Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s02e07 Episode Script

But most of all, I'd like to take a
moment to thank the one person who's
made all of this possible
me, space ghost.
Thank you, me.
10 seconds, space ghost.
Ok, everyone, on your toes.
Let's be really great tonight.
I can see it now first the cable ace awards,
then the emmy, Tony, Oscar,
shecky, Lulu, Dean Martin roast, secret square,
star searchspokesmodel Hey!
Aah!
- All hail brak!
- No!
Let brak do the intro.
Live from ghost planet, it's brak!
No!
Let brak sing the theme.
No, no, no, no!
La la la la lalala
We're on.
ah ahh ahh ahh
la la la la la la la
Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group
and U.S. department of education
la la la la la la la la - la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la
ah ah ah ah ah ah ah who let that little creep on?
Didn't anyone listen to what I said?
Didn't I just get through telling
you I want this show to be as smooth
as a baby's space ghost.
What?
Like, we're on the air, man.
Uh, w-w-w-what?
- B-but I'm not ready.
- That little creep threw me off.
Quick, start over.
What?
- You jerk, space ghost.
- We're live.
You can't start over.
UhWell, then, everybody close your eyes.
- What?
- Close them!
Oy gevalt.
You, too, home citizens.
Ow!
- -
- Space ghost!
Ok now. Open them.
Ah. Ayee!
My eyelids are encrusted shut.
- Help me.
- Help me!
10 seconds, and already, this one's in the toilet.
Oh, uh, uh, greetings.
I'm space host.
Ha ha! Whoopsie Daisy.
As you can see, things are a little
bit zany tonight, a little wacky,
a little kooky.
- Wacky?
- Kooky?
And that's because tonight's show's a real doozie.
My guests are sassy, comedic chanteuse
Sandra bernhard andWait a second.
Moltar, is this right?
A mere hardware store owner on tonight's award-winnable doozie?
- His name is Palmer mills.
- Nice guy.
An average citizen on my doozie?
Moltar, what gives?
Uh, we got him dirt cheap.
Well, besides that star-studded lineup, we've added oodles
of exciting new features to our show.
What a load of what's that, zorak?
What are these loads of excitement?
Well, for starters, we have a live
studio audience here in the studio.
Completely live!
We'll also be taking your live calls and questions
here at the ghost planet, live!
Not now.
And finally, we'll have a human sacrifice.
What?
Ha ha ha ha!
Live!
Heh heh. Not happening, funny boy.
Rats.
Before we start tonight's incredible show,
let's say hello to our live
studio audience.
- Baba ghanouj!
- It's the lone audience of the apocalypse.
Zorak, do you know these people?
Nein! Nein!
What are you inferring, space ghost?
Zorak! Zorak, over here.
Hi, zorak.
Oh. Uh, hi, Uncle Judy, aunt Lars.
Uh, sorry about Raymond.
That's ok. We was gonna eat him up, anyway.
I don't find that funny.
Don't be such a jerk, space ghost.
That's the second time you've called me a jerk tonight.
Oh, my. Space jerk can count.
Don't call me a jerk, zorak, you you You jerk!
- I'm not a jerk.
- You're the jerk.
No, are.
- You are.
- You are.
- You are.
- Jerk.
- Jerk.
- Jerk.
- Jerk.
- Jerk.
Jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk,
jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk!
Enough.
We've wasted too much award-winning time.
- Moltar, first guest.
- Get Sandra on!
- Yeah, whatever.
- Jerk.
My first guest is that wild and crazy girl of the minute,
star of her own multi-something extravaganza, Sandra bernhard!
- Sorry, man.
- She's not ready.
- Oh, this is great.
- Just dandy.
Now I'll have to talk to that ordinary guest guy.
For your free copy of
who's that?
It's your guest.
Oh, terrific. Whoopee.
Welcome to the show, plain old, average, garden-variety,
non-celebrity citizen whoever.
Glad to be with you today.
Yeah, I bet you are, Joe plainfolks.
So, you own a hardware store.
- How nice.
- Any interesting stories to tell?
I thought you would ask that nope. Didn't think so.
You know, I could bench-press you from now till doomsday.
What do you think of that, averagecitizen?
Well think it'll rain today?
How 'bout those Dallas cowboys?
Boxers or briefs?
Well That's a rather pointed question.
Well, isn't that what you average citizens talk about?
- Hmm? Huh? Hmm?
- Answer me!
Space ghost, he's a guest.
Some guest he is.
Look at him. He's mundaning up my whole show.
How can I win any awards with material like this?
- This show needs oomph! Pizazz!
- Joie de vivre!
Moltar, is Sandra ready yet?
Well, um No.
- -
- Take some calls.
Welcome to my shoe, caller.
What would you like to talk to me about?
Actually, I wanted to ask Mr. Mills what he thinks of Tim Allen.
Tim Allen. Let's see.
He doesn't have a store in our town.
Ha ha ha!
Hey!Ido the jokes here.
Next caller.
Hello. You're on the air with space ghost.
Hello? Hello?
Ok. I see how it is.
Uh, hello, Mr. mills?
What would you suggest using for eradicating giant mantises?
What? Is that you, lokar?
Sevin dust.
Malathion. Either one of those would be great for him.
Hmm. Seven dust in metal can.
I'll have to remember that.
Hey, you know something, Joe?
That reminds me, maybe I should come to your store.
I need to replace my orgone Zargon Zargonite.
Ha ha ha!
Zorgonute branch.
I know how to say it, earthling!
I am a talk show host, you know.
I know how to say things.
I can say lots of things.
Tuna fish. Parentheses.
Coochie-coochie girl charo.
Zingnut ranch.
Zorgonute branch.
That cuts it, hardware boy.
No skinny pink boy's going to tell
me how to say things on my show.
Moltar, get him off!
Sheesh! What a jerk.
Everyone be quiet, or I'll clear the room.
Moltar, Sandra bernhard now!
She went out forKnishes.
Ok, ok. I think we should take a break now.
Let's go to break.
Hail brak!
Hail brak!
Hail brak!
Not brak,break.Break!
- Hail brak! Hail brak!
- Hail brak!
Hail brak!
I'm an unhappy space man.
Hail brak!
Sorry about s.G., man.
He's being a real jerk today.
I was a little bit blundersome on some of them, wasn't I?
- Oh, no, no. You were great.
- You were great.
Are we still on for going fishing? Is this weekend good for you?
Anytime. Anytime.
Zorak, I'm warning you.
Ix-nay, ost-ghay.
Oh! Hi.
We're back to the show where any day now,
my guest will be the lovely
Sandra bernhard.
In the meantime, let's take some
more calls from you, the viewers.
Hello. You're on the air.
Hello? Can I can I speak to Mr. Mills?
Sorry. He's off the show. Next.
Yeah, I have a question for Ms. Bernhard.
- Sorry, she's not in yet.
- Do you have a question or comment for me?
Doesn't anyone want to speak to me? I'm the host.
Next caller.
Hello, zorak?
Yes?
Playmistyfor me.
Aah!
Next caller.
Is your refrigerator running?
- What a stupid question.
- Of course it is.
Better go catch it.
- Ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!
- I don't get it.
- What's so darn funny?
What a jerk.
Hello?
Paging space ghost.
You? Haven't I told you never to call me here?
Moltar, hang up.
Next caller.
Jerk.
Next call.
Hello, Mr. tad ghostal?
- It's for me.
- Yes, citizen?
Mr. ghostal, I'm calling about your long-distance service.
Ack! Not interested.
If I could just have a moment of your time.
Blow off, wage slave.
Oh! Jerk!
Why are you such a jerk tonight, space ghost?
Is it The loneliness?
Well
Hey! I'm not lonely, and I'm not a jerk.
Yes. Yes! You're the loneliest, jerkiest jerk.
You're king jerk.
Zorak.
- Lord jerk.
- Emperor jerk.
Pope of the jerks!
Zorak!
Jerkmeister, jerkarino, jerkenstein, jerko, beef jerky,
jerky beefaghetti boy, jerkamundo!
Zorak, I am rubber, zorak, and you are glue.
Only the grand king jerk would say that.
Moltar, the phone.
- Moltar!
- What?
Phone!
- Oh, yeah.
- Can you get that?
Oh, ok. Hello?
Hello?
Hello, tad.
That that voice.
Do you know who this is, taddykins?
- Good lord.
- I know that voice.
But it can't be. You're in the asylum?
- Oh, no, taddy boy.
- Not anymore.
I escaped last night.
Now look, Chad Chad? Who's Chad?
Oh, just evil, pure and simple.
- That's all.
- Let's not discuss it.
Evil Chad?
No. He's my
Evil twin!
Evil twin?
Yes. My evil twin Chad ghostal.
Doesn't everyone have an evil twin?
- No.
- Not me, brother.
No, no, no.
Ah, we walk alike, we talk alike What a crazy pair.
Then one day, a hot dog made him lose control.
Tad, do you remember when we were
young how I would make you cry?
- The ropes, tad.
- Remember the ropes?
How I'd twist them and twist them
and keep twisting them until
- heh heh. Can't talk now, Chad.
- Got a talk show to do, you know.
- Wait for me, tad.
- Wait for me.
- I'll be right over.
- Ha ha ha ha ha!
UhSpace ghost?
Uh, yeah?
Is your evil twin a jerk, too?
I've had it with you, Mr. Funny bug.
You don't want me to win any awards, do you, Mr. funny bug?
Mr. funny bug?
Mr. funny bug?
Ha ha ha ha!
Sandra, can't you see I'm in the middle of something?
Ha. Sandra!
Moltar, why didn't you tell me she was ready?
Uh, hello, citizen Sandra.
It's about time.
I mean, welcome to the show.
Wow.
Hey, Sandra, what do you call space ghost drinking a root beer?
Um A soda jerk.
Hey, I want a big laugh like zorak.
Moltar, give me a big laugh.
That'sa big laugh?
Uh, huh So, Sandra, tell me about your superpowers.
My superpowers?
- Yes, yes.
- Your superpowers.
I can psychically read every thought
inside of your mind right now
if you have any. Wait.
I have to take a moment to see if you're actually thinking.
NeedFood.
I'd love some tacos.
Mmm. Chicken tacos.
Refried beans.
- Love some tacos.
- Chicken tacos.
Refried beans And a chimichanga.
Aah! She's scanning me.
Ha ha ha!
- Sandra, stop that.
- Get out of my mind!
You're freaking me out!
I'm the kind of girl you don't bring home to mother.
You understand?
She's all right.
She all right.
That girl'sallright.
She's real people.
UhhYeah.
That's one of my superpowers.
Ahem. Let's take a call for Sandra.
Hi. You're on the air.
- -
- Sandra, can you tell what I'm thinking?
Oh, I know what you're thinking.
I can't talk about it on the cartoon network, though.
Let's have some serious calls, please.
Next caller. Hello?
Do you have prince Albert in a can?
Ha ha ha!
Don't encourage them, Sandra.
Next caller. We're speaking with Sandra bernhard.
- Um, yeah.
- What's on after this?
I lost mytv guide.
Next caller.
Yeah. Can I see your muscles?
Why, of course.
Admire my wonderful Not yours, hers, you jerk.
Oh.
Ok. Well, I'm not going to show you
all of them, but I will show you
this one.
Not bad, huh?
Yeah,great,Sandra. Next!
Jerk.
Mr. tad ghostal, this is herb mosh from the I.R.S.
Moltar, next call!
Hello?
Caller, turn down your set!
Hello?
- What'swrong with you people?
- Next caller, now!
- -
- The tingler, the tingler is loose in the theater.
Scream, scream for your lives.
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Wow.
Everyone all right?
Yeah, I think so.
Sandra, years from now, when you
talk about this and you will
pleaseBe kind.
There we are.
All hail brak!
- All right. That's it.
- I've had it!
Moltar, stop the tape!
You hurt brak's feelings.
This isn't a talk show, it's a freak show!
Get out! Get out, all of you.
The show is over. Out with you!
Good luck getting an award for this one, space ghost.
- I don't care.
- I don't need any awards.
- I don't need any of you.
- I'm space ghost.
The rest of you are all cogs, extras,
faces in the crowd, 9-to-5 nobodies.
You're all Cannon fodder, you hear?
You're the guys in red shirts on star trek.
Get out!
- Well, I sure blew it.
- I'll never get any awards afterthisfiasco.
Never, never, never.
It's so unfair.
I feel like such a jerk!
Boy, it sure is creepy in here with no one around.
Hey, if I'm all alone here
Then who's behind the camera?
Hello there, tad.
Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group
and U.S. department of education captioning
She's all right.