Staged (2020) s02e07 Episode Script

So Romania is off, but, Michael,
Northampton is a go situation.
The gateway to the west, Northampton.
Nothing will stop me
getting to Northampton.
Oh-h-h, do you know,
- I'm so happy for you. I'm proud.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
6 across, "Sword of"
Du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du
- Omens.
- It's eight letters.
Sword of Damocles.
- Da-may-cles!
- Yep.
Yes!
- We should have a system by now.
- Like what?
I don't know.
I could do cross, you could do down.
Is that a joke?
Ah-ha-ha!
You'll be the cross one
and I'll be the down one?!
Yeah, I-I came up with it last night.
You're a funny old fish, aren't you?
Cos you're not an
intentionally funny person.
- Is that correct?
- Well, yeah.
Well, I tell jokes!
No, you don't. You you stumble
and topple headlong
into funny things - completely
accidentally, occasionally.
Oh, do I? you make me sound
like a wounded gazelle.
No, it's endearing.
7 across. Oh, my God!
Lead actor in Staged!
Fuck off!
- Yes!
- You are kidding!
Yes!
How many letters?
Yeah!
- What?
- No!
So talk to me about the auditions.
You know, the ones where I asked you
clearly to behave
- for the sake of your careers? Your careers.
- Absolutely.
Yeah. So, did you or did you not
use these sessions
with A-list Hollywood talent
as an impromptu therapy thing?
Uh, well, um,
David was feeling vulnerable,
a bit tender, weren't you?
Well, some of the improvisations
got a wee bit personal.
You realise you're a laughing
stock, yeah?
You know this, right?
Can we have one more chance?
We can be professional,
Mary, we really can.
Yeah.
I think you're cursed.
- Cursed?
- Have you ever met a wizard?
No?
Are you sure?
Because I think
the wizard must have fucked you
in the ass.
I'm pretty sure
I would have remembered that.
Well, not if you were enchanted.
Hey, guys!
Hi.
- Hi, how was that?!
- Lovely.
Tom? Um
Do you think you could get her
to give us another chance?
- A chance of what?
- Of reading with the actors?
No need. It's done. It's already cast.
- What?
- What?!
- Really? What, they've cast?
- Finished?
Us?
No, I shouldn't have said anything,
pretend I didn't say anything,
pretend I didn't say anything.
- Who, who is it?!
- I can't say, Michael, I cannot say.
Oh, come on!
- No, I can't.
- Tom, please.
Please.
We just to know who it is,
we just want to know who it is.
It's still embargoed, Mary
would kill me with a trophy
that she found.
She would absolutely kill me.
- To-o-om.
- Oh, David, don't do that.
- What?
- Don't first-name me.
Do you remember the last time
you first-named me?
Do you remember this?
TOM CHUCKLES
When did you go to Disneyland
with Tom, David?
Unbelievable!
HE SIGHS HAPPILY
So, can you help us out?
OK, this is what's happening,
this is what's happening.
In the books right now,
there is a call with Simon
and the other actors
about a rewrite. Then after that,
there's going to be a whole big
announcement, then you'll find out.
So why don't you let us join the call?
- Yes.
- No, no.
Come on.
It would make David so happy
- It would.
- if you could do that.
- David, would it really make you happy?
- I'd love it.
And then when David
comes over to LA next
Yeah.
you know, if you get us
on that call, I'm sure David
would love to spend time with you
and hang out, go for dinner,
take in a show.
Michael, you said hang out?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you tell us, if
DAVID MOUTHS
- Kiss!
- That would be
- Yeah.
- That would be great.
You can get us on that call.
I know exactly where we get food.
I know exactly where to get dinner.
I've already planned the courses
and everything, and I know exactly
what we'll be drinking. I'm into
that. I think this is amazing.
And then I could maybe, you know
I'll be over soon,
and we could hang out as well.
So much traffic, though, right, Michael?
So much traffic here.
- We just want to know who it is.
- And we can eat anything we want,
- we can talk about anything we want?
- You can choose, of course.
Listen, you know the city,
you can show me round.
What do you say?
- What do I say?
- Yeah.
HE VOMITS
So, do you know either of them?
I used to know David.
And what about, um, Simon?
Do you know Simon?
Allegedly.
Ah. What does that mean?
Oh, no! No, no, no, I just have
no memory of him whatsoever.
Uh-huh.
He sent me an email
that said, "Long time, no see."
Oh, God, I hate that phrase.
- Makes me so nervous.
- Well, did you challenge?
No, I just replied, "You too, can't
wait to catch up," blah-blah-blah.
I asked around.
Apparently, he's quite forgettable.
Don't tell him I said he was
forgettable.
- I won't.
- Or that I forgot him.
- Hi.
- Oh!
- Ha-ha-haaa!
- Hi!
Hi!
- Hello!
- Hello there. Hello. Hi! Uh, Cate!
- Simon? Hi.
- Lovely to meet you.
- Phoebe!
- Yay!
- Yay!
- Long time, no see!
Long time, no see!
You've worked with Phoebe before?
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we go back a way.
When was that? Sorry,
Phoebs just hasn't had a chance
to to to tell me.
When was that?
- Oh, well, Phoebe, you
- PHOEBE CHUCKLES
- Um, did I not?!
- You tell it! You tell it this time!
I was just talking to Cate about it.
Um, I can't remember the name
of the, um
- The play.
- The play!
- Yeah. Like A Fish Bone.
- Like A Fish Bone!
- At the Royal Court.
- At the Bush.
Yeah, a couple of years ago.
Yeah. Well, 2010.
- Couple of years ago, yeah.
- Yeah.
Happy, happy times. And it's lovely
to be in both your orbits,
to sort of read a little bit of this.
It's a sort of scene from
series one of the UK version,
- we sort of tinkered with it.
- We Adrian Lestered it, love it!
There you go! God, thank you.
I'm just going to go and grab
a notebook quickly.
OK. Really nice to see you.
So lovely to see you!
WHISPERS: Fuck you.
Jesus!
GROWLING
- Michael.
- Phoebe!
Hello!
Fuck me, it's Cate Blanchett.
Hi!
What are you doing here?!
What are you doing here?
Um, sorry, Simon?
Um, we just weren't aware
that Michael was actually going
to be here.
I was unaware
Michael was going to be here.
We were actually specifically told
that he wouldn't be here.
I'm sorry, we are just supposed
to be observing.
- But
- What do you mean by "we"?
What are you doing here?
Uh, we're reading for the show.
- Which show?
- Your show.
- My show?
- Our show.
David's not coming, is he?
- Hello!
- Jesus.
Sorry I'm late.
Phoebe?
David.
- Long time, no see.
- Yeah, long time, no see.
What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?
- Stop repeating each other.
Sorry,
I won't be in the same room as him.
Well, technically we're
not in the same room.
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: Oh! Technically
we're not in the same room.
Technically, we're not in the same room!
We're not in the same room, are we?
We're not in the same room.
We're not?
Simon, sorry.
Could you remind me again,
what are they doing here?
Er, we're the new Michael and David.
- David?
- Uh, no.
Who are you? Who are you?
- Who are you?
- Who am I?! I'm Tom.
Who the fuck is Tom?
Uh, David's best friend, Tom.
OK, your silence is insane.
Can you please get him for me?
Uh, um, no.
Who are you?!
Are you his personal assistant?
Do you clean his Daleks?
Are you like his patissier?
Do you make his pastries?
Tell me what you're doing there.
Yeah, all those all those things.
And also his wife.
Georgia!
So you've made love with him.
SHE GASPS
OK, sorry, can you can you tell me
where he is?
Yeah, he's just on a call.
Sh
What?
What? What do you mean?
Is it with Phoebe and Cate?
- Georgia, is he with Phoebe and Cate?
- Who are Phoebe and Cate?
I'm going to be sick. Mary's on
her way over here right now.
Did you know that Phoebe hates David?
Phoebe?
Yeah, cos I had no idea. Nobody told me.
Phoebe, as in Waller-Bridge.
Yeah, the monologue woman.
The monologue woman.
Yeah, you're fucked.
Mi-Michael? Who-Who let you in?
- Uh, Tom did.
- Who's Tom?
Mary's assistant, Tom.
Well, he shouldn't have done that.
Oh, let it go, Phoebe.
Uh, David, why don't you tell them?
- No.
- We worked on Broadchurch together.
Second series.
Shall we just read instead?
Let's read the scene.
Um, sorry, Cate, can I'm just
going to get this out the way.
I am a huge fan.
Oh, my God!
Thank you!
I mean, you're Michael Sheen,
for God's sake.
Oh! You're Cate Blanchett.
Cate Blanchett is a big fan.
- Oh!
- I mean, seriously. I don't know,
you have this way of just losing
yourself in your roles, it's
Well, excuse me,
didn't someone play Bob Dylan?!
Can we read?
No, I'd like David
to tell the story first.
I don't think anyone
wants to hear the story.
Simon wants to, don't you?
I suppose so.
I remember that, I remember
that from the Donmar.
- Uh, the Bush.
- Like A Goldfish.
Fish Bone.
Well, so we were filming
Broadchurch on location.
There were long days,
and it happened that occasionally
I would need the bathroom.
So when I did need to go,
early on, David would find a way
of making his phone omit a sound.
- A sound?
- Like a text alert.
A text alert?
- It's like a ping.
- Ping?
He was methodical.
I'd go, and his phone would ping.
I didn't notice at first. Weeks passed.
Cause and effect, swapped places,
his phone would ping
It became Pavlovian.
- This this can't be real.
- It is real.
I heard it and I had to go,
immediately and involuntarily.
- It was a joke.
- I was written out of scenes.
It was a joke.
Whole scenes because
I had to go to the toilet.
- That's not what happened!
- That is what happened.
I thought it would be funny.
Well, it's not!
All right! How much
comedy have you done?!
She is funny.
Have you seen Notes On A Scandal?
- Yeah, have you?
- You ruined my career.
I stopped being cast, roles dried up.
I was "difficult to work with".
No-one wanted to hire me
because they called me
the Loo Recluse.
What about Fleabag?
I had to fucking create Fleabag.
- I inspired you.
- Can we read, please? Can we read?
- I had to carve my way back in.
- Please, can we read?
Hang on. If you two are playing us,
who's playing our other halves?
Who's playing Georgia?
- You mean George?
- George? Is that a joke?
You wouldn't know a joke
if it came on your face.
Uh, sorry, who are who are you
talking to about the partners,
uh, Simon?
Oh, well, unconfirmed,
but fingers crossed.
- Um, Martin Freeman.
- Oh!
No, no, no!
Fuck you! No, not Martin Freeman!
- Not again.
- He's lovely!
No, he's a fucking thief.
I
OK, look, I was going
to be Bilbo Baggins.
- You were supposed to be in The Hobbit?
- The role was mine,
I'd accepted it,
and then he stole it from me.
Oh, no, no, no, he's a sweetheart.
- No, he's a monster.
- Can we read, please?
- Is that when you were recast?
- Yep.
I thought it was me!
Sorry, when would you ever replace me?
- You do look like a Hobbit.
- Peter Jackson, he did ask me
- about you.
- And what did you say?
Well, I was honest
and said I'd never heard of you.
Oh. Well, did he ask you about Martin?
Well, yes. I just
said, I thought he was
all right in Frost/Nixon.
- That was me!
- That was you?
- That was me!
- Yeah, that was him.
Please, can we read?
- Oh, you ruined my career!
- Back off, hairy legs!
I didn't know that was you.
I lose myself in my roles.
Well
- Do it less!
- Sorry, do it less?
- Yes, lose yourself less.
- Lose myself less!
Please, can we read, please?! Please!
- Fine, fine, fine.
- Please! Can we?!
Can we read, can we just read,
can we read it, can we just read it
once? Just please read it!
- Fine. Yeah.
- Yeah, great.
Thank you.
PHONE BEEPS
Oh!
WHISPERS: Fuck you.
Yes, yes, the seventh letter
of "lead actor in Staged"
is the last letter of 4 across.
And 4 across is?
- "For all time."
- It's infinite.
Last letter is E.
D-A-V-I-D-T-E-N-N-A-N-T.
It's David Tennant.
Or what about "immortal"?
Last letter is L.
M-I-C-H-A-E-L-S-H-E-E-N.
Uh, any other across words?
Um, 2 across.
"Animated animal", it's three letters
and it shares a first letter
with either you or me.
- Dog.
- Man.
- Man?
- Dog?!
Yeah, there's loads of animated dogs!
- It's ant.
- Ant?
Yes, animated animal, three letters.
Ant, from the movie Antz.
Oh, right.
- And it is immortal.
- That doesn't fit with either of us.
Because it's Adrian Lester.
Aw