Space Force (2020) s02e07 Episode Script

1 Hey, Siri, FaceTime Daddy.
Ah! You ruined my drive.
What? Sorry about that.
I just wanted to say happy birthday, Dad.
Hey, hey! Gary made it on the green in one.
And he's legally blind in his left eye.
Way to go, Gary.
Okay.
Uh, did you get my gift? No, but Sal Jr.
got me this primo golf shirt.
My sister got you a golf shirt? Yeah.
Bless her heart.
She never forgets her old man's love for Lefty Mickelson.
Yeah, that was actually my idea.
I told her that you like Lefty Mickelson.
That was I told her that.
Tony, you're boring me.
On my birthday.
Okay, sorry about that.
The day your grandmother pushed me out.
With my head this big then! Sorry about that, Pop.
I just want to say that I love y Your sister sounds great.
And my dad doesn't love me either.
Another thing you and I have in common.
Is my tie okay? - Yeah, it's good.
- Am I good? - All good.
Ready to go.
- All right.
Oh, Naird.
I was actually gonna call you later.
- Oh, well, great minds.
- What do you want, Naird? Well, sir, four months ago, the men and women of Space Force had their pay frozen due to budgetary cuts.
Don't ask for a raise.
Man, Naird.
You got some big balls on you, don't you? Hear me out, sir.
I think that even a small increase would go a long way to keep this very desirable team from going off and pursuing other job opportunities.
Well, as you noted, it has been four months, so feel free to bring it up with the full Armed Services Committee when we talk with you later today.
We got a lot to talk about.
That's today? We, uh Is there anything that I should be, um All right, he's gone.
How does he know the size of your testes? How do you knowthe size of my testes? Oh, well, just as a one-baller, that subject matter holds my interest.
- That's all.
- Fair enough.
Genesis 35X-20.
Feed's incoming, online.
Good.
Next.
Uh, Rush 2112.
"Genesis," "Rush.
" Are all your satellites just named after '70s rock bands? I never made that connection.
Me neither.
Yeah.
Huh! Are you okay, Dr.
Chan? Me? Yeah.
Did you get a call from SpaceX? SpaceX? No.
So they called you? I just said no.
Yeah, but I can see you're lying.
How? Because you haven't blinked or breathed since I said "SpaceX.
" Yeah, they called, and they offered me a job.
I'm really sorry, Dr.
Mallory.
Don't be sorry.
Take it.
It's five times the pay and half the bureaucratic bullshit.
But we're, like, a team.
You're Jordan and I'm Pippen, right? Remember, Pippen had his best season when Jordan went out of the league for a year.
Dr.
Chan, you have to go out there and make your own legacy.
Uh, Dr.
Mallory? On satellite Blue Oyster Cult 181-X, camera's not responding, nor its booster.
Dr.
Chan, run a diagnostic on that.
Meet me in General Naird's office and bring aspirin.
Fucking SpaceX.
Go fuck yourselves with a Tesla charger, you useless twats.
I hope your car drives itself off a bridge, and you get electrocuted, you bitch boring punks.
- Hey, bug.
- Hey.
Uh I hope you're not doing that online stock trade gambling crap.
No, you told me not to, remember? Well, good.
Good, good, good.
'Cause you know what, hon? Being lucky is not an accomplishment.
I want you to have life experiences that you look back on with pride and say, "I did that.
" Yes.
Actually, that's why I think I should go to Portugal.
Dr.
Mallory loved it there.
This is gonna sound a little xenophobic, but Portugal is awful.
Rotten, rotten place.
Uh, okay, let me remind you that you said it was okay for me to take a gap year.
Remember? You said you were "cool" with me traveling? Yes, it's fine.
I'm just saying that there are excellent hiking trails twenty miles from this base.
How is that abroad? Oh, Captain Ali.
Settle this argument.
Portugal, yea or nay? I say it sucks.
What? Um No.
Eu amo Portugal.
I mean, Lisboa is one of the great cities of the world.
Are you going? No one here is Portuguese.
Who you trying to impress? Yeah.
Um, sir, I need to speak with you.
Oh no, please! Oh God! Oh! Oh my God! The sprinklers just went off! I didn't do it! Oh! This is exactly why you save take-out napkins.
Oh my Brad, just get a bucket and a mop.
Yeah.
All right.
Okay.
Good idea.
Best evidence thus far for the existence of God.
The vending machines disgorging free M&Ms.
- Ooh.
Sweet.
Thanks for the tip.
- Peanut.
What the hell is going on? No, no, no, I told you I was getting Dad a Lefty Mickelson golf shirt for his birthday.
You straight-up stole my idea.
Oh, wow.
That's a serious accusation, Tony.
And as an attorney, I warn you it's potentially actionable.
I'm sorry.
You would sue family over a shirt? Fuck around and find out.
Bye! I'll be at Disney World with Daddy.
What? I'm the one that always wanted to go to Disney World.
I want to do Great Thunder Mountain and he wouldn't take me.
I know that.
Bye.
What? What is that? Do you see that? I was passing by, and I was like, "What is this?" So I picked it up, and it's weed.
Someone has been smoking weed down here.
- Oh, wasn't me.
- Huh.
Hey, I I kinda heard some of your phone call.
Was it about your dad? No, Brad, it's not about my dad.
Oh, okay.
Yes, okay, yeah.
It was It was It was about my dad.
Yeah.
Look, families are very complicated, all right? I worked really hard to become a one-star general to impress my dad, only to find out he wanted me to become a travel agent.
A travel agent.
Yeah, but I couldn't cut it.
Give me a hit of that jive parsley.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
- Hit me! - Small.
Small.
Oh! There it is.
You know, the only thing that impresses my dad is when I make money.
He doesn't care about anything else happening in my life.
Don't tell General Naird, but I actually, uh, I got a job offer.
To run socials for Addison Rae's new makeup line.
Sweet.
First, a satellite acting out, now a sprinkler.
Coincidence? Which satellite? Blue Oyster Cult, 181-X, sir.
The thruster's just firing randomly.
Where is it? It was above 46 degrees north latitude and 37 degrees east longitude.
Over the Sea of Azov.
Yeah.
Wow.
Uh, was that a guess? Yes, I got this far by guessing.
Hold on.
That's over Russia.
We gotta fix this thing before it falls on something Russian.
Dr.
Chan, go down to the main server room, see if you can patch in directly to the satellite from there.
Captain, reach out to the NSA, see if everything's quiet on their end.
Yes, sir.
This can't happen.
Not today.
Jesus.
That's why it's a four-month review.
Hey.
Hey.
I can wait for the next one.
You can go ahead.
No, I'm sure we can share a short elevator ride together.
Cool.
Hey, actually, uh, I've been meaning to talk to you.
Um I didn't want you to, like, hear it around.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna be moving on from Space Force.
I just think it's time to make a change.
Really? Yeah, I was just about to tell the general.
Yeah, I might do something cool, like real estate or go back to Hawaii, fly helicopter tours.
Wow.
That That sounds very nice.
You know, I'm actually thinking about leaving too.
- Really? - Yeah.
SpaceX sent me an offer.
Oh my God.
Congrats.
It's a great offer.
Hey, you're not leaving, like, because of me, right? What? No.
And you're not leaving because of me, right? Nope.
- Good.
- Yep.
Nobody's leaving because of anybody.
Mark, isn't this a lot of coincidence? Do you think the Russians actually hacked that satellite? I think they may have hacked a lot more than a satellite.
God, the stupid Wi-Fi is down.
- Yeah, there we go.
I got it.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Straight.
Straight! You don't You're lift I didn't do it.
Whoa.
What the fuck? Shit.
I think we might be, uh, stuck.
- Oh fuck.
- No bars.
What? Fuck.
Okay, but Okay, but there has to be, like, a way a way out of here.
It's called waiting for the power to come back on, and then the door will just open.
No, no, no, no, no! - Are you okay? - No! No, we're fucking stuck in here! - It's fine.
- Help! - Whoa, whoa, let's just - Help! Hold on.
Don't break the elevator.
- Can somebody hear me? - Just chill.
Just chill.
It's gonna be fine.
You're gonna be okay.
All right? - Help! - Oh! We're fucking trapped in here! Help! - Help! Angela's losing her shit! - Help! - Help us! - Help! Watch your step, bug.
Hey, what is going on? We're not exactly sure what happened.
We think there was a power surge, and after that, everything just went haywire.
Let's go.
Away from the computers.
What's the damage, Xyler? They've locked us out of our systems and they're pushing Blue Oyster Cult out of orbit over Russian airspace.
Why? To crash the satellite and embarrass us in the eyes of the world.
Because they can.
And make Space Force a laughingstock.
I guess we're not getting our raises now, are we? We have to get back online, fire the thrusters.
Now how late is too late for Blue Oyster Cult? - An hour? - An hour.
All right.
- So we are locked out of our computers.
- Yep.
People with the keys are somewhere in Russia.
Can't communicate.
And they can hear us through our computers? - Seems so.
- Wait a second.
We could use that to our advantage.
We could manipulate that.
They don't know that we know what we know, but we know that they don't know we know what we know.
Right, Brad? No.
We lie.
We make them think that we are weaker than we are.
- I love this.
I love this.
- Smoke and mirrors.
What do you do when a Russian bear's batting you around? You play - Chess? - dead, right? Oh, yeah, right.
I always play dead when I play chess.
- You got it now? - No.
We exaggerate the impact of their hack.
At a certain point, they're not even gonna want to play the game anymore.
- Brilliant.
- You still don't understand.
- No.
- It's like we're putting on a little play.
What do you know about theater? Because I think you can use guidance.
I was in a Nativity play once.
I was the Virgin Mary.
It was an all-boys academy.
Oh, I'll be General Naird.
No, I'll be General Naird.
You're Brad.
Oh, that's not much of a part.
But who's to blame for that, Brad? God, it's so hot, right? I just feel like it's like I'm, like, burning up in here right now.
Angela, I think you're having a panic attack, but it's okay.
You just need to breathe.
Everything's okay.
- Take off your pants.
- What? And, like, your shirt.
All of it.
Here.
Let's try this.
- Whoa! Whoa! - Come here.
Okay, okay, okay, I can't believe I'm saying this right now, but having sex is not gonna help.
I mean, let's find out, right? No.
No.
No.
No.
I just I can't be trapped again.
Angela, you're not on the moon anymore.
Okay? You're safe.
Right here on Earth.
There's plenty of air here.
Well, I think.
Okay, sorry.
Sorry.
I shouldn't have said that last part.
There's plenty of air.
Everything is okay.
Just focus.
Focus on your breathing and concentrate on an object in front of you.
Look at my glasses.
Look right here.
Glasses.
Yeah, concentrate on my glasses and just breathe.
- Glasses.
- Yep.
Glasses Good.
Good.
Good.
Um, why do you wear your glasses during sex? I've I've just been wanting to ask you that.
I guess I I never had a chance to take 'em off.
Always just happened so fast.
And also, I just, uh, want to see your face.
You need glasses when we're that close? Your eyes must be terrible.
Oh, yeah, they're so bad.
They're basically ornamental.
Yeah.
Doing great.
"General Naird, who do you think is behind this dastardly hack?" "Well, as a four-star general, I smell the hands of the Chinese behind this.
" "That country is growing in power.
" "If I lived next door, I would make common cause with old allies from across the seas.
" What does that mean? - I wouldn't talk like that.
- Shh.
"If only the Chinese knew what was really on that satellite.
" "Oh, I've said too much.
" "What is it, sir?" "It's classified, Ms.
Havistock, my loyal secretary.
" "But that satellite is experimental.
" "Powered by a thousand pounds of the deadliest radioactive poison in the world, plutonium-243.
" "To put a finer point on all of this, here comes the world's biggest expert in plutonium, Professor Montgomery Q.
Tanner.
" Who is arriving on horseback because he is a colorful eccentric.
"Uh, howdy! Here I come.
" "I'm dismounting now.
" Are you the professor? I thought you froze.
You know what? You could be the janitor.
"Professor, tell us some good news.
" "I am a professor, and I do not have good news.
" "If that satellite crashes, it will kill millions all over our beloved Russia.
" - "What?" - "Oh.
This is horrifying.
" "Sorry to break ship.
" - "We are in danger.
" - "Tough titties, baby.
" "We are all in serious danger.
" "Something bad is going to happen unless we get control of our computers.
" Ow.
- No? Too much? - No, keep going.
This is what my mom did for me when I was, like, sick.
- Supposed to be a pressure point.
- Mmm.
- Yeah.
Hmm.
- That feels good.
You know, I made that, uh, TikTok feta pasta.
Hmm? Yeah.
I don't I don't get it.
What did you like about it? I don't know.
I didn't I didn't eat it.
I wanted you to make it first to see if it was bad.
- You wanted me to be a guinea pig? - Yeah.
We could have just eaten it together.
I had that every night for a week, and it was disgusting.
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
I probably should've, uh I could've helped you out with that one.
Yeah.
You don't have to apologize.
I, uh, you know I kind of did a lot of things wrong.
I mean, we we both did, I think.
Yeah.
But, I mean - Yeah.
- Yeah.
I sort of feel like everything got really nuts, and I kinda wish we could just wipe the slate clean, you know, and go back and "Professor, isn't there anything we can do to stop that giant orbiting dirty bomb from crashing and killing hundreds of millions?" "No, there is nothing we can do.
" "My scientific opinion as a professor and an eccentric is that all is lost.
" "Professor, I don't understand.
" "I'm only a simple marinating maintenance man, but why can't we use our computers to fix this situation?" "Nobody wants millions of people to die.
" "You stupid janitor!" "We can't use our computers because the Chinese" Sir! We are no longer locked out! Oh.
Now we need to input new telemetry to get that KH-11 back in orbit, stat.
- Yes, sir.
- Uh Oh! But I have a confession to make.
I've been going to night school, and I have obtained three PhDs.
Good.
You can tell me about that later, Janitor Fred.
General, we're back in contact with the satellite.
Good.
Fire up the thrusters and switch to the onboard camera.
Sorry, we were, uh, trapped in an elevator.
Yep.
Are you wearing lipstick? What? No.
Xyler, get out of my chair, man.
I just rebooted the remote navigation.
You're welcome.
Dr.
Chan, recalculate the new thruster data and relay it to Blue Oyster Cult immediately.
Instanter.
Okay, Roger that, Dr Fuck! - What's wrong? - Seriously? You're auto-updating now? I won't be able to calculate the right data for the satellite for 49 minutes.
How long till impact? Eleven minutes and 44 seconds.
Fuck Microsoft! Okay.
Fuck! All right.
Um Adrian, please tell me we have a plan B.
There we go.
Good.
Good.
Old school.
- I like it.
- Eleven minutes and seven seconds.
Okay.
I know.
We can see the timer on the screen.
We can all see it.
What What is going on? Listen, everyone.
Dr.
Mallory is in the process of doing these calculations by hand.
So this whole thing may come down to the wire.
- Done.
- Oh.
Good.
He got it.
Great.
Xyler, put these in.
Thank God.
No, not just yet.
So, Chan, why is the satellite not responding? The autopilot has a rebooting of its own.
Okay.
You're gonna have to fly it by hand.
What? The W-A-S-D keys, they control the pitch and the yaw.
Go.
Okay.
Okay.
You can do this, Chan.
I believe in you, Chan.
Fuck.
- Low orbit.
- The orbit's still decaying.
- I don't know.
This is not Fortnite.
- I got it.
Okay.
Low orbit.
Low orbit.
Low orbit.
Low orbit.
Low orbit.
Low orbit.
Low orbit.
Low or Ah.
We got it.
Bird's back in the sky.
Hey! Blue Oyster Cult need no longer fear the reaper! Captain Ali for the win! Also, let's not forget Mallory with all that weird math shit! No.
Know what? We're all winners.
I love this team! This is the best team! As long as we stick together, we can do anything.
Yeah.
Um, sir, actually, can I talk to you for a minute? Uh, General, it's 3:50.
Sec Def at 4:00.
Oh! Yeah.
That's right.
Um, come by my office later.
I have a very important meeting right now.
- Wish me luck! - Good luck.
- Good luck, sir.
- Good luck.
Dr.
Mallory, that ruler thing was so cool.
Slide rule.
Got us to the moon.
You see, I still have so much to learn from you.
SpaceX, they can go find themselves another handsome scientist, you know? I'm gonna stay.
- You're sure? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- That was impressive, for sure.
Maybe there's another reason? Well Tony.
Psst! Tony.
Please don't tell anyone that I smoked jive parsley.
I definitely won't be using those words, Brad.
- You want me to get you more, don't you? - No.
Before you leave.
You got it.
Is the General free? There's a line.
I didn't wanna do it, but I had to.
I fought it as hard as I could, but ultimately I was overridden.
So, congratulations.
Well, thank you, sir.
It feels good to get a win.
And I'm sure the team is going to appreciate the raises and the new mission.
But, right now, I have a whole waiting room full of people who I would like to give the good news.
Well, it's good news to you.
To me, it's just news.
And I lost a bet.
- Sir.
- Tony, guess what? We got the raises.
- We got the raises? - We did.
- All of us? - What did you wanna talk to me about? Sir, I need to speak to you.
Captain, I have been meaning to give this to you.
- Please open and read at your discretion.
- Okay.
So, what can I do for you? I'm leaving Space Force.
Okay.
Yeah, so, ever since, um, the moon, I've just I've been Um, I just think it's time for me to make a career change.
Oh.
I see.
Yeah, so I am going to leave and move to Hawaii.
Oh, Hawaii.
That's very nice.
Very beautiful.
Yeah, it Um, yes.
You know, I'm not coming back.
Oh, no, no.
Yeah.
No, I understand.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I just kind of thought you would be, like, trying to convince me to stay.
You know, tell me I did a good job.
You know, I saved that satellite, or I brought the astronauts home.
Tell me I conducted myself with dignity and professionalism.
Tell me I'm not the type of person who quits.
Isn't that what you always say? If I said any of those things, would it change your mind? No.
Then I respect your decision.
All right.
Um, then you will have my letter of resignation by the end of the day.
Very well.
Well, goodbye.
Good luck.
You did a very good job.
Dear Captain Ali, in recognition of your leadership and exemplary dedication to service, you have been promoted to the rank of Major.
Congratulations and continued success.
General Mark R.
Naird.
I was worried, but it looks like the whole team's gonna stick together.
Except for Captain Ali, maybe.
And you.
I'm definitely taking a gap year.
Yeah, I know.
I know, honey.
You gotta spread your wings.
I get it.
I'm not going to Portugal though.
Huh? I'm going to work in forestry.
Oh.
Wow.
Okay.
Don't tell me.
Rainforest? Listen, if you're gonna head to someplace like the Amazon, they have all kinds of diseases.
So you're gonna need to get shots.
Uh I don't know if there's many diseases in Colorado.
Colorado? That's where the US Forestry Service is.
I thought you hated Colorado.
It's not my favorite place in the world, but you're here, so.
Oh my God.
Oh - You are such a softy.
- No.
Captain Ali.
I haven't received your letter of resignation.
Actually, it's Major Ali now, sir.
- Morning, everyone.
- Morning.
Well, it seems that we have made some friends in Washington, and they've decided to give us a little present.
A new mission.
We are now part of the American Strategic Defense Plan.
Oh, sir.
Is that the, um Yes! That is the Hawaii telescope, and we now have sole access.
NASA, not so much.
Screw NASA.
- Sorry, sir.
- I will allow it this once.
What are we looking at right now, sir? - What are we looking at? - Yeah.
What is that? Uh That appears to be a slight smudge on the lens? Um No, I think that might be an asteroid.
Sorry? A really big fucking asteroid.
And it's getting bigger.
Aruba, Jamaica Ooh, I wanna take you To Bermuda, Bahama Come on, pretty mama Key Largo, Montego Baby, why don't we go Down to Kokomo We'll get there fast And then we'll take it slow That's where we wanna go Way down in Kokomo Aruba Jamaica Ooh, I wanna take you To Bermuda, Bahama Come on, pretty mama Key Largo, Montego, Baby, why don't we go Ooh I wanna take you Down to Kokomo We'll get there fast And then we'll take it slow That's where we wanna go Way down in Kokomo Martinique, that Montserrat mystique We'll put out to sea And we'll perfect our chemistry And by and by we'll defy A little bit of gravity Afternoon delight Cocktails and moonlit nights That dreamy look in your eye Give me a tropical contact high Way down in Kokomo Aruba, Jamaica Ooh, I wanna take you To Bermuda, Bahama Come on, pretty mama Key Largo, Montego, Baby, why don't we go Ooh, I wanna take you Down to Kokomo We'll get there fast And then we'll take it slow That's where we wanna go Way down in Kokomo