gotta get over there.
Ah, geez.
My pop says, tea is the
remedy to anything, huh?
I'm scared I'm gonna fall,
and I'm all alone.
Where you at, ma'am?
31 Gower Street.
Okay, if anyone's listening
around Gower Street,
and you've got spare
blankets or a kerosene heater
and you can get there, we
could really use your help.
Oh, bless your heart!
So sorry to hear your
father is no longer with us.
Oh! No, no, no, he's just
Mike Critch Junior
He's up there making an arse of it.
- I gotta get up there.
- Absolutely not!
The phone lines are full right now
Mary!
You boys are freezing.
Where are your blankets?
Where is that kerosene heater?
What are you doing?
Uh, nothing!
Just playing with knives!
Ritchie wasn't the
sharpest knife in the VCR.
Uh
It's so rare to have
the family all together,
with no TV to distract us.
This is quality time.
You know, we should be
swapping stories, trading tales,
getting to know each other better!
Well, sure, I know you,
but do I know-know you?
Well, for instance, Dad,
what's your favourite colour?
I dunno.
Plaid.
Ask your mudder.
He's right.
Why be alone on our 20th anniversary
when we can be with family?
And Ritchie.
All right, what do you wanna know?
Well is this the
coldest you've ever been?
Good God, no.
This is nothing compared to Greenland.
Greenland?
Oh, when were you in Greenland?
Oh, years ago.
Before I met you. With the Yanks.
You guys don't really want to hear
a bunch of old boring stories
from 30 years ago, do you?
I do!
Well, I worked on some
American bases after the war.
Nothing special, just some
Office administration.
I'm not supposed to
say, but what the hell.
It was a long time ago now.
In the 60's, I worked at a secret base
under the polar ice cap in Greenland.
Project Ice Worm, they called it.
We had 600 nukes stored there.
You know, in case of a war with Russia.
You don't know cold until
you've experienced Cold War cold.
Anyway, my point is, it was freezing.
You were basically a
henchman in a bond movie!
Mike.
Twenty years of marriage,
and you never told me that!
Nukes!
Cool!
No.
That's not the important part.
The interesting thing
is, it was bitterly cold.
I thought I knew
everything about my father.
But I realized I
didn't know much at all.
What else?
You don't really want to hear
all this old stuff, do ya?
Yes! Please.
All right.
Well, there was this
one time, I got the call.
Yes, sir.
Red alert.
A Russian plane had
wandered into our airspace,
and for the first time
ever, it was all systems go!
Lord almighty!
Oh, it's sweltering in here!
I found these popsicles in the freezer.
You better eat 'em before they melt,
which won't be long in this heat!
Mmm, mm-hm.
Line 2, you're on the air!
The missus just went into labour
and the ambulance can't get up the road!
Where're you at, sir?
- Downing Street!
- Okay!
Uh, if you can get to Downing
Street, we need shovels!
Honey, my contractions!
Cold?
You can't even see your breath in here.
I mean, you crowd, you're so soft.
The great sealing disaster of 1914.
Now, that was cold.
Men died hugging each other for warmth.
They froze like that.
Should have seen them!
Being lowered from the deck
of their ship like statues.
Mark if we die,
you're not gonna let
him eat me, will you?
Don't let him distract you!
Think about Porky's. Stay warm that way.
And get that tape out!
Okay.
This isn't working!
I think I need something smaller.
Oh.
I know. A popsicle stick!
Popsicle stick
Pop, you took the heater!
It's a million degrees in here!
Close the door, b'y!
You're letting all the heat out!
Pop was living like
a rotisserie chicken.
Pop! You're hogging all the heat!
You know, Bob Barlett
made over 40 expeditions
to the arctic, and he
died warm in his bed.
Do you know how he did that?
How?
Because when the crap hit the fan,
he knew it was every man for himself.
I was too cold to argue.
I can feel my nose again!
Dick Dunphy, if you can hear me
Aah!
I could really use a
pee, so get back when you can.
Mike Critch Jr., keeping
you company in the dark!
Keep callin' in, folks.
You're really the only way I know
if anyone out there is listening!
You look like a beached whale.
I've gotta get to the station.
It's devolved into chaos!
If anyone spots a white tabby
in the East End, her
name is Kat with a K.
Sounds like Mike's
handling it just fine.
But I gotta
You know, every year on our anniversary,
you have to work.
And I say, "that's okay.
It's just our 18th."
Or, "that's fine. It's only our 19th."
Well, now it's our 20th
friggin' anniversary,
and the only thing
that gets your attention
is that packin' radio!
Mary?
Mary!
Okay, what else? Um
Oh, Bell Island ferries
are tied up for the night.
It took a blackout to make Dad
finally see the light.
Next caller, you're on!
This is the mayor calling.
Mr. Mayor! Hello, sir!
Wha what can I do for you?
Firstly, I want to thank
you and everyone at VOCM.
You're the only station
still on the air.
We are?
And condolences on the
loss of your father.
Big shoes to fill.
Oh, no, here's the thing. He's not
And that was an exclusive
update from Mayor Murphy
on the only station still on the air.
So I guess
We're number one!
This is Mike Critch for
the VOCM News Service.
Junior!
Mike Critch, Junior.
Pop? Would you like a candle?
You shaggers!
Hey, don't tell Mike
and come and join us.
Pick it up.
- Boys, pick it up!
- Mom!
- Move!
- Okay, okay, okay.
Never in my life have
I seen such selfish,
greedy buggers as you lot!
What the frig are you doing there?
Happy 20th anniversary, Mary.
There's nobody I'd
rather be trapped with.
Did you crawl all that way to do this?
Oh
Don't blow it out!
Argh, it's freezing in here!
Come here.
Remember what Captain Bob Bartlett said:
It's important to share bodily heat.
Didn't he say it was
every man for himself?
- Did he?
- Yeah.
I don't remember that.
But my brain is frozen.
Here.
Oh, good.
I'm so sorry your
anniversary got ruined, Mom.
You know, there's no better
way for me to spend it.
Just me and my family.
And Ritchie.
Yes!
Oh, nice.
It's nice to be included.
I had started asking questions to stall,
but now I was asking
questions to listen.
Mom, when did you two meet?
Well, that was a long, long time ago.
I had just gotten my first apartment.
And so, the fella who
used to live there,
he showed up at my door
and he wanted his mail.
So we got to talking, and
I gave him his letters,
and then he came back the next week.
And the week after that.
Eventually he asked me out to lunch.
I kept mailing myself
letters so I'd have an excuse
to talk to the gorgeous
girl in apartment 5.
You never told me that!
Well He's good at keeping secrets.
I mean, after all, he
was basically a spy.
Telling secrets, sharing stories
connecting with the people in your life
can make the dark times seem brighter.
- The power's back!
- Hallelujah!
Turn the bloody heat up!
Hey!
Oh, thank God!
You're back in one piece, my radio star!
I didn't really do all that much.
I just let everyone else do the talking.
Ah, the most important part
of reporting isn't talking.
It's listening.
Oh, that reminds me: The news!
The best movies I'd ever seen
lived in my family's memories.
Who needed Porky's when you
had stories about Bob Bartlett,
secret bases, and romance?
You know, there's a part
of me that almost wishes
that the power would go back out.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, sweet! You guys got Porky's!
- No, don't!
- No!
Oh no, that's just some
old cartoon the kids got.
Good God, is that a boob?