Squidbillies (2005) s02e07 Episode Script

% You run off & took our only chicken % % When l broke jail the house was burnt and bare % % The Japs moved the plant back to Osaki % % Some days life just don't seem that fair % % l don't even care l just don't give a damn % - My turn.
- Hell, no.
- Man, let me drive that thing! Come on! - Do not touch the trim! Oh, my God! - Don't you look precious.
- Trick or treat.
Here's your candy, little girl.
Now what do you say? l say put all your electronicals in this here bag! - l need a blow-dryer, a curling iron and - All right.
All right.
Good.
Not great, but good.
Granted, this here was a stimulation but in the event of a real trick-or-treatery, you're gonna need this.
- Some magic fairy dust? My eyes! - Unmagical chili powder and it's got to be right in the orbitals so they can't identitize you.
Why don't we just break in when they ain't home? Son, it ain't the destination.
lt's the journey.
Now come on.
Let's go get us a damn bread-maker.
Lo and beware.
The monster thirsts for blood in the shadows of the mountain.
Leaky mouth woman! Get on back inside the house and take your l'm-so-old-l'm-gonna-damn-die pills.
Every Hallow's eve he lurks, and he waits and he lurks and he waits.
- What? - He does stand about quite a bit.
And he lets time pass quietly while anticipating future goings-on.
Hellish Jay, they call him.
Hellish Jay from Elijay.
There's a monster up here, Daddy? Out in the woods? Yes, in the woods.
Now come on.
Let's go out in the woods.
Hold on a second.
What's he look like? About yea high.
No hair or skin.
And a devilishly tight ass.
He got a 'lectronic ass.
And a long, straw-like Damn! All right, look.
You ever seen one of them insulation blowing-hose pipes? - Blows the damn insulation into you? - He blows insulation into you?! - He does.
God Almighty! - Oh, my God! - No, no, no.
lt's a blood pipe.
- Oh, yeah.
That's right.
- That's better, then.
- He sucks your blood with it.
What was that? That's just my sound effects record.
He's afraid of sound effects.
They say.
Years ago, one year ago he was stung on this mountain by thousands of fire ants.
And some say he turned into a fire ant himself.
But every Halloween most likely starting from next Halloween he come up here looking for his lost cell phone.
Time out.
Wait a minute.
Hello? l done told you a numertous times, there ain't no Jay here.
That's That's him! Hellish Jay! - Daddy, give him his phone! - Hell, no! l got 250 prepaid minutes on this son of a bitch.
lt's mine! Everyone get in the fire! lt's the only way! - Get in the fire, Daddy! Come on! - Wait a minute.
- What? Wait.
- This is stupid.
Get out of the fire! Everyone out! - l'm on fire! - Get out of here, monster! Relax, son.
Hell, l baited the damn perimeter.
You didn't use all my date rape drug, did you? l didn't see your name on it.
Boy, l told you about dipping into my date rape Hold your thought.
Talk to me.
You gonna eat who? Who the hell is this? - What? - He must have bought another phone.
What the hell you need two cellar phones for? - That's right.
You don't.
- Daddy, don't get him all excited.
- Run off like the sissy bitch that you is.
- Don't rile him up.
Maybe you ought to trip on a root and drop that phone, too.
Then we get us another one.
Start us a family plan.
Hell, yeah, l said it.
Bring it on, ding-dong.
- Daddy, you ain't gotta do that, now.
- Show me them teeth! Now, how do l go about sending you a picture of you all pissed off? Damn, this thing's got Tetris.
Where have l heard that before? Oh, yeah.
From you! - Sheriff, he's getting closer.
- Well, that's just what he does, Rusty.
He just gets close to you but he's just playing games.
Just messing around with your emotions, and the next thing you know you're just overwhelmed by all this attention.
'Cause he's already telling you that you're the only one on the face of the Earth that he cares for.
No one else matters.
You think ''l could go for this, all the damn way.
'' And then you plan a trip to Costa Rica together and then three days later, you hadn't heard from him except you find out he's got a refund on the tickets, and then this! l mean Well, that's the legend, anyway.
- Does that mean he's a Jew? - No, Early.
Don't mean that at all.
- Sheriff, look out behind you! - Whatever.
Let's go over here.
Well, damn, it looks just like the other one.
Well, they both want your blood, Rusty.
But this one over here, well, he's actually cool about it.
- What up, dog? - Well, Skuyler, you dang rascal.
There's that chick over there.
She's totally scoping me, man.
How you doing, boy? l'd be doing a lot better if l sucked down some blood shooters.
- Body shots? Body shots? - l'll do a body shot! - Way to nut up, bloodsack.
Let's do this.
- You don't want that.
He'll suck your intestines through your navel.
Dudes, take the knife out of my back.
You know l don't roll like that.
Let's kind of scoot over to this side.
Hell if l'm gonna retreat for no damn monster! Hell, l say kill 'em both! Let God Almighty sort it out! No! He's got a kind heart! You son of a bitch! Die! Early, no.
They're immortal.
- You ain't got to do that now.
- They can't be killed.
Well, l guess l was They can be killed.
Yeah, that was kind of easy.
Like that time l beat up that baby.
- Wait a minute.
- Oh, great.
Now we're dealing with damn monster ghosts.
About to be of the dead variety.
Better get your ass back on back to Monsterville.
- Damn it! - l ain't dressed for this.
They won't hurt babies.
They hate babies! Quick! Nobody dress like a baby! Damn! Look at those guns.
My God, your forearms are massive! Come on, baby.
l wasn't trying to come on to you or nothing.
We're just talking about, you know And we just wait for one of them to start sucking our blood? - l think they busy, son.
- That's hot.
l can't wait for when he dumps you and you're back here on Earth with all the rest of us! Come on, Sheriff.
You don't need to see this.
- God, l hate him! - Come here.
Let me hold you.
- You're a good friend, Early.
- Are you jacking my ass around? - Early? - Hell, l would never say that.
Oh, Lord.
One, two, three, four, five l know this guy.
He's the Counter of the Mounter--tain.
That's a real good name.
Now, years back on Halloween at midnight his whole family came up to this hilltop right here dark and windy and they all choked to death an a calculator.
Calculator? - Was it a evil calculator? - Why else would it eat his whole family? Well, it choked them to death, actually.
So the whole family choked on one calculator? - l'm just telling you.
- His 'n 's whole family? - Like, a living calculator or something? - l guess it'd have to be for a whole family to choke on one calculator.
Look, l didn't write it.
Anyway, every Halloween Eve, if you hear counting in the woods you know that he's extending and retracting his claws exactly 36 times before he feels totally comfortable to claim another victim.
Why 36? Otherwise, he just feels like his day won't go right.
- You ain't saying he's a Jew.
- No, he's not a damn Jew, Early.
Don't you judge me, now.
Hate to interrupt but we'll take a step to the left.
No! Do not move! A leaf blew in front of you.
l just wanted to get that out of there.
lt's driving me nuts.
OK, sorry.
You know what? Let me do it an even number of times.
lt helps me.
Here.
There, two times.
One, two, three.
Damn that leaf.
OK, hang on one second.
That second one didn't really count.
lt wasn't a whole one.
- Come on, y'all.
Let's go.
- There, it's a whole.
- All right.
- Y'all have a good one.
Happy Halloween, you son of a bitches.
six, seven, eight, nine Granny, you coming with us? No.
l'm ready to die.
OK.
You have a good 'n.
32, 33, 34, 35, 36.
No one No one ever let's me get that far.
What do you want to do? Just like this.
Can you do the hat? Now say it just right.
lt's Monday night of rowdy friend of football.
Monday football night.
Well, that's close enough.
l think the 69ers are playing the Packers tonight.
BloodLogic